Game News

Day 4

Your local Auto Umpire expert speaks: Okay people, this is getting ridiculous.

I mean, nobody is dead. Nobody has been dead for several hours. Get killing.
- Umpire.

Aizen (Matthew Monaghan) killed Cat (Liz Elliott) at 00:50:40 on Sunday
Aizen reports:
It was getting late and nomone had attacked, someone mentioned that it was quite boring.
Weighing my rubber band gun in my hands I decided I was the perfect person to fix that.
A single shot to the chest and Cat died for the first time.
Cat reports:
Ever since Aizen had suggested shooting Seth in the back with one of his own weapons, I knew he was not to be trusted. So his turning on us, while disappointing, was not really a surprise.

We had no time to react as Aizen levelled his rubberband gun at me and The Fireman in turn, shooting through our hearts with cold efficiency. The last thing I heard as I tumbled into blackness was his triumphant, gloating laugh, echoing in the still night.

Aizen, you scum! I hope you like water, because you are going to be seeing rather a lot of it!

Aizen (Matthew Monaghan) killed The Fireman (Joel Cartwright) at 00:50:42 on Sunday
Aizen reports:
I swung my sights to the only other assassin in the room and before he could react I silenced him in the same way.
The next rubber band snapped into place and I was itching for my next target.
The Fireman reports:
It was as Aizen said, during a nostalgic evening of cartoon viewing. In my own room. With a weapon I'd previously handed to him. Git.
Sleep tight Aizen >:-)

Aizen (Matthew Monaghan) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 00:50:50 on Sunday
Aizen reports:
Fortunately someone obliged by pinging a rubber band at me, he joined the pile of corpses lying on the bed as everyone in the room picked up some sort of foam based weaponry and pelted me from all directions. By this time there was only one more target left alive.
A non-player reports:
Well seeing as I get an error when I try to report as myself I am
forced to resort to this, basically aizen managed to kill me and the
rest of the mafia and a couple of innocents who were all armed (like me)
Seeing as I had just turned up to redistribute my armoury among my
friends we were all holding guns. Nice shooting.
Seth Lord of E??!
Please be more specific - what error did you get?

What were you trying to do?
- Umpire.

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Slakko (Duncan Richer) at 09:19:08 on Sunday
The Dragon reports:
An early morning walk lead me to Queens, I was surprised to find an open door, as was Slakko when I shot him.
He just managed to mutter:"Bloody hell!", when the door flew open, his neighbours only heard two shots from a Lugar and never saw the killer.

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Charlie Croker (Philip Stott) at 09:22:08 on Sunday
The Dragon reports:
Philip looked quite sleepy when he looked up from his bed to the opening door, so I thought a bit of water might wake him up, as his room is WW3.

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Antoine (Antoine Boulart) at 09:34:08 on Sunday
The Dragon reports:
Five seconds of patient waiting outside Antoine's door paid off at 9:34, I had just arrived and was wondering what to do, when he stepped out of his room, not quite awake yet.
Two rubber-bands lying next to his body were the only evidence left behind.

Octopussy (Claire Bordenave) tried to kill Christopher Robin (Matthew Wakeling) at 09:55:01 on Sunday
Octopussy reports:
The aircraft carrier was stationed down Eden Road. The F-16 fighter was hovering under a tree. Matthew Wakeling was walking by. You may be wondering, but it was indeed Serge Lewis' baptism today. I was -of course- the pilot of the F-16 :). And i've never heard of the Geneva Convention in my life... So I didn't hesitate to unleash some fairly hefty biological warfare... I began to pedal the F-16. He spotted the Killer Octopus emerging from the bomb-hatches. He ran for sanctity in the chapel, and made it, albeit dripping in slime.



The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Macvities (Kien Hoang) at 09:58:18 on Sunday
The Dragon reports:
Upon returning from a shower Kien found a visitor waiting for him in his room.
Though taken by surprise he managed to dodge one shot, but the other one hit him in the chest.

Octopussy (Claire Bordenave) killed Peaceful Purple Pineapple (Angela Rayner) at 10:00:00 on Sunday
Octopussy reports:
A bit disapointed by this first failed attempt, i took position at the corner of Eden Street in the hope that some more Christians would arrive. Sure enough, the Umpire and Angela Rayner ran past *grin* *bloodlustyslimyswishofthetentacles*

I left the Umpire alone - the octopus has a satisfactory level of guild discipline - but Angela is currently being digested. The tentacles reached out 50 metres and dragged her into the nightmare mouth.




*octopus grins*

It's a cute Octopus really.


Perhaps not, then :)

Octopussy (Claire Bordenave) tried to kill Harland Quinn (Stu Gill) at 11:00:00 on Sunday
Octopussy reports:
The Christians would guess by now that something is wrong. It was the large ammount of slime outside the Chapel, not to mention Angela was only spiritually present.

So I taped a rocket launcher to the front of the F-16 and prepared my wing-mounted machineguns.

Sure enough, Mr Gill came out. :)

I shot at him with the rocket launcher, unfortunately missed, and jammed when starting to pursue him - technical problem. I dealt with it and began a proper chase, helped in this by a ferocious dog. He has to say:
A non-player reports:


A non-player reports:
Sorry, I think we should provide a translation of the above statement:

"Oi, you grinning, spiky-haired maniac, that was MY tail you almost trod on, I'm going to bite your..."


"I honestly have had my rabies vaccine"
Octopussy reports:
Unfortunately, the technical problem i had meant that Mr Gill had a comfortable lead. The dog didn't. But this only made him run faster, past the aircraft carrier and into the Grafton centre arms department. The F-16 crash-landed, with the pilot safely flying out on the ejector seat and parachuting into the Grafton centre through the roof...
A non-player reports:
The Aircraft Carrier Picked up the F-16. Hmmm, said J Doe. It's a hot day to be an aircraft carrier. I think I'll ride the
F-16 and not the other way round. It's the painful pedals you see :)


Oops, haven't ridden a bike for 12 years...

Octopussy (Claire Bordenave) tried to kill Kelpie (Morag Gray) at 11:25:13 on Sunday
Octopussy reports:
Ok, i had lost Mr Gill in the Grafton Center. So i came back to the baptist Church and spotted a murderous congregation of Christians.

I shot Angela to make sure, and held Morag at gun-point when...

Macavity (Mike Jeggo) killed Octopussy (Claire Bordenave) at 11:30:00 on Sunday
Macavity reports:
A fair gaggle of assassins was gathered outside Eden Chapel in Fitzroy street, celebrating the dunking of one of our number, Withnail.

Given the protestant nature of our gathering, it was hardly surprising that Pope Innocent XV felt it necessary to put an end to it by the sword - well, OK then, the gun, and so she put an end to the unfortunate Peaceful Purple Pineapple.
However, she failed to notice that Macavity was there. Not till he shot her through the chest, anyway. Obviously, I repent of this deed but since grace provides for me I need not fear the eternal consequences :)
Octopussy reports:


*falls to the ground*

The Fireman (Joel Cartwright) killed Aizen (Matthew Monaghan) at 13:20:00 on Sunday
The Fireman reports:
After a refreshing shower, I opened the bathroom door to find a rather surprised, and defenceless Aizen.
He didn't last long under the barrage of heavy fire from the CPS 1500 I was carrying. Revenge is sweet, oh yes.
Aizen reports:
So I go for a shower this morning, and someones already there.
After waiting outside for a suspiciously long time the door opens and The Fireman blasts me at short range with a 1500. Git.
In hindsight betraying my nextdoor neighbour when he has a 1500 and I have a 40 was probably a bad idea, still, plan what you do in the next four hours carefully Fireman, at 5:20 you die.

Axolotl (Naomi Foster) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 14:20:35 on Sunday
Axolotl reports:
Well if they think they can get away scott free walking round Scudamores fully armed then it serves them right if I throw grenades at them.

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Sophy (Sophy Fuchs) at 16:35:27 on Sunday
The Dragon reports:
Target = Sophy
device = rubber band gun
Open door = last mistake
result = death

Right, now I'll start playing properley... Honest. (Ed Nokes) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 16:50:16 on Sunday
Right, now I'll start playing properley... Honest. reports:
The usual situation... Whilst gently ambulating along Silver Street, I came upon a suspicious looking character with a CPS 1000. So I shot him, declaiming "I'm an assassin, and it's my job to shoot anyone wielding a weapon."

But really, should we get points for this? It is the 'legal non-player' season, after all. I've had the opportunity to kill about 15 random people bearing CPS-grade weaponary over the past few days, but it seems almost like cheating - far to easy.

Macavity (Mike Jeggo) did a stunning legal kill of an innocent at 17:04:30 on Sunday
Macavity reports:
Some random friend of Serge's was playing with my lightsabre. So I shot him. He complained this was the third time he'd been assassinated, without ever having played the game himself. But if you play with other people's lightsabres, what can you expect?

Time to change my pseudonym (Ed Nokes) killed Peaceful Purple Pineapple (Angela Rayner) at 17:30:49 on Sunday
Time to change my pseudonym reports:
Will report later
Time to change my pseudonym reports:
On our way to 6 Adams' Road, we just happened to come upon Angela. She didn't recognise us until Bjoern pulled the CPS, but on seeing her cardboard-box-toting figure, Bjoern did something totally unexpected...

...he offered to not soak her with the CPS-1000. Which meant that I got to shoot Angela before Bjoern could free his rubber-band gun.

Hat hat hat.

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Kelpie (Morag Gray) at 17:43:55 on Sunday
The Dragon reports:
I was happily and entirely innocently walking up to Serge's house, when suddenly Morag came cycling towards me.
I just happened to have a cps with me for no particular reason and nothing else ready to draw, so I shot her with it as she cycled past.
Kelpie reports:
Since Bjoern has been dedicated enough to kill me twice (!) I thought I ought to reward him and actually submit a report. So - well actually, there's very little to report. I'll have to work on maneuvers on my bicycle...maybe I should start carrying my heavy calibre crossbow around. Death to all water weapons and the nasty people who use them!
*coughs* anyway, Bjoern, you can leave me alone now - let someone else have a chance, ne?

Time to change my pseudonym (Ed Nokes) killed Macavity (Mike Jeggo) at 17:45:49 on Sunday
Time to change my pseudonym reports:
Will report later
Time to change my pseudonym reports:
We followed the newly dead Angela along to House Number 6, where her shouted warning of "Assassins, Mike, run away!" gave a pleasant suggestion of even more victims. Unsurprisingly, I shot the bloke running suspiciously across the lawn with a lightsabre. Who it turned out was Jeggo.

Hihat Hihat Hihat!

Such a pity that Serge wasn't there.
Macavity reports:
*grits teeth*
I shall not take on a CPS with a lightsabre,
I shall not take on a CPS with a lightsabre,
I shall not take on a CPS with a lightsabre...

Time to change my pseudonym (Ed Nokes) killed Seb the psychotic spaghetti mould (Sebastian Bleasdale) at 18:15:39 on Sunday
Time to change my pseudonym reports:
Will report later
Time to change my pseudonym reports:
Happy after feeding on the inhabitants of 6 Adams' Road, I moved on to Braeside, and what better route was there to take than that passing conveniently by Ole' Seb's House.

I knocked on he door. Someone opened it. "Are you Sebastian?", quoth I. "Yea, Verily," said he. A hastily squeezed-off shot sped towards him as the door slammed shut, and then I backed off in case of retribution, fearing Mr. Bleasdale to be not entirely dead.

Ten minutes later, he appeared and admitted that he was most certainly deceased, explaining that his cooking had demanded his attention most urgently. Pah. As if a corpse needs food.

(Apparently, always answering to his own name is a well-known flaw in Seb's character.)

Zachary Smith (Steven Cooper) killed Antoine (Antoine Boulart) at 18:51:08 on Sunday
Zachary Smith reports:
As I was strolling through the New Hall Garden party, I happened to bump into Antoine.
So I shot him.
Poor Antoine.
The question is, can the Toxteth Mafia make it two in one night...

The Dragon (Bjoern Holzhauer) killed Harland Quinn (Stu Gill) at 19:30:55 on Sunday
The Dragon reports:
One of Stu's friendly neighbours let me and Ed into Braeside. We walked up to Stu's room, finding to our surprise his weapons outside and even better when we tried the door it was open...
Ed tried to open it and stick his gun through, but the door was blocked with just a small gap open and his gun blocked.
Hence I inserted my gun as well on top of the door and opened fire at the place, where Stu normally uses to sit in front of the computer.
I emptied all my ammo and Stu had to admit death.
Harland Quinn reports:
Yet again I report my sad demise,
This time at the hands of Holzhauer.
I would compose you a lovely poem,
But I cannot rhyme at this hour.

Love and huggles and plays based on classic English literature,
Harland Quinn (deceased)

Octopussy (Claire Bordenave) tried to kill (Matt Laycock) at 20:09:37 on Sunday
Octopussy reports:
Besieged Matt Laycock's room today together with Dan. The grinning face of Matt appeared at the window. He opened it and threw a water bomb... Well out of range. The returning stomp rocket hit the window pane right next to his head.

We eventually retreated to find that he was already behind the hedge. Then i flanked him by running round the UL and Dan laid an ambush in Robinson.

The homebound Laycock was mowed down by maniacs emerging from Garden Hostel. But Dan's ambush had already worked...

Restless dead (Daniel Seymour) killed (Matt Laycock) at 20:45:21 on Sunday
I'm dead. It was really good fun though <g>
Restless dead reports:
Chancing upon Octopussy quite unintentionally (as if...) outside Harvey court we agreed to assault the place. Ed was out. Bjorn was out. Matt Laycock was in. He spent a long time in his room preparing something big and with a pump, then failed to come out, so we went outside. After a prolonged taunting session to get him to come out, we discussed where to go next, but then out he came. Launching nasty hit and run attacks at us we were unable to retaliate due to proximity of innocents. After catching an unpleasent piece of grenade shrapnel in the leg we withdrew, only to find that Laycock has gone ahead and lain an ambush. Fortunately my leg had healed by now so I was able to respnd, and thus it was that a small shower of grenades rendered his position untennable, forcing him to flee. We wandered off to try to ambush him when he followed us. I ducked into Robinson as the other two continued, but Laycock gave up and headed for home, tailed my my evil self.
Closing in behind him someone runs past and Laycock looks round. Holding a Mk1500 satanic flamethrower behind your back when about 15 metres from someone is hard, but it seems I did it. Closing to maximal range, I upped the pace intending to shoot as he began to turn. However the presence of one random innocent running past obviously made me safe too. NOT! I debated wether to use a cap gun as I was close enough too, but I stuck with the satanic flamethrower. As the sent of Laycock's charred corpse wafted across the roadside the random runner picked up his heels and began to speed away.
Oh dear. I yhink I cvanm now report the klill thazt Daniel Saeymorur made earlier. I can't read so I 5think thisd ais alright. Firsty J Doe knock ed ton my door. "It's Ralph!"> He saod. IO knowew optjerwisse. I'ts's J Doem! I daids brcause I know what his voicer sounmds like. Then I went outside anfd sort of talked to them bnecause I wantewd to. Tjhey tried to souhjot at me or tsomething . Oh drat I dont onknow theat they sound like. I tyhrew a couple og water bombs but couldn't be bothered tuying them up so they didn't work and they just dodged them. Then I sneaked around a bit but didn't hit them because they still dodged. I appeared on several balconcies or something. Then I went outside when they were tryign to lure me outside but unfortunately Daniel Setymour noticed my flouroecent gun bcuaeaseuse it is flourescent. He saw me throuh the hefge and teried to kill me but I ran away. Then I followed them to Robinson but wasn't sublytele enought sol they noticed ,e amd then when I was on my way back I got sot bechause I heard sometpne following me and turened rojund but it was a random non- player and didn't notice Daniel Seyn,mpir bnehing himm and then I got shot,. Oh dear. Bother and such like. Idedicate this kill to suicide Sunday and if anyone notices me don't shoot me with water weapons because I'm at my computer. Mmmmmmm. B,ither/////

Time to change my pseudonym (Ed Nokes) killed Restless dead (Daniel Seymour) at 21:20:38 on Sunday
Restless dead reports:
Returning from my recent kill, I spot Bjorn and Ed sat on the grass in front of my door. Being the fearless corpse I am I flee in terror. Working round to their flank I blow my chance at surpriseing them and so Bjorn chased me out into the car park, while Ed headed me off. Trying to dodge around Ed and return to my room I hurl a grenade into Ed's cover and follow it up with a torrent of fire from the satanic flame-thrower. Diving to saftey Ed only has time to let off a paltry volley of supressive fire, but by some fluke one round catches the restless dead full in the facew and he drops, lifeless once more.
Time to change my pseudonym reports:
Myself and Bjoern of Borg were congregating around the Jesus's lawns (our location being nowhere near that of "Dansiel's" room, needless to say) when we spotted the fellow returning from what we could only assume was a killing spree (this we knew from his blatant brandishing of a far too bulky weapon), and consequently raised the warcry "There's Dansiel Seymour! Get him!", with which we charged him, causing him to drop his bag of weapons (on sacred ground, may I add) and run around the court to a far-off archway, wherethrough Bjoern of Borg gave chase, whilst I took myself away to an adjacent opening, wherefrom as expected, I spotted the fleeing fugitive and cunningly situated myself besides a path which he would surely have to traverse in order to retreat towards his room... and surely enough, he ran towards my place of hiding, throwing ahead of him a large and destuctive grenade together with a blanket of covering fire, the former of which I nimbly dodged, in a direction carefully calculated to remove me from Dansiel's firepath, whilst simulaneously admitting him to mine - a strategy which worked extremely well, my perfectly-proportioned weapon pulverising his body and ushering his soul into yet another restless death, so that's another kill for me, and oh, I managed to write this entire report in a single sentence.
Time to change my pseudonym reports:
In fact, to quote a sentence from James Joyce (Ulysses)...

Mulveys was the first when I was in bed that morning and Mrs Rubio... (43000 characters) ...yes I will Yes.
Time to change my pseudonym reports:
Oh dear, it appears that in the interests of brevity (and those of not crashing the server), my single sentence quotation from Ulysses has been most rudely trimmed.

Axolotl (Naomi Foster) killed Antoine (Antoine Boulart) at 23:25:30 on Sunday
Axolotl reports:
Antoine came to Newhall event unarmed. I walked right up to him and shot him. He made no attempt to run away or place civilions inbetween me and himself.

Okay, people. As requested, me and the Automatic Umpire have changed the scoring system for legal non-player kills: the points gained by each individual player now decrease by 50% for each legal innocent kill in the game. So Bjoern's 9 legal innocent kills gain him 0.2 + 0.1 + 0.05 + ..., which is still less than 0.4. This should be a discouragement to going round massacring the Cambridge masses.

The code for this is still in construction at the moment, but should be working soon. Just thought I'd let you all know my decision :-)
- Umpire.

News from day 3 (Saturday) * News from day 5 (Monday) * Back to main page.