News - Page 5 of 8

created 9/2/98

The rampaging Susan dealt a blow for the law with the death of the criminal Hologram, as well as the mysterious KT....
It is with great pleasure that I report the demise of KT Bebbington, late of Churchill College, who was found in her final agonising death throes by her football team (who had been wondering why she hadn't turned up) this afternoon, a poisoned dart sticking from her body.
...and as I write this, the more important business of vengeance has been taken care of. Hologram lies slumped over his computer in the Robinson computer room, regretting finally his brutal murder of an innocent.
The same poison that took care of Ms Bebbington has been the instrument of justice of the sweetest kind. His desultory attempts to been incapacitated before he could carry through his plot of spraying me with acid. Susan laughs triumphantly!!!!!
Ahem. As a warning to those inclined to bend the law here and there, here is a posthumous testimony from the Hologram, given by this weird figure projecting itself from the mouth of his fallen corpse....
It appears that I wasn't even killed by one of my assassins, but rather my target - "apparently" I killed the wrong person on the occasion when I believed I had eliminated X. (If one of them answers to the name "X", what am I supposed to think?)
I arrived in the Robinson Computer room (where, of course, any number of my associates would have been able to tell 'Susan' (?!) that I would be bound to appear at least three times a day. I took no notice of the several unrecognised faces in the room: this pro ed to be my undoing, when a poisoned dart flew from point-blank range into my protective coat. Although I tried to spray my acid into my assailant's face, I wasn't fast enough

An attempt by Satan's Child to redeem himself (one wonders why, given the relatives) by killing Omrani failed, although he did continue to maintain his reputation by poisoning most of the corridor -
At about 16:27 Satan's Child showed his face again. He asked for Laura somebody-or-other, and then left leaving poison gas and a note. I did not open the door. By chance the ghost of Alex Lu came to ask me for help with his Physics, and he warned me not to open the door due to poison gas. We were discussing the physics problems when we heard the sound of a coughing fit and a dull thud as my neighbour collapsed.

Bijan Omrani

... and from Satan's Child himself
Another attempt on the life of Bijan Omrani today. This time, abandoning all sense of right and wrong, I mercilessly filled his entire corridor with poison gas. On our way out, we picked up a tail, a member of the Central Cambridge Mafia, no less. Having noticed this guy, we turned upon him in the centre of Kings parade, armed to the teeth. Seeing our extensive arsenal, he fled.

Hopefully, Bijan Omrani has fallen.....

What is this 'Central Cambridge Mafia' referred to? What are it's aims, it's methods? Who knows, only time (and perhaps liberal applications of cash to highly placed city officials) will tell....
Later that day, Satan's Child was finally banished from this earth by an unnamed agent (Mafia?). Reports say the body seemed to melt into the floor, leaving only a slight sulpherous odour..
Satan's Child, wanted in connection with the killing of innocent civilians in Caius, as well as a high profile target of the `Cambridge Mafia', has been killed in a vigilante style murder. The incident occurred in the magnificent eaterie known as `slops', in Downing College. Earlier, I had had to flee when I had entered Satan's Child's home ghetto of Howard Court. A chance meeting in the serverie in slops, resulted in Satan's Child being shot at point blank range in the back with a Zip Gun (party popper) while ordering his Turkey Escalope Holstein. He turned his head in shock, then slumped to the ground, his culinary delight wasted as it crashed down of his tray. I stepped back and claimed the man had had a heart attack (too much port, caffeine and fags in my opinion!), whether this was believed or not remains to be seen.

Unfortunately, my innocence may have also been tainted thanks to the earlier incident in Howard Court. Having made my way to Satan's Child' abode (preparing to set some cunning trap up for him), I found a corridor full of people. Approaching me was Nervous Tim, a known accomplice of Satan's Child. He produced a small pistol and proceeded to shoot at me while calling for Beelzebab's baby. My natural killer instincts led me to pull out my pistol and return fire... but it was jammed and a quickly yanked out a zip gun and shoot my assailant in the face, brutally murdering him in front of a corridor full of people. I then realised that, despite the fact that he had hit me, I was not injured, just slightly damp. Apparently the poor boy was involved in some childish and immature `RAG college assasins game'. This was no game however....

The umpire would like to point out to all assassins that RAG players, although valid targets if armed, should not be considered worthy opponents. Please have some measure of professional pride.
Shortly after this killing, a message appeared on my computer. This wouldn't have suprised me so much if said computer had been on at the time. After ranting about 'not being saved by the god plutonium', the message settled down into the following text...
I am writing this from my Father's computer, my time on earth having been ended by one of my allies, Sam Abdallah. He double crossed me as I reached for my food in the canteen, by shooting me in the back of the head. Sadly, this meant that all of my fellow Demons had to go hungry - it will take the cleaning staff weeks to clean up the blood, and pass the safety regulations again. Sadly for him, I believe there were many witnesses to this crime.
As I write this, my new army is being assembled. The puny threats I have received from the Caius Mafia, and the Central Cambridge Mafia, will be avenged next term. Downing College is rapidly shaping up to the ways of Evil. Our all new Downing College Mafia is being assembled, and this day shall mark the beginning of the end for those who would dare challenge me.
You're all going to die:- in fact, you're already dead, you just don't know it yet. I have a special hell prepared for you, and I'm sure it will be to your distaste.

Satan's Child

Any further demonic manifestations should be reported to the proper authorities - it is believed that they may be highly dangerous and will explode on contact causing a great rain of slightly undercooked fishcakes upon the city.
The dangers of attempting to cross the more seasoned killers were exemplified earlier today by the deaths of Creme Brulee and the Tyger at the hands of the Lemming and accomplices, this report from the lemming...
Mark Snellgrove today met a grisly end after daring to write death threats on the door of the Lemming...
As it happened, a number of highly-trained assassins were in the room when Mark attempted to break and enter with cheesecake. Unaware of his potential plight, he walked in unarmed when the door was finally opened. The Lemming swiftly cut his throat; Oddsock, also in the room, then shot him about eight times to see the interesting ways in which his corpse twitched.
In a seperate incident, Hamster and Lemming were casually walking along in Trinity when a suspicious character in black drew a gun on them and tried to shoot Lemming. He was unfortunately out of range, and Hamster then blew his brains out with a large gun. Documants found on the body revealed him to be Steven Kitson of the Clare Mafia.
The Hamster (kind of a fluffy kill this one) had the following to say about the incident - the message was formed from the bullet holes in the Tyger's corpse and took a strong stomach to read; the version here is complete as far as we can tell, there being some parts of a tiger's corpse that you just don't want to examine too closely
486 rounds of ammunition were recovered from the corpse.