Game News

The beginning of the game.

Have fun everyone!
- Umpire.

Archaeonecros killed Ominous Pseudonym at 13:05:00 on Thursday
Archaeonecros reports:
Mr. Opportunist Killer strikes!!!!

While randomly in Pembroke I brutally gunned down an unsuspecting Ominous Pseudonym.

Ominous Pseudonym reports:
I was gunned down in cold blood on the steps leading up to Pembroke JCR. Foolishly unprepared, I had ventured forth in a public place undisguised and carrying no weapon. I deserved to die, but it shall not happen again.
Well done. The first kill of the game. Five minutes late though.
Are you sure this was completely random wandering around?
- Umpire.

Athos killed Miss Marple at 13:12:33 on Thursday
Athos reports:
Miss Marple hot footed it to a rendevous with hot footlights president Kevin Baker but left feet first, struck down with a pistol shot from Athos, who was taking a break from combatting the Cardinal and Cancer in CULES The Three Musketeers. He hopes to escape hot blooded revenge until Wednesday the 16th when he will be carousing and killing in John's Gardens at 4pm.

SWAT Zero killed Harland Quinn at 15:36:30 on Thursday
SWAT Zero reports:
Daredevil assaulter chopped in half by random rifle fire in close quarters combat...
Tigger reports:
Having at last found an assassin who had the decency to be both in and presently alive, he promptly gunned us down.
Harland Quinn reports:
Around Trinity Hall and Queens and Jesus
We went but noone was willing.
Oh my God, I think he's seen us.
SWAT Zero enjoyed the killing.

SWAT Zero killed Tigger at 15:37:00 on Thursday
Tigger reports:
Having just claimed his first victim, he didn't hang around for long, as we died our mutual death in our brief struggle. I died gently with a shot to the stomach.....

Tigger killed SWAT Zero at 15:37:00 on Thursday
Tigger reports:
Now with the addded cover of the fallen body, the gunfight didn't open up at all, and it was just a brief exchange around the door. No opportunity was takn to draw the gunfight out into the open where a long and drawn out battle could have taken place. It was all over rather quickly....
SWAT Zero reports:
A knock was heard at the barracks... as we were on a state of alert, the first thing to do was grab the assault rifle and make sure it was load and cocked. A quick look through the armored porthole confirmed the Intelligence Report, an unknown number of enemies were assaulting the HQ. With nothing but my life left to lose, I opened the door and fired three short bursts, while trying to dodge heavy railgun slugs and a neurotoxin spray... eventually being caught in the latter...
As I fell to the floor, nervous system collapsing, I had scarcely a second in which to see the actual effect of my rifle fire... two corpses (actually, four half corpses) lay on the ground amid pools of blood, having been neatly ripped apart at waist level...

Met various people in the street today.
One thing of note was that the Uncle begged me to post the fact that he really does want lots of people to visit him. I dunno - sounds suspicious to me.
- Umpire.

Friendly Bob killed Madelaine, the PFY at 16:24:58 on Thursday
Friendly Bob reports:
I spotted the Pimply Faced Youth approaching down King's Parade, wearing a scarf. Since he was evidently too hot, I decided to assist by giving him a taste of cold steel.

Madelaine, the PFY reports:
As she was returning from the unsafe realms of the CL (must check that lift, feels "unsafe"), the PFY suddenly noticed a knife in her heart.
With a hand attached to it.
Oh. Dear.

(yes, I am being deliberatly confusing...)
Yes you are. But I'll let you get away with because you admitted you were. ;-) - Umpire.

Overkill mashed a non-player at 17:30:00 on Thursday
Unicorn reports:
The Unicorn was uneasy. Despite the glory of her surroundings, something was amiss.
She looked around.
There!! heading towards her, with a shuffling, sidelong run, was a creature from the nethermost pits of the OtherWorld!
Instantly, her muscles bunched, as she leapt for safety, to hide secure amongst the caverns of BotomSea, where she was hidden by the eldritch inhabitants.
Alas! the fate of her companions was not so reassuring. The corpse of her beloved was hideously mutilated by her enemy's weapons. Finding themselves at a loss, the happy, laughing inhabitants of the kingdom turned to the new threat in their midst. One of them pulled out an iconograph, and captured the demon's image. The demon, fearing his soul had been lessened by this, slew the hapless tribesman.

We must mourn, oh my companions, for never will we find a friendship such as this to carry us on our quest.
This kill does count as a kill of an innocent, because the innocent was not bearing a registered weapon. Much as Overkill would like bearing a camera to be valid excuse to kill someone, I cannot allow this. The deaths in Cambridge would be innumerable! Killing someone who is openly bearing a weapon, who turns out not to be a player is fine. - Umpire.

Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble killed Emarkienna at 18:01:00 on Thursday
Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble reports:
Here you go Matt, I promised you some news. Hope these little items will keep you happy:

Went wandering in TitHell today. Saw Emarkienna. Killed same.
I love rubber band guns.
Friendly Bob reports:
While wandering around Trinity Hall aimlessly (as one tends to do), I spotted my old friend Mr Pringle appear through an archway at high speed. I was somewhat surprised by this - apparantly not as surprised as Mark Harman who promptly turned round and fell over. Before being shot. Several times. Tch, eh?

Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble killed Archaeonecros at 18:04:00 on Thursday
Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble reports:
Then I met Nadim No News Nehme. He was summarily dispatched by myself and Monsieur Garrett, however, Nadim did not know that he was playing (had not checked the news =) so we let him off. Nadim lives!
I really enjoy rubber band guns!

Then I saw Archaeonecros who had been alerted by Emarkienna. God, they were subtle. In the ensuing firefight, we shot each other. We are both dead :(
Need bigger rubber band gun.
Waits for reinforcements...
Friendly Bob reports:
Mere minutes later, having failed to kill ex-umpire "No-news" on the grounds that he whimpered a lot, who should suddenly appear but Archaeonecros? Taking the sensible option of not getting myself killed, I stood well back and watched as he and Mr Flibble killed each other with extreme enthusiasm. I'll never forget the manic grins on their faces as they dropped to the ground, dead...
Yep, that's great going. More please. - Umpire.
Archaeonecros reports:
...but so did I, courtesey of the UNCLE's radioactive slugs...

Archaeonecros killed Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble at 18:04:00 on Thursday
Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble reports:
Then I saw Archaeonecros who had been alerted by Emarkienna. God, they were subtle. In the ensuing firefight, we shot each other. We are both dead :(
Need bigger rubber band gun.
Waits for reinforcements...
Archaeonecros reports:
On hearing that the UNCLE was in town, I moseyed on down to Tit Hall to have a bit of a shoot-out... Nyth, UNCLE and Friendly Bob were standing there as I approached, on seeing me separated and I charged the UNCLE with my UZI-abalazing... he fell...

Overkill killed NFG at 18:26:00 on Thursday
NFG reports:
Sitting in my room, see my doorknob turn slowly. Expecting a friend to come over around this time, I walk up and fling the door wide open. And, naturally, get shot in the face. Full points for stupidity.

Athos killed Tigger at 20:35:12 on Thursday
Athos reports:
Athos shot tigger point blank, which was most inconsiderate given that Tigger was saying what a greatplay The Three Musketeers was. Most ungentlemanly conduct

Giancarlo Mascarpone killed misfire at 21:25:27 on Thursday
Giancarlo Mascarpone reports:
"James" was let into the building by an unsuspecting neighbour, with fatal consequences for misfire.

Archaeonecros killed Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble at 22:42:00 on Thursday
Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble reports:
The BOFH and myself were leaving Clare College, going on a "mission". Archaeonecros spotted us and opened fire. My death was the untimely result.
Memo to myself: get rubber band gun that's quicker on the draw.
Archaeonecros reports:
I spotted the BOFH mounting a bicycle, accompanied by the Uncle. They headed out onto Queens Road, whereupon I proceeded to blow a nice hole in the Uncle's upper half. Most of the upper half. (What upper half?!?!)
Well, I suppose that *does* answer my request for more bloodshed... - Umpire.

Archaeonecros killed BOFH at 22:44:00 on Thursday
Archaeonecros reports:
Having pasted the UNCLE, I decided to engage the BOFH in a duel on Burrell's walk... we proceeded to lob large amounts of ammo at each other, which proved to be mutually fatal.
Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble reports:
Archaeonecros and the BOFH then drew apart. And then drew together again and had a duel. In the ensuing firefight, rubber bands and water filled the air. And rubber bands and water both made contact.
Two more dead on Burrell's Walk.
Hmm. There's a very strange high concentration of bidirectional kills going on. Suspicious? I suppose the fact that all three kills were reported from the same computer has nothing to do with it... - Umpire.

BOFH killed Archaeonecros at 22:44:00 on Thursday
BOFH reports:
Yes boys and girls, that's how it happened. Archie drew. I drew. We fired. We died.


None of you have tried, but it's also possible to report multiple (more than two) mutual kills in a cycle, though how you would manage to pull this off physically is quite beyond me. - Umpire.

BOFH attempted suicide at 02:44:13 on Friday
BOFH reports:
Certainly 13 is an unlucky number. Precisely 4 hours and that unfortunate number of seconds after I had previously been murdered by Archie, I was cleaning my weaponry, getting ready for the next kill...
...when what should happen, but my finger nudged the trigger of a loaded weapon...
...the world turned dark as the poison coursed through my veins, a small dart protruding from my foot...
I have failed this (and other) suicides because of the change in suicide scoring. - Umpire.

Archaeonecros attempted suicide at 02:51:00 on Friday
Archaeonecros reports:
Feeling a bit down, and finding it hard to get to sleep, I decided to solve my depression and insomnia in one go... with an UZI to be more specific.

Lights out.

Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble attempted suicide at 08:30:00 on Friday
Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble reports:
I was feeling very suicidal when I woke up this morning, especially as I needed to do imortant stuff for a few hours. Hence on a whim, I blew my head off.
OW Rubber band guns from point blank range in the head hurt.

Pierluigi Zabaglione killed Tigger at 09:41:27 on Friday
Tigger reports:
hmm fast running person spraying weapon. I was only typing an ICQ message at the time. hmm yes well that was the second time he has come up here to get me. He shot me last time as well despite me pointing out my already untimely demise at the hands of SWAT. Persistent isn't he.
Unicorn reports:
The Unicorn was communicating with fellow members of her species, about the joys of gradually becoming prune-like in the bath, after punting all night, when she recieved a very bizzare ICQ.

It stated "I had to carefully check the number of*-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ed"

and then ended.
What could this mean???
Pierluigi Zabaglione reports:
I am glad to have blooded a special-edition Larami-sponsored gun; there are only 3 in the country as it stands, wielded by myself and Duncan Taylor (Dur) and the man known just as Silk (Ox)...
The kill was fine as my opponent's WWC field blocked his exceedingly violent counterattack. I somehow guessed who he was icq-ing and decided to dissappear

yours dearly,

Andrew "Granny" Grantham

Blue killed misfire at 11:24:00 on Friday
Blue reports:
As misfire came into my room, I decided to engage thankless bastard mode, and despite the mug of tea peace offering I reached for the AK47 which helps me sleep a little better at night. There's no feeling any greater than to shoot first and ask questions later, so I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day.

Unfortunately, he had the same intention and killed me too.

misfire killed Blue at 11:24:00 on Friday
Blue reports:
Misfire came into my room to bring me a mug of tea to help me recover from a hangover. As he handed it to me he stabbed me in the chest.

BOFH attempted suicide at 11:41:56 on Friday
BOFH reports:
My campaign of apparent masochism continued today as I forgot the time-honoured Microsoft Word Tip: never run with scissors.
I hope you realise that if you keep killing yourself you are going to do very badly in this game. You can't kill anyone while you are dead. - Umpire.

Athos killed Harland Quinn at 12:45:23 on Friday
Athos reports:
Athos shot Harley Quinn in the chest giving him pneumothorax. In revenge he said that he would not see three musketeers at 4pm St John's gardens on Wednesday. Which athos thought was very childish, given the play is in aid of cancer charities.

Harland Quinn killed Athos at 12:45:23 on Friday
Harland Quinn reports:
As I awoke on Friday morn,
A knocking at my door,
Athos shot me and I shot her,
I'll get you Wednesday at four.

And so it seems that I must wait,
'Til I'm alive to kill another day,
But when I resurrect and so do you,
I'll get you at your play.

Love and Hugs and Kisses

Harley Quinn

Archaeonecros killed Conqueror at 13:30:00 on Friday
Archaeonecros reports:

In the Clare lunch queue.


He died.

Staveit Stuffit (retired), now a self-sufficient Taxidermist killed Fish at 14:02:41 on Friday
Staveit Stuffit (retired), now a self-sufficient Taxidermist reports:
Maybe I'm not so retired. My favourite weapon was always the knife.
Now the fish is but a sole. Going to heaven, doubtlessly, judging from the photos in my wallet. Why are you hiding under a scarf?

David Duffett

Staveit Stuffit (retired), now a self-sufficient Taxidermist killed The Nyth at 14:20:19 on Friday
Staveit Stuffit (retired), now a self-sufficient Taxidermist reports:
Nadim fell off his bike and got run over by a car. The Coroner however pronounced him dead from poison. There was also a small but significant prong in his left calf- muscle.

He called my name and cycled away. The delivery on this occasion was superb, hitting him on the second bounce. Harold Spikes will be mourned, but he died not in vain. GM is fun. I mean you can insert black widow genes into hedgehogs, and...

The Beatified Operator from Heaven

Archaeonecros killed Blue at 15:34:00 on Friday
Archaeonecros reports:
Found Blue sitting in BBC kitchen quite happily. Until I shot him, that is.

BOFH attempted suicide at 15:45:10 on Friday
BOFH reports:
Just testing my poison.
It works.
Do not disturb my corpse.
Don't worry... I'll be a little more than active tomorrow =)

Archaeonecros killed misfire at 16:47:00 on Friday
Archaeonecros reports:
Then proceeded to waste his mate an hour or so later.

Unicorn mashed a non-player at 19:25:44 on Friday
A non-player reports:
Last night while innocently sitting on Tigger's bed, eating strawberries and cream, I was reduced to a pile of ashes, afer Unicorn decided she needed a target to aim her flame thrower at. I hope this hideous crime will be punished most severely.

Tigger killed Unicorn at 19:26:37 on Friday
Tigger reports:
Well having ambled round town earlier carrying "My Precious" under one arm and got no more than strange looks from tourists, it was time to turn attentions closer to home.
Unicorn was busy occupying herself providing competition for thee local crematorium, generally toasting a couple of innocent bystanders, and Greg was only looking for some sugar, when she toated my right leg I looked at the charred stump and decided enough was enough. I shot away a chunk of ceiling above her head which landed with a nice squelching sound. Some people really must learn about who to succeeded=yes
Unicorn reports:
Yes, it was very dull wandering around town, with nowt but the random pigeon to shoot. Is it any wonder then that when I found the flamethrower under Tigger's bed, I torched a lamp, T'other Tim, and Greg, Because They Were There.
I then moved onto bigger game, and torched Tigger's leg. Alas! I had forgotten what was in his pocketesesss - My Precious!!!

BOFH attempted suicide at 19:55:00 on Friday
BOFH reports:
In keeping with my busy schedule, I am staying dead. Please will everyone kindly take the hint :-)
Oh and J Doe. You missed anyway :-)

Miss Maple killed misfire at 21:00:36 on Friday
Miss Maple reports:
I shot George. His feeble claims he'd been fridged two hours ago were exposed as a lie. And his friend Mark Harman killed himself 1/2 a sec before i shot him. I must say the current ruleset/pointsystem is so fabulous that I might even resign unless the Umpire does something about it sharp.

J Doe. George was my 58th kill.
Miss Maple reports:
Mark stabbed himself just before I shot him. This means he gains 0.05 of a point rather than loses 0.95 of a point according to the current pointsystem.

I see the point.

He gained 0.05 points instead of losing 0.45 points by the way. And the BOFH gained 0.00325 points for his suicide just after midnight.

Threatening to resign is not such a sensible idea - my hands are a little tied by what I started out on. I think the very best option possible is for me to change the scoring system so that suicides are treated a lot more harshly, and then offer to remove past suicides from the statistics. For instance - "more harshly" would mean that Marek would immediately go to the bottom of the stats page, almost never to return. However, I can reasonably assume that if the new scoring system was in place from day 1, Marek would not have killed himself so many times, so I am willing to cancel a proportion of those suicides.

Interestingly, Mark Harman hasn't reported his suicide yet.

I seem to have come to the conclusion that a simple method will never work. Hopefully however, my method will be ultimately simpler once all the loopholes have been removed than the old system would have been once all the loopholes have been removed. Be prepared for a few changes.
- Umpire.
This has now been resolved - Umpire.

Miss Maple killed Emarkienna at 21:00:45 on Friday
Miss Maple reports:
Emarkienna was shot in the spleen and liver at about this time...

BOFH attempted suicide at 00:01:13 on Saturday
BOFH reports:

Emarkienna killed misfire at 01:18:26 on Saturday
Emarkienna reports:
Lying dead in Trinity computer room, emarkienna and misfire resurrected at around the same time. Or rather, emarkienna came to life a few seconds earlier, removed the blade from her chest, and plunged it into misfire.

Archaeonecros reports:
Emarkienna and misfire were primed to resurrect. And they were on MY patch. For this they were to pay; to DIE.

Alas, 'twas not to be. Before I could get to them Emarkienna had taken misfire's life once again, and mysteriously vanished using her arcane powers. I looked everywhere. She wasn't underneath the table. She wasn't behind the door. I was baffled. So I left.


I now have the new suicide scoring system in place. Basically, each time you kill yourself you lose the same amount of points as if someone else killed you for the first time.

For those who have killed themselves multiple times pointlessly, I am allowing them to invalidate some of their suicides provided there is sufficient reason in MY opinion. Until that is done, some people may look a lot lower on the stats than they should be. This will be fixed soon, and will definitely be good by the end of the game.

Warning: Do not kill yourself.
- Umpire.

The Sphinx killed Potato at 09:41:18 on Saturday
The Sphinx reports:
I knocked on the door of the Potato's room: as it was 9.40am and she
was a student and hence clinically dead, she opened it without due
care and paranoia. I stabbed her. Since it was 9.40 am, I stabbed
her again to make sure she remembered. If she was sleepwalkking at
the time and thinks it was all a bad dream, I would be happy to come
round and stab her again. Nothing personal, I just hate to leave a job
half done.
Miss Maple reports:
Yes, this was my plan. I was going to agree with him to cancel any of those suicides which were superfluous, probably leaving one behind as a token. As for Archaeonecros and Flibble, they both committed a single pointless suicide - I don't see why they have to suffer for those, so I'll probably cancel those too.

Hehe - that lightning strike took out both hermes and this little Assassins server, but guess which one was working again first ;-)
- Umpire.

Please don't report bidirectional kills unless a delayed effect weapon was used (like poison).

If you really don't know which of you killed the other, arrange a mini-duel on the spot, or come to me for a mini-duel. From now on, I will start auditing bi- (or multi-) directional kills. Basically, I'm trying to close the loophole where you can simulate suicide by doing a bidirectional kill.
- Umpire.

Hmm. Lightning struck the power lines, so the power supplies of both my computers noticed and shut themselves down, one of them producing amusing beeping sounds. A simple double wall-switch operation later, and the computer was complaining that it wasn't shut down properly. I don't think anything was lost. Only about 3 minutes of downtime.

Ahh, it's been 31 days since I last rebooted this machine - I'd almost forgotten what it was like.
- Umpire.

Blue killed misfire at 13:30:30 on Saturday
Blue reports:
I noticed Misfire leaning out of the kitchen window clutching what appeared to be a piano, waiting to drop it on some unsuspecting victim. He didnt see me come in, so I constructed a dart, carefully applied some fast-acting poison and killed him. I considered disposing of the body, but instead settled on bundling Misfire out the window. It's not the first time there's been an odd mess on the pavement below the kitchen, and I doubt it will be the last.

Anybody want to buy a piano? It's only slightly damaged, but may need retuning.

Is the piano in tune? I'll only consider taking it if it is.

By the way, this program knows *exactly* what to do with HTML tags, as you can see above. I'll edit out the <b> and </b> some time later. If you're lucky, I might even embed them properly, and give you *real* bold text.
Sorry, but allowing HTML tags through is just soooooooooooo much of a security hole.
- Umpire.

Friendly Bob killed Unicorn at 14:12:00 on Saturday
Friendly Bob reports:
While enjoying Fitz's wonderful gardens, I spotted the Unicorn carrying a diabolo. Sadly due to a typing error, I mistook it for some sort of diabolical minion and so decided to rid the world of the evilness.

Unicorn reports:
Happily heading to a picnic, bearing diabolo, and two bottles, I spotted a merry little assassin heading towards me.

As he said: Whoops!

Tigger killed Friendly Bob at 14:14:00 on Saturday
Friendly Bob reports:
Feeling perhaps a mite overconfident, I then followed Tigger up the stairs at high sped. This might have been a good idea were it not for the large gun he produced upon diving into his room.

Whoops. Again.
Tigger reports:
I at least leant him a towel. I am not that malicious.
How very benevolent of you.

That's how Assassins should be played really.
- Umpire.

Alex Cairns killed The Sphinx at 17:30:46 on Saturday
Alex Cairns reports:
Alex Cairns reports:
A double kill, finished off with a knife.
Now I can bring ten pints of blood to rocksoc to swap for a black velvet cloak or perhaps some black lipstick (I do get through my black lipstick quite quickly because I've got a big mouth that says T-shirts without meaning to).

Alex Cairns killed The Weasel at 17:30:47 on Saturday
Alex Cairns reports:
Well, those were rather minimalist reports. Any further details at all? - Umpire.

Alex Cairns killed *Red, Black, White and Unspecified* at 20:40:25 on Saturday
Alex Cairns reports:
Well, I'm sure a ressurrecting corpse will also be welcome at rocksoc.
I would just like to say that Goths are cool

Alex Cairns, the Laundry (Lord Nhudri), priest of Cthulu

does anyone know a surgery that does cheap tentacle implants?

Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble tried to kill *Red, Black, White and Unspecified* at 23:00:00 on Saturday
Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble reports:
Suffering from an overdose of having done too much music today (7 hours) so felt like a bit of light relief. Around Fitz.

First stop was Emma Bennett. I entered her room and hit her with 16 rubber bands. Overkill, I know, but he'd already got there first, apparently.
Anyway, the newly imported fully-automatic rubber band guns (that the Manchester new-arrival reinforcements brought) seem to have a *slightly* sticky trigger...
Since this was Emma Bennet that was "killed", except she was dead already, I will convert this kill to a failed kill of Emma. Sometime. When failed kill reports work. - Umpire.
This has now been done. - Umpire.

Blue killed misfire at 23:00:05 on Saturday
Blue reports:
In a fit of boredom, I used the last of my poison to construct a poison dart and threw it at misfire. It seems I had used the last of my co-ordination in my previous kill. I laughed, expecting misfire to collapse on the floor, dead. When he pointed out that I had missed, and he wasn't in fact dead I pulled a revolver from my underwear and shot him.

Pope Innocent XIV killed Fred at 23:50:00 on Saturday
Pope Innocent XIV reports:

Fred. Two shots. In the back. Not exactly heroic, but effective nonetheless.

Innocent XIV, Pont. Max.
Fred died quite honourably, pausing only to say "thankyou" over his shoulder.

You have to be very careful when leaving an area covered by armistice, especially when there are people present you *know* are out to get you.
- Umpire.

Lead Piping killed Pope Innocent XIV at 23:51:00 on Saturday
Lead Piping reports:
Looking round the room, Lead Piping realised that there *were* some assassins present - and he had stupidly ventured out unarmed......

However, wherever there's a will, there's a way. Hastily Lead Piping grabbed some unsuspecting cardboard and fashioned a (very) crude knife (I'm so glad I had a pen on me!) A few minutes later Pope Innocent XIV carelessly bragged to a circle of people that he had just butchered FRED. Lead Piping was part of that circle. Pope Innocent XIV was busy cogratualating himself so Lead Piping took the opportunity to draw his knife and stab.

The corpse was most offended to be killed with such a crude weapon and insisted on providing a knife of his own with which Lead Piping could finish the job.

The job was finished very quickly.

With his last breath Pope Innocent XIV said something about "4 hours to live" - but he was going to be dead for the next four hours - what could he have meant??? :)

Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble killed Unicorn at 23:59:00 on Saturday
Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble reports:
Based on information gleened from Emma, we (myself and Stu) headed to a private house.

There I was entered in by the owner and proceeded to violently murder the happy couple in the corner.

They died in each others arms.

I *LOVE* these new fully-automatics rubber band guns.
Unicorn reports:
At least we let him stay 'till the end of Return of the Jedi. But we didn't offer him a drink.
Because we'd run out.

Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble killed Tigger at 23:59:01 on Saturday
Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble reports:
Bravely died in Kathy's arms. See above. Pah.

Rubber band guns. Love 'em.
Tigger reports:
I don't think it was that bravely, it was more cowering behind Kathy, which shortly was reduced to a corpse, then insult to injury he shot me.
I'll give him credit for finding us though.

Current system status

A little while ago I drew up a list of changes to make to the software. This was:
1. Change suicide scoring method.
2. Allow the database to be rebuilt from the log file. This is important.
3. Update the kill report system so that failed kills can be reported. This requires (2).
4. Fix the pseudonym handling - ie make it completely dynamic - much more logical. This requires (2).
5. Fix up the suicides of Marek, Tom, and Flibble. This requires (3).

Of these, (1) was completed very quickly, and Marek is temporarily at the bottom of the stats. Don't worry - this will change as soon as (5) is done.
(2) has also now been done, which opens up (3) and (4) to be done next.

This should be done some time in the near future. Right now I'm going to catch up on the sleep I haven't had since Friday morning.
- Umpire.

Comrade wes killed agent aardvark at 10:00:40 on Sunday
Comrade wes reports:
They came to conquer fortress Thompson's Lane. All I can say is, they failed. Shots from each and every angle, only one major casualty for the "home boyz". Typically poor entry, the use of "crap assasins, can you let us in please?" was heard over the intercom system. Agent Aardvark is no more (well, at least for the next four hours!)
agent aardvark reports:
Following plan 9 we decided to use counter intelligence to enter the lair of the vicious group known as the 'comrades'. Upon telling them who we were and asking if we could come in i charged around like a fool, finaly found the bad guys and valiently charged into their hail of fire.

Next time I will do better, I promise.

The Teal Ostrich killed Comrade wes at 10:00:48 on Sunday
The Teal Ostrich reports:

We came, we got wet, I took someone from behind, I died.

"You have been assasinated by The Teal Ostrich. Thank you for your co-operation...."

Kien killed The Sphinx at 10:00:51 on Sunday
The Sphinx reports:
Having bluffed my way incompetently into the Comrades' fortress, I took cover behind the corpse of the Teal Ostrich and rteturned the fire of Kien... Unfortunately, I was struck by a ricochet before any of my shots landed.

The curse of the Sphinx is upon you, Kien. But not much since you did lend me a towel...

Kien killed The Weasel at 10:00:54 on Sunday
Kien reports:
They came
they saw
we conquered

or was it
they saw
we conquered
we came???!!!!!

Kien killed The Teal Ostrich at 10:00:55 on Sunday
Kien reports:
I was just powdering my nose
Then got out
heard squeak squeak in the next
dive into my room
and shot 'em dead!!!!!
The Teal Ostrich reports:
I came, I saw, I got wet.

"You have assasinated The Teal Ostrich. Thank you for your co-operation..."

Unicorn killed Tigger at 10:20:09 on Sunday
Unicorn reports:
It was tragic really.

He refused to organise breakfast in bed.
Tigger reports: she made some toast.
That'll teach me to have my mind on other things while I am in bed!!

The Hobbit mashed a non-player at 12:45:00 on Sunday
The Hobbit reports:
We were at Fitz to... well... mash Fitz. Having only arrived yesterday evening I was eager to make my presence felt, and thought that being involved in a high profile killing was perhaps the best approach.
While one of my accomplices searched one wing of their fortress, I was stood not far away to provide cover, and I was startled by the sudden emergence of someone from the same doorway he had entered a few moments before. In a sudden reflex response, I aimed a single shot of my rather powerful, automatic weapon, and disposed of the threat.
Alas! She appears to have been unarmed, and so I suppose I must express my deepest regrets to her family (or I would if there was enough of her left to confirm her identity). However, such casualties, while unfornunate, are inevitable in war.
Archaeonecros reports:
Only by the careless.

The Hobbit tried to kill Tigger at 12:54:34 on Sunday
The Hobbit reports:
Afterwards we headed for F staircase to try again. What ensued was a highly enjoyable gun battle between the DT mafia and The Fitz.
Under covering fire from the BOFH, I managed to get a position at the bottom of the staircase, and in a display of precision movement which surprised even myself, I managed to remove Tim Pike from my targets list.

Or so I thought.

Now I know that he "had forgotten he was dead". Grrrrrrrr.

"Where is Gandalf?" asked Bilbo, moving off to find something to eat as quick as he could.

BOFH killed Unicorn at 12:55:00 on Sunday
BOFH reports:
Teehee. Fitz. Nice friendly place. Pretty scenic too. Has these nice staircases which are very tricky to infiltrate and storm if they're being guarded by heavy weaponry...
Anyway, I paid a visit to Middle and Top B, to sort out some "unfinished business" (yes, Emma, I'm coming to get you!). Sadly the rooms were empty. So I left B.
I was heading from B towards F, my next port of call, when I spotted two unfortunate individuals amongst a crowd of innocents at the bottom of F staircase. Oh joy, oh yea! The trio of psycho's ran towards the hapless couple.
They spotted us and ran into F staircase, bringing 2 CPS-1000's from the top floor. From there they proceeded to rain down a fairly constant stream of fire which I had great difficulty dodging. The shots were very well aimed from a very strong defensive place. However, they didn't bargain on the Hobbit's ultra-sneaky-cunning-i'm-gonna-kill-you tactical move.
I provided cover fire as the Hobbit ran into bottom F. From there, he was perfectly positioned to snipe upwards at the unsuspecting gunpeople (let's be politically correct =).
A cry came from above!
"Aaaah you fornicating illegitimate child!" cried Tigger, and proceeded down the stairs, a neat hole (or more) blown in his torso. He came down bearing a CPS-1000 and graciously accepted the kill.
Good, there was only one left. I proceeded to let rip with gratuitous use of the 20x nozzle on "Mommy?". A similar cry was soon heard and The Unicorn squelched down the stairs.
The DT mafia left swiftly having pretty much demolished F staircase. Or at least given it a jolly good washing down.

A brilliant exciting fight was had by all, only marred by the fact that Tigger was actually dead when he was participating in the gun battle. In fact, he had been dead for a couple of hours. Not that he cared to mention it at the time, or refrain from opening fire. We only found posthumously, when trying to file his kill report.
Archaeonecros reports:
Tsk, such small prey...
It turns out that Tim had reported his death at 11:45, before the invaders - um - invaded. Goodness knows why he didn't state he was dead at the time. - Umpire.

Archaeonecros killed Madelaine, the PFY at 14:15:00 on Sunday
Archaeonecros reports:
On my way out of Sainsbury's I passed Madelaine, the PFY.

*for this trick, I shall be required to turn into... a XENOMORPH!*

So I did.

I then followed the PFY in my nice new black and shiny carapaced body, and proceeded to rip out Madelaine's heart through her back with my tongue.

The Hobbit killed Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble at 16:17:00 on Sunday
The Hobbit reports:
Upon the BOFH leaving the room, Friendly UNCLE Teatime announced that he was going to "do in" the BOFH. I muttered stuff, as the BOFH was fetching me a glass of Orange juice at the time, and when Friendly UNCLE Teatime drew on the BOFH, I shot him in the back.
I then foolishly acccccepted a refreshment from the thankful BOFH, only to discoover that I had been BETRAYED.

Beware BOFH - Bilbo Baggins is more than meets the eye. He will be back.

BOFH killed The Hobbit at 16:17:00 on Sunday
BOFH reports:
Heh. Made a nice glass of OJ for my friend from Hobbiton.
Not quite sure how the tabasco slipped in *Oopsy*

Got Shot by the UNCLE as I stepped into the room though - (*^)^^(^&(*^^&(^(
Still, as I had made the OJ up already, Mister BB died from a due to his Hobbitlike passion for consuming edibles.
Most unfortunate. Hobbits really should check their consumables first, especially with people around you really shouldn't trust. - Umpire.

Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble killed BOFH at 16:17:00 on Sunday
Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble reports:
The BOFH was wondering whether he ought to kill one of us as a leaving present, but he made the mistake of leaving the room (for reasons which became apparent). Upon return he was shot by me.

Unfortunately, I was then shot summarily in the back by The Hobbit for being nasty. Hah - what happened then was truly ironic. Little did the hobbit know that I had nearly saved his life.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Rubber band guns - well Its nice to be on the delivering end, but to be on the receiving end so soon afterwards was a bit sad :(

Friendly Bob killed Vole, of the New England Voles at 16:50:00 on Sunday
Friendly Bob reports:
Voles are an endangered species, aren't they? If they're not, they certainly should be. I've done my bit to ensure their extinction.
Friendly Bob reports:
Actually, that should be 4:50.

I have fixed the time of death. - Umpire.

Lynnette Dray killed Fish at 17:05:00 on Sunday
Lynnette Dray reports:
But I thought fish liked water... :)

Potato killed Kelpie at 17:10:33 on Sunday
Kelpie reports:
I came to my room. I got shot by two people whom I don't know (but there isn't a don't know option in the kill report form) and Overkill Ed was hanging around as well.
So I get an evening of non-paranoia, which is nice, seeing as people are coming round :-)
Looking at the rules, it actually states that the kill does not count unless the victim knows who has done the killing. Ed, if you tell me who those people were and which one did the killing, I will allow the kill to be transferred to that person. Otherwise, I will invalidate the kill.

I can't allow Overkill to be credited for a kill he didn't make, especially since he has made so many kills anyway.
- Umpire.
Potato reports:
Tried the Kelpie's door, which was sadly locked. I was so upset by this that I brutally gunned down the first person who entered the staircase with my Arrowstorm - which, by some immenese fluke, was Morag herself. Which was nice. :)

The Magdalene Mafia
Fixed. Potato is now credited with the kill - Umpire.

Lynnette Dray did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 19:20:54 on Sunday
Lynnette Dray reports:
This guy had a cps-1000 with him and was riding a bike down Thompsons' lane. Lynnette shot him viciously. He was not playing however...

The Lemming
That's a legal kill. Take note all - non-players bearing weapons are legal targets. Cameras are not weapons. - Umpire.

Lynnette Dray killed Unicorn at 19:50:15 on Sunday
Unicorn reports:
Returning from a merrry day of sitting by the river with Tigger, I saw that selfsame individual running towards me. Working on the principle of "split up and hide" which has prevented 50% of deaths, we legged it in different directions. Unfortunately, I was in the wrong 50 percent.
Tigger reports:
Well I saw the glint that can only come off the back of a gnu.
Maybe if they painted it matt black I maight not be writing this now.
Lynnette Dray reports:
The Unicorn was speedy despite being too full of cocktails. My bomb bounced off her back, but the cps-100 doesn't miss...
the Lemming

Lynnette Dray killed Blue at 20:05:46 on Sunday
Lynnette Dray reports:
charlie was gunned down in cold blood by the Lemming. I trust his jumper was a good adsorber of water, as it soaked up 30 rounds...

Archaeonecros killed Friendly Bob at 20:20:00 on Sunday
Friendly Bob reports:
I had a 1000. He had a 1000. The wind was in his favour.

Were I religious, I would e'en now be cursing whichever deity I chose.
Archaeonecros reports:
"Hmmm..." I thought, "three assassins looking suspect in Trinity Great Court... what *shall* I do?"

Then, in a flash of inspiration, it hit me! Charge them with a CPS-1000 and see how long I'd last!

So I ran up to them... Friendly Bob also had a 1000 but proved to be too incompetent in its use to kill me before I killed him... Overkill and Potato were waiting out of range...

Archaeonecros killed Lynnette Dray at 20:23:00 on Sunday
Archaeonecros reports:
I shot a bit at Potato and Overkill, but the porters told us to take it outside. So we did, much to the amusement of the innocent bystanders (and me in dressing-gown... tsk).

After much dodging of waterbombs and bouncing thingies, I blew Overkill's head off across a civilian vehicle...

...Potato started running.

Lynnette Dray reports:
Archaeonecros is a good fighter. He dodged seven grenades and overpowered me. I was shot in the head and left leg during a very violent exchange.
Go that man! Well done - Overkill was doing far too well. Correction - still is doing far too well.

Very impressive I must say, especially including the other two kills.
- Umpire.

Archaeonecros killed Potato at 20:25:00 on Sunday
Potato reports:
Life is very unfair. He had a 1000. I had a very small water pistol which has a range of about 3 cm.

Archaeonecros reports:
But Potato only had a piddly waterpistol so I mashed her quite convincingly, accompanied by a *very* rude word from the victim :)

Alex Cairns killed misfire at 22:07:00 on Sunday
Alex Cairns reports:
As soon as the meeting of the Sheila and her Dog society was closed, I decided to end misfire's life my inserting my claw into him. It must have been a slow, lingering and painful death - I decided I would repeatedly stab him so that as much blood as possible would ooze out of him (though careful not to hit any major arteries, for that might have sprayed blood over my face and ruined my make-up). Ooh yes, that's a good way to die.
Archaeonecros reports:
You're just a big loud goth, you...

Blue killed Archaeonecros at 00:06:05 on Monday
Blue reports:
I resurrected. Then sprayed poison in Tom's face.
Archaeonecros reports:
While happily playing with some felt tip pens, like the kid I am at heart, Blue charged in and sprayed me with neurotoxin. My last words for *this* life as I lay choking on the floor were,

"You're so mean! I'm going to tell my mum on you!"

Louise Rutter killed Blue at 00:24:00 on Monday
Louise Rutter reports:
perfect timingf with a giraffe for a cosh, then a knife.
Because Blue killed Tom treacherously, taking that p[leasure away from me...
Blue reports:
I was coshed. Then stabbed. I'm convinced that the coshing did not require my glasses to be bent.
Archaeonecros reports:
Split-second timing... impressive, although the all-out giraffe attack *was* a little over-zealous...

Louise Rutter killed Alex Cairns at 00:25:00 on Monday
Louise Rutter reports:
and then wasted his mate, a fellow alex cairns impersonator, who was sitting in an adjacent kitchen


Comrade elf killed Maxwell Edison at 11:13:24 on Monday
Comrade elf reports:

Hologram killed Toby at 12:02:00 on Monday
Hologram reports:
I was kindly introduced to "Toby" by a friendly non-player. I brutally stabbed him in the heart after offering him a gelatinous confection - the conversation went something like "Help yourself to a jellybaby... oh, and help yourself to eternal oblivion as well. Or at least, 4 hours' oblivion."

Toby took his death remarkably well, it seemed, with the only show of displeasure an ominous look over my shoulder to my informant, with the words "I'll catch up with /you/ later..."

Potato killed Snortpig at 13:03:00 on Monday
Potato reports:
I decided to go and get some lunch. When I got to the porters lodge, there was Snortpig reading her mail and entirely oblivious to my presence. I shot her viciously with a samll water pistol and ran away cackling evilly....

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha....... :-)

Tigger killed Unicorn at 13:03:28 on Monday
Tigger reports:
well with so much water around I felt inspired. I coshed Unicorn over the head with a paddle before pushing her face down into the Cam. Pretty simple really.

Owwww Arrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh
I suppose she is going to call that revenge.
Unicorn reports:
As my stunned body headed towards the water, I at least clung onto his body, dragging it into the Cam with me. Unfortunately, whilst my bloated corpse headed for the open sea, tigger was able to swim towards the bank. Doh!!
Tigger reports:
I should like to claim the wettest kill of the game

It involved total immersion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*snigger snigger*
I have a strange feeling you might win that one.


No wonder Unicorn wreaked revenge though.

Sorry Tim, I just had to copy that email into the news page. Anyone wishing to challenge Tim for the wettest kill in the game is requested to seek psychiatric assistance.
- Umpire.

Blue killed Archaeonecros at 13:30:00 on Monday
Blue reports:
shot him. too easy really.

Archaeonecros reports:
I am way, way too trusting.

"Are there any murderers about?" I ask Blue's flatmate.

"Charlie's about somewhere," replies Misfire.

Walk into BBC kitchen.


Oh, I'm dead.


Why is he still shooting at me?


Ah, I see...


Athos killed Miss Marple at 14:03:50 on Monday
Athos reports:
Miss Marple, star of the excellent "Can anyone drive this thing" show (5pm ADC til Sat) was killed by Athos, star of Three Musketeers John's Gardens 4pm Thursday and friday. It is thought that the murder was due to thespy rivalry, which is trtagic sinced both shows are excellent

Louise Rutter killed Harland Quinn at 15:45:27 on Monday
Harland Quinn reports:
I went to visit Friendly Bob,
With whom I had a pact,
On the way I saw the Puma,
On whom I did not act.

So feeling rather virtuous,
I went along my way,
Until I saw Louise Rutter,
Along on Christ's Piece way.

I wouldn't have acted, Had she not first,
But she drew and I ran,
I shouted out in taunting jest,
"Yeah kill me if you can!"

I jumped a wall and fumbled around,
For the semi-A in my bag,
But it seemed my shopping had covered it,
So then my smile did sag.

Louise threw a ball at me,
But I dodged out the way,
So she shot me with her CPS,
And for my bad rhymes I did pay.

And so I lie in silent rhyme,
Until I ressurect,
Be warned I have some morphine now,
Into Rutter I will inject.

Love and Hugs and Smiles and Kisses,

Harley Quinn
Louise Rutter reports:
I wanted a rest and a cold drink, so I went far, far away. It was upsetting therefore to find an enemy agent this far out of town, therefore I gunned him down.
Today may have been dull killwise but there was a tense holdoff in Newnham between the Pink-pistolled Sphynx and a gun-toting maniac I may or may not be associated with...

My, what a quiet day it has been.

I have now added a new web page for you to look at - it is a compacted version of the statistics page (thanks to Archaeonecros and Harland Quinn for the suggestion). The main problem with it is that the kill counts don't link to the news page like the full stats page does. However, it may be a lot easier to read on some computers.

The page is linked here.
- Umpire.

Unicorn killed Tigger at 17:28:28 on Monday
Tigger reports:
Guess that was revenge of a sort. Just been toasted.
Unicorn reports:
Whilst tigger tapped away at the keyboard, reporting my death, I felt that he should have to report his own as well.


Arnold Schledgehammerzareforwalnutzsnigger killed Ominous Pseudonym at 18:00:45 on Monday
Arnold Schledgehammerzareforwalnutzsnigger reports:
the umpire said we were inactive. so i spent 5 minutes walking into pembroke and filling O.P's chest with green shrapnel.

Comrade wes killed misfire at 18:45:02 on Monday
Comrade wes reports:
Opportunists taking their opportunities. Disguised as Japanese tourist carrying a fridge outside the front gate of kings we pounced. A stunned misfire took first blows to the knee, crippling him, and then several to the head. Once again our comrades had served well, they will surely be honoured...... They seek prime targets who refrain from hiding in their rooms scared, or simply claiming "well, I'm trying to lose anyway!!!" C'mon........

The Hobbit killed Unicorn at 19:50:00 on Monday
The Hobbit reports:
There was the usual dim grey light of the forest-day about him when he came to his senses. The Unicorn lay dead beside him, and his sword-blade was stained red. Somehow the killing of the giant Unicorn, all alone by himself in the dark without the help of the wizard or the dwarves or of anyone else, made a great difference to Mr. Baggins. He felt a different person, and much fiercer and bolder in spite of an empty stomach, as he wiped his sword on the grass and put it back into its sheath.
"I will give you a name," he said to it, "and I shall call you Sting."
After that he set out to explore.

The Hobbit killed Harland Quinn at 20:49:56 on Monday
The Hobbit reports:
There was a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", I called.
"I've come to kill you," came the reply.
So I opened the door and shot him.
Harland Quinn reports:
I knocked on his door,
And now I'm dead.
I'm running out of rhymes,
They hurt my head.

Huggles from

Harley Quinn

P.S. How many elephants can you fit in a mini?

Arnold Schledgehammerzareforwalnutzsnigger killed The Monk at 21:00:45 on Monday
Arnold Schledgehammerzareforwalnutzsnigger reports:
being very evil i combined my study period in caius library with the surveilance of the queue below into clare ball. Therefore Sebastian found a knife in his chest. His friends thought that my serious technical statement about this years' may ball rules was hysterically funny

(I'll be Beethoven...) :)

Harland Quinn killed Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble at 00:50:00 on Tuesday
Harland Quinn reports:
You can fit 4 elephants i a mini!
2 in the back, and 2 in the front.

How can you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge?

Harland Quinn killed The Hobbit at 00:50:00 on Tuesday
Harland Quinn reports:
On my return from the other place,
I sat up and looked around,
I saw my killer and Flibble and Co.
I sat, I pondered, I frowned.

I took my knife I took my gun,
In silent rhyming stealth,
I threw and shot and killed them both,
Then gathered all they're wealth.

So Hobbit lay with a knife in his back,
While Flibble with bullet in brain,
Said, "Oh am I dead?", So I replied "Yes!"
"I'll get you!" came the refrain.

Huggles from

Harley Quinn

BOFH killed Conqueror at 02:02:00 on Tuesday
BOFH reports:
I went to the Fetish Show in Clare Cellars expecting to find The Nyth in attendence. I guess he saw me coming, but the Conquerer didn't, because he acquired a rather messy, blade shaped hole in his body.
<evil grin>

The BOFH is an the loose, so The Artist Formerly Known As Overkill can expect a visit...

BOFH killed Tigger at 02:39:33 on Tuesday
BOFH reports:
Clare May Ball kill number two:
Saw Tigger and Unicorn in comedy show.
Shot Tigger in the torso.
He's dead.

Rubberband guns are excellent!
BOFH reports:
Number three:
Shot Unicorn in the neck as well.

Now time to get hammered...

BOFH killed Unicorn at 02:39:45 on Tuesday
BOFH reports:
I suppose I really ought to have reported that as a separate kill.
Never mind...

Unicorn killed BOFH at 06:42:00 on Tuesday
BOFH reports:
Rubberband in head.
I imagine that's some form of payback.

I will return - after I get some sleep...

Unicorn reports:
Knowing I had just minutes before I resurrected, the BOFH and I looked warily at each other. I got a head shot in first..

Arnold Schledgehammerzareforwalnutzsnigger killed Vole, of the New England Voles at 09:32:56 on Tuesday
Arnold Schledgehammerzareforwalnutzsnigger reports:
The hibernating vole
was shot near his hole
in the Emma riverbank
by an anti-tank
gun by the early patrol

I am Archdaemon Lanzdael
from the depths of hell
The vast horned might
of the Wolfson at night,
the reincarnation of Azrael

The Archdaemon Lanzdael
Ed, are you trying to be misleading, or are you trying to be misleading? - Umpire.

Unicorn killed The Hobbit at 09:40:00 on Tuesday
The Hobbit reports:

I was armed. I saw Unicorn approaching. She was accompanied by the BOFH.
"She must be dead," I reasoned. And I put my gun away.

The morals of the story:
1) When the Umpire's news system is broken, shoot first, ask questions later.
2) Never turn your back on an assassin.
3) Never rely on another assassin to do your work for you. They may be incompetant.
Indeed. Three valid points.

The automatic report system now works, I think. The problem was caused by me not realising that Java limits strings to 64kBytes in length. So when the news page cache became longer than that it failed. I now have a string for each day of reporting, so hopefully this won't be a problem any more. However, you will find it quite possible to break the system by submitting a very long report (like 64k). Please don't - I'll only edit it out again.

Apologies to everyone for the downtime. It should all work again now.
- Umpire.

Emarkienna killed Madelaine, the PFY at 09:50:00 on Tuesday
Emarkienna reports:
I decided to get up today at an ungodly hour to do a bit of killing. Whilst wondering through Tit Hall, I see the easily identifiable Mr Amery. I tail him out of college, before whipping out my knife, and stabbing him in the back.

The Chequered Llama killed misfire at 11:15:03 on Tuesday
The Chequered Llama reports:
A decisive swoop'n'stab was made after a tense stare-down with Misfire
in the Q-club - my disguse fooled and probably scared him (he was
drunk, I was Alex from A Clockwork Orange) and he went off to the
dance floor. Followed by my knife in his chest...

"You have been assassinated by the Chequered Llama. Thank you for your

Potato killed Snortpig at 12:15:00 on Tuesday
Potato reports:
Shot Snortpig as she was returning to college.

That's the second time I've got her in 24 hours. :-)

Pope Innocent XIV killed Harland Quinn at 12:15:00 on Tuesday
Pope Innocent XIV reports:
Mr Quinn told a friend he'd already died three times this game. I informed him that he was in error, having just been shot for the fourth time.

Innocent XIV Pont. Max.
Harland Quinn reports:
I was feeling rather amicable,
And pacifistic as before,
I'd neglected to kill the Hobbit,
although open was the door.

Then was friendly, polite, and stuff,
To Piping and Hologram,
And walked straight on past Puma,
And neither of us Ran.

Then I walked up to the Patrician,
And greeted him as you do,
When the Pope withdrew his pistol,
And my head found a bullet was through.

Love from

Harley Quinn

P.S. There are footprints in the butter.

P.P.S. How can you tell if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?

Puma tried to kill Friendly Bob at 12:45:00 on Tuesday
Puma reports:
At the Jesus CU barbeque, Friendly Bob decided to out in an appearance. He leapt out from behind a tree and put several shots through the back of Pope Innocent, who was attending to the barbeque.
Friendly Bob had been informed of the pontiff's presence by the ghost of Harley Quinn who had been present earlier and dispatched vy the pontiff. Sadly for Friendly Bob, he expended all his ammo on Pope Innocent before he was aware of the presence of the Puma.
Sadly for the Puma, it was deemed that the barbeque was an official society meeting, and so the two big holes in Friendly Bob's chest counted for nothing...

Emarkienna killed The Nyth at 13:00:00 on Tuesday
Emarkienna reports:
Though I felt bad to do so, I interrupted my dinner so that I might insert a knife into the back of The Nyth.

Tigger mashed a non-player at 13:25:20 on Tuesday
Tigger reports:
That'll teach him to sell information of my whereabouts to people with gnus. In fact he didn't even sell it he just told them. You'd think he wanted me dead. Ho Hum.
Mr Norris don't do that again. Next time it'll be wetter.

Tigger killed Archaeonecros at 15:20:20 on Tuesday
Tigger reports:
Well I was weaving away from a garden party. Pimms is gooooooooood. Saw Mr Lansdale somehow shot him, he may be able to figure it out better than me.
Tigger reports:
Small point but I also saw My Harman on the way out. We didn't know who got who and I was n no fit state to duel (I doubt I could spell it, so we both live)
Tim in one of his more usual states of awareness I see. - Umpire.

Current system status:

This is the list of things to do I drew up:
1. Change the scoring method
2. Allow the database to be recreated from the log
3. Allow failed kill reports
4. Make pseudonyms fully dynamic
5. Fail some of those suicides
6. Allow legal killings of non-players to credit you rather than be to your disadvantage.

Of these, (1), (2), and (4) have been done. Pseudonyms are now fully dynamic - if you enter a kill report, and then change your pseudonym for before that kill happened, the new pseudonym will appear correctly in the kill report.

(3) will be done real soon now, I promise. Probably the next thing I will do is (6), because it ties in really well with (4), so I have done most of it already.

Only one legal kill has been made so far in this game - mentioning no names, Overkill. Well done.
- Umpire.

Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble killed Harland Quinn at 18:06:05 on Tuesday
Harland Quinn reports:
So having eaten lunch whilst dead in Jesus,
I proceeded as before,
To spend the afternoon with assassins,
Bob, Fish, Kelpie and more.

I returned then forthwith to my lodgings,
In the Finest Staircase in Clare,
Where I happened upon a gunfight,
In which Teatime had most of the flare.

I sat hidden up in the library,
And shot through into BOFH's lair.
But Teatime crept up round the corner,
And shot me so I died right there!

Yours, in a friendly kind of way,

Harley Quinn

P.S. You can here them whispering!

P.P.S. How can you tell if there are 3 elephants in the fridge?

We now have legal innocent kills. To report a legal kill, use the "Non-player (Legal Kill)" as the victim. You will be credited for your actions.

So far, the only legal kill has been Lynnette Dray (J Doe), here.
- Umpire.

Puma killed Fred at 20:30:00 on Tuesday
Puma reports:
Fred was waiting suspisciously outside my house. So I shot him. I missed and didn't kill him, I got him in the arm. Since he tried to shoot me with a gun held in that arm, we decided that the kill wasn't valid. So I stabbed him in the chest instead.

Vladimir Shothisheadkleenoff killed forester at 21:29:35 on Tuesday
Vladimir Shothisheadkleenoff reports:
"your kontract haz expired"

The Archdaemon Lanzdael

Comrade elf killed Kien at 21:30:38 on Tuesday
Comrade elf reports:

Comrade elf killed Comrade Tonic at 21:31:38 on Tuesday
Comrade elf reports:
Betrayed my friends.....

Comrade elf killed Comrade X at 21:32:46 on Tuesday
Comrade elf reports:
Betrayed my friends.....

Vladimir Shothisheadkleenoff killed Maxwell Edison at 22:05:57 on Tuesday
Vladimir Shothisheadkleenoff reports:
manual email trap revealed Maxwell vas in Newnham
in immediate vicinity of Lydia Lobo.
Goot, Vladimir seen photos of ze players.
Vladimir know konztruktion vork in Newnham
Vladimir vaste Maxvell vid cgb-23 poison gaz, zen inqvire if he had a kold. Just in kase, Vladimir stab Maxvell.
but vere ees Lydia.
Vladimir vorry, so Vladimir leave so zat Lydia not jump Vladimir

Vladimir Shothisheadkleenoff killed Snortpig at 22:07:57 on Tuesday
Vladimir Shothisheadkleenoff reports:
vladimir valk avay slowly. All he do is listen, for he haz konfidenze in hiz kalashnikoff.
Vladimir hears running.
so Vladivar turn, Vladivar vaste brave Lydia.

Zat vas it.



Comrade elf killed The Emperor at 22:10:38 on Tuesday
Comrade elf reports:
His ownfriend led him into a trap......

Archaeonecros killed *Red, Black, White and Unspecified* at 22:45:00 on Tuesday
Archaeonecros reports:
Saw Emma on the dance floor of the Q-club... she saw me, and tried to hug me. Unfortuantely, she forgot I was a xenomorph and I ripped her face off.

The Chequered Llama killed Archaeonecros at 23:00:34 on Tuesday
The Chequered Llama reports:
In disguise as Alex from the film A Clockwork Orange, I stalked my
prey - *Red, Black, White and Unspecified* at the Q-club. Upon finding
her I discovered she had just been killed by Archaenoceros. I proceeded
tochase, corner and stab him. His mates Misfire and Blue showed up.
They didn't last long either. "No-one can see through my disguise!!!!!"
- My motto for the everning proved quite accurate...

"You have been assassinated by the Chequered Llama. Thank you for your
Archaeonecros reports:
Some nutter in a top hat charges up, stabbing Emma after *I've* just done it...

"I'm dead."
"Who killed you?"
"He did."
"OK, I'll kill *him* then."

The Chequered Llama then proceeds to chase me up the stairs while I fumble for a weapon. I take a feeble stab at her with my xenomorph tongue but it all goes hideously wrong and I die.

The Chequered Llama killed Blue at 23:15:35 on Tuesday
The Chequered Llama reports:
After being informed by his colleagues that the Alex look-a-like at
the Q-club was an assassin, Blue thought he'd come up for a chat
unarmed. Knife in the chest first, then a chat I say...

"You have been assassinated by the Chequered Llama. Thank you for your

Kelpie killed Fred at 00:33:00 on Wednesday
Fred reports:
Ooops I'm dead, said Fred.
Hologram reports:
Turning up in Christ's College after a dinner party at which a couple of people had already been murdered (but all in the name of a good whodunnit...), I heard of "Fred"'s death, in the words "He died three hours and fifty-seven minutes ago. He may be reappearing soon!"

A disturbance was noted at the foot of the staircase, where a porter discovered a bloke hiding in the Ladies'. This turned out to be a zombie Fred, who denied being killed by a water jet from a piece of Lead Piping on the grounds that he "still had 30 seconds left." The company assembled assumed that he had fled, until an involved non-player spotted him hanging around through the window...

I decided to take the risk, and left the safety of sheer numbers to venture out after this foolhardy lone soldier. Unfortunately, wanting to take the imediate opportunity, I ventured out armed only with the weaponry in hand - three shurikens.

Spotting Fred through the open Christ's main gateway, I retreated inside college; my assailant followed brandishing a cap-gun, and we exchanged fire. Exactly what happened after that was a bit of a blur...

We later figured out that his cap-gun shot was out of range (by about a metre), but since my ninja throwing-star had sliced his gun arm off (but no more) this had no effect. However, these considerations were fairly academic given that assorted assassins had immediately run past me, these including --

*sounds of Hologram being elbowed away from typing range*
Oi, gerroff, it's my computer it's my keyboard it's my kill, I'm typing this bit!
Kelpie reports:
OK, now /I/ have control.....
At about half past midnight, the Umpire vanished from the room from where we'd been plott- uh, I mean conversing. I wanted fun - I have had no kills so far - so I followed down the stairs to Christ's Great Gate. I saw Hologram running towards the small wooden gate and naturally followed, drawing my lightsabre. Outside, a heated argument was going on, but I wasted no time in trying to understand subtleties (wouldn't have made any difference at 12:30 am anyway) and I went straight for Fred. The porters came out at the sound of the characteristic crackle-hum of a lightsabre activating but it was too late for Fred. One mighty swing of the red blade had removed his head.

Fred was very annoyed to have been killed by the same lightsabre twice. At least it was my hands on the hilt this time....

Vladimir Shothisheadkleenoff killed Emarkienna at 01:05:46 on Wednesday
Vladimir Shothisheadkleenoff reports:
he burst in like a maniac, with poison lipstick on. Therefore I burnt him to death

Lanzdael, in Wolfson

At 1:00 pm on Wednesday (24 hours before the end of the game), the time of death will reduce from 4 hours to 2 hours. This means you only stay dead for 2 hours.

At 10:00 am on Thursday (3 hours before the end of the game), the time of death will reduce again, to one hour.

This should make the end of the game slightly more interesting.
- Umpire.

Archaeonecros killed misfire at 04:30:00 on Wednesday
Archaeonecros reports:
Got fed up with misfire sleeping on my bed.

So I dropped a grand piano on him.

Comrade elf killed Comrade X at 11:07:50 on Wednesday
Comrade elf reports:
Betrayed my friend.....

Comrade elf killed Comrade wes at 11:11:49 on Wednesday
Comrade elf reports:
Betrayed my friend.....

Comrade elf killed Comrade Tonic at 11:11:50 on Wednesday
Comrade elf reports:
Betrayed my friend.....

The game will end at 1:00 pm on Thursday. However, the computer will accept kill reports until early Friday morning, when I will stop it and transfer the news and stats pages to the college student webserver.

So, you will have time to report those last-minute kills. Do not however leave reporting until Friday, as I may switch the system off at any time on Friday.
- Umpire.

The time of death is now two hours, instead of four hours, as of Wednesday, 1:00 pm. Have fun. - Umpire.

Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble killed *Red, Black, White and Unspecified* at 14:37:00 on Wednesday
Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble reports:
Saw Madamoselle Bennet walking in Kings parade.
Shot her for the 3rd time this game - and this time she was alive.

Rubber band guns for repeated scragging - can't beat 'em.

Sorry Emma - Now I've actually killed you I'll leave you alone.

The Hobbit did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 16:01:30 on Wednesday
The Hobbit reports:
"Here, hold this...", said Harland Quinn, handing The UNCLE's little brother a CPS-1500.

Sorry, I couldn't resist...

Fred killed SWAT Zero at 16:15:58 on Wednesday
SWAT Zero reports:
Walking out of college with some pleasant (female) company, I spotted Fred on the other side of the court... not being armed, and busy as I was, I decided I'd save him the trouble of hunting me and just walked up to him and offered him an easy kill. He then proceeded to shoot me, and I proceeded to enjoy the most out of the next four hours...
Actually, like I have emailed *and* posted on this news page, the death time is now TWO hours. And at 10:00 tomorrow morning it will change to one hour. - Umpire.

Comrade elf killed Archaeonecros at 16:45:00 on Wednesday
Comrade elf reports:

misfire killed Comrade elf at 16:47:00 on Wednesday
misfire reports:
i shot comrade elf. with a gun. with his gun, to be precise..

Tigger did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 18:42:18 on Wednesday
Tigger reports:
Well I said the next time he tried to get me killed it would be wetter. I lent over, picked up "My Precious" and pointed. He realised his impending doom and picked up a gnu himself. So he made it a legal kill. Unfortunately despite his death he proceded to discharge. I don't think Dave is too impressed with the amount of water in the bathroom judging from his mutterings.

Comrade elf killed Comrade wes at 18:47:00 on Wednesday
Comrade elf reports:

Comrade elf killed Kamikaze at 19:01:46 on Wednesday
Comrade elf reports:

Potato killed The Sphinx at 19:06:00 on Wednesday
Potato reports:
Was walking along in the garden when I spotted the Sphinx. So I shot her.
She ran off. I ran off. I cackled evilly..........

Vladimir Shothisheadkleenoff killed forester at 20:30:55 on Wednesday
Vladimir Shothisheadkleenoff reports:
Ben had a double base on his back.
Overkill performed a textbook kill of a player bearing an instrument
by gently stabbing him within his 45 degree forward vision sector as gently as possible.
| trust that WAS a double base, Ben...


Vladimir Shothisheadkleenoff killed The Emperor at 20:35:55 on Wednesday
Vladimir Shothisheadkleenoff reports:
OK. I get out of my room and discover Elf has wasted 12 people.
this is why I went on my own mad killing spree. With Ben the Base dead, I then decided to waste the Emperor Piano concerto as well, so I went to B 2 then . *subtlepun*
The first movement was sufficient: Green Shrapnel
Dewire and Turner weren't in. However...

Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble killed The Nyth at 21:00:00 on Wednesday
Friendly UNCLE Teatime goes Flibble reports:
Saw the Nyth wandering about outside Tit hall.
Shot him.

Rubber band gun in case you hadn't guessed

Vladimir Shothisheadkleenoff killed misfire at 21:00:55 on Wednesday
Vladimir Shothisheadkleenoff reports:
George Savva WAS in (Tom, Charlie and Emark all being dead -I did make sure by killing them too)
George died by means of my Eagle-Eye dartgun
and lent me a pen to write "you're dead" on any drunken players I could find. I then figured out that I should invade Magdalene, but they were all out. This put me in a bad mood, therefore...

Alison Farmer killed Madelaine, the PFY at 22:00:25 on Wednesday
Alison Farmer reports:
She was recognised because of her beard.
I then blew off his torso with a missile-launcher

Puma mashed a non-player at 22:15:00 on Wednesday
Puma reports:
I overtook the PFY walking down Sidney Street on my bike. So I got off and hid behind some building works, and shot him when he appeared. Sadly, I also shot his companion who wasn't in the game. Even more sadly, PFY was already dead. He showed me the wet patch on his shirt. I got worried. He told me Ed Overkill had done it two minutes previously. I got very very worried. So I may have killed some more innocents by running over random pedestrians as I cycled off, but if I did I was going too fast to notice...

Alison Farmer killed Ominous Pseudonym at 22:23:00 on Wednesday
Ominous Pseudonym reports:
Funnily enough, while quietly watching 'Goldfinger' I was hit by a poison dart. A razor tipped hat would have been even more ironic, but it's an imperfect universe.
Alison Farmer reports:
Thomas was watching TV.
I preferred to watch him being blown up

Alison Farmer

Vladimir Shothishedkleenoff killed Hologram at 23:59:59 on Wednesday
Hologram reports:
I was sitting watching Esca (see below). None of us had bothered locking the door. We paid for this. I paid first. You can guess the rest *sigh* *grin*

(For those who haven't noticed the way this game's gone: Overkill flung the door open and shot at me... On this occasion it was with some vaguely space-age-looking projectile weapon. The projectile that I happened to get in the way of can be reclaimed from my room in Robinson - as long as you come and get it before 1pm Thursday, Ed... *gr0wl*)
Friendly Bob reports:
We arrived at Robinson having managed to avoid manic cyclists, and proceeded to the NFG's room (identifiable by strange noises coming from within. Egads.). Vladimir went first, diving through the door and hitting the Hologram in the back.
Vladimir Shothishedkleenoff reports:
I burst in and saw 4 murderers and Umpire. Therefore I shot Hologram with Eagleeye dartgun in the back,
knifed Kelpie in the back,
threw my knife at Puma
and then wasted the guy who charged through the balcony with green shrapnel, possibly losing an arm in the process.
However: Puma survived and NFG is disputing the order of events in the last bit of the fight.
Meanwhile Bob had gassed the room and Puma shot at him.

This put my body count to about 33

*psychotic interlude*
* *

Vladimir Shothishedkleenoff killed Kelpie at 00:00:00 on Thursday
Kelpie reports:
I was sitting in the room of a friend in Robinson peacably watching Tenkuu no Escaflowne. After repeated warnings to lock his door, this person had - unfortunately - not complied. Neither had any of us had the energy to bother to get up and lock it ourselves. So when I heard the door burst open, and a bullet go whining over my head, I didn't bother reaching for my lightsabre or knife. I felt the knife plunge deep into my back and smelt the gas in the room. I have to say that we deserved it *sigh*

Garrett, we will have to watch Esca with the most vile smell in the history of mankind invading the room. This is an offence punishable by death. Maybe not this term or this year, maybe not by lightsabre, crossbow or dagger, but it will come. You have been warned...

(Besides, I like killing Garrett...)
Friendly Bob reports:
Kelpie died next, a knife embedded between her shoulders. A muffled curse then went up as the knife went on to embed itself in the Puma's hand...

Friendly Bob mashed a non-player at 00:00:01 on Thursday
No sooner had Overkill backed out the door at the sight of lightsabres humming into action than Friendly Bob inserted a hand into the room. A hand with a poison gas canister, which he proceeded to spray around the room, killing a poor innocent and making an amusing attempt on the Umpire. - Umpire.
Friendly Bob reports:
As Vladimir retreated, I moved in to clean up those who had survived. Poison gas filled the room, failing to kill the Puma again (he produced a gas mask with such haste he must have almost known what was going to happen. Curse his luck) and failing to kill the umpire on the grounds that he's immortal. Sadly, the NFG had already left for the balcony...

Umpire tried to kill Friendly Bob at 00:00:05 on Thursday
It took three seconds to chase Friendly Bob down the stairs, and one second to charge up the fingers for the lightning bolt, which flashed from the Umpire's fingers and incinerated the Garrett in a big flash. But then I thought - he doesn't really deserve to be on the receiving end of the Finger Of Death (tm). - Umpire.

Vladimir Shothishedkleenoff tried to kill NFG at 00:00:30 on Thursday
NFG reports:
Engrossed in Esca, I was startled by a sudden commotion behind my back. Turning round, I saw Vladimir's retreating head, closely followed by a hand holding a can of poison gas. I dashed out of the open French window, grabbing a lightsabre on my way, and went around the outside to try and catch the killers from behind. Unfortunately, Vladimir saw me coming; the bullet hit me just as my lightsabre plunged into his side. The Umpire's decision is awaited.
The killers left before any real investigation could occur, and NFG is contesting his death versus Overkill's.

It would be sensible if there is still a disagreement about who killed whom, that a duel be announced for just after the game ends. Venue to be announced.
- Umpire.
Puma reports:
How on Earth did I come out of that alive? An incompetently thrown knife injured my hand but failed to do me mortal harm, and I managed to whip out a gas mask at the sight of the gas canister. However, the only target I managed to hit was the charred remains of Friendly Bob - the Umpire got there first. Foolhardy as it might be to say it, come and get me next time...

Yes, I am entirely insane btw.
Friendly Bob reports:
I managed to shout a warning to Vladimir just as NFG reappeared from behind - a lightsabre sliced into the Russian's arm at around the same instant as green balls embedded themselves into NFG's chest.

Upon escaping outside, the Puma failed to hit me with the small pistol that had miraculously failed to injure me on Tuesday and the Kelpie insulted me again. This seems to be a recurring theme, and as such I'm greatly disappointed she didn't recognise me earlier in the week. The Puma vanished into the darkness, avoiding the death that had beset his fellows.

Friendly Bob did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 00:45:00 on Thursday
Friendly Bob reports:
Thompson's lane was next - unfortunately for us, most of the occupants were busy getting astonishingly drunk down the road. Comrade elf was drawn out by the promise of a one on one duel with the leader. A brief, manic gunfight later - and they both lay on the floor, dead. A quick repeat match brought the conclusion that Vladimir had been slightly quicker off the mark than the pointy-eared one, and both settled down to watch the amusements that followed...

During the brief battle, the drunken occupants of BBC had finally caught wind of our presence. Cheering events on as only those who have already consumed large quantities of vodka can, they seemed a trifle upset by the violence outside ending. And then noticed me. Carrying a damn big gun.


Projectiles flew between the ground and the second floor room, with the status of water weapons within it apparantly altering at whim - shortly after Archaeonecros had mumbled something about it being at discretion and waving a fridge at me, a jet of water caught him by surprise - he retaliated by incompetently throwing paper darts at me. The nearest landed approximately 5 metres away, which wasn't too bad considering there was a whole 3 metres between us at that point. Shortly afterwards a large grenade fell towards me - by some random fluke, the shrapnel completely failed to hit my legs.

Lord Nhudri decided to take advantage of his innocent status, and somehow managed to negotiate the stairs. A fridge from above narrowly missed him, accompanied by more drunken laughter from upstairs. Apparantly unfazed by this he lurched towards me and grabbed hold of my gun.

This was a mistake.

Though he may only have had removing the rounds from my gun in mind, I decided to avoid taking the chance. The second he laid hands on my weapon I blew a large hole in his chest. The undead corpse then lurched back up the stairs again, pausing only to retrieve the fridge. I then left. But I'll be back. Possibly later tonight. Oh yes....

Vladimir Shothishedkleenoff killed Comrade elf at 01:15:55 on Thursday
Vladimir Shothishedkleenoff reports:
This was a fair duel
the result was a draw
so we were both dead till 3:15
the rematch was won by Overkill
a proper report is below:
Vladimir Shothishedkleenoff reports:
Armament used: Comrade Elf: xxp110
Overkill : cps1000

round 1
very quick. Elf got behind a moving car and so the two psychos got too close. This led to Overkill's Torso and Elf's Head being blown up.

to settle the dispute
Elf recedes after several decent exchanges and dodges.
Elf legs it down an alleyway and re-emerges in an odd direction and charges. Overkill remains unhurt but Elf takes a torso shot.

Friendly Bob fights the BBC mafia. This involved waterbombs and a refrigerator. The real Alex Cairns died on trying to wrest Bob's gun off him, but there were no other casualties.

Severe brokenness. Yes, I *know* everyone's kills are appearing as failed, and the anchors are messed up rather. I'll fix it soon. - Umpire.

Brokenness generally fixed, I think.

Failed kill reports have now been implemented properly. On the death report form, there is a tickbox which you should select if you are reporting a failed kill. In the same fell swoop, I have also failed some of the suicides that occurred before the scoring rules changed. This means my list of things to do has run out. What a *shame*.

Two and a quarter hours until the death time goes down to one single hour.

Even though the game finishes at 1:00 today, the system will be available for reporting until quite early Friday, when I go home for the summer. At that time, the news and stats will be frozen and moved to a more permanent location, so you can still read it while my computer isn't switched on.

It'd be a good idea for everyone to look over the past news, and add any reports or comments to reports that they think have been left out. Certainly, I know a few people who were waiting for the failed kill report system to be written. Now is your time to report it all. The news page is a masterpiece anyway (thanks Stu), but could probably be even better if everyone comments on whatever they saw.
- Umpire.

Friendly Bob killed Vole, of the New England Voles at 09:55:00 on Thursday
Friendly Bob reports:
Friendly Bob flamed Vole in the face at five to ten.

I apologise for the lack of amusing puns in the previous statement.

The time of death is now one hour only, as of Thursday, 10:00 am. Let chaos reign! - Umpire.

Alison Farmer killed Ominous Pseudonym at 10:00:47 on Thursday
Alison Farmer reports:
The dartgun misfired
I wasn't Supposed to kill OP again
but his hand was in his pocket
and mine was on my trigger
the left half of his torso was blown off
since my gun was heavy calibre


Alison Farmer did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 10:05:55 on Thursday
Alison Farmer reports:
He had a small pistol
Then I had him
Near Pembroke
He'd been playing Some Other Game

Overkill, featured as:Giancarlo Mascarpone, Pierluigi Zabaglione, Andrew Grantham, Staveit Stuffit=David Duffett, The Harlequin's r4, Alex Cairns, Lynnette Dray, Louise Rutter, Arnold Schledgehammerzareforwalnutzsnigger, Miss Maple, Vladimir Shothishedkleenoff, Alison Farmer and the Archdaemon Lanzdael killed Vole, of the New England Voles at 12:40:02 on Thursday
Overkill, featured as:Giancarlo Mascarpone, Pierluigi Zabaglione, Andrew Grantham, Staveit Stuffit=David Duffett, The Harlequin's r4, Alex Cairns, Lynnette Dray, Louise Rutter, Arnold Schledgehammerzareforwalnutzsnigger, Miss Maple, Vladimir Shothishedkleenoff, Alison Farmer and the Archdaemon Lanzdael reports:
The Vole was vilely gassed through the bottom of his door.
I can think of no suitable puns for the above attrocity.

J Doe
Overkill, featured as:Giancarlo Mascarpone, Pierluigi Zabaglione, Andrew Grantham, Staveit Stuffit=David Duffett, The Harlequin's r4, Alex Cairns, Lynnette Dray, Louise Rutter, Arnold Schledgehammerzareforwalnutzsnigger, Miss Maple, Vladimir Shothishedkleenoff, Alison Farmer and the Archdaemon Lanzdael reports:
I would like to thank my two wonderful associates for their support and loyalty throughout this game. They shall remain anonymous unless they tell me otherwise, although they aren't hard to guess from the news.

J Doe

Surprisingly enough, J Doe is declared winner overall. By a factor of about four.

Well done, you complete and utter nutter.
- Umpire.

That's all folks! - Umpire.

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