Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 2 News

Thursday, 18 October

[09:00 AM] The dastardly and foolish Jonathan Holmes is brought down by Prince of Darkness and Eden
Eden reports:

At 0900 hours this morning, as i headed, innocently, down Madingley Road who did i spy carrying a weapon, but Jonathan Holmes... now as a police man i knew i could do little, until all of a sudden he pointed it at me. In a frenzy i sought out a knife and managed to stab his arm as he shot one of mine. (I know it was my arm, my hoodie got wet) Luckily for me, a fellow assasin was on hand (Prince of Darkness) who, whilst also under attack for no reason i hasten to add, stabbed the corrupt officer in the chest. Thus we left Madingley road knowing that there was one less officer on the street...

Prince of Darkness reports:

It was a cold, misty morning, i was on my way to lectures with the my group of trusty, loyal allies and friends. It's been hard times recently with rumors of ghastly kills and murders, not to mention those damming impossible lectures. A shiver runs up my spine with just the thought.
0900 came and past, all was quiet and it seems we got away from dieing this time, when suddenly out of nowhere, a madman covered in a pure black cloak, drew a gun and pointed it right in my face. The suddenness of which startled me but fortunately my long term ally Eden drew a knife cunningly concealed where even I don't know, and stabbed the madman in the weapon arm neutralizing it. The grace and beauty of which, almost entranced me and sent me to my doom. My senses jolted and i drew my trusty knife and stabbed him frenziedly in the chest killing him outright, with plenty of blood of course. He dropped to the ground with a deathly hollow THUD. I bent over and uncovered his face to reveal Jonathan Holmes.
'I thought Jonathan Holmes was dead' spoke Eden in a whisper 'Obviously not' I replied with a pause, 'he is now though,' as I throw the clock over his face.
As we walked away from the dead body sprawled aimlessly on the ground, towards those incomprehensible lectures. We wished it was us that were dead.

Jonathan Holmes reports:

I was walking down Madingley Road yesterday when I spied the Prince of Darkness, who, apart from being a known assassin with a creepy pseudonym, proceeded to look at me funny. Taking this as proof of his villainy, I shot him in the chest with my trusty revolver. However, I did not realize that said assassin was not yet a legitimate target by the ruling of the Umpire until 1600 that day, and therefore he was saved from certain doom by the intervention of Umpiric forces. At that point, I observed Eden fumbling about in her bag for the knife I knew it to contain, and spun around to face my new foe. Unfortunately, I fired too hastily and only hit her left arm as her knife plunged in to my right shoulder, rendering my weapon useless. A moment later, the Prince of Darkness, miraculously recovered, drove his own blade into my heart. And so it was that I left this mortal coil. Never again will I consume another deliciously fluffy doughnut. Never will the taste of Bavarian cream or sugary glaze bring joy to my heart, and I will never have the opportunity to shoot yet another assassin who turns out to be already dead, or, say, not an assassin. I have been condemned to a miserable post-existence, which appears to include something called cosets, whatever those are, in addition to partial derivatives and other such mysteries meant for minds built for more than the occasional unjustified firefight or the simple joy of that wonderful fried bready sugary taste I can just barely remember, which I tasted such a short time ago and yet so far away, and which is lost to me forever, its memory torturing my pitiful soul. Have I truly done something so terrible as to deserve such a fate? The judgment of the gods is harsh indeed.

[13:00 PM] Fran Bailey (The Duke of Westminster) retires

[13:16 PM] Phatthing (Philip Bao) cruelly attacks and dismembers his supposed friend Migraine Dildo, and leaves him for dead (but he lives!)
Migraine Dildo reports:

Just this morning, Philip Bao had sworn not to kill me, and even bore The Lord's name. As we were walking through King's College today, he made an uprovoced attack using his dagger. He first removed my arms and retreated. I pulled out my knife using my teeth and tried to intercept him. Quite slickly, he then stabbed my right leg. My attempts of chasing him while hopping were not successful. He stabbed my last remaining limb, and left me to bleed to death on a bridge over the river Cam.

The Umpire notes that a miraculous Light did shine from the Heavens and did heal his Wounds and leave him whole once more.

Phatthing reports:

This afternoon at about 1.15 I accidentally poked my friend- *Nimrod* Gileadi with a dagger in the arm. Unfortunately he became very aggressive and so I had to remove his other arm. After this he then proceeded to get his own sword out using his teeth alone and started to chase after me. This forced me into desperate action but as i am a kind soul i didn't want to kill him but had to take out one of his legs due to self defence. He proceeded to hop after me and so again i was forced to take out his other leg. Nimrod had also previously told me that he was going to be an incompetent and also had just killed an innocent yesterday!
Ps I didn't actually finish Nimrod off with a stab to either the chest or the head! so technically he is still alive with the movement of his chest na dhead alone!!!!!!!!


[13:24 PM] William Brooks brings rough justice to James Brister (Peter Davidson) and Joshua Waters (Clive)
Peter Davidson reports:

Whilst working peacefully in my room there was a knock at the door. I opened the door to this apparently unarmed visitor only to have him pull a small rubber band gun from his pocket - my reactions were fast, drawing a knife from my jacket and thrusting it forwards, but not as fast as his mouth ans he managed to get out a 'bang' before my blade struck. I now find myself Colin Baker....

[14:00 PM] Ben Ravenhill brings down Emma Blythe (Krusher)

[15:28 PM] David Molony (Dave the Chef) withdraws from the game, as does Sam Hunter Gordon (Powerslave)

Mr David Molony has requested to be withdrawn from the game due to a neighbour complaining to her porters about assassin activity. Would all players therefore please avoid shifty behaviour around A12 Boulton house, Wychfield site (Next door to fitz) and the Wychfield site/Tit Hall in general? Thank you. Umpire
Mr Sam Gordon has likewise left the game, as a neighbour of Mr Molony.

[16:00 PM] David Anthony Read betrays Sophie Agrotis (Sophedelica)
David Anthony Read reports:

Sophie Agrotis was walking back from her tiring lecture not realising her beloved friend she was chatting to had a knife in his hand hidden away just waiting for her to come near.
In other words she's dead

[16:39 PM] Havelock Vetinari proves the Ankh-Mopork Guild is still a force to be reckoned with, at the expense of Alex Lynes (mark preston) and alexander edwin roberts (alema)

[16:55 PM] the Crab of Ineffable Wisdom finds a Wannabe Tramp (Ryan Hamlet) and punishes it for begging... with a short, sharp shock
the Crab of Ineffable Wisdom reports:

Upon seeing a Mr. Ryan Hamlet in the incompetence list, I decided he would be an easy kill, since I know him and therefore it would not be terribly suspicious of me to pop over and visit him. There was but one problem: could I kill my own son? Was I that desperate to rid myself of my own incompetence? Apparently yes. However despite his so-called incompetence he still had his wits about him and saw through my cunning plot. Unfortunately for him he forgot to lock his door so I just walked in and shot him.
Encouraged by my vile murder, I then took it upon myself to eliminate the remaining incompetent Churchillian (myself excluded). Given my previous target's lax security, I opted for the bold strategy of simply bursting through Mr. kaifei yu's door and opening fire. No such luck. The door was locked and so I swiftly aborted and headed towards the Anchor to join in IncoBash. Sadly I turned up an hour late and everyone was gone.

[17:00 PM] INCOBASH! Ben's team report - visits to Jenny Molloy and Tristan Kalloniatis did not pay off, a visit to Robert Desmond (Jackie Chan) did, but Robert Bell put up a fight, killing Ben Q. Weaver and an accomplice before William Brooks took him down

[17:04 PM] INCOBASH! - Steven's team does some serious killing - Christina Woodger (Goblin), Stefan Liberadzki (The Grey Blur) and Tomas Thembinkosi Rodriguez Perez (Entreline) all slain, and several others visited or helped to die humanely...

Steven Shenton's team, consisting of Laurence Watson, David Williams, Alasdair Pearce and the Umpire, set off towards Pembroke, not realising that both the Pembroke incos were in silly places. They moved on to Downing, entering both inco's houses through friendly (and foolish) neighbours. Stefan Liberadzki was unfortunate enough to be leaving his room as the team arrived, and Steven Shenton mercilessly and swiftly shot him down.
The team next moved on to Steven Shenton's home turf, where the first inco visited turned out not to be in. The second, however, was there and answered the door to Laurence Watson, due to a lucky coincidence (a friend also called Laurence!) but realised in time that he was about to be killed and shut his door, blocking the incoming shots. We all then went around the building to his windows, of which the top-most tiny one was open. Mr Steven Shenton proceeded to climb up to it, squeeze through the gap, open the bigger windows and then search the room for Tomas Thembinkosi Rodriguez Perez, who was hiding and attempting to carve 'knife' in a baguette. He also protested (between laughs) that we couldn't come in the window, to which I replied 'actually, I'm the Umpire, and yes he can'. Steven Shenton shot him, anyway, and he was very amused and invited us to dine (on crisps).
We next moved on to Christ's, where we found ourselves lost in a strange maze of corridors and floors, leading through infinite possibilities and past very odd numbering, before we reached Christina Woodger's door. There we let David Williams brave the girl within, who could be clearly heard drying her hair and opened her door happily, only to be shot and grinned at.
Our other attempts in Christ's went amiss, so we moved on to Jesus and found all the incos there dead, except one which we helped with killing.

[18:50 PM] INCOBASH! Jake's team (Jacob (Jake) Samuel Corteen, Robin Message and two freshers) head to John Barrett (the Crab of Ineffable Wisdom)'s place and kill him, but then Robin Message (A mysteriously black cat) falls before the mighty jimlass
the Crab of Ineffable Wisdom reports:

I heard an all too familiar creaking from without my door. Peering forth from my peephole I spied a gang of villainous rogues crowding around the stairwell wielding all manner of rubber band guns and water pistols, doubtless intent on my death.
Silently, paitently, I waited for them to either approach closer that they might fall before my own weapon or give up and leave that I might pursue them, until eventually Crazy Tony's shambling zombie corpse blew their cover and forced them to retreat. Seizing the opportunity, I followed them to the entrance to my staircase where I fired a few shots around the corner as their backs were turned. Unfortunately I missed and a stand-off was initiated, which culminated in my demise due to a tactical error.

A mysteriously black cat reports:

Alas, alack, I am slaughtered, without even a kill to my name. Should have left the incobash and gone for dinner earlier. Irritatingly, I knew where the danger was, but knowledge was too weak to protect me.

Jacob (Jake) Samuel Corteen reports:

I like incobashing :)

jimlass reports:

One of the attackers tried to open my door, but it was locked, then they went downstairs, i went onto my balcony, Robin Message opened a door onto the walkway below, and hid behind it, but not well enough to avoid my shots. Jacob (Jake) Samuel Corteen left without me being able to shoot him.

[19:01 PM] The Colonel goes to war. The HQs of Maria Kennedy (Andrew Baker) and Richard Whittle (Jane Ellis) taken, and victoria stevens's corpse is used for target practice
The Colonel reports:

Smokin'. 3 times in 1 day The Colonel shot down his incompetent enemies (he had a little help with the last though), only to discover that one of them was in fact already dead with a letter containing every poison under the sun.

[19:05 PM] David Anthony Read devours a Micky D's Triple Cheeseburger (Luke Regan)

[19:34 PM] William Brooks uses his small gun to kill Robert Desmond (Jackie Chan)

[19:35 PM] The NWA turn on themselves... Dr Dre takes out Ice Cube (Daniel Greene)
MC REN reports:

Yo, beeatch

[19:35 PM] Jayaveni Chedumbarum Pillay rubs herself all over with oliveoil (Sophia Grant Lyon Fellowes)

[20:03 PM] INCOBASH! Steve's team part two - Steven Shenton objects to Mr. Pink (Maxwell Joseph Gray)'s civil partnership. He also pecks at the corpse of Daniel Greene

[20:30 PM] INCOBASH! - the mysterious fourth team (Philip Bielby and Simeon P. Bird B.A. Hons. (Cantab.)) goto town for some shopping, and come back with the bodies of Chun sui Kwok (CSK), Jenny Molloy (Osiris Abelmosk) and Holly Osborne (Trinity)
CSK reports:

Three of the police came to my room and after a long while I decided to open the door and use a spear and throw a knife. Then I got shot several times.

[23:20 PM] Adam Guterres turns on the great historical cliches Catherine the Great (Alexander James Glasner) and The Chocaholic Viking (KAROLINA Saar)

Friday, 19 October

[00:00 AM] Pac-Man (Alexander Atkins) reaches the Game Over screen
Pac-Man reports:

Game Over

[00:01 AM] A mysterious force draws *Nimrod* Gileadi (Migraine Dildo)'s spirit from his body

A strange Cloud of Gas was reported to seize Nimrod in the Street and drag him to the Floor, kicking and screaming. Soon he lay still. May his Soul rest.

[10:00 AM] BAcon's cipheR iS AN excElLEnT wAy To hIde a MesSaGe iN A mesSAge lol gets off his arse (for a little bit)
BAcon's cipheR iS AN excElLEnT wAy To hIde a MesSaGe iN A mesSAge lol reports:

Lurked New Museums Site lecture theatres this morning but didn't see anyone to kill. =(

[12:26 PM] The Colonel aims his cannons at the pig fortress, and hits James Moran
The Colonel reports:

My first chance to draw Pig blood legally! I carefuly entered his staircase and lo and behold his door was open. I went in, he was absorbed in his work, and I shot him ruthlessly in the back before he could turn around. Incompetents - 0, Colonel - 3.

[15:01 PM] The pigs (Eystein Patrick Thanisch) get it wrong YET AGAIN! At least this time they didn't shoot a fellow...
Eystein Patrick Thanisch reports:

After my unfortunate death a number of days ago and in light of my new life as a police officer, I decided to attempt to 'take down' my target who had bee ndclared incompetent (a Mr Robert Bell). I proceeded to his room and knocked at the door. Wonderfully, it opened and with a certain style, my college gown billowing behind me and fire in my eyes, I raised my gun and with a cry of 'In the name of the Law' shot the occupant in the forehead. It took only a few more minutes to wor out that this was not Robert Bell but a friend. Robert Bell was present but, as this few minutes had consisted of conversation- during which I had recognised his validity and sanctity as a human being (if a Johnian), I couldnt bring myself to kill him. I presume I am now corrupt...ulp...

[15:27 PM] Tom Wootten gives us some valuable advice...
Tom Wootten reports:

How to make a Max-D BOOM-thousand:

This is a simple way to seriously increase the power of the Max-D 2000 supersoaker.

You will need:

One Max-D 2000. Preferably malfunctioning already. It's possible other guns will work just as well if not better.
One Phillips screwdriver, of the correct size for the Max-Ds screws. Sellotape.


* Unscrew all the screws of the Max-D. Remove the handle from the pump.
* Open up the gun. There is an orange ring around the pump that is glued on. Just pull the two halves of the gun apart and the case should break fairly cleanly.
* Remove all the bits and pieces. You want the core parts of the gun - the reservoir, trigger valve, nozzle, and pump, which are all fixed together. Soon they will not be all fixed together.
* Slide the pump piston out of its barrel.
* Look at the innermost end. On my gun, it's brown. You should see a small, 2mm hole in the side, with a spring visible through it. This is the check valve, that allows excess air pressure to escape. You are going to prevent this. Increasing the pressure should make the gun more powerful.
* Sellotape over the hole. Wrap the tape around a few times to be sure.
* Reinsert the pump piston.
* Fill the gun with water.
* Start pumping. You want to pump until it gets difficult. It may be easiest to point the nozzle towards yourself (though I didn't).
* However, it doesn't get difficult. Keep pumping, and eventually...


The trigger valve and nozzle should blow off the reservoir, resulting in a spectacular blink-and-you'll-miss-it explosion of air and water. Maybe it will blow up somewhere else instead.

Congratulations: You have now made and fired your Max-D BOOM-thousand! And your armoury is decreased by one - if the gun wasn't broken before, it is now. Hopefully you've learnt that attempting to 'improve' weapons can backfire. Spectacularly.

PS: I suggest you don't do it in front of your laptop like I did.

[17:44 PM] Dan Craik is most underimpressed with the letter he received
Dan Craik reports:

Upon checking my mail I saw a suspicious powder lining the pigeon-hole. Luckily I had previously mentioned gloves on hand and dissected the suspicious envelope with a couple of handy KIFEs.
Note to my assailant: As a rule I am suspicious of any envelope received through any internal mailing service especially ones with white powder seeping through the envelope when I haven't sent off for any free flour recently. Congratulations on your choice of card however as the flour would have been well disguised. Also the best way to kill me is to run around my court firing a weapon into the air so I advise you to try this.

[17:58 PM] Black Mamba snaps at her victims, and manages to nibble Sabri Al-Safi (MC REN). The Duke of Cambridge is too cautious, however.
The Duke of Cambridge reports:

Upon visitng my pidgeon hole, I noticed a suspicious brown letter inside. I was not expecting any post that day, but the letter was indeed addressed to me. Looking round, I saw similar letters in a few of the other pidgeon holes. Maybe we had all been chosen for something? Still, I had kept my wits about me (we've all heard the stories of those vile assassins), and examined the letter closely. A small white powder seemed to be leaking out the side. I carefully carried the letter back to my room for further inspection. More of the white powder was inside. I safely disposed of the poison, inside there was a letter, signed Kathryn Hosking (Kate). A felt a sudden chill run down my spine as I realised what could have been.

MC REN reports:

MC REN out yo, got anthrax'd by Black Mamba. Yellow-belly biatch better face me down when I'm with mah homes, because as a person of Afro-Caribbean descent I am hugely insecure about my social standing and am only willing to confront risky tasks in the presence of several of my physically brawny companions.
Death... like a yo, yo

Disclaimer (an actual one, not the assassin of that name) - the Guild does not uphold the views/prejudices of its members...

[21:42 PM] William Brooks decides to test the ruleset for loopholes...

It is my understanding that Mr William Brooks asked Mr Laurence Watson to show him his gun, and then proceeded to shoot him, believing this was allowed. In fact, as I pointed out to him, the rules are quite clear on this point:
As Police, you cannot kill an Assassin who is not on the Wanted or Incompetence Lists unless they are making an obvious and direct attempt on your life, in which case you are permitted to defend yourself.
For pure comedy value, Mr William Brooks is now corrupt.

[22:41 PM] The Ankh-Mopork Patrician and Guild member (Havelock Vetinari (Alasdair Pearce)) is shown the power of our Guild by William Brooks

[22:49 PM] Michael Conterio (Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden)'s magick suffices not to save him from the cold, hard lead of Philip Bielby's gun

Saturday, 20 October

[01:00 AM] EF wars! Lord VaeL (Carmelo Medina) brought down by fruitymyL
fruitymyL reports:

Having seen the name of my fellow on the incompetent list, I immediatly came up with a mischevious scheme to put an end to his sad and murderless life. Being on the incompetent list, something I am halas not proud of, I was also in perpetual danger, and this had to be quick. On Saturday night, I went hence where the target lived with comrades of mine, and entered the house with an absurd ease - still upstairs, the target had no idea of the betrayal of his housemates, who had just let a murderer in. Sneaking in one of the rooms, I quickly managed to find there a suitable weapon, in the shape of a gun-labelled hair-dryer. Hidden behind a wall, I just had to wait for the naive Carmelo to come downstairs to accomplish my evil deed... Things were made easier by my comrade who called him. Hurried steps in the stairs. Bang. Carmelo Medina was no more.

[02:00 AM] The Duke of Cambridge shoots a dirty peasant on his land, jimlass (Rich Miller)
The Duke of Cambridge reports:

In a night of much merriment, one learns many new names. However, one name in particular I knew I had heard before. It was none other than Rich Miller, the infamous assassin, who's own kind had turned against him only a couple of days earlier. The harsh reality of the world around me had taught me, I had to earn the respect of these assassins for them to let me live. To allow me to survive. I knew what had to be done. My heart was racing. I reluctantly drew my weapon. 'Bang!'
Silence filled the street as I contemplated what had happened. I knew I had done what I had to. What I should. But I couldn't help but wonder how. How did we get to this point?

[13:15 PM] Mr X. wonders Y Zhi Qi Soh (Acedub) - and makes an omega of him

[14:00 PM] Disclaimer - walks in the city centre can be fatal, as Scott Kathrein (The Black Plague) discovered, and Jonah Hugh Logan Ellis Hugh's body was battered a little.
Disclaimer reports:

The midday sun rises above the cold aurora of the city center. Through the thin streets wanders a silent marauder, a renegade shadow with an aim to kill. He steps off the street next to the abode of Scott Kathrein and drops an indescript letter inside, and then melts into the crowd.
His appointments done, Disclaimer wanders back to his target's abode. He has one singular idea in mind - to confirm his kill. Buzzing the door, he eloquently convinces a flatmate to let him in and introduce him to his target. As he descends the stairs, Disclaimer draws a cleverly disguised banana gun and shoots the victim in the chest, splattering blood on the walls and sending the cartridge bouncing across the hallway. As the corpse hits the ground, the assassin can already smell the effects of Peruvian Rabies. He has killed a dead man, but at least now he is sure.

[17:30 PM] Space monkey revolutions continue! William Brooks brings down the corrupt Simeon P. Bird B.A. Hons. (Cantab.)
William Brooks reports:

Being the good space monkey that i am, I have ended Simeon 'Bad monkey' Bird's reign of terror, proving myself to be an uncorrupted officer...

[19:08 PM] Xenoturbella dragged Arun Jack Dhanraj to his lazy grave

[19:10 PM] Jacob (Jake) Samuel Corteen puts a clamp on Sunil Shah (DeathOnWheels)
Jacob (Jake) Samuel Corteen reports:

May as well keep my college clean :)

[22:25 PM] Ben Q. Weaver deals with the corrupt Philip Bielby
Ben Q. Weaver reports:

Everything has an effect on everything else around it. It is not easy to trace one line through the pattern of infinity, but in this case, I have.

Sunday, 21 October

[14:27 PM] Timothy Bazalgette deals with his college's inco Thomas Bramall (Andrea Terrano)
Timothy Bazalgette reports:

I, Timothy Bazalgette, apprehended the incompetent Thomas Bramall with a knife to his chest after he made the mistake of opening the door to my accomplice.

[16:32 PM] David Anthony Read and Luke Regan wander down to Homerton, find Emma Katherine Wallace (The Duke of Monmouth) and eat Pete Chareonwongsak (Digestive_Cookie)

[20:42 PM] In-fighting in the NWA continues! Dr Dre pops Jack Lamplugh (Eazy E)'s ass - or something
Dr Dre reports:

Yo bia*ches, that Mo'f***er Eazy E got up in my face one time too many so I p*pped h*s bl*ck *ss. Th*s is the w*rd of Dre. *** * ***** **a ***ing **g ***k* ar***. **i*** * ** ****

Monday, 22 October

[00:00 AM] Lucas Perez Trujillo (Revolta) suffers-a revolta at the hands-a of David Peter Ross Garner
David Peter Ross Garner reports:

It is my duty to inform you that this very evening, on the twelth stroke of midnight, the incompetent Lucas Perez Trujillo was stabbed in the back by myself in a dark alley within (censored college). I hope that this would herald the beginning of a killing-spree.

[09:15 AM] Aquarius fills the waters of the rivers of David Peter Ross Garner's afterlife
David Peter Ross Garner reports:

This morning, when exiting the breakfast hall, I was viciously stabbed in the back by (censored). The whole experience has traumatised me and makes me unwilling to wake up in time for breakfast in the future.

[11:06 AM] Michael Conterio attacks Rahul Nandkishore (Rahul) and kills him... but dies as well.

[11:11 AM] Nicholas Andrew Donnelly decides to take the law into his own hands, but Disclaimer - attacks can go wrong

[12:03 PM] Xenoturbella brought death to Joel Tay ... again...

[16:13 PM] John Lapinskas (The Angry Mathmo) got a whole lot angrier when brought to justice by David Anthony Read
David Anthony Read reports:

Watching John Lapinskas as the lecture ended I stealthily followed him outside as he chatted to his mate no noticing me his blood brother in disguise. Approaching him I quickly pulled my knife and thrust it into his chest. He then turned around and started quoting that my weapon didn't look like a knife. I showed him my knife even showing it had a label with knife written on it. To which he said oh and I then stabbed him a few more times for good measure. He still didn't realise my identity which I then revealed to him as I departed leaving him to die honourably.

[17:14 PM] click and The Bells of Hell (Elizabeth Luzie Schlappa) ring
click reports:

The assassins are the elite! Those who fail in their duties don't deserve the honorable title of assassin. And so click took it upon himself to hunt down the underserving. After visiting many and being met with silent, locked doors, he finally came upon a young lady in Queens, who was not cautious enough when opening her door. She looked so sweet he was almost sorry, but deep down he knew she deserved the clicks of the band gun that brought about her demise.

[18:00 PM] Bodysnatcher tries to make away with Lucas Perez Trujillo's corpse, but the grave is dug well

[19:00 PM] Alicia Danks pulled the toilet chain and Flushed away ANNABEL BANKS (Flush)
Alicia Danks reports:

Having negotiated the fiendishly complicated doorbell system at Lucy Cavendish, I was let in by a friendly inhabitant after cunningly pretending to have a packet of Jaffa Cakes to give the victim. When Ms ANNABEL BANKS opened her door I incapacitated her using said Jaffa Cakes and proceeded to shoot her. She seemed to think that the Jaffa Cakes were a fair exchange for her life, so everyone was happy.

Tuesday, 23 October

[12:19 PM] Jacob (Jake) Samuel Corteen makes pumpkin juice with Tom Wootten (Punkin' Chunkin')
Jacob (Jake) Samuel Corteen reports:

Yes, I am still alive. No, I'm not police. Yes, this does mean I can shoot you. In fact, I just did.

Punkin' Chunkin' reports:

Pumpkin pie all over the common room...what a mess!

[15:22 PM] Nogbad the Bad scares little Tristan Kalloniatis (William the Girl)
Nogbad the Bad reports:

Tristan Kalloniatis is dead.
I had only just found his room when his door opened, revealing his surprised face. I had my RBG in hand, so pulled the trigger, thinking to claim an easy kill. Seemingly, he thought this as well, but then the bloody thing jammed, causing us both to beat a hasty retreat. I pulled out my trusty dagger, and waited...
Presently, his door opened again, this time for a grenade to come out. This only added to my arsenal, and when he came out to have another go, his weapon was returned through the door to blow him to bits. Could have been easier...

[22:03 PM] Alice Band goes to wonderland (a.k.a. John's) and finds Rachel Filar/Ray (Barbara Anne) with the help of Denizhan Erkan
Alice Band reports:

Alice was getting ready to go out when a movement behind her caused her to turn around. 'Oh!' said Alice (in a very English accent), 'it's the White Rabbit!' 'I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date!' said the White Rabbit. 'Me too!' exclaimed Alice. 'We can go together' she said. At 10pm precisely, Alice and the White Rabbit fell through the rabbit hole and ended up in John's. With a quickening heartbeat, Alice realised that she was in the vicinity of the abode of one of her targets Rachel Filar/Ray, and what's more, she had found a friend who she knew was also a friend of the target. HER LUCK WAS IN!!! Under the pretence of going to talk to the target about guitars, the friend took Alice to the target's room and introduced them to her. Upon hearing the target's name, the White Rabbit became enraged and flung himself at the target, infecting them with Rabies and Myximatosis before violently savaging them to death and giving them fleas for good measure.

Wednesday, 24 October

[09:30 AM] Eden comes even for the evil kaifei yu (Prince of Darkness)
Eden reports:

Alliances mean nothing. At 0930hrs a chill crept over me as i contemplated my incompetance status that would come about if i did not see off another assasin by tomorrow morning. Self preservation is all. I saw Mr. kaifei yu (Prince of Darkness) chatting idly, without a care in the world, just metres behind me. I dropped back a few steps and casually joined in the conversation. Unaware, he continued talking until i pulled out my pistol and shot him through the heart in one foul swoop. He fell to the street with anger in his eyes due to my betrayal; i just stepped over his corpse and continued on my way.

[12:30 PM] 'Stop' killed Tom Barfield (Shakey Pete)
'Stop' reports:


[18:13 PM] William Brooks goes on the beat with an old friend...
William Brooks reports:

Edd Burgess was not door answering
Orlando de Lange was out
Rachel Filar/Ray is in F9 Cripps Court (there is no F9 main) (she is also now dead - Umpire)
Hunter Williams is near to Churchill
Girton is too far away without a bike

Konrad K Dabrowski reports: I went hunting incompetents with William Brooks at 6ish today, but they were all lame and refused to even open their doors and say hi.

[21:00 PM] A 12-gun-salute bids farewell to Matt Green (The Colonel AKA Bodysnatcher) as Anna Louise Kalorkoti is set to test her luck against the Police
The Colonel reports:

The Colonel stabbed in the back (literally) by fiersome traitor Anna Louise Kalorkoti. Full army memorial service taking place at the end of the game.

Ephraim Smooth reports:

Upon the eve of October 24th, I found myself dining in Formal Hall at Jesus College. In the course of conversation it was revealed to the man across the table that I was an assassin, and I discovered that he was one likewise. Drawing him into conversation, I managed to extract from him the fact that his pseudonym was The Colonel, that he had made 6 kills - mainly of incompetents - and that he considered all incompetents living close to him (and most emphatically those in Jesus) to be his targets. He was also unwise enough - perhaps under the influence of cheap wine - to reveal that he was currently unarmed.
When I stood to depart from Hall, he did likewise, and as we walked outside the assassin-related conversation continued. Who exactly counted as an incompetent, and thus (if they were close) a target for him, I asked. Anyone on the incompetence list at the time, he replied. Since I myself was on the list at the time, this made me - by his own former admission - one of his targets. I revealed this fact to him and, as I concluded that if he was targeting me I was legally permitted to kill him in self-defence, plunged a knife into his back. He appeared to ignore this, so I stuck it between his ribs to make sure he had noticed his death. Thus ends the life of The Colonel.

[21:25 PM] Simeon P. Bird B.A. Hons. (Cantab.) and Ben Q. Weaver go for a walk... Edd Burgess (Emmanuel Goldstein) wishes they hadn't...
Ben Q. Weaver reports:

Dear Mr Umpire
This evening, Simeon P. Bird B.A. Hons. (Cantab.) (the late late Chief of Police) and I went to visit the naughty boys and girls of Pembroke and Kings.
At 21:55, Edd Burgess wasn't in.
At 22:03 and 22:06, benny talbot and Roman Sztyler also did a good impression of not being in. Possibly by not being in.
At 22:20, Edd Burgess was in the Pembroke Bar! Using an assassin's innate ability to blend in to crowds (even ones which consist entirely of drunk female freshers in formal-wear), we crept up on him unnoticed. When in range, I struck out, and left him dead, hippopoto-mauled on the floor, his pint left unsipped on the bar.
At 22:30 we went and lurked for Giles Reger, spending half an hour or so in his kitchen before getting bored and going home.
Warmest regards, Violet D'- Holoboon Weaver, and his pachydermal pal

[22:22 PM] Eystein Patrick Thanisch shares his musings with us...
Eystein Patrick Thanisch reports:

I have just had a most dramatic evening. Returning to my room after a very long day (36 hours long), I decided to lock and load the super-soaker and go out and hunt down the notorious miscreant, Philip Bao. What a surprise, therefore, when I met him on the stairs holding a pen with 'knife' written on it! Then the look of malice in his eye all became clear- I had tried to shoot him after hall today, only to find I had forgotten my gun. Anyway, flashback over, I started to fire jets of room temerature water at his fleeing figure, none of which had an effect. I pursued him out of the building into the courtyard, where I stumbled upon some unsuspecting guests from Oxford. While i explained the rules of our game to them, a friend thought it would be funny to restrain me with his umbrella from behind. Perturbed, I began to fire the gun off at random and probably killed some Oxonians. My friend and I then continued to pursue Phil to his room but found it heavily fortified and impenetrable without specialist siege equipment. Dagnabbit!

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