Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 0 News

Thursday, 12 October

[05:00 ] It all starts here...

At 5am on Thursday 12th October 2006, the Game begins. There are between 0x0F and 0xFF assassins out there, so watch out!

[08:45 ] Matthew Causier (Evil Genius Mark IV) was stabbed in the bike sheds by blackjack (sounds painful)

[09:53 ] WTF? sent a deadly vector towards Dorian Dyer-Westacott (Lobsang dod)
Lobsang dod reports:

I regret to inform you of my untimely death. At 9:53 on the morning of Thursday the 12th of October, year of Our Lord 2006, novice assassin Dorian Dyer-Westacott was too preoccupied digesting his lecture on vector calculus, to notice upon leaving the lecture theater a small yet deadly vector pointed in his direction. Alas, Dorian's assassin, knowing the beauty that is Mathematics is too great a distraction for any Compsci like Dorian to ignore, waited cunningly outside Room A of the Arts School for Dorian to exit, his defenses down. There was a great BANG, and Dorian was no more.

WTF? reports:

First thing this morning I hid my facebook profile, having forgotten to do it last night. Target 3 was not so savvy. He is now dead. Dorian is american. His interests include his lecture options. He is a fresher. He has 44 photos. I located him in a 9am lecture today, and after the lecture I waited for him. 9.53 am. "Are you Dorian?" "Uh-huh". Water pistol comes out of pocket. "Bang". Bad luck Dorian.

[10:00 ] Witch Doctor cast some bones at De Cakm, for some reason...
Witch Doctor reports:

Ooh ee ooh ah ah...

[12:00 ] Citrus Kennedy Biscuit Jones III visited all of his targets, like a good boy, but he didn't see any of them, not even Jingellie
Citrus Kennedy Biscuit Jones III reports:

Was restless in the night. The fear that I have had for some days now finally reached its conclusion when, in the small hours of the morning, a raven entered my room through the open window, circled three times, then dropped a sealed letter, before cawing once and falling dead from the air. Picking up the letter, I noticed that the seal was blank. Breaking it, and unfolding it with trembling hands, I read the message it contained.

My heart fell at the news within. I was to repay my debt in blood - not my own, but the blood of others. Three names were written in careful script, and three locations. I was to seek out these unfortunate souls and send them cold-bloodedly to their maker. Furthermore, this most shocking method of repayment was accompanied by other news equally as grim. As I attempted to complete my task, the letter warned, there would be three others hunting me. Only by keeping my wits and my blade sharp could I hope to succeed in my task and be rid of this debt once and for all. Failure to comply would me met with swift retribution.

Rushing over to the window through which the raven had flown, I quickly shut it, lest my pursuers should, having already begun their hunt, gain entrance through it. Checking that my door was bolted, I returned to my bed, though was unable to sleep.

In the morning, I arose with the prospect of my grisly duty hanging on my shoulders like a weight. Steeling myself for the deed, I took my weapon and began the hunt.

[12:30 ] Vigilante brutally, accidentally slit the throat of Tan Yi-xun (Colonel Mustard) with a spear

[12:42 ] Soothsayer predicted a kill of Catriona Brown (Jessica Rabbit)
Soothsayer reports:

The assassin and his accomplice walked from their lunch outside Sainsbury's along Regent street, and headed right into Downing. After failing to find a common room or other possible sources of photographs, the decision was made to proceed regardless to the 'marks' room. While the accomplice waited outside, the assassin continued up to the room in question, knocked on the door, and the following conversation ensued... Assassin: knock knock Voice inside room: "Just a minute!" Assassin: ....... Door opens, face appears Face: "Hello" Assassin: "Catriona Brown?" Face: "Yes..." By this time the gun had been moved from the shoulder holster to behind the assassins back, finger on trigger, ready to go. Assassin: "Bang."

[13:05 ] Michael Donaghy outgunned Sarah Lilley (Jellybaby) outside her lectures
Michael Donaghy reports:

I proceeded to ambush Sarah Lilley outside her lectures, and through incredible subtlety and speed managed a kill which had nothing at all to do with superior firepower, oh no.

Jellybaby reports:

Alas, as I was happily walking out of my lectures, dazed from all the maths covered, a shady man in a long black coat started to move towards me, drawing what looked suspiously like a watergun. I tried to run, but it was too late! RIP Jellybaby

[13:53 ] The Ninja Holocaust eliminated a foul pirate known as Marta Malaj (Mer)
Ninja Holocaust reports:

At the hour of 1353 on the sunny afternoon of October 13, the Ninja Holocaust did ELIMINATE Marta Malaj, beloved staircase buddy and friend of the Ninja. He felt no remorse. The instrument of demise was a banana clearly labelled "GUN" which was fired with repeated incantations of the word "BANG!!!" from a distance of no more than 13 centimetres. The Ninja Holocaust seeks a new, more worthy victim for his carnal pleasures.

[14:00 ] Someone tried to make The Tea-party Crasher wet
The Tea-party Crasher reports:

Apparently... a short blonde geeky looking fellow with a large liquid dispensing weapon and a knife was spotted outside my room at about 2. Fortunately for him, I wasn't in it. The Tea-Party Crasher

[14:05 ] Jim defeated Stephen Davidson (SHD) in mortal combat
Jim reports:

At five past the second hour of the afternoon, Stephen Davidson was, in his room, struck down by Jim. Triumph! The weapon of his downfall was a humble rubber band.

[14:05 ] Pink Panda lurked for a bit for Raven, but left to do work

[14:15 ] Scorpius despatched his would be assassin, James Rainford (The Git)
Scorpius reports:

At the minute of 1415 on the bright, clear afternoon of October 13th, Scorpius, having overheard news of his impeding demise at the hands of James Rainford, proceeded to dispatch him with a banana labelled "GUN", from within 10 centimetres, shouting "BANG BANG BANG!!". Scorpius believes James was a licit target, having been assigned as one of his targets himself, and as he was in possession of an obvious weapon. Cambridge will be hearing more from Scorpius soon.

[15:15 ] Nightsquid found no sign of Wolverine
Nightsquid reports:

In what turned out to be an unsuccessful operation, Nightsquid lurked long 15 minutes for Wolverine. The Nightsquid shall return.

[15:15 ] A little man in a big coat tried to cause a Ninja Holocaust. Oh, and apparently Jessica Kingsley Publishers was there too

[17:20 ] The Tea-party Crasher knifed Wen-Xi Chen (Pink Panda). There was no tea involved.
The Tea-party Crasher reports:

Moseyed over to Jesus and after scanning a freshers wall of faces before going up to the room of Pink Panda. She was out, but handily I spotted her walking into the college as I was leaving. Assassin: Wen-Xi Chen? She looks bemused... Assassin: You're Wen-Xi Chen? She starts to look suspicious... I pull out my rulerKNIFE and STAB! The Tea-Party Crasher

Pink Panda reports:

Getting back to college, wanders in to the Chimney entrance, odd choice as I normally take the side entrance. Random guy: "Are you Wen-Xi Chen?" Me: "Uhh, yeahh?" *oh wait, crap!* STAB!

[17:22 ] Jacob Samuel Corteen gave David Mack (De Cakm) what he deserved
De Cakm reports:

Hi, I'm David Mack and was just sprayed with whisky and set alight by a guy. He must do some sort of arts subject as he has followed me for 5 days straight.

Jacob Samuel Corteen reports:

note to assassins: don't answer to your name. It gets you killed.

[17:30 ] Minette Hermitage took both a DVD and life from Hywel Carver (The Initial Pseudonym)
The Initial Pseudonym reports:

I am dead. My assailant came to my room on the pretext of borrowing a DVD of The Office, and when my oh-so-trusting back was turned, he/she revealed a banana concealed about his/her person, and - "Bang!" - I was unceremoniously sent to a fruity end.

[18:30 ] The owner of a kleenexophagous dinosaur took his pet for a walk near to Shaky Pete

[19:20 ] Michael Patrick Wallace was a Pheasant-hearted Deathmaster, so Rorschach came and did his dirty work for him, by brutally slaying poor Colin Love (Shadowlord) for bearing (the fiend)
Rorschach reports:

Stood in firelight, sweltering. Bloodstain on chest like map of violent new continent. Felt cleansed. Felt dark planet turn under my feet and knew what cats know that makes them scream like babies in night.

Looked at sky through smoke heavy with human fat and God was not there. The cold, suffocating dark goes on forever and we are alone. Live our lives, lacking anything better to do. Devise reason later. Born from oblivion; bear children, hell-bound as ourselves, go into oblivion. There is nothing else.

Existence is random. Has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long. No meaning save what we choose to impose. This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It's us. Only us. Streets stank of fire. The void breathed hard on my heart, turning its illusions to ice, shattering them. Was reborn then, free to scrawl own design on this morally blank world. Was Rorschach.

Michael Patrick Wallace reports:

Dear Mr. Umpire,

Today at approximately half past 7 I successfully brought about the demise of a meanie who was after my life, by tactically hiding in my room.

At around 7 I heard a rustling outside my door, and decided to have a look to see what the plastic commotion was about - aha! someone wandering around, apparently looking a bit lost, excellent, I watch a bit more (you might say I like to watch, you perverts), but before I can open the door he hides behind a strategically placed hiding behind thing. Then followed a Quite Long standoff consisting of him occasionally sticking his head out, but not quite far enough for me to risk a shot. Obviously being terrified, I call for backup, and it arrives in the form of Rorschach, who despatches the visitor with a click-a-click-click. Oh yes.

So yeah, don't let anyone accuse me of hiding again.

Michael "Rofl Raccoon PhD" Wallace

Shadowlord reports:

Camping out in the darkness beneath the stairs, The Shadowlord waited. He waited for Michael Patrick Wallace to leave his room. Little did he now that the former master had spotted him through the spyhole. He called in backup.

Something is wrong thought the Shadowlord, as he heard the door rattle back and forth. He's playing with me. He knows I'm here.

Fearing he had lost the advantage of surprise, he fled through the door, shotgun still in hand covering his escape. As the door slamed behind him, an attacker jumped up from behind the wall, stitching three bullets accross his chest.

[23:00 ] Michael Patrick Wallace saw his hatship
Michael Patrick Wallace reports:

I just saw Simeon Bird. He wasn't wearing a hat.

(no, rly)

[23:50 ] A bounty was placed on Michael Patrick Wallace...

The bounty shall comprise biscuits of an unspecified nature (killer should specify choice of biscuit; if reasonable I will comply). The quantity and possibly quality of biscuits will be increased at my discretion, based on the promptness and style of the killing.

There will be an additional bonus mystery prize (which is guaranteed to be better than biscuits) above and beyond the standard bounty should the killer go wanted by killing Mr Wallace, since everyone knows being wanted is more fun.

The bounty will be waived if Mr Wallace survives past the first incompetence deadline on Sunday 15th October.

The Umpires note that a bounty does not alter who is a licit target for you

Friday, 13 October

[00:29 ] Sarah Donnelly noticed some subtle assassins
Sarah Donnelly reports:

Dearest Fused-Umpire Entity,

It is with some amount of alarm and an even greater amount of drunken amusement that I write to inform you of an attempt made on my life not half an hour past midnight tonight.

A most dastardly Assassin from [I remove the college to protect their privacy] knocked on my door, claiming to be a friend of a (boy)friend - suspiciously, the boyfriend didn't know him. He was handsome indeed, but not as much so as you, beloved Nick-Umpire, or our esteemed COP, although he may have had better hair than the beloved Phil-Umpire (in my defense, I am and was inebriated, Phil-Umpire, and may be less in favour of that hairstyle in the morning).

I had a gun to hand and was about to confront the intruder when a Porter, who had with uncanny timing just finished making use of the bathrooms downstairs, shepherded my assailants - yes, there were accomplices lurking on the stairs - into a neat circle to ask them for identification. Finding them all to be from [again I remove the college, but suffice to say it isn't the one they were in at the time], and finding them without a member of [my] college to vouch for them, the Porter proceeded to march them out of college grounds.

This was amusing and frustrating by equal measures: amusing for reasons I'm sure you understand, and frustrating as they both interrupted our comedy night and then (rather rudely) managed to get themselves removed by a Porter, meaning that I couldn't follow (AND KILL THEM ALL RAAAARGHBLARGHHGARGARBLARGH) without being in breach of the rules, or at the least looking very unsporting.

A (male) friend and I may have giggled like anime schoolgirls after these strange events had had time to sink in.

Yours after reasonable quantities of wine and beer, and with much lightweightedly inebriated admiration,

Sarah Donnelly

[09:15 ] Lady Mustapha Ponyweather poisoned Toby Peter Campbell Smith (The Betrayer)

[11:55 ] The Umpire bang-killed Sarah Donnelly

The Umpire reports:

Sarah Donnelly was spotted walking along looking decidedly unparanoid. That had to change. Shame I only had my fingers to bang-kill her with. Game loss ensued.

[12:00 ] Jonathan Alexander Davidson Atkins managed to shoot an innocent

Players should not attempt to kill non-Players, as this may inconvenience them.
Jonathan Alexander Davidson Atkins is now on the wanted list. He may redeem through a kill of one Assassin who is a licit target.

[12:25 ] Someone doesn't like word games...

The Umpires received the following email:

Dear Umpire,

Dismayed to note that guild has not yet lost fascination with supplying as pseudonym long string of rambling text such as would make e. e. cummings blush. Therefore, am offering generous bounty to anyone responsible for death of "768, the number of the beast, well for 'beast' read 'Des Lynam' or something. I dunno, call the Police!", "Xanthocroid- a person with fair hair and pale complexion", or anyone else with pseudonym of greater than six words in length. Killers to contact me for details, possibly via Umpire.


Captain Conciseness

The Umpires note that a bounty does not alter who is a licit target for you

[13:00 ] Nightsquid saw Shaky Pete, but couldn't do anything about it
Nightsquid reports:

Dearest Umpire,

Mentally preparing for another unsuccessful look-out, I left and just in that moment I think I've seen Shaky Pete walking briskly past me. I lurked around for a bit and I've seen him going in the direction of his room. That mus be him! Following him shortly afterwards, I unfortunately had to cancel my activities too soon when I found myself standing in front of a locked door and nobody willing to let me in. The Nightsquid shall return.

[13:30 ] Nightsquid lurked for Wolverine again, with no luck

[14:00 ] Soothsayer predicted that A little man in a big coat would be in. The fates were displeased, and changed the outcome of the vision
Soothsayer reports:

Shortly after lunch today I decided it was time to investigate another mark, I found their college, found their out of college residence, and began slowly pacing from one to the other. After about 4 of such trips, the sun came out and the steakout needed to be postponed to avoid slowly roasting alive.

Soothsayer will return, at NIGHT! hehe.....

[14:41 ] Edward Heaney, renound Alchemist, requested that he be made a legal target for everyone playing

Edward Heaney says:

Dearest Umpire-entity,

Mr. Edward A. Heaney, Scientist, should like it to be known that on Saturday the 14th and Sunday the 15th of October, he shall be in the city of Cambridge for as yet unspecified purposes. He should like to be made a legal target for all assassins who happen to be passing, as this may cause shenanigans. He will further request that people who take advantage of this look before they shoot water weapons in case he is carrying bits of computing engine around, as will be quite likely.

Mr. Edward A. Heaney should further like, on principles, to congratulate "Witch Doctor" on their choice of pseudonym and mock Mr. Michael Patrick Wallace and Mr. Michael Donaghy for reasons of being furry.

The Umpires say:

For Saturday the 14th and Sunday the 15th of October, Edward Heaney will be a licit target for anyone playing the game (including Police players). Please do not expect him not to shoot you back if you try to shoot him, and do not shoot him with water weapons unless you are sure he is not carrying around bits of computer. You will not gain compentence for shooting Mr. Heaney, but you may gain a warm feeling of satisfaction.

[15:02 ] Scorpius didn't like his supervision work
Scorpius reports:

Scorpius' bloodlust rises as he becomes increasingly frustrated with work. Perhaps this night he will kill.

[17:30 ] Jonathan Alexander Davidson Atkins tried to take somone out, but failed to actually do so
Jonathan Alexander Davidson Atkins reports:

At 5:30 p.m. today, amateur criminal J. Alexander D. Atkins hid outside the room of his target and waited. Eventually, someone knocked, and he opened the door with a gun, that was then fired into the wall to demonstrate that it was working. Our amateur hero, having only a short knife, remained concealed for several minutes. But when our amateur hero discovered that, even if the target had now laid down the original weapon, he was also carrying a banana (effectively, in retrospect, only a knife, as it can only be used for bang-kills) he decided that the intended victim was altogether better prepared than he was, and resolved to carry out the attack in a location where it is less likely to be expected.

[17:30 ] Soothsayer and an accomplice went looking for Dennis, but quickly got bored and went for food

[17:30 ] The Witch Doctor wanted a Wolf for spare parts, but failed to find one
Witch Doctor reports:

ting tang walla walla bing bang

[19:10 ] Ben Copsey thought he was being targeted by someone who wasn't playing, so he shot him, and then shot the non PVC-clad assistant to the Captain Charisma of the Police force. How rude.
Lordned reports:

Dear Umpster It pains me greatly but I must report a most brutal slaying by Ben, of both an innocent and myself. Both attacks were without provocation and fatal. Henceforth I petition you to place him upon the wanted list forthwith that he may be hunted down like the mangy cur he is. Yours in officialdom, Lordned. (NON pvc clad assistant to chief of police)

Ben Copsey reports:

today, in a fit of paranoia I broke down and killed an innocent, who was stabbed savagely through the heart. I am all powerful! In a fit of fear upon realising my error, I fled the scene, but not before smiting a policeman in raging paranoia - so both an innocent, and the pig Lordned have been struck down by the august might of the giant head! Fear me! For I now fear you all!

Please don't shoot innocents, as it might annoy them.

For shooting an innocent and a high-ranking Police officer, Ben Copsley has been placed on the wanted list.
He can redeem himself by either performing two licit kills of Assassins, or by killing another wanted Assassin.

[19:26 ] The Duke brutally mudered Rebecca Crawshaw (Jane Smith)
The Duke reports:

Police report no.341002

Time: 1926 Place: Upstairs landing in the Master's Lodge, Jesus College Cause of death: repeated stabbings to the lower and middle back with a dagger not longer than 6" Witness reports: the few we managed to obtain talk of a tall, dark, handsome stranger who mingled with the crowds at the Master's drinks, before dashing out as the victim left, reaching her at the stairs and repeatedly and swiftly stabbing her. Murmurs about a Duke could be heard amongst the attendees, but no one would confirm the identity of said 'Duke'.

[21:42 ] Legs posted a bounty
Legs reports:

A bottle of wine is offered to anybody who can dispose of David Smith, a short musician at Peterhouse, before 3:45 p.m. on Sunday. And of course, I can offer help to anyone who has him as a legitimate target. You may choose a formal dinner at Peterhouse on almost any date this term (your choice) instead of the wine.

The Umpires note that a bounty does not alter who is a licit target for you

[22:30 ] Kveldulf spent some time looking for Ben Copsey

[22:43 ] Excitement! In a bar!
Maria reports:

Legs was found drinking in a bar and held up at gunpoint by Maria and an unnamed Mafioso, who forced him to join the Mafia.

Legs reports:

I'd like to withdraw my bounty immediately. I was forced to join a mafia, with a terminal penalty if I refused to comply. Having fled from one member of said mafia, I was sucessfully cornered by another with a knife, who was subsequently joined by the first, who had by this point returned with a RBG. I am still alive, but now have more people to answer to...

[23:30 ] Jacob Samuel Corteen (Witch Doctor) claims he was set up to be killed by The Smoking Gnu
Witch Doctor reports:

Some things, you just can't defend against sanely, and just have to hope that the slim chance never comes up. Bugger. Well, good luck to everyone else, and may the wanteds beware, because I *do* want to kill some more people. Mayweek gave me a thirst for blood, dammit.

The Smoking Gnu reports:

The Smoking Gnu denies utterly any fatuous reports relating to the death of Jacob Samuel Corteen, and any issues of sportsmanship relating thereto.

Saturday, 14 October

[10:28 ] Soothsayer correctly predicted that his target would want a shower. Stephanie Dyer (Dennis) wishes he hadn't.
Soothsayer reports:

My accomplice and I waited casually across the street from the locked door of my target's residence. After roughly 10 minutes a man approached the door and swiped his card, immediately we were behind him and with a quiet thankyou and a smile from us, he went on his way completely unaware he had allowed two assassins to enter the building.

Proceeding up the many flights, the pair arrived finally at the mark's bedroom door. Calmly waiting around the corner, they discussed tactics. The decision was made for the accomplice to go back down the stairs and use the mark's call button, in an attempt to coax her out of her room, and immediately into the claws of the waiting assassin. This plan failed miserably, the mark was far too suspicious to leave her room by the command of a complete stranger.

The assassination was successful however, as about 5 minutes later the mark decided to have a shower. The assassin, waiting silently around the corner from her room, heard her door creep open, and her careful, stealthy progress along the corridor. Unfortunately she rounded the corner to find herself looking down the barrel of the assassins pistol. Content with a mornings work, the pair retreated to have brunch.

[10:40 ] The Selig went hunting for The Masked Moose, but couldn't find it.
The Selig reports:

Today at 10:40 I went sniffing. Fresh from a kill in the company of another assassin my senses were heightened and I smelt fear in the air. After a test of wills with a college porter we made our way to the marks room. Touching the door I felt it was cold and smelt no blood in the air. Maybe that stench of fear was brunch after all. The Selig will return.

[12:45 ] Code Monkey had a play with Michael Donaghy's gun, and in the process killed Jack Webster (Catch)
Michael Donaghy reports:

At perhaps 12:30 or a little later I visitied (college) with some friends; visiting the room of the apparently non-present (player) both on the way there and back we nevertheless achieved a kill of Code Monkey's target, whom he shot with my gun.

Code Monkey reports:

After some previous unsuccessful strategic lurking, the following happened: Michael Donaghy lets Code Monkey play with his gun. With (person), they go to (college).
Code Monkey knocks on door,
Door Opens,
Bang, Bang, Catch is dead.

[13:40 ] Scorpius and Ninja Holocaust achieved a remarkably unsuccessful stake-out looking for Sarah Donnelly
Scorpius reports:

Today, from the long hours of 13:40 to 17:00, Scorpius and accomplice Ninja Holocaust lurked diligently and patiently for Sarah Donnelly. That's over 3 hours!! 3 hours of cold blood and morbid desires swishing sluggishly through their bloodstreams. She was simply not to be found. Ninja Holocaust is to blame for this twisted mangle of events.

Ninja Holocaust reports:

The Ninja Holocaust wishes to make it known that the stakeout was not a complete waste of time: He attained advanced knowledge of special realativity that can be gained only from hard work in the kind of quiet environment found when staking someone out. The machetes weren't poisoned, just uncomfortable to conceal i.e laziness meant they had to be disposed of.

Also, it was all Scorpius' fault.

[14:30 ] Christian Fletcher Warran and Michael Patrick Wallace went for a lovely strole together, and on the way completely failed to spot Ben Copsey
Christian Fletcher Warran reports:

Lacrosse is silly - it looks like Egg and Spoon Battle Wars II: The Return.

Michael Patrick Wallace reports:

I hear this French poem is used by a sportsman? (8,5)

[15:00 ] Crap Shooter Heist eliminated Samuel Edward Lilley (Zeus Fratelli)

[15:00 ] The Umpire saw Edward A. Heaney

The Umpire reports:

Today I saw Mr. Edward Heaney, purveyor of alchemy. I proceeded to shoot him, with my big gun. I was informed that a Mr. Richard Gibson had already done this, and so I shot him too. I also shot Michael Donaghy, mainly because he is a furry, and Simeon Bird, because he was wearing a hat, and so looked a bit suspicious. Oh, and I shot Ben Weaver too, because I could.

However, being a nice Umpire, I healed their wounds, and let them all go on their merry little ways.

[16:15 ] PKZP200X went for a walk but found nothing of interest
PKZP200X reports:

Snuck out of college with an intention of visiting a nearby college to perform the ritualistic dealings of death to one on the list. Unfortunately the fates were not kind as I was held up by the fact that my target was nowhere to be seen... and also the fact I've got load of work to finish off. So the deed will have to wait until then...

[16:20 ] The death of Ben Copsey (the giant head) is proof that you don't need a Police Force if your mafia is big enough
Maria reports:

The Mafia noticed the existence of a filthy Wanted, Ben Copsey, and his downfall was ordered. A select group staked out his room, and the chosen hit(wo)man knocked on the door, after being given directions by a helpful neighbour. Finding it open, Maria looked in, and shot the figure standing behind the door.

the giant head reports:

whilst smugly congratulating myself for hiding from three prospective assassins outside my window, I forget to lock the door, making it easy work for my mysterious assailant to kill me in my hiding place behind it. Even though i managed to deliver a savage blow to the hand, after three short shots, my bullet-riddled outlaw body crashed to the floor.

wanted dead, made dead at 16.20

[17:01 ] Samuel Borin mutilated Ben Copsey, which wasn't very nice of him
Samuel Borin reports:

Just now I killed Ben Copsey. I then discovered he was already dead.

[17:56 ] Sarah Donnelly found some free things!
Sarah Donnelly reports:

Dear Siamese Umpire Twins,

Another attempt was made on my life again today. I am most pleased, as I actually do enjoy the feeling of rather bemused curiosity that occurs on finding that several large cardboard "machetes" have been shoved under my door while I was out.

Not only that, but I even got a free pen out of the whole affair - unfortunately, suspicions that it could have been poisoned led me to lift and dispose of it by the time-honoured method of the poor man's pooper-scooper.* I do apologise to my would-be killers if it actually was just a kind gift; paranoia can make a person neglect common courtesy.

The "machetes" interested me, but again, seemed likely to have been poisoned (I don't know how they could have hurt me otherwise, apart from if I'd tripped over them and bruised my knee somehow) so, with regret, these carefully-crafted instruments of death were also bagged and put in the bin.

If my assassin wants them back, s/he is of course welcome to send me an address for me to send them the machetes (plus a thank-you card, of course)...

Yours with much love and bits of cardboard,

Sarah Donnelly

*Put plastic bag over hand. Lift offending object with bagged hand. Turn bag inside out. Dispose of safely and remember that the maximum fine for neglecting to clean up after your dog can be as much as £500.**

** I don't know what the fine for pens or machetes is.

[18:30 ] El Mariachi killed Thomas White (Fred), who not to be outdone hospitalised himself.
El Mariachi reports:

At about half past six today, I locked my bike outside of Queens' College and made my way somewhat haphazardly through the buildings which make up Queens', a toy lightsaber tucked inside my jacket. Eventually I found EE8, and knocked on the door.

- Is Tom in there?
- Who is it?
- El Mariachi. Can I come in?

To his credit, Tom not only realised that the suspiciousness of this conversation suggested impending doom, but also had a pen to hand with which he lunged at me as I opened the door. However, the reach of my lightsaber, drawn just before I opened the door, was significantly greater than his piddly 'knife'. Which meant that I had stabbed him in the heart before my skin was lightly grazed (I have now recovered).

To add some colour to the proceedings, Tom did manage to somehow, by a strange and inadvisable combination of door, forehead and spectacles, manage to make himself bleed. So his murder will have left him with a Harry Potter-esque scar. Anyway, one-nil to El Mariachi. (Which is of course the Spanish for The Jedi Knight).

Fred reports:

I have been killed, and hospitalised. I have had a stitch in my forehead at Addenbrooks. I spent a fun couple of hours in A&E waiting...

[20:00 ] Christopher Oates(Crap Shooter Heist) was poisoned by Rorschach
Rorschach reports:

This city is dying of rabies. Is the best I can do to wipe random flecks of foam from its lips?

[20:45 ] Grilled Cheese Sandwich and The Duke couldn't bring themselves to kill each other.
The Duke reports:

The Duke wandered through the shaded cloisters, deep in thought as usual; the chill of the evening air refreshed his tired brain. A troubled sigh, a frown and then a smile at some happy memory. Lost in thought, it would have been easy for him to miss the shape lurking in the shadows at the base of one of the pillars. Easy for normal people, at any rate.

As the figure crept swiftly and suddenly, but almost unnoticeably, towards him, the Duke readied his hand upon his trusted knife's hilt. The next few seconds passed as lightning, with a whirl of motion from both himself and his assailant (whose speed he was shocked to witness). He found himself with a gun at his head, while his blade was tightly pressed to his hitherto invisble foe's exposed neck.

Both men were panting. As they realised the simultaneous peril, they lowered their weapons.

After some discussion, an agreement was reached.

Grilled Cheese Sandwich reports:

Today I thought I should finally put my well gathered information to the test so after finding a map of (college) I was off hunting for The Duke. After spending an hour of mine and an accomplice's afternoon walking around (college) I found (court) alas the room was empty.

After a few hours and with an extra accomplice to hand I was ready to return for the duke. Unfortunately the college yielded no duke so we gave up. On the way out however, we spotted a potential and on close inspection of his pigeon hole we successfully identified the target.

Unfortunately this encounter ended with a banana-knife face-off and a 2-week truce.

[20:46 ] Kveldulf and Legs exchanged bangs
Legs reports:

"Speak, friend, and enter." But the friend who spoke was my Judas Iscariot. Footsteps in the corridor. Drums in the deep. And I open my door with care. An unfriendly face. Who's that? Where's Judas? Bang! A shot is fired, but the bullet disappears into the darkness and the door is slammed with haste before the assassin has time to curse. My handwriting is still shaky as I make this entry.

Kveldulf reports:

All together the Aesir came in council, and all the Asynior to speak together, and what they talked of, those powerful gods, was why Kveldulf had failed to kill.

The Umpires note that players should remember to use bang-kills only when they are within touching distance of their target.

[21:04 ] The Duke helped Grilled Cheese Sandwich overcome Judith Reeks (Estyrien)
Grilled Cheese Sandwich reports:

After this failed encounter we decided to join forces to hunt down another target, Judith Reeks, half way there we spotted a potential target which after a quick "Hi Judith? We met on the open day" from The Duke, was eliminated with a loud BANG from the banana of Grilled Cheese Sandwich. Thus begins the tale of the cheesy sandwich.

Estyrien reports:

Dearest Umpires

It is with sadness that I report that I was tragically assassinated this evening.

A stranger randomly called my name in the street and I foollishly responded. Obviously the manners I was taught as a child are a hindrance when my life is on the line. While I talked to said stranger, realising with dread that he was an assassin and that I was weaponless, his acomplice crept up and shot me. And that, as they say, was the end of that.

Judith Reeks (Estyrien)

The Duke reports:

The Duke crept along the narrow lane, mingling with passers-by and drunkards pouring out from inns. He couldn't see his temporary ally, but knew he must be nearby. As he dashed out from a side alley, he saw the woman they were both stalking. Alone and mournful, she wandered the streets like a serene waif.

Almost sad to assist the death of a soul so innocent, the Duke used his resolve to harden his instincts. He dashed past her, whispering deceits as he passed her ear, then rounded her and did so again. Confused, she turned this way and that, but not fast enough to avoid the figure creeping up behind her. With a quick pull of the trigger she lay, angelic, on the grimy cobbles of the street. The Duke emerged from the shadows and congratulated the killer before parting ways.

Sunday, 15 October

[11:45 ]

[15:00 ] Charles Curry did his laundry
Charles Curry reports:

Dearest Umpire(s)

I just did my laundry.

I saw neither Joe Nicholl nor Simeon Bird. I did not I lurk for an innocent. I did not lose the game. I did not even see Philip Bielby. This disappointed me greatly. I wonder why he hasn't made any attempts yet. Perhaps you can enlighten me?

Yours sincerely, Charles


Why might one's final fantasy involve furry love? (4)

The Umpire reports:

I saw Simeon Bird today. He even wore a hat. I also saw Philip Bielby. He made an attempt too. Sadly, I did not see Joe Nicholl, and I did not do any laundry.

[15:30 ] Michael Donaghy wasted his time looking for Christopher Oates, who was already dead

[15:30 ] V was on a vendetta against Lady Mustapha Ponyweather, but failed to find her
V reports:

Dear Gestalt Dual-Entity Umpire,
One was breezing along to a certain college when one, in a pique of curiosity, thought one should visit one's target. It was a little annoying to get into there, but the inhabitants were very nice and let me in, especially after they heard the name of the target.
College loyalty, my arse.
Went to the building and the staircase, but there was nothing. Coughed a lot.
Hung around.
Coughed some more.
Thought one was too obvious.
Buggered off.

[17:10 ] The Nightsquid removed Thomas Barfield (Shaky Pete)
Nightsquid reports:

Dearest Umpirety, After lurking a moment outside Thomas Barfield's house, a sudden inflow of occupants encouraged me to try to sneak in amongst them. This plan almost failed as one of them turned around and asked me whom I was meeting. I just about managed to get around this so I finally stood in front of Thomas Barfield's door. Knock Knock and the door opened a tiny bit, just enough to score a hit to the head. Mission accomplished. The Nightsquid shall return.

[19:00 ] Citrus Kennedy Biscuit Jones III continued to do nothing
Citrus Kennedy Biscuit Jones III reports:

The Journal of C. K. B. Jones - 15th October

I still fear for my life at the hands of those who seek me, but it appears that my fears are at least partly unfounded. I have been the subject of no assassination attempts, nor have I ever felt even remotely threatened. Perhaps it is all some sick joke, and there is either no one out to kill me, or, if my hunters do exist, they may be grossly incompetent. Either way, it appears I am safe for the moment.

[19:00 ] 768, the number of the beast, well for 'beast' read 'Des Lynam' or something. I dunno, call the Police! found Mr. Edward 'The A. stands for Casual Sex' Heaney, and shot him
768, the number of the beast, well for 'beast' read 'Des Lynam' or something. I dunno, call the Police! reports:

Sunday at about 7pm I shot the legal target Ed Heaney...

He had his back to me so I went up and banged him like four hundred or so people before me.


[19:00 ] Xanthocroid- a person with fair hair and pale complexion took a potshot at Ed Heaney
Xanthocroid- a person with fair hair and pale complexion reports:

Dear Mr Umpires,

The luminous "Cambridge University Department of Alchemy" motif on Nedward's shirt was far too tempting to take a shot at. So I did >:) He didn't seem to mind though.

[20:00 ] James O'Driscoll (Rorschach) looked for Crap Shooter Heist, gave up, and then got stabbed by Ninja Holocaust
Rorschach reports:

Rorschach's journal. October 14th, 2006

Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "save us!"...

...and I'll look down, and whisper "no".

They had a choice, all of them. They could have followed in the footsteps of good men, like my father, or President Truman. Decent men, who believed in a day's work for a day's pay. Instead they followed the droppings of lechers and communists and didn't realise that the trail led over a precipice until it was too late.

Don't tell me they didn't have a choice.

Now the whole world stands on the brink, staring down into bloody hell, all those liberals and intellectuals and smooth-talkers...

...and all of a sudden, nobody can think of anything to say.

Rorschach's journal. October 15th, 2006

Slept all day. Awoken at 4:37. Soon it will be dark.

Beneath me, this awful city, it screams like an abattoir full of retarded children. Cambridge.

The dusk reeks of fornication and bad consciences. I believe I shall take my exercise.


First visit of evening fruitless. Nobody knew anything. Feel slightly depressed.

Never despair. Never surrender.

This city is an animal, fierce and complicated. To understand it I read its droppings, its scents, the movement of its parasites.

I leave the human cockroaches to discuss their heroin and child pornography. I have business elsewhere, with a better class of person.


Queen's Road: Women's breasts draped across every billboard, every display, littering the pavement. Was offered Swedish love and French love.

But not Cambridge love.

Cambridge love, like Coke on green glass bottles. They don't make it anymore.

Violent lives, ending violently. Witch Doctor, Jellybaby, The Git We never die in bed.

Not allowed.

Something in our personalities, perhaps? Some animal urge to fight and struggle, making us what we are?

Unimportant. We do what we have to do.

Others bury their heads between the swollen teats of indulgence and gratification, piglets squirming beneath a sow for shelter.

But there is no shelter and the future is bearing down like an express train.

In reading this now, wonder if I am alive or dead. Hope world lasts long enough for this to reach you. For my own part, regret nothing. Have lived life, free from compromise, and step into the shadow now without complaint.

Ninja Holocaust reports:

The Ninja Holocaust is on the verge of frenzy. Rorschach was a fool to attempt to kill me with a band gun, a true warrior makes his own weapons. Out of cardboard.

[20:00 ] Queen of Clubs managed to eliminate Rob Frimston(Will Harding) using a poisoned letter
Queen of Clubs reports:

My good umpire

It is my pleasure to inform you that i believe Rob Frimston is no more. I sent him a poison letter on saturday, and while dropping it off, poiosned a flyer in his pigeon hole to. I later returned, and both had been removed. Unless he was very lucky, or wearing gloves, the noxious chemicals within the thick sludge i administered should have found themselves within him, and he will be nor more.

Queen of Clubs

[22:15 ] Legs found Mr Right, but nothing interesting happened

Monday, 16 October

[12:00 ] A non-player received a poisoned letter from Thomas White

Someone reports:

Dear Umpire
Dear Other Umpire

It was with much bemusement that my roommate reported to have been killed by a poisoned letter. he is not playing this game, so I can only presume this was a result of someone completely fialing to find the right pigeon hole. Knowing I was an assassin he passed this letter on to me to deal with. I have to wonder if the killing of innocents via a lack of reading name labels counts as a wanted offence? :-P

The Umpire notes:

Thomas White would have been made wanted for extreme stupidity, and for killing innocents, if he was not already dead.

Please ensure that the pigeonhole into which you place a poisoned letter is that of your target

On another note, please only send poisoned letters by hand. Not only is it rather lame to send letters via ICMS, or Royal Mail, but doing so may make you wanted (especially if it is by Royal Mail) for endangering the lives of those humble posties (and possibly causing an Anthrax scare while you are at it).

[12:00 ] PC The Witch Doctor looked for that naughty wanted Jonathan Alexander Davidson Atkins, but failed to find him
The Witch Doctor reports:

repent, for tomorrow you die

[12:20 ] Silver Cyanide went looking for Wrecker_among_Meat_Benches, and then ran away very quickly

[12:30 ] Lurtz tried to find El Mariachi (possibly some sort of hobbit), but failed to do so
Lurtz reports:


The advancing hordes of Uruk-Hai close in around their target...

[13:00 ] Sarah Donnelly tried to steal a baby, but the Umpire saved it with his superpowers
Sarah Donnelly reports:

Mighty Double-Bodied Umpireship,

I present you with a tale of a most exciting time in Sainsbury's!

Within 5 minutes of seeing either Talan le Geyt or a very remarkable lookalike (he looked sleepy), and while I was standing in line at the checkout, not only did I see the floofly Nick-Umpire walk past, but within 10 seconds a very shifty-looking Gordon Ball also emerged!

I tell you, the various excitement hormone-y things in my system almost made me drop my Nectar card, they did.

Then I saved a runaway pram and went home.

The end.

[13:00 ] Helen Frances Holmes sent a poisoned letter to Nightsquid, who failed to be convinced by it

For sending a letter through the Royal Mail, failing to write a disclaimer, and mentioning in the note that the substance was Anthrax, Helen Frances Holmes is placed on the wanted list, and is now a licit target for all players.

She can redeem herself by making two licit kills of assassins.

The Umpire notes:

Do not ever, ever send a poisoned letter through the Royal Mail, or the ICMS (Inter-Colligiate Mail Service). Doing so may result in you being thunderbolted from the game. Also, always write a disclaimer on the letter. Not doing so may also result in sanctions. Also, please don't mention any real poisons on a letter, as that is a bit silly, and is liable to cause a scare.

[13:10 ] Jessica Kingsley Publishers looked for Kyramud hodayc (or just Kyramud for short), but to no avail
Jessica Kingsley Publishers reports:

Today at around 13:10 I lurked for a while for Kyramud hodayc (or just Kyramud for short), to no avail. On my way home I saw n highly suspcious people, but alas, none went so far as to draw a weapon on me.

[13:30 ] Robert Crowston placed a bounty on his own head
Robert Crowston reports:

I would like to place a reward of a box of Sainsburys Basic Jaffa Cakes for anyone who kills me whilst they are wearing Black Tie, White Tie, or any other equivalent forms of dress which any two of {the majority of those present in #assassins on, The Umpire, me} would agree is equivalent. This only applies to direct forms of killing, and not, for example, dropping off a poison letter whilst in the required dress.

Robert Crowston

The Umpire notes that a bounty on someone's head does not make them a licit target for you if they are not already

[13:30 ] Vigilante took out Megan Sydney Davies Wykes (Raven) as she returned from the library
Vigilante reports:

Dearest Umpire

I tiptoe quietly up the staircase, spotting my target's name on the door. Marked as 'in' I know I am fortunate. Careful to remain to oneside, should a firefight ensue, I try the handle of her room door. Locked! Foiled! Stealth to the blazes says I, rapping loudly on the door. Still no response. Could it be the sign indicating easy prey at the bottom of the staircase was the first sign of a trap? No. Losing heart, I start my walk back out of college.

Hang on a girl walking out of the library, fitting my target's description. It's her! Trailing her back up the stairs, I wait for her to enter her room and jump in afterwards my gun cracking like the 5th of November. I stab her once for good measure. Mission accomplished.


[14:00 ] Matt Taylor received a poisoned letter from James O'Driscoll (from beyond the grave), but got his neighbour to open it instead

As he was responsible for the death of an accomplice, Matt Taylor is placed on the wanted list.
He can redeem himself through one licit kill of an assassin.

The Umpire notes that getting someone else to open your mail will almost certainly make you wanted if they happen to open a poisoned letter for you.

[16:00 ] A bounty was placed on the head of that notorious furry, Michael Donaghy

An anonymous source reports:

A bounty has been placed upon the head of one Michael Donaughy [sic], notorious furry, often known as lmm. The bounty will consist of one bag of carrots and a bakewell tart soaked in soy sauce; and may be collected by any individual to kill him with a knife or a banana. Lolmm.

The Umpire notes that a bounty on someone's head does not make them a licit target for you

[18:20 ] David Birch noted that points mean prizes

Dear Mr. Umpire and Mrs. Umpire.

It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that that I regretfully report that I have my own self witnessed several dodgy looking shady assassinous villains wandering openly around with selections of very obvious and nasty looking huge water weapons secreted unsubtly about their personnes. Such a shocking lack of any adherence to the intention of subtlety should certainly have already been harshly dealt with by a swift and deserving death, but somehow these unsavoury players are still going strong and alive. Evidently your players are not trying hard enough.

I shall offer a prize (bounties are so outdated nowadays, prizes are much more fun) of one small sock puppet to the next player to legally shoot someone for bearing weapons*.

Hopefully this will rectify the situation and ensure that the players endeavour to "kill everyone dead lots faster now!" rather than when their inco deadline is approaching.

*This sock puppet shall not be red, or called Cecil.

[19:00 ] The University Of Cambridge declared Lauren Elise Massey (Red Ren) not to have deserved honours, with a poisoned letter

[21:00 ] JWiz zoomed around after Archangel, but didn't catch him
JWiz reports:

Following an intruiging meeting of SocDocSoc (ahem), I wandered around my target's college and stumbled across my target's room. Having waited 10 minutes I decided to give up for the night, then saw a rather Archangel-ish looking person walking towards me. With a shocked look on his face, he turned and ran. chasing through the corridoors for a while, I eventually lost him, being at the disadvantage of not knowing how to get around his college. He shall now pay.

[23:00 ] Someone overreacted to a spelling mistake

A concerned individual reports:

I am deeply concerned by the racist messages on the "Wanted" list. See attached picture report.


A deeply concerned individual

Subliminal Message?

[23:15 ] The evil Matt Taylor (Ninja Holocaust) was defeated by PC Shadowlord
Shadowlord reports:

11:15 I located Matt Taylor's House. Hearing no sound from within I preceeded to stake out the house from the shadows of the kitchen.

11:29 I hear the drubnken noises of people on the stairs returning from formal hall.

11:30 The convict opened his door, allowing his four friends to follow him. And the long arm of the law. Shouldering his associates out the way I repeatedly hit him with a cosh, before finishing him off with a nice thrust.

The fool didn't even realise he had broken the law. Ignorance is no excuse. I AM THE LAW!!!

Ninja Holocaust reports:

What's a Ninja to do? I thought it was quite cunning to get my neighbour to open my mail, although apparently not. Come on, what was I meant to do, burn it? It could have been a letter from my parents or maybe my master in Japan commenting on my thouroughly killtacular start to the game. But the fact remains that I am now(was) wanted, and perhaps I should have checked my emails before going to formal where I was pennied 8 times. This sufficiently slowed my reflexes (from perhaps 84,000 frames per second to around 60,000) to allow Shadowlord to administer a good stabbing as I staggered back to my room. Better luck next term.

Tuesday, 17 October

[01:10 ] Saul Glasman (Jethro Loss) was mercilessly slaughtered by Lady Mustapha Ponyweather's poisoned letter

[08:25 ] Emma Smith (Toast) was eaten by The Smoking Gnu

[08:55 ] Jessica Kingsley Publishers rejected a new book from A. S. Sassin (lodgoc)

[09:25 ] Jessica Kingsley Publishers looked for Matt Taylor, but he was already dead

[09:58 ] PC The Witch Doctor chased after Jonathan Alexander Davidson Atkins for a bit
Jonathan Alexander Davidson Atkins reports:

Aaargh! What did I do? Why me? All I did was inconvenience an innocent. This is inconveniencing me! And way to go for unsubtlety. Don't you think a supersoaker is a bit crude? I mean, if you want to kill me, at least have some style. Take me out for a coffee (or even better, a whisky) and then leave my body on the floor in the toilet at the back. That would be a good way to go.

But if you do plan on winning with superior firepower, you need superior numbers. If you organise a large enough organisation, you can be sure to get me.

Jacob Samuel Corteen reports:


Lost on the New Museums site in the vicinity of the Cockcroft Lecture Theatre at 10am on Tuesday 17th October, while chasing the eevil wanted Alex Atkins. Was loaded with red, thick bands.

Any player who may have found it, please let me know (jsc59)



Shadowlord reports:

At approximately 9 55, from the vantage point of the stairs leading to the Cockcroft Lecture theatre I spotted a man brandishing a gun in pursuit of a retreating figure. I was unable to take further action as the crowd swept me into the theatre. I know not the outcome of the event.

[11:30 ] Michael Patrick Wallace and Captain Charisma 768, the number of the beast, well for 'beast' read 'Des Lynam' or something. I dunno, call the Police! went looking for a naughty wanted, and found PC The Witch Doctor on the way
Michael Patrick Wallace reports:

Upon awaking at some god-awful hour it was decided that there were too many wantedses around, so myself and Captain Charisma headed over to the Museums of New (when will they have to stop calling them the 'New' Museums, and just call them the 'slightly New' or 'a bit Old' Museums?) to see if we could find the phearsome Jonathan Alexander Davidson Atkins. Unfortunately, despite encountering the even more phearsome Jacob Samuel Corteen, we did not spot him, so I went back to bed.

[12:00 ] The University Of Cambridge poisoned James Richard Zygmunt Collopy (little miss late)
The University Of Cambridge reports:

Dear All,

The University Of Cambridge has recently been concerned about a number of students, who are felt to not be paying sufficient attention to their studies owing to their involvement with a shadowy group calling themselves the Cambridge Assassins' Guild. Therefore, the decision was taken on Saturday 14th Oct to terminate their studies. This was attempted by means of sending them mail containing a fast-acting, deadly contact poison.

We are delighted to here that in the case of James Richard Zygmunt Collopy, this has proved successful. We would also like to take this opportunity to remind all students that while rowing and other serious sports are permissible activities to take away time intended for studying, involvement with the aforementioned Assassins' Guild is not. Nor, for that matter, is paid employment.

Yours Faithfully,

The University Of Cambridge.

[12:00 ] Lurtz stabbed Peter Prescott (El Mariachi) to the death
Lurtz reports:

"Aaarrrrrrrrrroooooooooo!" "The Horn of Gondor!?!?"

[12:30 ] PC The Witch Doctor looked for Matt Taylor, not knowing that he had already been taken out, and managed to shoot an innocent, thanks to 768, the number of the beast, well for 'beast' read 'Des Lynam' or something. I dunno, call the Police!'s expert eye
The Witch Doctor reports:

Steve: that's him! shoot him!

Me: *bang*

Steve: no it's... damn, too late

Me: bugger

Me: damn you steve

For shooting an innocent, Jacob Samuel Corteen is made corrupt, and is now a licit target for all Assassins and Police.
He can redeem himself by killing one licit target for a police officer (e.g. a wanted criminal)
Please don't inconvenience non-players by shooting them.

768, the number of the beast, well for 'beast' read 'Des Lynam' or something. I dunno, call the Police! reports:

For the record, I didn't say "shoot him", I said "call his name"... or something, and I did shout "stop, it's not him" twice between you running off and shooting him... oh well.

Lol standing next to steve mccann.

[14:00 ] Jack Ruby looked for Jim, but didn't find him
Jack Ruby reports:

Dear Umpires

All the way to sodding Robinson and no result. It's a bloody good thing the UL's nearby. Not that anything else is. What a crap location. I didn't go in. A disgusting exercise yard like Robinson? You don't have to blot that out, by the way, I don't care who knows it. Robinson sucks. Anyway, I didn't have much of a plan, so I don't know what I would have done if I had gone in. Robinson's such a hole the narrow corridors would have made it a deathtrap if I hadn't surprised my target (Jim). Plus they're stony and cold, there's nowhere to sit and they're draughty. Outside was much nicer. I imagine people from Robinson sleep on park benches and things when they can get them. So I hung around the big main stairs for 30 minutes or so. I know he likes them, the Facebook tells me so. He didn't come out. He didn't go in. I am fairly certain he cycled past me on the other side of the road though. That was quite demoralising. Also, the worry that I would be taken down for bearing was stopping me from scratching my nose, which by now was an issue. So I left.

And I would like to place a bounty (wait, Prize is the fashion now, isn't it?) upon all Assassins from Robinson, amounting to one packet of Penguins (the chocolate biscuits; I don't believe they sell the birds in Tesco's. Yet...), valid until my death, in order to decrease the probability of me ever having to go back there.

p.s. I don't understand why such things are being reported, but to leap up onto the bandwagon, I'm going to include the fact that this morning I got my laundry done whilst wearing a hat.

The Umpire reminds players that a bounty on someone's head does not automatically make them a licit target for you

Jack Ruby reports:

My targets have changed: the Robinson target is no longer any target of mine. This means I owe some hero Penguins - but more importantly, I never again need look at Robinson.

[14:50 ] A little man in a big coat and Maria went to get rid of the competition, but someone had got there first
Maria reports:

The Mafia were bored and decided to investigate the criminal Matt Taylor. They lurked his staircase and tried his door, but alas, he was not in. The Mafia will return.

[18:00 ] WTF? PKZP200X.
PKZP200X reports:

After managing to become lost, I found my target's room... Unfortunately, he didn't seem to be in... again. Maybe 3 times lucky?

Oh, and I found a penny! See? See?

[20:00 ] The Masked Moose looked for Quigley

[21:30 ] Abhorsen killed Iain Monro (Citrus Kennedy Biscuit Jones III), with a little help from caspase
Abhorsen reports:

After dining in the hall of Selwyn, I seized my chance to rid the world of the living of the Mordicant known as Iain Monro. I took up the seven bells of my office, and with caspase acting as the Abhorsen-in-waiting searched for the Mordicant through that part of the Old Kingdom known as Cripps Court, and then to that known as the bar. The bell Saraneth I used to bind him; Kibeth I used to walk him back to where he belongs, the world of the dead. I walked with him through the cold river as far as the fifth gate, and the current had taken had taken him so swiftly that he shall pass through and beyond the ninth gate and have no chance to return to the living world unless a necromancer more powerful than any we have seen since the time of Hedge and Chlorr should turn him in his tracks. I am the Abhorsen and this is my duty. The Dead shall not remain where they have no right to be.

Citrus Kennedy Biscuit Jones III reports:

Alas, as I write this my final breaths come haltingly from my lungs. As my guard was down, due to an unfortunate excess of the demon drink, a traitor in our midst, one whom I counted as a friend, revealed my identity to mine enemy. As I stood, unaware and unsuspecting, a person came up to me, and asked me to verify my name. Foolishly, in my intoxicated state, I complied, and was promptly stabbed in the stomach with a wicked blade. I managed to return to my rooms, and as I compile this final entry in my journal, my life blood spills in a pool around me.

And so ends the tale of Citrus Kennedy Biscuit Jones III.

[23:00 ] Kveldulf lurked in the shadows for Long
Kveldulf reports:

Odin waited, hanging from Yggdrasill,
piddling along and waiting for Long.
Alas, Loki's trickery prevailed,
He was not in.

[23:10 ] Frinkles fluffled Dan Jackson (Jack) with some assistance from Kveldulf, but he didn't seem to like it much
Frinkles reports:

Frinkles bouncified along and said herrow to Dan. He was a friendly person, so we brutally murdered him, and danced on his still-warm corpse. Oh well. More fluffiness for everyone!

Wednesday, 18 October

[08:30 ] Felix Aldonso removed Christian Richardt (Nightsquid) as he returned from preparing his breakfast

[09:45 ] The evil PC The Witch Doctor looked for the even more evil Jonathan Alexander Davidson Atkins (but didn't guard his house)
The Witch Doctor reports:

Well, it wasn't me "guarding" your house, I did lurk it for a while, but you didn't show, and this wasn't at lunchtime. Appears someone else is responsible for your lack of lunch.

[11:55 ] The Witch Doctor lurked for Jonathan Alexander Davidson Atkins outside his lectures

[12:30 ] Jonathan Alexander Davidson Atkins went out for lunch
Jonathan Alexander Davidson Atkins reports:

I was going to say, it's funny, I haven't seen anyone trying to kill me today (except, now that I think of it, one of the first-year mathmos looking fishy) but now it seems that my house is being guarded. I suppose I will have to have lunch somewhere else today. I suppose it's the price you pay...

[13:30 ] The Duke also noticed someone hanging around outside Jonathan Alexander Davidson Atkins's abode
The Duke reports:

The Duke approached the shady-looking abode of Jonathan Alexander Davidson Atkins, his knives eagerly ready but concealed from the casual onlooker. Sadly for the Duke, one onlooker was not so casual. A glare from a heavy-duty looking guard penetrated his aura of consciousness. Aware that he was being watched, The Duke swirled around and vanished with a flick of his cloak.

[13:55 ] WTF? Peppy Hare? I ordered Fox McCloud!
WTF? reports:

Why do they keep knocking on my damn door?

Peppy Hare reports:

Dearest umpire
I note with considerable disappointment a complete lack of pictorial reports to date; I offer this to encourage those with more patience and/or photoshop skills to produce something superior.

One does not simply barrel roll into the target's room

[14:00 ] An Umpire stabbed Michael Patrick Wallace for bearing gifts
Michael Patrick Wallace reports:

Today I decided to give the Umpire(s) a present, but got stabbed by one of them when I went to deliver it :( I would like it to be made public that unless they are Lame, they shall duel on the day of the incobash (that's Sunday, kids) for the honour of receiving a PwC puncture repair kit.

(seriously, they gave us a puncture repair kit, I mean really...)

[15:30 ] Scorpius removed the brains of Edward Burgess (Soothsayer AKA Trillian) with a fork and spoon
Scorpius reports:

Scorpius headed out into town, heart dark, intent gruesome. His mind was focused solely on the eradication of one Edward Burgess of Pembroke College. Rain played salty dances in the breeze, impacted with dry lips and burrowed frow, simmered quickly away. The victim's abode was a trial to descry, but the passing of time had no meaning, only the passing of life. A trio of raps upon the mongrel's door brought out the prey with unexpected insouciance. It may have been his first slip, may have been his only drop of the guard. It was certainly his last. As Edward Burgess opened the door, wide and welcoming, Scorpius drew his trusty banana-gun from its sheath and aimed three inches from the head and, "BANG BANG BANG", quoth I. Using the entry wound as a convenient hole, and the head as a gory bowl, Scorpius feasted upon the pinkened brain of the deceased with a fork and spoon. Scorpius will be hungry again soon.

[17:00 ] The Witch Doctor went all the way to Girton to find Helen Frances Holmes
The Witch Doctor reports:

Someone tell Girton to make it easier to find staircases, *please*.

[18:00 ] Yiff or no yiff? ^.^;;<|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||>
^.^;;<|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||> reports:

Battleships ftw

[18:30 ] James Arnold (Jim) besieged The Tea-party Crasher within his room, but blackjack was called, and saved the day
Jim reports:

I was innocently beseiging The Tea-party Crasher, when after about 10 minutes I made the mistake of opening the door. I should have known someone was there, if nothing else because I heard him call for backup.

I regret to announce that The Tea-party Crasher's accomplice took me out with his stabby, stabby sword. As illustrated in my subsequent observation:
"Aaah! Pointy!"

May I rest in peace,

The Tea-party Crasher reports:

The Tea-party Crasher was recumbent in his room, sleeping off a days exertions. The crash of the door flying open brought him to his senses; he emitted a strange bird-like caw and dived behind the bed. Jim hid and crawled and pretended to leave the room, but still The Tea-party Crasher hid with only a few rubber bands as deterrent to an open knifing. Minute after tense minute. Terse hostile dialogue broke the silence. Back-up was called.

Jim's rubber bands bounced harmlessly off the walls. The Tea-party Crasher's back-up is slow to arrive. In fact... it doesn't arrive at all. Jim begins to wonder where it has got to and opens the door to check A sword slides through the door into Jim's torso and he screams in terror and frustration as his lifebloods drain out. blackjack has saved the day.

[21:15 ] Shadowlord, of internal affairs, removed the corrupt Jacob Samuel Corteen (The Witch Doctor)
Shadowlord reports:

Spotting the face of the known rogue cop Jacob Samuel Corteen on the way out of my college, I quickly drew a knife I had about my person and dispensed the law's punishment.

Unfortunately the knife blade broke in his back. Lost a good knife there. Still justice is given. I am the LAW!!!!

[22:00 ] The Spirit and the Dust travelled for many a day in the dark to find the evil Helen Frances Holmes
The Spirit and the Dust reports:

I trekked all the way to a faraway college yesterday around 10pm. It was a very long trek, and i faught 2 bears on the way. Sadly I didnt find Helen Frances Holmes, and had to walk all the way back.

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