Lent 2002 Game News - week 5

Saturday, 23 February

Reward offered for incompetents

On behalf of Caius Mafia, I should like to offer a packet of biscuits to any member of the police who kills one of the current incompetents (Ingram, Proctor, Goddard, Fletcher). I hope this'll make for even more enjoyment of the next SWAT raid.

Sir Sven

Sunday, 24 February

[12:10pm] Commando knocked for Yak

I banged on Rosemary and Yak's doors at 12.10, 12.15 this lunchtime and yet again there was no reply though again Yak's next door neighbour came out, followed me down the stairs and went off to hockey/cricket i presume by the large kit bag. Well he came out of next door at least.

[20:00pm] Lunatic Doormouse eliminated Adrian Proctor (Commando)

I was in Trinity bar today with some of my friends, and happened to ask them if they knew Adrian Proctor. They said they did, and pointed him out to me (he was coincidentally in the bar) I therefore walked up to him and shot him. May he rest in piece...

[23:00pm] General Colin Powell and the SWAT team got a liiiiiiitle drunk

General Colin Powell:

Please make Tom Forster , JonaTAHN hOTGG, Stuart Moore, and Jenny Bunny promoted for serviccssbeyond and above the call of duty, they got me hjome after neing very very fdrunk last nifght.[e


i think I definitely deserve promotion for, er, looking after the CoP when he was dnkuk/ we wer eloking for rosie fklethcher but a cowwupt cop said she waso out so we went to the bar wmaybe that wasn't soooo smart but we're all still alive. Mario should be alright with about 12 hours sleep and lots of water. Sorry to have compromised the security of the senior police by encouraging him to be drunk, I wanted to know about the Marwood affair. i can sp[el but cant always be bothered.

Horseshoe shaped thingy:

The swat team, following an unsucsessful raid on kings and emma, went to Johns formal hall. We were all very civilised. Then Mario said he'd been drunk just once in his life. Thus a swat team mission ensued.

A considerable amount of pennying later, and we got to the bar, steering Mario and Jenny gently. We then sampled Johns Port, and found out a lot of interesting information. Several innocents would have been dead had Mario or Jenny been able to focus enough to shoot them. Events include, in no particular order, the promotion of Tom to Acting Chief, then Jon to the same position, then both of them together. Jenny went to whatever position she felt like. The concept of a Seals Police squad (Secondry Elimination Against Lawlwss Scum) was discussed, as was how on earth we could get them back. There is a recording of Jenny and Mario speaking, which I will do my best to put on computer and upload. This is brilliant. We then guided Mario back to his room, where he showed off his webcam and sent the email above.

Orange Following an attempted raid on Emma and Kings unsucessfgul due to the lack of either target SWAT with it's new SEALS unit assembled for a tactical discussion in Johns FormaL ha;; the result was that in an effort to gain certain information on what certain people may have said the SWAT mascot got herself and the CoP plus assorted others though to a( lesser degree) drunk. Following hall a raid on johns took place in the bar in an attempt to get rosemary fletcher while disguised as a group of druink students. We resirted to methid acting with interesting results. Orange acted aS BODYGUARD TO THE INCAPACITATED CHIEF AND mASCOt, disarming her in the interests of innocents in the area (tho7ugh her ability to hit anythoing at any less than pouint blank range (20cm) seemed unlikely . In Oranges paranoid role several innocents were nearly gunned down including one person who ran towards us (apparently a sprint for last orders). Luckioly the bar area is devoid of vegetation so although the grass at johns is a little brown no damage resulted from Oranges presxcence.

Vash: As a result of formal hall, the SWAT team came up with an exccelllent plan. WE decided that as A plan WE WOULd wauit IN JoHNS bar to catcH ROse aoN her WAYT backWArd TO HER rooM. (oF CourSe ShE wOUld COMe thROUg#h THE baR) To BELnd in wE GOT MArio aND JECNny6n DRunjk23. ALT HOUGH MANy comment s were MADE ABout DOING anyTHING THAT marIO ORDERED (he WAS Her suPERIor oFFIcer) absoLutley NOTHING HAPPENED(jENNY MARRILY MISSED THE LAWINSCY AWARRD) we then went along with some dodgey comments and did not make any comments concernifng handcuffs. I've gOt asfdhto go and do some work now,.....

Horseshoe shaped thingy: Innocent wished it to be known that once again she has made sacrifices for a SWAT mission.

Okay, who spiked the donuts?

I also recieved this.

Monday, 25 February

[11:05am] SWAT Cheerleader-in-Chief Innocent Killer Bunny freaked out PC Bob

Between lectures this morning I went to the toilet, there is little unusual with this, after all even large shambling mounds of hair such as me need to urinate once in a while. However upon exiting the gents I was surpirsed to see exiting from the ladies opposite the esteemed police cheerleader and Innocent Killer Bunny Jenny Chase. Momentarily I forgot that I was not wanted for vast crimes against humanity (or something silly Mario thought up because he was bored), my thoughts went something like this:

Oh shit there's Jenny, she's reaching into her bag for her gun, can I get to mine in time, no, crap crap crap AGHHHH!!! SHE'S GOING TO KILL ME AGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

At this point my heart stopped beating. Fortunetally it started about a second or two later when she smiled and said "Oh Hello". While the sight of a vicous killer bunny smiling was slightly more disconcerting than watching it reach for a gun my mind returned and I realised I was probably safe. Still, she scared the hell out of me and me with my weak heart too.....

PC Bob the Law-Abiding.

[16:30pm] Hylas the Nymph Pimp tried to bomb Kal

I trekked all the way to this land beyond the radius of convergence of Cambridge, a land called Selwynland. In Selwynland there exists a building in which was funded by the Royal Foundation of Concrete Monstrosities, which makes concrete monstrosities almost everywhere. This implies that Selwyn's Cripps is a concrete monstrosity.

Arriving, i scoured the land for the Guardian of I**, in his sloth had decided to stay in his cell and ignore his duties as a slayer. Having deceived all the slayers before me, i am certain that the knock-and-shoot tactic would fail.

I then started to plant an explosive device, custom made having conceived of the idea in my dreams, in which duck-morphing nymphs lured me into the Emmanuel lake and then taught me the intricacies of constructing a water bomb, before changing back to their anatidaec form. Having satisfied myself with the setup, i left the building.

I returned form lunch today to find a bomb on my door. It was of a crude construction. The detonator wasn't even attached to the bomb. From the design it looked as though it was designed to fall on the bomb thus setting it off. However it was badly placed so this would not have happened.

[20:30pm] PC Investigator and some more SWAT team bothered Kal

Joined the Cheerleader today to investigate Selwyn. Cycling down Huntingdon Road was a little annoying as she had to hold on to her pom-poms instead of holding the handlebars. We picked up some friends at St. Cath's and proceeded to Cripps Court where Kal was waiting. Unfortunately he was waiting in his room. We found three 25 litre containers and worked out that yes, the blast radius would be quite big, but decided maybe this was not the best way to proceed. Another target also lived nearby, but we did not attempt to kill her as she was not yet up on the website as a legal target.

We headed to the Al "Quiche-eater" lair. Complete with escape window this was quite a fort! We at least managed to scare him, assuming he was actually in and noticed that is. As the Cheerleader was saying, "You go on SWAT raids just to scare people."

On the way back we passed the most sarcastic voice I have ever heard. The owner of this voice borrowed my gun and shot the Cheerleader, but he was a corpse and this did not *even* scare her! Perhaps this was because most of us had pretended to attack her about 5,000,000 times that evening...

People are here to kill me again, sigh.

Im very busy with work so im not going to try to kill them unless they touch my door frame and die.

The door frame was poisoned, as a bomber-trap.

[23:00pm] The Internationally Wanted Top Terrorist apparently masterminded a rather elaborate wind-up of SWAT Cheerleader-in-Chief Innocent Killer Bunny

Chief Cath Een:

Tonight, we had a little gathering of legitimate businessmen. As a legitimate businessman (i.e. CAttAC), I attended. We decided to play a little trick on our good friend, Jenny Chase...

This trick firstly involved downloading a copy of the Assassins Guild website. And adding a new report, the gist of which was that Jenny was declared corrupt (for being corrupt to Binford, Caius, Marwood, and also for excessive innocence and poor dentistry).

We were under pressures of time, because Jenny was due to arrive at this party fairly soon. But we had a couple of pages operational by the time she arrived - plenty, in fact, to convice her that she was now wanted.

Fortunately for her, the room was a no-kill zone. So she could stay in the room for as long as necessary. We allowed her to email Mario, but unfortunately, as she tried to post to the newsgroup, the network went down. Oh dear. We found out later that Agent WI Wikiwiki had somehow knocked the network cable out of the computer. Silly him.

After a while, things were getting boring. But a SWAT team turned up at the door, and were let in. Eventually, at about 23.10, Jenny was persuaded to stand outside and be shot. By a nice little firing squad.

I'm not sure when exactly she'll find out the truth. Perhaps when this report goes up...

Colonel Vash:

In the tradition of SWAT reports, the following will report several things which may or may not have occured:
Tonight the SWAT team did not go to Selwyn. We did not knock for
Stephen Ingram and mutilate the corpse of David Rufino. We did not then look for Mr. Cumming to find that he was not home, apparently.

We did not later in the evening do any of the following:
1. Did not go to emma, to a certain assassins room
2. Where a society meeting was not being held, attended by lots of assassins
3. Where those present 'discovered' that Jenny was wanted for "excessive innocence".
4. Did encourage Jenny out of the room without any weapons.
5. Did not shoot Jenny repeatedly with high calibre water weaponry

Credit, as assigned by an interested (but partial) observer:

Idea and Masterminding: Robert Hiersemenzel "The Internationally Wanted Top Terrorist"
1337 HTML and H/-\x0ri|\|G: The Small Canteloupe
Hardware, alcohol and music: Agent WI Wikiwiki
Report Forgery: CAttAC Cath Een
Firing Squad: CoP Colin Powell and co.

And the victim's viewpoint:

OK, they fooled me. I should have realised- after all, why on earth should *I* be declared corrupt? Besides, Tom or Mario would have come up with a longer list of crimes.

Anyway, quite a major mistake was immediately emailing both Mario and Tom and insulting them ("You absolute bastards...."). They turned up. Mario was apparently offended. Oooops.

Stuck in what I thought was a small no-kill zone, wanted, with 8 grinning EmMafiosos, was not nice. Then ALOHA! appeared. They were less than completely unsympathetic but soon left.

There was nothing to be done but eat all Scott's food, and now there were many more grinning people with guns. I could not conceivably have stayed there all night.

The corpse of the The Internationally Wanted Top Terrorist has my pet lizard. I hope he is well looked after.


General Powell:

While sorting out through some legal paperwork for a previous case, I received a pager message from the CAttAC, saying he'd managed to fool the Innocent Killer Bunny of Doom into thinking she was wanted. I thought it was amusing, and was considering playing along for a short while.

At that point, an email from the Innocent Killer Bunny of Doom arrived, with "You absolute bastard!" as a greeting line of sorts. Funny though it was, it did give me a fabulously good reason (or so it seemed at the time) to take the joke to a rather cruel extreme. I asked Clayton & Co to keep her paranoid and scared, and at Colonel Vash's suggestion we embarked on a small SWAT raid, supposedly to execute her. Only then would we tell her the truth.

Vash and I arrived at the scene and found the Innocent Killer Bunny of Doom annoyingly reluctant to get out of the no-kill zone so we could execute her, despite complaints by a number of attendants to the meeting, who wanted to get on with it before going to sleep. Eventually she agreed to be shot at by the firing squad, who decided to use water weapons in direct disobedience of my orders (of course, seeing as I was unarmed while they were equipped with such high-caliber monstruosities, I didn't think it prudent to complain too much). After I gave the fire order and she was riddled with bullets, and plasma bolts, and antitank missiles, and small thermonuclear devices, and an evil fluffy lizard of death, her corpse suddenly decided to take The Crow-esque revenge by grabbing a medium caliber water gun and firing it at me. This was not entirely unexpected, so I managed to dodge most of the initial blast and block the gun's barrel before she could do any serious damage.

Needless to say, that didn't please me too much, so I decided to take the cruelty one step further: no-one was to tell her it had all been a fabrication, until she figured it out by herself that night or the following morning.

On reflection, I'm pretty sure I was excessively mean, nasty, and a generally bad person. And I feel very very very guilty about it (it was ridiculously amusing at the time though). For that reason, I've decided to redeem myself by joining the RSPCA.

Tuesday, 26 February

[12:50pm] Papa Lazarou did munch Stephen Ingram (Kal)

A hunch had I, a hunch. A hunch!
Kal I'd see this lunch. This lunch!
No one didst beat me to the punch,
So on his shoes I munch! MUNCH!! MUNCH!!!!

I left my exciting lab this morning and was just leaving the department when I was shot. At last I am dead; this assassin is truly a master as he could kill me when no one else could. It is a shame though as I still had some surprises left for the swat team. Oh well, maybe next time

[15:00pm] Agent Orange, Head of the Jungle Warfare Division didn't quite die to Al "Quiche-eater"

Police Report:
Officer: PC Orange
Date and Time: 15:00 Tuesday, 26th February
Location: Kings College, Tennis Court Road Hostel
Walking up Tennis Court road and noting with horror the hideous mass of greenery that forms the grounds of Downing College PC Orange sought comfort in one of the prettiest parts of Cambridge the old Addenbrooks site; a symphony of tarmac, concrete and brick devoid of any unsightly vegetation. Sadly PC Orange noted that even this beauty spot has been despoiled by moss and grasses growing in cracks in the tarmac and in a rage at this desecration he sought a vent for his anger on the form of one
Al "Quiche-eater". Through the haze of his anger Orange observed his targets open window and the light on inside. He quickly gained access to the hostel and knocked on the Al "Quiche-eater"'s door. Al "Quiche-eater" answered and in the split second as the door opened, Orange stepped back and fired his RBG hitting Al "Quiche-eater" in the arm, blood spurting from his arm Al "Quiche-eater" fired a reflex shot with his cap-gun sending a bullet searing past and only just missing Orange. In shock, ears ringing from the gunshots and covered in his targets blood Orange was initially unsure if he had been hit, and realising his target was only wounded not dead, he retreated to ascertain if he had been hit. Case remains open.

Agent Orange, Head of the Jungle Warfare Division knocked on my door, I prepared my cap gun, opened the door and fired as he fired his RBG, hitting my hand.

[16:00pm] The Wrong Trousers didn't blow up Jenny Hellfire

Following his previous two bombing failures, Wallace decided that he would endeavour to try harder. Thus a third pigeonhole bomb was constructed, far more subtle in construction than the previous designs. I cannot comprehend it's construction, I merely being a pair of TechnoTrousers, but it certainly seemed that Wallace had been learning some new tricks since subscribing to Bomber's Weekly. So it was that I was sent out this morning on my customary Tuesday morning bombing raid, equipped with the new device. I left it, as usual, in the appropriate pigeonhole, taking great care to do so, then left. Upon my return to 62 West Wallaby Street, I found that Gromit had performed a complex analysis to ascertain the chances of the bomb's success. He was leading Wallace through the derivation, when Wallace became impatient "Stop prevaricating round the bush, Gromit!" he said. At this, Gromit flicked through to the end; his calculations said that the bomb had 23.4% chance of success. "Not bad, Gromit" said Wallace, munching on some toast "Not bad."

But not good enough.

Today I saw a suspicious looking packet of peanuts in my pigeonhole.They were actually promoting a play, but they reminded me of my paranoia, which was just as well, since there was a letter bomb sitting next to them.

I nearly died of surprise that someone had bothered trying to kill me, but the letter bomb was a tad obvious and did me no harm. I am currently celebrating my survival with ginger cake.

[18:05pm] Captain Vash, Keeper of the Hallowed Doughnut didn't meet Deirdre McCloskey

Agent Orange and I had a trip to Tennis Court road, only to find that ben cumming was out. So we went and knocked on door 307, only to have it answer by a girl, whom we did not shoot, who seemed very surprised at having people pointing guns at her outside. Believing that this was not Roger Tamraz (apparently he had a supervision) we decided to leave quickly, and so went to sainsburies.

There was also an earlier, unsuccessful, raid on John's.

[21:00pm] PC Marwood Bramwell removed Susan Law (PC Alashandra)

Wandered in to the house, looking cool and calm. She looked at me and was stood next to a serious piece of equipment (Mario's pistol), but was unaware of my evil mission. I relaxed and sat down, and engaged in small talk about Steven Byers. (Note:- Now there is a man who deserves a BFRBG9000 where it hurts)

Then, as she lent away from the pistol, a made my move. My left hand moved through space towards it's natural home, the grip of my 9mm RGB, drew it, aimed, fired one telling shot and re holstered the gun before she had even touched the pistol that lay by her side.

One down, one more ex-G&P mafia cop to go.

Reward offered for Simon Ford

On behalf of EGA (Emmafia Godfather Association) I would like to offer two packets of biscuits for the death of the traitor and spy Simon Ford. This offer can be increased to 3 packets if his head (without the rest attached) is brought to me on a silver plate.

Robert Hiersemenzel

Wednesday, 27 February

[11:20am] Styx stared hard at PC Exquisite Corpse

His high exaltedness, the Great Pope John-John the 13th, had decreed that Alex Cairnes was to be terminated immediately. When told about this I thought, if that's right, he must not be allowed to escape. But escape would not be his plan. I had to face him. Alone. In time I would seek him out, and when I would, I would have to bring him out of G&P. He had grown strong. Only outside could I turn him into a corpse. He's more PVC now than man; twisted and evil. He stepped out and waved a weapon, but when he saw I had constructed a new lightsaber, he stood as if frozen in Carbonite in the no kill zone and didn't come out again.

Oh, a clarification - the front step of G&P is in bounds, but partially inside the door is not (This may or may not contradict past rulings, but I have now checked with Marwood exactly how much they own - and it doesn't include the step...)

[11:30am] Styx blow up, did not Yak

A long time ago, in a college far, far away... The Umpire was most displeased with the apparent lack of progress.
As a result a scruffy looking nerf herder entered a college. Mud hole, slimy... John's this is, but when nine hundred years old they reach, look as good my carrots will not.
He took a bomb from his bag and put the chosen one on the door, labelling it as 'The Fantam Menace'.
String leads to detonator. Detonator leads to Bomb. Bomb leads to Suffering.
Also note attached to bomb there is, slipped under door it is.
Take this note... Pick it up with all of your hand and your journey will be complete.

The nymph pimp thing tried to bomb me today. It was quite a clever bomb, as it had two links to the same detonator. One was the standard door attachment and the other was linked by fishing line to a leaflet. Unfortunately, he obviously didn't know that this practise of flyering people's doors is not allowed in john's, so i guessed there was a bomb. I opened the door from 5 meters away with a bit (long bit) of ribbon, and with 2 doors in the way. Unsuprisingly there was a bang, but only a 2 litre bomb (~4m radius). So i'm alive. BTW, why do people keep leaving me messages. G&P, i don't want a head in a box, and jenny, was iot really worth missing a lecture to not kill me?

[11:39am] Yak called for Papa Lazarou

I suppose i'd better stop being incompetant about now, so once again Papa Lazarou's door recieved a good knocking from me, but suprise, suprise he wasn't in. Does this guy ever visit his room? Methinks not.... Oh, well, back to square one...

[13:00pm] PC Investigator didn't know about Kal

I privately investigated three whole engineering lectures today in search of Kal, which has nothing to to with the fact I would have attended the lectures anyway. I waited outside at the end, asked if he was from Selwyn to make sure and shot him. Turns out he was dead already though. Looks like I need to get the facts straight before I investigate anyone else.

Private Investigator shot my dead corpse today. He came up to me and asked whether I was form Selwyn. I replied yes, he shot me.

[14:00pm] Snapdragon nearly bombed Hylas the Nymph Pimp, coincidentally, a SWAT raid also took place.

Today I was bored, so I decided to while away some time building a bomb for Hylas the Nymph Pimp.

It consisted of a large cardboard box, filled with around six or seven small devices, which can be triggered in the following ways:

Bomb the first : Move the box away from the wall
Bomb the second : Open the box
Bomb the third : Removing packaging at high speed
Bomb the fourth : Removing the head
Bomb the fifth through seventh : Standing on them.

(Note, bombs five, six and seven are intended purely for comedy value)

Finally, inside the box is approximately 1kg of the finest Columbian contact poison.

I left this package outside Hylas the Nymph Pimp's door at about 13.05 this afternoon. I then went and knocked for the John's incompetents, but they weren't in. I decided to back to Hylas the Nymph Pimp's room in the hope of catching him attempting to diffuse the bomb, but Lady Luck decided not to smile upon me, as he was just leaving his room as I entered the staircase, and he dived back into cover before I could fire upon him.
Oh well, better luck next time.

I woke up one morning, on the way to the shower and saw this bomb lying about. I can't be bothered to defuse it so i just left it there. As i opened my door to go for lunch half an hour later, 2 assassins came into my landing and i hastily returned to safety of my room. They then left.

After lunch i studied the 2.4l bomb, noticed that it was placed oh-so-close to the wall. I attached a cable to it, stood a distance behind the corner of a stone wall and pulled the cable.


It was also marked on the bomb that it contained poison. I donned my gloves and went up 3 floors of New Court with the bomb. The bomb was very light, probably contained cotton-filled bottles or balloons, so i thought it won't cause grievous harm if it fell on someone. I gave shout and dropped the bomb 3 floors down.


The box was filled with poison at the bottom, so i can't put it in my room. Should the owner want to collect it, it's opposite the men's toilet of B staircase, New Court.

At around the same time, Vash was busy:

(You see text scrolling backwards into the screen over a picture of Cambridge as seen from the air!)
A short time ago, in a college far, far away...
There was a great war, with the SWAT team valiantly struggling to relieve the oppresion of the evil Empire of the incompetents, and were asssited by other powers, fearing that they should have to face these themselves. (cuts to scene in games and puzzles,
Snapdragon creating a bomb) But some of these other powers had ulterior motives, and had to leave private packages for other members of the college however. But this was ignored by the naive members of the SWAT team who descended upon the bastion of incompetence know as Johns.
(Cue the imperial march, scene of a SWAT team entering Johns)
One member carrying a suspicious looking package breaks off and delivers it to the hall way outside of
Hylas the Nymph Pimp's room, then rejoins the main assault party. They then enter the staircase labelled as "G" and proceed to knock upon the door of Rose Fletcher. A neighbour leaves her own room, and nearly gets shot by Colonel Vash, but escapes unharmed, if a little disturbed...
Having recieved no answer, the team went to knock for
Yak, also finding him not home, though his door was covered in green post in notes from Innocent "I missed you again!" etc. Returning, and walking past the room of Hylas the Nymph Pimp we saw somebody emerging and Snapdragon motioned that it was an assassin and to get out of sight.

Unfortunatly not fast enough, and the said person turns around and proceeds to return back into his room. In an effort to prevent violence I fire a warning shot into the air with my cap gun, and motion for Snapdragon to retreat, which he did, though he didn't seem happy.

[15:40pm] Styx left a present for Al "Quiche-eater"

I can make the King's Street Run in less than twelve parsecs, so I managed to leave some presents in King's as well under the light of that bulb there.

Queen Emmentala now waits in Al "Quiche-eater"'s pigeon hole, difficult to disarm she is and if you choose the quick and easy path... you will become an agent of Emma.

Got a cheese bomb in my pigeonhole today. Watched neighbours. Watched diagnosis murder. Went back to pigeonhole, diffused bomb with paper, discarded.

Honoured to hear from Mario that this bunch of incompetents are 'not quite as incompetent as previous batches'

One persondong it is funny, two is just silly, right Snapdragon?

[16:10pm] Sir Sven O'Bjornchester Samuel J. McHolzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahoy! Wilson blew up a minion of Evelyn Knight

As the clock struck for the twenty-first time this day, Sir Sven O'Bjornchester Samuel J. McHolzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahoy! Wilson had just completed a hearty repast of not more than seventeen courses and decided he could stand no longer the current pollution of incompetents. One in particular claimed the status of a Knight, when clearly she was but a sea mammal, and naught but an slippery Seal at that.

Sir Sven spent some time in his room consuming a large flan, some fruit and a baked stool whilst preparing his deadly trap. 'Twas an trap ne'er dreamt of by mere mortals e'en in their wildest dreams of traps, and was cunningly, nay, cunningly even, disguised as an innocent packet of Bourbon Creams.

Resplendent in his Caius gown Sir Sven paraded along Trinity Street unto the blemish of St. John's where he deposited his trap in the appropriate pigeonhole and departed with ne'er the honking of a seal to disturb his work.

Hi, someone put a bomb in my pigeon hole. however because of my knee Kristina has been picking up my mail for me and was thus killed. I think it was labelled from the gonville and caius mafia. There was another one outside my door today but it was picked up and thrown away (it was a coke bottle) before I knew it was there, I saw it in Kristina's bin this afternoon, she thought someone was just being messy. She's now been killed twice. Also Raga and Rachel were a bit annoyed when they were threatened with guns in the kitchen/staircase/toilet. I being an ASNAC keep a slightly different timetable to people in more mainstream subjects which may explain why I tend not to be around when they are.

I'm afraid I shall have to thunderbolt you if any more non-players are killed collecting your mail.

Oh yes, the coke bottle; Styx:

Await dark fate her does. Unaware of her fate she is. Her faith in her mafia her weakness is.
A lucky Spystalker on a solo mission to lay her bomb left a few paper cut-out clones along with it. Labelled the bomb 'Diet Virgin Killer' is.
But as he was retreating through the garbage crusher, a voice spoke:"Don't be too proud of this techological terror you've constructed..."
Then the bomb exploded prematurely. Still, if everything else develops as foreseen, then the last of the incompetents
Rosemary Fletcher will be. But remember: "The Umpire is not as forgiving as I am.

[20:00pm] Hylas the Nymph Pimp killed the wrong person

I was walking back from Sainsbury's when i then thought it might be a better idea to walk along Green Street. I then saw PC Exquisite Corpse talking on his mobile phone outside the shop, for which i then proceeded to hurl my shuriken at him. It hit him square in the back, alas it was the wrong person. Oops.

For killing Lee, you are made wanted - kill 3 incompetent players to be redeemed, and expect attention from the SWAT team. Runner up status in the Dr. Kimble award is still available...

[20:30pm] Styx blew up Roger Tamraz (Deirdre McCloskey)

The ability to destroy a staircase is insignificant next to the power of a well-made pigeon hole bomb. May the fourth be with Roger Tamraz. I hope the incompetents will die honourably, but if any of them wish to beg for mercy, I will now hear their pleas.

It was a couple of days that I didn't check my pigeon hole. A massive amount of leaflets was lying there waiting to be collected. Suddenly, a loud noise and then I couldn't feel anything else.

I'm dead.

[23:00pm] General Colin Powell executed Alex Cairnes (PC Exquisite Corpse)

The exquisite corpse of wanted criminal and goth extraordinaire Alex Cairnes was found lying on the Green Street cobblestone pavement amid a pool of blood and splattered brains. Official report: Suspect was killed while trying to escape.


Having met Mario and Snapdragon in G&P at about 2300, we went to Johns, to try and find Rose Fletcher and Yak. They weren't home, though we did meet a girl who may or may not have been Rose at the bottom of the staircase. It was highly suspicious that both she and the person she was talking to ran off soon after we asked them if they knew Rose. apparently they were talkingg at the bottom of a staircase which was not their own. We then walked back to Games and Puzzles, however, Snapdragon went to call for a "friend" while I was tying my shoelace, who also wasn't home. We returned to G&P, where we talked until PC Exquisite Corpse decided to go out, and then got shot by General Colin Powell.

Thursday, 28 February

[11:15am] Agent Orange, Head of the Jungle Warfare Division dropped in on Al "Quiche-eater"

Police Report:
Officers: Agent Orange and the SWAT Team's Cheerleader-in-Chief Innocent Killer Bunny of Doom
Location: King's College Hostel, Tennis Court Road
Date and Time 11:15 Thursday 28th February
Details: Agent Orange was once again driven into a rage by the spread of unsightly greenery spring seems to be causing in Cambridge, and as Innocent Killer Bunny was feeling a little hungry; the obvious solution, kill an incompetent. To this cause Orange and Innocent proceeded to Tennis Court road hostel where a bedder had helpfully propped the door open and let them in. Reaching
Ben Cumming' door Innocent knocked and the response was that the door opened quickly and a handful of objects were thrown over towards the officers. Luckily all three missed and on examination appeared to be the remains of two grenades and a very sick and injured cat. The poor animal (according to it's collar named 'Rabid Bagpuss' was mewing pitifully and foaming at the mouth obviously very ill and badly hurt by it's fall, distressed by this obvious cruelty to animals Orange and Innocent as supporters of the 'Donut-Munching Widows' Fund for The Protection Of Small Furry Animals' felt it their duty to rescue this poor sick animal in order to take it for vetinary attention and deliver it into the able hands of these fine ladies. Running the risk of being shot Innocent gently moved the poor little cat out of the danger area and Orange then carefully picked it up by hooking a gun barrel through its collar (necessary in order to avoid the danger of its claws or teeth). Orange and Innocent then retreated but were soon accosted by the Hostel Keeper they had met on their way in who explained that Ben was requesting the return of his pet. Unwilling to bring the game into disrepute and in accordance with the rules Orange and Innocent were forced to surrender the cat which struggled and mewed desperately in futile attempt to avoid return to it's cruel owner. Orange feels that such cruelty to animals demands the maximum punishment for such evil mistreatment of animals;- Death. Case remains open.

While borrowing weapons for humanitarian reasons is something you may wish to consider, I remind you of the fate of David Chow.

Well, I was just hunkering down to do some work, and two strangers knocked on my door (I'm guessing Jenny and Tom). This time, to avoid any possible confusion, I readied my flock of killer beasts, and threw them out of the door as a veritable fusilade of band sunk into the wall beside me. Barely able to conceal his lust for human flesh, Killer-Bagpuss played dead, waiting for the Bunny to pick him up, at which point (surely?) he devoured her whole. I considered throwing more out, but they cowered behind the door, so I sat back down and waited for them to go. Which they did, taking Bagpuss, and then my enthusiastic bedder went to collect the now docile Cat, and Lo! brought it home.

But no, for the bagpuss is deadly only when in motion. How else were you able to hold the fearsome beast?


Agent Orange and I wandered over to Tennis Court Road and into the hostel, past the friendly cleaner. We then pointed many, many guns at the door and I knocked.


The cleaner came past and told us how much RBGs hurt. We looked a little sheepish.

I knocked again. Ben Cumming opened the door after a moment, and as I fired rapidly into the space hurled a grenade and a cat at us. Both missed and the door was slammed shut.

I hooked the cat up with my gun and we took it hostage. I don't much like cats, but it might have been useful, and I wouldn't have done anything *cruel* to it.... Agent Orange wouldn't have let me. The cleaner came wandering up with reinforcements (another cleaner). Cumming opened the door. I fired over the shoulders of the cleaners. We ran off with the cat- well, he had thrown it at us, and it would have been funny.

He then asked the cleaner to pursue us down the street and demand it back. We'd been rather pleased with our prize, but felt that authority's demands had to overrule us.

[11:29am] Yak blew up Stephen Shorter (PC Grandmaster Flash)

Today at 10 i set up a bomb outside the incompetenat johnian police officer Stephen Shorter. At approxamately 11.29 a resounding BOOM was heard throughout Merton court Cripps. On investigation, a found his mutilated body just inside an open door. Now there are two lesss incompetants in johns ^_^

Now I know how it feels to be a fugitive of the State. Now I can sympathise with the likes of the boy OJ Simpson and the like. Due to the intense demands of the SPS tripos (...) I was unfortunately made incompetent, and not much really could be done about it. After a few days of living in the shadows and watching every move I made, today sadly saw the end of my life as a Police Officer in a less than satisfying manner. Between the journey from my room to the shower (at least a five second walk) my room was mercilessly booby trapped. Upon my return, I carelessly opened my door in a brash manner, leaving myself only time to mutter some witty last quote (it escapes me now) before being splattered all over the far wall by a bomb I later learned this device had been placed by Yak, thus rendering him back in the game. He'd better pray he doesn't come across me again or else I'll show him how to yakking play the yakking game...

[12:00pm] Hylas the Nymph Pimp shot the legs of SWAT Cheerleader-in-Chief Innocent Killer Bunny

1000 hours

The air is filled with excitement. 3 supervisions and an expect a SWAT team to pay a visit.

1200 hours

SWAT team knocks on door. Ignored. SWAT team attaches string to my door to keep it open just in case i open it. I kept it closed. Fired through gap in door, saw it hit SWAT Cheerleader-in-Chief Innocent Killer Bunny. I skipped lunch, didn't feel hungry anyway.

Then we met Agent Wages of Sin and decided to cooperate with him. We went to John's with Marwood, Colonel Vash and Snapdragon. An explosive Post-It was put on PC Nocturne's door by myself and Wages of Sin.

In order to show Wages of Sin our efficient SWAT routine, we hung around laughing noisily for a bit and then visited Hylas the Nymph Pimp. He didn't come out when we knocked. The door might have been unlocked. I stood outside the door covering Wages of Sin as he attached string to the door handle. A bullet came out of a slit in the door and followed a curious, low-energy downwards trajectory right in front of my eyes. This was alarming. We ran off.


we proceeded to knock for cambridge's most wanted man, who apparently wasn't home. We then proceeded to see if Rose fletcher was home. She wasn't so we left a "special device"(detailed below) outside her room. next up was Yak, also apparently not home, or if he was, Marwoods "Jedi mind powerers" weren't up to much "If he comes out the door now while you're setting that bomb...."; "Lets go! Go! Go!". Hoiwever the target did nt appear. So next we knocked on some doors in F staircase, again no answer - could the loud noise the SWAT team was making have tipped them off?

Well, on our way out of Johns we made a lot of noise outside of Mr Esa's door, and when Jenny Chase apporachd some rubber bands emerged from theslit in the door. However they can only go downwards and then not far, though we think Jenny Chase may have lost a leg, so had to "hop along" home.

Agent Wages of Sin:

When I was growing up, a novice assassin, my parents told me about the world, and I believed them. And one of the things I had always believed without questioning was that the police force of this city were true, noble and efficient. I had no reason to believe anything else. Until I made my SWAT team debut yesterday that is.

I met up with a couple of the force's finest at the end of my lectures, and they told me they were looking for Yak. I somehow managed to keep a straight face in telling them that they were in totally the wrong subject, and due to my "expert knowledge" of the Baby Seals, I was invited to join the team for an afternoon excursion. While it was a pleasure to assist the force in trying to eliminate the incompetent/crimnal Seals, I was forced to reassess my opinion of the local team. For as we proceeded to Hylas the Nymph Pimp's room, it was clear that there was little stealth or sublety within the team, and the real achievement would be stopping Marwood and Jenny from killing each other (or punching each other in the jaw etc...) So after loudly alerting Muhammad Esa to our presence, we moved on, and left a nice big bomb outside Evelyn Knight's room. The next stop was the room of incompetent police oficer PC Nocturne, and Jenny and I proceeded to write him a note with a detonator and poison, and a few more detonators under the door. I'm not sure what the others were doing, but it mainly seemed to involve pointing guns at each other, or at us. Thankfully we escaped, and decided to apply the crafty approach to entice Muhammad Esa to leave him room. However, whenh we asked him to come out to be killed, he politely declined. So I atached some rope to his door, while Jenny tried to see through it. Suddenly there was a yelp of surprise/pain from Agent Innocent herself, as a rubber band-shaped bullet lay before her. After a long discussion about whether it hit, with Marwood being the only person who said that it did, we called it a leg wound. Although the slit in the door it was fired through was so small it must have been an indirect hit anyway from the door. So we happily walked off into the afternoon knowing that we were all still comrades together in the force, and I snuk home to watch some old police videos of how it should be done. Even Extremis did better than this!

[13:00pm] Styx didn't poison Papa Lazarou

I just delivered a cunning poisoned letter to Papa Lazarou.

Papa Lazarou has a slightly dodgy letter, but I think it's ok despite the sellotape on the back. Nevertheless, the post mark should probably be checked.

[13:00pm] Inconspicuous tried to blow up Sir Sven O'Bjornchester Samuel J. McHolzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahoy! Wilson

Having been somewhere, and on my way to elsewhere, I stopped by Caius College to leave Sir Sven O'Bjornchester Samuel J. McHolzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahoy! Wilson a somewhat explosive present (but only after soliciting help in finding the frankly ludicrously placed pigeonholes), which I hope he enjoys in a rather terminal manner. I then disappeared inconspicuously into the night.

In the middle of the afternoon, Sir Sven O'Bjornchester Samuel J. McHolzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahoy! Wilson finally left his breakfasting room. Concorde, his trusty page, had earlier interrupted Sir Sven's gustation of a platter of orangutan sweetbreads to tell him he had received several messages, so our valiant hero now walked quickly to the Ivory Tower where he spent several minutes in the China Throne room looking forth from the windows to determine that no one was watching his castle.

He soon ventured to the dovecotes, sure that he would be almost as safe there as in the throne room. His messages included several annoying pieces of paper (which he promptly discarded) and one CD case, delivered by his favourite stool pigeon, Speckled Jim.

"Ahoy!" said Sir Sven, "I suspect only the evil and devious Inconspicuous would send me a CD," and he promptly retreated to the throne room for several hours, where he devised a way to deal with the potential threat.

When he emerged, he felt in need of a brief repast. His choice of the Hall of Keys was possibly a bad one, but Sir Sven's stomach was inured to its rigours after many a visit there.

Once more fortified, Sir Sven drew a discarded epistle from the floor of the dovecotes and folded it into the shape of a crocodile. I don't know why he did this. He then found a discarded missive and folded it to form a triangular prism. With this cunning implement, he carefully moved the CD case. Nothing happened. He tried again, this time lifting the case and dropping it about an inch. Again nothing happened.

Rapidly becoming worried about this interesting device, he tried one more test: he dropped it from the window of the dovecote. Our hero was in luck as when the case hit the floor many chains below it fragmented into many pieces with a loud cracking sound.

But "Alack!" he cried, for Sir Sven discovered that the fabled Speckled Jim had been eating from his favourite tree, immediately beneath the dovecote, and had been crushed by the falling case.

But 'twas not not over 'til Sir Sven had vowed revenge on Inconspicuous for the death of his feathered friend. Then 'twas over.

[13:30pm] Agent Don Vito didn't blow up PC Nocturne

A sorry story for all involved I'm sure... It just seemed like any other Cambridge day. Biting winds, squawking geese, much overdue work etc etc. So off to the library I scurried, blissfully unaware of the carnage that would ensue. Little did I know, but merely a floor beneath me my dear friend PC Grandmaster Flash was annihilated not once, but twice by a bomb, then some vagrants busting into his room and executing him again, for good measure. Sensing alarm in the air, but not able to put an exact sweaty finger on it yet, I stayed put in the library, thinking of how being an incompetent police officer would very quickly decrease my life expectancy. And so the saga unfolds... I allowed my keys to a good friend of mine, a non-player, and the rest is hearsay from a corpse... Apparantly Agent Don Vito had left a note on my door very politely requesting me to be in attendance next time they try and kill me, and left some mines all over the floor of my room. Behind this said post-it note was a clever contraption designed to kill whoever removed it. Sadly, and most devastatingly, my innocent, and respected friend was blown apart not once, but twice, for nothing worse than wanting to use my computer. The damn insincerity of this world. So I was to enter my room 20 minutes later and see his bloodied and dismembered corpse lying on the floor in my room, with just enough breath in his lungs to recount this woeful tale. Let it be known that PC Nocturne is most definately alive, and kicking. Vengeance will be mine...

Erm... she died a while back.

You might want to ask your neighbours not to toy with notes addressed to you. I do suggest that the police force uses landmines slightly less liberally in the future.

PC Horseshoe Shaped Thingy:

heard an explosion on the floor above mine. Went to investigate; found the corpse of a non player Johnian who had come to Michael's room to play on his computer and had been blown up by a bomb left by Marwood, treading on some snaps and pulling an exploding notice off the door. However the intended victim of the bomb was nowhere to be found.

[15:00pm] Styx got another neighbour of Evelyn Knight

"My Lord, we have completed our search of John's and found nothing. If Rosemary Fletcher went to lectures, she'll be on the other side of the town by now."
"Alert all commands. Calculate every possible destination along her last known trajectory."
"Yes, my Lord. We'll find her."
"Don't fail me again."

I am the right kind of scum for this job: fearless and inventive. Now Jaffa the Hutt is awaiting Evelyn Knight in her pigeon hole.

I've had two attempts to bomb me today and have managed to be present when neither of them were set off. There was a packet of Jafa cakes in my pigeon hole which apparently went off when Sorin picked them up, as you know my friends are collecting my mail at the moment because of my knee. They are getting a good supply of free chocolate, but none of these parcel bombs have got near me. Well they don't know they're bombs as they are not in the habit of reading my mail, they only find out when it makes noises at them. Someone planted another one outside my door today and it gave Raga a nasty shock when it went off and a plastic head appeared, why they proded it I don't know but apparently they set it off. I only found out about it on the phone hours later. They've killed in one day Kristina, Raga and Sorin.

The bomb was related to one of the SWAT raids that day.

[16:00pm] PC Horseshoe Shaped Thingy called for Yak

As well as having been vistied by some rabid rabbit thing and those wierdos at G&P, PC Horseshoe Shaped Thingy appears to have payed me a visit, with malicious intnet. I quote, "The truce is off. Prepare to die." It appears the Baby seals are no more...

Or possibly that an upstanding member of the police force is not affiliated with them? This would be rarher wrong, after all.

[18:00pm] Hylas the Nymph Pimp shot the legs of Agent Don Vito

1400 hours

First supervision, then second one thenafter. Returns to room.

1800 hours

Walking along corridor, saw Agent Don Vito. Air stands still for what seemed like eternity. Started taunting each other with stares. I start to run back towards Cripps. Agent Don Vito, in his gait, chased after me.

Turned sharp left, then stopped halfway and withdrew weapon. Agent Don Vito, in his gait running in a straight direction, proved to be a sitting duck. Shot Marwood in the leg while strafing, he shouted "oh f**k!" before he collapsed. Ran across Cripps Court before leaving John's.

1900 hours

Saw Agent Don Vito and friends as i left Trinity. He turns in my direction, i throw grenade at hand as i panicked. "That's him!", says he. No time to draw gun, still panicking, started to run, slips in the rain, falls with a crash. Ouch.

Pick myself up, run towards my room followed by another assassin. Starts to get tired by Bridge of Sighs, draws weapon, plan for ambush. Looks back. Not followed anymore.

Once again, the Swat team and Snapdragon raid John's.

Hylas the Nymph Pimp this time was caught in the open, as I was in close survalence of someone I thought was him, but wasn't.

As he stood in the doorway of new court I saw the look in his eyes as he decided on a new master plan to best me this time. He reached into his long black coat, which seems to serve a s imple but effective way of hiding his vast arsenal of innocent killing equipment, reaching for so item of world ending doom.

He drew a RBG.

I reached for my own weapon and then saw fear in his mind. Hylas the Nymph Pimp decided on a plan for which, by the end of the evening I would be more aware of. I was throw for a second, a master innocent killer infront of me, as I waited to see what masterstroke he was about to perform. The Baby Seal's own, triple lutz with a half pike hip fire? The triple bluff, under the coattails, Stienway? Maybe he had perfected the three wall boast shot I had heard he had dedicated over 30 hours of training of since Xmas alone. Or maybe, and I quaked as I realised I was facing the master of the technique, the JMC-but-I'm-really-his-roommate move. Yes that would be it, With the cover no more than 4m away, and 4 bystanders, I had infat walked into a classic JMC-b-I-r-h-r deathtrap! I tensed y shoulders and prepared to face my doom.

This did leave me totally UN-prepared for him to "Run-Like-an-Esa".


I raced towards his departing shape, safe in the knowledge that Snapdragon and the Swat team would likewise be closing in. They weren't. Infact, in the epic gun battle that ensued I lost both my keecaps!

My damaged body, broken but not beaten, was carried to watch an hour of waiting for Hylas the Nymph Pimp, who refused to return to his room.

However, on our way back to base, a new threat emerged, and ANOTHER G&P staff member fell to the Esa assult. On our way past Trinity he decended upon us like the night itself, launching another missle and striking Woz, who bled out within seconds. Hylas the Nymph Pimp's rapidly fleeing form left no doubt as to the identity of the mad innocent slayer.

Agent Don Vito

[18:00pm] Captain Vash, Keeper of the Hallowed Doughnut and Snapdragon also in John's

Before going to a meeting of a certain soceity, I proceeded with Marwood, Snapdragon, PC Wages of Sin, and a "Spectator" to the castle of EVIL known as "Johns". There we engaged in mortal combat with Mr. Esa and waged an epic campaign of retaliation against the incompetents living there. Oh, and we even paid a visit to Horseshoe shaped thingy, who unfortunatly had to go to a supervision. First we knocked on the doors of the Cripps court targets, to no avail. We then went to another part of Johns, where we "ran into" Mr. Esa, or rather we see a figure see us and sprint off. Unfortunatly for him, Marwood gave chase (no not that kind of Chase!) to him, ending in a conforntation in the middle of Cripps court, where Mr Esa retreated to just outside the range of his RBG and proceeded to fire it at Marwood, somehow taking his legs off. Marwood apparently ineffuctually returned fire, but after Mr Esa ran off and was chased a bit more, we gave up and produced heavy weapons from our bags, and then proceeded to camp in Mr. Esa's staircase. Alas, for when we got bored we again ran into him, or rather he ran off again. So we waited a bit longer before going home. as we were walking past trinity Great gate, a figure splits off from the wall and proceeds to attack us, catching us flat footed. However his throwing star took out the "spectator", and he then proceeded to run off. Marwood proceeded to follow him, before he gave up after realising that he in fact still had no legs.

Went to John's with the swat team, left a bomb for Rosemary, knocked on a few doors. Left an improvised device on one of the doors. Went to see Esa, talked to him for a while, Jenny nearly got shot, but we think he missed. In all fairness it was through his mail hole, which is quite small. We don't think that she is dead.

Saw Esa twice. First time Marwood shot at him, but was hit it the legs. Second time I chased him for a while but couldn't really be bothered. Visited rest of John's incompetent's, they weren't in. Got bored, went home.

[21:00pm] PC Horseshoe Shaped Thingy's gun jammed in the general direction of Jenny Hellfire

I Saw Abigail Baker in New Hall bar and shot at her with Rubber Band gun. Unfortunately the gun jammed (now I see why some people reload every morning) and she ran off; I didn't have any more ammo with me so I had to give up for the evening.

Agent Wages of Sin:

I met up with Agent Horseshoe Shaped Thingy in New Hall bar, and he informed my that Jenny Hellfire was standing nearby. As he had no weapons on him, I gladly offered my colleague the use of my own, and we crept towards her. He fired, and I turned away in anticipation of an unpleasant sight, but the new colour scheme for the walls never came about; neither of us had seen that the gun was loaded incorrectly, thus jamming. The incompetant lives on, and I had an open-ended and not too pleasant discusion with Agent Horseshoe Shaped Thingy about whose responsibilty it was to check the gun. The careless fool.

PC Horseshoe Shaped Thingy and Agent Wages of Sin had a go at shooting me at New Hall pub quiz on thursday night. Stuart Moore shot an RBG at me at point-blank range, my life as an assassin flashed before my eyes, but nothing followed the click, so I dove into the crowd and out of range.

Friday, 01 March

[00:00am] Muhammad Esa (Hylas the Nymph Pimp) committed suicide

I hereby commit hara-kiri, to retain my honour as an assassin of noble lineage. My death haiku:

Now as a spirit
I shall roam
The lake of nymphs

[00:00am] Rosemary Fletcher (Evelyn Knight) thunderbolted

Despite repeated warnings, Rosemary Fletcher continued to lose neighbours at an unreasonable rate to the assorted attempts made on her - she then failed to respond to my call for justification.

As a result, I had little choice.

[02:30am] Generalfeldmarschall Herr Kolin Pöwell used what might be considered excessive amounts of explosive to kill off James Bowe (PC Bob)

PC Bob was made corrupt for presenting the following 'evidence' of Generalfeldmarschall Herr Kolin Pöwell's corruption to the Umpire:

Upon leaving the Umpire's stairwell, he was coshed, and executed in a manner, the full scale of which escapes me, but which apparently involved a nuke. Generalfeldmarschall Herr Kolin Pöwell sent this picture:

Corrupt cops, beware.

PC Bob28th February 2002:
(6:30) Ok so I'm about to do it, I just hope this works or I'm in a hell of a lot of trouble. I paid Snut a hell of a lot of Jaffa cakes for that picture, I just hope it was worth it.
(11:55) Vash just phoned Generalfeldmarschall Herr Kolin Pöwell and told him about the picture, I'd better leave, fast.

1st March 2002
(1:00) Errm, what the hell is going on?, I seemed to be slumped against a rugby post, I remember hanging around, chatting to Mario and then leaving, there was a butt of a rifle or something and then I'm here.
Vash and Mario seem to be chatting something about untangling the rope before they brought the package here. I'd shoot them or run or something but I'm comfortable and my guns are gone, hey a glowing blue ball!, I wonder what happens if I try and head-butt it.
(1:45) Ok, I'm tied to the Rugby post again, my head hurts where I think the glowing ball must have hit, hard, Vash seems to be running,
Mario's taking pictures, now he's running. Why are they running. Oh, yeah, the nuke.
(1:55) Ok I'm loose, I should probably run or something but hell, I can defuse this thing. Hmmm... what did Vitenka say about trying to remove the control computer from the thermonuclear device, meh, probably doesn't matter. Hey look, this clock is five minutes slow, well, we can soon fix that.


Sie cop PC Bob vas trying to make Generalfeldmarschall Herr Kolin Pöwell vanted. It vas how do vou say it... "unfourtunate" that he van into ze butt of PC Bob's vifle on his way out of ze door. He awoke next to a large bomb we needed testing. He died. There is now a large crater in Jesus. I hope they don't realise that it vas ve who caused it.

Oh yes, I found the Will of PC Bob:

I PC Bob am unforgiving and mean and thus declare the following to be my last will and testement, I wish it to be kept secret until my death:

1.1 Anyone who kills the person who kills me gets a Chocolate Orange (max reward: 1 chocolate orange)

1.2 If I am killed as a corrupt Policeman by a police officer then in addition to the above reward then the person who kills the Chief of Police at the time of my death (or should the officer who kills me not be loyal to the CoP the head of the mafia/organisation the officer who killed me is loyal to) gets a chocolate orange also. (max reward 1 Chocolate Orange in addition to any other rewards from other clauses in this will)

The chocolate oranges are in my posession, and are on the head of Generalfeldmarschall Herr Kolin Pöwell. There are outstanding another chocolate orange, and a packet of jaffa cakes on the head of Vash.

[13:00pm] Simon James Ford didn't letter-bomb Al "Quiche-eater"

Al "Quiche-eater" was not in. I read the news, ate my lunch, whistled the whole score of 'HMS Pinafore' and still he wasn't in. Thus I was forced to manufacture a little homemade explosive device and deposit it into his pigeonhole.

recieved a letter bomb yesterday, took it to my room today. Clever little contraption with a cap and spring - but obvious and visible. Also the envelope was poor. Opened it safely from a distance using long things. Lived. Will re-use the contraption I think.

[19:45pm] Flash Cougar removed Michael Anderson (PC Nocturne)

Just a little note about a raid on John's, undertaken at about 7:45 this evening. Myself, Agent Bulldog and the Cattac payed a visit to Michael Anderson; I banged on the door, retreated to a safe distance, and when it was opened let rip with an RBG. Ah, the satisfaction of someone who opens their door when asked.


We (myself, David Owens, Dan Drodge) had arrived at Johns about 10 minutes earlier, and proceeded to Rosemary Fletcher's room, on the grounds that we couldn't quite remember who the other incompetent was, because I'd forgotten to check before we left. Rosemary wasn't in.

So we looked back up F-staircase, and I saw a name - Michael Anderson - that I recognised. So we went up to his room. The lights were on. That was good. There were voices. That too was good. There were many voices. That was not good. We didn't have any pictures, so we had a problem.

We retreated to the kitchen, and discussed our options. Having decided that the best way was the old bang-on-the-door-and-run-away approach, Flash Cougar bravely did this. Just as he was leaving, the door opened. Flash Cougar fired a number of shots with his RBG at a range of a few metres.

Myself and Dan were hiding round a corner, so did not see this happen. We asked Dave if he'd hit, and he said something like "I think so, but I'm not sure - I might have winged him." We decided the best option was obviously to discuss the attempt. But Mr. Anderson refused to talk to us, and just ignored us. So we left, fearing mafia reprisals. We tried Rosemary's door again, but a neighbour said that she wasn't in. So we left.

He wasn't sure, either - but on balance, I'll call it a kill.

[20:11pm] Agent Orange, Head of the Jungle Warfare Division tried to bomb Jenny Hellfire

Police Report:
Officer: Agent Orange
Location: Newhall, Cambridge
Date and Time: 20:11 Friday the 1st March
Details: In an attempt to remove the incompetent
Jenny Hellfire, Agent Orange was sent on a bombing mission to Newhall. The B52 ride was swift but negotiating the superb antiaircraft defences proved difficult and the heavily guarded entrances necessitated running the gauntlet of heavy fire from a pair of porters, luckily broadcasting a university card IFF signal convinced them not to fire and entrance into protected airspace was achieved. Identifying the target proved difficult but an airtraffic control radio channel identified by the electronic warfare pod while passing through the porters lodge enabled first a flight past the bar in case of an opportunity to shoot down the target, then a flight to the general target area where radar was able to easily pick up the target door. Once found Agent Orange was released and flowed along the corridor to pool at the door. A High Explosive bomb was dropped against the door and sub-munitions (in the form of a leaflet set with explosive and covered in dioxin poisons from its association with agent orange) laser guided into the gap beneath the door with the aim of removing enemy troops picking it up. A further bomb in the form of an anti-tank flour bomb was found to be malfunctioning leaking explosive into the bomb-bay and as such, had to be ejected injuring no-one but leaving a small crater in the floor and spraying the corridor in fragments. Unfortunately the dropping of Agent Orange on Newhall had unexpected consequences with many of the trees outside being leafless at the end of the bombing run. The grass was less seriously affected but definitely showed signs of browning in places.

The attempt was thwarted by later police action...

[21:20pm] Papa Lazarou left a literary bomb for Al "Quiche-eater"

Obble obble.

Aip laced abuk datreel iwasa next plod inkbokkin alkie sheeter's pidgen olé. Eye hop e-days!

Recieved tempting invitation to die at the hands of Simon Ford. Declined. Recieved two more gifts in my pigeonhole this evening, one terry pratchet bomb; easily visible and easily diffused,

[21:30pm] Sir Sven O'Bjornchester Samuel J. McHolzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahoy! Wilson left a hospital bomb for Al "Quiche-eater"

one NHS bomb; would have been great, except I had already checked my p/hole this evening, and I don't think there's a 7pm post.

[23:45pm] PC Horseshoe Shaped Thingy made a slightly unusual attempt on Jenny Hellfire

Last night I was roaming new hall. Some alcohol was involved so details are a little sketchy. However, I decided at about 11:45 to make an attempt on Jenny Hellfire, so I went along lightly armed (4 guns) to knock on her door.

When I got there I discovered there was a bomb on her door, which meant I couldn't knock on it. It seemed like a good idea to disarm the bomb so that I would be able to kill her. I realise this logic only works when dissolved in alcohol, but I can provide plenty of witnesses to state that was the case.

There were two devices: one a note half under the door, the other a couple of apple juice carton shaped explosive containers. The note (a letter bomb) I delt with by gingerly pokeing it with Sheila's butt, and then grabbing the detonator and preventing it from closing, removing the cap. The letter was covered in a white powder, but more through luck than judgement none had got on my hands.

I then turned to the apple juice bomb. Using an insanely long pice of toilet roll, and after several attempts at knot tieing I finally was able to pull the bugger away from the door. The toilet roll caught the detonator so it did not explode, although no cap was found on this. Guessing there may have been a detonator underneath as well, all the explosive was let out of the cartons by puncturing them with a key. I then went to find a mop from the kitchen, soaking up the explosive carefully. Once they had been drained, considerably reducing blast radius of said bomb, it was knocked over with the end of the mop only to find there was no detonator underneath.

I then cleared up all this mess before knocking on Jenny Hellfire's door. Unfortunately she was not answering. So I left.

I realise that my actions may not have been entirely productive, but they were well intentioned, and I am quite impressed that I managed to survive two bombs whilst barely able to focus on them. I request a transfer to the drunken bomb squad.

Could I publically thank the senior police who have leant me their high callibre water weaponry? Trinity very much enjoyed it this morning. That'll teach them to sing "I'd rather be at Oxford than at Johns". (The only reason Trinity great court isn't littered with bodies is the fact it was an official boat club meeting).

Then last night while I was eating toast and magical, multi-purpose jam with a friend, I recieved the following text message from my intelligence network (ok then, my neigbour):

"Hiya. There's a bomb outside your door. 3.5M radius, it says. We could have detonated it already I don't know the rules. Thought you might like to know"

On returning to my college (at about 2 AM) my companion and I found no bomb, on my door, but a ridiculous number of post-it notes. One from my neighbours wishing me luck with defusing the bomb. Then several from a couple of friendly ghosts and/or confused policemen who had decided (drunkenly by the look and content of the notes) to help me out by removing both the bomb and also a poisoned letter bomb. We certianly found no evidence of either device.

There was something suspicious looking under my door, which we removed carefully to discover it was a rubber band. Not one of mine, I suspect they've been breeding again.

I'm thoroughly confused, but still alive.


Produced at Sat Mar 16 22:59:37 2002