Interesting Email

Here are a number of emails which made me laugh at the time - I can't be bothered to go through and explain the context, so I guess many will remain forever a mystery... Oh well.

Date: Sat, 19 Jan 2002 16:26:41 +0000 (GMT)
From: Sally Clough 
To: The Umpire 
Subject: Re: Signup for the Lent 2002 Assassins game

> You also have to put a lable on there somewhere... I suggest inside.

I have to lable my lorry with the word "lorry"?  Aaw, Tom... meanie...

> As regards water weapons - may I suggest simply saying 'no water', much less
> hassle for Cathy. (And it means that I won't need to explain to your
> assassins exactly which room is yours...

ok, ok, no then.  I think I'd be invincible if I didn't know so many
people - they can't get me in my room, because it has Cathy guarding it,
and they can't get me at David's because it's great shelford :-)


From: "Matthew Lohse" To: "Tom Garnett" Subject: Re: Umpire in da house, man. Date: Mon, 14 Jan 2002 13:49:03 -0000 Can I use bottles of the Corpus label Red Wine as poison (giving them to my targets still unopened)? It already tastes bad so no additive like Tabasco sauce is needed in my opinion. Matt

Date: Sun, 20 Jan 2002 19:03:46 -0000 From: Sender: To: The Umpire Subject: Re: Signup for the Lent 2002 Assassins game AHA! (you will be surprised to hear from me, I know.) > Full name: Edward Wallace > College: Gonville & Caius > Address: Q11 Tree court > Pseudonym: The Axeman of Choice > Email: > Are water weapons allowed in your room? : No You ain't half fiddled with the rules....which has got to help, if it stops silly incidences involving accomplices and police officers and zombies and so forth. The problem being that there is no limit to the pedantry of Cambridge students. Good luck to you. And some weapons licensing requests: 1) A lemon on the end of a stick. Equivalent to a mace. Could be labelled "mace" or, pleeeease, "Zorn's Lemon". on the handle. Will kill if I hit someone on head or torso with it. 2) Could I label a blade "Dedekind Cutter" and it be legal? 3) put a bookmark or other piece of card in a book, sticking out. label it "bayonet": same as for knives, just better concealed. 4) One of the old Beano-esque fake arrows or fake saws designed to go over someone's head and make it loo like they have an arrow/saw through their head. very droll. If I were to put one of these in the requisite position on someone's head, could this count as a kill? Obviously would be more amusing if I had an accomplice with a camera. Many Thanks, Ed

Date: Wed, 23 Jan 2002 05:46:45 -0800 (PST) From: Hannah Burton Subject: Re: Umpi-res just wanna have fu-un! :) To: The Umpire Oooh thats you mean no-one need know I'm a mathmo...thats fabuluous! > > Hi Tommy - can I play?! > > For you, m'dear, anything... ;-) Anything, you say - well thats awfully sweet of you and I shan't forget the contract you've just committed yourself to! - Tommy, you're a star! :) Wuv. H > Power tends to corrupt, but absolute power is > kinda neat! Is that so...well might I suggest diluting it by sharing it with a friend....such as my good self...?!

Date: Thu, 24 Jan 2002 22:36:36 +0000 (GMT) From: Ed Nokes X-X-Sender: To: "T.M. Garnett" Subject: Signup Dear mr umpire, i am an unexperienced first year who would like to play in this assassins game, it sounds like fun. i have a cap gun and some minute toxic sea urchins with a high coefficient of restitution which might be handy to throw. i hope im not too late to play. my details: Name: Ed. Noakes Address: U5/6 Tree Ct. College: Caius Pseudonym: Sir Sven =D8'Bj=F8rnchester Samuel J. McH=F8lzhauer Yirteen-= blimps-ah=F8y! Wils=F8n Water status: Yes in bedroom and corridor, no in living room. Oh, the pseudonym is different to that of Ralph... spot the '=F8' character= s. -Ed

Date: Sun, 27 Jan 2002 20:22:16 +0000 (GMT) From: David Chow X-X-Sender: To: The Umpire - Tom Garnett Subject: Johannes Is there something wrong with Johannes's reports, or are they deliberately unintelligible? If it's deliberate, could you provide a translation?

From: "Stephen Ingram" To: "'The Umpire'" Subject: Extremis Date: Sun, 27 Jan 2002 22:25:15 -0000 Are police officers allowed in Mafia Groups providing that there are no wanted criminals in the group and that they do not break any other rules? Kal -----Original Message----- From: The Umpire [] Sent: 27 January 2002 18:34 To: Stephen Ingram Subject: Re: [Assassins] Target update > What is the procedure for verifying whether they have died? They will report the attempt. -- Tom Garnett - Umpire - Power tends to corrupt, but absolute power is kinda neat!

Date: Sun, 27 Jan 2002 22:12:17 +0000 (GMT) From: David Chow X-X-Sender: To: The Umpire Subject: Re: Fw: Something for you... The offer will be increased to 0.6kg if he's still alive by 1100 on Tuesday. If necessary, I'll ask the banks for financing something greater, although nowhere near as much as what the leader of the free world has on your own head. DD On Sun, 27 Jan 2002, The Umpire wrote: > Dear Mr Chow, > > I see you put a price on Mr Nordstroms head. Well Well. A > Terrorist is, of course, no bounty hunter, my goals are much more > than just biscuits. However, as one terrorist does not normally > tolerate another, I feel we might be able to have a deal: if you > increase your offer to 0.6k, it could be very likely that much the > same as what happened to Mr Ashry will happen to him. > > Yours in Terror, > > The Internationally Wanted Top Terrorist

Date: Mon, 28 Jan 2002 16:17:11 -0000 From: Sender: To: The Umpire Subject: Re: Fw: OH! Mario told me. Cowards, us? I've asked Bjoern if he wants to be redeemed now or if he wants to kill some more people first. I have to consider it damage limitation, really, and if he just goes out and does it again because there are still emmafiosos left there won't be any point. I think Rosie is also suffering stress. In each case, the additional pressure of being wanted is not helping with their recovery, and we should be extremely sympathetic to their psychological need not to be hunted. I like the idea of Mario taking the blame, too, since everyone knows he's the bad cop..... Jenny

Date: Mon, 28 Jan 2002 17:36:43 -0000 From: Sender: To: The Umpire Subject: Re: Clean the slate? >> Hey, sounds like Johannes had reason to be suspicious...... and he's >> *tried* to kill some cops, plus he hasn't killed anyone not a legal >> target except maybe Iain MacDonald. He's probably a nice guy, should we >> do a massive coverup operation and redeem him too, while we're at it? > > I think he's rather enjoying it, actually... I think I can safely assume that, given that I have 20 emails from "ass.@cam...... titled "death" and consisting (well, I haven't read them all, but the first few seem consistent.....) of y0u H4v3 G0Ne TO0 f4r Th1S t1ME Hmmm, I wonder who that could be? > > On top of that, what grounds? His was not mafia-related. Well, on the grounds of reasonable suspicion that the guy was assassinating someone.... But given my inbox, maybe not. Avada

Date: Tue, 29 Jan 2002 08:12:05 -0000 From: Sender: To: The Umpire Subject: Humph! >>I think we can all agree that this man is a credit to the force. It seems a shame that his commanding officer is apparently in bed with dangerous mafioso. (Figuritivly speaking, of course - I don't wish to imply anything about her personal life.) What is the CUPD to do? You bastard!

Date: Wed, 30 Jan 2002 10:51:12 +0000 (GMT) From: "B.Holzhauer" X-X-Sender: To: The Umpire - Tom Garnett Subject: poisoned letter to Peter McIntyre One of my two new pseudonyms shall be Guitar Dave shot his target and neighbour Bjoern Holzhauer (Ma Baker), then he ------------------------------------- (Can you manage to put that report up before 5pm? It doesn't really matter if the target hasn't sent a report, because the letter is horribly useless anyway. But ideally put it up after having been to Clayton's funeral, because everyone will be asking you about it otherwise.) Under this pseudonym I report the following ([10:00]): -------- -------- I am pleased to report that I eliminated one of the most dangerous and nefarious assassins. I simply shot him. With his reputation I had really expected it to be more difficult, but he just didn't expect it, probably because I live next door to him. He had no clue that he was a legal target for me and I think he didn't know I had signed up for this game. Let it be known that Guitar Dave is not afraid of the Caius Mafia! My bloodlust was not yet satisfied and I made another cunning attempt. Peter McIntyre has received a deadly poisoned letter seemingly from Oxford. I eagerly await confirmation of my success. --------- --------- Notes ----- Note that this report is entirely truthful, Ed Clayton was both dangerous, criminal-minded and a pretty much legal kill. Webster's defines 'next door to' as "[...] b. in a position of proximity; near to [...]" and as everyone knows Emma is just a short walk away from Caius. The Emmafia Intelligence is so poor that he maybe didn't know I was playing (just consider the 'Who is Pope John-John?' occasion). It also turned out to be easier than I thought. As he said himself, he thought I had left and he didn't expect me to be, where I was. And of course Guitar Dave is not afraid of the Caius mafia, simply because (a) Guitar Dave does not exist (b) the Caius Mafia does not exist The second pseudonym I would like to claim is Styx (if unclaimed). For the time being, any attempts on my life from now on shall be reported as attempts on the life of Styx. I briefly considered "Misfire" as a pseudonym, but then I figured out how to avoid misfiring the pellet guns, I just need to make sure that the pellets are entirely inserted into the chamber. --Bjoern

From: "Stuart Moore" To: Subject: Poor cupcake Date: Wed, 30 Jan 2002 14:20:55 -0000 Cupcake seems to be loosing friends a lot at the moment - that's the 2nd time it's happened isn't it? o |\ _[] L_ === Stuart Moore []\. stm

From: "Scott G Boham" To: "Tom Garnett" Subject: Guitar Dave Date: Wed, 30 Jan 2002 15:25:49 -0000 Hi, Can you give "Guitar Dave" my email address and tell him to get in contact if he wants his biscuits... Cheers Scott

From: "Scott G Boham" To: "Tom Garnett" Subject: oops Date: Wed, 30 Jan 2002 15:30:17 -0000 Ignore my previous email... Very cunning...

From: "William Walter" To: "The Umpire" Subject: Re: My death.... Date: Wed, 30 Jan 2002 22:22:16 -0000 O.K. The reason why I was on the roof was to investigate the possible assassination attempt of Jacob Collins (I don't know his pseudonym). That's why I was carrying my gun. I had absolutely no idea the police would be on the roof. As for breaking the rules, 2 things; Firstly, I hadn't read them properly and so was not completely aware of the responsibilities held by corpses. Secondly, and MORE importantly, the police did actually fire on them IN THE DARK, when it was quite impossible to see for sure whether or not they were carrying weapons (or even who they were). It seemed reasonable, therefore, considering their imminent danger, to forewarn them from the grave in the form of an apparition. Such supernatural behaviour was quite called for, given the circumstances. I hope this is helpful. Will

Date: Thu, 31 Jan 2002 00:46:32 +0000 (GMT) From: David Chow X-X-Sender: To: The Umpire Subject: Re: Caius Mafia Since I've discovered that Bjoern is very much alive, Guitar Dave won't be getting any biscuits. DD On Thu, 31 Jan 2002, David Chow wrote: > I might need to visit Sainsbury's first. 200g to Guitar Dave (he was from > Caius after all), 1.2kg to Joeley Richardson. > > DD

From: "William Walter" To: "The Umpire" Subject: Baby Seals Date: Sat, 2 Feb 2002 20:39:15 -0000 Hi. I wasn't actually a member of the Baby Seals mafia. Will

From: "Rosemary Warner" To: "The Umpire" Subject: Re: [Assassins] Target update (you bastard!) Date: Sun, 3 Feb 2002 19:13:37 -0000 Tom, > You have one new target: > > New target: Ralph Owen > Caius > P9 Tree Court {No Water} > Mean! Mean, mean, mean! Still, it gives me the opportunity to try out contact poisoned lipstick... or worse ;-) Mwahahahaha! Not that I'd do it, but still. I hope that the prevalence of Caians targeting each other isn't deliberate, by the way... Rosemary

Date: Tue, 5 Feb 2002 21:26:45 +0000 (GMT) From: Paivi Pasi X-X-Sender: To: The Umpire Subject: One less incompetent Hiya, I killed Chris Ogden (PC NIcely Nicely) today (or whatever his name was) at about 5.00 pm but I'm too pissed to give a report so I'll do that tomorrow. I hoe he was a legal target though, as I'm also too pissed to go on ra page against police officers... P=E4ivi ___________________________________________ Nothing is true, everything is permitted. ___________________________________________

From: "Liam McClean" To: "The Umpire" Subject: Fw: your assassin Date: Sat, 9 Feb 2002 09:01:43 -0000 Someone sent me this, I feel I ought to report it as I do not want to be in breach of the rules ----- Original Message ----- From: To: Sent: Saturday, February 09, 2002 1:47 AM Subject: your assassin > The Chameleon is Chris Howlett (crh37) from Emma. > > > ---------- > Get a free, personalised email address at > TXT ALRT! Stop wasting money now. Send FREE, personalised txt > msgs to UK mobile phones from

Date: Sun, 10 Feb 2002 19:51:31 +0000 (GMT) From: Sally Clough X-X-Sender: To: The Umpire Subject: PS I love you!!! "The ginger cake award". You're great. Sally.

Date: Tue, 12 Feb 2002 20:19:51 +0000 (GMT) From: Ralph X-X-Sender: To: The Umpire > Rosie's. Yesterday morning. Just as well I.. erm... wasn't in my room that night. Rosemary

From: "Stuart Moore" To: Subject: New Award: Date: Wed, 13 Feb 2002 09:48:43 -0000 Please can we have a "Wind up the OCLO" award? With specific note that it can be awarded to dead players or non players? Please? Could be a nice little sub game... o |\ _[] L_ === Stuart Moore []\. stm

Date: Thu, 14 Feb 2002 00:11:54 +0000 (GMT) From: David Chow X-X-Sender: To: The Umpire Subject: Corrupt? How many Jaffa Cakes does it take to get off the wanted list?

Date: Thu, 14 Feb 2002 02:07:17 +0000 (GMT) From: "B.Holzhauer" X-X-Sender: To: "T.M. Garnett" Subject: motto for the Caius mafia We just found a decent motto for the Caius mafia: There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it , never care for anything else thereafter. -Ernest Hemingway Alternatively we considered "Your friends are very important to your survival, they give the enemy someone else to shoot." but if we used that we'd be confused for the Emmafia. One of the best mottos would have been: "If your in a fair fight, your tactics suck!" but we better shouldn't be too truthful, should we? So it will have to be the Hemingway quote. --Bjoern

Date: Mon, 18 Feb 2002 00:29:34 -0000 From: Sender: To: The Umpire Subject: Re: Liam McClean dead You nasty person. Please, I'd rather be "Innocent" and it goes with Ed's "Incorruptible".... --On 18 February 2002 00:22 +0000 The Umpire wrote: >> PC Innocent >> >> (Can I be Agent now?) > > Agent Thumper it is... ;-) > -- > Tom Garnett - Umpire - > Power tends to corrupt, but absolute power is kinda neat! > >

Date: Mon, 18 Feb 2002 22:04:08 +0000 (GMT) From: Ed Nokes X-X-Sender: To: The Umpire Subject: Re: Fw: Corruption? On Mon, 18 Feb 2002, The Umpire wrote: > I think this one's for you... > > > My muffins were eaten by members of the police. > > Nobody has tried to kill me since. > > > > Doesn't this indicate corruption? > > > > The only person who attempted to kill me was "corrupt". Nobody who was > > "incorruptible" has tried in the past 6 days. Doesn't this seem odd? > > > > Perhaps the CoP and others should be made wanted for corruption? Maybe I > > should be rewarded for exposing such corruption? Hmmmm... does he attend further analysis lectures? Ed

Date: Tue, 19 Feb 2002 10:15:40 +0000 (GMT) From: Ralph X-X-Sender: To: "T.M. Garnett" cc: "R.J. Warner" Subject: Attempt on Rosie I was lying in bed merely 10 minutes after Rosie had left for lectures when there came a heavy knock on the door. I got up and asked who it was but there was no reply. I was just about to go back to bed when I noticed a leaflet under the door warning of the symptoms of meningitis. I turned it over with the aid of a couple of pens, only to discover contact poison on the reverse. What a surprise. Needless to say, my hands were a good few inches from it at all times and I even checked it didn't have a string attached to set off some bomb. Hmmm, now that's an idea... The note said, "Why do the [word obscured by contact poison] always die so young? An Abelian Grape." I don't know if the missing word is 'good', but if it is, clearly I've been too naughty recently. Ralph PS. The above is *not* a report, especially the bit about Rosie having left for lectures, and the bit about the bomb. I'll let her report for herself.

From: "Paul Hickford" To: "'The Umpire'" Subject: RE: Bomb in my pigeon hole... Date: Tue, 19 Feb 2002 18:51:36 -0000 Its this evening isn't it? Bugger! Paul > -----Original Message----- > From: The Umpire [] > Sent: 19 February 2002 18:02 > To: Paul Hickford > Subject: Re: Bomb in my pigeon hole... > > > > Just out of interest, when do I go 'lazy' again? I've lost > track of > > time! Or does my survival postpone that for a bit longer? > > Really quite soon. Put it that way. > > No. > -- > Tom Garnett - Umpire - > Power tends to corrupt, but absolute power is kinda neat! > > >

From: "Yu Liu" To: Bcc: Subject: Re: Necromancy... Date: Wed, 20 Feb 2002 01:55:08 +0000 >Suggestions have been made that they kept coming back, rather a lot, and >appeared to be carrying on a conversation which had been started earlier, >possibly by ICQ or email... Well, I mean what do you expect them to do? Ignore the guy? Methinks Inspector Morse must look very fetching with his gun and HUGE white shield. > > Please don't thunderbolt me, it sounds awfully unpleasant... > >I haven't done it yet this game... Please, please don't try it on me. Have some practice on someone else first at least. Suppose you don't get me the first time... >Resurrection as police might be an option, if they can follow the rules. I think you may see the return of Blue-Bottle the third...but PC Esra Ym Drofnib is gone for good. (until next term...) > > > ~Poisoning pigeons in the park~ > >Why does every mathmo in the university like Tom Lehrer? (I do myself...) I don't know--and what makes you think I'm a mathmo? ;) I do history.Really, I do. Sue ~we'll all go together when we go~

Date: Thu, 21 Feb 2002 01:00:21 +0000 (GMT) From: "M.S.E. Esa" X-X-Sender: To: The Umpire Subject: Re: [Assassins] Target update WTF??? Again? No Tom, this is NOT random. Hylas On Thu, 21 Feb 2002, The Umpire wrote: > Assassins of Cambridge > > Time passes by, assassins pass away. A new target passes before your eyes. > > Your information: > > Your details: Name ....... Muhammad Esa > College .... John's > Address .... B2 New Court {No Water} > Current pseudonym .. Hylas the Nymph Pimp > Current status ..... You are alive! > Current deadline ... Make a good attempt by 17:00 Monday, 25 February. > > You have one new target: > > New target: Simon Ford > Emmanuel > Room B, 2 Warkworth Street {No Water} > > You still have these old targets: > > Target: Bjoern Holzhauer > Caius > Q16 {No Water (be sensible around staircase: plodge, offices and fellows present.)} > > Target: Matthew Laycock > Caius > O9 {No Water} > > > -- > Tom Garnett - Umpire > I'm off for a new .sig, followed by 15 old ones... > >

From: =?us-ascii?Q?Mario_Sainz_Martinez?= To: "The Umpire" Subject: FW: Bribery Date: Thu, 21 Feb 2002 03:34:05 -0000 It's so tempting to reply with a sarcastic remark... -----Original Message----- From: David Chow [] Sent: 21 February 2002 01:42 To: Mario Sainz-Martinez Subject: Bribery The Trinity Mafia would like to know whether we're actually going to get anything in return for our "thank you" gifts. Perhaps something along the lines of not attacking people in Trinity?

Date: Fri, 22 Feb 2002 08:41:53 +0000 (GMT) From: Paivi Pasi X-X-Sender: To: Tom Garnett Subject: forchrissakes This starts to get ridiculous... Apparently a Newnham cleaner had seen Spud's bomb yesterday when I had been gone a while. They had reported it to head housekeeper, who luckily didn't do anything yesterday except warn my neighbours not to touch it, and came to see me this morning to see what it was all about. At 7.45! "Ms, we want to talk about this bomb you had on your door"!!! Fortunately they were quite amused when I explained it and even wanted to see a cap trigger to see whether they would pose any danger to general public, but had I been anyone else (and hadn't worked for housekeeping in the past so they know I'm not exactly a bloodthirsty unabomber) they might have been a bit miffed. The bomb was properly labelled (except of course the paper being too small) and that was the sole reason they didn't decide to open it right away (bless!) so I think Spud shouldn't get into any jams because of it. I must be under a curse. :( P=E4ivi ___________________________________________ Nothing is true, everything is permitted. ___________________________________________

From: "James Bowe" To: "The Umpire" Subject: Damm You! Date: Fri, 22 Feb 2002 18:39:13 -0000 My actions: 1) Come in 2) Find I'm on the police info mailing list again 3) get suspicious and check site 4) find I've been ressurected with the name I was thinking of 5) Be surprised 6) Realise it's half-way hall tonight 7) Gather weaponry.... Ok so it took me as a bit of a surpirse but thanks for the new lease of life. I'll try and think up a new and more interesting way to go wanted. In the meantime please enjoy my fact file at: which should be fun when I finally work out how to get wanted, until then, keep it quiet would you? PC Bob ps. does handing my gun to someone so I can shoot them count as illegal or just bad manners? Unspeakable horrors make me really hungry.

Date: Mon, 25 Feb 2002 21:55:36 +0000 (GMT) From: "J.M. Chase" X-X-Sender: To: =?us-ascii?Q?Mario_Sainz_Martinez?= cc: Subject: RE: Storm Force 1 You absolute bastard. I am in a room in Emma with at least 5 Emmafiosios. It is a no-kill zone but I have a slight problem, as you can tell.... I can't get out. I was on a legoitimate SWAT raid. And none of the charges against me are true in this incarnation. I'm in Scott Boham's room.... HEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please....... Innocent

Date: Mon, 4 Mar 2002 00:09:45 +0000 (GMT) From: Ralph X-X-Sender: To: The Umpire Subject: BjornandJenny > > So I hear from BjornandJenny... I have a feeling something's going to > > happen fairly soon. :) > > Well, well... I'd noticed she'd finally enticed him into going on assorted > excursions. Bjorn came and had a chat with Rosie and me this evening. He said he hadn't believed us about Jenny, but was starting to come to the conclusion it might be true. Well, she did stay in his room chatting to him until about 4am yesterday, possibly a little hint for him. Anyway, I hope it'll happen, would be nice. I also hope Marwood will keep his opinions out of it for a bit. Ralph

Subject: hypothetically From: Peter McIntyre To: The Umpire Date: 04 Mar 2002 15:15:05 +0000 Hypothetically, if I had a friend (who's a police officer), and that officer went wanted, and teh swat team turned up at her (or his) door, hypothetically, and if I was with them having made an agreement not to shoot them for bearing weapons, and if, hypothetically, I (as a police officer) were to shoot them, then the survivors were to shoot me, then my friend were to shoot the survivors, who would die (in game terms)? Hypothetically, of course. -- Peter McIntyre

Date: Mon, 4 Mar 2002 11:03:10 +0000 (GMT) From: "B.Holzhauer" X-X-Sender: To: The Umpire Subject: Re: 2nd to shoot O'Leary On Mon, 4 Mar 2002, B.Holzhauer wrote: > his maths lecture either. We waved at James Osborn from afar when he > watched us leaving, but he didn't try anything so I guess he's probably > not my assassin (or maybe he noticed the 3 police officers around me). I CCed the message to Jon Hogg partially because I'd like to synchronize reports, but also because I believe he will show the email to James Osborn. Hence the sentence above, just in case you were wondering. --Bjoern

From: "Scott Boham" To: "The Umpire" Subject: Re: Tonight's Action Date: Wed, 6 Mar 2002 00:37:57 -0000 > > Hope this clears up matters.. > > > > Scott > > > > PS When can my leg grow back? > > I guess you'll have to recover it from Paivi. > > Have her leave something saying "Scott's leg" in your pigeonhole, or > similar. I've heard she's trying to blackmail me. Quite what she would be after I don't know. > If she doesn't want to, you'll just have to kill her for it. (I only did > this because you mentioned her taking it in your report...) OK, well I'll try, but she legally made me take my leg off because I was holding a kife at the time. I'll try and infiltrate Newnham again in the near future... I want my leg back!! Cya Scott

Date: Thu, 7 Mar 2002 16:02:23 +0000 (GMT) From: "B.Holzhauer" X-X-Sender: To: The Umpire Subject: Re: attempt on PC Incorruptible Oh, I meant Wednesday. It was just after formal hall. But everything develops as I have forseen it. On Thu, 7 Mar 2002, The Umpire wrote: > > -------report by The upright citizen Bjoern Holzhauer [Th 20:01]----- > > I'm curious, how can you predict the future with such uncanny accuracy? > -- > Tom Garnett - Umpire - > Power tends to corrupt, but absolute power is kinda neat! > > >

Date: Fri, 8 Mar 2002 09:04:24 +0000 (GMT) From: Edward Wallace X-X-Sender: To: "M. Sainz-Martinez" cc: Subject: stuff on Bjoern: Fw: Supervision Arrangements (fwd) Dear CoP, as the umpire could probably tell from Lucy's message, Bjoern is pissing off his neighbours, including me, at the moment. It might be nice if he were killed outside this staircase. GRF is a O-course, which means both 2nd and 3rd years do it. Lectures are MWF at 10:15, although I haven't seen Bjoern go to them for most of term. don't make this public until judiciously after the game ends, please! Ed ----- Original Message ----- From: Ian Grojnowski To: Lucy Devlin , Edward Wallace , Bjoern Holzhauer , T.R. Fanshawe , Alessandro Fiascaris Sent: Sunday, January 20, 2002 12:09 AM Subject: Supervision Arrangements for Groups, Rings and Fields Hi, For the Groups, Rings and Fields supervisions I suggest the following times: 2pm Ed & Lucy 3pm Tom & Bjoern 4pm Alessandro We will have the first supervision on 8th February and then every other week (22.2, 8.3). The supervisions will take place in Room B007 (Dr Siklos's office) of the Centre for Mathematical Sciences (CMS). Ian

From: =?iso-8859-1?Q?Mario_Sainz_Mart=EDnez?= To: "The Umpire" Subject: FW: Holzhauer Date: Fri, 8 Mar 2002 16:48:18 -0000 -----Original Message----- From: Mike Cripps [] Sent: 08 March 2002 13:29 To: T J Forster; Sam Blackburn; Mario Sainz Martínez; James Osborn; johnathan hogg; Ed Clayton; Ric Brackenbury Subject: RE: Holzhauer Actually, I think you are too quick to declare her corrupt. She was certainly in physics this morning, as we chatted there. I think it is too early to definitely declare her corrupt to the cause. Mac -----Original Message----- From: T J Forster [] Sent: 08 March 2002 13:27 To: Sam Blackburn; Mario Sainz Martínez; Mike Cripps; James Osborn; johnathan hogg; Ed Clayton; Ric Brackenbury Subject: Re: Holzhauer Interesting gossip today from rosemary, apparently a certain swat officer is more than slightly corrupt- aiding and abetting (or aiding and petting might be more appropriate) a wanted criminal who apparently spent last night in a college as far removed from cauis as is possible while remaining in cambridge. This would explain the bomb on Sam Blackburns door- establishing security close to base first. Given this, I think it's advisable to consider jenny actively hostile to the police. She faiiled to turn up to any lectures today which i think only confirms this- If she has nothiung to fear why not turn up, she has nothing to fear from bjoern and the only assassins in her lectures are police. From: "Sam Blackburn" To: "T J Forster" ; "Mario Sainz Martínez" ; "Mike Cripps" ; "James Osborn" ; "johnathan hogg" ; "Ed Clayton" ; "Ric Brackenbury" Sent: Thursday, March 07, 2002 11:04 PM Subject: Re: Holzhauer > I knocked on Jenny's door expecting she would know everything - it turns out > she was sleeping and had *no idea* he was wanted. I told her he was. (she > never opened the door - I think she was speaking from in bed) According to gossip from Rosemary, Jenny did answer from her bed and could not answer the door due to a lack of clothing (on her part and a certain criminals)..... >She probably > doesn't know wether to believe me. She says it puts her in an awkward > position. To say the least...... >Tommorrow she'll check the webpage and make sure (no computer in > her room). I hope I haven't blown a great opportunity here, but she would > have found out tomorrow anyway. I expect she will try to visit Bjoern > sometime, but I don't know when. Will keep an eye on her. > Be careful Sam as the only girtonian police officer they are likely to want you out of the way Tom > >

From: =?iso-8859-1?Q?Mario_Sainz_Mart=EDnez?= To: "The Umpire" Subject: FW: Triple-cross... Date: Fri, 8 Mar 2002 16:49:45 -0000 -----Original Message----- From: Mario Sainz Martínez [] Sent: 08 March 2002 01:29 To: B.Holzhauer Subject: Triple-cross... Hi there, Mr Criminal Man. OK, these are the details on the deal I promised you last week... the Police Top Brass (Hogg, Forster, Clayton and *theoretically* myself) are going on a SWAT raid on Yak tomorrow at 3:30pm. Now, as you probably know from Jenny, I've been bloody pissed off by the SWAT team's actions ever since I handed control over to them. So I figured you might want to ambush them instead =) We're meeting at G&P, but remember the sniper windows, and the fact people *know* you're likely to be in the area. Your best bet is probably to wait in Yak's staircase - remember how the Cripps court kitchens connect both sides of a staircase? Anyhow, I leave the detailed planning up to you - this is what we'll do: Arrive at Cripps court at 3:30-3:35pm. If non-officer police join us at G&P, we'll split up into a Roof and a Staircase team. I'll be sure to send people who're not familiar with the roof there, so you shouldn't have a problem in dealing with them, esp. if you bring your CPS. I'll stay at the ground floor pretending to be talking to The Umpire on the mobile phone. Hogg, Forster, and Clayton will go to Yak's room via the G stairs. There aren't enough of them to cover the entire staircase so you can probably wipe them out all together - or one by one if they spread themselves too thin. Need any more info? Mischievously, Mario P.S. this'll be worth about 4 packets of donuts I think...

From: =?iso-8859-1?Q?Mario_Sainz_Mart=EDnez?= To: "The Umpire" Subject: FW: Quadruple-cross... Date: Fri, 8 Mar 2002 16:49:48 -0000 -----Original Message----- From: Mario Sainz Martínez [] Sent: 08 March 2002 01:56 To: B.Holzhauer Subject: Quadruple-cross... Needless to say, the previous mail was forwarded to Hogg and Forster. Clayton doesn't know, but he guessed there was something fishy going on so I've had to "let him in" too... except I've told him I'm trying to get rid of Jenny, Blackburn, Hogg and Forster. Also... Tom Garnett has received a statement and a *long* list of people who're going corrupt tomorrow (no, Jenny's not one of them - precisely because she IS the most corrupt out of the lot. I'm hoping to get the corruption award this term too). As soon as I phone him, or in the event of my death, all hell will break loose. For you to enjoy =) If you have a phone, we can discuss this more carefully, and make detailed plans... my home number is 01223 690494, mobile is 07880 626765. Now, PLEASE. Don't tell me such a NICE set-up isn't worth trying - maybe even dying for (although I'd really like you to win, the other candidates have really let me down... was hoping for Osborn or Rosemary or another first-year, but Laycock and you are the next choices, because it'll raise you to absolute cult status)! This'll be the greatest wipeout operation ever... and it'll catapult you even beyond Legend status =) I'm hoping to go out with a bang, too, seeing as tho I'm retiring after this game - ie on Sunday. C'mon, it'll be fun!!! P.S. Blackburn, Osborn and Hogg are going to G&P after lectures at 12. Check it out for yourself if you want - kill them if you feel like it, although it may be prudent to leave at least Hogg till later. It's just a proof of good-will. P.S.2. No, I haven't Bcc'd or forwarded or otherwise copied this email to anyone, or informed anyone of its contents. Honestly. You have my word of honour. If you're going to trust me just once in your entire assassins career, do it now.

From: =?iso-8859-1?Q?Mario_Sainz_Mart=EDnez?= To: "The Umpire" Subject: FW: Double-Cross... Date: Fri, 8 Mar 2002 16:49:42 -0000 -----Original Message----- From: Mario Sainz Martínez [] Sent: 08 March 2002 01:17 To: Tom J Forster; Jonathan Hogg; Mike Cripps; Sam Blackburn; Ed Clayton; Scott G Boham; Ric Brackenbury; James Osborn Subject: Double-Cross... Hi guys, This is the plan of action: I'm going to email Bjoern and/or Jenny (I've had enough contact with them to know how to pull their strings) telling them the core SWAT team are going to assault Yak tomorrow before trying Caius. This should entice Bjoern into attempting to ambush us, with a bomb or CPS or whatever he feels like using. Nokes will probably assist. We meet tomorrow [Friday] at 2:30pm (sorry Tom, maybe you can join us later), somewhere safe - I suggest the Umpire's kitchen, since Bjoern's likely to lurk near G&P looking for prey. As he'll only expect the top-brass, we can have the rest of you, plus Jenny, lying in ambush in the area - this is, at the entrances and roof of Cripps court Johns. As Bjoern approaches the area (I'll tell him the raid is at 3:30pm, so you should get there at about 2:45pm) to prepare an ambush for us, you whack him AND Jenny, who's likely to oppose resistance. Don't worry about the technicalities, there's plenty of proof. The SWAT CO, the CAttAC and I will gather in a safehouse just inside Johns, and will be ready to assist within 30 seconds of receiving a call from you lot - we have mobile phones and should exchange numbers at the meeting tomorrow. There's enough of us that we'll NEVER decide on anything if we just keep emailing each other every 5 minutes - so unless anyone has really important objections this is to be considered the final plan, with only the timing subject to change. ***The Chief of Police***

From: "T J Forster" To: "The Umpire" Subject: better plan than unionisation Date: Fri, 8 Mar 2002 20:07:25 -0000 Tom,=20 Ric has just suggested that instead of a union we set up a parrallel = 'peace keeping force' with all the rules and restrictions of the police = but entirely separate from it we resign from the police and join the = peace keeping force- it would be a mirror image of the police identical = but different with its own CoP and CattaC (and just a few more members = than mario's police) obviously police and peace keepers could attack and = kill each other. Could you do this since this would prevent a rules = change being nessecary and would be far more satisfactory, I don't know = how mucjh work it would require on the webpage but wouldn't it simply be = a case of duplicating the police list and wanted liust then changing a = few details? Tom

Date: Sun, 10 Mar 2002 17:22:10 +0000 From: To: cc:, Subject: Re: Information on Bjoern Holzhauer After several days' close study of the most wanted man in Cambridge, I have discovered the following things which I hope will be of use to the effective if discredited Force. Bjoern is studying at a Cambridge College, which might, or might not, be Caius. He also plays chess, with a current grade of 159 (I think) although this appears to be an underestimate. He is not ticklish. He drinks moderately, and is not really a vegetarian although he feels bad about animals being killed- Caius food is too bad to be picky. He wears black or grey boxer shorts. He has been known to carry a gun or two, and to look behind him in the street. His whereabouts are not very widely known at present. It is unlikely that he will be available for face-to-face communication before 18.00 tonight. I hope this assists the valient and brave police force in their strenuous efforts. SWAT SO and Mascot Innocent Killer Bunny of Doom

Date: Sun, 10 Mar 2002 17:36:42 +0000 (GMT) From: "B.Holzhauer" X-X-Sender: To: "M. Sainz-Martinez" , "T.J. Forster" cc: "T.M. Garnett" Subject: give me biscuits I've taken the SWAT Mascot hostage. Give me a lot of biscuits or the bunny gets it.

Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2002 21:47:16 -0000 From: Sender: To: The Umpire , "M.W. Laycock" , Ralph Owen , "A.L.E. Baker" , ben c , "B.Holzhauer" Subject: Re: Duel now fixed: 7:00 (ish) pm, Thursday. > Oh, as for weaponary: No shields, no messy weapions, no indirect weapons, > no tanks. Would spectators bring spare weapons, since a couple of our > duellists aren't too well armed. Would someone be so kind as to lend me a cap gun. I would bring my old one, but unfortunately I dropped it and it broke. It's the only weaponary I have, so if someone could lend me another, I'd be most grateful. Simon

Date: Tue, 12 Mar 2002 10:11:53 +0000 (GMT) From: David Chow X-X-Sender: To: Tom Garnett Subject: David Duffit award for secrecy and deception I've heard that others received similar e-mails: ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Sun, 13 Jan 2002 05:26:01 -0800 From: To:,,,, Subject: Assassins Game We noticed that last term, you were a competent assassin, and an active player, although we do not yet know if you wish to play this term. If you do, then we would like to encourage you to read on. If not, then we apologise for wasting your time, but we would greatly appreciate it if you forwarded this email to anyone from your college who might be interested in playing this term. We are a medium sized, but very competent mafia. We are friendly too. Unfortunately, we feel threatened by the dominance in the game of the Caius mafia. Caius members have won 3 out of the last 5 games, and two Caius members were in the final last term (out of four players) - as you know, one of them won it. We therefore offer you, and any mafia you are affliated with, a short term alliance against Caius. During this time, we would hold a no-kill agreement with you. Obviously this arrangement will work for both of our benefits, as Caius threaten every player and mafia. It would be great to see players from another college win for a change, even if they aren't from our own. It might also be amusing to eliminate some of the ultra-keen Caius players early in the game. I mean, would you get up before 6 on a regular basis to place bombs on players' doors? Why can't we do this alone? Well, we don't really want to go wanted early in the game. If the members of Caius whom we would target are not, infact, our targets, we cannot legally attack them. We therefore seek out other players who may have Caius mafioso as their targets. Obviously we would provide support all the way through the mission to anyone who had any Caius player as a target, both logistically, and on a physical level, by providing players to act as cover, etc. As a mafia, we do have access to a large arsenal of weaponry, including the mighty CPS. At all times, we will maintain the utmost secrecy, we will never ask you for your names (we might know your name, but we don't know your face), even if we embark on a joint operation. This will make the later game, when we do not forsee a large mafia between many colleges, fairer to all concerned. Despite this, we are always looking for some members from other colleges, and if you did enjoy working with us, you might want to consider helping us, especially if you come from a college that doesn't have a strong mafia. Finally, we would like to point out that we do not wish to intimidate anyone into joining us. If you do not wish to join our alliance, we won't come and kill you for it. Unless you happen to be on our kill list, of course. We want players who have joined of their own free will, not those who feel forced. For more information, simply reply, along with any more specific queries you may have. We would understand if you wished to use an anonymous email address. Thank you for your time. Art and Ben

Date: Tue, 12 Mar 2002 10:13:30 +0000 (GMT) From: David Chow X-X-Sender: To: Tom Garnett Subject: Re: Assassins Game (fwd) I have to admit that they managed to fool me: ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Sun, 13 Jan 2002 21:08:06 +0000 (GMT) From: David Chow To: Subject: Re: Assassins Game I'm a bit wary about having agreements with people remaining anonymous (and who I probably don't know anyway); but I'll consider it. I'd hardly call myself a competent assassin" though - I didn't get any of my targets last term! Still, I'd like nothing more than to see the early demise of Ed Nokes and Bjorn Holzhauer. In case you don't know, Bjorn is a Part 2 mathmo, whose activities include (as well as assassinating people) chess. Ed Nokes is involved with, among other things, the "Spanish Inquisition". I could easily dispose of him, but not if it makes me wanted, as my lectures are full of assassins. If you're interested, in revenge for Ed Nokes killing me twice last term, I'm looking for a hitman to get him; in return, I'm offering 800g (or 1.6kg if it makes his assassin "wanted") of Bourbon Creams (or other suitable currency) for his death (but the reward can't be claimed unless you inform me before his death that you're intending to kill him)!

Date: Tue, 12 Mar 2002 10:14:46 +0000 (GMT) From: David Chow X-X-Sender: To: Tom Garnett Subject: Assassins (fwd) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Sun, 13 Jan 2002 16:09:47 -0800 From: To: Subject: Assassins Thanks for your interest, I'll try to address some of your concerns, and explain some more about our plan. Firstly, we don't intend to remain anonymous. Obviously, we can't just go right out and say who we are, just in case someone leaks to Caius, and we wake up with bombs on our doors one fine morning, planted by some first year who doesn't care about going wanted. For now, we just want to see who's actually interested. Then I'd propose maybe some kind of pubmeet or similar, get us all out in the open. Of course, we don't need to know who you actually are - you could say you were Mickey Mouse. We'd know you were there, but we wouldn't know exactly what you looked like, if, of course, that is a problem. It would just be to sort out plans, exchange ideas, and so on. I think that your plan is roughly the same as ours. We intend to find a bunch of players who are willing to help, and if any of them (or indeed us) get high-ranking Caius mafioso as targets, we'll help them, or they'll help us, take them down. In exchange for biscuits. Of the Bourbon kind, naturally. Conveniently, we do have some players who aren't bothered about going wanted - they just want to kill a couple of people, then die, without having to be paranoid for the rest of the term. Or less than that, depending on their (mis)fortune. They would be totally and utterly incompetent, but it is worth a try if all else fails. Or they could be used as bait for Bjoern/Ed to draw a weapon on them, then we have a legal kill. With respect to your competentness, I was recommended to contact you by another member of our mafia. Our mafia doesn't consist entirely of first years, and you may even know some of the other members. Finally, if you do have access to any other assassins in your college, who could help, perhaps you could act as some kind of go-between. Art