Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 5 News

Monday, 22 November

[09:05 AM] Martin Lester killed Matthew Johnson (Nikolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky AKA Sir Sven Ø'Bjørnchester Samuel J. McHølzhauer Yirteen-blimps-ahøy! Wilsøn AKA His Greatness the King Teppicymon XXVIII, Lord of the Heavens, Charioteer of the Wagon of the Sun, Steersman of the Barque of the Sun, Guardian of the Secret Knowledge, Lord of the Horizon, Keeper of the Way, the Flail of Mercy, the High-Born One, the Never-Dying King...). At last.
Martin Lester reports:

He probably knew my lecture times; he almost certainly knew about my supervision times; he knew when I would be attending society meetings; he knew I was trying to kill him. Hence I was rather anxious for him to die.

I got up early this morning and hid in the large office waste paper bin by the side of his house. Holding up the edge of the lid with one hand, I could just about make out the head of an occasional person passing by.

At a little before 09:00, I saw Zebbie leave the house. 5-10 minutes later, Felix walked past, with CPS 1000 in a bag in front of him. I shot him in the back.

I offered him a happyfluffycaian hug, but he said his CPS was in the way. Also, I had been sitting in a bin for the last hour or two and smelt of curry sauce.

Matthew Johnson reports:

And so finally it ends. It appears I am not sufficiently paranoid to be a Hardened Deathmaster.

The chase is over, the hardest time I've ever had in an assassins game - go look at the targetting graph afterwards if you really want to know why.

Props to Maz, it was a dedicated and very good kill, completely deserved. Exactly following my first rule of good assassinations (and Mao rules) - use something they hadn't even previously considered as possible.

On the plus side I can actually go and work on the AutoUmpire with a real test set now...

[13:05 PM] A tree dwarf disposed of Duncan Brewer (Dunky B)
Dunky B reports:

The CoP is dead. Long live the CoP. Whilst distracted by a cunningly placed Bacon and Sausage Baguette, I was brutally shot. Deciding to exchange paranoia for lectures led to my demise as my attackers' beautiful assistant lured me to my doom with the promise of said baguette. Well, at least I can go to Sainsburys again, am out of food. CoP Out.

[13:20 PM] A tree dwarf got the better of Christopher Knowles (Bomberman AKA AND I'D HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR THAT MEDDLING KID!)

On my way back from the Engineering Department I was suddenly aware of a mad flurry of footsteps behind me. By the time I had twisted around and reached for my gun, however, I was felled by a series of 'BANG's sufficiently rapid to make me suspect that, as well as the RBG I could see, my assailant had a machine gun concealed somewhere about their person.

As I died, my plan to kill my next target flashed before my eyes, and I cried out defiantly "AND I'D HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR THAT MEDDLING KID!"

[15:35 PM] Kermit fought off Tom Booth (Kilroy-Silk)
Kilroy-Silk reports:

Police Entry Examination.
30 mins. Multiple choice.

1. You decide to go after a wanted criminal. Do you
… a) Organise a SWAT raid or join one set up by the CoP?
b) Go it alone, and to hell with the odds!?

2. You possess two RBGs. How many do you take on the raid?
a) Two.
b) One.

3. You arrive in the target’s college and meet a friend. Do you…
a) Try to work out how many Mafiosi your target has?
b) Have a couple of beers and discuss bygone days?

4. Your friend has been playing with your weapon (the RBG, fool) and has helpfully reloaded it. Do you… a) Reload it yourself to be sure? b) Assume blithely that it works, ignoring the possibility that it will fail at a crucial moment and leave the potentially deadly band dangling off the end of the gun like an unrolled prophylactic?

5. You decide the job will be easier if you take an accomplice. Whom do you choose? a) A friend of the target who visits him regularly. b) An acquaintance of the target who has never, ever called on the target in his room.

6. You approach the target’s door. Do you… a) Stay silent all the way down the target’s corridor and hide behind the corner while your accomplice talks to him? b) Talk loudly with your accomplice until you are right outside your target’s door?

7. You are in a firefight with your target. He has more guns and they have superior range to yours. He offers you a truce and some after-eights. What do you do? a) Accept. b) Pretend to accept, then run after the target, hoping he has let his guard down.

8. You are right-handed and your right arm is wounded. What do you do? a) Call it a day, cut your losses and leave. b) Get an accomplice to reload your gun and go after the target with only one arm.

9. You are hunting an incompetent and find a bomb outside their door. What do you do? a) Leave it. b) Disarm it and hide behind a corner.

10. Someone of the target’s gender approaches the target’s door. Do you… a) Use some devious ploy to ascertain her identity, then shoot her if she is the target? b) Leap out from your hiding place screaming and shoot her?

End of examination.

I was thinking that, in future, CoPs might like to implement something like the test above to weed out total and complete muppets who die in silly ways. A good example was this afternoon. It was Corkscrew, we knew where he was, he was an easy target, a guaranteed kill.

Bollocks he was.

Arriving about five minutes before the end of the supervision, I scouted the area to discover that my SWAT backup, supposed to be there to cover the exits, had decided not to bother. Great. So, donning the Beret of Ultimate Terror, I hid behind a (as it turned out later, transparent) bush and waited for Corky to appear.

When he finally emerged from the supervision, accompanied by Ed, I of course dashed out and tried to shoot him, but being a cowardly and dishonourable knave he legged it rather than fight. At this point I was rather held up firstly by Ed and then by having to check round corners for an ambush when Corky had clearly just run off. Ed then vanished mysteriously, and I couldn’t reach AbF by phone to tell him Corky was on his way home.

This is where being impatient and easily bored becomes a major handicap. Rather than packing it in and going to the library, I made my way to Corky’s abode, thinking he might have taken a more roundabout, and hence slower route, out of Christ’s. It was also possible that Ed was in, and he could let me into the house to dispatch Corky at my leisure. I was, in the event, foiled, as Corky heard me buzzing and shot me from the window. Damn.

I guess it wouldn’t be an assassins game if I didn’t die to ChriMaf in some stupid way, though, so I'm not too put out.

Kermit reports:

As Kermit left the Hispaniola, seeking food and water for his crew, he was startled to see a dark shape lurking in the bushes. Could it be? His true love, Benjamina Gunn, still alive after all these years? Then the apparition stepped forward and he saw that it was no beautiful woman but rather the leader of the Warthog tribe, Kilroy-Silk the Unkillable.

Realising he was outgunned, Kermit fled the scene, the hideous snorting of the warthog resounding in his ears.


Sitting at his Captain's logbook, Kermit pondered his lucky escape - his fleetness and knowledge of the terrain had surely saved his life. Suddenly, he was startled by a knock from outside. Some beast was trying to hack through the tough planks of the Hispaniola in a vain attempt to board Kermit's ship!

Leaning out of the window, Kermit saw Kilroy-Silk the Unkillable striking viciously at the side of the ship, seemingly infuriated by his inability to get inside. Readying his handgun, the Captain fired repeatedly at the enraged creature, smashing it to the ground.

Calmly returning to his logbook, Kermit continued with his day's journal: "Captain's log, 22nd of November, three o' the clock and fourty: The provisions situation has been resolved. There will be much pork for dinner tonight..."

Tuesday, 23 November

[08:30 AM] Chard!mander went after David Stark
David Stark reports:

This morning at about half eight, as I stepped out of my room, I heard a rush of feet towards me. I instinctively retreated and fired my gun in the direction of my assailant, who had likewise begun to shoot at me with his rubber band gun. I retreated around the corner, at which point the attacker left without a word. Neither of us had hit the other. I then continued on with the daily work of sharpening my knifes and glancing about constantly.

[09:10 AM] Stalu ond Cwalu and a n other lurked for Ross Edmondson
a n other reports:

Spent more than half an hour waiting for Ross, but he didn't show.

[11:10 AM] Markoved Man bumped into Nathan James Bowler
Nathan James Bowler reports:

I have found, as rule in life, that a tendency to be late is quite useful. Take today, for example. On awakening this morning, I turned off my alarm clock, rolled over and fell asleep, all in one well practiced maneuver. This is an essential technique that all assassins should learn, but the timing must be impeccable: When I woke up for good, I just had time to be fashionably late for Fluid Dynamics.

This lateness came into its own when, as I was ambling along the path in the direction of the lecture, I saw an assassin (whom I shall christen 'the Early Bird' for the purposes of this report) headed in the opposite direction along a parallel path. It seems that he had decided that he had done enough lurking for one day. I didn't think he'd seen me, so, after passing him (It was too early in the morning to do exciting things like trying to kill him), I turned and gave him a commiseratory wave.

For a moment, E. Bird stood in a state of confusion, working out (I assume) what to do. In fact, it was rather more than a moment. It lasted so long that I almost began to doubt he was targeting me at all. Then he charged.

Another rule for life: have a role model. Somebody who you can admire, who you want to be like. Someone who, when you find yourself in a tough spot, is worthy of the thought 'what would they do in this situation?'

So it was that in this case I modelled my actions on those of brave, brave Sir Robin. Judging that danger had indeed reared its ugly head (no offence, Birdy), I did indeed flee, with great bravery, drawing my EBG as I went. To my horror I discovered that, in my haste, I had dislodged one of the bands, most inconveniently rendering the thing useless. I waved it in a vaguely threatening manner and ran on.

My extra speed over the final leg of my journey made me earlier than I would have liked, but at least I shall live to be late another day.

[13:00 PM] Russell Mark Williams (meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles eheu! serpens est! AKA Madeleine shot Russ Williams (The real King of Wrong), then she AKA 01010100 01101111 01101111 01001101 01100001 01101110 01111001 01000011 01101111 01101101 01110000 01110011 01100011 01101001 01110011 00000000) and David Stark (Robert Standing) killed each other.

[13:15 PM] Jeff Snyder (The Hands of Phate) waited for Nathan James Bowler
Jeff Snyder (The Hands of Phate) reports:

Old Jeff Snyder had a lurk
And on that lurk he had a gun
With a bang-bang here
Bang-bang there!
Here a bang! there a bang!
Everywhere a bang-bang!
Old Jeff Snyder had a lurk

Old Jeff Snyder had a lurk
And on that lurk he had a knife
With a stab-stab here!
Stab-stab there!
Here a stab! there a stab!
Everywhere a stab-stab!
Bang-bang here
Bang-bang there!
Here a bang! there a bang!
Everywhere a bang-bang!
Old Jeff Snyder had a lurk

Old Jeff Snyder had a lurk
And on that lurk he had a bomb
Stab-stab here!
Stab-stab there!
Here a stab! there a stab!
Everywhere a stab-stab!
Bang-bang here
Bang-bang there!
Here a bang! there a bang!
Everywhere a bang-bang!
Old Jeff Snyder had a lurk

[17:20 PM] The seven Dwarves shot at Aidan Robison
Aidan Robison reports:

As I was leaving my room this afternoon I spotted The seven Dwarves lurking relatively nearby, so I ducked back into my room before he could even really think of doing anything about it. I hope he didn't waste too much of his time.

[21:20 PM] A Blunt Kitchen Knife killed David Manning (Biggles)
A Blunt Kitchen Knife reports:

After receiving an email from the Head of Security I decided to offer my services, and so met the SWAT raid at the entrance to King's. Setting off initially to Tit Hall Dalriada and myself sneakily snuck into the Porter's Lodge and achieved by deception a glance at the Matriculation photo. Armed now with a mental image of our target we made our way to his room, only to find him out.

After this we rejoined the rest of our squad at the main gate and took off to Bateman street to meet our next target. After a bit of a walk we got there and lurked the area. I could see people in the basement common room, and one who my assassins sense told me was definitely who we were after. We elected to wait for the more innocent looking of the police to knock on the door, and when she arrived and knocked David came to the door in his bare feet, unarmed. Seeing that my sense was once again correct I shot him.

[21:55 PM] A Blunt Kitchen Knife eliminated Thomas Robinson (Yossarian)
A Blunt Kitchen Knife reports:

Returning once again to Tit Hall we headed to Tom's corridor but found the door locked. Luckily a helpful neighbour was going up, so I suggested that the rest of the team follow him while Steve and I lurked the bottom. Finding him still not back we headed round to the bar, where we lurked outside for a while. Shortly afterwards a familiar character exited, so thinking quickly I went for subtlety and shouted "Tom!". He looked around and I shot him.

Wednesday, 24 November

[09:05 AM] Fawn Dell Maibalz lurked for Ross Edmondson

[17:15 PM] Bow Tie failed to explode the light in the dark
the light in the dark reports:

4:15 One returned home from a spot of shopping to find a bomb on one's door. Suspectng a most uncivalised bomb lurk one retreated to gather reinforcements.

5:15 Having finally found one's beautiful assassitant one returned to safely denotated the bomb, one's assassin appeared to have fled the scene. Upon denonation the most annoying sound eminated from the device, one would kindly request something more melodic by Vivaldi in future.

Bow Tie reports:

i can picture it in my hjead the sonic boom as the cunning divice blows away my victim that i planted it for before leaving with great stealh again

Thursday, 25 November

[19:15 PM] Pildit VIII and the light in the dark eliminated Nathan James Bowler (Bow Tie AKA FAKE BOMB)
Pildit VIII reports:

Today we undertook a dangerous mission to the Land of Nightmares (Trinity). The journey was long and cold, but eventually we found one of the ferocious Frazznats emerging from the Pit of No Return beneath Mount Viltheed. The dreamstone remains safe from Lord Zordrak for now.

Friday, 26 November

[16:02 PM] A Blunt Kitchen Knife, Expecting Someone Taller?, Little Red Riding Hood and Kilroy-Silk assaulted the Umpire with a monkey

[18:00 PM] Ross Edmondson went looking for Martin Lester

Saturday, 27 November

[09:50 AM] Martin Lester ambushed Carrie Oliver

[10:00 AM] Carrie Oliver attempted a cycle-by on Martin Lester

[14:00 PM] A Woman's Intuition and Stalu ond Cwalu lurked for Ross Edmondson

Monday, 29 November

[08:40 AM] a n other lurked for Ross Edmondson

[19:20 PM] Martin Lester lurked for Carrie Oliver

[20:00 PM] Little Red Riding Hood gave the Kiss Of Death to A Blunt Kitchen Knife

Tuesday, 30 November

[11:00 AM] URL hung around looking for Little Red Riding Hood

[17:00 PM] KCopyKCat killed Martin Lester (G.I.Bob AKA The Master, Fellows and Scholars of the College of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Saint John the Evangelist and the glorious Virgin Saint Radegund, near Cambridge AKA 0verkill AKA The Null Pseudonym AKA CMO AKA Markoved Man AKA lol internet AKA I've just lost the Assassins Game), with a little help from Jeff Snyder (The Hands of Phate) and Onion Pixy

Friday, 3 December

[05:00 AM] Silence descends

And thus it ends. 6 assassins made it all the way, and will duel at 1pm this afternoon for the prestigious title of Master Assassin. They are:

  • Adam Biltcliffe (Pildit VIII AKA Jeff Snyder (The Hands of Phate))
  • Aidan Robison (A pack of 51 cards (plus one thing, of indeterminable nature, which may or may not exist) AKA A Woman's Intuition AKA Chard!mander)
  • Carrie Oliver (A Sky Full of Hat AKA the light in the dark AKA A tree dwarf AKA Onion Pixy)
  • David Birch (The seven Dwarves AKA Stalu ond Cwalu)
  • Hywel Carver (a n other AKA Dirty Birch AKA Fawn Dell Maibalz)
  • Ross Edmondson (KCopyKCat AKA Legend of Dragoon)

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