Lent 2004 Game News - Week four

Sunday, 15 February

[13:30pm] Police Chief Just Add Water killed Lee Lewin (Moose Hunter)

Police Chief Just Add Water reports:

This Sunday I found myself with the realisation that I had been neglecting my duties. One single criminal still alive, one criminal somewhere in some corridor of Girton. Studying the college map at the plodge, I managed to find the location of the room where Moose Hunter was reputed to live. I retreived my rubber pellet gun and set off towards A corridor, on the opposite side of college. As I was walking down A corridor, I espied a man coming towards me, carrying some notes. He proceeded to produce a gun of his own, neatly identifying himself as my target, but catching me somewhat unaware. He fired twice, but too early, and his bullets fell flat. The third chamber was empty. I rushed forward, fired, hit him in the arm, then in the chest. This had not gone as neatly as planned, but it had been done.

[14:50pm] [CoPM] The King didn't kill The Eighteenth Century Enlightenment Duellist (Please play Handel's 'Sarabande' as he approaches)

[CoPM] The King reports:

I left some chocolately goodness for The Eighteenth Century Enlightenment Duellist (Please play Handel's 'Sarabande' as he approaches), hopefully he'll be blown into lots of little pieces by it....

The Eighteenth Century Enlightenment Duellist (Please play Handel's 'Sarabande' as he approaches) reports:

My compliments to the assassin who has become very slick indeed at camouflaging his bombs. Five of the six sides of the chocolate bar looked perfectly innocuous.

However, good, old-fashioned McCarthyite paranoia led me to suspect that an unsolicited chocolate bar, not left in any neighbouring pigeon holes, was very suspicious indeed.

Carefully picking up the suspicious item, the underside exposed an intricate mechanism for detonating a cap. Emerging into an empty courtyard, I threw the chocolate-bar bomb at an isolated wall, a good six or seven metres away. It blew up, a spark illuminating the surrounding court.

"Ooooooh," I pondered over the not inconsiderable explosion, "That could have really hurt me if it had gone off in my hand"

[15:40pm] [CoPM] The King killed Victoria Kowalkowski (666)

666 reports:

You survive for what seems forever, where many others have died. And then, your parents come to visit. Paranoia keeps on and on reminding them to lock the door whenever they leave the room, but to no avail. My sister Georgina, who shall remain nameless, opened the door to see a suspicious-looking man with a gun standing expectantly outside. So it was only natural, wasn't it, to open the door for him and let him in. He merely said 'Victoria? Bang' What a letdown. All my hopes of fighting epic battles across college courts, of setting cunning traps for my targets, are over. Thanks sis.

My last request, before I fade into the nothingness that is death, is that the Umpire rescue me from this sad fate and reincarnate me as an upstanding member of the Police Force, so I can at least in part fulfill my purpose here.

The Umpire is, of course, always more than happy to fulfil such last requests.

[CoPM] The King reports:

I'd been stalking my target for days, she'd even killed another incarnation, but the King was back, baby. I stood in her corridor and listened to her family talk about dinosaurs for forty minutes before finally one of them needed to go to the bathroom. I walked into the unlocked room, inquired "Victoria?" and shot her at point blank range. Apologising to the family of the deceased, I returned to Graceland.

Monday, 16 February

[10:00am] Stephen McCann killed Adam Baird Fraser (Animal Rights Activists)

Animal Rights Activists reports:

It comes for us all eventually. We can put it off - hide, run and live in the certain knowledge that each morning heralds a day less until we are caught - but there is no escape. Avoiding this fate is useless; delaying is pointless - the best that one can do is to stand firm and be able to say that you looked Death in the face when he came, and laughed at his cold caress when your time ran out. This, the acceptance of inevitability, is what seperates us from the rest of society. We dance with death every day, occasionally gaining a lead; ultimately falling behind, and this marks us as what and who we are. We deal with death, delivering it and spreading it - it's only a matter of time until we receive our dues, and we should do so with dignity.

Stephen McCann reports:

My target will forever scorn the fact that he wore a really noticeable jacket, he stood out in any crowd, including that of a stream of natsci/compsci/mathmo mix that was leaving the lecture hall. I ran up to him and ,"Bang!" it was over... I put away my firearm and look around, between 50 and 100 ppl may have noticed including Agent IFf. He was quite distressed by the horror that had taken place on his patch but i was no longer baring weapons so all he could do was comment on how smooth the kill was, i couldnt help but agree!

[11:00am] The Eighteenth Century Enlightenment Duellist (Please play Handel's 'Sarabande' as he approaches) didn't get Sideshow Barbara

The Eighteenth Century Enlightenment Duellist (Please play Handel's 'Sarabande' as he approaches) reports:

At 6pm this evening, I planted an elaborate Valentine's Card in Sideshow Barbara's pigeon hole- when it opens, the explosive charge tells her `"You are now dead. Happy Valentine's Day", which I recorded just for her.

Unfortunately, it would not fit in her pidge, so I had to leave it with the porter, along wiith a message in her pidge telling her to ask the porter for it. Unless the porter is ultra-nosey and opens her mail for her, it should not go off until she opens it up.

As an Angel of Death, I believe in spreading the love...

Sideshow Barbara reports:

Returned home today after lovely weekend with boyfriend. Checked pidgeon hole for mail. There was a suspicious note informing me that a valentines card had been left for me with the porters. Hmmm was not boyfriends handwriting on card. Decided not to open it as it was probably from an assassin. Went back to room carefully holding card. Found a note from Michael Cripps. Now i was extremely suspicious. I am definetly not opening it!

[11:00am] Someone with suspicious hair made an attempt on Dalriada

Dalriada reports:

I entered my lectures today with the intention of honestly doing work, no really. But that didnt happen due to two factors, laziness and the mop. When i entered the lecture hall an individual with the blackest curliest mop head of hair in the history or all that exists arrived as late as me. Wow this is suspicious, someone with potentially less motivation towards lectures than I, surely not! Then I noticed him watching me through the lecture and glancing away with the distinct lack of subtlety only an assassin can show, at this point i decided i had two options, shoot him and risk him turning out to be merely an innocent with an unfortunate hairstyle or run away and live to fight another day. I chose the more innocent friendly approach. I ran. I warn my assailant now, if i even see a peak of that mop again, you will pay the ultimate price. You will be shot by a fake gun... ooooh your shaking now i bet.

[13:20pm] [CoPM] Simone Jenny Fordette left a present for Sideshow Barbara

[CoPM] Simone Jenny Fordette reports:

James said I should send my target a Valentine's day present, but I could not find a heart of the right size. So I sent her a bar of Fair Trade chocolate.

Sweets (and high explosive) for the sweet, my dear.

Sideshow Barbara reports:

Ooops. Just told friend she could have the chocolates left in my pigeon hole if she wanted them. Her ghost returned to my room informing me it had blown up in her face upon removal. Good job I'm on a diet, healthy eating does indeed save your life.

Since Sideshow Barbara was clearly aware of the danger the gift posed, the Umpire can only conclude that her friend's horrible death is entirely her fault.

[15:30pm] Sinistar's bomb didn't kill Simon Ford

Sinistar reports:


Simon Ford reports:

Some nefarious scheme appears to be at work as today I found a CD case in my pigeonhole. Now usually I get all my pirated software sent in brown padded envelopes so this was highly suspicious. I suspected that there'd be a cap detonator inside the casing, so carefully removed it from my pigeonhole. An inspection found that there was indeed a cap detonator inside. But what to do with such a device?? It would be such a shame to waste it; why not put it to better use? So I placed it in Jon Jowett's pigeonhole, passing on the dangerous parcel to one of the current residents of the incompetents list.

Now here's a thought: maybe he did the same to me!! :D

[19:08pm] Jon Jowett was visited by PC Sunshine

Astral Surfer reports:

PC Sunshine and an unknown friend stopped by, asking directions from my neighbour. Seems they were so entranced by the music i was playing that they forgot to knock on my door...

[22:00pm] Jon Jowett wasn't killed by Simon Ford's bomb

Jon Jowett reports:

Checked my pigeonhole and found numerous devices of mass destruction. Two bombs, a poison letter and several poison flyers. One of the bombs was clearly invalid because it was attached to my copy of ROAR! (the Emmanuel College mag, published monday mornings) which the assassins blatantly didn't bring with them. Disarmed them both anyway - thanks for the cap detonators, guys! I was rather displeased with the poison covering all my regular mail (rubbed off the poison flyers and letters). Somehow I doubt companies will accept "your bill was covered in poison so I binned it", so I had to painstakingly open every single one very carefully. Thanks a lot!

[22:01pm] Jon Jowett also survived the bomb from Thy Dungeonman

Thy Dungeonman reports:

Thy Dungeonman - Parte thee Forthe

You are Thy Dungeonman!

Ye find yeself in yon dungeon. Thee clocke is tyckinge and ye realiseth that thee hast lyttle tyme lefte to makest thine attempte, before thee gonge of doome strikest thyself and turneth thee incompetente. Obvious exits are YOURE TARGYTS, THEE EVILE CRIMININALS and THEE FEEBLE INCOMPETENTES.

What wouldst thou deau?


Ye findest that thyre are two incompetents. Howevere, because thout are most lazie, ye choosest thee closest one. Tis a Cunnying plane! Thee name of thine targyte is JON JOWETT. Ye lookst around thyself and ye sees a NEWESPAPYR, a PRETTIE BALLOON and an ARMADILLO. Obvious exits are UPSTAIRS, DOWNSTAIRS and IN THY LADIES CHAMBER.


Thy eyes glanceth acrosse thee headlines and thout reade terrible news! An accidente has occuredeth and many strange beasties known as JENNY-MINIONS hath escapeded into thy dungeon! Ye muste be preparyd for attack at any tyme!


Thout cannot reache thee balloon.


Thout lookest at thee balloon. Tis prettie. It floateth above your heade, almost as if saying: "Ha, ha, ye cannot reache me. Type in all thee wordes at thy command, but it willt do thee no goode. I am forever an unataynable objyct. Give up nowe."


Thou pickest up thee armadillo. Ye havest an armadillo - awesome!


Ye climbest up a steepe spyral staircase and find yeself in thee CMS. Ye lookest arounde thee CMS canteene, but thout eyes perceiveth no mathmos. Silly THY DUNGEONMAN! Mathmos don't go to lectures! However, thout eyes did perceivethed a NINJA SWORD, a STRANGE LADIE and a DUCKE WITH NO WINGALINGS. Obvious exits are LCS, SFM and TOO MANY ACRONYMS.


A sword of ninjaness is always useful. However, as thine hand dost approacheth thee blade, the STRANGE LADIE stops you and warneth thee about takying thinges which art not thine. Thee ladie claimeth that this is STEALERING. Hast she not played a text-based adventyre before? She must be stopped and thout must getteth thee NINJA SWORD!


Thy body is suddenly infuseded with thee power of thee armadillo! Ye useth thy jointed bony plates to bargeth thee STRANGE LADIE aside and take thee NINJA SWORD!


Thout escapeth from thee CMS before thee maths getteth too much for thee. For Sooth! That was a close escape! Ye arriveth in fronte of a COMPUTER TERMINALE. Ye can checketh ye E-MAILS or use the ADVANCED TECHNOLOGICALED FEATURES. Thee also spyeth a MUFFINE. Obvious exits are WEST, EAST and LANDS YET UNKNOWN.


And todays speciale feature is: "Thee scroll! Thee Scrolle! Thee buttones! Thee buttones! Scrolling so smoothe like thee buttere on thee muffine!" Mmmm muffines?.. Thout eatest thee MUFFINE. After all, tis thee only sensible thing to do.


Ye findeth an e-mail from thy Nicaraguan dungeon friende. He is a lawyere representinge a blah-de-blah-blah, but thee longe and thee shorte of it is that he is offeringe you - THY DUNGEONMAN! - a large sume of moneye if ye onlie sende him youre detayls! Thee man is obviouslie trustwortherie, so ye send him thine detayls. And lowe and beholde - he e-maileth you a BAG OF GOLD in return!


Ye taketh thee golde.


Ye approacheth thy finale destinatione: thee CASTLE OF EMMA. Howeverer, a PORTERE blocks thine passage and demandeth to know why thyself is currently presente at thee castle? Ye muste acte quicklie, before thout last chance is scupperedeth!


Thee PORTERE accepteth one of thy gold bars and even giveth ye a POISONE BOMBE in return! He letteth ye in thee castle showeth thyself towardes thee PIGEONHOLES. Sureth enoughe, there is a PIGEONHOLE in fronte of ye, but *gasp* ye also spie an evil JENNY-MINION! Obvious exits are LIFE, DEATH and UTTER BURNINATION.


Ye seeth that tis not one of thee evile LADIE OF THEE NIGHTES mortal minions, but one of her mind-minions, come to turn thee insane! Ye meditate on thee mattere for a while untile ye recognise the minion for what it trulie is: a JELLY NINJA FROM HELL! Thee JELLY NINJA FROM HELL wibble wobbles towardes thyself, closing in, ready to use its MAD SKILLS.


Ye giveth thee ninja sworde to thee ninja of jellie. Blade first! Thee sworde cutteth thee jellie ninja into manie pieces. It is deaded.


Congraturation! Ye escapes from thee INCOMPETENCE DEADLINE oncemore in thy never ending queste to remaine:


And evene bettere, on thee way back to your dungeon quarteres, ye stoppeth off to get some ice cream. Ye mix the ice cream with thee bodie of thee deade ninja. Mmmmm JELLY AND ICE CREAM! A feast fit for pyrytes, or even kinges, but in this case, a feast fit for thee:


Tuesday, 17 February

[07:40am] PC Fallen Minion of Yorck couldn't get to one-three-seven

PC Fallen Minion of Yorck reports:

I decided to make an early attempt on one-three-seven in the hope that he would be only half awake and therefore vulnerable. At about 0740 I arrived out side Westminster where those that can't be fitted into Magdalene reside I found that it was almost as paranoid as Harvey Court. Its doors didn't open until 0830 and so I couldn't get in. The women who told me this said that, as she had no idea who I was, she couldn't let me in. so I went away to find that the post office (which I was visiting for reasons totally unconnected to assassins) had its doors open but wasn't open for business. Are there any places with stranger opening policies hiding in Cambridge?

[08:30am] Neo lurked for someone

Neo reports:

Lurked lecture in rain. Didn't see target. Lurked some more inside, still didn't see target. Went off to see friend.

[08:45am] Jon Jowett lurked outside a lecture

Jon Jowett reports:

I lurked my target's 9am lecture but he/she didn't show. D'oh!

Should Jon Jowett display similar interest in killing his targets again, I may have to remove him from the Incompetent List. Kill him quickly before he gets away!

[09:10am] kthxdie >:[ lurked

kthxdie >:[ reports:


[09:25am] Michael Brooks got wet

Michael Brooks reports:

Let it rain
Let it colour all my skin
Let it rain
Wash away my doubts and pain

I wanna discover
I don't wanna make believe
Let it rain
Down on me

...I did some lurking... in the rain.

[09:45am] [CoPM] Byrony Baines lurked for Neo

[CoPM] Byrony Baines reports:

I remember I was hammering on a fence in the back-garden when Dad approached. He was carrying a letter or something in his hand, and he looked worried. I continued to hammer as he came toward me.

"Byrony," he said, "why are you hammering on that fence? It already has plenty of nails in it."

"Oh, I'm not using nails," I replied. "I'm just hammering."

With that, I returned to my hammering. Dad asked me to stop hammering, as he had some news. I did stop hammering, but first I got a couple more hammers in, and this seemed to make Dad mad.

"I said, stop hammering!" he yelled.

I think he felt bad for yelling at me, especially since it looked like he had bad news.

"Look," he said, "you can hammer later, but first-"

Well, I didn't even wait to hear the rest. As soon as I heard "You can hammer," that's what I started doing. Hammering away, happy as an old hammer dog. Dad tried to physically stop me from hammering by inserting a small log of some sort between my hammer and the fence. But I just kept on hammering, because that's the way I am when I get that hammer going. Then, he just grabbed my arm and made me stop.

"I'm afraid I have some news for you," he said.

I swear, what I did next was not hammering. I was just letting the hammer swing lazily at arm's length, and maybe it tapped the fence once or twice, but that's all. That apparently didn't make any difference whatsoever to Dad, because he just grabbed my hammer out of my hand and flung it across the field. And when I saw my hammer flying helplessly through the air like that, I just couldn't take it. I burst out crying, I admit it. And I ran to the house, as fast as my legs could take me.

"Byrony, come back!" yelled Dad. "What about your hammer?!"

But I could not have cared less about hammering at that point. I ran into the house and flung myself onto my bed, pounding the bed with my fists. I pounded and pounded, until finally, behind me, I heard a voice.

"As long as you're pounding, why not use this?"

I turned, and it was Dad, holding a brand-new solid-gold hammer. I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes and ran to Dad's outstretched arms. But suddenly, he jumped out of the way, and I went sailing through the second-story window behind him.

Whenever I hear about a kid getting in trouble with drugs, I like to tell him this story.

An awful lot of people seem to have been standing around in the rain this morning ...

Neo reports:

Go to lectures when it's raining? What do you take me for?

[10:52am] PC Fallen Minion of Yorck couldn't find Astral Surfer

PC Fallen Minion of Yorck reports:

On Tuesday at 1052 I tried to kill Astral Surfer. I failed to find his room much less him so ran off to a lecture trying to avoid looking too suspicious.

[14:50pm] Michael Cripps left a note for Sideshow Barbara

Michael Cripps reports:

I left a note for Sideshow Barbara:


Sadly the card wasn't from me.

Shame about the chocolate though.


[16:50pm] Sinistar hungered for Niall Taylor (one-three-seven)

Sinistar reports:


Blood Is The Best Lubricant reports:

I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem to act like an eagle. After a while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an eagle. He sees two parrots below and starts to attack, but it's his parents. Then, some more pornography.

[18:10pm] Deputy Police Chief Div killed an innocent who wasn't Sideshow Barbara

Deputy Police Chief Div reports:

I think it might be necessary to set up an inquiry into the death of an unfortunate civilian in Newnham. Maybe Hutton is free? At a slight risk of foregoing the conclusions of the inquiry I think he would find that the blame for the death lies with the defective room numbering system in Newnham, that the unfortunate policeman who shot the innocent made his assessments in line with available evidence, and that the police commanders are also free of blame (although the unfortunate policeman in question might have been subconciously influenced by the cop's instructions to kill "those who look at you in a disrespectful manner, or seem in any way not to be good and proper members of society... and...").

The facts of the matter are something like this: I walked around in the first floor of Clough looking for Sideshow Barbara's room. When I had walked the length of the corridor I had seen 113 and 115, but not 114. Walking back again a girl walked out of the door between 113 and 115, and inside the room I saw the number 114 painted on the wall. So naturally I shot her. When she told me that she knew nothing about assassins I realised that she was in fact coming out of a gyp room. Room numbers were painted on the cupboards, and "114" was simply the only one visible hrough the half-open door from where I was standing. And room 114 turned out to be on another separate little landing together with three other rooms, connected to the rest of the first floor by half a flight of stairs.

As I am sure you can see it was a perfectly reasonable mistake to make under the circumstances, that wouldn't have happened if the rooms were not numbered in such a silly fashion.

This was indeed an unfortunate mistake. However, Deputy Police Chief Div did kill an innocent, so I have no choice but to add him to the crooked cop list. Since he didn't mean to do anything wrong, he may still be redeemed for good behaviour; killing the real Sideshow Barbara would be a start ...

Neo reports:

The villain of this affair is indeed the Newnham numbering system, which is really really stupid. I guess it's to put off male visitors.

[23:05pm] Deputy Police Chief Div killed another innocent

Deputy Police Chief Div reports:

I think I've managed to kill another innocent. Someone was standing very quietly outside my door for several minutes (and nobody else lives on my floor) so I opened my door and shot him. He jumped two feet high and became quite uncivil, so I suppose he probably wasn't an assassin after all.

Oh well, I still have some way left to go to my previous innocent-killing record.

Wednesday, 18 February

[11:00am] Miss Teen Oklahoma killed Chris Field (Melvis)

Miss Teen Oklahoma reports:

Followin' the failure of my former attempts ah decided that ah would have to get a bit more "personal" if ah was gonna get anywhere. So I got my half-step-brother Jez to find out what he could 'bout the bad folk that was makin' all this mayhem. He came up good did that boy, finding all manner of information on one particular terrorist, Chris Field. We knew his friends, we knew his timetable, we had incriminating photographs of him caught in flagrante delicto; heck, we even knew the color of his trunks! So ah had ev'rythin ah needed to track him down an put an end to his mischief. But a girl like me wouldn't be safe in the kind of dirty, low-class establishments that he frequented; ah'd have to go in disguise! So ah dressed myself up in some of ma second cousin Frank's clothes, modelling maself on the very epitome of the inconspicuous assassin: James Osborn. Ma disguise complete, ah was amazed to look in the mirror an see ma femininity so well hidden! So ah went down to his place of work, if you can call it that, 'cause it really was a place of awful depravity an such slothfulness. Ah found him taking candy from a vending machine. Ma disguise was so good that ah blended in completely an he didn't notice me as ah crept up on him from behind, pulled my ice pick from my pocket, an brought it down into his neck. His body convulsed an ah was afeared that ah'd done somethin wrong, so ah followed up with several stabs with my pocket knife to his stomach. Then he was still an ah was happy cause ah'd done my Lord's biddin.

Melvis reports:

Just to keep the death/day count up, I went and died.

Miss Teen Oklahoma was somewhat different to descriptions given to me, and we got into a bit of a tussle when she tried to stab me, but I couldn't hold her arm back well enough so it plunged into my chest. I feel like I have been hit by a car really, one of those big american ones. Signing off for another game, Melvis.

[22:45pm] Stephen McCann witnessed some drunken antics

Stephen McCann reports:

During a celebration in kings, i happened to see several dead people getting very drunk... this is not normally something to worry about. I see dead people all the time. But, it was the actions of the walking(well trying to walk) corpse of PC Chronitis that disturbed me. He got very drunk and started threatening many innocents as well as myself, also shouting, "there are no dead and drunk assassins in this room, it is all an imperialist lie, anyone attaining to these views will burn in hell!" I've never seen the walking dead so violent.

PC Johnson watched on and looked unimpressed.

In reflection I no longer fear death, it seems to be as much fun as life... well except in life you get to kill people too. Muhahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!

[23:20pm] Agent IFf found someone who wasn't Sideshow Barbara

Agent IFf reports:

You are lost in a long corridor. Exits lead in all directions.

You go north.

You are lost in a long corridor. Exits lead in all directions.

You go east.

You are lost in a long corridor. Exits lead in all directions.

You go south.

You are lost in a long corridor. Exits lead in all directions.

You go west.

You are lost in a long corridor. Exits lead in all directions.

You can also see:
Sideshow Barbara's door

The door is locked.

You knock on the door.
There is no response.

It's the door that leads into the examination room. There is no light coming from behind the door.

You go east.

You are lost in a long corridor. Exits lead in all directions.

You go south.

You are lost in a long corridor. Exits lead in all directions.

>D You go down.

You are lost in a long corridor. Exits lead in all directions.
You can also see:
A woman, wielding an RPG
Two other women

You start following the woman.
The woman walks south.
You walk south.

You are lost in a long corridor. Exits lead in all directions.
You can also see:
A woman, wielding an RPG (unpainted)
Two other women

You discuss make-up, nail varnish, fashion, gossip and other such matters with the woman. She claims that she has just returned from a themed bop (hence the gun) and is not
Sideshow Barbara.

You leave the woman.

Thursday, 19 February

[14:15pm] Michael Richards hooked Jon Jowett (Astral Surfer)

Michael Richards reports:

Britain! Britain! Britain! Population: One millions. Number of towns, Nine. Average height: Thirty. Shoe size. But just who are Britain? Over the next eleventeen weeks we aim to find out by following the lives of ordinary British folk. What do they, who is they and why?

Assassins are strange people: They hide in their rooms and avoid all social interaction possible. Why? Anyone would think someone was trying to kill them!

MR: Arrrrrr! I am a pirate.
JJ: Nooo! I am scared.
MR: I have hooked you.
JJ: I am dead.

And so our tour of Britain is over for another week. Good Byeeeeeeees!

Astral Surfer reports:

Today I was slaughtered by a pirate just after I had entered the rifle range for the final practice of the week. Just after opening the cunning electronic door (which has pissed us all off ever since it was installed), I was assaulted from behind by a pirate (complete with earring). I ended up with several gashes to my neck and back from his wickedly sharp hook, one of which severed my spine. As I collapsed on the floor I gasped, "But surely this is out of bounds...". My previously trusted friend and ally Michael Richards bent over my rapidly dying corpse and in his dread piratical accent said,

"Arrrr but this 'ere passage be in-bounds. 'Is 'Oliness the Umpire sed so 'imself. Arrrr!"

At this I lost all hope. My reign of terror^H^H^H^Hincompetence was at an end. My last act was to accept the cheque he thrust into my hands as some sick kind of consolation for killing me. Maybe there's a bank in Hell...

The Umpire notes that he will always be happy to clarify exactly what constitutes out-of-bounds for a given society meeting or other out-of-bounds event, but should you not do so the ruling will inevitably be in favour of whoever it was who did take the time to ask him beforehand ...

[18:00pm] PC 666 didn't kill Deputy Police Chief Div

Deputy Police Chief Div reports:

PC 666 had kindly offered to help me redeem myself by killing Sideshow Barbara, and invited me to come to her room at 6pm today.

I was slightly puzzled why she, if she knew what Sideshow Barbara looked like, would help me rather than making the kill herself. And although she gave perfectly rational reasons her instructions to me to come alone also set some alarm bells ringing quietly.

When I punctually knocked on her door and told her it was me she replied "Just a minute...", upon which the ringing of the alarm bells in the back of my head increased in volume to a thunderous roar. I retreated a few steps round a corner, and indeed a few seconds later a hand reached out of the door and fired a few shots. I returned fire, the door closed and I made a tactical retreat.

PC 666 reports:

It's not that I'm dangerously untrustworthy, it's just that I don't trust people who are.

Friday, 20 February

[13:15pm] Dalriada lurked for a target

Dalriada reports:

The end drew near for fridays victim, his last hours on this earth were fading away.... oh crap hes not in. I'll wait, and wait.... maybe his lack of returning to his abode for lunch has left me the possibility of attributing him a different day.... then again maybe i'll come back again later.

[14:35pm] Catherine Hall opened a parcel from Sinistar

Catherine Hall reports:

Having got back after lectures, freezing cold, and miserable, (since I had to rush to a supervision). I thought I would go and see my pigeon hole, since I had visited for a couple of days. Yay thought me!! People love me!! A flyer, Two letters, and a parcel!!! Carefully removing the flyer (gloves still on from cycling) I discovered none were poisoned on the outside. Inspecting the letters. . . .

Hmm. . . . 1 innocent looking letter, 1 suspicious letter, and an innocent parcel!

Trying to decide what to do, I thought about discretion being the better part if valour, and debated leaving all post until it was safe. . . . .

Nope, curiosity will not allow that, oh well, gloves are on anyway, let's see what I've got.

1 innocent looking letter - yup, it's innocent, it's a bank statement, but yay, a cheque has cleared!! Feeling slightly happier, I move on. . . .

Hmm, next parcel or letter . . . let's go for parcel it's more exciting!!! Peeling open the padded envelope I peer inside, ooooo, a CD case, odd, I reach in and pull it out, It gets half way, and I see it was covered in poison!! Thank goodnss for the gloves, pushing it back inside, I threw it away in the next bin. Feeling MUCH happier now, (someone cares that I'm alive!!!) I turned to the most suspicious of the three. . . .

Peeling the envelope open carefully. . . . I empty the contents onto the florr. . . . Ooops, some work being returned!! But a good mark!! Yay me!!!

I skipped all the way up to my room, feeling happy and content with the world, check my emails, adn discover my supervision was cancelled!!! It must be my lucky day. May I live to have many more :)

Sinistar reports:


[16:35pm] The Eighteenth Century Enlightenment Duellist (Please play Handel's 'Sarabande' as he approaches)'s bomb didn't kill Michael Brooks

The Eighteenth Century Enlightenment Duellist (Please play Handel's 'Sarabande' as he approaches) reports:

At 4:40 today, I wired up a bomb to the door of Michael Brooks, complete with musical card detonator, and a blast radius of around 2 metres (0.8 litres).

I knocked loudly on his door, and retreated. Nothing stirred.

I approached the door again, and knocked. I could hear some rustling within, and some black seemed to shift past the spy hole. I pulled out my gun just in case, and withdrew, confident in the knowledge that to open the door even slightly ajar- certainly enough to exit the room- would result in Michael Brooks' explosion.

Michael Brooks reports:

I was busy tidying my room when I spotted someone walk across the court outside my window who I didn't recognise as being from my college and who matched the description I was given of The Eighteenth Century Enlightenment Duellist (Please play Handel's 'Sarabande' as he approaches). Not worrying about it I carried on until there was a knock at my door. I switched on my computer and loaded up my webcam client to see a well-dressed gentleman standing outside my door with an explosive at his feet, against my door. I looked under my door and saw that half of the door was obscured by some white object. He knocked again and ran up my corridor, presumably to move out of the blast radius. I waited until he came back down towards my door and took a snapshot of him as he faced towards my corridor-cam. He then knocked again. I clicked my RBG several times from the inside of the door and scared him away.

Upon opening the door from a safe distance, the explosive detonator failed, and turned out to be a musical card tacked at one side to the bottle and the other to the door. I checked to see if it were a double-bomb / poisoned - it was not, and so took it in for my own modification and usage. I would like to inform The Eighteenth Century Enlightenment Duellist (Please play Handel's 'Sarabande' as he approaches) that: neither is it my birthday, nor am I his sister.

I then set about hunting around the college for my assassin. Disatisfied and assassin-less, I headed over to his college (Clare) and prowled the gates for his possible return. After 30 mins or so of fruitless searching, I headed up to Clare Colony to continue the search. Nothing arose of it, so I returned back home, with the knowledge of who to be gunning down should I spot him in the street.

[17:29pm] Sideshow Barbara received some suspicious messages

Sideshow Barbara reports:

Have received two practically identical text messages, both proclaiming my beauty and stating I have an admirer. Both sent from different phones. Reply to both enquiring who they are etc. Received reply from someone called 'rick' who wishes to meet me in the anchor, knows my name and my membership of the assassin's guild and 'can't stop thinking about me'. Can't stop thinking about turning me into a corpse more like! He/they must think i'm stupid...

Blood Is The Best Lubricant reports:

Lauren was offended that I used the word 'puke'. To me, though, that's what her dinner tasted like.

[18:02pm] PC The Reformed and Benevolent Sir Maxwell D'Hammeur Argentiere BSc SSc AKA [CoPM] One of Mike Cripps' minions killed Lauren Grest (Sideshow Barbara)

Sideshow Barbara reports:

Oh dear. I've just been shot by somebody claiming to be PC The Reformed and Benevolent Sir Maxwell D'Hammeur Argentiere BSc SSc AKA [CoPM] One of Mike Cripps' minions. Still, I'm looking forward to the afterlife, leaving my door open, actually trusting people and most importanlt, being able to come back from the shower in a towell again. My only regret is that i didn't use my time as a criminal more wisely. Think of all the unpoisoned doorhandles, the police I could have slayed and what would have been most satisfying of all, killing that pesky Michael Cripps. Never mind, there's always another game. Sideshow Barbara will return.

PC The Reformed and Benevolent Sir Maxwell D'Hammeur Argentiere BSc SSc AKA [CoPM] One of Mike Cripps' minions reports:

i would like to dedikeight this repawt to rowsmaree warna four she has bean a grate sauce of incourijement and inspirayshon in my asasinz carear she has also set the standad in repawting and use of langwidje and it is only rite to reconize that now maxwell was back in akshun after a long spel on the siydlines but felt that he had unfinished biznus and shud pay something bak to the game after his noughtiness earlier so he desided to join the plees fors and go after criminuls and incompitents to show that he wasnt all bad and that his hart was in the right plaice even if his jamjar was often yewsed with eksessiv enthuseeasm the awl powerfull umpyre kindly aloud maxwell to begin his redempshun with a targit in the colige nekst door thats luky thawt maxwell ive got somewon i kan try to kill withowt going two far from wair i live so ill go to her starecase and see if i can find her so maxwell walked into newnum on his way into toun that aftanoon when he got to her starecase he was very konfused as the numbas on the rooms were all random and he coudunt find numba one hundrud and fortene ive got to exploar and find the rite plaice exclamed maxwell so he went rownd and abowt and finally fownd the korect room aha ive made it maxwell showted and reelized that you kud get a good vue of the dore from the stares ill come bak later muzed maxwell layta that aftanoon maxwell finnished his shoping and heded bak to his bayse in selwin it was almost thyme for all insidently maxwells favorit lurking thyme so maxwell desided to trie again he fownd the room much kwika this thyme and weighted on the starecase as pland he then relized he had a splinta in his finga and spent ten minits piking it owt while had sydeshow barbra warkd up she cud easily have kild him but she didnt so maxwell had a luky iscayp maxwell herd pepul coming down the coreedor twoords him, and warkd up the stares to the next level maxwell thawt about giving up but reelizd that rowsmaree wud not be impresd so he warkd bak down the sytares and peered at sydeshow barbra's daw maxwell saw it opening at last im in here thawt maxwell exiytidly he hung bak and weighted for her to wark towards him then as she aprowchd his hyding plaice he stepd out and calld loren she was yewsing her mobile fone and lookd up with an expreshun of ora maxwell fired his gun and loren fel to the grownd her corpse askd if maxwell had been texting her abowt meating in the ankor pub but he had not what a mistree to take to your grayve maxwell duely noted that this was his fiftyth kill in this asasinz game and he had made his first step twoords prooving that he was a reputabul sitisun of cambrij maxwell breethd deeplee breething fresh ayr rather than the smog of korupshun it was a plezunt chaynge he holsterd his gun and prowdly left the cene of the criyme for those who beeleave this repawt contayns an inadekwat amownt of puntuashun you are rong..!?",,.!,,!!".."

[18:35pm] Deputy Police Chief Div encountered the corpse of Sideshow Barbara

Deputy Police Chief Div reports:

I just back from Newnham. I got there a bit after 6pm and lurked for half an hour. Then Sideshow Barbara turned up and told me that she had died at about 6. Maybe just as well since she came from the "wrong" direction, and being shot by the criminal I was lurking would probably marginally more annoying even then being corrupt with no redemption in sight.

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Produced at Fri Apr 9 00:31:25 2004