Assassins' Guild Lent 2001: Days 22 to 32

Thursday, 15th February

09:30 — Shadow's waiting

"The Shadow" killed Peter "Dr X" Hinstridge thusly:

12:00 — Valentine day surprises...

The ever faithful "Mrs. Faithful" sent to "Trezzer" a Valentine card; clearly touched by the gesture, the recipient reports:

13:37 — ...which surprisingly didn't work

"Dream" couldn't resist the chance to make "The Unusual Suspect" feel warm, wanted, and dead — but "The Unusual Suspect" was simply too suspicious:

20:20 — The last of the incompetents

Lord Protector of the Parking Space, Defender of the Streets, Warden of the Yellow Lines, and Grand High Issuer of Tickets, by the Grace of God, the most puissant Simon Ford of Dilemma has dealt with the last of that rare breed, the wanted criminal. Today's lucky victim was Stephen "Pamela" Cooper:

Dilemma's calculations were spot on, for at 8:19, Pamela received his last telephone call:

Friday, 16th February

The following cryptic message, painstakingly constructed from newspaper cuttings, was received today:

"The sword of Damocles....."

01:43 — Dream's masterclass: avoiding death by poisoned letter

"Dream" has kindly provided this handy guide to avoiding these, the infrequent killers of the incautious:

16:00 — Shadowy goings-on

"The Unusual Suspect tried to kill "The Shadow" today:

Saturday, 17th February

13:20 — Criminals come...

Päivi "Snowman" Pasi murdered an innocent and is now wanted:

21:50 — ...and criminals go

Päivi "Snowman" Pasi snuffed it whilst trying to murder Acting-Chief "Incorruptible". In the short-lived criminal's own words:

The arresting officer had this to say:

Snowman is now a policewoman. Acting-Chief "Incorruptible" has been awarded the title Lady Paramount of Her Majesty's Bright Stripy Fluorescent Orange-White Extra-Large Traffic Cones.

Sunday, 18th February

Ten fresh new incompetents are now on the wanted list... have fun, people. Incompetents need both a sucessful kill of a player, and another good attempt, to become competent again. Chris Maher has been drafted into the police force in order to help combat the criminal element.

10:00 — Watchful Rhombo

Someone tried to kill Rhombo, but he was on his guard:

11:00 — Another Officer dies in the line of duty

PC Jehova's Witness was murdered by "Archangel" in an attempt to apprehend wanted criminals "Captain Caveman" and "The Mole". The ex-policeperson provided the following report:

The intended victim, Captain Caveman, offers the following tale:

The ärkeängel concerned had this to say:

11:30 — Cyrus Mortus

Lord Protector of the Parking Space, Defender of the Streets, Warden of the Yellow Lines, and Grand High Issuer of Tickets, by the Grace of God, the most puissant Simon Ford of Dilemma brought the non-existent Pembroke mafia closer to extinction by executing Cyrus:

Simon Ford has been further promoted to the rank of Offical Donut-Boy and assistant Tea-Lady and Chief of Police.

11:40 — Citadel of the Johnians

SvenskMoose tried to kill The Mole, but was shot himself by other inhabitants of the staircase. The Moose begins this tale:

The following report was received from "The Mole":

Archangel decided to make sure of things:

13:54 — The Glorious Twelfth beckons?

PC "Ribena" mangled the already mutilated corpse of "The SvenskMoose":

16:28 — This budgie has expired. It is an ex-budgie.

Traffic Policeman "Bud White" executed another incompetent, Ross "The Onion Budgie" Brockman:

Traffic Policeman "Bud White" has been promoted to "Speed Camera Repairman".

17:30 — More Johnian japery

The Police Force attempted a coordinated assault on the incompetent criminals of E-staircase, John's, but the only immediate death was that of the unfortunate visitor Sally "Trezzer" Clough. The squad consisted of PC's "Dilemma", "Incorruptible", "Bud White", and Speed Camera Repairman "Ribena", who lodged this report:

This from "Archangel":

Well, truth to tell, this so-called "Pembroke Mafia" wasn't. The "The Mole" elaborates:

The Lady Paramount of Her Majesty's Bright Stripy Fluorescent Orange-White Extra-Large Traffic Cones, Claire Bordenave, continues the tale:

Speed Camera Repairman "Ribena" narrates his moment of glory:

The stand off continued upstairs while all this went on... This report came from "Captain Caveman":

So, the incompetent criminals survived — this time — for Speed Camera Repairman "Ribena" and friends couldn't stay all day:

For his sterling works, Speed Camera Repairman Ribena has been "promoted" to Roadkill.

18:30 — The Archangel falls

This raid claimed more casualties, though: An innocent porter who came to investigate fell victim to the residual noxious fumes. Muhammad Esa, the "Archangel", was unable to live with himself after this, and felt honour-bound to fall upon his sword.

Monday, 19th February

11:45 — The Invincible Man?

PC Actaeon the (almost) Invincible tried to terminate the incompetent Jamie "Lloyd" Douglass:

Tuesday, 20th February

14:00 — Never say "Invincible"

Number 24 on the list of the The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord is:

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line: "No, this cannot be. I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that death is usually instantaneous.)

Police officers such as PC Actaeon the (almost) Invincible might do well to remember this, as Lloyd clearly has:

And from the invincibleish one:

Wednesday, 21st February

Reminder: Those who have not recently made a direct attempt on a valid target have until 23:59:59 tomorrow (Thursday) to do so. There are but two fates for those who have been or are unable to manage this: Those who were not previously wanted for incompetence will be made so (this currently applies to too many players - go and kill!). Those who are already wanted for incompetence will be removed from the game (this currently applies to 3 players).

14:00 — Lloyd is vexed

Jamie "Lloyd" Douglass attempted to assassinate "Echo"

16:10 — Ferrets, Moles and other furry creatures

"The Ferret's Revenge" did his best to disturb the hedgerow home of Phil "The Mole" Bennet and Sam "Captain Caveman" Birch. The latter narrates today's story:

Perhaps the Ferret should find out how to kill moles, Duncton Wood style?

17:53 — Another danger removed...

"Delirium" proved that "Dangerous Jim" Milner wasn't all that dangerous after all:

¹ Well, Hitch-hiking to Amsterdam.

Terry Lines? Who precisely is Terry Lines?

Thursday, 22nd February

11:00 — ...and again, for safety's sake

"Rhombo" made sure that "Dangerous Jim" Milner was well and truely dead:

12:24 — Mercy-killing

Mrs Faithful mercifully disposed of Gemma "Dream" Mitchell. The assassin reports:

Getting up late has a price, as Gemma has now discovered:

15:00 — Dining and dieing

"Macavity" executed Sam "Captain Caveman" Birch and Phil "The Mole" Bennett.

The Mole's report follows:

Captain Caveman's last living thoughts were later discovered:

The Police Force has recruited two new members: PC Mole and PC Caveman.

16:00 — Earth-shattering news

The earthquake that is "Lina Inverse" did for Helen "The Horrible Rock Monster" Debenham. Lina reports thusly:

The Horrible Rock Monster has this to say:

18:00 — The Usual Suspicions

"The Unusual Suspect" came not at all close to killing "Rhombo":

Even this was not as it seemed, according to Rhombo:

20:49 — Something fishy is going on...

"Pilchard" went to visit "The Ferret", but nothing came of it:

23:45 — Mad dash at midnight

"Echo" had a go at "Supernova":

Alas, circumstances defeated "Echo" in her attempt; "Supernova" elaborates:

Note: "Echo" was briefly made wanted for incompetence, for although this attempt was made before midnight, it was not reported for quite a while afterwards. The Umpires expect to be notified of attempts before the deadline, and point out that the opportunity to be murdered by the highly trained and efficient police force, however briefly, is something of a disincentive to do otherwise.

Friday, 23rd February

This day brings but one new incompetent: Jamie "Supernova" Richards is now wanted. The new game period spans Friday 23rd February 00:00 to Tuesday 27th February 23:59:59. All players must make a good attempt or kill during this time - poisoned letters aren't good enough to count.

00:00 — Terminal incompetence

The remains of Dan "Edmund Flesh" Lambert, previously wanted for incompetence, were found scattered around his room this morning. Police are treating the death as suspicious. Duty Coroner Clegor Gregane issued this statement:

This case has presented a multitude of barriers to the application of forensic science and investigative biology, and my preliminary findings are very tentative indeed. Nethertheless, from the orientation and geometry of bloodstains, the nature of the damage to furniture, the uniform distibution of former body parts, and of course, the convenient closed circuit televisual footage, I am able to hypothesise that the notorious assassin J Doe was magically transported into the middle of the victim's room by a mysterious time portal, out of which he lept, swinging a Topologist's sine curve, to bloodily disconnect and dismember the victim's essential singularities in an ungentlemanly fashion, before returning to his own time. The heavens were at that time auspiciously aligned in such a way that even the smallest ritual gathering of associates of J Doe Consulting Ltd. could conceivably have had this very summoning effect. Needless to say, we shall continue to investigate the matter.

12:00 — The Ferret squeaks his last

Offical Donut-Boy and assistant Tea-Lady and Chief of Police "Dilemma" killed John "The Ferret's Revenge" Miller:

Once more, Dilemma has been rewarded for his efforts: he is now Superintendent and Deputy-Chief Tea-Lady of Donut Division.

Saturday, 24th February

11:05 — RAG assassin killed

Speed Camera Repairman 'Editor' killed some poor RAG assassin from Queens.

Show some professional pride and don't slaugther too many amateurs, please...

12:00 — Explosion

Lloyd tried to bomb the door of the The Unusal Suspect's room, but ended up booby-trapping the door of the corridor.

Oh yes.

Here you are then: It was Jamie 'Lloyd' Douglass formerly only wanted for incompetence, now also for the murder of an innocent.

Sunday, 25th February

No player or police officer has died for 48 hours. Only some collateral damage. What's going on? Does anyone want to win this game?

17:31 — Finally

Finally something happens, but that's courtesy of the police force (not of the players). Speed Camera Repairman 'Editor' assissted by several other members of the police apprehended Dan 'The Beautiful Dead Man' Seymour

He was apparently surprised he lasted this long.

Speed Camera Repairman 'Editor' has been promoted to Ticket Inspector.

One of the other police officers (Ribena) involved reports:

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