News - Stage 2

Wednesday 3rd November

Around 5:30 pm, James Isherwood opened his door to an assassin, who promptly shot him. The two witnesses that showed the killer to the victim's door identified him as a Tim Pike (Tigger). Tigger sent this in:

     /              \
    /                \
   /                  \
   | James Isherwood  |
   |                  |
   | Bounced by Tigger|
   |                  |
   |  3 - 11 - 1999   |
   |                  |
   | May his soul rest|
   |      in peace    |
   |                  |
   |   and his body   |
   |    in pieces     |  \|/
    \ ---------------- \
     \           @      \\|/
\|/   \          |/      \
       \        \|        \   \|/
  \|/   \        |         \
         \                  \
       \|/         \|/       \|/
\|/         \|/       \|/

And then, around 6:00 pm, The Cleaner managed to remove the stubborn stain of Mac (Andrew McEwan Eyre) from the streets of Cambridge, by walking up nonchalantly and firing a cap-gun into Mac's head several times. I hope he mopped up the resulting goo afterwards as well. Mac has this to say:
He did not even allow me the grace of pulling my own gun (which was in my bag at the time) and making a fight of it. Dear, oh dear, what is the world coming to when a decent assassin won't even let his victim know he's shooting.
So, the world has one less wanted criminal. Mac's only consolation is that there were plenty of witnesses gawking, who identified The Cleaner as Dean J Perry.

Austin Powers and a random accomplice trekked out to Harvey Court, to finish off Tepic (Jamie Russel). Unfortunately for Tepic, he was found hard at work, and had hardly noticed the presence of his killers before he was dead.

Thursday 4th November

My, how quiet things have been. Someone made an attempt, but since it's not clear if it was successful, I'll keep that under wraps for the time being.
I can now reveal this news. Spartacus visited the Wooden Spoon, around the time she was due to come back from lectures. He shot her in the back with a small water-pistol, but because she didn't notice, and he legged it immediately afterwards, the shot was declared a flesh wound. Wooden Spoon is due to be released from hospital very early on Saturday morning.

Mac sends in this report from beyond the grave:
Today, outside the Chemistry Department Lecture Theatre One, PC Nick 'Sidious' Lang stabbed me in the back with a plastic knife (which subsequently broke off at the hilt!!!).
Does the killing of corpses constitute an offence? Defilation of the deceased? Necrocide?
What was the name of that James Bond movie? "You're only killed twice"? I do hope so!

Yours with backpain

Andrew (Mac) Eyre

The Dark Lord of the Sith (Qui-Gonn Jinn) requests the Dark Emperor to pay a little more attention to the news.

Arsebeard took two innocent accomplices to visit Ping this evening. However, they got a little more than they bargained for, when Ping turned out to be a psycho water-bottle wielder, resulting in the deaths of both of the (unarmed) innocents.

Friday 5th November

ArseBeard visited Ping again today, this time with more weapons at the ready. However, she did not appear to be in, so he wandered off home again.

Outragous (and opposing) claims have been made on both sides, in a manner that implicates the other party as suitable for the wanted list. To be honest, I'm a little fed up with such massively differing stories, so both of these assassins are now on the wanted list. Take heed people - I am fairly busy with other work, so I won't bother sorting out serious discrepancies in kill reports. Apologies to the two players this example involves. Note that a torch is not a weapon.

There is a tremor in the Force. Something is not quite as it should be. The birds are singing, and the sky seems as blue (?!) as it ever was, but there is something different - familiar. I sense something... a presence I haven't felt since....
Lock your doors. If the Umpire is afraid, you should be too.

Saturday 6th November

At last, things are beginning to happen! Around 2:30 pm, a lightsabre appeared from nowhere and lopped off the head of Louise Cowen (Calista). Her head was found in one corner of the room with the words Sir Psycho Sexy burnt onto her cheek. One can only assume this is the pseudonym of the attacker. The kill had the look of the work of an unstable mind - look out Cambridge. Since Sir Psycho Sexy was not one of Calista's allocated assassins, he goes on the wanted list. Go and kill him everyone - that is, if you can find out who he is!

The Wooden Spoon (it seems) came straight out of hospital, and over to the Christ's JCR pool table, where Spartacus (Wooden Spoon's earlier attacker) was wielding the cue. Suddenly, Wooden Spoon was wielding a gun, which happened to go off, killing Spartacus (John Allister). Well done. Witnesses identified Wooden Spoon as Angela Rayner. The veteran killer Macavity was also reported to be at the scene.

The wanted criminal Martin Arsebeard White went on rampage today. Victim 1:
After viewing the Blair Witch Project (to get me in the right frame of 'mind'), I repaired to Jesus, where Macavity awaited death. The door was answered by a corpse, who promptly led me around the corner to be shot by, presumably, Macavity. However, their names were never given.
Pope Innocent XIV sent in this report:
Some bloke turned up at Macavity's house looking for him. Mr Sumner (deceased) let him in. When asked if he was Macavity, Phil said that he was. He was gassed and so died for the second time this term. The bloke followed Phil's (remarkably animated, considering) corpse back into Phil's room so I shot him in the chest (cap gun). He was weilding his gas can and a fish slice(!) so he was fair game.
Well done that Pope. The streets of Cambridge are safer as a result.

Despite now being dead, Arsebeard continued the rampage. Victim 2:
Some strange people came to Necroneko's door at about 10:45pm today. Neko was working at the computer, so it was with reluctance she got up and went to the door.
There were more knocks.
'Who is it?' she called.
No answer. Neko pricked her ears and decided to be very sceptical about this visit.
Then the computer people arrived, and she heard shots, and a voice, saying 'I'm dead', and, worried, she decided to take action.

*short pause*

The door swung slowly open. Directly outside were the computer people, who stood to one side as NecroNeko made her appearance, bearing menacing red lightsabre and large crossbow. The assassins outside took one horrified look, and fled, raising a cloud of dust.

ArseBeard described the scene like this:
For a laugh (it was Saturday night, wannit), I then went to Christs, where, after finding my target's lair, two people came down the stairs and shot me. These may or may not have been assasins. After that, the mad NecroNeko herself opened the door, and produced two guns bigger than any I have ever seen in my entire life, after which I promptly legged it out of Christs, cussing our Lord on high.
A report from (so far evasive) Macavity:
Macavity, clutching a power cable and accompanied by the Masked Man's dark figure (carrying a computer monitor) arrived at Necroneko's room to find a large crowd of people clustering round the foot of the stairs. Assuming such a large crowd, so far from Necroneko's door, could be nothing to do with her participation in the game, the pair pushed through the crowd. However, when Macavity knocked on Neko's door, shouting "it's me!" to the occupants, the crowd showed immediate interest. One of them produced what looked to Macavity like a flamethrower (though it might have been a poison gas cannister). Not realising that Macavity was also an assassin, he stood his ground as Macavity approached, whipped out a pistol and shot him twice. He then claimed he was already dead, but Macavity does not believe him - if he was dead, why was he outside an assassin's room holding a weapon? Since he was in any case openly armed, he was a viable target. Thus Macavity evades the law once more...

"And when you reach the scene of crime, Macavity's not there..."

Arsebeard, now dead twice, kept on going. Victim 3:
I then went to Trinity Hall, where I failed to find any sign of The Queen (?!), but managed to piss people off.
The Umpire recommends against pissing people off.

Sunday 7th November

At 8:40 this morning, The Queen was visited by Jo (from Southampton), who unfortunately set off a bomb attached to The Queen's door. The Queen expressed his shock at seeing his friend spread across the wallpaper:
i was asleep about 4 m away, which was less than the range of the bomb (which said 2 things - 250cm^3 and 3.15 m). obviously i was shocked at her death, but this was as nothing as to my joy at surviving an assassination attempt and being able to get someone on the wanted list (i hope).....
This attack smells so much like another act of the violent wanted criminal Sir Psycho Sexy. Players are requested to find and kill this menace to the public safety.

Sir Psycho Sexy strikes again. I'm beginning to see a pattern. At 11:05 this morning, Psychedel (Mark Richardson) opened his door and died.
I was killled by a luminous yellow bomb taped to my door.
Goodness knows how many of these devices have been scattered over Cambridge - be careful this morning.

Another random death this morning. Claire Midgely says:
I,ve just been blown up. I'm not sure who did it but someone attached a bomb to my door. Quite an impressive one too!! It was a bright yellow box with a banger(or something)attached to it. 250cc with a radius of 3.15m. There were no innocent people killed. Unfortunately, they did not leave a name-but this was quite original piece of work!

As you can see, these three deaths are clearly by the same person. Please, I need people to find out who this is, before Sir Psycho Sexy kills off the whole Guild!

Tiny Tim visited Trinity with murderous intent, with at least two accomplices:
I crept into Trinity like a shadow in the night intent on wasting Paul Whiting. With me hiding flat against the wall, my friend kept the victim talking about an international food evening he was looking for with a superb imitation of a foreign accent. :)
After about 10 minutes the deceased seemed to be relaxed enough to open the door a crack. Quick as a flash I leapt in and wasted him. :)
I would like to thank my other friend for calling the hit by waving at me at appropriate moments, my parents and Bunty my pet rabbit.

Tiny Tim

P.P.S. You're next Innocent XIV! The Pope Must Die!
P.P.P.S. Who needs rubber band guns!

Another of Sir Psycho Sexy's bombs showed up this evening, when The Mad Yak triggered it:
Ok, so I get back from a lovely weekend spent in my boyfriend's bed, and what do I return to????!!
A great big sodding bomb attached to my door - luminous yellow, too.
Yes, it detonated, so yes, I'm dead, bits of my beautiful body strewn round the first floor of z corridor......some parts of the victim's face are yet to be located, so relations with bedders are sure to take a downward turn on Monday morning, as blood tends to make the mop-water a little less useable than normal.
Brownie points are given to the assassin for sheer effort - police reports suggest that the expertise required to produce such a device is significant, and hours of effort would have been put in in planning and carrying out the operation.
Close relatives and friends are in seven years of mourning for the beloved daughter, friend, and all-round lovely girl Mary-Ann. She is now nothing more than a small pile of mangled fleshy pieces, and some random spatterings of blood on the once-clean magnolia walls of Emmanuel.

At last! Beowulf (Tom Bell), killer of innocents by large explosive devices, has been removed from this world by Theo. The Umpire applauds this example of civil action. Commenting on the remarkable turn of events, Theo commented "I just couldn't resist".

Monday 8th November

Sir Psycho Sexy was obviously not pleased with the fact that The Queen had survived his previous bomb. However, Sir Psycho Sexy was delighted to hear the exact distance The Queen's bed was from the door, and adjusted his bomb size to suit:
i woke up at about 6:30 this morning to hear mumblings and shufflings outside my door. i stubmbled out of bed and began a desperate search for my knife, which, 2 minutes later i found. i gingerly opened my door onto an empty corridor and a huge explosion. being dead there was nothing left to do but go back to bed and attempt to get some rest in peace. i presume that this was the work of sir phyco sexy (given the luminious yellow bomb) but he has changed his stratagy somewhat by the addition of 2000cm^3 of explosive, giving a total bomb radius of 6.55 m. this is the biggest bomb that i've ever seen and i feel proud to have been blown up by it.
And finally, we hear from the mad killer himself:
Hmm id The Queen with a bigger bomb - It went off as we left ( we were only just outside blast raius - Im SOOOO glad I didn't go back to put contact poison on it :)
Sir Psycho Sexy will pay for his misdeeds. Somehow.

Yet another Sir Psycho Sexy bomb went off, this time killing Melvin (Matthew Miller).

Unicorn reported having to defend herself this morning:
I saw my assassin this morning. I know he was mine, as he tried to kill me. Luckily, he missed, and so I returned fire. Alas, he was pegging it for all he was worth, and my fire fell short, and I was unable to give chase, on account of having buggered up my ankle once more. Still, at least it's a kill attempt.

Edd Pringle sauntered across to Tigger, Unicorn, and the Chief of Police, after Maths lectures, and started a conversation. I went something like:
Edd Pringle: I have been considering joining up with the Police to see if I can get this Sir Psycho Sexy person.
Tigger: I'm not entirely sure why his name and address aren't on the wanted list, if he's a wanted criminal.
Chief of Police: Well, we could try and get his name and address on the wanted list
Edd Pringle: We could set a trap for him, so that he has to kill someone in view of witnesses.
Chief of Police: Then the Umpire would have to put his name and address on the wanted list.
Edd Pringle: I would be famous!
Sir Psycho Sexy (for that is who Edd Pringle really was) then pulled a knife and visciously stabbed Unicorn and Tigger, then legged it, while Unicorn shot back. The Chief of Police gave chase, and threw his knife at Pringle, which unfortunately missed, leaving Sir Psycho Sexy free to stab the Chief of Police in the arm. However, it was ascertained that Unicorn had shot Sir Psycho Sexy before any of his killing moves could take place.
So, at last the most wanted criminal has been apprehended. Congratulations go out to Unicorn, whose quick thinking has saved Cambridge from a very dangerous person.

The honourable killer of criminals, Theo (Tim Nixon) was today gunned down by what seemed like a mafia member keen on revenge. The Nyth reports:
While standing in Main Court showing off my new acquisitions, one Theo (a.k.a. Proactive Tim) decided to wheel his bicycle through the court to the bike racks... Little did he know that he was the prime target for betraying our college code. The proactive one fell over his bicycle in the entrance of B archway from the result of a single shot to the back of the neck... Free bicycle anyone? And no, that's not rust... It's blood.
This act of violence leaves the wanted list with another member. Go get him, everyone.

Tiny Tim is as paranoid as ever:
A flyer for the Fez Club was placed in my pigeonhole covered in a toothpaste like substance. Only a total moron would have failed to spot it. Needless to say I survived the attempt which was signed "Anne Assassin"

The Artiste went around to avoid incompetence this evening. This may be a recurring theme:
Walking around town after visiting my targets killing none of them due either a) they weren't in or b) they could tell I was an assassin. I spotted someone (I think it was Yosemite Sam?) reloading their gun, unfortunately the bastard spotted me as I fired off a shot near to them, running away as he was unarmed. I laughed a manic laugh and proceeded to run after him, just as he put away his gun. Hence I too ran away.
Yosemite Sam meanwhile was doing pretty much the same thing:
Having realised that I had been spending far too much time working I decided that I had better kill someone. So I went to Corpus but the guy wasn't there... I then headed to Kings where I had been tracking a guy for a couple of weeks (name of Papagano - Cristian Asby). Finally he was in his room. Knocking on his door an accomplice (who wishes to remain anonymous) said "Hi! We're from CUAG. We'd like to ask you a few questions about an incident here last night." (a cunning ploy I think you will agree). However, his girlfriend (?) answered with a rather useless (to me anyway) "What?" and so I was left with no choice but to burst into his room with guns blazing. Or at least they should have blazed but for the fact that someone had attempted to sabotage me. The first three shots simply clicked through and I began to panic... Four, five (by this time he had picked up a lightsabre) but then six, success a last; I shot him in the head not once not twice but three times thus depleting my supply of bullets. But at least Cristian Asby was no more. Then an odd thing happened, as I was leaving Kings on my way towards another kill (which unfortunately didn't come off) I decided to reload my gun. Removing it from my pocket I began to refill the chamber. But I then heard a click from behind - one which I had heard five times earlier that evening. Fearing that I was about to be killed I ran off in the opposite direction looking back to see a dark shape standing behind me.
Which just so happened to be The Artiste.

And Serge Lewis (Masked Man D) um... became incompetent, but in a completely different way:
  So it had come to this. "The incompetence list is a way of removing.." Sitting in his darkened room, the Masked Man shuddered.
With three hours to go before the dreaded incompetence list took force, the Masked Man finally shook off his dark lethargy. "I'll not be removed by the hand of another!"
But how to make one's exit? A sudden thought lit the dark corners of the Masked Man's mind. He looked to the corner of his room, at the explosive devices he had prepared back when his work held meaning. If he took them all together..
Half an hour later a dark shape carrying a large rucksack clearly labelled "40 litres" was seen leaving a Cambridge college. A few minutes later, a loud noise and a flash of light was observed by the inhabitants of northern Cambridge..
..unfortunately, judging by the location of the crater, it appears the Masked Man's device went off prematurely, most likely while still on his back. May his light side succeed where his dark side failed...
Incompetence, it seems, is inescapable, list or none.

Nightgobbo also went hunting in an attempt to avoid the incompetent list:
all was going so well, I was standing in front of their door, gun in my hand, I knew they were in because I could hear music coming from the victim's room, I was about to knock... and then the door of the person next to my victim's room opened, and she saw me standing there with my gun in my hand. I panicked briefly, and then I said:
"Errr... Is this Trinity?"
"No," (looking at the gun in my hands), "this is King's."
"Ah... ok then."
And I ran for it.

But, tomorrow, they'll die. It is their destiny. They can't escape it.

Jacob Anderson made a good kill about 14 minutes before the deadline:
I am glad to report my latest successful kill. The victim was one of my assigned targets, Lauri Ora. Time of death: 23:46, Monday 8th November.
I knocked on the door of his room. The words "Did someone knock" came from within. I knocked again. He cautiously opened the door, just enough to poke his head round to see who was there. Unfortunately this was too much - for him - as a bullet in the face from a range of approx. 10cm doesn't do anyone any good. And that is precisely what he got.
After confirming with him that he was in fact dead, I handed him my trademark note, identifying myself as Jacob Anderson. And then I left.

No witnesses.

Incompetent? No, I was just biding my time.

And 10 minutes before the deadline, Leon poisoned Barry the Ruthless (Tracey Jensen):
The target choked to death after a particulally potent poisonous gas grenade was thrown into her room. She had no time to reach for the protection of a gas mask of any sort and almost immediatly became unconscious while the room continued to fill with poisonous fumes.

The wanted list now has 55 incompetent members. Go mash.

Stage 3 news