Laurenne Chapman gunned down in Caius bar by Iain Duncan-Smith.

Taking a stroll around one of Cambridge's splendid colleges I saw many undergraduates wearing BLUE gowns, and saw that this was good. Then I noticed a girl with YELLOW hair. YELLOW is not a suitable colour! YELLOW is worn by namby pamby losers! Frothing at the mouth I drew my gun and shot her three times in the stomach. That should have calmed me, but the blood was RED! RED! RED! RED! RED!

Nathan Howes died to Inquisitor's poisoned letter.

The heretic Nathan Howes, is being offered a chance to repent his sins by falling for a poisoned letter. A chance he is very unlikely to use considering the low quality of the hastily made letter, which Inquisitor produced in less than 5 minutes. Most ashamed about staying competent in such a pathetic way, Inquisitor has vowed to pray 12 rosaries every morning. Still, while poisoning will not quite have the cleansing effect of burning the sinner on the stake, it will have to do for now. Full of forgiveness, the church is willing to welcome his dead and rotting body back into its flock.
Annoying pets will now be shot on sight.

On Tuesday the 30th of October, I went to my pigeonhole to find a professional-looking letter inside without a stamp or postmark. I carried it back with my groceries and opened it in the kitchen. I peeked inside with care, it didn't feel like there was anything suspicious inside it. I saw the letterhead read the Women's Affairs Office and I became confused and intrigued. I drew the letter out and read it to see the word 'poison' in the last sentence. With horror, I looked at my hands - they were covered in some sort of white powder. I fell to the floor, not even able to enjoy a cinnamon rasin bagel before I departed from this world.

The envelope had a window to see my name and address and the Downing crest had been printed on the letter too. Obviously this person has no friends and has become bored of masturbating twenty-four hours a day and so has spent every waking moment of the past week trying to perfect this. I would have let it all go and died quietly, but the scoundrel signed the letter with the name of my next door neighbour, a good friend of mine, in my mafia.
So I have decided to consult the rules of poison usage. They read that in the letter that the assassin is to "write somewhere on the letter (inside, not the envelope) that the powder is harmless and used solely for the purposes of the Assassins' Guild". The only words even slightly resembling this are "maniac game of assassins". There is no mention that the poison is harmless or that it is a prank for the Assassins' Guild.

I have considered this event carefully and feel that while the letter of the rules may have been breached, the spirit hasn't been; this is much more important. Also, the rule breached is the least important of the new rules: it is only to prevent problems if other people open an assassin's mail, which shouldn't happen anyway.
I would like to remind everyone of the specific rules relating to poisoned letters; I hope that everyone will stick to the letter of these rules in future so that the situation does not arise again.

Main Page | Other news 13th | 14th | 15th | 16th | 18th | 19th | 20th | 21st | 22nd | 23rd | 24th | 25th | 26th | 27th | 28th | 29th | 30th | 31st | 1st | 2nd | 3rd | 4th | 5th | 6th | 7th | 8th | 9th | 10th | 11th | 12th | Last updated at 16:15 on 6/11/01.