Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 1 News

Thursday, 19 October

[11:00 ] Luke Barbanneau (WTF?) was destroyed by PKZP200X
PKZP200X reports:

Stumbling out of the lecture theatre that I was in, I spotted Master Luke Barbanneau preparing himself to leave. I went up, gave a quick hello, and promptly stabbed him with a rather worn but trusty knife into his torso. No one else seemed to notice, so I made a quick getaway after giving my best wishes to Barbs.


[11:45 ] Sarah Donnelly and Captain Charisma Stephen McCann visited Jonathan Alexander Davidson Atkins (Legs) in lectures, after which Stephen McCann killed him
Stephen McCann reports:

Lurking and Subtlety 1 , Running around with a CPS 0.


Jonathan Alexander Davidson Atkins reports:

Alas! I am dead. I was lucky enough to get a swift and painless death, though, and I admire the delicate grace with with I was despatched, by our very own Capt. Charisma 768.

I figured that apart from only three real attempts on two of my targets, I've mainly been avoiding assassins the last few days, so I reasoned that the easiest legitimate kill I could make would be to take out one of the pigeons that prance up and down outside my house with supersoakers, or some other such unsubtle stalker. Having received a tip-off that someone had been waiting for me behind a low, flat-roofed building at the end of my lectures for the past two days, I climbed up a fire escape and on to said roof, with the intention of jumping down behind my enemy and knifing him before he could get his weapon fired up. Not only was there nobody there, but, as I climbed over the bannister, I hurt my knee, so I sat down at the bottom of the steps and waited for my friends to leave the lecture hall.

I'm with subtlety. In my opinion, your prey should be dead before he knows you're trying to kill him. In a very real way, I'm pleased to have been taken care of by such a like-minded individual. And it seems that, unlike someone else I could mention, 768 does know how to use a bang-kill properly.

Sarah Donnelly reports:

Steve: "It looks like he might climb over the staircase - he could be heading for the other exit from the site - quick, go lurk for him there!"

Me: [runs]

...5 minutes of progressively less subtle lurking later, I phone Steve to ask if he's lost the target...

Me: "Hello?"

Steve: "Hey, I got him, he was sitting on the steps [where we first saw him] and..."

Me: [fumes quietly]


[12:05 ] Lieutenant Charisma Shadowlord visited Helen Frances Holmes and Jonathan Alexander Davidson Atkins at their lectures
Shadowlord reports:

12 05: Tracked down the lecture Helen Frances Holmes was supposed to be attending. Hall was already filling so I left as she had already entered. The net is closing though

12 15 I discovered the corpse of the heinous fiend Jonathan Alexander Davidson Atkins with the help of an undisclosed associate. He offered us a nice cup of tea but we declined.

[12:10 ] Captain Conciseness enlightened us all once more


Am further dismayed to see that tradition of submitting poor-quality pictures in place of textual reports also not yet dead. Since picture equates to 1,000 words, would hope that with such expenditure of verbiage author could have produced something more aesthetically satisfying. Am therefore extending previously-offered bounty on those with excessively long pseudonyms to also cover anyone who submits a report in pictorial form. Payout therefore currently available on "768, the number of the beast, well for 'beast' read 'Des Lynam' or something. I dunno, call the Police!", "Xanthocroid- a person with fair hair and pale complexion", "A little man in a big coat", "Kyramud hodayc (or just Kyramud for short)" and "Peppy Hare".


Captain Conciseness

The Umpires remind players that having a bounty on someone's head does not make them a licit target unless they would be otherwise

[18:00 ] Justin Case tried to deliver some poisoned letters to Wrecker_among_Meat_Benches and Jessica Kingsley Publishers, but couldn't even find their pigeonholes

[19:00 ] Another bounty was posted...

Captain Colgate reports:

I bounty all who violate my "monopoly" on "contact poison".

yours in shine,

Captain Colgate

The Umpire notes that a bounty does not make anyone a licit target for you who would not be otherwise

[20:00 ] Kveldulf obliterated Yiwei Xie (huh?)
Kveldulf reports:

Then the powerful, mighty one,
he who rules over everything,
will come from above, to the
judgement-place of the gods.

There comes the dark dragon flying,
the shining serpent, up from Dark-of-Moon Hills;
Nidhogg flies over the plain, in his wings
he carries corpses; now Yiwei must sink down.

[20:00 ] Someone thought that people were being nasty to the Umpires

Captain Conscientious reports:

Dear Umpires,

I have been most upset to see the pressure that your good selves have been put under with regards to the "anthrax" letter, especially by the denizens of the #assassins IRC channel. Thus I would like to place a rather substantial bounty, sorry, prize on the heads of all those involved in chastising such hard working umpires as yourselves. Players should contact myself via the Umpires if they desire further details on who exactly to kill, but I would like to encourage a "shoot first, ask later" policy if at all possible.


Captain Conscientious

The Umpires note that a bounty on someone's head does not make them a licit target if they are not already one

[21:00 ] The Marmite Monster looked for Felix Aldonso

Friday, 20 October

[08:30 ] The Smoking Gnu pondered what sort of snack to offer the corpse of Richard Manns (V)
The Smoking Gnu reports:

The Smoking Gnu, having finished a book waiting for the door to open, ended the life of Richard Manns, who took his demise with surprising* equanimity, and declined the offer of a digestive biscuit.

General question - as a post-decedum snack, digestive or rich tea biscuits?

*and if truth be told not a little disappointing, following as it did so directly upon the falseto swansong of Emma Smith.

V reports:

One was shot fairly in the heart several times. My attention was distracted by the 4 other people who had been sleeping in my room that night. Damn. Sodding coincidences.

And no kills to my name this game. The shame...

[08:30 ] The Undead PC Which Doctor? went all the way to Girton again to kill Helen Frances Holmes (*my*friend*goo*)
Which Doctor? reports:

Girton isn't that far really...

*my*friend*goo* reports:

8.20 (approx.) return from the bathroom having sprung out of bed previous, humming a tune. see suspicious gentleman scoot into the kitchen but didnt really think that much of it as i walked by. 8.30 (approx) left my room, ruler in hand, looked about a bit, started walking down the corridor *ah!* i was elastic banded to death. very professional job done, no mess, a courteous assasin.

can i take my death as an opportunity to apologise to all involved in the game for the trouble i have caused.

[09:55 ] Shadowlord shot the corpse of Helen Frances Holmes a bit

[11:00 ] Mjollnir looked for the Code Monkey with Letheanmere
Mjollnir reports:

Mjollnir searched for Code Monkey. Mjollnir saw no sign of Code Monkey. Mjollnir will return.

[12:55 ] Felix Aldonso showed Duncan Hawthorne (John Fru) the price of bearing weapons, while Shadowlord looked on
Shadowlord reports:

While at the house of the suspect Felix Aldonso, we spotted a figure carrying a weapon entering the stairwell. We moved to the top of the stairs and managed to shove a stone duck statue on top of him as he walked up. (The statue was made from multiple cardboard boxes.) Let that be a lesson to those who walk around with blatent weapons. The deceased name was Duncan Hawthorne, who went by the monica John Fru.

Oh and I heard there was a bounty for getting the first killing a person who was carrying....... Get in contact please, (my email's on the police list.)

[13:30 ] David Gillespie (Kveldulf) was poisoned by The Process of Putrification has already begun....
The Process of Putrification has already begun.... reports:


Kveldulf reports:

I see further ahead
to the terrible doom of the fighting gods.

Brother will fight brother and be his slayer,
brother and sister will violate the bond of kinship,
hard it is in the world, there is much adultery,
axe-age, sword-age, shields are cleft asunder,
wind-age, wolf-age, before the world plunges headlong;
no man will spare another.

Lyngheid and Lofnheid!
know that my life is snatched from me,
need makes men do many things!
I go now, sink down to Hel.

[15:00 ] Arthur Penhalagion rode forth to find Louis
Arthur Penhalagion reports:

Dame Primus had informed Arthur of the location of another section of the Will - hidden in Cambridge, in a Secondary Realm very similar to the one Arthur had come from. He set out to defeat the Morrow Day holding it, but he was not to be found. Perhaps he was plotting something even more nefarious with the remaining Trustees. Unnerved, Arthur retired to the House, to regroup.

[15:30 ] Red Grant left a deadly note for Helen Frances Holmes

[18:00 ] Don't Be The Bunny tried to poison The Selig, but did not succeed
The Selig reports:

The Selig entered the post room and felt something amiss, on examination of his pidgeon hole contained a mysterious letter. Donning Plastic Gloves he transfers the letter into a bag and swiftly removes it to his lair for inspection. on opening the letter (with gloves) he discovers a white toxic powder. He quickly transfers the letter to the a sealed plastic bag...but not before noticing the name of his would be killer - he shall be avenged.

[18:15 ] Sarah Donnelly murdered an innocent young man, without provocation (except that he was bearing)

Tom Booth reports:

Dear "Umpires",

At approximately 6.15 yesterday afternoon, I was strolling happily through the grounds of Trinity College with a friend. He pointed out that his girlfriend's room was not far away, so we went over to say hello to Miss Sarah Donnelly. As we approached, I noticed that her window was open, so climbed up to wave through it, only to be ignored by the occupant (although Miss Blaise Martay, who was present, pointed me out.) Outraged by this lack of attention, I took hold of a fluffy elephant lying near the window and ran off with it, hoping that this would lead to Sarah talking to me.

What I was not expecting was for Miss Donnelly to produce a GUN and SHOOT me IN THE FACE WITH IT. I was told that this was part of some "game" and that you were the people to talk to about it. I am shocked and appalled at this random assault and urgently wish to know what action you will take.


[19:15 ] Uiopas lay aside his reading material to find The Tea-party Crasher
Uiopas reports:

Dear Umpire and Umpire I decided to lay aside my borrowed copy of Jean-Pierre Serre last night and go be unproductive. More specifically, to go find my target The Tea-party Crasher. I entered my target's lair at 1915 on Friday. I passed several people sitting on a landing drinking or something who seemed to only give half a notice as I passed them while goin up the stairs. No one seemed to be in the room but I decided to stick around for a bit just in case. In about 10-15 minutes one of the people came upstairs, and by the number of rooms, I had a 50% chance that this was my target. I asked for my target and he replied that he's not in. So either this was my target and he suspected I was an assassin (he certainly was not ``in'') or he was not and would hopefully think nothing more of it. I debated whether to attack, given the odds, but in the end, decided that he wouldn't take at all kindly to being zapped with a rubber band if I was wrong and I peacably made my retreat.

[19:30 ] A little man in a big coat shot Anyetta White (The Smoking Gnu) a bit
A little man in a big coat reports:


It is with a mixture of respect and satisfaction that I write to inform you of the death of Miss Anyetta White, at five minutes past seven on the evening of the twentieth of October. The coroner's report gave the cause of death as internal haemmorhaging due to the multiple bullet wounds to the lower spine, but from a more practical point of view Anyetta White's untimely demise can be attributed to a momentary lapse in her otherwise impeccable paranoia. She is believed to have been discovered by three of her distraught neighbours soon after the attack, but none have come forward to testify, provoking speculation that the assailant may still have been in the vicinity and sworn them to silence.

Further, it is with a mixture of malicious glee and more malicious glee that I inform the Guild that as of now there is a bounty of one 500g/1lb Cadbury's Dairy Milk bar payable to anyone who can bring me the head of Thomas Wootten on a platter, literally or figuratively. Either deposit it in my pigeonhole with a covering letter or leave it in the care of the Umpire.

yours faithfully,

A little man in a big coat.

The Umpire notes that a bounty on someone's head does not make them a licit target for you if they would not otherwise be.

The Smoking Gnu reports:

That very morning, I had waited a not inconsiderable time outside the abode of Richard Manns, then taken advantage of his being distracted by a room full of people to step calmly forward as he opened the door, and shoot him with a bandgun.

When, therefore, I found myself in the kitchen of my landing, being uncharacteristically sociable with a similar number of people, I should have perceived beneath the social chitchat the dark chucklings of the irony gods, and exercised more even than my usual paranoia in making my way back to my room.

Instead, I threw all caution to the winds, stepped across the corridor without checking through the perfectly visible glass panel of the landing door, lowered both my eyes and my gun to find my keys, and was then surprised when someone stepped calmly forward when someone stepped calmly forward as I opened the door, and shot me with a bandgun.

Unlike the stoical Mr Manns, I screamed like a Wildebeest.

To add insult to injury, I am obliged to apologise to my assassin for the fact that the four Amazons on my landing then shot out of the kitchen and shouted at him for killing me, alleging that he should not have on account of my gender.

The shame.

Anyone reading the recent report of the untimely demise of Anyetta White, lately The Smoking Gnu, will know that the coroner certified the cause of death as 'internal haemmorhaging due to the multiple bullet wounds to the lower spine'. While this is possibly true, it is also worth mentioning the possibility of cerebral trauma, for as the victim, already mortally wounded and no longer a threat, pivoted in her death throes before her door, her assailant shot her several more times.

In the mouth.

The Smoking Gnu

The Gnu waxes most wroth...

[20:30 ] Jackal tried to find larry the llama, but had no success

[22:00 ] Charles Curry shot a legal innocent for bearing
Charles Curry reports:

dearest umpires:

i got drunk tonite, and shot someone with a rubber band. they were bearing.

yours sincerely


[23:00 ] Jessica Kingsley Publishers published PC Jacob Samuel Corteen (Which Doctor?) straight to hell
Jessica Kingsley Publishers reports:

Today, I observed Jacob Samuel Corteen with a small watergun, and unleashed my killer bear upon him.

Saturday, 21 October

[10:30 ] The Selig almost tried to kill The Masked Moose
The Selig reports:

After stocking up on supplies the Selig decides to take a detour past the known layer of one The Masked Moose. Senses heightened he stares into the eyes of his prey as he catches a glance of him through a window. Entering the building he hears his prey calling his name. Never underestimate the enemy. The Selig waits for The Masked Moose to venture downstairs but alass he does not. After a while The Selig returns to his nest to contemplate his next attack, for he is well aware of the dangers stairs can present.

[11:30 ] A little man in a big coat and Maria tried to find Vigilante and Nuck, but didn't manage to take them out

[12:10 ] The Fursecutor-General published a list
The Fursecutor-General reports:

Dear Umpire,

It has been drawn to my attention that there are many undesirable personages taking part in your game. I refer, of course, to the malaise known as 'furries'. These deviants can no longer be tolerated in polite society and must therefore be eliminated. I have taken the liberty of preparing the following list of remaining perverts:

  • The Masked Moose
  • larry the llama
  • ^.^;;<|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||>
  • Wolverine
  • Code Monkey
  • Scorpius
  • The owner of a kleenexophagous dinosaur
  • Jackal
  • Peppy Hare
However, these all pale in significance compared to the great pervert larry the llama.

Additionally, I would like to congratulate Don't Be The Bunny for their assistance to me in the battle to purge these degenerates.

These bestiality-obsessed freaks have already been removed:
  • Jessica Rabbit
  • Raven
  • Nightsquid
  • Pink Panda
  • The Smoking Gnu
May the destruction of these hirsute Habbo-hankerers continue.

Code Monkey reports:

What? I'm not a furry!

[12:30 ] Red Grant poisoned Ting Zhang (Tinkyhippo)

[14:00 ] Wolf hunted for mxlemming

[18:00 ] Nurse Bernard sent Stephen Legg (Sandy Dorston) to meet his maker

[18:00 ] The University Of Cambridge placed a bounty on some people...
The University Of Cambridge reports:

Dear All,

It has recently come to our attention that a number of students at this most esteemed university have been actively using some form of magic or ritual to bring themselves back from the dead. While this may be tolerable on occasion, repeated use would suggest that the student in question should perhaps remain dead.

Thus, we have taken the decision to place a bounty, of a box of Roses, Celebrations, or similar, on the heads of students known to have engaged in this activity, Jacob Samuel Corteen and Alexander James Barron Higgs. And also on those suspected to be involved in facilitating these revivals, namely Stephen McCann, Nick Plummer, and Philip Bielby, although that will be a smaller box. Since the rumours of the immortality of the last two listed have come to our attention, the bounty in their case will be awarded for an attempt; all others must be killed to claim this incentive.

Yours Faithfully,

The University Of Cambridge

The Umpires remind players that bounties on people's heads do not make them licit targets for you if they would not be otherwise. The also remind players that they might not want to test the immortality of the Umpires...

[19:00 ] Wrecker_among_Meat_Benches tried to kill Queen of Clubs
Queen of Clubs reports:

I wish to inform the umpire that a poor but entertaining attempt was made on my life on saturday. at around 6:30 (don't quote me on this) I heard a knock on my door. Not being completly stupid I asked who it was. They said a name, which I do not recall, and I asked what they needed me for.

Note to future assasins, saying "I have a piece of paper with your name on it" is NOT a good enough story to make me open my door. I told him I knew what was going on, and he left.

I thought no more of it until half an hour I recieved a visit from one of the porters saying they had apprehended a man lurking in the bushes outside my room. I went and explained what was going on, meeting my would be killer in the process.

The porters seemed to be most amused by the whole thing, I heard one telling the bar staff and I have a feeling that I'm going to get the piss taken out of me for the rest of the year.

Better luck next time

Queen of Clubs

[20:00 ] A friendly Xanthocroid visited yeoth, amongst other things
A friendly Xanthocroid reports:

Here are some profitable uses of 80 minutes:

1) Finding out what love is
2) Eating a can of 8 pork sausages and beans presuming a time of 10 minutes to eat beans or a sausage
3) Lurking for yeoth
4) Round the world in...
5) Rofl

NB some of the above may not be true. I leave this to the reader's discretion. Lol.

[21:00 ] mxlemming looked for Jackal

[21:10 ] Inconceivable! That Jess Hatchett (Wolverine) should die?
Inconceivable! reports:

I went to Jess Hatchett's room, heard her voice from behind the door, knocked on the door, waited for her to come out and shot her. I believe her last word was "Ouch."


[23:30 ] Emily Wilsdon (The Penguin of Death) looked for Jackal, but decided to knock on the door of David Gillespie (Kveldulf) as well, who shot her while Frinkles looked on
The Penguin of Death reports:

The Penguin of Death went to the door of Jackal. The Penguin knocked. The Penguin, upon receiveing no reply, lurked. The Penguin ate some kippers. The Penguin posted threatening signs on the target's door. The Penguin then foolishly knocked on the opposite door. After a paranoid exchange, the Penguin became convinced that something was being hidden behind the occupant's back... The occupant, Kveldulf, realised that the Penguin was bearing a rather lethal and squishy bananagun and drew his arms - the Penguin responded in defence. The result was a very simultaneous double killing, witnessed by Frinkles, of the Penguin for bearing and of the Policeman for drawing a gun on the Penguin. The Penguin regrets all this death, particularly as the iniquitous Jackal still lives.

The Penguin of Death post-humously offers a kipper to any assassin who takes out Jackal.

Sunday, 22 October

[10:45 ] A little man in a big coat almost shot an innocent in Wolverine's room
A little man in a big coat reports:

Thank G-d for the safety catch. This morning, at roughly a quarter to eleven, I burst into the room of Wolverine and pulled the trigger, just once, on my trusty weapon. The occupant, an unidentified male, was understandably surprised at this, and promptly fell over backwards and moved no more. Despite searching the room and his apparently lifeless body for the single round I assumed must be present, I was unable to locate it, and began to head home despondently, to confess my heinous crime to the authorities.

However, on my way I began to think more deeply about what had transpired. Still unsatisfied as to the fate of the round I had fired, I re-checked the weapon concealed on my person. What I found confirmed my suspicions. The exact same number of rounds were loaded into it has had been when I set out - my shot had been a misfire, prevented by the safety catch of my weapon, which in the heat of the moment I had forgotten was engaged! Consequently the collapse of the room's occupant must have merely been a loss of consciousness caused by the shock of being confronted by a gunman, and thus I do not have his innocent blood on my hands.

yours faithfully,

A little man in a big coat

[11:10 ] Mr Right sent a poisoned letter to Jack Ruby
Jack Ruby reports:

Oh dear oh dear. A letter with no stamp delivered on a Sunday that rattles when you prod it? Bad assassin. Bad bad assassin. Go sit in the corner. I remain alive and unharmed.

[12:00 ] Polo Queen poisoned Rowena Eason (Her Majesty, The Queen of Sheba, defender of the faith, destroyer of souls, and raccoons' bane)

[14:00 ] Incobash!

The Umpire reports:

After everyone had arrived at the Anchor (perfectly on time), a fine bunch of incobashers set off to kill some incos.

First on the list was the fortress of Newnham College, where the Umpire was left in the pouring rain while part of the force entered the building and proceeded to the targets' rooms. Here Sarah Donnelly killed the inco Olesya Kryshevich (OLES) and Captain Charisma Stephen McCann killed Shadia Nasralla (Mil).

Our valient band then moved on to Gonville & Caius, where Stephen McCann shot Tom Hamilton (Buster).

We then moved on to King's College, without success, Trinity Hall, without success, and then on to Trinity College. In Trinity College, most of our merry band tried to kill Maxim Daniline (Crusher from Russia), but somehow Michael Patrick Wallace succeeded. At this point, Sarah Donnelly shot an innocent's leg, but since it was only the leg, and she killed two people during the incobash, she is deemed to have redeemed herself (at some point she shot Josh Waters (Mike E) too).

After all of this success, we moved on to St. John's College and Christ's College, both without success, and we decided to call it a day.

Olivier Bel reports:

Hail unto thee sire Umpire,

I have been attacked today by a whole bunch of strange looking people.

One knocked on my door, which i slightly openned and, upon seeing a gun, i crouched and closed it very quickly. My would be killer had time to fire two elastic bands into the room. The first one clearly missed me for it was at the end of the room, the other is less sure for it landed somewhere in the middle of the room. It may have been fired from a poorer gun, or it may have ripped or bounced on my arm and shoulder (hence my hesitation at the questions asked (well the first hesitation was because i hadn't seen that anything had been fired at all lol)), though i'm sure it didn"t hit my chest (it wouldn't have flown that far) or my head (i would have felt it). What should i do about that?

Having an essay to write, I then waited until they (the cops i guess) left -i hope you saw me waving :p. Oh and by the way, leaving your bag under my window, or talking to my incoming neighbours -to mention just a few clues- is not a good idea to hide your presence...

see you next time !

Sarah Donnelly reports:

Dearest Melded Entity Consisting of Floofy Half-Umpire and Unpunctual Half-Umpire,

I'm too lazy to write much of a report so have my kill total, in chronological order:

Olesya Kryshevich (hail of rubber bands on shocked but nice girl), Maxim Daniline's friend's leg (accidental and regretted muchly), my jeans (due to rain and failing to notice that the overly-shocked inco in Clare had trapped the cuff when hastily closing the door), and Josh Waters (by bang-kill - he was amused).


Sarah Donnelly

Michael Patrick Wallace reports:

Ah, the joys of the incobash. It rained a lot. You might even say I got very wet (do you see what I did there?). Ooh, and I killed someone too (it takes a very skilled assassin to get through an unlocked door, possibly) - this made me :)

Tom Wootten reports:

"Trinity Hall, without success"? I beg to differ, your Umpiricalnesses. I distinctly remember myself plunging my trusty 12inch ruler knife into the heart of Sam Hunter Gordon (Blind Guardian) as he was sitting on the stairs. While there was some debate as to whether he was already dead by self-poisoning, there should be no debate about the fact that he is dead now, and, having spoken to him from the Other Side (not to be confused with the far more horrific Other Place), he's rather glad of it.


Tom Wootten

Olivier Bel reports:

Hail unto thee Umpire,
could you please tell Sarah Donnelly that i apologize for the death of her jeans in my door.

Thank thee

[15:00 ] delirium looked for Inconceivable! in the rain
delirium reports:

lurked for Inconceivable! in the drizzling rain, slowly getting wet and angry. someone's going to pay....


[15:00 ] Minette Hermitage went to find The University Of Cambridge

[15:30 ] Archangel sent a poisoned letter to blackjack, but failed to kill him

[16:00 ] 1.) ^.^;;<|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||> 2.) ...
^.^;;<|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||> reports:


[17:00 ] Scorpius decided to update us all on the current situation
Scorpius reports:

Scorpius did not concentrate in his lecture on Saturday. Scorpius daydreamed of imaginitive plans to rip the life from his still-warm victims-to-be. Scorpius has renewed and updated his mighty banana-gun (which was becoming rusty and kept clogging up) to a newer model from the Isle of Fairtrade. Scorpius looks upon you small players with bemused scorn.

[21:00 ] The Tea-party Crasher tried to find Mr Right

[21:00 ] Scorpius and The Tea-party Crasher looked for The Spirit and the Dust, Mr Right and Mjollnir

Monday, 23 October

[10:00 ] Xanthocroid- a person with fair hair and pale complexion had the chance to kill Olesya Kryshevich and Ting Zhang taken away from her
Xanthocroid- a person with fair hair and pale complexion reports:

Dearest Umpires,

A rather belated report, I'm afraid. But you must understand that I have spent the past week in a RAGE due to the actions of my superior (though only in rank) Steve "Boom Boom" McCann. Yes, that's right, he went and killed the lovely Newnham fresher incos. Despite the fact I live opposite one of them (Olyisha). What a greedy bastard..!

So here is a little inventory of my failed attempts on the Newnhamites.

Sunday evening: Discover Newnhamites on list. Knock on Olyesha and Ting's doors. Not in. Nevermind, I thought to myself. They live on the same corridor as me, so I figure I'll get them soon enough. Ting has an interesting pirate poster on her door.

Monday Morning: Go round to Ting's room and again she is not in. But later on, I hear workman coming round the corridor. I hear Olyesha and look through my spyhole. I armed with my plastic attack duck. I go outside and brandish the duck ready to pounce and she tells me she is already dead. Shazia is also there and is dead too :( :(

RARRRGH. Perhaps I should KILL HIM in revenge.

Anyway, sorry for taking so long to report. I sometimes get so angry that I become paralysed with rage. This time I was so angry I spent 4 hours on public transport escaping from Cambridge and betrayal..

[10:10 ] Aaron Gordon Curtis (phlogiston) and (name removed) (Jingellie) suffered collateral damage at the hands of The Fursecutor-General.
The Fursecutor-General reports:

Dear Umpire,

I write with a mix of joy and trepidation in my step, bringing tidings of another victory against the loathsome zoophiles.
Since last we corresponded I have been delighted to hear of the timely eradication of The Penguin of Death and Wolverine.
However, your despataches have saddened me by detailing the depravities of mxlemming and PC Happy the Cat. These cannot be condoned.
Regrettably, phlogiston and Jingellie have been considered a collateral loss in our glorious crusade but I am sure that they would be overjoyed to hear that we will honour their memories by fighting on against these filthy furversions.

Most importantly of all, we are given to understand that the death of phlogiston will bring us forth a flood of objects known as Penguins. We are not sure how to respond optimally to such creatures, but rest assured that THEY WILL BE FURSECUTED!

[11:00 ] PC Happy the Wonder Cat shot Christopher Andrew Morgan Hill (the ninja) outside of his lectures

[12:15 ] Silver Cyanide tried to find Her Majesty, The Queen of Sheba, defender of the faith, destroyer of souls, and raccoons' bane

[12:30 ] Diane Doliveux discovered poisoned letters in her pigeonhole from Kyramud hodayc (or just Kyramud for short) and Red Grant
Diane Doliveux reports:

About 20 minutes ago I went down to my post box and found not one but TWO letters I suspected to be poisoned. I ran upstairs to grab some rubber gloves and back down to the student bar to open them with my some of my fellow Assassins. The first had a first class stamp (but no post mark, return address or my box number on it - I was not fooled) and was poisoned with vaseline, signed A Sassin. The second more convincingly used one of those window envelopes with a typed address, but unfortunatley a massive orange stain on the back that made me suspect it wasn't from a reliable source. This one was poisoned by Red Grant, suitably with tomato ketchup.

thanks assassins.

Kyramud hodayc (or just Kyramud for short) reports:

Su'cuy kyramude! Ibi'tuur jatne tuur ash'ad kyr'amur. Ni ru nariti loras kyramla lo t'ad be ner lenedate'palone. Bic umaan kyr'amu val; meh val ramaanar ni ven cuyi briikase, a'val ven oyacyi.

[13:30 ] Lieutenant Charisma Shadowlord sat down to lunch with the inco James Wilson (irish-aces)
Shadowlord reports:

Sat down to James Wilson while he was eating his lunch. I gave the sentence appropriate to his crimes. An immediate appointment with the sharp bit of a knife for absolute incompetence.

[15:00 ] Eystein P. Thanisch poisoned a door handle...

For poisoning the door handle of one of his targets, Eystein P. Thanisch is placed on the wanted list.
He can redeem himself through one licit kill of an assassin.

Eystein P. Thanisch reports:

Dear Umpire,

Just thought I would check the rules again retrospectively about contact poisoning door handles and have found that it is a major offence. I am sure there is a logical reason for this but whatever it is, it did not occur to me. If you really feel you have to make me Wanted over this, then bring it on, but you will be surprised at just how many cops I can take down!

See you in court and apologies for the booby,


[15:00 ] Diego Hidalgo, Rishi Baveja and Sami Husa had a visitor. ^.^;;<||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||>
^.^;;<||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||> reports:

A trip to Girton

[18:30 ] James Nicholas Uffindell and Michael Donaghy (Jessica Kingsley Publishers AKA Peppy Hare) had a duel!

The Umpire reports:

After an incident earlier in the day where the outcome was uncertain, James Nicholas Uffindell and Michael Donaghy decided to duel to the death. Being a nice Umpire, I offered to judge the duel, and they therefore met me in Caius at 18:30.

We proceeded to the JCR, which was empty, except for ^Chris Field^ (MA), who happened to be in there at the time. James Nicholas Uffindell stood at one end of the room, and Michael Donaghy at the other. They were armed with one rubber band gun each, and as many bands as they could carry.

At the word "Go!", there was a burst of fire from both Assassins, and James Nicholas Uffindell dived behind a sofa to reload. Michael Donaghy had lost one of his legs in this first volley, and shortly afterwards he lost his other one.

There was then a protacted exchange of fire, with James Nicholas Uffindell hiding next to a sofa, and Michael Donaghy kneeling in the middle of the room.

After some time, Michael Donaghy hit James Nicholas Uffindell's knee, and then very nearly hit him in the chest with several shots, missing by an inch or so. However, James Nicholas Uffindell then leaned over the sofa, and emptied his RBG, hitting Michael Donaghy square in the chest.

Peppy Hare reports:

It was a plot, I tell you!

^.^;;<|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||> reports:

You sunk my battleship!

[18:45 ] PCs Please find me a witch doctor and Jellybaby removed the inco Morgan Lewis Sobokta (Morgasm)
Please find me a witch doctor reports:

So die those who bring the name of the college into disrepute. Fitz people are lazy about work, not fun activities, dammit!

[19:20 ] Lurtz took out the inco Kanika Saigal (Long) with help from The Duke
Lurtz reports:

Battle! The raging hordes of Uruk-Hai and our ally known as The Duke slew one of the nine and pursued two of the halflings, both of whom escaped through some fiendish elven sorcery. They will not get far.

The Duke reports:

The Duke pondered his choice of allies as he slipped along unseen through the undergrowth. These creatures were far too bulky and loud for subtle kills. Still, they offered a good distraction.

The group rounded a corner and saw, scurrying their way, a small, nervous-looking person. The warrior-kin bellowed at the sight and charged forwards, screaming foul murder. Swiftly and carefully, the Duke dashed his way round to the back of their prey to cut off its escape. He was diving out, blades flashing in the moonlight, as he noticed that the body his knives were plunging into was already dead, penetrated by the shafts of many heathen arrows.

[19:30 ] Jack Ruby finished his dinner, and then stabbed Lia Chappell (The Wanderer) while she was preparing hers

[20:00 ] Lady Mustapha Ponyweather tried to get rid of Morgan Lewis Sobokta, who was already dead

Tuesday, 24 October

[08:30 ] The Selig lurked for The Masked Moose
The Selig reports:

Intent on not becoming incompetent, I made my way to [college] this morning at 8:30, where I sat 'reading' the paper, awaiting the appearance of my mark.

After about 5 minutes I'd read all the cartoons and the main story, broken my pencil trying to do the sudoku and it had started raining. No sign of mark.

Ten minutes later- 8:45, it felt like I had been there forever. Paper had dissolved in the rain, so had my spirit. But I kept on.

8.59 - mark obviously doesn't have an early morning lecture on tuesday...bother. Try and rush to my lecture- I don't know about nine million bicycles in Beijing but there appears to be an infinite amount in Cambridge, it took me a good few minutes to cross a road (although I did witness I very funny crash). Arrived at lecture late (had to sit on the floor) and without any success.

Of course it stopped raining as soon as I was inside....damn

The Selig

[10:00 ] Kashi Gorton (Flash), Flash, I love you, but we only have 5 mins to get shot by PC Please find me a witch doctor
Please find me a witch doctor reports:

Incos who leave their doors open are nice easy kills :)

[13:00 ] The Duke stabbed Her Majesty, The Queen of Sheba, defender of the faith, destroyer of souls, and raccoons' bane, but she was already dead
The Duke reports:

Skulking in the shadows near the Hall, the Duke casually flipped his blades, whirling and spinning them with unerring precision. He watched the crowds pass by, chatting away like cicadas in the Tuscan hills, through the hinges of the door he was using as his hideout.

Suddenly, there she was. A deadly maiden, her face impassive and seemingly lost in thoughts. He leaped, struck, and vanished with the speed of an arrow. Turning, he noticed that her expression had not changed. She carried on walking, disinterested in her wound, which he noticed was not bleeding. Whatever this foul magic, the Duke wanted nothing to do with it. He left hurriedly to seek his next victim.

[15:55 ] The Masked Moose burst into Chris Longworth (Quigley)'s office, and shot him

[17:00 ] The Marmite Monster looked for the various incos in Christ's College
The Marmite Monster reports:

Yesterday I lurked for about an hour in and around Christ's, but failed to actually kill anyone.

[17:30 ] A customer announcement from Your friendly Sainsbury's employee
Your friendly Sainsbury's employee reports:


Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. This is a customer announcement.

For a limited time only we have a special offer on our delicatessen - "Kill one Inco, Get one free". Hurry now, as this fanastic deal is subject to very limited availability.

Thank you for shopping at Sainsbury's

[19:30 ] SWAT Raid!
768, the number of the beast, well for 'beast' read 'Des Lynam' or something. I dunno, call the Police! reports:

We visited Christ's with not much success, Please find me a witch doctor attempted to gain valuable secret info about the college but alas failed and we left empty handed. In Johns, I killed Michael John Turner (sneck lifter) (if my memory serves), I knocked on his door... he opened it and I stepped in and bang-killed him.

Later we visited King's and after much cat and mouse games with innocents we found out that none of them were infact the incos... although we heard someone singing, "It's the peach show!"... how bizarre!

Then we went to harvey court and fought the dirty wanted (who was quite a nice chap) and Please find me a witch doctor managed to kill him after Shadowlord wounded his leg and arm a little... I missed him :(

Then, at 5 West Road, Michael Patrick Wallace incorrectly identified a girl as the inco Helen Rutherford (larry the llama)... and inconvenienced her, after he finished that, we went in and Michael Patrick Wallace finished off the real thing. (game!). But the inco one had such a lovely dreamy irish accent, awwwww.... i wondered if she was from waterford initially... but then i realised it wasn't quite as southern as I first thought, so I guess Craigavon secondly... it is such a dreamy voice though :)

Then we went to the pub... so the swat raid was very very successful. :D

Michael Patrick Wallace reports:

Wow, what a raid - pub at either end and some kills along the way. First off we headed to Christ's, where we didn't find anyone, except a man in a towel who claimed he wasn't one of the incos - hmmm... Then off to John's, where Captain Charisma, Stephen McCann, lamely stole my kill when he didn't follow the plan of "you knock, get shot, and then I'll shoot the inco" - this may or may not have had anything to do with me not telling him the plan, but still...

Our merry band then headed over to King's, where we tried the tactic of asking a group of people if they knew who one of the incos was. Some very suspicious actions followed, and I think we got laughed at. We followed lots of people, saw various suspicious people, confused many more, and generally failed a bit. But never mind - we were super subtle, so they may not remember us again...maybe...

After King's we had a look at Memorial Court, and once again seemed to arouse suspicion - the target seemed out anyway, so we moved on quickly to Caius. First the wanted - zomg! his window/balcony/door thing is open! Shame none of us can climb (except the Umpire, or so he claimed...) - we super sneakily followed someone in, and after some commotion Jacob Samuel Corteen managed to get him, although he put up a bit of a fight (or at least so it seemed, I tactically retreated to watch from the outside, lest I risk putting myself in Any Danger Whatsoever).

Finally we nipped over to the new Harvey Court (Harvey Court 2? The Snake building? The Big Glass Thing on West Road? who knows), where we once again stood around looking suspicious, before a girl emerged, who Mr. Stephen McCann claimed to be 85% certain was the target. So we sneak, I say her name, she turns around, and I say 'bang'. Except she's not Helen Rutherford, oh no. I should perhaps have remembered Steve telling Jacob Samuel Corteen that someone was the target, when it wasn't, maybe I should have wondered why Steve wasn't doing the killing himself, but no, silly me, I thought 85% was good. Whoops. And right in front of the Umpire too...

So then, we got into the building anyway, and crept around, generally getting lost, but finding the target's room nonetheless. I try to push it open - curses, she's a clever one. I knock, the door opens, I shoot - and thankfully have killed the right person this time. I did not want the police after me, my life is already terrifying enough.

So yes, hurrah for SWAT raids, and hurrah for people who open their doors when you knock (she seemed quite glad to have died though, so that possibly explains it...).

We then went to a pub and played $unspecified_card_game (don't want to be giving away too much now, do I?), which was nice. Then we went home.

(so, for future reference, long detailed reports from me are *really* boring...)

Shadowlord reports:

Dammit I didn't get a single kill! Shot the wanted in the leg, but PC Please find me a witch doctor got there first. Least I learned never to trust the Chief of Police. He has no idea who the targets are. Michael Patrick Wallace found this out too late and bang killed an innocent. I still reckon it'd be more fun if he had to kill more than one to be redeemed. Not fair but fun. Oh well, there's still a huge list of incos.

Please find me a witch doctor reports:

Comedy SWAT raids ftw :)

Kyramud hodayc (or just Kyramud for short) reports:

A most successful police raid today, with several incos now dead; along with an innocent, thanks to the shooting skills of Michael Patrick Wallace and the expert guidance of the Chief of Police. She didn't seem to mind too much though.

Wrecker_among_Meat_Benches reports:

I am speaking to you all from beyond the grave...look on my works ye mighty and despair. I would like to apologise for the arrogant remarks I have made concerning the police force- they have just proved that they are thouroughly good shots. It was a straightforward affair of them knocking at the door, me readying my nerf gun, me opening the door, them mowing me down when my gun misfired. Oh I regret the ketchup on the door handle now! I have learned my lesson...anyway, that's my Marley to your Scrooges...congrats to my killers, E.T.

For shooting an innocent, Michael Patrick Wallace was made wanted, but he redeemed himself shortly thereafter by shooting Helen Rutherford.
The Umpires would like to make it clear that redemption conditions are not likely to stay this lenient, now that the game has been going for a couple of weeks...

[20:30 ] Code Monkey tried Old Bull Lee's door
Code Monkey reports:

Code Monkey knocked on Old Bull Lee's door but he wasn't in.

[21:00 ] Abhorsen and caspase looked for The Process of Putrification has already begun.... and shot Tinkyhippo (who was already dead)

Wednesday, 25 October

[12:30 ] Justin Case tried to find Wrecker_among_Meat_Benches

[16:25 ] PC Edward Burgess (Trillian) tried to kill the inco Kenneith HY Yong, but got shot instead

The Umpire notes:

There is nothing wrong with killing a Police officer if he/she is attacking you. However, you will not usually be given Competence for an attempt you make while in an out-of-bounds area or from the comfort of your room, unless you manage to kill a live Assassin (not a live member of the Police force).

[23:00 ] Someone posted some more bounties, and donated chocolate to the needy

Captain Chocoholixxs-Anonymous reports:

Captain Chocoholixxs-Anonymous has been out feeding the police force entirely unpoisoned chocolates. Furthermore, all Girtonian and Homertonian incos now have chocolate bounties placed on their heads.

The Umpire would remind players that bounties etc., etc., but incompetent players are licit targets for all, so shoot away :)

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