University of Cambridge Assassin's Guild
Archived Game News for Easter 1995

Most of the news from this game appears to have been lost; that presented below is extremely incomplete. Nevertheless, it is known that Paul Menage umpired, and that David Allsopp won (again).

This file was gathered from the newsgroup and processed automatically into something approaching HTML by Ben Harris and a Perl script. This edition has been culled from Lynette Dray's Killer Page, and recoded/reformatted a little. The news was written by Paul Menage, the last update being on Sun, Jun 18, 1995 at 12:00:05.

12 Jun 1995 15:55:37 GMT

Last night, at about 6pm, Chris Brown and Matthew Slattery were walking rather too nonchalantly out of the New Museums Site when an unknown bearded gunman started shooting at them. Mr Brown fearlessly ran away screaming 'Flee for the hills', but sadly Mr Slattery was hit. He was then hit several more times for good measure. Passers-by were too shocked to get a good look at the assassin.

Last night Paul Bolchover returned to his room to find an inexpertly made bomb attached to his door. He carefully removed it, then very stupidly took it with him as he went to the computer room to inform the police of this attempt on his life. Unfortunately, the person sitting at the next terminal was so shocked by the sight of the bomb that he detonated whilst attempting to throw it out of the window. Tragically, both Mr Bolchover and Mr Down were killed.

13 Jun 1995 02:58:40 GMT

As the graduating compscis gathered on Parker's Piece, some of their number had murder in mind. Adam Cohen, overcome with fear at the thought of having his photo taken ( being under the delusion that he posessed a sould that could be sucked into the camera ), viciously shot Chris Brown. He also ruined Richard Watts new suit by filling it with bullets. Tragically for Mr Watts, it was the first time he'd worn it ( or at least, that anyone had ever seen him wearing it ). Even more tragically, he didn't get a chance to remove it first ...

Jim Cameron, on seeing this carnage, became depressed that someone was being a better psychopath than himself. In an attempt to rectify this situation, he began charring people with a large flamethrower. Of the resulting pile of bodies, only that of Andrew Bolt has been identified. There is still some argument about whether certain of the remaining chunks are pieces of body, or bits of Mr Bolt's BigMac.

As the homicidal pair left the green, Elizabeth Pringle leapt from a phone box to surprise them. Unfortunately for the plucky lass, she had not made use of her time ensconced in the phone box to change into her Superman suit, doubtless a major factor in her resulting untimely, not to say messy, death.

As Dave Holland staggered drunkenly down the road, Austin Donnelly ran up behind him, and pushed a copy of 'Vogue' in his face. When this had no effect, he shot him. Later, during a meal at Pizza Express, Mr Donnelly began suffering from a peculiar paranoia. Convinced that his dining companions were planning to kill him, he shot them all. Immediately after this, overcome with grief, he stabbed himself with a slice of garlic bread.

As Steve Haslam sat playing a quiet game of Doom - always a bad sign that there's trouble up ahead ( or at least, that the monsters think you're called David Damerell ) - a gunman burst in upon him. Tragically, as he spun around to face his assasailant, he attempted to shoot him by repeatedly pressing the 'Ctrl' key. Sadly for Mr Haslam, his assassin was more in touch with the real world, and Mr Haslam died a bloody death. So bloody, in fact, that police have been unable to ascertain the cause of death ( although several pathologists are betting their money on an industrial strength cheese grater.

13 Jun 1995 16:58:16 GMT

Police are seeking Clare Izard, after her actions resulted in the death due to poisoning of a Pembroke hostel keeper this morning.

An explosion rocked Robinson college this morning when Peggy the bedder set off a bomb outside Chris Roberts' room. The mad bomber, identified as one Hugh Perkins, was still in the vicinity, and was shredded almost as finely as the bedder. Earlier, Owen Evans' girlfriend had been blown up by a bomb planted by the same person.

Spencer Davey earlier put fear into notorious villain Adam Cohen when he sprayed him with a substance he claimed was strong acid. However, later chemical analysis revealed it to be Coca Cola, which prompted a speedy recovery by Cohen.

15 Jun 1995 00:55:10 GMT

Students in Trinity college were startled when they discovered the body of Kevin Backhouse slumped behind the door of the computer room. Mr Backhouse expired just after he was noticed - his last words were 'It were Jamie Wood what done it'. A pathologist later said that Mr Backhouse's bullet wounds appeared to date from at least a day previously. The police would very much like to interview Mr Wood.

Chris Roberts last night died due to delayed shock after the tragic bombing incident that resulted in Peggy, his bedder, being plastered over most of the walls and ceiling of Q staircase in Robinson.

Brian Cowe died a horrible choking death yesterday afternoon when a poison gas attempt on him was successful. A friend of Mr Cowe, who came up to visit him, had only just time to see the body lying prostrate on the carpet before collapsing in a similarly untidy heap. A forensic scientist later examined Mr Cowe's door handle, and pronounced that it was coated in a particularly virulent contact poison of a type often used by Mr David Alsopp. Police would like to speak to Mr Alsopp, but failing that they are happy to shoot him instead.

Jim Cameron has been on the rampage, killing numerous law-abiding citizens, several of whom had been shot at already in the last few days. The current wave of violence flooding through Cambridge shows no signs of ebbing, although it is hoped that the new recruits to the police force will help the situation.

In a room in Emmanuel College yesterday afternoon, Chris Jordinson shot Owen Evans with his own pistol, after rifling through Evans' jacket pocket to find the weapon. Just after this incident, notorious psychopath Jamie Wood who happened to be in the room siezed the gun from Jordinson, and shot him at least 37 times in the head. The Chief of Police wishes to make it clear that Mr Wood's prompt action in this case do not in any way excuse his earlier crimes.

Eric Ling was set upon by a shady looking character with a large shoulder mounted submachine gun. Due to his extensive athletics skills, Mr Ling was able to dodge the bullets and escaped unharmed.

15 Jun 1995 00:59:27 GMT

Apologies for the rather garbled Police and Wanted lists in the previous news - it is hoped that this is now fixed.

15 Jun 1995 16:57:54 GMT

David 'Rampant Psycho' Allsopp has been ramping pschotically again. First he shot respected citizen Nigel Harris outside Trinity, on the grounds that he happened to be carrying an assault rifle. Next he shot his good friend Tim Clapp when the latter had been lured into Allsopp's room. Hearing the noise, the ever vigilant PC Hugh Perkins attempted to apprehend him. Unfortunately for Pc Perkins, he was just returning from a shower at the time, and his bottle of wash'n'go proved no match for Allsopp's pistol.

Now Allsopp was on a roll - as he chanced across Clare 'Bimbo of' Izard he slaughtered her in cold blood. It is believed that this might have been through jealousy on his part that he didn't win the 'bimbo' award.

18 Jun 1995 10:28:25 GMT

Several people died in screaming agony yesterday at Robinson, after coming into contact with contact poison that someone had carelessly smeared over several door handles. The substance was found on analysis to be one favoured by Adam 'Kill Kill Kill' Cohen . Cohen is know to have born a grudge against Jamie Wood, one of the victims, ever since Wood was reputed to have killed Cohen's brother.

As Chris Timms left his room on Friday, ready for action, little did he suspect that the action would come to him. A shadowy figure was watching from behind the stairs - once Timms was out of sight he slipped into Timms' room through a carelessly left open door, and awaited his victim's return. Whilst waiting, he amused himslef with preparing a bomb. Timms returned before the bomb was ready, and was blown in half by repeated blasts from his own shotgun. The Chief of Police later commented that it was quite fitting, given Timms' own predisposition for entering people's unlocked rooms and slaughtering innocents. The counter coroner has given a verdict of suicide.

Apologies for the lack of news over the last few days - a slight bug in the umpire program got in the way.

Arun Zachariah had a lucky escape yesterday, when two separate assassins tried to kill him. Fortunately he ran away.

Several people in Cambridge were mystified to receive envelopes purporting to be bombs. Police later said that they suspected the assassin had forgotten to put in both the detonator and the explosive, quite a feat.

David Allsopp returned home to find a large bomb-shaped object attached to his door. Being of a paranoid nature, he quite corectly assumed it was in fact a bomb, and carried out a controlled explosion with a piece of string and half a cornflake packet.

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