University of Cambridge Assassin's Guild
Archived News for Lent 1996 Game

This file was written and gathered from the newsgroup, and processed automatically into something approaching HTML, by Ben Harris and a Perl script. This copy has been culled from Lynette Dray's "Killer Page", and recoded/reformatted a little. The rules under which this game was played are available as a text file.

26 Jan 1996 18:03:33 GMT

All players registered; All targets allocated; All emails generated; All pigs fed and ready to fly!

Take-off is at 7:48am tomorrow for those of you who haven't heard yet.

Apologies for my general ineptitude today. I got less sleep last night than I would have liked, and things have been generally misbehaving.

27 Jan 1996 15:59:36 GMT

A brutal killing has just taken place outside Trinity computer room. The bloodied corpse of Chuan-Tze Teo was found on the grass of New Court, his knife still in its sheath. Police are appealing for witnesses.

27 Jan 1996 16:21:05 GMT

Mo Hassan writes:

Today at 3pm an expedition set off to make the long trek to Harvey Court, Caius, through the arctic conditions - the mission: Terminate Lynette Dray, with extreme prejudice. As we approached we could hear sounds of merriment emanating from the targets room - little did they suspect the tragedy that was to befall them.
A simple knock was all it took to draw them out.

The ghost of the lemming speaks:

At about 2:50 p.m. today, I was sitting in my room innocently talking to a guest, when there came a loud banging on the door. Fearing that someone was out to kill me, and showing great consideration for the life of my friend, I asked her to see who it was.
Alas, my suspicions were correct. Three masked gunmen forced their way into the room, splattering Miss L.R.Budd all over the wall before shooting me in the head as I dived for cover. After committing blasphemies against Frederick the Plant God, they turned and ran, shouting "All hail Khorne!".

Report from Brother-Assassin Martinius Lector (transmitted by Astropath using Soul-sight)

This afternoon, at approximately 2:50 pm GMT, I was entering B block, Harvey Court, when I noticed three suspicious-looking individuals departing the block. Upon entering the room of my intimate friend Lynnette Dray, I found that these individuals had first pumped several dozen bolt shells into her body and that of her temporary guest, Miss Lucy Budd, a resident of Exeter 331, before invoking the foul god Khorne in a thoroughly unpleasant ritual. I proceeded to descend the stairs once more, seeking to exterminate these vile Chaos cultists. On the first landing, I encountered them and opened fire with my plasma pistol. Despite felling the individual known as Mo Hassan, directly responsible for the vile acts perpetrated in room B50, I was slain in a crossfire of bolt shells and laser beams from Dan Costich and Tim Deegan.

In summary: Lynnette, Martin and Mo are all dead.

27 Jan 1996 16:50:24 GMT

One person has been left dead and one seriously injured after a gun battle in Caius College. Dominic Foster was shot in the back by noted psychopath Tim Deegan and is currently in intesive care. His condition is described as 'critical'.

This event was witnessed by John 'Antichrist' Jordan, and when Deegan recognised him, Jordan shot him messily in the head.

A dead body has been found in Trinity College today. The owner of the body cannot be named for legal reasons, but his dying words, found scrawled in blood on the wall, read:

T12 North court Emma Park? Nat Sci Tall glasses rubber band brown hair

Police recognised this as a description of the vicious duck-killer Ivan Parks, and warn the public that he is very dangerous and should not be approched unless you happen to be very well armed.

27 Jan 1996 17:20:33 GMT

A dead body has been found floating in the Cam. It was identified as that of Sidhartha Singh, of Fitzwilliam. More details when we have them.

27 Jan 1996 18:35:55 GMT

This evening, Chris Emerson walked into Corpus JCR and cold-bloodedly shot Julian Hill in front of several witnesses. The police are reported to be baffled by this apparently motiveless act of violence, and are appealing for help from the public in apprehending the villain.

27 Jan 1996 20:39:22 GMT

John Lee was found dead in his room at St John's College earlier today. The cause of death is currently uncertain.

An accomplice of the late Sidhartha Singh, whose body was dredged from the Cam this afternoon, has informed the police that he was killed by the Nazgul Lord known as Julian Midgley.

27 Jan 1996 21:27:14 GMT

More bloodletting in Trinity College: The bodies of Andrew Somers and Ian Parkinson were found in Burrell's Field this evening. Somers had been shot in the chest, apparently by Parkinson, while the latter had had his throat cut by an as-yet-unidentified third party. The police claim to be investigating.

28 Jan 1996 14:53:36 GMT

Early this morning, wanted criminal Chris Emerson walked calmly into Cockcroft Four and shot Tim Waugh as he sat at his terminal, before slitting the throats of Brian Cowe and another user who has not yet been identified. The Chief of Police, from his holiday home on the Côum;te d'Azur, said that all possible efforts were being made to catch this villain.

I don't claim to understand this, so I'll just quote it:

After losing in the final of an other-dimensional Killer game the spirit of Dominic Foster was stripped of his current physical form. Sensing another game was iminent in a different dimension he transferred his essense in to his latest avatar. During this transfer the new body was struck by a bullet. Left with a crippled avatar he traded a certain amount of personal power (soul?) with some nefarious demon prince (Nigel Harris) so that his body may be repaired for possession. Dominic Foster is now ready with his latest manifestation to wreak havok.

A representative of Addenbrookes said they were pleased with Mr Foster's recovery and were considering contracting out all intensive care work to the Devil, to be paid for in the souls of managers.

Yesterday afternoon, an unidentified body was found in the grounds of Trinity Hall. The victim had been shot in the head at close range and in the snow near the body was a small card bearing a mysterious silhouette and the single word 'Nazgul'. This is thought to be a pseudonym for the infamous Julian Midgley, and police advise that he should be approached with caution or a very sharp sword.

28 Jan 1996 20:39:10 GMT

The body of Dan Costich was discovered in the mail room at Emmanuel College today. He had apparently been stabbed in the heart.

From Robinson College:

Sometime on Saturday afternoon two shifty characters were seen wandering around Robinson College and standing outside doors, muttering to each other. They finally disappeared up a staircase and a few minutes later a single gunshot was heard by the whole College. By the time the Porters had arrived the two mysterious figures had gone but they found the body of Richard Allen lying just inside his open door. Later in the afternoon, the College autorities issued a statement that they would like to contact James Pepler in connection with the attack.

In another related attack, a graduate member of Selwyn college was brutally stabbed in the MCR at 2am on Sunday morning. Witnesses said that Seeta Seetharaman had been boasting about a kill earlier on Saturday and was holding a pistol while she ate a Curly Wurly. Then the murderer suddenly pulled a knife out of his coat and stabbed her repeatedly. The comfy MCR beanbag she used as protection was no use and she slumped to the floor, vowing to revenge the killing in a reincarnation as a police woman. None of the witnesses knew the name of the attacker as he was not a MCR member but he remained in the room, drinking MCR beer and later in the morning revealed that he was, in fact, James Pepler.

29 Jan 1996 09:14:41 GMT

Late last night, wanted murderer Chris Emerson was observed to enter Corpus bar and shoot PC Julian Hill in the head. The bar staff are still trying to get the juke-box clean.

Shortly after midnight, someone walked into Trinity Hall computer room and calmly sliced Julian Midgley's throat from ear to ear. Interviews with witnessess have produced a photofit that looks suspiciously like Dave Holland. The College's computer officer has asked the public to refrain from doing this kind of thing in the future as it's very difficult to get the blood out of the keyboards.

It is with great sadness that we report the death of David Damerell. Last night, while performing an eldritch rite at a meeting of CUWoCS, he mispronounced a syllable and his entrails were sucked out through his navel and distributed around Cambridge and several other dimensions.

29 Jan 1996 12:45:59 GMT

A gun battle took place this morning on the steps of the Heycock lecture room between Tim Down and the wanted criminal Chris Emerson. An innocent computer scientist was killed, but both of the protagonists got away with only minor injuries.

29 Jan 1996 18:11:58 GMT

Last night, at about 7pm, Robin Ogle was shot as he ate a piece of cake in a friend's room somewhere in Selwyn. The assassin was identified as Seeta Seetharaman, also of Selwyn, who died early this morning.

The body of Theo Honohan was found this afternoon in his room in Queens'. He had been shot in the back, havcing apparently left his door open. The police have advised citizens to keep their doors locked, as there are a number of dangerous criminals on the loose in the city.

30 Jan 1996 12:57:58 GMT

Early this afternoon, James Renwick of Christ's College was found dead in his room. His head was spread over the walls. This is the second time in as many days that someone has been murdered having left the door to their room unlocked, and the police have urged the public to be especially vigilant.

30 Jan 1996 16:19:34 GMT

Richard Windram of Queens' College received a poisoned letter through the post this morning. Sensing danger, he got one of his friends to open it. The police do not approve of such cavalier treatment of one's friends, and Mr Windram has thus been declared Public Enemy Number Three.

30 Jan 1996 21:32:12 GMT

This evening, the body of Mark Snellgrove was found in his room in Trinity College with most of his chest missing. He had been shot from the front, and there was no sign of a struggle, so it would appear that his assassin was known to him. The police are baffled as to both the motive and perpetrator of this hideous crime.

The body of Randeep Singh was discovered outside his room in Christ's Typewriter today, his door-key still in his hand. He had been shot in the head several times.

31 Jan 1996 12:52:50 GMT

Yesterday, a standoff ensued on Cockcroft Four between the vigilante Tim Down and wanted criminal Chris Emerson. Emerson had to go to an inetrview, but Down was standing by the door with a big gun, waiting to shoot him as soon as he left the sanctuary of the computer room. The situation was unsatisfactorily resolved when Emerson left anyway and Down's gun jammed, thus letting the killer escape to kill again.

And this morning he did so. PC Martin Read was foolish enough as to get in the Cockcroft building lift with Emerson. He had to be carried out.

The body of Thomas Jacques was found today in his room in Christ's. He had apparently been shot in the back of the head as he enetered the room, and had lain there dead for several days. From the angle of the shot, it would appear that his assassin had found his door unlocked and hidden behind it waiting for him to return. Again this indicates the danger of leaving your room unlocked. Don't do it!

31 Jan 1996 14:13:32 GMT

There is a minor bug in the last version of the rules. The multiplier in the bomb rules should have been 50, rather than 500. Here's the diff:

*** rules.l96~	Fri Jan 26 12:11:28 1996
--- rules.l96	Wed Jan 31 14:09:15 1996
*** 288,294 ****
The blast radius of a bomb can be generated from its volume by the
following formula:
! r = 500*V^(1/3)
Where V = bomb volume
r = blast radius
--- 288,294 ----
The blast radius of a bomb can be generated from its volume by the
following formula:
! r = 50*V^(1/3)
Where V = bomb volume
r = blast radius

31 Jan 1996 14:52:17 GMT

A source in Jesus College has informed us that Catherine Eagleton was killed in First Court on Monday. She had been shot in the back of the head by someone matching the description of Gareth Weetman. The police have warned that having pink hair is a very good way of ensuring people can recognise you a long way off.

The body of wanted criminal Richard Windram was found in his room in Queens' today. He had been shot in the head. The police wish to point out that they do not condone such vigilante activity. Well, not much anyway.

31 Jan 1996 16:31:32 GMT

This morning, policeman Theo Honohan was brutally murdered on Lensfield Road, having been stabbed in the back. The only clue as to the perpetrator was a single duck feather laid over the wound.

31 Jan 1996 19:41:12 GMT

Jonathan Green was found dead in Queens' College this evening. He had apparently opened a letter he'd received and been poisoned, gassed and blown up in quick succession. Whoever killed him clearly wanted to make sure they didn't fail.

1 Feb 1996 12:34:58 GMT

The body of Alisdair Scott was found in his room in Pembroke last night. He had been shot in the head, having apparently left his door open. If anyone is interested in buying a slighly bloodstained second-hand PC they should contact his family.

1 Feb 1996 17:37:51 GMT

More carnage: Frances Cleland was found dead in her room in Girton last night. She was shot in the head by an assassin who had apparently hidden behind her bedroom door.

The vicious killer Chris Emerson has struck again. This afternoon he killed James Lamd of Caius College. According to one of Mr Lamb's neighbours, who was in the kitchen opposite his room, Emerson was passing and noticed a sign saying 'No water weapons', went in and stapped Mr Lamb in the stomach while he was eating his lunch before leaving muttering about a shortage of lemmings. Police psychologists have said that Emerson is just in need of some love an attention, but Chief of Police Rob Wilcox has suggested that a chainsaw in the head would be more appropriate.

1 Feb 1996 20:40:19 GMT

The body of Ross Hutchinson was found it his room in John's today. He had apparently been stabbed in the back.

Rajat Malhotra was found dead in his room in Blue Boar Court this evening. He had been shot in the head.

1 Feb 1996 22:56:37 GMT

The body of Rupert Wood was tripped over by a porter on the drive of Jesus College today. He had apparently been shot.

2 Feb 1996 14:59:47 GMT

Half a dozen people were gathered in the room of Darien Graham Smith (of AK47 fame), including PC Tim Woof and vigilante Tim Down. The evil Tim Branham was also there, and unbeknown to those present he had previously secreted weapons in the room. Yes, disguised as a coathanger and a crust of white bread respectively, he had left a bow and arrow in the room. He picked these up and fired the ermmm... arrow at Tim Down. Down dodged the lethal bre.. I mean, arrow and thought desperately what he should do in such a situation. Evil Branham then repented of his actions and tried to eat the evidence. Meanwhile Down, at the suggestion of PC Woof, contacted his Guild's head and got the excelent advice that it was permisable to shoot Evil Branham for this crime. This he duly did. Evil Branham was reported to be filled with remorse and also with bullets.

The body of Ian Koxvold was found outside his room in Queens' yesterday. He had apparently been killed in a gunfight. The following note was found in his pocket:

A hint for future targets who have foiled their assassins once; don't get cocky- if you know they're outside your door and you've locked it, don't unlock it and charge out to 'counter-assassinate' them. I've tried it and it doesn't work...

The Chief of Police, Rob Wilcox, was brutally stabbed twice and shot with a crossbow last night. Witnesses reported his killer as having been John Gardner of Trinity College. From beyond the grave, Wilcox reported that this slight handicap would not prevent the police enforcing law and order.

2 Feb 1996 17:35:56 GMT

In a brutal and unprovoked attack, PC Tim Waugh was stabbed to death on Cockcroft Four this evening. At 5:30:30, Chris Emerson walked up to him and stabbed him in front of several witnesses.

Rohan Platts has been appointed to the post of Chief of Police following the tragic death of Rob Wilcox yesterday.

3 Feb 1996 22:38:31 GMT

A horrific massacre took place in Market Square today. A group of police, having met in Clare JCR, were on their way to apprehend some criminals when they were fired upon from behind by Ivan 'Duckbane' Parks. Marc-Louis Gani, Mark Mackey, James Renwick and Thomas Jacques were killed instantly. Rohan Platts, Chief of Police, was severely injured, and is now lying in the depts of a crypt somewhere in Cmabridge while members of CUWoCS perform bizarre and bloodthirsty rituals in an effort to distract Cthulhu. Notably, Parks carefully avoided shooting one of the policemen on the scene, and a large sum of money was seen to change hands. PC Costich has been suspended from the force by his testicles pending an internal enquiry. Duncan MacGregor has been seen sharpening his sacrificial knives, and has expressed interest in conducting the enquiry himself.

A bomb was later found and defused in Clare JCR. It's timing device had apparently failed.

4 Feb 1996 21:58:05 GMT

Christopher Kreuzer recieved a suspicious letter this morning. Rather than risk opening it himself, he asked Alex Stille to open it. Stille was killed by the poisonous powder within. Taking the later from Stille's still-twiching hands (having put on appropriate gloves), Krezer read:

NI! Thank you for dying. You were killed by a dust contact agent. Have a nice day.

In recognition of his callous disregard for human life, Mr Kreuzer has been placed on the Wanted List.

Murray Williams received a poisoned letter last night, but regretfully didn't take any precautions while opening it and died shortly afterwards. His ghost was shot this afternoon just to make sure.

4 Feb 1996 22:29:01 GMT

In the small hours of this morning, Dominic Foster was woken by a loud knocking on his door. The person outside claimed to be 'Andy', a friend of Mr Foster's, and he was justly suspicious. Since the visitor seemed to have no intention of leaving, Foster put on his dressing-gown, armed himself and stepped out into the corridor. He saw two people at the other end of the corridor, and in true SAS style, shot them both immediately without asking any questions.

The police wish to point out that while killing someone who's out to get you is acceptable, killing their friends is not, so Mr Foster has been placed on the Wanted List.

5 Feb 1996 15:36:20 GMT

The body of Catherine Arney was found by friends at Selwyn College late on Monday night. She had been crucified upside-down on her door, with one bullet hole through her forehead. The porters have since complained that the nails are almost impossible to remove from the door.

Yesterday, wanted criminal Cristopher Kreuzer killed PC Ross Hutchinson in John's Second Court, shooting him in the upper torso. Apparently Kreuzer considered him a thhreat to his future existence.

Wanted criminal Chris Emerson struck again this afternoon, shooting WPC Lynette Dray outside Harvey Court. A zombie apparently retrieved a hand cannon from her rucksack and chased Emerson down the road, but failed to catch him.

5 Feb 1996 20:55:37 GMT

Ben Waldron was found dead in his room in Caius College today, having apparently returned to find an assassin hiding inside. None of the police were willing to come out of hiding and comment on this.

6 Feb 1996 09:37:27 GMT

Two bodies were found in a corridor in Harvey Court last night. They were identified as those of Dominic Foster and Simon Hogley. Hogley had apparently shot Foster while the latter was returning to his room, but had been stabbed in the back shortly afterwards. The lack of a suitable weapon on the scene indicates that a third party was involved.

None of the police were willing to open their doors to comment.

Paul Barclay was found dead in his room this morning after a struggle was heard. Fragments of a knife blade were found in several wounds to the chest and arms. The number 666 had been carved into his forehead.

6 Feb 1996 15:34:41 GMT

The body of Steven Strafford was found in his room in Christ's Typewriter this afternoon. He had been stabbed in the back while filling his kettle. His death was discovered when residents of the floor below complained about the reddish water seeping through their ceiling. A police representative has sheepishly asked if murderers can please turn off their victims' taps after killing them.

7 Feb 1996 10:03:42 GMT

As a group of CUCS members were making their way along Pembroke Street last night, someone slipped out of a door behind them and followed. As they entered Pembroke College, Dave Holland was shot in the back of the head. Witnesses report seeing Chris Emerson fleeing into the night.

Several members of Emmanuel College were killed yesterday when Ivan Parks got one of them to open his mail. Several others were foolish enough as to touch the white powder that fell out, along with a note on Zoology Department notepaper signed 'Alcina'. A similar letter was received by Chris Tucker, who opened it himself wearing considerable amounts of pretective clothing.

7 Feb 1996 12:13:53 GMT

As Tim Down was heading towards a computer room after this morning's Computation Theory lecture, Chris Emerson stepped out from behind a cooling unit and shot him in the chest.

7 Feb 1996 23:01:17 GMT

This afternoon, Chris Tucker and Ivan Parks walked into Elizabeth Pringle's office in the Zoology Department and shot her several times.

8 Feb 1996 12:58:23 GMT

Elizabeth Pringle (empp1) has asked me to declare her office to be a laboratory owing to the delicate specimins, equipment and stuff in there. This I hereby do. This roughly means that you can't go in there and shoot her.

Chis Tucker has been placed on the Wanted List for his irresponsible use of a water weapon in Elizabeth Pringle's office, which contained both computers and valuable specimens.

9 Feb 1996 15:26:53 GMT

At about 12:45 yesterday, Jonathan Gardner was on his way from Hall to the computer room in Trinity when he foolishly stopped to talk to a friend. Clive Ponsonby walked up behind him and slit his throat -- his friend was rather surprised. The police would like to congratulate Ponsonby on his presence of mind.

The ghost of Chris Emerson was surprised to trip over his own body as he went back to his room after lunch today. He had apparently been killed by poison gas as he slept, but had been too tired to notice it in the morning. PC Tim Down revealed this morning that he had filled the rooms of both Emerson and Ivan 'Duckbane' Parks with gas shortly after sunrise. He has been suspended from duty for endangering the lives of civilians.

10 Feb 1996 14:17:51 GMT

PC Mark Snellgrove was brutally murdered yesterday having opened his door to Christopher 'Hobbit' Kreuzer. This was a very silly thing to do.

10 Feb 1996 17:33:01 GMT

The body of Alex Holmes was found in Kings College after a firefight was heard. Literally hundreds of bullet holes were found in the walls. Alex had been killed by several shots to the chest, apparently fired from a different weapon than the rest of the bullets. The number 666 had also been carved into his forehead.

10 Feb 1996 20:10:15 GMT

This evening, just after 7 o'clock, The Prince and Tucker went hunting game in Christ's. First on the list was Kieran West. Given away by his great height and some random woman calling his name in adoration, Tucker gave him a double head shot. Next, PC Strafford succumbed to The Prince along with his innocent friend, betrayed by Strafford's nasty beard. Finally Gaz Weetman was foolish enough to leave his door open. The assassins made themselves comfortable. Gaz was not long, and his death was swift, to three head shots from Tucker's gun. Several others on his corridor also died, partly to ensure they weren't playing, and partly because co-lateral casualties are so much fun. The Prince and Tucker ran off into the night.

11 Feb 1996 15:20:27 GMT

This morning, Simon Nathan was found dead in the doorway of his room, having been shot several times. There was a trace of poison gas in the air, indicating that he may have surprised somone attempting to gas his room.

13 Feb 1996 00:40:53 GMT

Adrian Thurrell was found dead in a corridor in Girton today. He was apparently going to have a shower when he was viciously attcked with a knife.

14 Feb 1996 09:47:13 GMT

The body of Eilis Harron was found this morning in Market Square. Her head was found a little later in Petty Cury.

14 Feb 1996 11:27:46 GMT

The body of police officer Ben Turner was found in his room yesterday, along with two of his friends. They had appartently been disturbed whilst engaged in a game of cards. Police (who sneaked to the scene of the crime in the dead of night), found only a single duck-feather. This is recognised to be the hall-mark of the Prince, also known as Ivan "Duckbane" Parks.

17 Feb 1996 22:27:39 GMT

This afternoon, A. Sassin was brutally murdered while using a friend's phone in Angel Court, Trinity. The friend heard someone outside his room who said he was looking for her, so he showed the visitor in, only to see his friend's brain splattered all over his phone. The visitor matched the description of known hit-man John 'Antichrist' Jordan.

19 Feb 1996 17:07:18 GMT

At his birthday party on Saturday, Darien Graham-Smith attempted to stab Elizabeth Usher in the stomach. Unfortunatly, he was using a spoon, and was sufficiently inebriated as not to notice the fact. Some while later, Usher attempted to strangle him with her scarf, at which point one of his friends held out a knife for him, which Usher grabbed and used to stab him in the stomach.

Katherine Pollock was found dead in her doorway yesterday, having apparently opened her door to an assassin with a gun.

24 Feb 1996 21:50:06 GMT

Given the rather tedious nature of the game lately, I've decided to impose a 'five day rule'. Starting at midnight tonight, you must make a convincing attempt at a kill within five days of either your previous attempt or of the start of the rule, or you will be declared dead of natural causes. This doesn't apply to the Police, but I'd like them to do something convincing soon.

25 Feb 1996 15:38:31 GMT

Due to a desire for promotion from the 3rd boat, where she has languised too long, Nicolas Bourbaki decided to eliminate as many of the members of Trinity College Brotherhood of Chunderers (TCBC=boat club) as possible. Possibly unaware that she would not be accepted in a men's boat, or possibly because he happened to be at hand, Nicolas made her first strike on Kevin Backhouse, party animal of TCBC and indeed of the rest of the world too. May he rest in peace. Or, as is more the case, two pieces :)

Wanted Criminal Christopher Kreuzer was killed this morning by Paul Barclay, one of the batch of new police officers drafter in in an attempt at reducing the spate of violent crime sweeping Cambridge. Kreuzer claimed to be someone else, but the fact that he was in the process on unlocking a door marked 'C. R. L. Kreuzer' was a bit of a giveaway.

Nicolas Bourbaki was observed entering Botolph Court this morning, in the presence of the ghost of Tim Down. They proceeded to attempt to poison PC Chris Emerson, but he had woken up and put on his gas mask before they arrived. The Umpire wishes to make it clear that dead people are _not_ allowed to go round killing the police, and that he doesn't like being woken up on Sunday morning.

29 Feb 1996 12:34:54 GMT

Joe Pearce was found dead in his room today. He had apparently been shot several days ago, but no-one had noticed.

John 'Antichrist' Jordan was witnessed killing David Eyre in a toilet in Caius after Formal Hall on Tuesday. He apparently followed Eyre in and shot him as he relieved himself at the urinal.

Following a term's absence for work as Head of Station T, Tripoli, "C" has returned for the express purpose of debriefing wanted criminal Prince Ivan and escorting him to the dusting off of Madame Guillotine, where the law shall be seen to be upheld.
Ben Waldron was shot dead on Tuesday as he returned to his room after watching 'The X-Files'. A signle duck feather was found at the scene.

The body of PC Simon Hogley was found in his room on Tuesday night, having been shot in the back while playing with his Series 3. A single duck festher had been placed on the keyboard.

Policewoman A. Sassin was found dead at her desk on Tuesday evening. A single duck feather lay on her desk beside her.

The body of WPC Elizabeth Pringle was found on the New Museums site yesterday. She had been shot in the chest. A single duck festher was found nearby.

The Emma ducks are reported to be looking rather bald.

The body of Robin Ogle was found this morning by his bedder. He had been shot in the head as he slept. A single duck feather was found on his pillow.

29 Feb 1996 14:25:09 GMT

The police have announced today that in the chaos following the death of several of their members, they misidentified the body at A. Sassin's desk, and that it was actually her roommate. The officer responsible will be dealt with appropriately.

1 Mar 1996 17:18:36 GMT

On Thurdsay afternoon, Michael Kolbl was shot in his room at point-blank range. His room-mate, who witnessed the killing, gave a description matching that of James Pelper, of Selwyn College.

As he returned to his room from the bar yesterday night, PC Christopher Kreuzer was brutally gunned down in Third Court, Johns. A single duck feather was found nearby.

Ed Rutherford was found desd in his room in Christs' this morning, having been brutally stabbed several times.

Last night, James Hetherington was killed while lying on King's bridge. According to an eyewitness:

James Hetherington was lying on King's bridge, watching the stars, when an assassin (Sue Griffiths) ran at him throwing grenades. The first blew his legs off. The second blew a hole in his side. The third failed to go off, was retrieved from his mutilated body, reprimed, rethrown, and hit him in the heart - finally killing him. It was not nice.

For this brutal murder of an innocent young man, Sue Griffiths has been placed on the Wanted list.

Wanted criminal Nicolas Bourbaki was killed today by Clive Ponsonby outside Hall in Trinity. He slit her throat after she had finished her lunch. The police would like to thank Mr Ponsonby for once again saving them the effort of getting out of bed.

The Umpire would like to apologise to anyone whose email bounced this afternoon. He didn't get up early enough to move old files off Hermes before his account became inhibited.

2 Mar 1996 19:49:26 GMT

PC Sidhartha Singh was shot in cold blood as he walked along Lensfield Road today. A single duck feather was found at the scene.

A large number of Cambridge students are reported to have died in a freak malaria outbreak this week. The victims include:

One of the dead was found to have a contact poison on his door handle, apparently of a sort habitually used by James Lawrence. The police have expressed a desire to interview him.

3 Mar 1996 19:21:21 GMT

In a rather bizarre sequence of events, it has turned out that Adam Barker did not die of malaria, as was reported yesterday, but was actually killed by Chris Tucker over breakfast some days previously. Tucker also made a mirculous recovery from the disease today, having confessed the killing to a visiting priest while at death's door. Doctors at Addenbrooke's are reportedly very confused.

3 Mar 1996 20:01:20 GMT

Ben Noakes seems to be alive too. He was re-awoken by a complex ceremony involving the sacrifice of a member of the Computing Service.

James Lawrence of Caius was killed this afternoon. It seems that he trusted whoever killed him, as his gun had been put down several feet away and there was no sign of a struggle.

3 Mar 1996 23:12:08 GMT

Tonight, Clive Ponsonby was killed in his room in Burrell's Field by a mob of rampaging Kingspeople armed with hockey sticks and a big gun.

4 Mar 1996 15:26:44 GMT

John 'Antichrist' Jordan was killed today by his intended victim, Ben Noakes. Jordan tracked Noakes to a computer room, but Noakes spotted him and fled home to arm himself. When Jordan arrived shortly afterwards, he was shot twice.

6 Mar 1996 02:02:40 GMT

The notorious wanted criminal "Chris" Parks was shot dead early this morning outside the Chemistry Department. Police are parising the killer, James Pepler, as a "Have a go hero", after their attempts to apprehend Parks failed. Parks had managed to assume a false identity, even to the extent of getting a photo of someone else on the wanted list. The corpse was positively identified when Parks' bag was opened to reveal thousands of duck feathers which are now being sellotaped to Emmanuel ducks by animal welfare volunteers. Police have announced a wide-ranging inquiry into why Parks' wanted list entry had the wrong photo.

7 Mar 1996 12:24:30 GMT

This morning, Ben Noakes killed James Pepler outside the Chemical Lab lecture theatre on Lensfield road. The Scott Polar Research Institute are seeking compensation from the Assassins' Guild for window-cleaning expenses.

9 Mar 1996 16:53:03 GMT

This morning, Ben Noakes killed James Pepler outside the Chemical Lab lecture theatre on Lensfield road. The Scott Polar Research Institute are seeking compensation from the Assassins' Guild for window-cleaning expenses.

Ben Noakes was found dead in his room today having apparently been killed by a poisonous gas injected under his door. He had died while leaning out of his window, clearly desperately trying to get some clean air into his collapsing lungs.

11 Mar 1996 00:53:23 GMT

Chris Timms died in hospital today, having been run down by a milk float in Pembroke Street.

11 Mar 1996 19:48:29 GMT

Sue Griffiths was killed this afternoon on the steps of Market Lodge by Chris Tucker, who was accompanied by the ghost of Ivan Parks.

Mr Tucker has announced his intention to engage in a duel with Lorna Booth at a time and place to be arranged.

16 Mar 1996 22:30:46 GMT

I just received this (having spotted I was over quota on Hermes and corrected the problem):

We met as agreed at 7.30pm in Christ's porters' lodge. The battlefield was agreed upon, and we departed to our respective ends of the College grounds. At 7.35pm the deathmatch commenced. The Jester soon tracked Lorna Booth down to a small clump of undergrowth in 2nd Court, where a standoff began. This was finally settled by the Jester's superior firepower. A handgun is no match for a SS-XP55. The Jester reigns supreme. He and Lorna's ghost then retired to The Castle for a pint or two and to exchange some cooking ideas.

So, I hereby declare Chris Tucker the winner of the Lent 1996 game of Killer. Thank you all for playing, and making my life difficult for the past six weeks. I hope to have the opportunity to murder at least some of you next term.

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