May Week 2004 Game News - Day 3

Sunday, 13 June

[00:10am] AbF assassinated A collection of singing potatoes

A collection of singing potatoes reports:

Well, I spotted that AbF had been in Robinson at 11.30, and guessed that if I walked quickly enough I might be able to get him on his way back to Christ's, thus recouping some of the points I lost earlier on this so far really bad day.

Short attention span, got bored, made attempt on (newly dead) Ed Heaney, left to go home. Saw AbF walking towards me in the dark, secluded alleyway next to Life, and noticed also that he was laden down with chips. Oho! thought I, and ducked into a nearby doorway. He walked up to it, I fired, he fired, we both missed, he hid, jumped out, "bang!" I always forget about that! Damnation and bloody hellfire!

Thought for the day: "Just because you have absolutely no sense of paranoia whatsoever does not mean that others are so stupid."

AbF reports:

Returning to college via the trailer of Life (Gardies was too far, and I'm lazy), I headed down a nice dark alleyway, only to see a suspicious figure slide into a doorway. Walking up carefully he jumped out at me firing, pulling my weapon I fired back, but neither of us hit our targets. We both then retreated back into cover, but I snuck up along the wall, reached round and made a bang kill.

After this I rushed back to my room to enjoy my chips in peace...

[Add/edit reports]

[03:25am] hoopla! made an attempt on The Seven Deadly Sins

The Running Man reports:

18.10 Saturday. Arrive at 124 Histon Road May Ball with Jenny & co. Cat and Kat arrive eventually.

18.30-03.00 Have excellent time, courtesy of Guru Sankar, Chris Webb, Tom Hounsham, Oli Seal, Matt Toms, John Haigh, Alex Steer, Niall Spooner-Harvey, and Tom Kerswill. Re-unite with most of last year's GMaf.

03.00 Set out to watch the sunrise from the Mound on Castle Hill. Decide not to after discovering two people having sex at dawn on top of the mound.

03.20 Enter the Death Star Run between St John's and Caius.

03.25 Detour via Gardie's to see if any assassins are munching late. Emerge into the Market Square. Scanning scanning scanning scanning scanning scanning scanning scanning scanning scanning scanning scanning Paranoid Paranoid scanning scanning scanning scanning scanning scanning scanning scanning scanning scanning scanning scanning Paranoid Paranoid scanning scanning scanning scanning scanning scanning scanning scanning scanning scanning scanning scanning AAARRRGGGGHHHHH A BRYONY A BRYONY OHHHH IT'S A BRYONY

Realise that I am armed with nothing except a carrot which I'm not even allowed to throw any more. Start running like Linford Christie with dysentry across the Market Square towards the Van of Death, looking quite silly in my slacks and blazer. Bryony Baines and several others draw weapons and give chase. Run to hide in the entrance to Coco's and wait there to lie low.

03.30 Realise where hoopla! is headed and start running to St. Paul's Road to arrive there ahead of them.

03.45 Arrive at the Fenner's end of St Paul's Road, where from behind a wall I can see several Caians standing on the steps to the house. I give up for the evening and run off, shouting woefully "I'll get you next time Gadget!".

04.00 Arrive home and disturb housemate's friend sleeping on the sofa. Lucky escape all in all.

[Add/edit reports]

[11:00am] Leader of the People's Democratic Kakistocracy assassinated Winifred

Winifred reports:

It was worth it to stop them rattling the bloody doorknob when I was trying to sleep...

[Add/edit reports]

[11:45am] Leader of the People's Democratic Kakistocracy assassinated The Tigerbunny of Dhooom!!!

The Tigerbunny of Dhooom!!! reports:

Perhaps if I die in enough stupid ways this May Week I'll become a really l33t player.... Maybe.

Next lesson: when cycling up behind two completely unaware assassins either a) cycle really fast past them, or b) ready knife, cycle up to them, stab them

Do not: c) bring bike to a (wobbly) stop just next to them and get killed when reaching for knife.

I'll learn. Eventually.

The Dead Pirate Roberts reports:

Swords. Swords are the way forwards, I say!

[Add/edit reports]

[12:40pm] Adrian assassinated nikilla

Adrian reports:

At long last, I have been playing this game for two terms now. All told I have died 5 times. But today, oh glorious day! I have made a kill.

I will admit, it was very very sneaky. And low. And dastardly. But that's what being an asassin's all about.

Myself and Nikila had formed an uneasy alliance, and I decided to exploit this to my advantage. I phoned her and assured her that I was trapped in my room by two asassins, and needed her help to fend them off.

When she arrived, I shot her from my hiding place on the stairs.

I am ashamed that I had to abuse her trust in order to gain my first kill, but what the hell, what are friends for?

nikilla reports:

honestly, some people, and i thought it was a real emergency, so pah, although it was sort of cunning

[Add/edit reports]

[13:23pm] Supposed Mutilation of Cattle by Venusians assassinated hoopla!

Supposed Mutilation of Cattle by Venusians reports:

With some trepidation, I headed to Sainsburys to obtain essential supplies for a punt trip (beer and jelly babies, if I remember correctly). On my way past I spotted hoopla!, looking the other way. One shot later, her ghost commented "I knew I shouldn't have gone to Sainsburys".

[Add/edit reports]

[13:30pm] Time Bandit assassinated Wolfman

Wolfman reports:

1:30 pm...

Spotted Time Bandit. Shot him. Missed or hit, we were unsure as to result. Agreed to duel. Guess what. Guns jammed. Bugger. Remind me to bang-kill next time...

[Add/edit reports]

[13:44pm] A collection of singing potatoes assassinated WaterDemon

Deuce reports:

I was happily eating lunch in the Spreadeagle with some friends when I spotted two dodgy looking individuals walking past. With a water gun. Grabbing my trusty RBG, I ran out of the pub and up behind the two oblivious assassins, killing WaterDemon instantly with a headshot.

[Add/edit reports]

[13:44pm] Leader of the People's Democratic Kakistocracy assassinated A collection of singing potatoes

A collection of singing potatoes reports:

Having killed Tom, I turned my fire on Chris, and got him in the arm, and I thought in the backpack, but as I ran closer he turned and stabbed me. It was a close call, but he was probably right. Ho hum. At least I can go to the cinema in peace this afternoon, without worrying about who I should be killing.

Leader of the People's Democratic Kakistocracy reports:

He snuck up behind Tom and I on Lensfield road, shots were fired (three I believe) and he revealed himself. Swiftly I realised I had been hit in the left arm, and as my right arm was holding a knife, I stabbed him. Tom died from a shot to the head sadly. Moral of the story, always keepshooting and shout bang lot!

[Add/edit reports]

[14:15pm] Ivy assassinated Time Bandit

Ivy reports:

He spotted us a long way off, but we snucked round behind him and I snabbled him in the middle of Kings lawn.

I saw *actual* Steve mcCann, too, not just the guy who seems to be following us round with shopping who looks alarmingly like him.

[Add/edit reports]

[14:50pm] Brian Eats Brains assassinated random meme

Brian Eats Brains reports:

Johannes was walking past - it would have seemed a terrible pity not to run after him and shoot him.

[Add/edit reports]

[15:05pm] $I_L assassinated Red October

$I_L reports:

*Knock knock*




[Add/edit reports]

[15:25pm] Mungojerrie assassinated The Seven Deadly Sins

The Seven Deadly Sins reports:

A really crappy death, all in all. I walked up Mill Road, to the bus stop, along Pembroke Street, down Mill Lane, past Queens', round John's, and caught the bus to Girton at Kettle's Yard. After arriving, I spent a good 30 minutes scouting out the garden party and saw absolutely no-one.

But they saw me.

Specifically, Mungojerrie saw me. He saw me sitting in the spiral staircase turret, scanning Emily Davies Court. He saw me walk out of the door at the bottom, scanning all the faces around me. He saw me walk across in front of the live music stage up to the Physci Posse. He saw me stand in front of him while carrying an RBG in one pocket and a Storm in the other.

I didn't see him. I saw his RBG. He shot my arm off, and then my guts.

And so Ross Edmondson and I then went to soak the annoying people on the top floor who were throwing water bombs at Cat. We couldn't find them, and I got beer thrown over me by prats from my year who were back for the weekend.


[Add/edit reports]

[15:45pm] Rumpleteazer assassinated The Tigerbunny of Dhooom!!!

[Add/edit reports]

[15:50pm] Rumpleteazer mutilated the corpse of The Dhooomed Tigerbunny!!!

The Dhooomed Tigerbunny!!! reports:

Lesson Number 3:

When trying to sneak up on an assassin, the moment you think 'huh? where'd she go?' is, in fact, 0.5 seconds before the first rubber band hits you.

[Add/edit reports]

[16:00pm] The Eye of Argon assassinated Brian Eats Brains

Brian Eats Brains reports:

Sitting around funday at Kings, who did I see walking by the lawn other than Simeon Bird and Adam Baird Fraser. They conveniently stopped to chat to a friendly corpse in front of a concealed entrance to Bodleys Court - too good an opportunity to miss really. I snuck round to come up behind them, and ran out from behind a convenient pillar spewing forth rubber bands. Unfortunately, AbF knows Kings suspiciously well, and they were expecting me to do precisely this; The Eye of Argon sprayed me with his water pisto; as I came out. After a brief discussion about events, we realised my sots had probably missed, and he'd only managed to wet my arms, so he shot me in the throat to be sure.

[Add/edit reports]

[16:00pm] Supposed Mutilation of Cattle by Venusians made an attempt on A legal non player

Supposed Mutilation of Cattle by Venusians reports:

Following an initial shortage of punt, the Rocksoc punt party proceeded towards Grantchester, armed with a pirate flag, a large stack of May Brawl flyers * and a small RBG.

On the way, we encountered a double-punt-load of people who seemed irritated at our punt-by flyering +; after one of their number opened fire with a large water weapon, I attempted to shoot back, but turned out to be out of effective range.

*: Thursday, £6 adv for non-member students

+: much like a drive-by shooting, but slower-paced, less violent and with more advertising

[Add/edit reports]

[16:05pm] Mungojerrie assassinated Queen of Cool

[Add/edit reports]

[16:10pm] foxy assassinated A legal non player

foxy reports:

Well he asked for it.

I saw my neighbour pick up a convenient supersoaker and kill several innocent Jesuans.

I avenged them, and lovers of correct spelling and grammer everywhere, by blowing his brains out with my RBG.

[Add/edit reports]

[16:11pm] el silencioso made an attempt on The Eternal Man

el silencioso reports:

Leaving the all you can drink keg party at Selywn I made my way to Burrels Field in search of John-Joseph Wilks (JJ) cup in hand. Skilfully I negotiated my way through the porters lodge of iBurrels Field and pursuaded the *friendly* porter that I was not there to cause havoc and mayhem. After breaking n (I rang the bell) I recieved directions to where I would find JJ from who I assumed to be a helpful bystander. (little did I know it was another assasin) I found my target, stabbed with my knife and said your dead. No Im not, was the reply. this is an official society meeting and we are all assasins. dam................ till tomorrow

Mr. Fluffy Ex-Umpire reports:

It's a shame none of us knew there was a bounty on his head at the time, or we might have been more inclined to follow him out and shoot him.

[Add/edit reports]

[16:45pm] Ivy made an attempt on oh, it's bloody impossible to come up with a funny or witty pseudonym at the last minute, so I'll just say what happened.

oh, it's bloody impossible to come up with a funny or witty pseudonym at the last minute, so I'll just say what happened. reports:

See under Björn.

[Add/edit reports]

[16:45pm] Victor Fries made an attempt on oh, it's bloody impossible to come up with a funny or witty pseudonym at the last minute, so I'll just say what happened.

oh, it's bloody impossible to come up with a funny or witty pseudonym at the last minute, so I'll just say what happened. reports:

So I wander around town for a bit. no-one'- in sainsburys, no-one's around market square. The road between tit hall and kings does contain Jenny and Björn though... only they spot me at the same time as I spot them, and they have water guns.

At least I assume it was Björn, I've not actually met him before, but Jenny did say "oh, dave's running away" at which point he chased me halfway around the centre of town before I gave up trying to lead him into a shootable position (he's pretty good at making sure he's far enough away for that...) - and changed tactics to "run as fast as you can until they get bored.

ah well.

P.S. Björn had a very large water pistol, and I had a very small RBG, known to malfunction regularly. The stupidest assassins are the ones who don't know when to back down.

Victor Fries reports:

Duracell Bunny.

[Add/edit reports]

[17:00pm] oh, it's bloody impossible to come up with a funny or witty pseudonym at the last minute, so I'll just say what happened. assassinated Mr Biggleworth

oh, it's bloody impossible to come up with a funny or witty pseudonym at the last minute, so I'll just say what happened. reports:

So, as I was going into the lion yard, someone started running after me. Don't know him, so I guess he'd seen my RBG. Again, I pegged it, and when I got around to the exit near market square, he wasn't following. Did the standard peer-both-ways-at-once-with-no-one-seeing-you exit, and spotted Hannah and Lauren shopping for shoes.

We all know that shoes will be the downfall of humankind.

I waved at Hannah for a few seconds, then jumped out giving Lauren enough time to squeak before saying bang. Lauren then gave me a disguise for other players, Soaking me thoroughly so anyone else would think I was dead.

[Add/edit reports]

[17:10pm] oh, it's bloody impossible to come up with a funny or witty pseudonym at the last minute, so I'll just say what happened. made an attempt on Tigger

oh, it's bloody impossible to come up with a funny or witty pseudonym at the last minute, so I'll just say what happened. reports:

I've had some horrible timing this game. First Maz happens to spot me the moment I leave Caius, and now the moment I enter Tit hall, Ian's walking around somewhere where he can easily see me. Ah well.

[Add/edit reports]

[18:00pm] The Jesuan Police assassinated A legal non player

The Jesuan Police reports:

Deadly super soakers appeared to be very popular at the Suicide Sunday barbecue.

I spotted none other than GI Bob, terror of the college throughout Lent term, having clearly floated back to earth after the bombing of his room.

Suddenly he grabbed a weapon and murdered an innocent student. Not wanting to go to the bother of finding even more pool arts students to replace those lost last term, I fired my acid cannon at him.

An (armed) accomplice of his was also dispatched.

[Add/edit reports]

[18:01pm] Ivy assassinated A legal non player

Ivy reports:

I was delighted to espy a Sista approaching, but she was carrying an XP so I hid behind a pillar and jumped out and shot her in case she was playing again. Then she soaked me, which was quite nice on a hot day.

[Add/edit reports]

[18:05pm] Victor Fries assassinated Section 19 of the Firearms Act (1968)

Section 19 of the Firearms Act (1968) reports:

The first thing I heard was "Fuck! It's Jenny!". I glanced around quickly. Snapdragon had run off (faster than a speeding bullet) and Kirika was in no real danger as a bystander.

The impromptu pub crawl had gone fairly well previously. The food in The Granta looked buttery-like (and hence not worth the £5.95 they were asking), the cider in The Mill ("Old Rosie") is great, Wetherspoons provided a couple of tiny burgers (with two free pints! what an offer!) and the Real Cider in The Mitre was nice. But then it had all gone wrong... we'd decided to head to LaserQuest...

I ducked down the side of the Round Church and peered through the bushes. I heard a familiar voice across the street. It was Pavanne. I drew my RBG and advanced... to get CPSed (mildly) through the bushes by Victor Fries. Oops.

Victor Fries reports:

We had just finished talking to Sista when we spotted James and Russ walking towards LaserQuest. We tried to sneak up on them, but as usual James spotted us in time and ran away. Section 19 of the Firearms Act (1968) however faced up to us and hid behind some bushes. I drew the ice cannon and aimed it at him. Then Poison Ivy asked me to stop him running away...

So I shouted: "Freeze!" and froze him.

[Add/edit reports]

[18:12pm] Wolfman assassinated Scheming and Malevolent Conspiracy of Voles

Wolfman reports:

6:12 pm...

Laserquest night for the assassins! That could only mean one thing... lurk it. Myself and Simeon Bird hung out in the general area of LaserQuest and who should we see but Scheming and Malevolent Conspiracy of Voles, walking towards us. Evilly he assaulted the good Simeon, but his shots went astray... and woe, Simeon too failed to kill him. Just. Then I shot him in the back at point-blank range. Thankfully this time I was using a more reliable if less subtle shotgun and - most excellently - it did not jam! Maybe I shall upgrade to a rifle next time...

Scheming and Malevolent Conspiracy of Voles reports:

Arriving at about 6:10 for a 6:30 event, I thought I was early enough to reach Bradwell's Court and get into the no-kill zone in order to help run CULLS while not a ghost. I clearly underestimated the dedication of the lurking assassin.

[Add/edit reports]

[18:15pm] Ivy assassinated $I_L

$I_L reports:

Lurking at Jesus, when I heard someone running behind me. Suddenly my face became slightly more damp, and I saw the end of Jenny's water pistol. Oops!

Ivy reports:

Spotting two suspicious characters in the open on the street, I felt that my bulky sidekick was a bit obvious to approach them. So I hid him very subtly behind me and sauntered towards the pair.

They looked, but didn't seem to recognise me until too late.

[Add/edit reports]

[18:15pm] Ivy assassinated Winifred

Winifred reports:

I still think I coulda got her if I'd just hidden a little better behind AbF's corpse. Still, maybe carrying an axe around wasn't the most subtle approach...

Ivy reports:

Remember, kids: look both ways when crossing the road. Or when you are carrying a great big axe.

[Add/edit reports]

[18:25pm] An interesting series of events outside laserquest made an attempt on The Eye of Argon

An interesting series of events outside laserquest reports:

So, anyway, I get back and am typing up my reports when I get a phonecall. Apparently Björn and Jenny are lurking forecourt porters lodge. I'm somewhat honoured, not being worth too much, so I guess I must have annoyed them by getting away before.

I head down, but they're not there, so decide to give laserquest a visit, and who do I see? Simeon and Ed are both lurking outside with some dead people and some non-players. I procure Hannah's supersoaker and have a bit of a chat with them. After a while it gets boring, so I tell them I hope that someone comes down the passage behind them, and they start periodicly checking behind them. At one point they both turn around so I charge Ed, but just as I get into my range (out of range of his RBG) simeon turns around again, and since he outranges me, I retreat again.

They're covering each other fairly well, but I reckon I could have had one of them, if Jenny and Björn hadn't showed up behind me at that point... with rather large water guns this time.

A quick assessmentt of which pair is likely to shoot me more easilly tells me to run between Simeon and Ed shooting at them. I reckon I splashed Simeon pretty badly, and I fired the gun right across Ed's body, but the pressure had gone down too much for it to hit him (a lucky escape) - and Simeon nicked my left arm. A bit annoying that I didn't actually kill either of them but I definately came out best. We then teamed up a bit and had a stand off with Jenny and Björn. I sent Ed and Simeon around to the other side to surround them, but as Björn and Jenny left Ed ani Simeon showed back up where I was at the bus station, so me decided to call it a day.

Did a lot of waving at people though.

Victor Fries reports:

As we had intelligence suggesting the pressence of people lurking LaserQuest we went there to ...erm... make sure all participants would ... get in safely. When we arrived we found that there were indeed several assassins in the courtyard fighting each other. We charged in hoping they would stay and fight, but they all ran away. Eventually we got bored of them always backing off and we left.

[Add/edit reports]

[18:50pm] The Jesuan Police assassinated A legal non player

The Jesuan Police reports:

By now I though the students would have learned not to try and kill each other at the barbecue, but alas it was not to be.

I spotted another menace from lent, Caligula, and an accomplice both armed with water guns.

I promptly dispatched them.

[Add/edit reports]

[19:10pm] Ivy assassinated A collection of singing potatoes

Deuce reports:

Dammit, this is getting embarrassing.

I went over to Christ's to lurk their hall, and met ChriMaf and Bladud hanging around. We swiftly made a no-kill rather than get into a messy firefight, and set off for Nando's. We reached the restaurant in safety, but Bladud wanted to take his XP home and we wandered off down Pembroke Street.

"Is that Jenny and Bjoern across the road?"

Reactions from those live players present- myself, Bladud and Ed, went something along the lines of "Ed, get them", "Run away!" and "Shit!", this last as Bjoern spotted us and pulled his CPS (we'd tried to persuade Ed that carrying his shotgun in full view was a bad idea, and this failed.)

Bladud ran, I dithered and Corkscrew got in the way, and the two nefarious assassins crossed the road to pin us against the Sedgwick Museum. My RBG feeling a little inadequate, and accompanied by the most incompetent sidekick in assassins history, I tried to follow Bladud but was cut off by Bjoern, who sprayed me at extreme range. I hesitated, unsure if I was dead, then Jenny came from the other direction and got me anyway, having dispatched Ed with relative ease.

Thought for the day: "If Ed Heaney is with you, it's always better to run."

Victor Fries reports:

There we were, two harmless little assassins wandering towards the cinema with just a couple of tiny weapons on us for self protection. There they were, a bunch of unsubtle well armed mafiosi. As two of the five of them were dead we decided that 2 to 3 odds were not too bad and attacked them. They also chose to fight, probably liking their numerical superiority.

Therefore it was once more time for the ice cannon. I managed to cut off the two people with band guns from Simeon with his 310 and left the first two opponents to Poison Ivy. While she dealt with them I chased Simeon towards Pembroke.

Wolfman reports:

7:10 pm...

Wolfman would just like to add that A collection of singing potatoes wasn't exactly a brilliant accomplice either. Insults out of the say, I shall now set to the construction of obscenely large water weapons.

[Add/edit reports]

[19:10pm] Ivy assassinated Wolfman

Ivy reports:

Simeon ran one way with the 310, Bjoern chased him off. That left the two with band guns, so I killed them.

[Add/edit reports]

[19:10pm] Victor Fries made an attempt on The Eye of Argon

Victor Fries reports:

And yet another Duracell Bunny... They run and run and run and run. Even when they are well armed.

[Add/edit reports]

[19:29pm] The Eye of Argon assassinated hoopla!

The Eye of Argon reports:

Having bodly fled from the vicarious duo, intrepid The Eye of Argon returned circuitously to his lair. But my rest was short, for I knew I would be followed. I exited, hiding in a dead end. Again I was disturbed! Harking to the tolling sounds of voices in the stenchy corridor outside, I bethought me that the infamous Bjoern&Jenny were outside.

"Ho!" I spoke, as the crimson mist descended upon my vision. "I am done with running! I shall take at least one with me!" So, saying I flooded into the polished corridor and brutally hacked hoopla! before being blasted by a bolt of water from behind! The adventure was over, but as my vision cleared I bethought me of my encounter. "Thou art not Bjoern&Jenny!" Quoth I. No", reposted they, "We Are The Cauis Mafia! We claim your death!" "Damn! said I! I thought I had killed Jenny! Ah, well, the blood-splattered hoopla! is worth almost as much. Let us accept the disjoint rulings of implacable fate!" "Indeed!" Said they! And after four hours I continued my long quest for the scintillating multi-fauceted gem known as...The Eye Of Argon!

Revered Ornithologist reports:

Dear Xanth,

When you see our target, you are meant to shoot him, not run away because you "saw a gun firing next to [your] head and didn't have any weapons to hand".

Lots of love, Matthew.

Dear Bjoern and Jenny,

Please stop killing people in the street, scaring away other assassins and making them lurk in their staircases for you.

Lots of love, Matthew.

Dear ^Nightwing^,

You were wonderful as ever, my darling husband.

Lots of love, Matthew.

[Add/edit reports]

[19:30pm] Leader of the People's Democratic Kakistocracy assassinated The Eye of Argon

Leader of the People's Democratic Kakistocracy reports:

After Puzzles and Games a group of us departed for home. On the way we thought we would go through Pembroke, to see if Simeon was in. Sneaking into his corridor, Maz checked the bathroom, I stood in full view of the corridor whilst Bryony was around a corner and Xanth the other corner. Suddnely he leapt out shooting, hitting Bryony many times, with his back to me a quick burst of water ended the battle and we recovered, only to find that Xanth had run away like a girl and was halfway to the exit. He claimed that 'it was the only thing to do' heh!

Ivy reports:

Aww. Xanth takes after his mother.

Stop The Rock reports:

I didn't have a weapon to hand (he leapt out long before we were expecting any action), and I saw a firing RBG all of a metre away from my head (pointing in an entirely different direction, albeit). Damn straight I ran.

[Add/edit reports]

[20:05pm] Ivy assassinated nikilla

Ivy reports:

Went to cinema, bought tickets, saw a girl idly fingering an (unloaded) water pistol while talking to her friends.

We retired behind some scaffolding to discuss. On one hand, shooting an armed innocent in deep conversation would be kinda embarrassing. On the other, she could be playing. Greed won out, so I bang-killed her with an rbg. And for the first time ever (for me) she turned out to be playing!

[Add/edit reports]

[20:25pm] Mrs. Fluffy Ex-Umpire assassinated waffles, forthwith!

waffles, forthwith! reports:

walking back from curry feeling full and safe, i neglected to look behind me and was quite suddenly dead with an enthusiastic 'bang' from Mrs. Fluffy Ex-Umpire

Mrs. Fluffy Ex-Umpire reports:

I had recieved information that Tigger was enjoying curry at the Cambridge Curry Centre. Myself and accomplices hurried to the location and I carefully hid just above the entrance. I was reward by seeing not only Tigger leave the building but also waffles, forthwith!.

The was very little cover down the road so I performed a weaving run down the hill using the sparse cover available. I quickly realised neither of the potential victims were watching behind them so ran up and...

"Bang"... waffles, forthwith! dead...

[Add/edit reports]

[20:25pm] Mrs. Fluffy Ex-Umpire assassinated Tigger

Mrs. Fluffy Ex-Umpire reports:

"Bang"... Tigger dead...

[Add/edit reports]

[21:00pm] Mr. Fluffy Ex-Umpire assassinated The man with a rubber band, somewhere on his person, at least 80% of the time. Not really that hard to kill, and is unlikely to be running around or stuff.

[Add/edit reports]

[21:15pm] Matthew Garrett made an attempt on JavaConk inc.

JavaConk inc. reports:

My plans to create a super game called JavaConk using student labour appear to have backfired slightly.

I had just about recovered from a DOS attack earlier in the week (not a pleasent experience, many flying handbags and books) when some dissatisfied students burst into my office.

I was rather surprised, since only one of them (Matthew Garrett) appeared to be a compsci, and could possibly hold something against me. Sensing danger, I retreated into the secret bunker which I have constructed under my office.

Unfortunately it appeared that I had forgotten my keys, and was hence unable to lock the door. However, I was able to use the power of BlueJ to keep the door shut. When they realised just how good BlueJ was at doing this, they started to discuss various indirect ways of attacking me. However, each suggestion caused a syntax error, and they were eventually reigned to waiting for me to emerge.

After about half an hour, I heard the students say that they were leaving, and heard my office door bang shut. My senses which have been sharpened by the Concise Lecture Summary told me that something was probably not as it seemed, and sure enough it appeared that Matthew Garrett had remained.

Using the black art of UML mind control, I was able to insert strings without quotes into their brains. This cause them to raise exceptions, whereupon they immediately submitted to me as the high Java authority, and left.

Matthew Garrett reports:

Dear Foxy,

The point of having a door with keys is that it prevents people from getting in without the keys. Leaving the keys OUTSIDE IN THE LOCK like some LAME GIRAFFE totally defeats this.

Of course, everyone makes the odd slip once in a while. Not everyone leaves their weapons in their room and RUNS LIKE A BADGER into the adjoining room, leaning on the door to prevent anyone from opening it.

So we found ourselves in your room, with a wet towel and shirt on the bed. Could it be that there was LIVE NUDE FOXY ACTION waiting for us behind the door?

We offered you an honourable duel, but with the COURAGE OF A WEASEL you didn't respond. We asked if you'd like to speak to the poor mother of PERHAPS THE LAMEST PERSON EVER when she rang. You didn't accept either offer. In fact, you didn't say anything at all. You couldn't even come up with a BASIC TAUNT OR INSULT to hurl at us.

My darling husband helped himself to a packet of your crisps, informed those on IRC of your absurd ineptness and phoned the Umpire to discuss our situation. We didn't think poisoning would be successful and we weren't allowed to leave traps. We emptied your weapons and left noisily.

Except I lurked quietly behind your chair, waiting for you finally to emerge from your hole like SOME HUNTED RABBIT. Except you didn't.

After about ten minutes, my caring husband began to fear that you might be DYING IN A GREAT BIG CHEMICAL FIRE, so he came back in to enquire about your health. You remained MUTE AS A SWAN until I remembered the magic call "Ceasefire!", whereupon you bounded out, bizarrely looking quite pleased with yourself.

I was quite impressed by Xanth's cowardice this afternoon, but that was nothing compared to your INCREDIBLE COWARDICE and GENERAL LAMENESS this evening.


You so LAME!

Lots of love and kisses, Matthew.

P.S. Sorry to the KCats for not leaving under the right tree.

[Add/edit reports]

[21:15pm] Can't Stop The Rock made an attempt on JavaConk inc.

Can't Stop The Rock reports:

The lamest defence in the history of lamelamelamelamelame.

[Add/edit reports]

[22:01pm] The Eternal Man assassinated Mr Biggleworth

The Eternal Man reports:

We were sitting in Newnham porters' lodge waiting for Carrie to get her key to pick up stuff for shiny-fire, when Lauren poked her head around the door to the corridor. Unfortunately for her, her attempted bang-kill on me was from a good 2 metres away, and the second time she popped out, I shot her instantly.

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[22:03pm] Mr. Fluffy Ex-Umpire disturbed the rest of Mr Biggleworth

[Add/edit reports]

[22:55pm] Time Bandit assassinated Winifred

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[23:20pm] Sentenced to Madness by Cthulu's Visage assassinated Adrian

Sentenced to Madness by Cthulu's Visage reports:

Earlier in the Emma Event, Adrian attempted to kill me shortly before I respawned (it would have been successful had I been alive), then shortly after I respawned (the shower of foam discs narrowly missing both myself and an "innocent" ex-Assassin, and, I can only assume, leaving Adrian somewhat short of ammunition). Our next few encounters followed a predictable pattern: he approached me, I spotted him, I pulled out a RBG, he ran away.

While sitting in front of the bar, I noticed a dark figure suspiciously trailing a backpack, and thought "oh, him again". Luckily, this time I was hidden from his view by two random innocents (to whom I am grateful) standing chatting in front of my table. As he headed towards the bar, I grabbed my trusty RBG, headed out from behind the table and fired.

[Add/edit reports]

[23:30pm] Sentenced to Madness by Cthulu's Visage disturbed the rest of nikilla

Sentenced to Madness by Cthulu's Visage reports:

Following my successful kill of Doug, I headed into the bar for a well-deserved pint, chatted to Doug for a bit, then wandered away. It was then that I noticed Doug start a conversation with someone meeting the description I'd heard of nikilla. Suspicious, I lurked at the back of the bar long enough to notice her look at me directly. But was she in fact nikilla, or just an innocent?

A cunning plan formed. Donning the Bandanna of Unlikely Martial Arts (clearly marked "Assassin" in big letters), I approached unseen to within point-blank range of the pair. "Nicola?" She looked round. With a shout of "Haduken!" and the mystic gesture known only to players of Street Fighter*, I launched a fireball.

It would have been such a good kill, if not for the fact that its victim was already dead.

*: which is of course down/down+towards/towards, punch

[Add/edit reports]

[23:50pm] Zombie Locky made an attempt on Mungojerrie

Zombie Locky reports:

After respawning in Wolfie and watching the utter shambles which purports to be the England football team lose to France [insert rant about how David James and Emile Heskey should never ]be allowed anywhere near a football again on pain of death, and how all ITV commentators should have the microphones switched off after 80 minutes to stop them from jinxing the result by going on and on about "this historic win, if only England can hold on"], I started going home, and then was diverted back to Wolfie by two attractive young ladies, and then eventually set off home again.

At about 23.45 I was on the path towards the Trinity/Tit Hall bridge, when a man saw me wielding my enormous supersoaker and ran away. I figured it looked a bit like Adam, so I hid outside Mem Court. After a while I went back. The same thing happened again, except I found out from him that it was actually Ross Edmondson, and I chased him properly this time as far as Caius. So I ran back to Wolfie to ambush him. Eventually, at about 00.15, I gave up and decided to go home and sleep.

[Add/edit reports]

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Produced at Thu Jun 24 18:53:57 2004