Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 2 News

Saturday, 23 October

[12:00 PM] Mike Octopus kills The White Eagle (Alexander (Alex) James Everard Palmer)

[15:00 PM] Ninja Yodeller shoots the ghost of Alexander (Alex) James Everard Palmer
Ninja Yodeller reports:

Whilst hunting, I met my target returning to his room just as I was attempting entry. After quickly confirming his identity, I promptly shot him, only to discover he was already riddled with bullet holes - Drat! I knew skipping that lecture in Necrosis Recognition would come back to haunt me.

[18:00 PM] Chris Hands (Bubble) gives out lessons to aspiring assassins, based on his own experiences with Dancing Shadow
Chris Hands reports:

* Don't knock on your targets door announcing that you are an assassin. * Don't later that night notice a guy who's probably your target talking about assassins, then believe that he's someone else and tell him you're trying to kill him. * Also don't tell him where you live for him to kill you the next day.

Black Shadow reports:

Further to Chris' advice, sitting talking to two people you suspect of targeting each other is especially funny when one then pulls out his phone to confirm it. Keeping a straight face while he then proceeds to tell his target where he lives is essential.

Dancing Shadow reports:

Just as the party finished Dancing Shadow was sitting with Black Shadow and some unknown, but strangely familiar looking guest and talking to Black Shadow about his past as the assassin. The guest seemed unusually interested in our conversation. He joined saying he is an assassin himself and that he attempted to kill one of his targets tonight. It could not be a coincidence! Dancing Shadow understood that is Chris, the Unknown. Being under strong alcoholic influence he was unable to struck down the assailant at the spot, but tricked him with a fake name. He also managed to get assassin's name (Chris Hands!) and address. As Chris Hands and Dancing Shadow parted it was certain that one of them is going to die soon.

Dancing Shadow reports:

Dancing Shadow prepared a perfect plan to get rid of the impending danger (Chris Hands). He asked The Muffin Man (former assassin who knew Chris Hands) for help. The Muffin Man would trick Chris Hands into leaving his lair and swift justice would be delivered. Everything went as planned. Chris Hands was lured out and Dancing Shadow killed him with enchanted weapon (casting spell "BANG!"). Dancing Shadow was safe... for now.

Sunday, 24 October

[14:00 PM] The INCOBASH starts!

[14:30 PM] Black Shadow is very helpful...
Black Shadow reports:

I happened upon a shifty character sitting outside [Location redacted]. I approached cautiously, hand safely hidden in my pockets. He told me he was there to kill Random Strategy but couldn't gain entrance. Being the kindly fellow I am, I let him in and then meandered on my way, content in the knowledge I had helped another poor youth in need.

[14:35 PM] Daniel Baker (Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way) and The Watermelon Man's duel doesn't go well. Not for Daniel Baker anyway...
Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way reports:

AN: Fangz 2 The Watermelon Man 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!


The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

I went to Hogsmeed village for the duel with The Watermelon Man. Suddenly an owl appeared carrying a letter. It read "Hi, sorry I'm late - I was out [UNSPECIFIED_ACTIVITY] and had to go home and get changed into something warmer. I'm in Hogesmeede now - the next time I see you I will kill you".

Suddenly, a wolf appeared and transformed into The Watermelon Man. He pointed his wand at me and said "AVIVA KEDABRE", then I died.

I went back to my coffin and slept forever.


The Watermelon Man reports:

Instead of challenging him on firepower against his super soaker, I decided to be devious and dressed in running gear pretended I was a jogger. While he got annoyed at my hide and seek I did a few laps of the park jogging past him to dispel any suspicion, before squirting him with my water bottle. Afterwards, I drank the rest to rehydrate myself from the running. Hooray for ready made disguises and weaponry!

[15:30 PM] INCOBASH! Christopher Powell has another announcement to make...
Malcolm Reynolds reports:

There's nothing very assassainy about having a group of 15 of you hiding outside a target's house with huge guns, allowing the target to spot you when they return to the house and then not be able to run fast enough to catch them. I thought this was supposed to be about surprise.

Assassins fail. All of you. Silly incobash.

[15:30 PM] INCOBASH! William Hayes (Badminton Bob) puts up a fight, but ultimately loses to the mighty KHAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

With about a dozen incobashers storming the hallways of St. Catz, this was never going to be fair. After pushing open the door with a tentative foot to remove a strategically placed anvil over the door (AKA a small Kenwood kettle box), a stand-off ensued in which the inco traded the darts of the Chief of Police's NERF Wildfire for his anvil, half the team wandered off in search of easier quarry and various objects were projected optimistically through the slightly open door, until a lucky shot from my NERF gun brought down William Hayes. Sadly, he did not howl my name in rage as he fell, but instead took it upon himself to insult my lack of pre-assassination kills. Fortunately, it takes more than that to hurt the feelings of the mighty KHAAAAAAAAAAAAN!.

Badminton Bob reports:

Sadly, having not managed to find the time to either make an attempt on one of my targets, or even go to the incobash, I was labled 'Incompetent'. I did however manage to construct a few defences and prepare a few weapons for the 2 or 3 people I expected to track me down. Imagine my horror when nearer 20 assasins came to my door and spotted my (clearly not so) subtly placed anvil above my door. In the resultant standoff, which lasted about 10 minutes, I believe I caused at the least some injuries, before finally being clipped by a nerf gun.

[16:30 PM] INCOBASH! Lieutenant Jean-Luc Picard brings down Fred Maynard (Tarquin)
Jean-Luc Picard reports:

A message had arrived at Starfleet Command that a terrifying presence had been discovered in the Churchill system. A crack team of was assembled and travelled to this distant part of the Gamma Quadrant.
The Churchill system consists of a large number of concrete-y planetoids orbiting a star that closely resembles a 60s hotel lobby. None of these have any sentient inhabitants but most support small populations of CompScis, Engineers, and other primitive life forms. A short range sensor scan revealed an anomaly on the outlying body designated Churchill 40E and we beamed down to the surface to find and eliminate this malign entity.
On entering the creature's lair we found it hiding behind walls of novels and scripts in an attempt to shield it from the CompScis swarming outside. These, however, proved no barrier to my phaser and the beast was dead in three well-aimed shots.

[17:30 PM] INCOBASH! David Chunyin Li (Davyboi) suffers Death! Undercover...

[17:30 PM] INCOBASH! The Contessa scares away the police!
The Contessa reports:

At approx 5:30pm today, the group of "competent" assassins came to [UNSPECIFIED] in an attempt to assassinate The Contessa. They executed a clever and successful back-door assault on an innocent. She suffered a confusing and panic-stricken death. One brave soul of the large group did make a successful entry into The Contessa's room. However, upon seeing her, he immediately apologized for his presence and ran away shouting "there's no one here". His competence is clearly in question; he cannot be blamed however, as The Contessa's fearsome reputation clearly preceded her and the mere thought of engaging her would cause even the most competent of assassins to run away as a knight fleeing the killer bunny. Unfortunately the group, who were all bearing openly, were too swift in their haste to escape and so narrowly avoided a slaughter as The Contessa came chasing down the stairs just moments too late.

The Umpire notes: Could police and/or competent players involved in this event please reveal themselves? I should like to know who to make corrupt for killing an innocent...

[18:00 PM] Admiral James T. Kirk reflects on a day's INCOBASH!ing...
James T. Kirk reports:

Admiral's log, Star Date 9528.5 - Travelled to... military base! (adopts dramatic pose) on Acamar III (sorrowful yet deep gaze into middle distance). Young graduates... fresh from training... are... learning well (proud, fatherly yet not patronising smile). Some show... true promise. I would not... be surprised... to see one in particular... take command of a STARship (fond memory, nostalgic smile) before... too long.

[18:00 PM] INCOBASH! Nobody wanted any Chocolate...
Chocolate reports:

People sometimes crave Chocolate, but today they didn't seem to want any. Not even when Chocolate was in their colleges, in their courts, right in front of their doors... That said, one inco didn't get as far as Chocolate because he'd already been killed by Tea...

[19:00 PM] Attempted INCOBASH! Dancing Shadow kills Fred Maynard, only to find that he's already dead.

[19:20 PM] INCOBASH! The Jackal's Jackalope Jacket decides that times up for Roseanna Pendlebury (Teatime)
The Jackal's Jackalope Jacket reports:

The Jackal's Jackalope Jacket is pleased to report the stabbing related demise of Roseanna Pendlebury just outside Sidney Sussex. Google stalking had yielded both a picture and the knowledge of a SciFi soc meeting to convene at 7.30pm. Arriving at 7 (the early jacket gets first dibs on murder, as my grandfather Sweeney's Sealion Sou'wester used to say), the jacket lurked as inconspicuously as an animated bloodstained coat can - surprising and filleting his target only meters from safety in Sidney at about 7.20pm. Contract fulfilled, the Jacket departed swiftly (in case of any vengeful SciFiers with energy weaponry).

[19:30 PM] INCOBASH! The Goban of death lures Hikaru Sulu to his doom...
Hikaru Sulu reports:

After hearing about all the fun people were having incobashing, but having had too much work to go join in, I decided to go out and have a go myself. So on the evening of the 24th, at about 7:30, I ventured across the road to a nearby college where I expected to find lots of incompetent assassins just begging to be put out of their misery. However, I was mistaken. The first incompetent turned out to be very competent and armed with a Rubber band gun. I was mowed down for my complacency.

Goban of death reports:

Today, whilst going about my incompetence a couple of friendly guys came to see me, and wondered into my room where I and a couple of friends were discoursing. He asked whether Brook was about and I said no. So they left. Except I forgot and realised that I was in! I tried to call them back but they did not hear. So I got the attention of one of them with a rubber band gun. One police man less and the world is a little closer to anarchy.

[19:45 PM] INCOBASH! Mr. Beverage stabs Renate Mckenzie-Onah (polka)

[21:30 PM] INCOBASH! Lieutenant Commander Tuvok makes a tactical withdrawal.
Tuvok reports:

Tonight, someone was going to die! Shurikens and katana safely hidden I started my journey. After quickly scouting out my target I found him to be in the middle of a corridor party. Such festivities are not the habitat of a vulcan so I left to bide my time. His justice will come swiftly.

[22:30 PM] INCOBASH! Chris Terry was in the bar when suddenly, in a flash of light he was killed by Deathwhisper
Deathwhisper reports:

Whilst in the bar, I found one Chris Terry trying to find his way to the bottom of a bottle. Filled with remorse at his new found incompetency, he drowned his sorrows in search of release. He found it at the end of my knife instead.

[22:35 PM] Lt. Simon "Ghost" Riley is off duty when suddenly, in a flash of light he kills a zombie.
Simon "Ghost" Riley reports:


TIME: 2230 24/10/2010

I was not on duty when the events transpired.

In the bar of an UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE I saw from across the room what appeared to be an incompetent. I checked on my person for weapons and intel and found to my horror that my M9 and tactical knife were back on base, my only armament, an improvised pen. Checking the intel sent to my PDA I confirmed only a 67% probability that this was indeed a target, questioning the freshers also did little to confirm. As they were leaving for an UNSPECIFIED_CLUB I observed that the potential target was speaking to an informant whom after a brief amount of interrogation confirmed to me with that fateful word: "Yes". Whipping around I plunged my pen deep into his chest, aiming for the heart and hoping that the plastic was strong enough to break through the sternum. I discovered to my horror that the target, Chris Terry, had been murdered that very day and then brought back by some flesh controlling virus. It was however a pleasure to rid the world of one more zombie.

Lt. Simon "Ghost" Riley

[22:35 PM] Dancing Shadow finds that too many people are already dead...
Dancing Shadow reports:

The news was spreading. Many people stopped being worthy calling themselves assassins so they had to be killed. Dancing Shadow attempted to kill Fred Maynard. Bearing a banana-gun he stormed his chamber only to find him being undead. On the following day similar disappointment happened with Chris Terry. Too much foul magic around.

Monday, 25 October

[09:50 AM] Admiral James T. Kirk stops the Romulan pirate, Charlie Collins (Local Hero)
James T. Kirk reports:

Admiral's log, Star Date 9528.6. Informed by my troops of a Romulan pirate ship... ... ... attacking SHIPS in the... SECTOR. Decided... to relive academy training... glory... DAYS. Took a mid-size... fighter and... shot them down. Still got... what it TAKES.

[10:15 AM] Captain Camdan works with Lieutenants Riker and Geordi La Forge to kill the inco James Edward Staniforth (Thoughtfox), as well as getting his own target, Joaquim d'Souza (T-Pain).
Captain Camdan reports:

This evening, at around 10.15, I and my good friends Lieutenants Riker and Geordi La Forge accompanied me to (Unspecified College) for a double kill. I dispatched my target Joaquim d'Souza with a bullet through the heart and finished him off with a knife in the stomach. I then proceeded to the room next door to aid my police comrades in dealing with the incompetent James Edward Staniforth.

Riker reports:

Today I left to deal with the incompetent called James Edward Staniforth. Accompanied by Geordi La Forge and Captain Camdan, I made my way to St John's where we entered his hideout which had foolishly been left unlocked. Whilst Captain Camdan proceeded to kill one of his targets, who by happy coincidence shared the set with my target, I wasted no time entering James Edward Staniforth's room and shooting him dead. Whilst Geordi La Forge and I employed our powers of necromancy to talk to our target, we heard Captain Camdan's sweet voice conversing with his own victim.

[16:30 PM] After a heated battle, Dancing Shadow slays Brook Roberts (Goban of death)
Dancing Shadow reports:

Dancing Shadow prepared to launch an attack on the Goban of death's bastion. Bearing a magical water thrower he first tried to pick lock his gate, but failed. Then tried to ram it down but failed in attempt. He retreated to defensible position and waited for his enemy to come out. Shortly he saw gate opening and the enemy himself charging at him. After few seconds of inconclusive struggle Dancing Shadow shouted: "I challenge you for a duel! Leave your defences and face your death!" As the Goban of death agreed they went on a plain field with few carriages standing around. They took their ground and the duel started. After short exchange of fire and knife throwing, Goban of death took position behind a carriage. Dancing Shadow managed to avoid enemy's bullets and also reached the vehicle. Goban of death had to retreat from his position, but the decision was made too late. One of the bullets reached and subsequently killed him.

Goban of death reports:

An assassin came a visiting. Although I managed to gain the upper hand and attack with suprise, my shots missed. He challenged me to do battle outside, and being the honourable man I am, I accepted his challenge.

Turns out being honourable results in being shot :(

[17:00 PM] Data and Ninja Yodeller go hunting with Death! Undercover...
Death! Undercover... reports:

Good evening, O glorious Umpire.

Today I went hunting incos, with Data and Ninja Yodeller.

We visited the fortified castle in which Gypsy King resides. After talking our way past the terrifying guards, we found their room. Which was shut. Some conversation couldn't persuade them to come out, so we think they were in fact out. Disappointed, we left to find our next victim.

Traipsing through the streets of [Unspecified City], we located the abode of Chris Terry. With skill and cunning, we not only talked our way through the three guards (one who tells the truth, one who lies, and one who stabs you while your back is turned), but we navigated the devious labyrinth they had constructed to protect their room. Locating it, we convinced them to open the door, and I shot them several times (as did my colleague Data). Then we discovered they had apparently already been shot.

Now rather annoyed, we crossed the road to the tower in which our third target resided. After sneaking past the guards, and climbing right to the top in which their lair of darkness had its core, we burst in through their door. Only to find yet another zombie sprawled across the floor, and bloodstains on the wall informing us of the death of Brook Roberts not a few hours ago. Now rather demoralised, we called it a day.

We remain, of course, your humble servants,
Death! Undercover...

[17:00 PM] OSmeone killed Lucia Corsini (Blackdragon)
OSmeone reports:

Darth Umpire,

After a week of inactivity, the Empire has struck back in style! The rebel stronghold of St. Michael's court was fortified (forceified?) with the best defences the Alliance had to offer, and many stormtroopers were lost before the main gate was breached. Unfortunately, not even the awesome power of a death star could overcome the jedi keycode lock on the staircase door, and it was not until later that a suitable redshirt (right franchise?) arrived whose mind could be bent to my will, or rather followed in at a respectful distance. Jedi for metres around were able to sense the disturbance in the force that ensued when the lightsaber came down soon after.

*heavy breathing* dun-dun-dun-dundundun-dundundun

[18:15 PM] Somebody call the RSPCA! Foucault kills The Peculiar Albatross (Stephen Hobbs)..
Foucault reports:

After watching the door to his block from a distant window until he emerged, I stalked the inco Stephen Hobbs until he reached the queue for dinner, and then heroically stabbed him in the back.

The Peculiar Albatross reports:

I stood awaiting my next feast
And thoughts of killing lingered least,
When suddenly I was attacked
And felt a pain upon my back.

I turned but knew it was too late,
And saw the knife that sealed my fate.
He said "you're dead" and I was sure
That I would live to *rawk* no more.


[21:00 PM] Yeoman J. M. Colt goes on a killing spree. Amrit Khosa (SHER KHAN), Lee Graham (FluorescentPig) and Siddharth Mishra (Feynman) lose out...
J. M. Colt reports:

The mighty Umpire,

I am writing to inform you, that today 3 incompetent assassins fell victims of Erzy The Projectile Hedgehog. Although he may look innocent, in reality he is powerful and extremely dangerous. Luckily, Erzy and I know each other for about 3 years, and he agreed to help me on my new career path as a police yeoman. Today, on Mon 25th Oct, at around 20.00 we (Erzy PH and Colt, JM) went on the raid. The first incompetent assassin, Amrit Khosa, was eliminated in his kitchen. The second, Siddharth Mishra (aka Feinman), was found in his room. We paid a visit to [UNSPECIFIED-STREET], but apparently neither Distant Villain nor Charlie Collins were present (around 22.00). Then we sneaked into Homerton college, and Lee Graham was found, frying sausages in the kitchen. Those were the last thing he saw before meeting with Erzy, the fluffly flying deadly hedgehog. Noone of the killed made any attempts to escape or defend themselves. No innocents, whales or hedgehogs were harmed at the process.

Yours faithfully,


Tuesday, 26 October

[05:30 AM] Charon comes for the already dead Brook Roberts...
Charon reports:

Oh the frustration! Having succesfully found my target's staircase, and at the same time as someone else was entering, I went to their room - the door was open.... Peering inside I could see nobody, however the room next to it was also open and the resident informed me that target Brook Roberts was at a supervision, and wouldn't be back for at least 30mins. Annoying, but not as bad as the next words out of his mouth 'Oh, but if you're an assassin he's already dead'. Foiled again.

[11:05 AM] The Worf effect holds true... onoffon kills Han Yan.
Worf reports:

I regret to report that I was killed during a lone mission to assault the fortress of Tim Lui in the [UNSPECIFIED] star system. The alleged incompetent must have been warned (or just incredibly trigger-happy), for he shot me as soon as he opened the door. As I lie in stasis, I only wish for vengeance when the time comes.

[12:00 PM] Kitty Noone's penguin claims another victim - Sebastian Day (Red Squirrel)

The Umpire notes: Bang-kills are to be performed at a range of 1 meter or less. And they are not valid in open combat.

Red Squirrel reports:

Red Squirrel journeyed across the small city of Cambridge in search for blackjack and hookers. Instead, Red Squirrel came upon the dark doorstep of one Stephanie Leddington. Believing this to be an ordinary apartment - there was nothing extraordinary about it. No bright lights, no stormy clouds overhead, no crows glaring furiously along the path below - Red Squirrel thought it a nice spot to have a quiet picnic. It was upon munching on the shallowly glazed lemon cake that ma had prepared just few days before - and subsequently brought up on her visit - that Red Squirrel heard a piercing shriek from atop the towering staircase. Startled, Red Squirrels arms jolted upward. Red Squirrel was a curious sort of squirrel and so decided to investigate the haunting interruption.

Red Squirrel scrambled together his things and made his way toward the bottom step. As he approached, a wicked maniacal laughter filled the empty passage, causing a nearby trolley, apparently abandoned by it's owner, to rattle loudly. As Red Squirrel hauled his way to the top, his bottom lip began to tremble. He could feel the cold witches power growing stronger as he drew nearer. At last, when at the top, he was met by a foul odour. A large slug-like creature, with a thick oozing substance dripping from his stoney grey skin, lay by the door. As Red Squirrel approached, the creatures hoarse voice echoed towards him.
'Are you here to claim the life of the mistress inside?'
Red Squirrel paused for a moment. 'No. I am but a humble Squirrel with no connection to any assassins guild in any way and have no history of killing, harming or harassing any living being, no matter how deserving, whatsoever.' Red Squirrel replied.

The slugman grinned.
'What a pity...'.
He sat up, and then began the demise... of the great Red Squirrel.

The slugmans arms began flailing, his body twisting round and round. The surrounding concrete walls melted away revealing a swirling vortex of colour-coded death. The slugman then screamed 'Prepare for the ultimate M-m-m-mindFUCK!!!' All of a sudden a long hallway stretched towards RedSquirrel from complete obscurity, and then... then a dark figure shuffled slowly towards him. Red Squirrel knew this was it. He had to reach for his pistol, but it was no use. The Slugmans dance had paralysed him, rendering him defenseless to the cold witches attacks. The witch drew closer and closer while Red Squirrels heart was beating faster and faster. When she finally reached him, she pulled out her long, thin, boney hand clutching a small stuffed penguin before uttering the words: 'Got you! You're dead.'

It was over. The adventures of the Great Red squirrel had finally come to a close...

Or had they?

Kitty Noone reports:

Kitty Noone sat at her desk, dozing lightly. There was work in front of her, but it just wasn?t getting done. Mr Snuggles was curled on the bed, his serrated beak causing him to snore slightly.

Suddenly a sound brought her round to wakefulness. The doorbell! Who could it be at this time? It was the middle of the afternoon, and most folk had lectures or were working, like she was. She could think of no purpose for this other than sinister.

Her room mate answered the door as Kitty dragged Mr Snuggles off the bed. Even more savage than normal for being awoken from his nap, he snapped at her, and ruffled his dark feathers.

?Hi, is this Kitty?s* room?? She heard, in a voice she didn?t recognise. Her suspicions confirmed, Kitty raised Mr Snuggles to head height, just as her room-mate banged on her own door.

?Just a second!? She called, checking the penguin was ready. His eyes glinted in what was almost glee. And she opened the door.

He wasn?t where she?d thought; he?d retreated round the corner to the entrance to their set. But there he was, and there was a gun in his hand! Kitty lunged, lofting Mr Snuiggles through the air in a manner that would have utterly stumped zoologists claiming that penguins can?t fly. The gun went off, but wide, the bullet burying itself in the wall.

And Mr Snuggles was on him, like a demon in penguin form.

Her room-mate made Kitty clean all the blood off the floor.

*You will never learn my true name!

[12:00 PM] Curly Brace has killed The One (Hassan 'The Hus' Shakeel)! I thought that was Smith's job...
Curly Brace reports:

Having just purchased a pair of magnums from the dealer on market square I proceeded to the new museums site where I prepared my weapons in a hidden location. I awaited Hassan's arrival at his lecture with my bad boys, one in each pocket. As he came through the door I plastered him to the wall. There was shouts of "Commitment!". I thought so, they cost me 59p.

[13:30 PM] Hobson's twin brother retreats through Hobson's passage.
Hobson reports:

Dearest Umpire,

I write to inform you of pure cowardice on behalf of my target (Kiwi Sin). Who refused to meet his demise at the hands of a "student newspaper salesman" by silencing his chatter with a friend and remaining inside at 1330.

What suspicious times we live in- thus I was forced to make a retreat through the dirty long and dark tunnel that is Hobson's passage!

Yours sincerely

Hobnob (Hobson's twin brother)

[15:00 PM] Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons does the rounds on The Contessa and Torquemada. Again.
Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons reports:

Torquemada still has the annoying habit of never leaving his room EVER, and I'm not entirely sure that The Contessa's department of [UNSPECIFIED] even exists.

[16:30 PM] Saavik happens across James Edward Staniforth's walking corpse
Saavik reports:

It was a wet and rainy afternoon when Lieutenant Saavik made her attempt on the life of James Edward Staniforth. The clouds hung low and the air was damp and chill. Due to an unexpected moment of free time and the proximity of James Edward Staniforth to her own quarters, Saavik ventured across the college armed with her trusty throwing knife and accompanied by her pet monkey Zaza.

With the monkey safely stowed in a Sainsbury's carrier bag and her throwing knife tucked up her sleeve, Saavik climbed the stairs to the target's living quarters. She knocked on the door, and waited.

The door opened a fraction, before the target cautiously peered out. Upon seeing no weapon in her hand the target opened the door fully and Saavik asked if the other occupant of the set was in. This was found to be the case and the target made the fateful mistake of turning his back.

With a yell of triumph Saavik lunged forward and stabbed James Edward Staniforth in the back. To her disappointment, there was no blood. No scream of agony as the knife plunged between his ribs and into his heart. After further inspection, Lieutenant Saavik noticed the fatal wound on the other side of the target's back. She had come too late, for this incompetent assassin had already been competently killed.

[19:30 PM] No-Face doesn't catch Dancing Shadow.
No-Face reports:

As the sky darkened and grew forth to consume the joy of the day, I set forth to hunt. I had soon reached the land of my quarry, through shadows I crept, relishing The Darkness as I swiftly sought out the fortress of my target. By now I was acquainted with the fiendish magical wards protecting this place, locks of eldrich power securing the portal through which bloodshed awaited. Once more I sought out the shadows, that I might pursue an entity acquainted with this dark magic through the portal. Thus, I waited.

And waited.

Many did pass by as I lurked in The Darkness, unobserved as I sought to divine their destination, but sadly none did seek the portal that I did. That is, until one entity in particular caught my eye, rapidly I set about my pursuit as it became clear that he sought the same route that did I. Tragically however, I was not fast enough, synchronizing both silent running and dodging the bright, searing lights littering the area I was not quite fast enough. However, for a final twist in the tale, as I watched the portal crackle with energies, suddenly sealed, the entity I had sought to pursue glanced at me from within his fortress. He would have seen but a mysterious figure, a dark ghoul of the shadows, but in that moment I daresay I saw more than merely the suspicious curiosity of a civilian amid this dark game of murder, indeed, I daresay I saw the eyes of a killer, the one whose death I sought. True, he had nothing to fear from me from within his fortress, but I couldn't help but smile that if I was correct in my presumption, a seed of purest discord may have been sown within his mind: That a hunter awaits him in The Darkness.

Alternatively, I've struck fear into the heart of an innocent. Either way, a successful trip.

[21:00 PM] Death! Undercover... is seemingly no longer undercover, as he teams up with Admiral James T. Kirk to hunt down incos. Matt Green (Ice Ice Baby), Tim Lui (onoffon) and Oisin Huhn (Gypsy King) bite the dust...
Death! Undercover... reports:

Hello, O Umpire.

Today I took with me another compatriot, the infamous James T. Kirk, and we went out hunting.

First, we visited the room of ODB. There we were foiled by a locked door to their staircase, so after some lurking, we continued on our path at around 1925.

We then visited the room of Thoughtfox. They were out, but the door to their set was unlocked. A quick sneak past the neighbour, and we were concealed inside. The neighbour then informed us that they were both dead, and I gently delurked. A pleasant conversation was eventually punctuated by the arrival of Thoughtfox themself, who also claimed to be dead, and we then left at around 2000.

Next we sneaky-sneaked to the room of Matt Green. One of their neighbours was a prior acquaintance, so we convinced them to let us in, persuaded them to open their door, and were faced by a hail of gunfire! My reflexes saved me, and I shot Matt Green several times in the chest. We then had a short chat with the corpse and a complete passerby, before continuing on our way at around 2040.

From there we continued to the room of Tim Lui. Their fortress was near impenetrable, but we convinced the guards to let us in, and then obtained entry to their room. Again, the opening of the door was punctuated by heavy gunfire. Again my reflexes and blocking skills saved me, while the target lay dead on the floor. Continuing on our way, we left at about 2100.

Then we went to the bar of [Unspecified College], in order to look for Distant Villain. However, he wasn't there. So we left again, and went on our final spate of hunting.

Here we reached the infamous fortress of Oisin Huhn, from which I had been repulsed only yesterday! Today, however, the world smiled upon us, for we talked our way in with smooth lies and flattery, burst into their room, and shot them in the corner. James T. Kirk delivered a second wave of 'firepower' to the corpse, and we took our leave at around 2130.

On our homeward path, we stood outside the house of Quantum Snail for a while, but couldn't find any way to break into this truly impenetrable tower. So we separated and walked to our own rooms.

Yrs, Death! Undercover...

Matt Green reports:

Whilst merrily working away, there came a knock at the door. Alas, my trusty SMG lay ammoless across the floor, I had earlier been cleaning it. So as not to arouse suspicion, I answered the door with my revolver - a much lesser weapon and not really suited to defensive situaion. Flinging the door open both sides opened fire, one side hit. The other side hit. The bloody other side hit me. Great. Cue out of body experience. After two years underground you would have thought I'd have been better prepared...

Wednesday, 27 October

[00:10 AM] People, please don't go bearing without good reason. Chocolate kills Matthew Hinks (Jeremy Brackett) for exactly that mistake...
Chocolate reports:

Reports now in about Chocolate-related deaths in night clubs! A group of innocents almost got unwanted killer Chocolate for saying "What happens if someone tries to assassinate you?" "You assassinate them right back!", but a cocoaic investigation revealed that actually, none of them were playing. At this point, Matthew Hinks arrived. Matthew Hinks? He doesn't usually come here! He must only be here for the Chocolate! So, like an Easter egg of death, Chocolate stayed out of his line of sight until he'd finished surveying the room and went to sit down. At this point, Chocolate spread through the club and a lightsabre-bearing Matthew Hinks got Chocolated, to the hilarity of his friends, and a sympathetic sambuca shot afterwards, since people don't expect Chocolate to stab them! Some innocent (term used loosely!) friends discovered that a) bearing a lightsabre and b) saying you're an Assassin whilst holding the same kind of pen as your friend's knife, but unlabelled, in a very suspicious manner gets you Chocolated, too. Guess the Assassin-related hilarity then ensued until Chocolate decided that liqueur Chocolate is a good variant on the non-alcoholic variety and busied themself with this instead.

Jeremy Brackett reports:

Well, that was fail.

I happened to be going out for once- just wanting a good night off. Anyway, a particular assassin sees me, immediately recognises me and assumes that I be there to take him out.

So, he watches me from the dark until I am bearing. I was just talking with friends who were well aware of my assassin state and draw my pen to write jot something down.

They make the passing comment that I took a great deal of time to draw a pen and that any assassin would have had ample chance to confront me and retaliate. I, wanting to prove this is not the case, draw my lightsabre in a split. Chocolate comes from the side and stabs me...

So yeah, I'm dead. Great.

But it didn't end there though- for the next half hour, this assassin was convinced that my group would be out for a revenge kill (although none of the present group were playing) and proceeded to flee to the toilets.

It then only seemed fitting to station friends outside the toilets and continuously toy with Chocolate.

Either way it is ironic that for so long I have been paranoid about being betrayed by fellow [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] members who have on multiple occasions stabbed and shot me but in the end, I feel I have somehow betrayed myself... (I am sure there is some deep, philosophical meaning behind that)

[11:25 AM] The Russian kills an innocent instead of The World's Expert On Getting Killed (which really shouldn't be an easily made mistake) and goes Wanted!
The Russian reports:

I and a few loyal accomplices made way to lair of traitor The World's Expert On Getting Killed again with intent to finally end the life of this insidious troublemaker. Instead, we were foiled, as, convinced that she was a rival assassin due to the knife in her hand (which turned out to be a REAL knife and could therefore not possibly have been an assassin's weapon), I shot a female cohabitant of the target and was thereafter unable to enter his room.

For the killing of an non-assassin, I offer myself up to the mercy of the Politburo chiefs. My passion for the cause was too great, and my trigger finger too twitchy.

С любовью,

The Яussian

[12:45 PM] Hobson continues to avoid being a Citizen Erased.
Citizen Erased reports:

This unit is beginning to suspect that it's previous assumptions about Hobson were incorrect.

With his physical appearance logged and recorded, I set out to organise a swift "restructuring of his official data" after his lectures at [LOCATION_WITHHELD]. However, through clandestine and unorthodox means the target evaded this unit, and thus remains breathing borrowed air.

His time will come though. No-one can escape deletion.

Citizen Erased

[15:30 PM] John Samuel Cockton (Sam) (Funka) is killed by The Deadly Poet's Society
The Deadly Poet's Society reports:

Sam Cockton is dead from a knife to the head. (Well the back, but head rhymed so whatever)

[16:45 PM] Matthew Patel goes out to hunt, but only finds a suspicious individual.
Matthew Patel reports:

Visited incos Gypsy King and Quantum Snail. Lurked both players' houses' doorways but did not gain entry. Flashpoint came at end of time period when a white male exited a door suspected to be Quantum Snail's abode. Followed him casually along the street, admiring his manly locks, immaculate fashion sense and an impressive beard, to a side entrance of [UNSPECIFIED-COLLEGE]. As he was about to cross through the gateway I queried if this chap was the inco I sought.

Chuckling, this presumed innocent civilian replied "Who on Earth could that be? I have no idea..." and so went on his way

We shall see then.

[20:00 PM] The Russian goes hunting...
The Russian reports:

Today, between 4pm and 8pm I roamed streets of Cambridge looking for those incompetent enemies of great Communist state. First target: Mike Schmornoff, soliciting aid of loyal informant. Unfortunately, was too crafty and all my efforts at termination came to nothing.
Next stop [REDACTED] and traitor Funka. Purge incomplete, as not in room or surrounding area. Will return later.
Final attempt on Tim Lui at Dowing College. Staircase as impenetrable as basement of KGB offices in Kremlin, with as few people coming out alive. Forced to retreat this time, but will carry on the great struggle against the enemies of the great Guild with more zeal than ever before!

С любовью,

The Яussian.

[21:15 PM] Daniello of Camden shoots Peter E Conn (Felix Haukner) by the river...

[22:00 PM] FreeMuRa doesn't quite reach Queenie
FreeMuRa reports:

I went to [unspecified] college to take down my innocent poor little victim. I was getting closer and closer, but my victim apparently has cautious guards (the porters) who spotted me, the stranger, and did not let me in... and so the victim remains to greet another sunrise... but not for long...

Thursday, 28 October

[11:45 AM] Thick wood, bolts and "out to lunch" again saves Charon from Compo's advances!

[12:00 PM] Dancing Shadow kills Nathan Wilson (Shortie). With Epic music. (The Jaws theme)

[12:10 PM] Sally Higson (Ninja Yodeller) opens the door to meet Dancing Shadow. And Captain Kathryn Janeway goes corrupt...

The Umpire notes:
Closing a door on an assassin is a perfectly viable strategy. Sticking your foot in the door to stop someone closing it is an equally viable strategy, but don't complain if your foot gets hurt. Slamming the door on an assassin whilst they are standing in the doorway is strictly not legal, however that did not happen in this case.

The Umpire also notes:
Police are not to involve themselves in events that do not concern them. For example, if a player has just stabbed a friend, you may not take revenge. Police kills only count when against Wanteds, incos or assassins that are directly attacking the Police officer in question. Thus our Chief of Police, Captain Kathryn Janeway, is now corrupt.

The Umpire's final note:
Whilst fake plastic toy knives are legal, be careful that they do not look too realistic. If the blade is shiny, then it will probably be mistaken for a real knife by anyone unfamiliar with the game. If you are unsure about a weapon, then feel free to email me.

[12:15 PM] Pillow is suitably discreet when hunting Saint Sir God
Pillow reports:

Today I went on a quest to find and kill enemy of the entire humanity Mr Saint Sir God. Unfortunately while I was looking for his appartaments I ran into his loyal bodyguard - porter of [UNSPECIFIED-COLLEGE] - and, in order not to make them aware of our glorious guild, had to leave without spilling blood : (

[12:15 PM] Citizen Erased finally erases Gavin Tapsfield (Hobson AKA Tyrael)
Citizen Erased reports:

Name: Gavin Tapsfield

Time of Death: 12:15

Manner of Death: Knife in the back

Notes: The target's location was acquired and this unit was dispatched to ensure that the meal he was enjoying would be his last. A swift switchblade to the spine later, the data-handlers began to wipe his existence from all databases. Deletion is now complete.

Only one file remains, a memento of sorts. A distorted image of Gavin Tapsfield slumped over a table, his last breath filled with the smell of buttery food.

Citizen Erased

[15:10 PM] Magos Biologis can't track down his inco prey...
Magos Biologis reports:

The fools still elude me. By the Machine God, where are all those hive rats hiding?!

[18:20 PM] Unknown Yellow-Uniformed Ensign: Clearly For The Chop fires Oliver (Ollie) Bartlett (Quantum Snail) for slacking on the job...
Unknown Yellow-Uniformed Ensign: Clearly For The Chop reports:

Never thought I'd see action so soon after being posted! No sooner had I finished my briefing for tonight's perilous adventure than I ran into Oliver (Ollie) Bartlett - and where else but in the corridors of our very ship! Sensing the opportunity to gain a few brownie-points with the Captain (and who knows, maybe the Admiral himself will even take notice?) I drew my standard issue combat knife and delivered a quick and fatal blow (my phaser being safely still in my quarters, charging for the mission).

Oliver (Ollie) Bartlett tried to claim that he was planning on changing his ways and pulling his weight, but we just can't tolerate his level of incompetence in Star Fleet - replicating rations is expensive, you know!

[19:50 PM] Curly Brace claims yet another victim - the inco Aaron Miles (Mike Schmornoff)
Curly Brace reports:

I received an email from Aaron Miles notifying me of a particular society meeting and realising he was an incompetent prepared to loose him of his shame. This wasn't going to be any old kill however, as I knew his residence well. I waited at the top of a hill until his appearance from his block. When he inevitably came out of the door I mounted my bicycle and drew my lustrous sabre. Metal glinting in the moonlight and battle cry echoeing over the compound I rode down towards him. He immediately turned, saw me and legged it. I followed him down the hill but his on foot acceleration was too much for me and he was already around the corner and out of college. I dumped my bike on the road outside the plodge and began chase.

There were many confused and worried stares, but had they known the shameful state of my victim the onlookers would have cheered me toward my goal!

The Chase was heated, but my long legs soon made ground on my heavily coated target. Within 30 seconds he was wearied and I was ready to kill.

But at the last moment he turned and fired the most unusual contraption at me! It appeared to contain a ferocious cat! Unfortunately for Aaron Miles the Cat flew harmlessly into the road and before the moment was up Aaron Miles was slashed in half.

N.B no cats were harmed, The cat found a loving family soon after.

Mike Schmornoff reports:

I was casually leaving [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] when I heard a shout behind me, and when I turned around I found to my horror someone cycling toward me weilding a rather large sword. My first response was to outrun the assassin. As I sprinted off I suddenly realised I had my trusty cat-apult on me, so I eventually decided to break my vow of pacifism and have a showdown with my assailant. Unfortunately the horde of cats I summoned were extremely limited in range and unforgiveably inaccurate, leaving me undefended as I was closed down and savagely cut down.

Friday, 29 October

[00:15 AM] Matthew Patel kills the Chief campaigner to make the licky bit on envelopes different flavours (Edward C West)
Chief campaigner to make the licky bit on envelopes different flavours reports:

I am sad to admit to that i was gruesomely murdered as I came out from Spoons at quarter past 12 tonight. Matthew Patel shouted my name, and i turned round, only to see him with a sickly smile on his face and an elastic band gun in his hand. I was too slow to draw my weapon, as he fired a shot of pure elastic-potential-energy into my chest. It was then that I knew I was defeated.

Matthew Patel reports:

Unspecified college's cohort of unspecified subject students departed for their annual night of beverage revelry. Edward C West was known to be among their number in the year below his hunter.

Had him pointed out when the crawling of pubs had reached the establishment known as 'spoons.

Standing outside at the close of festivities therein, I drew my pistol and fired a clean shot to the chest.

Reaching the next pub, I offered to buy his corpse a drink.

[10:15 AM] T3H 1337 K1LL3R can't bypass the locked doors of Themselves and Christopher Powell...
T3H 1337 K1LL3R reports:

"5T0P C4MP1NG U N00B5!!111" ~ T3H 1337 K1LL3R (pr0)on Noobs (definitely not pro).

[20:30 PM] nivwusquorum still can't find No-Face
nivwusquorum reports:

I made an attempt to kill No-Face for the second time.
He wasn't there, furthermore nobody in his neighbourhood knew him - It's just impossible :) Three times a charm.

[23:00 PM] Lt. Simon "Ghost" Riley dresses up to slay Alexander Lanz Johnson (William II de Ferrers)
Simon "Ghost" Riley reports:


2230 29/10/2010

Yet again I was off duty, as my off duty character, Rorschach.

Rorchach's Journal October 29th 2010

Freshers throwing up in alleyway this evening, college mother obviously concerned. Halloween formal left me in an incredibly drunken state; fine like this. Target engages me in polite conversation, I withdrew my M9, times certainly change, and shot his brains out the back on his head. On Friday night Alexander Lanz Johnson died in Cambridge. Somebody knows why, me.

Lt. Simon "Ghost" Riley

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