Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 5 News

Sunday, 27 February

[12:13 PM] Rosemary Warner confirmed a Holzhauer number of 1.
Rosemary Warner reports:

Dear Mr Umpire,

Saturday saw the wedding of Matt Laycock PhD, and with it, predictably, a gathering of the previous generation of the Caius Mafia. Deciding that opportunities for legal kills of Bjoern Holzhauer are few and far between these days, I stabbed him for bearing a rubber band, for old times' sake. Mmm. Nostalgia...

With love, fluffles, and a huge tartan cloak,


Bjoern Holzhauer Reports:

Following a game of spades between four former umpires following the wedding of a fifth, I died.

However I'd like to point out that I was in fact holding a labelled pen and not a rubber-band when I was stabbed, but I understand that the excitment must have been too much for Rosemary.

PS: The esteemed umpire has misunderstood the way Holzhauer numbers work, but I am most willing to rectify his notions should the opportunity arise.

The Umpire stands corrected on the issue of Holzhauer numbers.

[18:31 PM] Tyr also staved off incompetency.
Tyr reports:

Again with little else to occupy me, I made my way to Magdalene this afternoon, to search for and kill the two magdelneites wanted and incompetent. Here I spent rather a lot longer than intended wandering round looking for rooms, and generally getting to know magdelene itself. Frustrated after twenty minutes with the apparent lack of anything happening at all, I decided to move on to Kings. Finding the room of one phillip bridge was easy, finding the man himself significantly harder. A lengthy wait in a nearby toilet yeilded nothing, and even a quick stroll around to assess other ways of entry i.e. windows didn't help. After something near half an hour a suspicious neighbour eyed my loitering for a little longer than was normal, and I decided it was probaby worth leaving before my target became informed of my prescence without my knowledge.

they shall all be revisited.


[20:20 PM] PJ and White Rabbit lurked for The Phoenix
PJ reports:

After successfully installing Linux on White Rabbit (should that be penguin now), we decided to celebrate by going on an incobash. I decided to attempt to tackle the disgrace of having an incompetent in my own college, so we headed to Chapel Court.

Unfortunately it appeared that he was out, and as JNET has yet to be upgraded to give real time tracking information for the first years, we left after waiting for about ten minutes.

White Rabbit reports:

Salman Rushdie writes a novel.
The Ayatollah gets upset.
"Post the head of Salman Rushdie
On the highest minaret."

Monday, 28 February

[02:30 AM] Rosemary Warner lurked for The Phoenix
Rosemary Warner reports:

Dear Mr Shaheen,
I was absolutely disgusted to find your curtains drawn at the pleasant hour of two thirty pm. Hard working students like yourself should be up and about by 7.30 at the latest, studiously beavering away to ensure that Cambridge is able to retain its place as the best university in the country.

However, hard work should, of course, be balanced with a healthy social life, and one of the best ways to achieve this is to leave your door unlocked so as to welcome visitors. Fresh air is another vital part of life, and as such you should open your windows slightly. A couple of centimetres should do fine.

Failing that, could you please just damn well sit outside your room for a while this afternoon? I think everyone's getting sick of lurking for you.

I hope this advice stands you in good stead.


[10:00 AM] Adam Biltcliffe lurked Rowan Fields
Adam Biltcliffe reports:

And so it did come to pass in the year of our Lord two thousand and five that the sun did shine in glorious splendour on the good folk of the Computer Laboratory as they went about their wholesome and godly business. And as the honourable knight of the Computer Laboratory sat at his shining white PC in Castle Intelworkstationroom, it did come to the attention of many of the knights that it was some time since he had ridden forth to do battle with the evil knights of distant lands.

And so it did come to pass that one day the Irish knight did ask of the honourable knight, "Sir Biltcliffe, I note that it is some time since thou hast ridden forth to do battle with the evil knights of distant lands. Pray tell wherefore this incongruity from a man of such noble blood as thyself?"

"Thy observation is indeed correct, Sir Baird Fraser," quoth the honourable knight. "Verily, it is some time since I rode forth to do battle with the evil knights of distant lands. But thou shouldst not think me lax in my knightly duties, for I have laid down my sword for a time only that I might devote myself to the contemplation of the holy work of Partiiproject."

"Thou art wise and noble indeed, Sir Biltcliffe," said the Irish knight, "and thou hast made the greatest of sacrifices in thy devotion. But knowest thou not that the King has put out word in his royal wisdom that he desires the death of the evil black knight of Engineering, Sir Edmondson, without delay and above all else? Verily thy devotion might be put aside briefly in order to undertake such a quest for his Majesty."

"Thou bringest grave news, Sir Baird Fraser," said the honourable knight, "for indeed knowing that our King has declared it so I cannot suffer the vile Sir Edmondson to live. And so I must set aside my devotion and ride out to battle against him."

And so the honourable knight did set aside the work of his devotion to the holy Partiiproject and ride out to the college of the villainous black knight Sir Edmondson. But when he did arrive he did encounter once more the Irish knight, who had travelled by a swifter horse and so had already slain the villainous black knight himself.

"Verily, Sir Biltcliffe," said the Irish knight, "'tis not a pretty situation in which thou findest thyself. For having set aside thy devotions to ride out to battle once more, thou findest thyself bound once more by the geas set upon us by our King, to quest not less than once a week against the enemies of our realm."

And the honourable knight knew this, and his heart was sorely troubled. But he returned nonetheless to the Computer Laboratory, in order to devote himself once more to the holy work of Partiiproject. But the week passed swiftly by, and the knowledge of the geas under which he found himself did weight heavily upon the shoulders of the honourable knight. And lo, soon enough a week had passed, and the honourable knight knew that it was time for him to quest once more in the King's name against the enemies of the realm.

And so the honourable knight did ride for many miles, until at last he did come to the faraway land of Trinityhall. And he did find the abode of the most dishonourable and incompetent Rowan Fields, and it was dark and foreboding. But the honourable knight was midful of the fact that nearby to that dark and foreboding place was the dwelling of one of the King's knights. And so the honourable knight did call upon the small and ginger knight, and convey unto him the regards of the King.

"Good day unto thee, Sir Snyder," said the honourable knight. "Many miles I have travelled from the bright and wholesome land of the Computer Laboratory, that I might slay in the name of the King the most dishonourable and incompetent Rowan Fields, whose dwelling is not a stone's throw from thy own."

"Good day likewise unto thee, Sir Biltcliffe," said the small and ginger knight. "I know not of the most dishnourable and incompetent Rowan Fields, whose dwelling is not a stone's throw from my own, but verily I shall accompany thee to keep watch over the villain's hovel."

And so the small and ginger knight did accompany the honourable knight to the hovel of the villainous Rowan Fields, and there the honourable knight did mount a vigil for many days, and yet not a trace of the lowly incompetent did he see. But mindful was he that he had discharged his duty under the geas of the King, and so at length did he return to the Computer Laboratory, that he might devote himself once more to the holy work of Partiiproject. And though the evil Rowan Fields had not been vanquished, the good people of the Computer Laboratory did live in happiness and prosperity for ever and ever.

Rowan Fields reports:

[15:10 PM] Sweet Gorilla Of Manila finally ended the evil reign of Philip Bridge (Paper Cuts)
Sweet Gorilla Of Manila reports:

I killed Phil. Film at 11.

Paper Cuts reports:

Am dead. My mistakes: 1) Not recognising Martin owing to his acquisition of a beard since last time I saw him (which was a long time ago I admit). 2) Being too lazy to haul a CPS all the way to Churchill. Oh well...

[16:54 PM] The Umpire thunderbolted Marc Gossage (X-Source) and Thomas George Pugh (The wizard in training)

Thinking that the earlier thunderbolts were ample warning, The Umpire has removed another two players from the game for persistant incompetency. Take note: this will happen again, unless incompetent players redeem themselves.

[18:00 PM] Stress Master lurked Terpsichore. Lerpsichore.
Stress Master reports:

Arrg Inco Must Kill! No Time. Much Work. Idea - Skip Hall - Kill Evil Criminal Edward Mitchell - So cold - must stay - soo cold - must stay and KILL - grr - canteen finished - still no sign - oh who is this? - which door??? - is it him??? - follow - humm - carring heavy things, dont want to become criminal in game or out - decide to live another day - leave - warm up - food

Evil Criminal


[19:51 PM] The Umpire chocolatebolted Sophie Lawrence (Mushroom)

Having spoken to Sophie about the incident with Ed. Mitchell, The Umpire realised that she was, in fact, still alive, but also a third persistant incompetent. As such The Umpire decided he had to remove her from the game also.

[20:40 PM] A small cardboard box went incobashing
A small cardboard box reports:

8:40 - A small cardboard box sends his regards to Niraj Modha and hopes that the rattling of his doorknob didn't result in too much paranoia.

A small cardboard box also apologises to the two stealthy individuals that he accidentally scared the bejeezus out of on the way out of Robinson, and hopes that they were more successful than he was.

9:10 - A small cardboard box greets Lee Lewin and hopes that he's having a good game. A small cardboard box would, however, suggest that, when people have walked all the way to Wolfson to say hello, it's only polite to actually be in one's room.

A small cardboard box would have hung around for longer if it weren't for the presence of many suspicious looking buggers in the nearby kitchen.

9:40 - A small cardboard box wishes Victoria Gray a good day and hopes that his appearance in her kitchen didn't startle her too much.

A small cardboard box further commends Victoria on having the foresight to carry a gun in with her, and apologises for initiating the resulting firefight. And also for helping collect rubber bands once it became eminently clear that no-one had died or was likely to pass away as a result of said incident.

A small cardboard box hopes to see Victoria again soon...

Rowan Fields reports:

Just a quick update to let you know that there was an attempt on my life this evening. A very nice gentleman was lurking in the kitchen with the lights out:- very suspect!!!! There was a big shoot out, and in the confusion, neither successfully managed to kill the other (why am I such a crap shot?!?!?) and so we parted on peaceful terms, agreeing that the games should continue another night! What fun!

[20:50 PM] Llama Llama Duck and Smaug lurked for Clio
Llama Llama Duck reports:

heres a llama theres a lama
and another littel llama
fuzy llama funny llama
llama... wtf?
lurked Clio. no luck. nearly shot a guy on way out.

Smaug reports:

I lurked Clio. He didn't come out.

Tuesday, 1 March

[08:42 AM] "In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" killed Thomas de Rivaz (The Chatty Hunter AKA Stress Master)
Stress Master reports:

Up v.early because of busy stressful day, went to breakfast at 8:15, afterwards realised I should brush teeth because my gf would want it. Came back to my room, got shot by Tom Booth. This wouldnt have happened if I had gone straight to the department as planned.

This prooves that slobbyness and untidyness keeps you alive!

Stay Dirty!

PS nice clean lurk - I liked it :)

"In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" reports:


I hung around in the staircase of the horribly incompetent (and Caian) Tom de Rivaz, being pretty sure he had a lecture at 9 or so. After only a couple of minutes of waiting, I was rewarded with a familiar figure in a grey coat hurrying up the stairs to his room. An epic firefight ensued, involving me sauntering down the stairs and bang-killing him. Sadly he was in a bit of a rush and didn't appear to have counted on assassins at this time in the morning.


Having dispatched my foe much sooner than expected, I wandered over to Trinity Hall, where the also notorious incompetent Victoria Gray resides. I heard voices from her room, and turned a corner to see her, looking half-awake, talking to a friend in her doorway. Being slightly unwilling to shoot the poor girl in the face (which was pretty much the only part of her that I could see), notwithstanding that I wasn't entirely sure how well my gun was loaded, and that there was an innocent in the way, I hesitated for a moment, and she squeaked and slammed the door. Doh. Her friend then spun round and looked slightly alarmed at the strange man levelling a gun at her head. I just grinned in what was probably an even more disturbing manner and left again, it seeming unlikely that the target was going to open her door again.


I bumped into Stephen Chester on my way back to get coffee, and, as I remembered that he had recently inhabited the inco list, my gun leapt back into my hand. He assured me that this was no longer the case, so I put it away again.

Stephen Chester reports:

Dear Mr. The Umpire,

On my way to lectures, I saw the slightly-less-handsome-than-yourself Tom Booth outside Starbucks. He seemed very pleased to see me, but it turned out it was just a gun in his pocket.

[10:09 AM] Spingu too! killed Haibo E (guns don't kill people, people do, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).) and Rachel White (Friendly Fluffy Rabbit!)
Spingu too! reports:

Actually got up early and went to a 9am maths lecture for once despite being very ill, and hung around outside in the cold for guns don't kill people, people do, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun) and Friendly Fluffy Rabbit! who had both recently been made incompetent. They didn't turn up, which was disappointing, and very naughty of them. I was going to give up and go to sleep when I saw them appear 20 minutes into the lecture, and disappear into the upper reaches of the amusingly named Bristol Myers Squib lecture theatre. I waited outside after the lecture. And waited. And waited some more. Eventually they came out, and Haibo came over to speak to me, at which point I went for my knife. Which wasn't in my pocket, where I'd left it. So instead I drew my gun and shot them both. Both were amused to find they were on the inco list, but not so amused to find they are not any more.

I also looked for Simeon Bird as I was in the area, but I did not see him.

[13:50 PM] a rounding error frontstabbed Simeon Bird (Gully Foyle)
Gully Foyle reports:

13:50pm today, I was shot in my house by Callum. The mangy cur had a no-kill with me, which he broke in extravagant style, gunning me down on my doorstep whilst I was holding the XP105 which would have greeted almost any other player. May ants infest his underwear! Shiver his timbers, and splice his mainbrace, by Jaos!

[14:00 PM] Rocking the Kaz Bar avoided all of Evil Manhunt Munchkin, White Rabbit, "In Soviet Russia, target kills you!", and Levia-Dragon - Daedalus, Protector of the ancient world, all that lives therein and the one holy angel who strikes down upon the three villains of the other plane.
Levia-Dragon - Daedalus, Protector of the ancient world, all that lives therein and the one holy angel who strikes down upon the three villains of the other plane reports:

It was the perfect plan. After Tom had disposed of the two evil caians, we would see the joint top seeds cycling down the street waving rubber band guns in the air in a posing competition. Sprow! CPS's would appear in our hands and we would kill the evil assassiny types. Unfortunately, my dream world was interrupted by the need for competence. We went and lurked for Kit and Sal and the rest of the Supremes outside Mill Lane Lecture halls, they didnt turn up, although we thought we saw Kit it turned out to be.... someone else. Not half as weird as that girl i saw in wolfson court though.

[15:55 PM] Bobby, I love you. The road is temporarily closed. lurked for Xerxes, the Arch-Lich
Bobby, I love you. The road is temporarily closed. reports:

I guess it must be hard to be an arch-lich, as I bet everyone would keep getting you confused with Vecna and keep running away from you. Hey man, I was just trying to buy a newspaper, damn it.

[16:20 PM] Spingu too! incobashed a bit more.
Spingu too! reports:

Following this morning's success, I cycled down to Magdalene in the hope that Kit would be just as easy to kill. He foiled my plan by not being there. So I left, but while heading for Orgasm Bridge who did I spy but an incompetent heading into Tit Hall! I quickly locked up my bike, and followed her upstairs (passing the rather ineffective poisoned note on the door to F1 that says "This note is poisoned" on it) and found the lovely Rowan Field in her kitchen wielding an RBG and eating cereal. With my own gun deep within my jacket pocket, and unable to slay such a charming young lady, I decided to not risk it, and instead had a nice chat about that nasty back stabbing Tom Booth fellow who was hiding outside her door this morning, and how lovely Chris Field is. And of you too course, Mr Umpire, who is the loveliest of all. Then I took my leave, and started to walk towards an incompetent chump's room, but it was too far away, and I'm tired, so I contented myself with looking at a picture of him in the plodge and trying to kill him with psychic RBG beams. I have a feeling it didn't work.

[16:40 PM] Disco TeX and the Sex-O-Lettes didn't get to dance with The Supreme Inquisitor, His Reverence Lord Zacharias Spon, Paladin of the Gold Temple of the Knights Templar, Grand Inspector and Master of Ritual, Chronicler of the Ancient Texts, Prime Scrivener, Head of the Order of Crimson Scribes and Keeper of the Books of Law, Ceremony and Propriety.
Disco TeX and the Sex-O-Lettes reports:



The Report Shuffle




\item Spin
\item Spin Round!
\item Lurk
\item Lurk Round!
\item Run
\item Run Round!





\sectionFancy Stuff{}


Get on down. Step! And spin! Clap your hands. And again! One more time! And


Oh yeah. Funky. And slide! And slide! Step left. Step Right. And SLIDE!

\subsectionGet Down{}

And groove! And slide! Spin! Hands in the air. Wave 'em around. And GET


[18:00 PM] Clio didn't miss Rosemary Warner by much
Clio reports:

Waiting glumly,
What a fool I was,
Never to know when she would come,
Gone forever now,
That chance,
That day,
To see.

Where shall I turn?
What shall I do now?
What have I done to deserve this?
Competence gained,
Innocence lost.

Only my weapons as friends,
Always looking over my shoulder,
The nights alone.

Darkness envelopes me now.

[18:17 PM] Martin Mariusz Lester (Cheddar Gorge) killed several of Rowan Fields's friends.
Rowan Fields reports:

Oh my God! It's all happening! As we speak! A number of people have tried to kill me today: first this morning, failed. Then just now a guy actually killed one of my best friends who was knocking on my door before asking if she was Victoria Gray! My friend Sally then posed as me so that he would shoot her too (she was in my room with me and while he was having a conversation about his subject with the dead civilian outside, Sally said "I do natural sciences so I've got to stay in and work", but then peeked her head out of the door saying "Don't shoot me don't shoot me!" but he did anyway!) I then shot him but he ran off saying "It was in the arm!"

For mass girlicide, Martin Lester was another name added to the stupidly-large-number-of-people who went wanted. Redemption conditions in 1 wanted criminal, 2 legal targets, or 2 incos.

The Umpire notes that should a player get an innocent killed by having them impersonate said player, then said player will be held responsible.

[20:50 PM] Le Chef pompt du pompt Ben Weaver (Kiku)
Kiku reports:

I am slain. Encountering the ruthless Maz lurking the very doorway I was approaching, a case of mistaken identity resulted in the death which I deserved but did not expect thusly, and my twitching corpse lies decomposing in a desolate and alien college.

Gully Foyle reports:

I had just wandered into Robinson with Ben, cunningly disguised as myself, when I spotted one Martin Lester. "Toujours l'audace!", I said to myself, and I strode forward, confident in the knowledge that Martin could not possibly recognise Ben.
"Hello, Maz!" I hailed him cheerily "Hello Simeon", he replied. "Who is your friend?"
I confess I hadn't thought quite this far I amswered with the first words that came to mind: "Kit Jenkins".
After the blood had settled, I realised that this was perhaps not the best answer I could have made...

Le Chef reports:

Le chef, il est un criminale dangerous. Il pompt dans le 'Robinson College', le pompt du pompt le Ed Mitchell du redemption. Il pompt dans le staircase avec le 'RBG'. Un homme avec un chappeau pompt dans le staircase avec un stranger. Le homme, il est 'Simeon Bird'. Il pompt le stranger, 'Kit Jenkins'. Le chef, il pompt le stranger avec le 'RBG'.

[21:00 PM] Terpsichore killed Martin Mariusz Lester (Cheddar Gorge AKA Le Chef) and mutilated some people.
Spingu too! reports:

Nooooooooooooo! I will avenge you!

Terpsichore reports:

I was having a shower when I heard 3 nerdy voices outside my room. I knew instantly that they were Assassins. Quickly dressing, I planned the audacious murder of all 3 at once. To cut a long story short, I crept up on them and bang killed all three. I then shot them with my new rbg (arrived today) just to finish them off. Closer inspection revealed that I had mutilated both Simeon Bird (shot through the hat) and one of his mathmo friends. Happily, I had also killed this other guy who, by his own admission, had just become wanted.

Gully Foyle reports:

After Ben's unfortunate demise, I hung around a bit (Ben just bled weakly), partly hoping to see Ed Mitchell shot(who, besides being wanted, had also killed me), but mostly just wanting to chat to Maz. I even kept half an eye on the door, so that I wouldn't miss one second of the eventual shootout. Alas, he came up behind us, shot Maz and mutilated me and Ben. Not my ideal outcome. Figuring my presence may have inadvertently distracted Maz so that Ed was able to surprise him, and wholly contrite, we then went to Sainsbury's, where I bought everyone Jaffa Cakes. We then ate the Jaffa Cakes.

Le Chef reports:

'Simeon Bird', il pompt dans le staircase. C'est tres unsubtle. Il parler tres fort. Il pompt les 'Assassins' et les 'Mayweek' et les bombs. Le 'Ed Mitchell', il pompt les Assassins et il pompt du pompt le door dans le staircase. Il pompt le chef avec un 'RBG'. Le chef, il est mort.

Le 'Simeon Bird', il est mort, mais il pompt deux morts. Il pompt le cakes jaffa et il pompt du pompt le cakes avec le chef et le 'Ben Weaver'.

Wednesday, 2 March

[11:00 AM] G.I.Bob went randomly hunting.
G.I.Bob reports:

G.I.Bob waited from 1100 to 1130 by the Mill Lane lecture theatre hoping to see one of his targets, a criminal or an incompetent, but unfortunately had to leave disappointed.

On his way to Darwin college he saw an assassin (name unknown) who glanced at G.I.Bob in a suspicious manner. G.I.Bob stopped to let the assassin pass as he made contact, by phone, with a trusted friend who would know the name of this individual, but then the other assassin, obviously afraid of Bob, turned around and ran away.

G.I.Bob then took a detour back to his impenetrable fortress taking in such sights as Darwin, Selwyn, King's and Jesus, but he did not see anybody he could legally kill.

[11:38 AM] Rocking the Kaz Bar actually started on the road to redemption, silencing George L Crowley (the in sound)
Rocking the Kaz Bar reports:

I spared my dear friend the in sound the humiliation of a thunderbolt when I took him out execution style earlier today. He opened his door to me, and placed his firearm to one side. As he opened his arms wide to greet me, I swiftly brought my own weapon forth and mercifully riddled his chest with shots. Falling forward, I embraced him even as his life force fled from his body. The eyes of my friend thanked me, before the fire in them died.

the in sound reports:

finally my game of sheer incompetence has come to a bloody end. The notorious wanted criminal (and my bastard housemate) Christopher Jenkins just arrived at my room. I let him in, thinking 'Well we're allies in this crazy thing, he's safe,' but alas I was too trusting, and he shot me down like a small dog, perhaps a Jack Russell. I shall haunt him from the grave however... I know his paranoia knows no bounds.

[15:33 PM] Conner also lurked Rocking the Kaz Bar Christopher J Jenkins
Conner reports:

I found out that Kit Jenkins had a lecture at 3 today and was given a picture of him. However, I forgot to find out where the lecture was. So I hung around at his college for him to leave between about 2:25 and 3:00, with the intention of following him to the lecture. I didn't see him. Instead I saw some pigeons and some innocents and a drunk. I guess he was somewhere else before the lecture. When I got home I bang-killed my computer because it had a picture of him. I doubt that this counts for much.

[15:51 PM] Foxy's Angels and "In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" actually found Salman Shaheen (The Phoenix)
"In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" reports:

I met up with Foxy's Angels just before the end of the lecture that Rocking the Kaz Bar was meant to be at. They finished a little early and I couldn't see Rocking the Kaz Bar (too many people milling about and getting in the way), but The Phoenix was also there. So I killed him.

The Phoenix reports:

A tragic event ocurred after lectures today, The Phoenix was mercilessly gunned down by an unknown police officer.

[16:00 PM] Adam Baird Fraser escaped the shadow of Wrath creeping up on him.
Wrath reports:

"Why didn't you answer your door?"

"I was out."

"No you weren't. Your light was on."

"I was out."

"Your brother told me you were in."

"I don't have a brother."

"He looked like you."

"I don't have a brother."

"You ignored me and I was standing outside in the frost waiting for you."

"I was out."

"You were having sex, weren't you?"


"You were!"


"Yep. Sex."

"Define sex."


". . .

The Umpire worries a little.

[16:22 PM] Levia-Dragon - Daedalus, Protector of the ancient world, all that lives therein and the one holy angel who strikes down upon the three villains of the other plane, Raccoon 2 and "In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" visited an incompetent chump
"In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" reports:

Having abandoned Foxy's Angels and instead joined Levia-Dragon - Daedalus, Protector of the ancient world, all that lives therein and the one holy angel who strikes down upon the three villains of the other plane and Raccoon 2, we went after Victoria Gray. Finding her not at home, we visited an incompetent chump instead. He responded to our knocking without question, and I bang-shot through his opening door. The door didn't stay open for long.

an incompetent chump reports:

got visited twice today, at like 3 o'clockish i got a knock at the door a rbg came in bang was said, i was away from the door the 2 assassins buggered of. at like 10.40 or something i returned to my room from the toilet 2 assassins had been but my girlfriend spoke to them, she told them loads of crap, they got confused, tried offering her biscuits and then buggered off :)

[17:05 PM] Spingu Schmingu and Co. visited Rowan Fields

Reports of this encounter are somewhat confused and contradictory, but it seems that Nick's cartoon probably might possibly maybe sum things up.

Spingu Schmingu reports:

1 2 3 4 5 6

[20:28 PM] Aidan Robison Saw some irony in his activities.
Aidan Robison reports:

Dear Sir The Umpire,

Today I passed the DDR track 'Paranoia survivor' (heavy, 10-step) for the first time. I find this achievement to be a little on the ironic side.


[20:34 PM] The Supreme Inquisitor, His Reverence Lord Zacharias Spon, Paladin of the Gold Temple of the Knights Templar, Grand Inspector and Master of Ritual, Chronicler of the Ancient Texts, Prime Scrivener, Head of the Order of Crimson Scribes and Keeper of the Books of Law, Ceremony and Propriety. lurked for Xerxes, the Arch-Lich
The Supreme Inquisitor, His Reverence Lord Zacharias Spon, Paladin of the Gold Temple of the Knights Templar, Grand Inspector and Master of Ritual, Chronicler of the Ancient Texts, Prime Scrivener, Head of the Order of Crimson Scribes and Keeper of the Books of Law, Ceremony and Propriety. reports:

[21:10 PM] Rakka visited Terpsichore
Rakka reports:

18.30 Meant to go lurk Robinson before MCR dinner at 7
18.40 Finish makeup
18.45 Finish faffing
18.55 Arrive in Wolfson Court
18.55 Drink g&t with
Sarah, Phil, Pete and Nick
19.00 Drink more g&t. Go to dinner. Drink wine to celebrate Sarah's PhD
place and funding in biochem, should she choose to accept it. Drink more
wine. It's quite mingin but it is free.
20.45 Discuss attending pub quiz
20.46 decide are all too drunk
21.00 decide to meet back at House of 4 for bridge and more wine, allowing me
to visit robinson to claim competence
21.10 Arrive at Mitchell's staircase. Obvious assassin standing outside door
talking to him. Listen through him open window. Oh, he's targetting (assassin removed.)... also I haven't brought
non-water ranged weapons as rbg wouldn't fit in pocket. Hence restricted
to listening through window until assassin takes his leave.
21.20 Run to Clare to find adam to ask him for loan of an rbg or his
presence. He's out.
21.25 Run to Tit Hall, find Ian Abel lives in Wychfield
21.30 Run to Kings and find Aidan Robison's room. He's out too so leave
him a note and some lip gloss.
21.40 Get into Caius cardlocked computer room to plead for help. Nobody
interested. Lazy bastards.
21.50 Run to Harvey Court, where rumour has it some young coppers might
want to help
22.00 Find no help or rbgs at Harvey Court. What is Caius coming to?
Bloody inept coppers.
22.10 Run back to Robinson. He's closed his window. Bastard.
22.50 Head to House of 4. Catch last of bridge. Am banned from future
bridge events on basis can actually play. Whup Pete's and Nick's asses.
Drink more minging wine.
00.15 Get home, try to talk to boyfriend, boyfriend says something about
work tomorrow. Locate rbg at bottom of lingerie bag. WHY?

[22:58 PM] Spingu too!, Raphael II, Alan Bitchmarsh 2 and The Indefectible One, too! went incobashing. Raphael II fired a water pistol into a no water zone, and Terpsichore managed to kill Spingu too!.
Terpsichore reports:

Today I killed some guy who came to my room at 11.45pm! (loser). I dunno his name, but he had a borrowed double barrel rbg (with "sprow" on it). I shot him on the stairs. Unfortunately, while we were discussing his death, in a clearly demarcated "discussion phase" his friend came and shot into my room with a water pistol! My room is NO WATER freak-face. I therefore demand he is made wanted.

For shooting water in a no water zone (while also armed with an RBG.) Del has been declared a special boy, and again put on the wanted list. Redemption with the kill of any incompetent or wanted player (not police.)

The Umpire also notes that while Nick Plummer was a legal kill, he was also police, and therefore does not count for redemption.

an incompetent chump reports:

some bugger tried to open my door during desperate housewives, the bloody cheek.

Spingu too! reports:

Load up Maz's guns and bring your friends
It's fun to lurk and to pretend
Ed's in his room, and self assured
Oh no, I say some magic words

Hewwo, hewwo, hewwo, Mitchell?

In Robinson, it's quite dangerous
Here we are now, cold and rained on
We're quite stupid, yet courageous
Here we are now, come out shoot us
A door opens!
Its a wanted!
There's a fire fight!
I lose my life!

We're worse at what others does best
And for this gift we feel quite pissed
Our HCMaf has always been
And always will until the end

Hewwo, hewwo, hewwo, Mitchell?

In Robinson, it's quite dangerous
Here we are now, cold and rained on
We're quite stupid, yet courageous
Here we are now, come out shoot us
A door opens!
Its a wanted!
There's a fire fight!
I lose my life!

And I forget just why I gave
Del Ahmed a Max-D to play with
He found it hard, hard to resist
Oh well, he's wanted, nevermind

Hewwo, hewwo, hewwo, Mitchell?

In Robinson, it's quite dangerous
Here we are now, cold and rained on
We're quite stupid, yet courageous
Here we are now, come out shoot us
A door opens!
Its a wanted!
There's a fire fight!
I lose my life!

Thursday, 3 March

[08:00 AM] Xerxes, the Arch-Lich lurked for Il Douche
Xerxes, the Arch-Lich reports:

Having been to Girton last week, I thought a trip to [college removed] was in order. I arrived at about five to eight, and waited. I braved the very loud "are you waiting for someone?" enquiries from the local bedders, but when 40 minutes into the lurk someone came out of a neighbouring room, looked at me and started knocking on my target's door, I decided the time had come to disappear. So I did, very rapidly and being careful to take the route which avoided walking right under his window.

Returning to the centre of town, I noticed someone assassiny looking lurking behind a pillar in Lion's yard, but they didn't have any weapons showing and it was extremely unlikely they were lurking for me, so I ignored them.

[12:00 PM] Marmeduke ended the reign of the villanous Edward Mitchell (Terranova AKA Terpsichore)
Marmeduke reports:

At 8.30 this morning i went to lurk at the bottom of the staircase of the vicious criminal Ed Mitchell's staircase. On his emergence from his room around 8.50am i awaited his exit downstairs and out of his staircase but to no avail for he had sneaked out an upper entrance along a rampart and out another staircase. i could not catch up with him inconspicuously enough so i abandoned the attempt.

At 12pm, in the chemistry department, Imagine my surprise at seeing the criminal emerge from a supervision. Subtly persuing him, I stabbed him with a pen-knife. Mission accomplished

Terranova reports:

Sadly, I have to report my death. I was stabbed by the double-crossing, lying bastard that is Marmeduke while in the Chemistry dept. Adding insult to injury (or death), he used a biro marked "knife"!

To him I say this: I may be dead, but at least my weapon is bigger than yours!

This came at a rather opportune time, as I have realised I was about to become a geek like the rest of you. I also have many better things to do. So there.

The remainder of the above report is mildly offensive, and was removed at The Umpire's discretion.

[12:03 PM] March Hare lurked again for Bobby, I love you. The road is temporarily closed.

[13:00 PM] Evil Manhunt Munchkin stabbed Ying Chow (the Roasted Rooster)
Evil Manhunt Munchkin reports:

The Evil Manhunt Munchkin strikes!! Raaar!

the Roasted Rooster reports:

Rushing out of physiology lecture on Thursday, I felt a sharp pain in my back, and realised I was killed. Was also bumped that day =( I think corpses are not supposed to row...

[16:12 PM] Raphael II killed Philip Bielby (The Indefectible One, too!), several times.
Raphael II reports:

As you know, Raphael II is a wanted man. therefore, Phil Bielby, AKA 'The Indefectible One, too!' decided to try and eliminate him. Under the guise of 'oh I'm not going to kill you' he kept jumping out from corners and down flights of stairs to try and shoot the poor turtle. He was however unsuccessful every time. These lame attempts annoyed the unlucky criminal so much, a straight out duel was proposed in Harvey Court [remove name if desired]. Much of this duel was spent with Raph pursuing TIOT, TIOT running away like a coward, until Raph's RBG got jammed - which happened quite a lot - and the roles were reversed. TIOT must have been kiled three times, but refusal to believe the truth (no, I hit him first) meant that re-fights (if that is actually a word) were neccessary. After being bested by both rubber bands and water pistols TIOT finally accepted defeat.

The Indefectible One, too! reports:

After discovering that Raphael II was wanted, I decided to go for some Caian-on-Caian destruction. I happened to hear "special" Spingu (Dec.) (Dec.) knocking on the felons door, so I crept down the stairs, and then jumped out firing my RBG at him as I went. Unfortunately, although I hit him several times, he hit me simultaneously with a double-barrelled RBG. We decided that mutual destruction was not an appealing prospect, and so we went downstairs to view the report of the previous night's escapades before they were sent to your omnipotence. Raphael kept his gun trained on me whilst we talked in the corridor (I had hidden my gun again), so I discretely retrieved my trusty knife, and threw it at him, diving out of the way of the blue beams of death that were sure to follow such an action. I hit him in the shoulder, and we had another incidence of mutual destruction by RBG.

After this occurrence and several more attempts at RBG sniping from just within maximum range, we decided that a duel was in order.

With "special" Spingu too! officiating, along with an unknown assassin (who we had agreed not to kill for bearing arms), we stood outside at opposite corners of Harvey Court. The umpires of this match (with no disrespect to your most high and mighty position) ensured that we kept moving. After circling around the edge, and several minor incidents, we eventually made a final move at each other, resulting *yet again* in mutual destruction, even the umpires agreed that the rubber bands had hit simultaneously.

After this ruling we tried again, with the same result. This was getting to be a bit tedious, so we switched to XPs and Max Ds for a final showdown, five paces forwards, turn around, and shoot.

I took my five paces, and then took ten more.

Raphael found this mildly amusing, and shared this with the umpires. Whilst his back was turned, I went for him. Unfortunately for me, it would appear that he had pumped up the pressure in his pistol more than mine had been, resulting in his stream of water hitting me squarely in the chest, and mine getting his trousers wet.

So ends the life of The Indefectible One...again. At least this time I didn't die a criminal, but attacking one.

Perhaps it is a good thing that Raphael won; the Caius mafia would probably frown on me attacking another Caian.that is if such an organisation existed...

Spingu Schmingu reports:

Leaderless, the Harvey Court police force today descended into infighting, as The Recently Resurrected Indefectable One decided he was once again going to shoot anything that he wanted to. After a fun morning shooting people, doors, plants and random "shapes in the air", and giggling too himself, he finally got the chance to kill someone worth killing when I went to speak to Del. Thundering unsubtly down the stairs, he leaped round the corner, firing rapidly, only to drop into the wall of bands unleashed by Del. Neither wishing to die so quickly (what would Revelation and Deuce do if they couldn't come to HC again?!), they agreed to go their separate ways, only to start shooting at each other again.

There was only one way to solve this - A duel! With my good self and an unnamed assassin umpiring, with super soakers for our own amusement, in the grounds of HC!

Round 1
Round 2
Round 3

[17:09 PM] Pax lurked for Rowan Fields

[17:25 PM] Alex Labram set a good example of how to play, killing Aidan Robison (Bobby, I love you. The road is temporarily closed.)
Alex Labram reports:

Time: 12:00
Place: Mill Lane Lecture Hall
Protagonist: Alex Labram
Antagonist: you know who :)

Bumped into Aidan Robison outside lectures today. He seemed a little surprised to see me, and I must say I felt the same. So surprised that I accidentally repeatedly squeezed the trigger on my gun...

He managed to partially enter the lecture hall before any of the bands could do their dirty work. Oh well. Be seeing you, Aidan...

Time: 15:00
Place: Market Square Hostel
Protagonist: Alex Labram
Antagonist: Aidan Robison

Lurked lectures for over an hour and Aidan's room for another two hours. Come on Aidan, how long does it take to get home?

Time: 17:20
Place: Caius Court (aka Heart Of Darkness)
Protagonist: Alex Labram
Antagonist: Aidan Robison
Innocent Bystander (hah!): Chris Field

After another hour-long lurk, with lots of amused comments from passers-by (no I was *not* planning to soak the Master), I finally came across Aidan again outside Chris Field's room. Sorry about all the water, Aidan. At least it's guaranteed to wash out.

Christopher Field reports:

Stop all the clocks, cut off the internet,
Prevent the newly dead corpse from any more wet,
Silence the pianos and with rofled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle Flying_O verhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead.
Put pretty bows around my door, oh how nice!
But the lurking evil fiend cannot be enticed.

He wandered North, and South, and East and West,
My humble room to reach and then rest,
Past noon, 'fore midnight, we talk, we plot,
But thought and deed last not forever - he was shot.

There are hardly any wanteds now: killed dead, all bar one;
Pack up the guns and rest under the sun;
And as the rules dictate, his pseudonym exposed:
Bobby, I love you. The road is temporarily closed.

Bobby, I love you. The road is temporarily closed. reports:

If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be "Prince of Weasels", because then I could go up and bite people and they would turn around and go, "What the-?" And then they would recognize me, and go, "Oh, it's you, the Prince of Weasels."

[20:18 PM] Raphael II chased Rocking the Kaz Bar about a bit, who mutilated Bobby, I love you. The road is temporarily closed. as well.
Spingu too! reports:

Mr Umpire, today I saw Kit Jenkins in Caius. He did not have a hat or a beard, but still looked suspicious on account of being Kit. Had I been alive, I would have shot him. As it were, I was not alive, so I did not. Instead I tapped some random person on the shoulder who I thought was an assassin and hissed "it's Kit, kill him" many times. Then I realised that said random person did not appreciate this, turned and shouted "KILL KIT!". While having the effect of letting Del and another assassin who will remain nameless know Kit was there, it also let Kit know I knew Kit was there. So he ran. Del ran too, which amused me greatly.

Later, I saw you, but I couldn't have killed you even if I was alive.

Raphael II reports:

Later on in the day, Raphael II was attending hall in college when whose should he be alerted to but Kit Jenkins? When he finally did notice him, Kit noticed that he had been noticed and legged it. Raphael bravely gave chase, but alas, the cigarettes had destroyed his stamina and although he kept up with him for a bit, he was exhausted as Kit fled down Trinity Lane. Redemption was soooo close, but remains sooo far. Boohoo

Rocking the Kaz Bar reports:

(non-report: spent a good 1-and-a-half / two ish hours lurking round Cauis yesterday. Did see the esteemed Mr Field from a distance, but then lost him. Was continuing to lurk, when I saw the buyont personality of Nick Plummer. Not knowing at the time that he was dead, and also unaware of how many Harvey Court police were with him, I scarpered to the sounds of 'get him'. As it was I think only Del chased me, which was a shame as he soon ran out of breath. May or may not have seen the dead Aidan Robinson...)

Since Aidan wasn't a legal target for Kit at the time, his redemption conditions have been upgraded to three legal player kills.

Friday, 4 March

[08:00 AM] G.I.Bob didn't emerge for Murphy and Il Douche

[11:00 AM] Spingu Schmingu finally broke it off with Victoria (Amy) Gray (Rowan Fields)
Spingu Schmingu reports:

Seems those guys in Hades just don't like me. Once again I reappeared on this Earth in some random location, and was somehow unspotted even with all the bright lighting and dry ice and other stuff stolen from the drama society for a standard resurrection scene. As the equipment was packed up and taken back before the drama group realised it was gone, I looked around me to discover where I was. Argh! A huge whale! A huge dead whale! What's going on?!

Then I realised that it was NMS, on board a Japanese fishing vessel. Lucky to turn up in Cambridge again, especially in a part of Cambridge very close to a known inco who is currently in a genetics lecture. How about I sit down here, and wait for said inco to emmerge?

And so I sat. And stood up again, as the railing was cold. Then the lecture ended, and I shot Rowan Field. Who seemed quite happy about it.

Rowan Fields reports:

Alas, it comes to this. Murdered! Mutilated! Betrayed!!! Woe is me!!!!! Was popped off as I came out of lectures this morning by none other that Nick Plummer!!!!! Got a feeling this morning that today would be my last. Premonition? Maybe. At least it was Nick rather than some random person who I didn't know. Was much more amusing this way: the baffled shriek as he walked up to me and said "Bang!" whilst pointing an RBG to my pounding heart! lol! Oh well, paranoia over now. Party in my room tonight to celebrate my freedom!!!! Yay!

[15:30 PM] Oook stayed competent
Oook reports:

Oook oook ook. Ook! Oook? Oook. Eeek!

[17:30 PM] Clio lurked for Rosemary Warner again
Clio reports:

I spent absolutely ages in the cold for my targets today. It was nearly past tea-time when I got home!

My one consulation was that I finally got to see Simeon Bird!!! Go me!

[17:33 PM] George Yianni's innocent roommate' Spingu Schmingu and "In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" completely missed Rocking the Kaz Bar
Spingu Schmingu reports:

I got a phone call from "In Soviet Russia, target kills you!" while I was in the shower. Dashing upstairs, I grabbed the phone, and ran outside onto my balcony (the only place in HC where my phone works reasonably) dressed only in a towel. This is the reason for this report not being in picture form. He told me that George Yianni's innocent roommate and himself had Kit held up, and needed reinforcements. Remembering to dress before dashing to my cycle shaped Pimpmobile, I peddled like a possessed Tour de France competitor and came screeching to a halt outside Benson minutes later. Arming myself, I ran inside heroically, to find the two coppers chatting about the pub.

We waited, and got suspicious looks from a great many people, including not Kit. But we got several off the guy who was in Kit's room. Eventually even he left, and looking in through the windows there was no sign of Kit, so we went to get food and/or beer, varying on the cop.

Not put off by this, I later went to Tit Hall. Dropping in on Amy's celebration of her death (Tit Hall people are weird) and visiting the bar to meet some old acquaintances from formals past, I eventually got as far as Jack Eaton's door. It was locked. So I went home to find beer, having only got food the first time round.

Rocking the Kaz Bar reports:

I honoured today by the presence of three of the police force's most decorated officers. Its a shame their performance did not match their reputations.

[19:02 PM] The Umpire and White Rabbit scared the hell out of Alex Labram

The Umpire reports:

Love you really, Corky.

Saturday, 5 March

[17:12 PM] Xerxes, the Arch-Lich 'f,k,'ed Simon Morrell (Marmeduke AKA Captain Oats)
Xerxes, the Arch-Lich reports:

"It looks a little muddy down here"
"The Caius Student throws the boomerang! The Trinity student catches the boomerang!"
"The Trinity Student throws the boomerang! The Trinity student catches the boomerang!"
"The ice vortex engulfs you."
"The Caius Student throws the boomerang! The Caius student misses the boomerang!"
"You are freezing to death in here!"
"What do you want to wield?
"You are now wielding a Rubber band gun."
"In whih direction?"
"The rubber-band hits Simon Morell! You kill Simon Morell!"

Marmeduke reports:

This afternoon was the final game of the College Winter League of Ultimate Frisbee. In the final showdown were Caius and the mighty undefeated Trinity. Despite the freezing cold, we played really well and ran away 11-1 winners! Trinity are league champions. On my way off for celebratory champagne, I was dishonourably shot in the back by a seemingly very patient Xerxes, having waited for an hour in the freezing cold.

Some people have far too much free time.... flippin' mathmos
Captain Oats

[19:44 PM] X-Source gave off some static.
X-Source reports:

A bolt of thunder hit me on the head a few days ago, i'm still feeling rather dizzy....

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