Lent 2004 Game News - The Lost Reports

The Umpire received a number of reports during the game which, for one reason or another, couldn't be published at the time. Here they are in all their unprintable glory:

Sunday, 25 January

[07:10am] The Adult Male's Father left a poisoned letter for David Hall

Martin Lester gets a special mention for aggravating the Umpire by sending in an inordinate number of reports which had to be censored due to consisting entirely of puns on his targets' names. This was the first:

The Adult Male's Father reports:

Here's another batch of my incredibly amusing examples of wit:

What do you call an assassin who likes to record morning and afternoon television just inside the entrance to his house, and has just had a poisoned letter placed inside his pigeonhole?
Day-vid Hall (David Hall)!!!!

What do you call an assassin who is paid as much per hour as someone who goes around singing songs, and found it highly amusing that there was a roadsign pointing to "Girton College Crematorium" (perhaps they have an unusually high suicide rate?)... almost as funny as the idea that someone would actually build a Cambridge college so far away from Cambridge and that people would actually want to live there?
The Adult Male's Father!!!!

I suppose you might want to censor this if it gives out too much information about people who are still living.

Yes. Yes, I might.

[08:15am] Michael Cripps knocked on the door of Uncountable 4

... which would have been almost the first reported attempt of the game, except that the assassin in question was too cowardly to report the attempt. Mike, I know it was you ...

Uncountable 4 reports:

*Knock* *Knock*
Clock: 8:15am => Assassins.

[13:06pm] Some unknown assassins made an attempt on Moose Hunter

I never found out who this was. Does anyone recognise the photograph?

Moose Hunter reports:

This morning I believe an assassination attempt was made on me, as three people in the vicinity of my room wearing trench coats were spotted by myself. This group then moved to my undercover shelter location before revisiting my room. A surveillance operation was then mounted, and the hit squad were seen investigating the outside of my college. Unfortunately, the assassins it would seem forgot a minor detail – they don’t have a college ID card, and hence proceeded to be stuck outside the door. They were promptly photographed and allowed to enter. After some further investigation they left the premises in their red car, unsuccessful. The results of surveillance can be viewed at http://rmc47.girton.cam.ac.uk if the umpire deems this acceptable.

[20:52pm] An innocent neighbour decided to spook Alex Labram

After a morning of sitting at home doing work, Alex finally heard footsteps outside his room. A knock came at the door. At last! a friend come to play, he thought. "Who is it?" he called.

When no answer returned, Alex decided that the knock must have been a trick of his fevered imagination, and he proceeded to carry on his research into the arcane world of Stirling's formula. But the knock came again, and again no name came with it.

Heart beating fast with fear, Alex considered his options. He could ask the audience. However, as the audience consisted of the IRC channel, their natural response was cries of "Kill!". He could go 50:50. But he only had one door and you can't go 50:50 on one thing. In the end, he decided to phone a friend. The friend in question saw absolutely nothing as the attacker had run off on hearing phone sound effects.

Alex settled back down to work, his heartrate dropping and the adrenaline leaving his system. Then he heard footsteps at the door...

[21:30pm] Jonathan Hogg took a potshot at the non-playing Ed Nokes

Saw Nokes threatening a certain Bryony Baines in pub. Shot at him, but only hit his arm. damn. Moustache winning......slowly becoming Caius mafia member....must resist. Good job no one went wanted, or they could be singing "4MAs and 3 Umpires".

Status: Wondering if the catz mafia actually exist.

Monday, 26 January

[10:30am] Catherine Hall (E. Presley) killed her assassin Colin Leung

This is Cat's original report, under her pseudonym, which sadly was never published as the fact that the kill was in a public area meant that it had to be reported under her real name:

E. Presley reports:

A Little Less Conversation

A little less conversation, a little more action please
All this aggravation from him on me
A little more bite and a little less bark
A little bit of a fight but not much of a spark
He just tried to stab me in the heart
just tried to kill me
Oh yes he did

As I walked out of lectures he was following me
Came along beside me to walk
He was after something it was plain to see
So I opened my mouth and started to talk

He a bit of conversation, told me he was gonna kill
The thought of a fight gave me a thrill
I thought it strange that he said so
Before he struck his leathal first blow
I think he could have been a worthy foe
But I was warned against him
So i had to kill him

As he pulled his knife and lunged at me
I put up resistance as cool as can be
And then he stabbed,
And then he stabbed,
And then he stabbed,
He sliced my palm, he was looking calm
But I had my defence, and pulled out my gun

I had a conversation, I had a bit of action, oh man
He tried to stab me, but only got my hand
In return for having gone for my throat
I shoot him first and had a good gloat
Perhaps he should have just killed me
But he warned me
So I killed him

The King still lives!!! My guitar hand may be injured, but it's only a scratch. My opponent at least had the pleasure of seeing my true blue blood drip from my hand, as he clasped his throat choking on his own blood. I even give him this tribute song, such is the power of forgivness.

Tuesday, 27 January

[06:30am] The Adult Male's Father planted a bomb for David Hall

And again, submitted a report I couldn't possibly publish ...

The Adult Male's Father reports:

It's time for another selection of fantastic funnies!

What do you call an old Cambridge college founded by a biblical king?
David Hall!!!!

What do you call a godmother who lives near this college and likes to pursue female donkeys?
Jenny Chase!!!!

What do you call an assassin who is able to pass a lustful look to someone else, and has just planted a 2L bomb outside this college?
The Adult Male's Father!!!!

Thursday, 29 January

[18:50pm] Jonathan Hogg was killed by Adam Baird Fraser

And here is the long-lost Diary of Jon Hogg, detailing his brief but glorious career as an untrustworthy bastard:

Jonathan Hogg reports:

In an attempt to gain the awards for treachory,deception and dieing messily, our subject was persuaded to keep the following diary, which we will now reveal after his unfortunate demise. It is a tale of stupidity and murder, and we do not advise the easily offended to read further:

Day 1: See Xanth lurking at end of duncan's street, inform on him. Turns out he denies targetting duncan. hopefully he'll die and duncan will go wnated. Betrayed the fact that bryony had targets in Girton to Jenny after she aborted a target list swap with me. told her I hadn't done so when she realised her mistake later, but will keep promise not to tell anyone else.

Day 2: Assist Corkscrew and AbF to plant bomb on Catz fresher, I don't have time for training. See him in his kitchen, so go to try and recruit him but hes dead. Learn their pseudonyms.

Day 3: Recieve Monkey as target. joy. Consider breaking social no kill for murder mystery party but don't. Sell out corkscrew to Rosemary while encouraging him to attack Rosemary, hopefully one will die. Swap Jenny's player list for rosie's. Corkscrew goes wanted.

Day 4: Send Corkscrew "advise" email to ensure he uses his wantedness to the best of his ability, along with aforementioned playerlists. Hope he gets a few before he dies. Shame James dided yesterday [or maybe not] am winding Sista up by neither confirming or denying she is on my target list [she isn't]. Am persauding Dr_Evil to form a police raid on corkscrew, while hoping to betray it to him and his minions so they can have fun. Ric goes wanted, send him copy of same email. Let him know Simon Ford is playing to encourage him then tell him to do Naath's door handle too. Send email to Locky offering to backstab Ric & Corkscrew. don't know if I'll quadruple cross or not yet. Persuading Ric to take out people I have CMS no kills with/am not certain if they're playing or not. Rosemary wanted too, sent her the same email as the other two, not that she needs it.

Day 5: Hear about SWAT raid this evening from Dr_Evil, tell Rosie, she claims to be planning to CPS them from her window or not be home. Tell police to have sniper aiming at her window. trying to find out more details of raid so I can do a proper set up. Corkscrew already knows about meet at 6.30 VoD. Wonder how many we get. Will join wanted list if it is 4 or more. Wonder around marked place, see AbF a few times looking suspicious. Soon the SWAT team [both of them] proceed to Christs, phone Corkscrew telling them such and arranging a no kill with all his minons, after having allowed them to borrow some weaponry. Am going through Christs, holding door open for random people when someone shots me. damn, looks like I was betrayed.

[22:14pm] The three of clubs sent Doktor von Fappenschlick a letter

Another poisoned letter that never got reported. These things are the bane of my life, I tell you.

The three of clubs reports:

The TV said that the two of hearts was wanted for murdering policemen. Interesting. That'd likely mean she wouldn't be aut and about looking for me, rather hiding frow their officers. Maybe if I sent her a poorly disguised poison letter it'd lure her out of hiding for them to catch. I doubted it, but hey, it was worth a try.

Friday, 30 January

[14:45pm] Martin Lester (The Adult Male's Father) received a letter from The three of clubs

The three of clubs reports:

Here's a question. What do you call interplanitary canned cheese?
Mars-tinned Lester!

[20:00pm] Lutin Malicieux made an attempt on Neill Campbell

Another one that apparently never made it to the victim's mailbox. Or someone was just too lazy to mention it ...

Lutin Malicieux reports:

Itīs 8pm and the darkness already surrounds Cambridge...Time has come. The Lutin Malicieux is on his way. He prepared the poison the day before. A poison which kills immediately after a contact with the skin. Of course he prepared it wearing plastic gloves. The poison is now in an enveloppe in his bag...Of course none of the poison is on the outside of the enveloppe, he paid attention to that. He is a good assassin. The poison will kill the target instantaneously if the latest opens the enveloppe. Thinking about that...The Lutin Malicieux smiled licentiously while riding on his bike...on his way to attempt his future victimīs life. He left the enveloppe in Neilīs pigeonhole. Now The Lutin Malicieux is waiting for the consequences.

[23:10pm] The Adult Male's Father failed to kill James Revill

Another one for the censor's stamp:

The Adult Male's Father reports:

I'm running out of amusing jokes, so here are some failed ones that I sold to a company making Christmas crackers.

What do you call a furry assassin who takes great delight in fruit preserves, notices an assassin lurking near his doorway and so chooses to use an entrance at the other end of the building?
Jams Revel (James Revill)!!!!

What do you call an assassin who attempts poems expressing grief, draws his gun, waits for his target to approach along the corridor, sees he has been alerted, runs out and chases after him, exchanging shots (all of which from both parties appear to miss) until he runs out of ammo before running away?
The Adult Male's Father!!!!

Saturday, 31 January

[08:35am] The Adult Male's Father left a bomb for James Revill

And another ...

The Adult Male's Father reports:

What do you call a block of college accommodation where automobile trading finishes and the residents are lazy and do not leave the building before 08:20 on Saturdays, so that would-be assassins who get up early end up lurking outside for over an hour for a chance to get in?
Car-sale End (Castle End)!!!!

What do you call an assassin who, fearing attack from his target, having revealed his identity, left a 2L bomb outside his door this morning, and acts as a way in for supports for limbs on chairs?
The Adult Male's Father!!!!

[19:14pm] Daniel Rudge (Swearing in technicolour) was killed by PC Hawsker

The victim's original report for what turned out to be a rather confused incident:

Swearing in technicolour reports:

Did grace the corridor of St John's today. Attempting to kill target there. Farted a couple of times as a warning shot. no one in. no wait. after having hidden all weapons and started leaving a person whistled and shot my arm and hair. Have now got reverse mohican. grr. cauterising wound soon. running out of bandages. Funnily enough, man with gun didn't follow me and attack again. instead he laughed maniacally (hey thats my line) and retreated to his room. I now hand over to an accomplice called Jamie.

Am sadly disappointed with the efforts of Master. Technicolour and am currently training my young prodigy better in the art of stealth. To be sure, he will be ready soon as I am lending him iron to cauterise wound.

Swearing in technicolour resumes:

Does anyone know how many assasin's are in John's? i am sure i saw alot of hastily closed doors. however last night i also saw a nutshell dancing on the head of an angel so i may be just tripping.

the closet claustraphobic
Swearing in technicolour

[22:02pm] Gordon Ball (Marvin) blew up Nick Wood

The soon-to-be-victim's comment, when he heard a cap detonator explode outside his room and failed to realise that it was a cunning decoy:

Drunken Chunky Monkey reports:

a witness had this to say of the bombing:
Brain the size of a planet and he can't even operate a cap detonator

Tuesday, 03 February

[13:45pm] Alan Cunningham left a letter for Moose Hunter

A report which sadly gave away far too much about the target to be publishable:

Internet Reject reports:

My previous attempts to rid Cambridge of email-using heathens had failed, so I decided a more direct approach may help me on my glorious quest. I had heard rumours of a place called Girton, where people live in isolation and can only communicate with the rest of the world via the Internet. I retrieved my bike and set off in the direction I was advised this place lay, not knowing how I would recognise such an evil place, should I ever find it.

After what seemed like months later I saw a sign saying Girton College and Crematorium straight ahead. I continued, relieved in the knowledge I would only have to make one journey today.

Eventually, I found the headquarters of the man said to be behind the institution. I knocked at the door. There was no answer. I knocked again, convinced I had heard a noise from behind it. Again no answer. I decided to leave, not without leaving a small message.

Just as I am leaving, a man walks in the opposite direction, takes a digital photograph of me and continues in the same direction, past the entrance to the lair. I flee from Girton, convinced that either technology has driven the place insane or the proposed monkey lab has been built after all.

Thursday, 12 February

[08:30am] Bryony Baines lurked outside Simon Ford's house

The Umpire can't quite work out why this wasn't published at the time, but is publishing it now anyway.

Bryony Baines reports:

Got up bright and early to lurk the registered residing place of one Simon Ford. The house was small, completely blind on one side, the front door looked like it was never used. I figured anyone who lived surrounded by cows couldn't really be that paranoid, got out my GRM example sheet and settled down to wait. Initially, all curtains were closed. Sounds of movement.. several curtains were open, with light streaming out. Sounds of someone having a shower. Sound of someone coming out the back door, with their bike, excellent. I risked a glance around the corner. Definately not Simon Ford - eek! I managed to drop/hide the guns in time to not be pointing them in her face. She still jumped about two feet. I felt terrible. I explained. She looked dubious. Apparently Simon wasn't even there..

[17:50pm] Jim the Elvis Impersonator left a bomb for Neill Campbell (Presley, Elvis)

Another attempt the victim didn't bother to report, which, ironically, meant that he spent the rest of the game thinking that the bomb had come from Simon Ford.

Jim the Elvis Impersonator reports:

Well, ah wuz gettin' a bit worried about competition in this here town, so h thought ah'd do mah best to thin the field a little. Good thing mah pah taught me 'bout how to make things explode. All yah need is a little perseverance, a whole lotta love, and half a kilo o'semtex. We do like a bit of an explosion round here. Ah hope Neill Campbell does too. 'Cos that's what ah've given him.

The King is dead, baby.

Long live The King.

Sunday, 15 February

[00:01am] Pemmer made an attempt on Stephen McCann, or something

I never published this one because I for one had no idea what had actually happened.

Pemmer reports:

Scanning the assassins website, I noticed that I'd better continue the trend of attacking Steve with some form of bomb in order to get the first report up for week four. After lurking around the grounds, eating a kebab, I spotted him enter the building. I waited a minute, grabbed my bomb-bag and headed to his room...

However it appears that I must have already made an attempt on him earlier! There was a bomb already neatly positioned at his door, with the words "Pemmer waz here" on the label. The thing is I'm not drunk and I don't even recall placing that there!

I've booked an appointment to see my psychiatrist.

Tuesday, 17 February

[10:30am] Sideshow Barbara left poison for PC 666

Sideshow Barbara reports:

hahahahahhahahah ha hah a hah had a quick look at the police list and discovered the presence of a constable in my college. Couldn't have such a risk disturbing my criminal activities, so I put some contact poison on her door handle. Hope her death won't be too painful, vaseline poison is nasty stuff.

Wednesday, 18 February

[17:05pm] Michael Cripps made an attempt on Seth Thevoz

Another attempt that went unreported by the assassin, which means it was probably Michael Cripps again, especially since I know he was trying to kill Seth at the time.

The Eighteenth Century Enlightenment Duellist (Please play Handel's 'Sarabande' as he approaches) reports:

A very suspicious visit.

I had slumbered off to sleep in the middle of some work in my room. (Work easier to do sitting on bed> Work easier to do lying on bed> My, that's a comfy pillow> I'll close my eyes for just a second> Make that five minutes> Awake two hours later.)

When I awoke, an unkown voice outside my door was asking my neighbour, "Is Seth in? When will Seth be back?" By the time I emerged from my coccoon, he had gone. A completely unknown stranger. A typically paranoid inspection revealed no signs of bombs, contact poison, etc.

[18:21pm] Michael Brooks found some mysterious contact poison

Someone poisoned Michael Brooks' doorhandle, but I have no idea who, and all of the live players denied doing it. Happily he managed to avoid it anyway, but since the attempt was never reported by the assassin, he wouldn't have been dead even if he had touched it.

Michael Brooks reports:

I wish to report an attempt on my life.

Upon returning after a supervision, I went back to my room. As usual the door lock was a bit sticky as usual so involved me barging my door open with my shoulder. Five minutes later, my girlfriend knocked on the door to go down to dinner with me. Whilst hanging around outside waiting for me to empty my bag, and fiddling with my in/out door tag, she noticed that the underside of my door lock lever (the thing you pull to close the door on the OUTSIDE) had been smothered in contact poison. What's more, the person who had applied it had wiped their hands on the door frame, leaving a blob there too.

She just had time to yell to me that it had been placed there before the poison percolated through her system. I found her body slumped on the floor outside when I emerged. Someone ought to go wanted for that.

I can only conject that Lauren Grest would do this at such a late stage in the game as she is the only player already on the wanted list.

Sunday, 07 March

[23:00pm] Carrie Oliver made a successful attempt on The Umpire

One of Sideshow Barbara's minions reports:

As innocent friend to sideshow barbara I accompanied her to the end of game dual expecting an action packed show. However after two hours of standing in the freezing cold I was left sorely disappointed and left before anyone was killed. I have to say it was probably the most boring thing I have ever watch - no offence!

I did meet some very nice people and decided to accompany sideshow barbara to the end of game party before going to the cinema in the hopes of finding truth in the talk at the dual that the assassin guild is more intersting normally!

Having arrived somewhat late, myself and Claire left fairly soon to go to the cinema with no alcoholic beverages having past our lips. We did however decide that the party was more appealing than orlando bloom (shock horror). So climbed thousands of stairs again to consume rather too much alcohol. I did find out that the assassin guild IS rather exciting and am now playing vampires and werewolves (how did that happen?). I sent an "interesting" night with the umpire and returned to my college a litttle the worse for wear with an escort of 4 guys, who were not accompanying me specifically having mean earlier abandon by the umpire.

In Conclusion: don't go to any duals but go to party afterwards cos there are some lovely people to meet.

Sideshow Barbara would like to add that she is very innocent and shy without the influence of alcohol. Also, she is much more proficient at walking in a straight line.

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Produced at Sat May 8 15:09:24 2004