Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 3 News

Monday, 8 November

[09:58 AM] Gridley Quayle shot an "innocent"

Stephen McCann Reports:

Can a retired assassin not answer a phonecall from his mother without being brutally assaulted with a gun???

I had left the lecture early because my mother didn't realised that my lectures end at 9.55am, and was having a pleasant conversation with her when the awful mobile phone reception of Mill Lane caught up with me.

So i was on my way outside to get a few more bars on my phone when I saw Simeon Bird leaving the lecture hall, I waved at him even though I had heard he was wanted for assaulting innocents and cats again, but never for a moment thought he would attack me.

After I got outside I realised my phone wasnt going to get reception anytime soon so I was putting my phone away when I saw Simeon. He had his eye on something, It was a cat across the road, I ran to save the cat and through myself in the way of his bullets, he ran off when he realised the cat hadn't spotted him.

Now I can finally get some reception on my phone.

[10:56 AM] Adam Biltcliffe didn't see Steve Pettitt
Adam Biltcliffe reports:

Arrived back in Cambridge at 10.44 and decided that having already missed three-quarters of my VLSI Design lecture I may as well find something productive to do with the rest of my time, so, carrying my huge rucksack like the filthy travelling hippy I am, I sped over to Biochemistry and attempted to conceal myself in a sea of second-year natscis. Despite the immense subtlety of my hiding place and the perfect view of the exit it afforded, I failed to see Steve anywhere, so I waited until the hordes had died down and then slunk away in defeat.

[13:08 PM] Carrie Oliver killed Helen Chambers (Spongebob)
Carrie Oliver reports:

I know she has a practical... and I know where she sits... and I know when it ends ... hence I know she is dead.

[14:10 PM] Ed Heaney (Gyrognome Fighter-Organist), Ed Saperia (Trilby "The Deerstalker" Fedora) and Gridley Quayle attacked Dunky B

[14:15 PM] Dunky B eliminated Ed Heaney (Gyrognome Fighter-Organist)
Ed Heaney reports:

Alchemical Experiment 2: Transmutation of the SWAT Team into a pile of oranges.

The elemental ingredients for the starting state were exactly seven times those of Experiment 1.

The elemental ingredients required for the transmutation were provided by:

Paper, 19 sheets.
One trumpet case.
One large box.
Pasta, 5 kg.
One decoy of Simeon Bird, carefully drawn by a skilled artist and mounted on a stick.
Several RBGs.

Health and safety:

In accordance with the stringent health and safety rules, the trumpet case was labelled "KNIFE", the pasta "THROWING KNIVES", the large box "GRAND PIANO". In addition,the decoy of Simeon was labelled "SIMEON", in case anybody should fail to be taken in.

Experimental write-up:

The scientist proceeded to draw the transmutation circle, perform the appropriate preliminary chants and clear the area. He then went to his storage area to acquire the experimental ingredients, at which point the CoP leapt out, proceeded to pepper the scientist with nerf darts, and declare to the corpse that the scientist was wanted for unlicensed attempts to transmute the police force.

In its death throes the corpse of the scientist laboriously rigged up RADAR, signs proclaiming the location of his colleagues, pasta, knives, decoys etc.

None of these were relevant to the experiment, although the decoy was cunningly transmuted into a perforated decoy by PC White Rabbit.

That is the end of the second experiment. For the third experiment, we shall be taking a break from the course to look at one of the most talked-about transmutations of recent times, that of the transmutation of a monkey into the Umpire.

[15:00 PM] Dunky B led the SWAT team on a siege of Gridley Quayle and Trilby "The Deerstalker" Fedora

[16:20 PM] Sir Sven Ø'Bjørnchester Samuel J. McHølzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahøy! Wilsøn assassinated Michael Scott (Sparky)
Sir Sven Ø'Bjørnchester Samuel J. McHølzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahøy! Wilsøn reports:

An incompetent? in a college so close to mine? How outrageous!

With "information leading to the capture of" - well, elimination - provided by a handy informant, it was but the work of moments to intersect him on the way out, and the rest you probably can work out.

Sparky reports:

He lacked finesse, style and subtly, he made himself extremely obvious with his persistent meanderings past my window and his emotionless features belied the nervous energy that burned within. But he showed dedication.

Having returned from lunch at 1:30 I was aware of his stare as I entered the main quad at Tit Hall and the eyes in the back of my head allowed me to follow his movements as he tried to decide should he make his move there and then. Having chosen not to he must have rued his missed opportunity for the next 3 hours as he circled the grounds wondering what time I would emerge from my sanctuary. A personal crisis prompted my exit but even in my haste I was aware of his clumsy presence and considered surprising him in the archway of B staircase but I felt that such dedication should be rewarded and so it was that I walked into his bullet before thanking him graciously and rushing on my way.

[18:30 PM] White Rabbit got rid of Bruno Min (O-ren Ishii)
O-ren Ishii reports:

The world mourns at the death of O-Ren Ishii..... I had actually forgotten that I would be on the incompetents list... but I only have myself to blame for putting the assassins at the bottm of my list of priorities.

[22:00 PM] The Linux Crusader, picking off Windows users one by one... tried to kill Weekend breakfast armageddon

Tuesday, 9 November

[00:30 AM] A Sky Full of Hat failed to blow up Skeletor

[10:50 AM] Stalu ond Cwalu bepoisoninged Adam Baird Fraser's wheelie-wheelie
Adam Baird Fraser reports:

Another ineffective, indirect attempt. This time my bike handles were contact poisoned, but so liberally that I would have to be very lame not to spot it. Incidentally, I had contemplated doing this to one of my targets, but didn't have the advantage of seeing them cycle up to their house when I was with a police raid.

Stalu ond Cwalu reports:

But the manlie mans of grated ire was paranormals in excessivishness, for he not onlie avoideded the one poisone, he avoidededed them all! Cwalu was lividish that their sneakliest plane yetterings had not cwalued the one of ire. Reflectling hard in each other's crimsionlinessness didst they finalstly perfectle a plane of not onlie sneaklieness, but cunninings, devioushness, dastarderlyness ond veilishness to boot.

Stalu deeded to hidier in the computerings casticle, and waiter on the mans of grated ire to leaf its sanctery. Once this particle of the plane was accomplishing, (albeit with grated sneaklieness indeeded,) didst Stalu watch the ired one's acting. The Ired one provings paranormals, and sneaklie as ever, had a conscraption of veily veil, a zoomstering biscuitle. Such a conscraption wouldst make Trivial Pursuit looker likest that mathsematicals word... umm... oblivious in comparticles to pursuiting the ired one.

So Stalu ond Cwalu perfectled their besterest plane ever, ond sneakled ond scufflied ond sneakled again downing the lain of the godlie son. Quickles didst they finderings the wheelie-wheelie conscraption, ond reflectling in the lights of the lighty lights of the godlie-son-lain lighties dids't they dastarderly bepoisone the devises handybars. only then didst they bugger off quickishness, ond get bitteren by a catly cat of veil. Nasty bugger.

[11:15 AM] Chronitis eliminated Simeon Bird (Gridley Quayle)

[12:50 PM] Oook brought down Ed Saperia (Trilby "The Deerstalker" Fedora)
Oook reports:

With lectures finishing early, The Cleric and I lurked outside, waiting for Ed Saperia to emerge. After a while, the already dead Simeon approached, waiving an RBR at us, obviously to no effect. Ed then came out, gun in hand, and they headed off. We followed closely, until we caught up to try some friendly conversation. Simeon again tried shooting us, before (needlessly) pointing out he was in fact dead. The Cleric took out his gun, and started shooting at Ed, but all his shots fell short, before he was driven off by Ed's RBR. I took the opportunity to sneak round behind Ed, who hand misunderstood Simeon, and thought I was a non player. While he was reloading, I bang-killed him in the back. Had a nice chat before heading back for donuts.

[13:30 PM] Bow Tie tried to explode Fawn Dell Maibalz
Fawn Dell Maibalz reports:

This morning someone left a bomb outside my dore. It was most cunningly made from a bottle, with a wee bit of electronics on the side and a capactor the size of my nose. It was left outside my room when i was at lectures, so when i got back i was somewhat surprised to find a bomb that had alreddy been set off, by my bedder i presume. Furthermoor, my neighbour had been distracted from his work by the loud noise coming from the bomb, and he had defused it for me. So now i have a working bomb, which i plan on recycling. Thank you anonymous assasin.

Bow Tie reports:

with cunning and stealh i stalked to the door of the marked man he would never see the light of the corridor again if the devious device i left has it's way with him and again i disappeared into the shadows once more...

[14:15 PM] Mong went looking for Quentin

[17:50 PM] A Woman's Intuition exploded Chris Jones (Liverfits)

[18:45 PM] (the) Squeaking Weasel tried to kill Blanche
(the) Squeaking Weasel reports:

It all seemed so easy. Too easy, in fact. Thus was going on a spot of inco-bashing in the form of Blanche, knife up sleeve, gun in pocket, knocking on her door. A distant voice replies "Come in." And then the unexpected happened. I open the door and her room is HUGE. And she is on the opposite side She is way out of knifing distance, and my poorly callibrated derringer wouldn't have a chance at that range. She, momentarily stunned, did not pick up the RBG on her desk straight away. I didn't want to hang around, so made like any good rodent does. Failed assassination attempt, but at least the darkness outside hid my features well, and I know exactly what she looks like.

Like a good weasel, I shall wait my time. And it will come,

Oh yes...

[22:50 PM] The Umpire scared Adam Baird Fraser and Lauren Grest
Lauren Grest reports:

Myself and my less-glamorous assisstant were walking down past Magdalene, all perfectly innocently mind. We were having a lovely non-assassins conversation about the weather and generally being decent citizens when all of a sudden our plesant amble was turned into one of terror. Out of nowhere, two figures ran towards us, screaming and flailing in a most terrifying fashion. Immediately, my assistant leapt to save my life and I squealed in a sterotypically girly fashion and reached for my cleverly concealed gun, only to discover it was our Umpire, Mr Martin O'Leary and his girlfriend. This was a man I had previously respected for his quick wit and interesting choice in hats. After much laughing at our fright, we departed and continued to discuss current affairs and other wholesome topics. I think my heart has just about slowed down now.

Adam Baird Fraser reports:

We were walking through town this evening, minding our own business when suddenly we are accosted by two shady individuals! Jumping instinctively I go for my gun, only to realise that they are in fact laughing at me instead of shooting. Serves me right for not looking around well enough to see the Umpire and gonzo cross the road behind us :D

Wednesday, 10 November

[06:15 AM] CMO failed to explode Leonidas
CMO reports:

He released his explosive load once again, but she was disappointed it happened so soon. "If I hadn't come early I might have missed you," he explained.

[09:00 AM] Christopher James Jenkins (Dakeyras AKA The Octopus that lurks under your Antimacassar) blew up Mr Smith's neighbour
The Octopus that lurks under your Antimacassar reports:

With my bulbous, many limbed features hidden in the darkness of a cold cambridge night, i thought it safe to venture out. Following successful infiltration of the lair of my prey, i pondered a while. Hmmmm. Bit anti-social knocking at this hour. So i left a bomb.

For bombing a shared kitchen, The Octopus that lurks under your Antimacassar is declared wanted. Redemption will require the death of one wanted criminal or three targets or incompetents.

[11:00 AM] Prince of Space, The Cleric and Oook went looking for Leonidas
The Cleric reports:

Oook, Prince Of Space and Myself converged outside Emma for a bombing raid on freshly inco'd Francesca Frazer.

Having been killed by her last week in my former incarnation, I knew what I wanted. Revenge.

We strolled up to her fortress, burst into the ante-chamber and noted a lack of people to kill. However, making up for this fact was a distinct lack of absense of bombs. Yea verily there was a medium sized device already in place against the target's door.

After contemplating disarming it and setting our own trap (which would have been pointless) or possibly setting up the second bomb just to add that extra kick to the blast (equally pointless) we decided out work here was done and we were surplus to requirements.

We left a small note on the door and bade goodday to the area. I am ambivalent in reading that she later died that day; I am glad she has been eliminated, but alas not by my hand. Revenge by proxy is never as sweet.

[15:00 PM] The Goblin King killed Francesca Frazer (Leonidas)
The Goblin King reports:

I waited in her shower and planted The Device (TM) and waited for it to do it's work, soon enough she was drawn from her room to investigate at which point I, the Goblin King, pounced and shot her several times, I then took her baby brother and made him a goblin too, it's far harder to outwit the Labyrinth when you're dead before you start.

I then had lovely talk with the deceased and the deceased's next door neighbour who had just come back from town who was also a dead assassin, it's like some sort of dead person's club in that corridor.

I did feel a tiny bit mean though because, you see, she was a slightly ill which I didn't know when I shot her but at least being ill is now the least of her worries as she's dead.

[16:00 PM] John-Joseph Wilks (Sir Seoman AKA Morat) tried to bomb Two Nearly Dead Fish, but missed

In order to redeem himself, Morat will have to kill one wanted criminal or three targets or incompetents.

[17:00 PM] Rachel Macdonald (Blanche) was killed by Madeleine shot Russ Williams (The real King of Wrong), then she

[19:50 PM] The Octopus that lurks under your Antimacassar murdered Lee Harper (Mr Smith) and his girlfriend
Mr Smith reports:

I'm dead. However, the octopus killed not only me, but my girlfriend as well. she's not a very happy corpse. neither am i. bastard.

The Octopus that lurks under your Antimacassar reports:

Having been recently made wanted and being almost certain that i am not enough of an idiot to bomb the wrong door, i went to investigate. Attempting to open mr smith's door resulted in movement within the room. in a panic ran upstairs and came down with the intention to leave but saw mr smith's cheeky face and popped a shot at him.

Missed completely.

Ran outside and from there observed mr smith and friends scout out the building. when they disappeared upstairs i took the opportunity to enter his room, which he had quite cunningly left open for me. Upon entering however, it was not empty as i had expected but rather occupied by the back of a studious looking girl typing at a computer. After a couple of minutes she noticed me, stood and advanced. I, being a bastard woman-killer, shot her twice in the chest.

Ran off again and hid just outside the door, when mr smith predictably emerged, gun in hand. As soon as he showed his murderous face, i shot him dead. his corpse proceeded to shoot me several times in the head, before offering me biscuits and the information that i had just shot his girlfriend.


[21:15 PM] A pack of 51 cards (plus one thing, of indeterminable nature, which may or may not exist) eliminated Edward Galvin ((the) Squeaking Weasel)

[23:15 PM] Fawn Dell Maibalz lurked for The Octopus that lurks under your Antimacassar
Fawn Dell Maibalz reports:

I lurked outsied a certain wanted kit jenkins' outer-door (you need a card to get to his actual room door, how unsporting is that?) for a good while, at the kind of return-from-pub-drunk-into-barrel-of-waiting-assassin time of night. He didn't show. Damn. At least it wasn't a long walk back home for my associate and I.

Thursday, 11 November

[05:00 AM] The Umpire thunderbolted Douglas J Winship (known only as... Jack) for persistent incompetence

[08:58 AM] Adam Biltcliffe tried to kill Steve Pettitt
Adam Biltcliffe reports:

I'm getting too old for this.

Bowing to relentless umpirical pressure, I set out this morning with the intention of killing Steve Pettitt. Ironically, I picked a spot to lurk from which, as it turned out, I would have almost certainly been able to kill him. However, my lurking was disrupted by the presence of a dangerous-looking feral-haired individual, and by the time I was done maneuvering around so as not to risk snabbling, the target had emerged and seen me standing foolishly on the other side of the road, so I gave him a cheery wave and let him cycle off.

Steve Pettitt reports:

Emerge from Castle Wolfsonstein with bike - surprised looking Adam is standing on the other side of the road. Can't be sure he's lurking for me, and besides have hands full with bike, so I decide cycling quickly is the better part of valour, acknowledging him with a nod.

[09:00 AM] The Master, Fellows and Scholars of the College of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Saint John the Evangelist and the glorious Virgin Saint Radegund, near Cambridge tried to explode Mong
The Master, Fellows and Scholars of the College of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Saint John the Evangelist and the glorious Virgin Saint Radegund, near Cambridge reports:

We discovered that one of our number, a Mr Mong, had been spreading Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt about the glorious world of Free Software. We decided that the best way to counteract this was to educate him directly with a bomb.

Approaching his staircase, we saw further evidence of his work: upon the doorframe of his neighbour's room was a label that read, "Mong LIVES HERE". On the bottom of this label was a faintly drawn arrow pointing towards his door.

Having left our educational device, we quickly took our leave from this den of evil.

Mong reports:

Someone tried to blow me up this morning but their bomb was really lame and all I had to do to disarm it was cut the wire from the detonator (which didn't actually work anyway!) I think they may also have poisoned the apple juice that they used for the bomb just so that I can't drink it. Stingy.

[10:02 AM] Adam Biltcliffe again tried to kill Steve Pettitt
Adam Biltcliffe reports:

Admittedly, I could have been lurking one of the other members of Steve Pettitt's evil mafia, but it seemed likely that he'd probably work out soon why I'd been there, and I should attack while I still had the advantage of vague surprise. Accordingly, I set off on a ridiculously circuitous route to his lecture in order to determine that I had not the faintest hope of ambushing him on the way out. This achieved, I relocated to a different lecture, one which offered slightly better prospects of interception. Sadly, I was acting on inaccurate intelligence, and he came from the direction I'd been assured he couldn't possibly approach from. We did a bit of fruitless running around the Downing site shooting at one another, but the moment had already been ruined

Steve Pettitt reports:

emerge paranoia. Arrive at lecture, but who's outside?? Why it's Adam, looking decidedly more shifty, and sadly more alert and blocking my only entrance. Nip round the back of the building and he chases. When I almost run down a dead end, he catches up and we have an exciting but fruitless exchange of bands in the bikeshed. Partly due to being almost out of ammo, and partly because my lecture has started, I leg it round the other side of the building and into the for another hour.

[15:15 PM] Steve Pettitt didn't try to kill Adam Biltcliffe
Steve Pettitt reports:

Cycling full pelt down TCR to a supervision I'm late for, I notice Adam with his back to me about 2 seconds too late to pull my bike over and bang kill him...contemplate going round the block for another pass but decide angry supervisior will not be happy with the extra lateness it will entail.

[16:15 PM] One who only frightens non-players quested for Mr Teatime
One who only frightens non-players reports:

It was rumoured in the city that in a distant land, beyond the pagan, barbarians hordes that lay to the east, there was a centre of Christian civilisation presided over by one Prester John. The rumours were that this man might be useful in our holy struggles against the evil forces to our south. So I was sent to explore towards the east to find him. However as I was leaving I heard a more disturbing rumour that this great king had been sending emissaries to out neighbours and enemies. Although it wasn’t said out loud the quest clearly had to become one to destroy him and see that he was replaced.

Journeying ever east I encountered many strange lands full of people I had never seen the like of before. The native wildlife was also unknown to my eyes and those of my countrymen. Eventually after much searching it was found that we had passed the domain of Prester John and head back towards it. On arriving we asked locals for direction as to where to find him but were always careful to product the true nature of our mission. As we neared his shelter we sent the guides away and then realised the extent of the problem. There was no obvious way in and the pictures that we had were all different and based on speculations on the part of cartographers. Cautiously edging around the place we decided that the attempt on his life was far to dangerous and fled hurriedly lest we were found and slain.

[18:00 PM] Lord Striker tried to kill The Octopus that lurks under your Antimacassar
Lord Striker reports:

Today I made a rubber-fuelled assassination attempt on Christopher Jenkins of the wanted list. In an awkward stand-off situation between what seemed to be a potato gun and my RBG, I loosed off four missiles from behind the door. As things reached boiling point I made good my escape, and, although I don't think that I actually hit him, I remain alive myself. Further action will be necessary to rule out the possibility of revenge attacks from a man who has nothing to lose. Don't get too comfortable Dakeyras...

[22:30 PM] Alex Labram (Catch-23 AKA Kermit) tried to kill MaryPoppins but fell victim to Human Resource Management
Catch-23 reports:

Everyone has heard of Catch-22, which introduces the contradictions of armed forces legislation. It states that attempts to leave the airforce on grounds of insanity requires a certain degree of sanity to perform. Fewer people have heard of its even more fundamental cousin, Catch-23. Catch-23 states than all options are always bad.

Some people attempt to placate Catch-23 - to pass the buck, as it were. I was one such person. In particular, on the night of the 11th of November, I decided to kill MaryPoppins in the hope that this would prevent my own end. But all my options were bad.

On arriving at MaryPoppins's room with a bottle of fizzy water (he apparently prefers this to lemonade, the weirdo), I discovered that his room faced onto an open courtyard and, as such, could not be bombed. Resisting the urge to set the bomb then create a sight screen out of a Sainsbury's bag (I assume that this is in fact illegal?), I settled down to wait. And wait. At a couple of points, people walked past me. One, a girl, caught sight of the "FAKE bomb" message on the back of the piece of paper on which I was examining Green's functions, gave me a worried smile and wandered off. I thought nothing of it - my mind was focused on my target and my maths. At one point I changed position to a location which would hopefully allow me to surprise MaryPoppins.

At 10:30 the girl again wandered past, saw me, looked startled then turned around and wandered off. After my Newnham experience, I was slightly worried that I had freaked her out, but more worried that she might be alerting my assassin. Looking round the corner, I saw her having an apparently non-assassin-related conversation with a random individual. Reassured, I returned to my maths and was thus slightly surprised when the aforementioned individual wandered round the corner and shot me with a rubber band.

I was even more surprised when my killer turned out not to be my target but instead to be another Assassin called Human Resource Management, who had thought I was after him. He should probably not be made wanted as I was writing with a pen labelled knife (although, to be pedantic, I had kept the label turned away from the public gaze) and was writing on a sheet of paper labelled "FAKE bomb" (although, to be pedantic, this was not attached to anything explosive and was, in fact, my maths homework dammit).

I left the fizzy water outside of MaryPoppins's door - I hope he waste too much time trying to defuse it.

Considering all the possible ways I could have gone out, this is a comparatively non-muppetey one - not a bad option at all, especially since I can now join the police. I thus refute Catch-23. Over and out.

[23:15 PM] White Rabbit and Security Notice took out James Richard Wilkinson (Wilks)

[23:20 PM] David Jordan (MaryPoppins) tried to kill David Birch, shot an innocent, and was killed by Prince of Space
David Birch reports:

Well that was more interesting than expected. Peering through the tiny mail slit in my door I notice that there are three rampant Churchillers waving CPSses XPs and lightsabres and stuff. Wow. A reception.

Chris Field managed to do something really clever and get him killed though, so my really clever plan involving fridges and watermelons and elephants and stuff never got off the ground. When they were claiming death, I went and shot the guy who had claimed he came to shoot me, although he did shoot at me first, after claiming he was dead, so even if he wasn't dead he is very naughty and is now dead and I am still not, it was all a bit complicated. Although very funny. Basically I just sat in bed and had the guy who had a pseudonym about radar do all the work for me.

"You come in, have some towels, hats are good." We had a lovely big chat, and showed them around and showed them IRC and fun stuff like that. Then we resolved to bug Monkey by writing about fifty reports about what happened. Heehee... he'll enjoy that. hey, is that a thunderbo...

Prince of Space reports:

Things get rather complex when the following persons coincide: A live armed player, accompanied by a dead armed player and an unarmed non-player on an attempt against a live armed player whose roommate happens to be a live armed player, who happen to have in their room a live armed police officer along with their own unarmed non-player and a self-armed non-player. As I put it afterwards, the rules get 'fudgy', but I think I should refine this to 'oozy, with the odd lump', like pink custard you might say.

It occurred thusly: The first three persons arrive at the room of the target, knock politely and then proceed with true fresher gung-ho to stand in the corridor heavily armed and looking very unsubtle. Mr. Birch answers the knock, by looking through the small gap in his door, which he quickly explains cannot be fired through in either direction. He then invites me to take a look, at which point I ask one of the assailants, Mr. Jordan to step back and then recognise him. By coincidence both myself and Mr. Knowles knew him from school, where he was in the same year as our respective sisters. I also view a tall chap armed with a large water weapon and a sprightly fellow who, for some bizarre reason, was wearing clothing from the Other Place. I then elect to leave the room and join them in the corridor at which point I inform them of my death and subsequent police status. They seemed to believe that I was Mr. Knowles until I corrected them. I then chatted for a while about their targets and uncovered that they were there to attack Mr. Birch. At this stage they were also deceiving me as to the status of the heavily armed fellow, so I was cautious and at this point, unarmed. I was confident however that with the situation thus, their weapons would be useless against me.

Things then slipped into the aforementioned pink custard. Mr. Leung, a man of, shall we say great repute, elected to leave the room also and joined myself in the corridor. More conversation unfurled itself before the assembled parties until the inner door once again opened and Mr. Thomas presented himself. I greeted him, referring to him as Richard twice and asking if he would step out. He was unsure and chose to remain in the room, whilst Mr. Jordan remained unconvinced and attempted to lure him from Mr. Birch's abode. It was apparent that Mr. Jordan believed Mr. Thomas to be Mr. Birch, despite his knowledge of Mr. Knowles and the presence of Mr. Leung. I jokingly referred to Mr. Thomas as Dave, inviting him once again into the corridor, at which point he went back on his previous decision and released the door catch. It became slightly ajar, and then returned to it's previous status as a door as Mr. Jordan fully opened it, and after a brief pause of consideration shot Mr. Thomas, who was an unarmed innocent, with a small water weapon in an area where such acts are considered forbidden.

My officially trained eyes realised that this was a criminal act, and thinking swiftly I gestured for his weapon. Obligingly he handed it to me, I then informed him of his mistakes and raised the weapon, fired, then placed it on the floor. Some more confusion, which is only partially relevant to this case, occurred after this event, wherein the armed dead player waved a light sabre in my general direction. Referencing my prior explanation, this weapon was useless against me, and using my power to skip reasonably well I backed into the room once more. He then chose to execute Mr. Leung, and I retaliated with a swift shot from my sidearm. It was then that he revealed his status as a dead player.

In the aftermath of this event, Mr. Birch and Mr. Knowles were fetched, disappointed that I had already dispatched the fiends for they had circled the entrance and were laying in wait. Ironically, their weapons were completely unneeded against them.

Prince of Space once again saving the people of earth. Now I return to my boot-blacking duties. I like them very much.

Friday, 12 November

[08:30 AM] Adam Biltcliffe stayed in bed and let Steve Pettitt do all the work
Adam Biltcliffe reports:

I knew I was going to have to wake up at 8 this morning, and that Steve Pettitt didn't have a lecture until 10 and so was likely to avail himself of an extra hour's sleep, so I'd planned to leave him a nice present to keep him on his toes. Unfortunately, despite the presence of the half-constructed bomb beside the bed where I had been working on it the previous night, the lure of the lie-in was too great, and I made the strategic decision to abandon the attempt.

[12:00 PM] Dunky B and Ross Edmondson eliminated Marko Cosic (philistine)

[13:10 PM] Butternut Creamcakes killed Jennifer Coates (The Oracle)

[15:22 PM] Adam Biltcliffe lurked for Steve Pettitt
Adam Biltcliffe reports:

The cunning plan had been to get away from the lab early and go and lurk Steve Pettitt on the way out of his Biochemistry practical, having scouted out the area the previous afternoon. Sadly, a supervision interfered and so I decided that the best plan was to lurk outside the dreaded Wolfson Court for his return instead. I arrived in plenty of time, located the most perfect of all hiding places and carefully rehearsed the attack until I was sure that nothing could possibly go wrong. Then I settled in to wait.

At one point my wait was interrupted by a concerned resident, who enquired as to my purpose. I told her I was waiting for a friend, and she looked crestfallen, declaring "I'd hoped you might be waiting for some gorgeous young thing to come this way, so you could swoop out and carry her away." Well, gorgeous though Steve may be, I hadn't intended to carry him anywhere, so I was forced to reply in the negative.

I waited, and waited, and read several chapters of a book lent to me by the nefarious Dave 'Dirty' Birch, and finally, three-quarters of an hour later, I decided that my waiting had been in vain, and that Steve had evidently gone elsewhere and was not likely to return home any time soon. This conclusion having been drawn, I set off home, only to catch sight of the target the second I stepped onto Grange Road and lost all hope of possibly being able to ambush him. I cursed my luck and made my escape across John's playing fields before he could pursue.

[16:30 PM] Bomberman left a dud bomb for gurkha turd 3

[17:00 PM] Takemaru tried to kill Aidan Robison

[17:20 PM] Biggles got rid of Matthew Goldie-Scot (Sir Jeremy Fitsgerald Esquire)

[18:00 PM] Kermit, Security Notice and The blond sherif went to kill Smoke&Mirrors, but got Ben Jones (AngelWhisper) instead

[18:20 PM] The Octopus that lurks under your Antimacassar killed Felicity Boyce (Lincoln Powell)

[21:10 PM] Snap and Crackle brought down Bryony Baines (Fifth Scribe, Chronicler of the Odysseys of Mistress Hetty throughout the Late Chromatic Era of CHARD!), but not before she got to David Jordan (Pop)

[23:30 PM] Bow Tie failed to explode Yossarian

Saturday, 13 November

[12:00 PM] meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles eheu! serpens est!'s letterbomb failed to excite Mong

[13:12 PM] Adam Biltcliffe finally broke it off with Steve Pettitt (Pookie)
Adam Biltcliffe reports:

This morning, Steve Pettitt declared on the #assassins IRC channel that I was a "lazy bastard" for not bothering to lurk his lecture this morning. Well, I decided that such cheek was the last straw, and the only possible course of action was to kill him. Happily, I knew where he was going to be this afternoon, so an hour or so later, I sauntered over to New Hall and concealed myself in a hedge. My careful scouting was observed by a passing old man, who, recognising me as a fellow paranoid, made it know to me in a complex series of gestures and whispers that he had an important secret to tell me. He then proceeded to sing me an incomprehensible song in a faltering voice, before informing me that he had to leave because the chap across the road "looked untrustworthy".

Shortly after that, Steve appeared out of New Hall, having taken the sneaky back route I thought he might. I waited until he was looking the other way and then crept round behind a series of cars and small walls evidently placed there for the purpose. Eventually, I judged myself close enough, and since he was still looking the other way, I walked up behind him and shot him in the back of the head.

You know that bit at the end of The Princess Bride where Inigo Montoya says he doesn't know what he's supposed to do with his life now he's killed the man he's been hunting for so long? Yeah, well, that's how it feels to be me right now. Signing off.

Steve Pettitt reports:

Leaving home in the morning, I made a sweep on foot before boarding my trusty steed to head to lectures via Silly Route B. Slightly put out not to see Adam on the way, still, I'm sure he'll turn up. One hour later, travel between lectures by Obfuscated Route of Dhoom C, involving copious circling around and aerial (well slightly elevated) surveillance of lecture entrance before making a mad dash for it. Still no Adam. Returning home by an equally lengthened route after lurking for another target somewhat half-arsedly - still no sign of him.

By now I'm rather put out, as I notice he's lounging around on IRC when he should be out stalking me, and I tell him so.

Little was I to know that I'd been informed upon by a certain feline individual, and that my wait for a lift at New Hall would be the death of me. Admittedly I had chosen a rather unstrategic spot, but I didn't even have time to turn around, let alone draw a weapon before I heard the Bang. The smug grin on the informant's face told the story. Bah. Still, well done to Adam for a stalking campaign worthy of an injunction, and for having a rather impressive network of spies.

[14:00 PM] meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles eheu! serpens est! failed to poison or explode Carrie Oliver

[17:15 PM] A Pen Labelled Kife lurked for KCopyKCat

[17:30 PM] Weekend breakfast armageddon and Robert Standing brought down Neil A D Sadler (Lord Striker) and Christopher James Jenkins (Dakeyras AKA The Octopus that lurks under your Antimacassar)
Robert Standing reports:

Having induced a friend to WHOA HELL THE SKY IS PRETTY... Yes, having induced said friend to assist us in killing Neil Sadler, Weekend Breakfast Armageddon and I made our way to Magdalene College, where we were led to Neil's room. However, seeing as Neil was not in, our accomplice scouted around, and managed to find both Neil and Kit Jenkins engaged in a game of pool. He brings us into the room and introduces us as "two friends from another college". We make very forced small-talk for a while, letting them finish their game. As soon as the last ball had gone down the hole, we rushed forward, and shot one target each. Afterwards, we had a short chat with the corpses, then we all went on our merry ways.

[22:50 PM] Ross Edmondson eliminated Robert Duschinsky (Smoke&Mirrors)

Sunday, 14 November

[02:20 AM] Morat killed Adam Baird Fraser (Lanfear's Puppet AKA A Pen Labelled Kife) and Lauren Grest (The Linux Crusader, picking off Windows users one by one...)

[12:50 PM] His Greatness the King Teppicymon XXVIII, Lord of the Heavens, Charioteer of the Wagon of the Sun, Steersman of the Barque of the Sun, Guardian of the Secret Knowledge, Lord of the Horizon, Keeper of the Way, the Flail of Mercy, the High-Born One, the Never-Dying King... lurked for Takemaru

[14:30 PM] Dirty Birch tried to find Nathan James Bowler
Dirty Birch reports:

Sunday at 2:30pm I got wind of news that Nathan "the highest headpiece" Bowler had been sighted in Sainsbury's. Throwing off my purple velvet dressing-gown in disgust, and putting my pipe on its holder above the fireplace, I rapidly changed into my favourite lycra cat-suit and made for everyone's favourite local supermarket (even if they don't do the 2 for 1 hobnob offer any more). Sadly, Mr. Hat had left for home in the time it had taken me to get there. An accomplice followed his most likely route home, while I lurked in town, in case he was still about. Didn't find him. Bugger.

[15:30 PM] Martin Lester lurked a bit for Mr Teatime
Martin Lester reports:

I noticed that there was an inco not far from me, so I thought I might as well try to kill him. Through the magic of the (lol) Internet I discovered that he was meant to be providing tea and cakes in the Hughes Hall MCR at 16:00. I therefore expected him to leave his room to organise them about half an hour before then.

Annoyingly, all the doors, even those to semi-public areas within the college, appear to be code-locked. Furthermore, my youthful appearance made me look rather out of place among all the old ladies. I decided to lurk conspicuously where I could see the obvious exit from the inco's building.

I saw a couple of males and greeted them with a somewhat clumsy (but he's only an inco) "Patrick?". One, wearing a USA T-shirt, claimed not to be Patrick, before entering his building; the other claimed to be a David.

I also met and waved to an old lady called Stumo, carrying laundry out of the inco's building. Fearing that my presence might be revealed and that the inco might actually fight back, I left at about 15:45.

[16:00 PM] Alex Pavlaki (The Godfather) murdered an innocent

[19:00 PM] Expecting Someone Taller? led an attack on Morat
Expecting Someone Taller? reports:

Aahh, tis November. The sweet stench of corruption on the evening air. The setting sun, so red, the blood of innocents on the ground, the the tingling of power just beyond reach. The cackling of the evil criminal in his lair summoned the Good and Worthy officers to his realm, where they didst plot, and lurketh, and found all the best hiding places. But eventually they got bored and buggered off..

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