University of Cambridge Assassin's Guild
Inquest into Lent 1995 Game

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Member L95INQ
 Lent Term 1995 Killer Game Inquest
 The game began well with a shooting after the morning physics
 lecture. I often felt like shooting someone after my physics
 lectures. Jay Foad was the unlucky first death, blown away by Nigel
 Harris, starting as he meant to go on.
 Jim Cameron amazed the world by getting up at 7am, but unfortunately
 Robinson College was locked.
 Things rapidly became complicated when Geoff Tolley committed suicide
 for no apparent reason, and Dafydd Richards deliberately blew himself
 up in an attempt to take his assassins with him.
 First on the wanted list was Tim Down, closely followed by Jim
 Cameron. Tim killed an innocent bystander, and Jim shot Brian Cowe for
 making him nervous.
 Tim didn't last very long, as he logged on and was traced to the New
 Museums Site. Jim went on the rampage and began gleefully killing
 police, starting with Emily Read.
 David Damerell fell victim to Ian Jackson, one of the players who
 nobody thought was playing. Ian was then shot in the Mond room after
 killing PC Tim Down.
 Clare Izard and Austin Donnelly died in an incident which called the
 behaviour of the police into question. They were resurrected, but
 shot again by Paul Menage before they heard they were playing again.
 Paul was shot the next day by Andrew Bolt.
 Jim and Elizabeth Pringle settled into their Natural Born Killers
 partnership, slaughtering Tim Waugh and Brian Cowe on the notorious
 New Museums Site. Geoff Tolley attempted to apprehend them after
 seeing them in the Mond Room, but was shot by Jim. Owen Evans and
 Adrian Garside were their next victims.
 Andrew Somers went wanted after a bombing, but was shot a few days
 later. Robin Michaels went the same way.
 Jim finally fell victim to Dave Holland, who had managed to convince
 everyone that he wasn't playing, and simply stabbed Jim when he turned
 up at Dave's Room.
 Nigel Harris, later to win the game, was sending frequent, dramatised
 and verbose reports throughout the game.
 Elizabeth Pringle continued to grow in paranoia and bloodlust in Jim's
 absence, butchering innocents and police left, right and centre.
 Valentine's day brought many amusing and surprisingly unsuccessful
 Elizabeth Pringle distributed a large number of poisoned tulips. I
 never heard from most of the intended victims. Several people thought
 they were roses, and at least one person didn't notice the poison and
 was very disappointed when he found it wasn't a genuine valentine
 Several musical cards were sent, and mostly defused, although Dave
 Holland was blown up by one of them.
 Sally Martin painstakingly poisoned and re-sealed a Last Rolo (TM) and
 left it with a harmless rose and card for Joe Pearce, but
 unfortunately he didn't eat it as it 'looked a bit gross'.
 Aldabra Stoddart began to take a major part in the game, shooting
 Jonathan Kelt, poisoning an innocent, and shooting Francois Gaudin,
 who was asleep in bed with his door unlocked. Richard Kettlewell,
 David Damerell, Owen Dunn and Ian Jackson followed in the next few
 Another bedroom killing followed when Adam Branscomb left his door
 open whilst he took a shower, providing the umpire with an opportunity
 to gratuitously insult Elizabeth Pringle, his killer.
 Elizabeth was shot two days later as she escaped from confinement within the
 Mond room.
 WPC Pringle was then shot by Aldabra, along with a selection of innocents.
 Joe Pearce carried out a stylish shooting in Queen's bar, then
 massacred several innocents in a failed attempt to kill Chris Brown.
 The great three-day-rule killing followed in which the umpire had to
 remove twelve players, and got so carried away he removed one too many
 and had to reinstate A. Sassin (who has requested that his real name be
 removed) the next day.
 Nigel Harris went berserk and killed almost the entire police force in
 a day. The general pattern appeared to be "Hi, I'm Nigel, can I come in?"
 "Ok" . The Chief of Police was not impressed. Jim Cameron went
 onto the police to take Nigel out. Nigel's grip on reality loosened by
 the hour and he began signing himself '007'.
 Joe Pearce and Eric Ling slaughtered vast number of innocents to avoid
 the three-day rule.
 A large number of bomb and gas attacks followed, few of which were
 Paul Bolchover was poisoned by at least four players at once, for no apparent
 Jim and Nigel clashed in a blazing gun battle from which no clear
 winner emerged.
 Nigel then steadily eliminated the remaining competition in a series
 of shootings, and finally killed Aldabra shortly before the deadline
 of the game.
 Winner - Nigel Harris
 The Cordon Noir Award - Sally Martin, for the Last Rolo.
 The Homicidal Horticulture Award - Elizabeth Pringle.
 Most Amusing Kill - Aldabra Stoddart, (Francois Gaudin)
 The Ice-T Cop Killer Trophy - Nigel Harris.
 The Rampant Psycho Award - Jim Cameron and Elizabeth Pringle.
 The Templeton 'Face' Peck Trophy - Dave Holland.
 The Public Service Award - Aldabra Stoddart, for killing Jon Knight.
 The Snowball in Hell Award - Jay Foad, first victim of the game.
 The Cartland Prize for Verbosity - Nigel Harris (Runner-up Jim Cameron).
 Special Commendation for Valour Beyond the Call of Duty (posthumous) -
   PC Geoff Tolley
 The Golden Truncheon Award for Community Policing - PC Tim Down, PC Brian Cowe.
 The Seiko Award for Timekeeping - Adrian '5.30' Garside.
 The Agrajag Award For Survival - Clare Izard and Austin Donnelly
 The Ernst Stavro Blofeld Villain's Award - Aldabra Stoddart.

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