This file has been culled from Lynette Dray's "Killer Page", and recoded/reformatted a little.
Following a recent intelligence leak, the anonymity of many covert operatives has been compromised. Today, several have paid with their lives, and the violence is expected to continue.
Shortly after 6 am, Colette Clement was ambushed near Trinity Porter's Lodge on the way to a rowing outing and brutally hacked to death. The rest of the crew were too groggy to intervene.
Known MI5 agent Gavin Hodgson never got the chance to recover from the previous night's excesses as he was shot asleep in his bed at 10:46 am.
In a regrettable case of over-enthusiastic vigilantism, rehabilitated former criminal and gratituous duck-slayer Ivan Parks had his innards splattered over the front doors of the Chemistry Department. The killer, Lynnette Dray, is still at large. Police have classified her as armed and dangerous.
At around 5 pm, Peter Adams was accosted by a suspicious character near his room who requested his aid in an assassination. Unfortunately, he didn't realise that he himself was the killer's target until too late.
Jesus College is reeling in shock after the death of Michelle Grayson, who was shot by an assassin codenamed "The Man from Mars" while eating dinner in the college buttery. The bystander who unwittingly caused her death by pointing out her bright red hair is being treated for shock.
The notoriously paranoid Ben Harris shot David Hall dead in Corpus computer room at 6:03, ostensibly for discussing Guild business. Witnesses have described Harris as a dangerous psychopath, and police are seeking to interview either him or his corpse.
Members of the notorious "Spanish Inquisition" turned on each other treacherously after a clandestine rendezvous at a pub. Following a protracted gun battle, the combatants dispersed into the night, leaving behind a bullet-riddled body briefly believed to be that of Ben Parker, but subsequently identified as an innocent.
As stories of minor explosions and fires in the Chemistry Department continue to spread, rumour has it that the classified research projects will be relocated soon.
Chris "Arkansas" Timms' body was found floating in the Cam in the dying hours of the afternoon with multiple shotgun wounds.
Jean-Cristophe Besson was ambushed shortly after a meeting with the supervisor of his spy ring at 6:25 pm with fatal consequences. Agents are reminded to keep their guard up at all times.
Disco-goers in Churchill fled shrieking in terror as David Kilroy was machine-gunned in a gangland style execution.
The Lemming has struck again. Martin Read's twisted and somewhat charred corpse was discovered in a room in Caius, apparently having been flamethrowered while performing some bizarre ritual. In a separate incident, an innocent mathematician who just happened to own a collection of heavy weaponry found himself at the business end of Lynnette's pistol. But not for very long.
A crime wave of unprecedented proportions continues to sweep over Cambridge, the police force seemingly helpless in its wake. Stories of a "Corpus Mafia", officially dismissed as mere hearsay several days ago, are beginning to acquire an alarming ring of truth.
Peter Ellis, the MI6 agent who unwisely blew his own cover last week, paid the price this morning as he was ambushed by a presumed terrorist on his doorstep, another life sacrificed in the battle against international crime. But that was only the beginning.
At 1420, PC David Hall was gassed in his room, having been conned into opening his door to Simon Pender.
At 1440, Pender killed newly recruited agent Ben Hesketh with a similar ploy.
At 1510, PC Gavin Hodgson, returning from a lecture, was laying plans for the death of Ben Harris. Just outside the entrance to Corpus, he ran into the gas-masked Pender, who ruthlessly saturated the area with chlorine, killing PC Hodgson and many innocent victims. A survivor recounted Pender's deranged rantings:
"I love it when the vomit sprays from their noses. Death wouldn't be the same without the green froth and vomit. Hahahaha...."
Police have been given instructions to shoot him on sight.
On the brighter side, another enemy agent has been eliminated. The "Ace of Spades", on a mission to root out hostile plants in Girton, lured Chung Ho Tai out of his room and then stalked him down the corridors of Girton, before finally blowing his stomach away with a double barrelled shotgun.
Although the first blow has been struck for justice, the black tide of crime continues to rise in Cambridge. In a desperate attempt to restore order in the wake of several copycat poisonings, the police force has resorted to reviving two of the town's most vicious criminals on the grounds that "it takes a psycho to catch a psycho."
Last night, undercover policeman Ben Hesketh infiltrated an underworld fancy-dress party dressed as Death bearing a very sharp scythe. After a few minutes of surveillance, the Corpus Poisoner, Simon Pender, arrived at the party, whereupon he was neatly sliced in two by PC Hesketh, who remarked afterwards, "I've got a bottle of Vodka in my room. Anyone want to come and get slaughtered?"
PC Hesketh, who incidentally won second prize in the fancy dress competition, was commended for his bravery.
Clare Boothby was killed yesterday by a gratituously large quantity of contact poison that had been smeared all over her door, the floor and a communal lightswitch. Mark Snellgrove, formerly codenamed "The Crow", has been deprived of Guild protection and placed on the police wanted list for irresponsibly endangering the lives of innocents.
In a copycat incident, a friend of Lewpen Kinross-Skeels was fatally poisoned after attempting to turn his door-handle. The miscreant responsible has been identified as Russell Bennett.
Kinross-Skeels, obviously becoming paranoid, himself fell foul of the law before 6pm today when he shot an innocent bystander in Churchill computer room after he had asked to see his gun.
A Man In Black carrying an ominous paper file knocked on the door of suspected double agent Jonathan Gardner, intimidating his room-mate enough to let him in. As Mr Gardner came out of the bedroom to meet him, the stranger produced an Uzi from behind his back and cut him down. Regarding the roommate and his lady friend with a knowing smile, the assassin made a quick exit. The Illuminati are believed to have planned the killing.
The naked body of David Mills of Jesus College was found dead this morning in his ground floor bathroom, a towel lying on the floor nearby. The only mark on his body was a minor knife would on his shoulder; police have taken samples for toxicological analysis. Police hope this had nothing to do with the other recent poisonings.
The Guild's sources in Corpus have reliably informed us that Ben Harris had mysteriously departed for France earlier this weekend. Though the constabulary claims that they are beginning to intimidate criminals, a more likely explanation is that Harris has had to explain the blowing of his cover to his spymasters...
One man clearly not intimidated by the growing police presence in town is Chris Emerson, known in mafia circles as the Albatross. Describing the police presence in Corpus as "oppressive", he shot Ben Hesketh with a silencer-fitted pistol while the latter was watching a game of pinball yesterday evening. The Albatross wishes to apologise to pinball players for fouling the machine.
Later that evening, "Agent X" was accosted in the bar by a mysterious woman who requested his company in her room, and was only too pleased to comply. Shortly after arrival, he was too engaged in her lips to notice a gun silently being removed from the bedside drawer. One pull of the trigger shattered the dream.
On Sunday morning, a neighbour of Russell Bennett found an elaborately constructed bomb outside his door and successfully defused it, following which they discussed the perfidy of the terrorist responsible. Later, Bennett's body was discovered with a single stab wound in his back, the primary suspect being the neighbour who had defused the bomb in the first place. Police are grateful that he "did the right thing in the end."
In the early hours of the afternoon, Mark Snellgrove paid a visit to the Lemming, carefully wiping away the contact poison that had been left on her doorhandle only to find that the door was locked and she had no intention of opening it. Frustrated, he began attaching a bomb to the door, whereupon she quickly whipped it open and unleashed a volley of machine-gun fire which brought the Crow's criminal career to an abrupt and messy finish.
This was not the only case of criminal elements turning against each other today. Lewpen Kinross-Skeels and two of his friends, who had first discovered Russell Bennett's identity when he asked them who Lewpen was in a computer room, paid a visit to Bennett's lair in Harvey Court, Caius at 1830. A couple of innocent passers-by informed them that Bennett was already dead, and were shot by the disgruntled Kinross-Skeels. The trench-coated assassins let loose about two hundred rounds of ammunition on Bennett's ghost in a fit of frustration, leaving many holes in the walls.
Several armoured and heavily guarded vans were seen leaving the Chemistry department recently. This was concurrent with the disappearance of various mysterious crates that had been sitting around the building. A representative from the department made the following statement:
"There's nothing for you people to spy on here any more, so would you lot do us a favour and kill each other outside maths lectures instead."
At 1100, Lynnette Dray followed this advice by shooting innocent victim Michael Kolbl in the hand outside Cockcroft lecture theatre under the mistaken belief that his name was Brian. Mr Kolbl has offered information to anyone interested in hunting down this dangerous murderer.
At 1215, Lewpen Kinross-Skeels was shot in Market Square by the equally paranoid Ian Parkinson. He was apparently showing the local gun dealer his new purchase. As the gun dealer was also shot, police are still deciding whether or not to press charges against Mr Parkinson.
Suspected French agent and wanted criminal Ben Harris received an enigmatic message from Manchester earlier today upon his return, correlating with various bizarre threats that the Guild has received recently.
The Albatross, in his continuing crusade against Corpus cops, shotgunned PC Simon Pender as he was checking his mail. Ever apologetic, he expresses his hopes that nothing important had been left in the M-R pigeonholes.
Stephen Thompson, perpetrator of a hoaxed kill report, let several assassins into his room at 0110 while extremely drunk. He woke up the next morning and was very confused to find himself covered with a slow-acting contact poison. He died in agony before reaching Addenbrookes.
At 1550, automatic weapon fire was heard in South Court, Emmanuel. When residents gathered together enough courage to investigate, all that remained was the body of Amy Phillips whose head had been reduced to a pulp by the huge volume of lead. Intelligence agencies have denied any connections with her.
Order was partially restored in Cambridge today with the deaths of the city's three most wanted criminals in an unprecedented display of police competence and efficiency. But first, the latest murders.
Last night, someone invited Chris Emerson to see the fireworks. Amongst the others in the group was PC "Arkansas" Timms, who caused everyone else much amusement by dying immediately upon the Albatross' arrival with a loaded pistol.
Returning to Corpus bar, he proceeded to shoot at least eight innocent bystanders in the head and torso for no apparent reason while downing large quantities of alcohol. Witnesses heard him slur, "I'll take over the world, just wait and see. I'll just kill everyone, and then it'll all be mine..."
At 1435, the Man in Black rendezvoused with one of his agents in the Illuminati network in St John's. They then proceeded to the Cripps building where the agent and his friend lured David Mansell out of his room. The Man in Black, hiding on a window ledge, calmly allowed Mr Mansell to go past him before unloading an entire magazine from his Uzi into his back and head. As usual, the motives behind the Illuminati's actions are totally unknown.
At 2020, policemen Joe Kilner and Lewpen Kinross-Skeels, calling themselves the "Untouchables", followed Ben Harris into Corpus JCR. The following conversation ensued, as reported by the many witnesses present:
Untouchables: "Ben Harris?" Ben Harris (turning round, and finding himself staring down the barrels of two machineguns): "Yes?" Untouchables (firing machineguns): "We're the police." (general applause)
At 2040, they visited the lair of the Lemming, pausing en route to recruit a brave member of the public. The trio went up the staircase and knocked, then PC Kilner waited in ambush as his companions headed back downstairs. Shortly afterwards, the Lemming, unaware of the ruse, crept stealthily out carrying her gun, and was shot at point blank range in the back of the head.
The Chief of Police, obviously somewhat miffed by the fact that the previous killings hadn't been carried out on his direct orders, proceeded to a pub-meet of the Spanish Inquisition in the Anchor. A few suspicious-looking members of the Inquisition were enjoying an informal drink when Chris Emerson turned up. Shocked by the audacity of such a notorious criminal showing his face in public, the Chief of Police proceeded to enlarge the Albatross' left ear somewhat with a bullet from his 9mm Browning.
Hydreace Ali opened a letter this morning and was discomfited by the release of a potent nerve agent. He suffered rapid paralysis of the thoracic muscles, leading to suffocation in his own vomit. At around 1730 his assassin shot his dead body many times in the head just to make sure.
Meanwhile, Ian Parkinson attempted to organize a police operation against himself, but disappointingly no one turned up to be ambushed.
At 1820, Phil King was stabbed in Jesus cafeteria by his "friend", Dave Horner. The murderer had politely waited for him to finish his meal before striking.
Two men identified as Tristan Barback and Tim Logvinenko were seen in a gunfight outside Cockcroft at 1100 which ended in a standoff. At 1205, Tristan emerged from behind a van in Bene't Street and shot his target several times. An ambulance was quickly despatched but he was pronounced dead upon arrival. Mr Logvinenko is believed to have been the "Man in Black".
Newly recruited policeman Ben Shearon-Johnson fell victim to the evil Ian Parkinson just before 11 this morning. Later, Parkinson poisoned the door handles of several members of the constabulary but none of them fell for it.
Meanwhile, Dave Horner has been placed on the wanted list for the premeditated murder of Phil King.
At 1630, the agent known only as "Chaos" paid a visit to Adam "Demonchild" Ajina, believed to have been working for some mysterious satanic cult. "Chaos" tracked his target to the toilet, where the Demonchild made the fatal mistake of responding when his name was called. An experiment at close range to see whether he could breathe lead instead of oxygen was then carried out. The result proved negative.
The notorious terrorist Tom Oinn, who had been laying plans to blow up large portions of Girton, was found with a single bullet through his chest at the edge of Cripps Court, Queens'. The sole witness described a black-clad assassin leaving the scene hurriedly, and the SAS is believed to be responsible.
Meanwhile, the crime wars appear to have reached a stalemate; neither criminals nor police appear to have made any progress in eliminating their opposite numbers.
Niall Saville, exhausted from an early morning rowing session followed by a series of lectures, was taken unawares at noon today by Tristan Barback, scourge of the Cockcroft. His throat was slit so silently that by the time his friends realised it, it was too late to catch the perpetrator.
The police, suddenly beginning to look embarrassingly overstaffed with keen recruits, came close to achieving their goal of purging the city of criminal elements today. This report was received at 1637 on Sunday 10 November from Scotland Yard's rapid response unit (aka Clare Boothby), regarding the wanted criminal Dave Horner:
"Inspired by the spirit (if not the actual words) of the three-day ruling and the doubling of the length of the wanted list, I set out to visit our friend in Jesus. I worried about this one. "A dangerous criminal," I thought, "he'll be even more paranoid than I am." I visited him yesterday evening to see what his security arrangements were. He had a spyhole. He had a biiiig window overlooking my approach route. I had no chance. I spent all night thinking of a plausible story to get him to open his door.
At approx. 4.15 pm today, I crept cautiously into North Court, aware of the daunting task that lay before me. I climbed the stairs and knocked on his door, fearing for my life. The wanted criminal was sitting with his back to an unlocked door.
"Come in," he said. I did........... I left again, Dave's head and a bullet having made quite close friends, and the floor already redecorating itself red in a spreading circle...... Clare (Rapid Response Unit)"
Following a major CITADEL security leak, the anonymity of many covert agents has been compromised. Assassins who do not make sufficiently frequent attempts to accomplish their missions will be transferred to new assignments outside Cambridge for their own safety.
Markus Eichhorn and his accomplice, involved in the killing of Colette Clement two weeks ago that precipitated the current violence, were indiscriminately dispatched in the corridor of Z Blue Boar Court, Trinity last night in front of a large number of witnesses.
The culprit, Simon "Binky" Olleson, was placed on the wanted list.
Earlier this evening the two-man police team nicknamed "The Untouchables" tracked the criminal Ian Parkinson to his room. Joe Kilner takes up the story:
"Spotting him going into his room we went for our weapons but the rat was too fast. As we retreated to a safer position Ian burst out wielding a cannister of poison gas which he squirted over the door. Drawing his gun Lewpen blasted Ian's hand off leaving a bloody mess over the staircase door. A temporary biological immunity to gas having saved my life, I dived round the door and shot Ian in the side just as he threw himself into his room. He died instantly."
*** BIOHAZARD ALERT ***
A number of strains of multiresistant bacteria have been accidentally released into the environment following the failure of medical orderlies to follow proper waste disposal guidelines. Local government has ordered a cover-up, but all intelligence operatives have been informed by their respective agencies to take extra care...
At 1315, "The Other Man" entered the Typewriter in Christ's. Concealing himself around a convenient corner, he waited for Dan King to emerge on his accustomed schedule. As Dan emerged and passed by, he was shot in the arm with a small calibre pistol, and again in the chest as he turned in surprise.
At 1805, Ed Garrod heard someone attempting to plant a bomb outside his door. Fortunately, when he charged out to confront his assassin, the detonator apparently failed. Unfortunately, his bullet riddled corpse was found still clutching a bloodstained commando knife. As a trail of blood led out of the building, it seems that the attacker did not escape unscathed.
At 2030, a burst of Uzi fire was heard near J Doe's room, followed by a massive explosion. Investigators discovered a charred mess which was eventually identified as J Doe's remains. It appears that his assassin had hit a canister of nitroglycerine which he was carrying. Despite apparently having lost a leg to the blast, the killer managed to get away.
At lunchtime, Mark Ashdown made the fatal mistake of going to McDonald's. Unfortunately for him, the Black Nail had learnt about this rendezvous and was lying in wait. The following conversation ensued:
Mark's Associate: Black Nail, this is Mark. Mark, this is the Black Nail. He's an assassin. Mark (nervously): Oh really? Black Nail: Yes. You're not Mark Ashdown, are you? Mark: Well, maybe... << BANG >>
The McDonald's staff promptly put out the "Caution: Floor Wet" boards and scooped up the insides of Mark's brain for use in various burgers. The Black Nail apologises to anyone who was put off their meal by bits of cerebral cortex flying across the restaurant.
Later that afternoon, Nick Moberly was ambushed whilst returning to his hideaway by "Azrael", who reports:
"Taking care not to dirty my shoes in the mixture of crimson blood and brain-matter on the floor, I left the scene with dampness in my eyes, feeling a sense of deep empathy with The Crying Freeman."
At 1712, Ryan Banerjee was discovered with two neat bullet holes in his back, sprawled messily over possibly the first essay in history a supervisor won't mind receiving late.
At 1726, Jon Askew was found killed in a similar fashion.
A bloodied piece of paper was attached to his chest by a knife,
reading: "Saturday 8th November. Happy Birthday... enjoy your
party..." Both kills are believed to be the work of the same
Adam Butt, in a fit of existential despondency, sent himself a letter bomb yesterday and then opened it. It worked.
In an unrelated incident, one of our agents found a postcard coated in poison in her pigeonhole, but was alerted to the danger by the fact that it had been placed writing side up with the signature "A. Sasin" clearly displayed.
At 1400, Rupert Wood was killed by two bullets apparently fired at his heart simultaneously from different angles. The motives for this are unknown.
The "Dragon" claimed his first victim today, viciously stabbing Neil Yorke-Smith in the act of trying to slam a door in his face. Agents are adviced to be more courteous.
At 1715, Saikat Santra'a bloodied body was found in his room. An eyewitness reported:
"The door was ajar and this guy just walked in carrying a gun. I guess it was some kind of submachinegun. He aimed and fired a burst at Saikat; it was awful. Blood was everywhere. I thought I was going to die, but the guy just walked out..."
The witness has failed to provide a coherent description of the assassin due to an extremely nervous disposition at the moment.
At 2100, Timothy Blake, known Yuri, was dealt with by agent SNAFU and his accomplice. He opened his door only to be greeted by the stern faces of the two agents; after a brief conversation, his blood was soon dripping down the walls.
At 2150, the "Antichrist" arrived at the Girton dwelling of Richard Chipperfield, only to find four people in the room. Deciding to shoot rather than ask questions, he coolly dispatched them all. Mr Chipperfield reached for his assault rifle as he fell, but expired before being able to pull the trigger. The police are not relishing the prospect of having to apprehend yet another overly-paranoid psychopath.
Word on the street is that PC Peter Ellis is now dead; more information will be available as we receive it.
The death of PC Ellis has been confirmed. He and government agent Paul Yates were holding a conversation in Emma bar when the dreaded "Binky" showed up and blew their brains out. It is believed that they were identified to the criminal by an unsuspecting friend, who is currently being treated for shock.
Public-spirited Brian Cowe decided to make a vigilante attempt on the life of Simon Olleson. He arranged to meet a partner in Z staircase, where they held a tactical discussion. Sadly for them, they were overheard by Olleson who promptly shot them in the back.
Alasdair Beresford was found dead in his room slumped over what appeared to be a work crisis. The coroner's verdict is suicide.
Many corpses were discovered today, victims of the bacterial infection. Further, many agents have been transferred out of Cambridge for their own safety.
Adrian King cunningly decided to hide under a false identity in his neighbour's room when a mysterious stranger called. He then, somewhat less cunningly, admitted his real name and that he was worried about being assassinated. The stranger wasted no further time and shot him with a silenced automatic pistol at point blank range in the head. He then apologised to the neighbour, who was not entirely pleased about the smell, and left.
David Cox was found sprawled over his no-longer-clean washing in Harvey Court, with a playing card, the Ace of Spades, sticking out of his back pocket.
Members of Emmanuel College were alarmed at finding various body parts in their pigeonholes that night; it transpired that they used to belong to Kate Ahl, who had been cut to pieces by a crazed assassin earlier that afternoon. The fact that her doorbell was confusingly labelled "Septic Tank" failed to save her...
PC Kinross-Skeels arrived late for a lecture hoping that the criminals who had been looking out for him would have already arrived and passed through the stringent weapons searches at the Cockcroft doors. The Black Nail crept up the stairs behind him and whispered his name. As Lewpen turned around, he was stabbed in the face several times with a lethal stiletto.
The Black Nail has been identified as Ben Parker. Members of the public are advised to stay clear of this deranged killer.
At noon today, the "Antichrist" sat through an entire lecture of Markov chains while tracking his target. He let his pent- up frustrations out on Lorna Booth as she left the theatre, spraying blood, brain and skull fragments all over many witnesses. Most of them, being mathmos, failed to notice this entirely.
In the early afternoon Daniel Carter's body was found with a bullet through his head in St John's. The assassin is unknown.
Later that evening, members of John's were further shocked to find Mark Dowson's body parts scattered throughout various pigeonholes in an apparent repeat of last night's unpleasantness at Emmanuel. The same weapon was apparently involved. Porters throughout Cambridge are nervously wondering where this killer will strike next, not relishing the prospect of having to clean up a similar gory mess.
The Black Nail returned to the dreaded Cockcroft lecture theatre this morning braving the picket line in search of an assassin he had met earlier during a cocktail party at the Embassy. While sitting through two hideously boring maths lectures, he fingered the stiletto he had managed to take into the theatre due to the weapons control officers being on strike. He was delighted when the lecturer ended early "to show solidarity with those striking" (or more likely, because she had run out of notes...) As Tristan Barback walked out of the lecture theatre, he was tapped on the shoulder by the Black Nail who politely said "Excuse me" before knifing him in the heart as he turned round. Two police and at least one covert operative were directly in front of him, but he fled before they could exact revenge.
Gavin Hurley was quietly eating his lunch yesterday when "Azrael" calmly walked up behind him and slit his throat. Other diners were shocked to observe Gavin's steak receive a ketchup-like topping as his head flopped into his custard.
Another vigilante attempt on the life of Simon "Binky" Olleson has led to disaster. Mark Watkins was ambushed by Olleson just outside Z1 Blue Boar, Trinity. Housekeeping has complained about the indelible stains left on the carpets in the staircase.
The Black Nail decided to make a late-night attempt on the life of WPC Clare Boothby. Unfortunately for him, while he was in the act of smearing poison on the door-handle, she opened it and calmly shot him.
First year mathmos are relieved at the prospect of an end to the recent unpleasantness outside the Cockcroft.
Those eating lunch in Trinity today experienced deja vu as newly recruited policeman Tim Logvinenko was liquidated at around 12:30. For the second time in 24 hours, diners were treated to the sight of a severed head and a neck gushing blood over the table. "Binky" carried out this latest murder in response to rumours that the police were going to use their newest operative to make another attempt to exterminate him.
Late at night, James Hetherington shivered in the chill wind as he walked back from Kings bar to the welcome warmth of his girlfriend's room. Unfortunately, he was spotted en route by the Dragon. As he emerged from the room, the Dragon silenced him with two swift strikes of his sharp blade.
Bodies continued to fall like dominoes in Trinity today as what is believed to be a large-scale purge continues.
This afternoon, porters in the New Court mail room were very annoyed to discover bloody body parts left in the pigeonholes when they returned from their lunch break. The victim was eventually identified as James Elliott, and the machete used was the same as in the two previous dissections. Security camera images finally identified the killer as Ross Younger.
A collective sigh of relief was to be heard in porter's lodges all over Cambridge later that afternoon as word spread that Mr Younger had been seen engaged in a vicious knife battle with the infamous "Azrael" and that later, police dredging the river near Garret Hostel Bridge recovered Ross' body, a pair of automatic pistols, and the infamous machete.
Another Trinity agent, Guy Lefroy, was just about to win an important game of squash when a bullet lodged in his right eye, cruelly mocking his efforts. The recovered bullet was marked with the sign of Azrael.
Later this evening, the "Antichrist" made his way to the dwelling place of suspected black marketeer Lee Benfield. One of his accomplices was leaving the room just as the Antichrist arrived, and was shot repeatedly in the stomach. As he died, he screamed a warning to those still in the room; this only incited the killer to dash in and gun down both the occupants before they had time to react. Noting the disappointing lack of contraband in the room, the Antichrist settled for extracting his victim's kidneys and flogging them off to McDonald's.
In a separate incident, Ben Waldron, who had foolishly accepted an invitation to the Antichrist's lair, was also shot in the abdomen and left to die in agony.
The police hit squad, taking advantage of a window that had been carelessly left unlocked, finally managed to kill Simon "Binky" Olleson tonight. They report:
"On Friday night at 8:15pm 3 shady police members followed by an spectral presence of some sort entered the room of the criminal, formerly known as 'Binky', through the window of the room, after disabling 5 electronic security systems installed around the window (the window itself was unlocked though). Three police members and the ghost (with a slit throat) staked out the living room (messy as it was) and waited for the well-known criminal to return to his room. Time passed... ...and passed... ...and passed... ...and then they played 'I spy with my little eye'... ...and then time passed some more. Finally, at 9:10pm the sound of the key turning in the lock was heard from the front entrance of the room. 'Binky', in blissful ignorance of the presence of the fully equipped police squad, walked into his room. He took full notice of the note left on his door by a concerned girlfriend, saying 'Be careful. Be very, very careful....'. He thought that the safety of his room would cloak him from any threat. He was wrong. As his hand flipped the lightswitch on, the sound of three guns burst the silence of the night, as the police were (not without the feeling of extreme satisfaction) riddling his body with large calibre bullets. The ghost, holding a bloodied knife in his hand, slit 'Binky''s throat, as his corpse fell to the floor. After that, the lifeless body of that renowned criminal was strung up to the ceiling on a rope by members of police, with 'Criminal pig' carved on his forehead by knife. Imagining the horrific sight that the room would present to the other occupants in the morning, police members and the ghost left the room and vanished in the night..."
The "Antichrist", lurking in concealment outside the dwelling place of mystery man Pete Hibbs, waited for one of Mr Hibbs' associates to emerge. Just as the door was slowly closing, the Antichrist burst through and placed two bullets in his surprised victim's chest. McDonald's claimed they had enough kidneys, so the Antichrist gave them to the Caius caterers instead.
Ben Noakes travelled to the Homerton residence of Adrian Watts, where he found two men watching a rugby match on television. Clearly horrified at this senseless waste of time, he shot them both. The police hit squad has been put on his case.
In a bizarre case of kidneylust later that night, James Lewis viciously strangled an unidentified, innocent victim in Emmanuel computer room. The rest of the vital organs were left in a messy pile on the floor. It is currently being speculated as to whether the kidneys were sold to Burger King or the "death van".
Clive Ponsonby was found unconscious in the fountain in Trinity in a state of severe alcohol poisoning. He has been transferred out of Cambridge for his own safety.
Anze Slosar died in Addenbrooke's in the evening, the latest victim of the recent necrotising fasciitis outbreak.
In a disturbing incident, two more extremely messy corpses were found in Emmanuel earlier. It is believed that James Lewis had killed them for their livers, which he is selling to fast food restaurants and college caterers at the bargain price of œ6.75 per kg.
PC Mark Watkins was found sprawled in a heap in front of his door this morning, victim of a particularly vicious contact poison. Notorious terrorist Ben Noakes has claimed responsibility.
James Lewis' short reign of terror was brought to an end when he foolishly opened his door to the police hit squad.
INDIGO SWAT TEAM Report 0001: (27 Nov 1996)
"The strange Emmanuel tradition of opening one's door to any passing assassin was once again demonstrated today. For the second time, someone I was after, despite having a spyhole, opened his door to assassins hungry for blood, and the legendary (but admittedly not very subtle) tactic of a boot jammed in the door once again proved its worth. Large calibre weaponry was also in evidence. James Lewis won't make that mistake again (he can't - he's dead. Har har)
The other occupant of the room was rather bemused by the whole affair. That is, until she noted that her clothes had been polka-dotted with blood, spotted the police running off into the night laughing maniacally, and put two and two together.
So once again Porters are unceremoniously dumping the body of a wanted criminal into the Emma Pond. The formation of the heavily armoured and extremely well drilled Police SWAT team has proved a complete success. Let this serve as a lesson to all police past, present, and future, of how to run an effective force.
This kill report is really crap, but we're running out of ideas. We seem to have been using rather a few of them up lately. This is too easy!"
Ben Noakes continued his efforts to cut the police force down to size this afternoon with the murder of Phil King. Surprisingly, none of PC King's organs had been extracted in the course of the murder.
Cambridge police have finally declared victory over the forces of crime, thanks to the relentless efforts of the crack police hit squad. The wanted list, for the first time, is empty. Law enforcement officers would seem to be celebrating with fruit...
INDIGO, apparently renamed "BANANA", SWAT TEAM REPORT 0002:
"Ben Noakes is dead. We shot him. Due to security measures, we are not going to reveal our methods, but they involved three bananas, a pineapple, and two forks. (No, really)
The Police SWAT team, frustrated and insulted by the continued vitality of Ben Noakes, paid another visit to his high security house this afternoon. On arriving at his door we discovered that he was not alone. We quickly concieved [conceived, surely: ed] a plan. One member of team went upstairs and the others went to press the doorbell. Ben, gun at the ready, emerged from his room with a friend, and went downstairs. Ben's friend, coming upon the police members downstairs, warned him [Ben]. He [Ben] immediately fled towards the stairs. All three police operatives converged upon him [Ben, not his friend]. He [Ben] had no chance (and no vegetables [I doubt his friend had any vegetables either]). He was shot from below before he could aim his own weapon. A few seconds later, another heavily armed policeman emerged from above saying "Did I miss the fun?", while pointing his large gun at Ben's back.
This clearly proves the superiority of fruit over guns.
[The editor, and Chief Of Police, is unsure both about the relevance of the last comment and about whether it [the last comment] follows logically (or illogically) from any of the rest of the article at all. In fact, he is rather confused about the whole vegetable issue, preferring a healthy steak himself. That said, he knows how to defend himself against a man armed with a banana, bunch of redcurrants, cherries (red AND black), and even a man armed with a pointed stick (closely guarded secret, that one!).]
Eat fruit and _not_ guns.
[Well, obviously. You crack your teeth if you eat guns: ed. :) ]
Police SWAT team Banana"
In response, a defiant public announcement was made:
>I suppose this means I'm the only wanted criminal left. Guess I might have >to reduce the odds... >John "Antichrist" Jordan Several hours later... The following report from the recently promoted Sergeant Boothby, Officer in Charge of OPERATION EXORCIST: "It is with sincere regret and heartfelt pity that we report the death of the deranged criminal formerly known as John "Antichrist" Jordan. After an extensive reconnaisance campaign waged against the Antichrist, police knew his daily movements down to the nearest nanosecond. A well meaning citizen, appalled at the recent spate of killings, and the reputation one of the inmates was giving the residence, allowed the police to gain entry to the house. After a skillful display of handle turning, the three brave officers of the law forced their way boldly in to the Antichrist's lair. Being careful not to disturb the intricately arranged and delicately balanced piles of notes, and also to avoid the urge to eat the Antichrist's crisps. They sat down to wait. They played I-spy briefly just for tradition's sake (Just to rub it in, really), and shortly thereafter, were rewarded with the sight of the Antichrist's very shocked face. Words failed the police, so they shot him instead. Suddenly everything went into slow motion. Guns boomed, blood flew, and somewhere in the distance a lone violin was playing a sweet melody. As his lifeless body slumped to the ground, his head lolled to one side, and, in a pathetic gesture (which should remind all those thinking that crime does pay, that it doesn't), he banged his head on the door and broke his specs. As large segments of his gastro-unirary tract danced with his spleen along the bannisters and down into the hallway below, the police congratulated themselves on a job well done, and toddled off to burger king.
Ben, Clare, and Joe. (Ahahahahahahahahahaha Ahahahahaha Ahahahahah!!!!)"
Ari Krakauer, the man formerly known as "Chaos", carefully reconnoitered the area about his lair with weapon at the ready. Deciding it was clear, he moved to unlock his door, whereupon he heard someone whisper "Ari Krakauer, thou must confess thy sins." Dropping down from his perching point on the ceiling, Azrael stabbed his victim through his open mouth with a long knife, pinning him neatly to the door. The single word "REPENT" was found scrawled over the adjacent wall in blood.
Agent SNAFU tracked the notorious Azrael down to his Trinity abode. Shortly after gaining entrance, two hardened killers were engaged in a tense standoff with guns pointed at each others' heads. SNAFU stared into the bottomless eyes of the Angel of Death, but held his ground. After five minutes of back-breaking tension, a compromise was offered, and declaring a ten-minute ceasefire SNAFU disappeared into the night.
Three hours later, SNAFU returned to the scene to find the door unlocked. Avoiding the poison gas trap, he applied his own contact poison to the light switch and laced a bottle of coke with cyanide.
SNAFU then proceeded to King's, where he discovered the body of Sue Griffiths slumped against her neighbour's door in a bathrobe. Apparently, someone had shot her in the morning on her way to the bath, demonstrating once again the futility of cleanliness.
Late that evening, an unfortunate member of the Cult of Azrael was killed by the poisoned coke. The police have classified this incident as murder, and SNAFU has been deprived of his anonymity and protection. Azrael has vowed vengeance on the killer, Jonathan Shaw.
The following report was sent to headquarters written on a piece of human skin identified by DNA analysis as that of the late SNAFU:
"Jon walked out of his room, gun drawn, expecting an attack, given that his
vendetta with Azrael was now highly personal. He was not disappointed.
Azrael fired a tranquilizer dart from a sniper rifle across the quad,
through the open window, and got him in the neck. Jon sank into the
welcoming arms of oblivion, hoping never to wake up.
Unfortunately, Azrael was not in a merciful mood.
Jon woke up, strapped to an altar in a candle-lit room which he recognized as the Abode of Azrael. "You killed one of the worshippers. Her spirit demands appeasement: you will be sacrificed in the name of Azrael." said the priest, clad in black and red.
Jon screamed silently as the long carving knife moved down into his chest, slicing through the skin, muscle and bone with divine ease. But the Sword of Azrael was inflamed, it cauterized the wound instantly, allowing Agent SNAFU to live long enough to vividly see his heart raised in offering to the Angel of Death."
Jonathan Dormand, otherwise known as the "Ace of Spades", was busy preparing dinner for some guests when Azrael walked in and shot him several times in the chest. Jonathan looked down at the gaping holes before collapsing to the floor dribbling a bloody froth.
The guests were impressed at the complexity of the flavour of the tomato soup they were served with that night.
Only Azrael and the Doppelganger remained, and two weeks of tension ensued as they stalked each other around Cambridge. Three close encounters passed without either adversary being able to inflict a fatal wound.
The shadowy form of the man known only as "The Doppleganger" crept stealthily into the building housing the cult of Azrael, proceeding swiftly to the area this shady group is known to operate from. Deciding that the best method for this particular job would be an ambush, due to the combination of experience and paranoia his target possessed, he set about finding a suitable place to hide.
After a few moments of silent investigation, the Doppleganger crept into the shower nearest to Azrael's abode and settled in to wait, with the patience of a true professional.
After some time, the Doppleganger noticed a figure approaching the doorway of the Angel of Death, in a reflection on the wall. As Azrael reached for his door, the shower burst open and the Doppleganger hurtled out, firing his machine pistol as he did so.
Typically, he was let down by his weaponry (again), as the gun jammed, and Azrael turned and fled in terror at the sight of this legendary, assassin. Dropping his worthless weapon, and drawing his backup pistol, the Doppleganger pursued, shoving shocked bystanders aside. As Azrael flew out the main door of his temple, he attempted to leap the steps leading up to it. Unfortunately, even the Angel of Death was too slow, as in midflight he was hit by two bullets, one passing between his shoulder blades to explode out of his chest, and the other going through his head, close to one ear.
The Doppleganger stood in the doorway, admiring his latest job, before vanishing into the darkening twilight...
Congratulations to Jon Horne (a.k.a. "Doppleganger") on winning the longest-extended Killer game in history. A post-mortem will follow as soon as I have time to write it. Thanks for playing, and we hope you enjoyed it.
- Chuan (Umpire, Michaelmas '96)