The news for the game will appear here

IMPORTANT! Following an unfortunate incident in Trinity Hall, I must remind players that they are responsible for their own actions. This means (amongst other things) that players should not disturb people late at night. Further breaches of the peace will be punished by removing people from the game

7th October 1999

The Minister for Justice, George Savva, has been appointed. His duties will include assisting the umpire in ensuring the game runs smoothly and making tea.

19th October 1999

The game has begun!

The first death was reported by Zackery Black, who killed Nick 'Sidious' Lang for no reason whatsoever. The charismatic ZB finds himself as the first member of the wanted list.

And this came in from Guy Fawkes:

Remember, remember one month before november,
Gunpowder treason and plot,
I know the reason, why Gunpowder treason
will never be forgot.
Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes,
Twas his thought
to blow up the victim and his court.
Three score barrels of powder below,
Poor victim to overthrow.
A bomb is now attached to his door,
what is it waitin for ?
Tis waitin for poor victim to come out,
then exploding lethally loud !
Mr Fawkes was more successful than his historical counterpart as he succeeded in bringing about the demise of his target at 8am this morning. Remarkably, the only death was that of Bob the Hat, although his next door neighbour is now unlikely to make the Blues football team. This report is dedicated to the memory of Bob The Hat, who despite his reputation had done nothing but good for the local society here, may he rest in peace.

Bloke killed Madame X at 2:30am. No witnesses.

Murleen was killed by Paul Whiting in Queens' JCR.

Biggy19 phoned the police at 8:06am to make the following confession:
When receiving my list of targets I was faced with a bit of a dilemal. Seth has been a mate of mine for nearly two years now, could I really assassinate my supervision partner. Who would do all my work for me? No contest Seth bit the dust today after taking a single rubber band shot through the heart over breakfast. He slumped into his bowl of Cornflakes and I managed to steal even more of his milk.

Unfortunately, he hung up before the line could be traced, and is still at large. If you see this man, police recommend that you do not approach him.

Yunus Sajad-Hussein died at about 12.30pm today from a knife wound in his chest. Police are treating the circumstances as slightly suspicious. Witnesses report that they saw a man who called himself 'Agent Blue' near the scene.

Spartacus didn't manage to kill The Nyth with a poison letter.

Ben Parker and Emma Casale simultaneously exploded with no apparent connection between the incidents.

20th October 1999

The short but eventful life of Zackery Black came to an end today after several assassins tried to eliminate Cambridge's most wanted man. Guy Fawkes, master bomber, unsuccessfully tried to poison Mr Black, a ruthless act for which he now finds himself in the wanted list. The now infamous 'mac' went to kill ZB, but ran away after the first few shots had been fired. It was left to veteran murderer Granny to finally kill Zackery, by knifing him in the back in Jesus computer room. Not content with this, the Granny then turned to the next nearest person and killed him as well. Unfortunately for the Platypus of Quintessential English, he was the next nearest person, and is now dead. For this entirely random act of violence Matthew 'Granny' Garrett is now on the wanted list.

Dan Lambert took a single bullet wound to the torso. Whilst working at his desk, the knock of death came at his door. Without thinking he uttered his memorable last words 'Yeah mate, come on in...'

The Green Mole has finally killed Vampyre, this time by using his Fairy Flame Thrower (tm). This followed a failed poisoning attempt which resulted in the death of an innocent victim. Death by the deadly poison 'Liquer of Fairy' is slow and painful, so for this, The Green Mole is on the wanted list.

At 10:49pm on Tuesday 19th October, Yosemite Sam assassinated Teatime (aka Stewart Becker) by way of cosh and garotte. On convincing a friend of Teatime's to knock on his door (Room R2b in Dockett Building, Queens' College) to enable it to be opened, Yosemite then burst in guns (or in this case coshes) blazing... Clubbing him twice as he attempted to reach for a sword hidden beneath his bed, Yosemite then proceeded to break his neck with a thick, tight rope. RIP Teatime. Yosomite then tracked and killed Andrew Stock (aka 'The Count'), before his bodyguard could arrive.

Chris Phelps was killed by Paul Whiting in Queens'.

Picture Dusk at Trinity Hall, inner court, the target - 'The Queen', called from supper, aproaches Richilieu. After engaging 'The Queen' in conversation, Richilieu reaches for his short sword, and attempts to stab the Queen. A struggle ensues, spilling on the grass, and Richilieu, I regret to say, alas, is stabbed by his own sword.

The Taffster removed all doubt as to his existance by knifing ex-finalist John Stafford late last night. Rachel Gibson, Sidney Sussex's communications officer, was permanently silenced at 12:45 today outside the college library. Special mention must be made in this case to the fact that having a photo of yourself pinned up alongside your name in the p'hole room is usually detrimental to your health, if not fatal. The bar staff at Queens' college bar are having to wear noseplugs to guard against the smell of decomposing bodies, Philip Scott the latest to meet his maker there.

22th October 1999

Wanted Criminal Bjoern 'Guy Fawkes' Holzhauer went on a mass cop-killing spree. His victims included PC Murleen, PC Andrew Baldwin, and a random bloke with a big gun, along with miscellaneous poisoning incidents.

Colin 'The F***ing best' Magee killed Illford Rudeboy, Bloke, Flora Rose, Sophy Fuchs, and a few other people. He is now on the wanted list.

With another member of the Newnham-Mafia as guard, The Percolator affixed a small BP-Mk3T explosive device to the victim's door. The device was detonated almost immediately, as the victim was lured into opening his door. The resulting explosion was as expected, killing the victim through the door, but causing relatively little structural damage, and injuring no innocent bystanders.

Symington managed to cling to life long enough to utter the following last words: "No Comment." His assassin collected certain important pieces of debris before leaving - there remains no trace of the device (apart from its rather obvious effects).

Daniel 'Syciphus' Jarvis goes on the wanted list for killing Macavity's housemate:
Macavity returned from a suprvision to see a suspicious character standing outside the front door of the house. Being a cautious master criminal, he went in the back way. On leaving his bike at the back of the house, he opened the back door and peered through the house. Two suspicious characters were talking to my housemate. They then violently stabbed him in the neck and subsequently beat a hasty retreat as the shade of his friend informed them of their imminent addition to the Wanted List.

Andrew Brown killed The Black Bishop outside Trinity Hall library with a gunshot from point blank range. The corpse of the Bishop managed to speak a few words about his killer, but none of them were very complimentary.

And this from Yosemite Sam: So I finally got hold of "The King" (Amy Facer of Trinity College) at 8:55pm as she was just finishing a rather nice bottle of wine (something to do with her name perhaps...). Anyway, approaching the table I realised that there was a slight problem - more than one possible vicitim. However, I explained who I was looking for and they all pointed to the same person - this was rather too easy... I apologised for what I was about to do (killing defenseless people is not my speciality - well actually it is...) and pulled out my gun firing a single shot straight into the brain... Death was instantaeous - her friends cried out but I just took a swig of wine and left chuckling gleefully.

Melvin killed Cat the Destroyer tonight. He burst into the room there were 2 girls there. After he had politely enquired which one was Catherine, one of them owned up and was shot. Then they mockingly told me that I had killed the wrong person so was in deep trouble. Naturally the second one was super soakered immediately. The umpire accepts this as fair play, so Melvin is not placed on the wanted list for this.

This morning saw the end of the reign of terror imposed on Cambridge by the impersonated evil, Guy Fawkes. He was lured into a perfectly planned ambush by Tepic, one of the few people Fawkes still trusted. Tepic cowardly betraying him started a party on one of the balconies of Harvey Court at 1am, waking up Fawkes, who was already asleep. Rage grew in Fawkes, so he took his weapons and walked over to the party. Going up the staircase he blasted two pissed guys leaving the party with his gun, then went out onto the balcony in order to shoot everybody out there. Then he noticed some good-looking girls among the group, which diverted his attention just for a moment. In this very second Tepic jumped forward blowing his victim's brain all over the place with a single shoot right in the head. As deadly hurt Fawkes sank to the ground he muttered:"Even You, Tepic my son..." and died in front of Tepic, who just turned away sipping at his drink again.
Never ever trust anybody, and never look after the girls. (innit - umpire)

The percolator sent in the following:
This afternoon, at about one hour past noon, I happened to be walking around Harvey Court, whence I chanced upon that heinous assassin Jamie "Tepic" Russel. He was in conversation with another person, wearing but a dressing gown, and was violently wielding a small-calibre water pistol. What could I do but shoot him?

So shoot him I did, with water-pistols blazing and knife at the ready. The resultant shootout was wild but short, though for the fog of battle, I remain unsure as to whether I managed a suitably deadly hit before he pulled back into his room. Imagine my surprise on realising that the innocent passerby was in fact the great Guy Fawkes, and my further surprise on recalling his unfortunate demise in the small hours of the morning. The ghost of Guy Fawkes charged me to avenge his death, and so I pledged to do so, both for the honour of the Newnham-Mafia, and my respect for his person. Strangely, the ghost carried a very real looking axe, which he passed to me as a token of our comradeship.

With that task complete, he drifted down the stairwell, urging me to follow. Upon reaching the lower floors, the ghost motioned me to wait in anticipation of ambush. Sure enough, not three minutes later, that evil and vile Tepic scum emerged from that very stairwell, weapon in hand and ready for bloody murder. Upon realisation of our presence, he moved dreadfully fast, but unfortunately not quickly enough - he was no match for myself. In that second melange of bloodshed, he took injury to his chest. He managed to exit the scene, leaving a trail of blood, but I am sure that he died soon after of fatal wounds. Only when his corpse is found will we be sure of his death, and only then will our lust for retaliation against the terrible termination of Bjoern be assuaged.

Agent Gollum turned up at Fitz, and then ran away.

At 3:00 pm today, passers by were shocked by a blast emanating from the room of Harriet Osborn, of Queen's college. Ms Osborn was heard to utter the infamous last words of "come in" before Lurch tossed a bomb into the far corner of her room and then remotely detonated by means of a string/party popper arrangement.

The Gatekeeper's room was unlocked when the Fury located it. To avoid giving away his identity, he retreated to a vantage point on the opposite side of the quad. After observing the room for approximately forty minutes, the occupant locked the door and left the block. The Fury, now knowing the identity of his target, pursued the Gatekeeper along corridors and up staircases. When the target finally entered a room the Fury seized his chance - he knocked on the door, the Gatekeeper opened, and immediately received a bullet to the head.

Spartacus manages to kill Anusha Surendra with a poison letter, while The Wooden Spoon survives a similar attack.

The Masked Man has the satisfaction of reporting a successful assassination. His Light Side visited Queens' College, in search for Mr Ginger. As planned, on discovering the target wasn't in his room, the Masked Man then visited Queens' cafeteria. After making inquiries of several groups of freshers, one man foolishly owned up to being Neil Brown. A tense but very short confrontation ensued, the dialogue going along the lines of:

MM: Are you Neil Brown?
NB: ...Yes... suspiciously Why? 
    NB reaches for his pocket
MM: Ah, you signed you were interested in a society.
    MM takes hold of ninja throwing stars in his own pocket
NB: A society? ...Which one was that?
    MM observes NB's hand taking hold of something in pocket
MM: casting the throwing stars The Assassins' Guild.
    NB attempts to draw his gun and fire at MM, but unfortunately
discovers his motor control is not what it used to be when he was alive

Austin Powers, the international man of mystery, successfully assassinated his designated target, Sian James. She was killed in her room, while so typical to women, she was gossiping in the phone, totally unalarmed by the lurking danger of Mr Powers. So, Sian James is dead, shot to the chest twice at a point blank range. More targets please, especially females are welcomed. The Umpire notes that this death is probably marginally less painful than having 9o'clock lectures, 6 days a week.

This report arrived from Babe:
My friday had been going so well - a few lectures, a shopping trip to sainsburys, a rather steamy session with the man in my life... anyway I was just settling down to read a few pages of atmospheric circulation, with the help of several shots of vodka, when i heard a gentle tap at the door. Thinking my man was returning for another romp, and with my mind struggling to grasp the concepts of vortices (not very difficult without alcohol but with - its a whole new problem) I opened the door without a flicker of anxiety as to what horrors could be waiting for me outside. "Hi" I said with a dreamy smile on my face. Then I opened my eyes, and found some strange man standing there. "Are you Clare?" he asked me. "yes" I replied, still trying to hide my embarrassment of having mistaken him for my man. Too late did I see the luminous orange and yellow water pistol being swung from his hip, too late did I dive for cover behind my oaken door, too late were my cries for help and/or mercy. I was shot - straight through the jugular. And to add insult to injury, I was then repeatedly shot again and again, as if to ensure I knew I was dead. Now I may have had a bit to drink, but I was certainly aware of my drenched jumper. "You bastard - you killed me" echoed around the corridors. My assassin grinned and apologized in a gentlemanly way (you know you're in Cambridge when someone apologises for killing you) and introduced himself and his two accomplices - who were also dead. I took a small amount of pleasure from the fact they were also all drenching wet due to the torrent of rain outside. Tempted though I was to grap my own pistol and kill him too (is reincarnation allowed?) I decided to return to the vodka and vortices and bide my time. Anyway, atleast being killed gives me a novel excuse as to why my essay won't be in on time.

25th October 1999

Lurch was left in the lurch by a member of his rugby team. Taffster claimed the kill with a stab to the chest in Sidney Sussex bar.

PC Dan Seymour was killed again in the same place, in the same way, at the same time and by the same killer. Simon 'Psymonty' Tarrant killed all his targets on one night.

Mr. Cain owned up to killing Zordok and one innocent, on the first day and was killed later by Archie.

David Hasselhof removed all doubt about the success or otherwise of his previous attempt on The Player by shooting him outside Queens' bar. Witnesses report that David Hasselhof is in fact Janne Heiskanen, and that Austin Powers aka Timo Numinen was also present.

The newnham mafia attacked once more - this time removing wanted criminal Dan Jarvis from the game. The Percolator made the kill, although he was assisted by Guy Fawkes.

Tepic made a miraculous recovery in hospital this morning. It transpires that he was not fatally wounded during the gunfight with the Percolator.

Pope Innocent XIV killed Professor Yaffle in the streets of Cambridge.

John Harvey (The Fellraven) took a bullet through the heart this morning as he staggered out of his bedroom, having just woken up. The Fury had been waiting for him in the prone position for approximately ten minutes.

Meat Pie was 'cooked' by The Walrus. Meat Pie's last words were 'Who are you?'

Ellen Migo was dispatched by Tiny Tim with a carving knife. Gardies would have been proud of this job.

Qui-gon Jinn decided that Yama's name sounded too much like the Japanese for stop, so he stopped him. Yama's mate, John, identified Qui-gon Jinn as Matthew Wakeling.

Granny Garrett bumped into a Lizard with a gun and got shot. By a cruel twist of fate, Granny had already left a poisoned letter in the Lizard's pigeon hole, which disposed of the Lizard.

PC Anna Martin killed Colin Magee with his own gun.

27th October 1999

it's been very quiet. The last two days have brought these reports in

The percolator reports:
As a result of a tip-off from a shadowy informant, I ascertained the identity of one of mine own assassins - the deadly Helen Bakalis of Sidney Sainsbury's. Gathering strike team C of the great Newnham-Mafia, I engaged in an operation of immense proportion, whenceforth I determined the location of her hideous abode. We burst into her room, only to discover the presence of not one, but two Helens! Quickly rendering each unconscious by careful application of cosh(x), we scoured the room for clues concerning the true identity of the incumbents. Their subterfuge was undermined by the presence of photographs of our victim upon the noticeboard. She died slowly and painfully, through particularly imaginative use of axe and dagger. Our task complete, we made our way back into the night as stealthily as we had arrived.

At half past four yesterday, the Percolator ended the miserable life of the Mango of Churchill College, Jose A. Vallejo. Our ambush was perfectly planned and executed, being accurately timed against his football training. For him, there was no chance of escape, for we had patiently waited upon the stairwell until such time as he vacated his room.

Ashley Lane (Easy Target) turned up at the room of Tiny Tim. Tiny Tim's sense of self preservation was more acute and he shot Easy Target, and to rub it in demonstrated a neat way of making a bomb to his corpse.

Elisabeth 'Pinkfluff' Conolly was quietly walking back from lectures today, and heard her name called. Turning to see who it was, She was hit in the chest by a bullet. The last thing she remembers was the voice saying "I was told I couldn't miss that hair."

Ben Sewell was killed by an unknown assassin. Who did this?

31th October 1999

The Hash Eater found a bomb attached to his door, but it had fallen apart.

Azrael was killed by Woland. He put his death down to insufficient care and lack of paranoia.

"Well, you know how it is in town. The whole problem of what to do in a lunchbreak. Tigger and I tried McDonalds, but we were so Unimpressed, we decided to move elsewhere. To Angel Court, to be precise. We gained access to Jack's room by the cunning Ruse of knocking on his door, and were confronted with a person. The tricky bit was to verify his identity:
<bang>   <bang>
Jack slumped to the floor with two holes in his chest.

The Green Mole (Andrew Wiltshire) reports his own death:
Yesterday afternoon around 3:30pm I received a letter, a very curiuos letter indeed. Could I just pretend the letter wasn't there? Am I being paranoid? Damn well not the letter contained an evil and sickening contact poison carefully laid by the assasin Mr Flibble. The envelope held no clues, posted in London, and the writing unclear. Could there possible be someone in Cambridge who couldn't do joined-up writing. The writing looked suspiciuosly like a friend of mine, could it be from him. It didn't smell of anything, so I opened it and died.

Harland Quinn has the following to say:

A fortnight ago, in 1 weeks time,
Some things must have slipped my mind.
Concerning me, the Pope, a mole of green,
And cold death of the Yaffle kind.

I wrote a poisoned letter, To be sent by a friend.
To reach Girton Coll. via London Town,
And so seal the fate ot the feared Green Mole,
I'm in hope he now lies six feet down.

Then Saturday night, on my way to a film,
I saw a killing not quite of this earth,
The Pope killed The Prof, with a sawn off shotgun,
'xecpt he looked more like Richard Hainsworth.

So now that my memory's recalled these events,
And a report I have composed in verse.
I'd advise watch your back, and to keep your doors locked,
And beware of the Harlequin's curse...

The Poodle, Kath Hibbs spontaneously exploded.

The Artful Dodger (Gillian Clarkson) wasn't artful enough to evade the knife of her assassin who had waited for her inside her room. The killer left a note identifying himself as Mr Jacob Anderson, but police suspect that this is a false name.

The Artiste shot Andrew Brown on the Mathematical Bridge. Macavity's well constructed letter bomb left the relatives without a body to bury and caused minor damage to the porters' lodge.

The late Imogen Richards, of Sainsbury's College of Sidney, took her last living breath today at exactly 1387 seconds past the fourth hour of the sunny Cambridge afternoon. With the assistance of Death Squad D of the Newnham-Mafia, The Percolator made his way to the victim's room, whereupon a diversion was made by dint of a decoy being placed in her doorway. As soon as the decoy admitted his lack of assassinhood, the foolish Imogen relaxed her guard (such as it was). This being the case, I launched myself into the room, axe swinging wildly, and brutally severed her cranium from her vertebrae. Happy with a job well done, the squad retired, and the victim's incorporeal form was content to finish its rather wet essay.

The Wooden Spoon trekked all the way round Cambridge looking for one of her targets, and they were all out. On her way back home, she tried one of them again. This time, knocking on the door of Rob 'The mole' Dafforn, she was greeted with a 'Come In'. The Mole was saved the pain and agony of a knife wound bigger than he could have ever imagined because the Wooden Spoon drew her gun and shot him instead.

Fat Pat was killed by Paul 'Short Kill Report' Whiting in Trinity.

Psymonty demonstrates quick-thinking and a clear head as he makes the most stylish kill of the game so far:
I killed an assassin from Downing last night by the name of Rosalind Marsh. She randomly asked me for directions to a room number I recognised as my own, as I was walking out of the college gate so I offered to draw a map, took out a pen, borrowed a piece of paper from my genial assassin, constructed a makeshift knife and stabbed her with it.

Tom Bell sent a letter bomb, but with spectacular incompetence, managed to place it in the wrong pigeon hole. He killed the recipient, and so he is now on the wanted list.

The Fury woke and murdered The Pimp (Thomas Nicholson).

Melvin drunkenly murdered Solid Evil (Chris Hills), with assistance from Yosemite Sam.

Neil 'Archie' Johnson was killed by a poison letter, sent by Gnapp.

Someone killed Mr Nice outside a wine soceity meeting. Who did this?

The Percolator and PC Guy Fawkes, along with a few innocent accomplices visited Fitz college. It went rather badly for them - the innocents died very quickly, and Percolator and PC Guy Fawkes fairly soon afterwards. There were an unusual number of police present, on both sides. However, placing blame for the innocents' deaths seems to be a fairly academic point, seeing as the suspects (Walrus, Fury, PC Seth) were almost all killed by a bomb. Now read on...
Jonathan Sharp (Biggy 19) visited Trinity Hall, and managed to shoot White Knight (Rob Percival). He then foolishly hung around until The Queen burst in with a knife disguised by a piece of cheese-on-toast. The innovation of assassins these days...
A bomb was later found on Jon's door. The Walrus, The Fury, and an innocent bystander tried to defuse the bomb, but it was rather nicely booby-trapped, leaving them spread across the wallpaper. Since the bomb was designed to be impossible to defuse, and the attacker didn't know the victim was dead, Tiny Tim (Matt Laycock) gets off with a warning (and blown cover).

On Sunday, a random innocent knocked on the door of Mac (Andrew McEwan Eyre), and was promptly shot. Hence Mac is now on the wanted list for indiscriminate murder.

On Monday morning, the Flatulent Elf found a letter in his pigeonhole so ridiculously fake, that he knew no self-respecting assassin could have produced it in an attempt to kill said Elf. Therefore it was with absolute confidence that the fiendish farter opened the letter, only to find that indeed it was laced with nasty poison, the work of "The Assassin".

Agent Blue (Alan Senior) made an excursion out to Queen's on Monday night, in the company of a ghoul (naughty, naughty), in order to avoid incompetence. Well, he managed that. Having alerted his target to his presence by coughing, his target phoned a neighbour, who distracted Agent Blue enough to be filled with lead.

Barry the Ruthless fell victim to a poisoned letter, sent by the deadly Inand.

Charlie has experienced a fairly decent work crisis over these past few days. As a result, I (Matthew Wakeling, Qui-Gonn Jinn) am taking over as Umpire this term. I will attempt to get a news update out fairly regularly. In return, please help me out by including the names of killers and victims in your reports, along with a description of how it happened. Also, please could both the victim and the killer submit a report - it makes my job a lot easier.

I have decided not to produce the first incompetent list. Sorry, but trawling through 730 emails is not my idea of a good afternoon. However, I will make sure you get your incompetents for next week. At the rate things are going, there are going to be quite a lot. Remember, you must make a kill attempt between Tuesday morning this week, and Tuesday morning next week, otherwise you will be wanted for incompetence.

Stage 2 news