Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 5 News

Saturday, 13 November

[09:00 AM] Spin the Wheel of Fortune.... But ultimately, The Contessa does not emerge.

[13:00 PM] The Wheel of Fortune doesn't end on a Pillow either...

[18:45 PM] Borg Assimilator Two of Nine thought he saw Kiwi Sin, but it was only an innocent. Ah well, corruptness results...
Two of Nine reports:

Anyone for Non-Out-of-Bounds CTF?

[23:10 PM] as lightning flashed across the sky... or actually just before said lightning, Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons killed Spock. Ah well, he's been dead before...
Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons reports:

These so called law enforcers are getting lax in their ways, for Spock was found to be filling out some paperwork alone in him home, completely insecure when a hoarde of Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons shambled up and murdered him in the night. Score one for the shambling masses.

as lightning flashed across the sky reports:

as lightning flashed across the sky snuck up several flights of stairs to eliminate Spock for a lark. It seems the lark had already ascended though, for he had in fact been brutally assassinated just five minutes earlier.

Then, suddenly, the assassin who had just removed the incompetent policeman reappeared! He greeted as lightning flashed across the sky amicably and they went off for celebratory kill-pizza. Nom.

The Umpire notes:
Just in case assassins had forgotten: kills of Police never count for competence. Nor do they count towards redeeming yourself from being wanted. In fact, the only thing they do count towards is your next pseudonym.

Sunday, 14 November

[15:00 PM] The Jackal's Jackalope Jacket doesn't find a Dancing Shadow, or T3H 1337 K1LL3R.
The Jackal's Jackalope Jacket reports:

Bright eyed and bushy coat-tailed, the Jacket set off on his usual Sunday constitutional/murder hunt. It was a great day to be alive, hopefully someone's last...

Two hours later, a somewhat damper and less keen Jacket squelched home. The roving eye of stabby death obviously had a blind spot when it came to Dancing Shadow and T3H 1337 K1LL3R.

Worry not brave reader - the Jacket is not so easily dissuaded. Sooner or later, your luck will run out.

[17:40 PM] Miracle Engineer Montgomery Scott checks out Queenie and Daniello of Camden
Montgomery Scott reports:

I set out this evening under cover of darkness, but was a victim to the defences of locked doors and no replies. At around 17:40 I tried the door of Daniello of Camden only to find it locked, and after waiting a few minutes decided to try elsewhere, and greeted one of his neighbours on the way out, I'm a friendly guy really! I noted his window was dark so I moved onto the room of Queenie at about 17:50, but again found a locked door, with no signs of life, so I lurked in the corridor, but found no company so gave up a few minutes after 6, I had a stomach to feed!

[18:30 PM] REGICIDE! Jennifer Purcell (Jenni) (Queenie AKA The Deadly Poet's Society) is killed by Professor Moriarty at the end of a long day's hunting.
Queenie reports:

So Queenie AKA The Deadly Poet's Society went to regain competency today - hung around outside Daniello of Camden's door for about 20 minutes whilst I thought he was in the bathroom...turns out it was his roomie and Daniello of Camden was out for the evening....
So then I go in search of Deathwhisper...he's in but we encounter his friends who start shouting [UNSPECIFIED_NAME] when they see us....there's a pause as I begin to flee down the stairs and then suddenly someone is chasing us. I naturally assume it is now Deathwhisper - armed and ready to kill....Oh no - it is his friend being very bizarre and deciding to follow waving something in his hands which I assumed was a weapon - it wasn't...
I turn around on the last step and fire with my watergun right into his chest only to be screamed at with "YOU HIT AN INNOCENT" is now I realise that this is not who I wanted to kill.... This innocent then attempts to take a picture of me whilst asking for my pseudonym...I tell him I'm The Deadly Poet's Society with which he responds..."yeah right, what actually is it" - I then run away.
It is at this point I should mention that I see Britta Tarvis my friend and funnily enough one of my victims...I inform her of my sorry situation and we discuss how scary it would be to get hunted by the remaining competent players as a wanted player... It is then she shoots me with a charming little water pistol.....I think of it as poetic justice - I killed her, she killed me. Circle of life etc. Plus I'm glad my death goes to her, hopefully she can have some enjoyment out of murdering Queenie.
Also ps. whoever is mocking me by being "Queeny" does not appreciate it :P
But for now, all in all an enjoyable royal death and I wouldn't have chosen to let the blue blood flow out of my body any other way!

Professor Moriarty reports:

I am delighted to announce that tonight at 7pm a very pretty thing called regicide occurred. Queenie is dead, killed by the ghost of a Mammoth she once assassinated.

Monday, 15 November

[00:00 AM] The Queenie is dead, Long live the Queeny! Queeny hunts both Two and Deathwhisper.
Queeny reports:

Today I spent twenty minutes around midnight lurking outside [UNSPECIFIED_STREET] for Deathwhisper, but unfortunately no-one went in for me to follow. I also spent fifteen minutes in Two's basement apartment, again with no success, for his room door was locked. I shall return, and have my vengeance.

[08:45 AM] The Wheel of Fortune spins again, landing on Daniel James Threlfall's misfortune. (Daniello of Camden AKA Captain Camdan)

[15:20 PM] The pendulum swings... But Foucault doesn't find the solution to R.101010
Foucault reports:

At around 15:20 today I went to check out the block of the inco R.101010. After finding the entrance to be locked, Iurked outside the door for 20 minutes hoping for them to leave or for someone to let me in, but to no avail.

[17:30 PM] as lightning flashed across the sky, Hester Thorneycroft was hit by a piano sent at her by Quote.
Quote reports:

A week of preparation saw fruition this very night! About a week ago I decided it was time to pull out a kill befitting of my Mastery of the sport. Forthwith construction began upon the delicious of ironic instruments of death (gah-hahaha!). To kill a pianist with a piano! Over several days the thing was built, alongside which a devilish implementation was planned. I befriended several of the target's less honourable companions to lead her upon my merry dance.

Finally the thing was finished, glowing lustrously in ivory black. But celebrations needed to be saved for the completion, we still needed to get it to a suitbale location. We occulted it under a white sheet and walked it to the building just after dusk. A friend of the target saw us from them distance! And began to approach!

"That thing has legs," said he,

"Its a proppy thing..." My accomplice began to blurt, I cut in. " It's a prop for a play we've been preparing for." I responded confidently, he lost interest.

Once we were at the top of castle end in one of my accomplices room, it was time to sharpen up the plan. Friend X would inform target that there were delicious cookies in the gyp room downstairs, and at the bottom of the stairs stop to discuss getting friend Y. In which time friend Y would help me to come out of his room and hang in wait with the pianoforte.

It was all in place and the time had come to play our parts. My blood was pumping as X left. For all we knew she wasn't in! After what seemed an ages voices could be heard coming down the corridor. When they reached the bottom of the stairs we shuffled out to wait till she was in the right position. She looked up just as she took the first step, but it was too late!!! The piano hit her with an almighty crash! It took the cleaners a week to separate her intestines from the piano strings.

May this stand as a lesson to all who dare to oppose Quote!

Two images of the Piano:

1 2

as lightning flashed across the sky reports:

Hettie was minding her own business, mixing pasta and bread in a carbohydrate frenzy after a long, tiring day in the library. But lo! Her friend appeared, waving his arms and exclaiming that good things awaited downstairs! Knowing that it was her other friend's birthday, and expecting cake, she said "Sure! After I finish my carb fest."

"No no! You've - errrr - got to come now..."

She was unsuspicious. Cake does disappear quite quickly in [unspecified_college]. So she dashed off behind him and down the stairs.

"Wait," he said, "let me just get Will Keen too"

I wasn't suspicious, still. I should have been. William Keen is a nefarious and sneaky individual who deserves no loyalty and owes none either.*** Ah well. Hettie followed her friend naively up the stairs, and stopped.

Something big was hurtling towards her. From above.


It's quite difficult to describe how it feels to have a huge Steinberg grand piano fall on your head from a height. But I can say with some surety that it's not an experience one tends to survive through. I congratulate my killer; that prop was exceptionally well made, and all his plans were fulfilled.

~Hettie R.I.P. :)

***[UMPIRICAL NOTE: See "Police War" of Lent 2010 for evidence of such nefarious sneakiness... :)]

Hester Thorneycroft reports:

Despite him being a non-player, I'd like to offer lots and lots of chocolate to whoever douses Will Keen with a nice big water-gun. :)

The Umpire notes:
If you decide to take Hester Thorneycroft up on her offer of a bounty for killing Will Keen, I will be forced to make you wanted. Or corrupt, depending on the context.
But that's no real reason not to do it... :)

[20:10 PM] The World's Expert On Getting Killed (Jonathan French) proves not to be so expert on getting killed, since it took him this long to get killed! Magos Biologis does him in...
Magos Biologis reports:

Thank all that is good for my lovely accomplice! With her help, we finally located the residence. It was empty, and we were just about to leave when our foe walked right up to his front door. He did not walk out.

The World's Expert On Getting Killed reports:

Stabbed at 20.11 with a pen-knife by an otherwise anonymous male assailant (and female accomplice), as I unwisely attempted to unlock my room and retrieve painkillers for a similarly killer headache, while unarmed. A fatal error.

Tuesday, 16 November

[00:00 AM] Head Yeoman J. MIA Colt and Lieutenant Commander Saavik take Two, no, Three hours to kill Dominic Carr (Two)
J. MIA Colt reports:

Dominic Carr is dead. Assisted in it by Saavik's killer monkey and J. MIA Colt's non-leaky storm gun. We put him to eternal rest after 3 hours (from 9 till 12) of the perfect and foolproof ambush,sitting in silence and darkness in his own room in St.Giles. He seemed happy to be killed this way, because he said he has no time for the game, but he wanted some honourable. We gave him some biscuits and left him to rest in peace.

Saavik reports:

Last night J. MIA Colt, Saavik and Killer Monkey took a trip to the colleges of [NOT_EXACTLY_SPECIFIED] and [NOT_REALLY_SPECIFIED_EITHER] on a mission to rid them of a few of their incompetent assassins. These first visits were unsuccessful due to the absence of the incos concerned.

However, we struck lucky at Clare Colony when an unsuspecting resident of Dominic Carr's shared house accidentally let us in. We ventured downstairs to the target's room. He was missing from it, but had left his door unlocked! Silly inco.

For three hours we waited in the darkness: I with my knife in hand, Colt with her gun and Killer Monkey quivering with anticipation. At around midnight the target was heard conversing outside the door. He opened it and the monkey lunged straight for his throat at the instant Colt fired a shot through his chest. Whether it was the gunshot that killed him or he suffered the horror of death-by-monkey remains unknown. All that is known is Dominic Carr is dead.

Two reports:

I was killed today by the keenest police ever. They had taken position in my room. And waited. For three hours. In the dark. I was both shot in the face with water and killed by a KILLER COLOURFUL BEAR THING! And gave me a biscuit. Best kill ever.

[16:20 PM] Constable Odo hitches a ride with The USS Enterprise [NCC-1701] in an attempt to track down Compo

[18:00 PM] Captain Kathryn Janeway, Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres and Lieutenant Data (?!) meet up to find The Contessa, but she isn't there.
Data reports:

After a long walk in the bloomin freezing gardens of [UNSPECIFIED] earlier this evening (about 6) we arrived at the house of Madeleine Kasson. After briefly interrogating a supposed (i had my doubts) innocent we gained entry but she was nowhere to be seen. Arse. Revenge of the boringly failsome attempts.

[19:00 PM] Lieutenant Commander Pavel Andreievich Chekov comes across a zombified Dominic Carr
Pavel Andreievich Chekov reports:

You do not want to meet Pavel Andreievich Chekov in dark alley. Dominic Carr found this out today. Unfortunately, Dominic Carr turned out to be already dead. Why so many zombies in suits in Cambridge? Are brains on menu of Unspecified College formal?

[20:30 PM] Constable Odo again goes on the prowl, checking out Daniello of Camden, Compo and Mr. Beverage

[21:40 PM] T3H 1337 K1LL3R may not be so 1337, as he fails to catch either Themselves or FreeMuRa
T3H 1337 K1LL3R reports:

"WHY PL4Y 1F U H4V3 4LR34DY W0N?" ~ T3H 1337 K1LL3R on how to live life, the pr0 way.

Wednesday, 17 November

[00:00 AM] Amelia (Amy) Booth is posting a non-anonymous bounty on EVERYONE, including herself.
Amelia (Amy) Booth reports:

You get chocolate for EVERY licit kill of a player you make from now until the end of the game. Even if it makes you go wanted. I'll bring lots to the End of Game Party, any Assassins formals which may be coming up, Capture the Flag etc. For those of you who get particularly shooty / stabby / throwy / piano-y, I might even get my baking stuff out. I live in a house with an oven and I'm not afraid to use it...

The Umpire notes:
If you get me, then you've been promised an extra special biscuit. But try not to annoy me too much, otherwise I may have to unleash the Velociraptors... And they're hungry.

[01:00 AM] *Another* bounty. Two in one day, yikes...

Pontius Pilate wishes the following Wobinson-welated cwiminals, wascals and wapscallions appwehended/cwucified.

1) Cwistopher Judge *of* Wobinson, for weneging on his entewtaining us fwom behind Wabbit-welated pseudonyms: 1 packet of Bouwbon Cweams

2) *Wicharwd* Wobinson of [Unspecified_Wesidence] for [Unspecified_Owganized_Cwime_Owganization] Membewship: 2 packets of Bouwbon Cweams

3) *Wyan* Wobinson of Cowpus Cwisti: thwee packets of Bouwbon Cweams ow other desewt dwoducts, fow they as who hewoically cwucify him, *not* "save pwivate Wyan", or "shave Wyan´s pwivates" ow in any othew way end "the life of Wyan" with 2uwgency and extweme pwejudice" (always stwictly within the assassins wules!) in wesponse to the wecent diswespecting of the Wightful Woyalty of this Countwy neaw his woom. Moste intewesting wepewfowation of Wyan´s cowpse might also wecieve bonus luxuwy dessewt pwoduct fwom Mawks and Spensew´s

P.S. we are vewy disappointed *O'Bwian* has been ewadicated pwior to this bountying oppowtunity. Still, my gweat fwiend BIG-Gus DICK-Us (What Awe You Laughing At, Centuwion? He wanks vewy highly in Wome!) will soon be gwacing us with his pwesence... And this will no doubt pwovide gweater (and diffewently-mispwonounced) oppowtunities for bountyhuntews to Mwahahahah, Pwofit! (as affiwmed by the book of Wevelation).

[08:20 AM] The Wheel of Fortune spins around Foucault

[12:00 PM] Random Strategy is decidedly less random than usual. But just as successful.
Random Strategy reports:

Random Strategy had discovered that all 3 of his targets studied [UNSPECIFIED SUBJECT] so decided to pay the department of [UNSPECIFIED SUBJECT] a visit. However, despite spending quite a long time there, he did not find any of them. (due to randomness of course). He later discovered that 2 of the 3 targets had already been killed by local police, which might explain why they weren't alive and well and in lectures.

[15:00 PM] INCOBASH Mk 3! Which is even less successful than the previous INCOBASHes. *sigh*

The brief necessities:
Starfleet (Captain Kathryn Janeway, Lt. Cmdr. Tuvok, Lt. Data and Borg Assimilator Two of Nine) teams up with Death! Undercover... and Oh baby! I want you more than the police want Chris Powell! However, despite their best efforts hunting Kiwi Sin, Pillow, Deathwhisper and FreeMuRa; they succeed only in getting Kathryn Janeway corrupt, and Two of Nine more corrupt... And stabbing Random Strategy, which didn't count.

Tuvok reports:

The time arranged, the stage set, the police emerged from the depths of lectures to bring vengeance upon various incos. The first target, Deathwhisper, appeared not to be in, despite a thorough electromagnetic scan of his room. He seemed to set a trend as the next two targets visited were also mysteriously absent; Pillow and FreeMuRa. Still, at least Starfleet will know that we're doing the job and reward us with competence!

Random Strategy reports:

Random Strategy was hunting. Not for an assassin, but for, erm, a nice warm pair of gloves. A completely innocent activity. But apparently, his strategy for glove-hunting is so random that he could only be mistaken for an assassin looking for someone to kill. A passing police officer was naturally fooled into believing this, and so promptly stabbed him in the back. However, chance meant that Random Strategy was not in fact incompetent (or wanted), and so it was not legitimate kill from the police officer. Such a random encounter...

Now the question is does it work the other way round too? IE: when Random Strategy is actually trying to assassinate someone, do people mistake him for an innocent trying to buy gloves? It would make random sense...

Two of Nine reports:

[Umpirical Note: Regarding Random Strategy]
Designation: Species 8472
Assimilation: Failure, Species demonstrates biological resistance to nano-probes

Kathryn Janeway reports:

Today Two of Nine, Death! Undercover..., Data, Oh baby! I want you more than the police want Chris Powell!, Tuvok and I went hunting. Before we all met up in Unspecified A we saw someone suspicious looking and followed him around for a while. Upon amalgamation of the troops we ventured forth to Unspecified B where we tried to make contact with FreeMuRa, this proved unsuccessful. Then we moved on to Deathwhisper who also seemed to be out. After leaving Unspecified B we again saw the suspicious individual from earlier so Two of Nine and I followed him some more unable to ascertain his identity we decided to stab him for good measure. (There are lots of incos so he must be one, right?) Turns out he wasn't inco or wanted but a live player so that went a bit awry but he was incompetent in the sense that he looked very suspicious and didn't notice us following him at all. Then we moved on to Unspecified C to try and find Kiwi Sin, he was in and we had a nice conversation for a while, then all went quiet, perhaps he climbed out the window. On leaving his room we encountered a person who told us Kiwi Sin didn't live here, he was then joined by a group of other people from the staircase all of whom, apart from the girls, claimed to be Kiwi Sin at different points. Then I got bored and shot them all for good measure on the grounds that one of them might have been Kiwi Sin, I don't know if any were on the grounds that they wouldn't say...

Death! Undercover... reports:

Today I joined some Police (Tuvok, Two of Nine, Kathryn Janeway, and Data, at various times), and we went and visited [UNSPECIFIED_STREET] for Deathwhisper. Who wasn't in. Then we went to [UNSPECIFIED_COLLEGE] and visited Kiwi Sin, whose neighbours were most unhelpful. Kathryn Janeway shot a couple of them, and they all denied being him.

Oh baby! I want you more than the police want Chris Powell! reports:

"Oh baby! I want you more than the police want Chris Powell!" is sadly not what Kiwi Sin said to some dudes today. In fact, he ran away.

[16:20 PM] Lt. Cmdr. Tuvok kills Guinan. With a sword. Umm... What sort of bizarre cross-over episode is this?
Tuvok reports:

After the previous failed attempts at legal assassinations I felt that a kill was in order. Grabbing my sword, I left base to scout for my victim- the only inco in the vicinity, Guinan. Approaching her place of residence I did a preliminary bypass and found, luck of luck, that not only was she in but also had the door unlocked and wedged open. This was too good. I was unexpected so any chance of a trap was low. Walking in I brought my sword down from on high and dispatched one of my inco brethren. In her dying breath, however, I caught the vague offer of a Kitkat- truly she was a worthy opponent!

Guinan reports:

My door was wedged wide open and Tuvok loomed with sinister intent. At first I was unsuspecting, but then as his sword gleamed in the moonlight (or corridor light - I never could tell them apart) and I knew that battle was imminent. I reached for my knife. But alas! I had been using it earlier to draw triangulated structural frameworks and it was no where to be found beneath a mass of paper. And so, I was slaughtered. My killer apologised. We made pleasant conversation. He graciously declined my offer of a kit-kat and was on his way.

[20:10 PM] Harrison Bowers (Kiwi Sin) is finally caught by Head Yeoman J. MIA Colt
Kiwi Sin reports:

So the Chief of Police with her minions paid a visit and stayed quite a while. Hours later, when going out to the kitchen to see some friends, I was shot upon returning by J. MIA Colt assassinating me with an evil brain. =) She then made sure I was dead by giving me some cyanide laced chocolate - very tasty!

[20:15 PM] After killing Michael Sargent (Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons), Head Yeoman J. MIA Colt and Lt. Cmdr. Saavik get into a firefight with Richard Andrew Robinson (Compo). J. MIA Colt is hit...
Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons reports:

I'm like sooo dead, it was awesome. This officer came at me and ripped out my own brain and then beat me to death with it, there was blood and bits of skull flying all over the place, it was epic!

The Umpire notes: "That doesn't seem physically possible!"

Saavik reports:

Saavik, J. MIA Colt and Killer Monkey once again ventured out to hunt down incompetent assassins. This time with even more success than Monday's outing!

Once again, we travelled to Clare Colony, there to seek the incompetent known as Michael Sargent. Upon gaining entry to his accomodation we found him in the kitchen drinking tea and oblivious to the police who had been waiting outside for him. J. MIA Colt struck a fatal blow with the killer brain. One inco down.

Next, another attempt in Kiwi Sin, but to no avail.

Finally, a journey to Memorial Court, Clare. Aptly named, for it was here that J. MIA Colt was viciously shot down by Richard Andrew Robinson. After this point, Richard believed both of us to be dead and thus engaged in conversation with us whilst each side retrieved its weaponry. However, Saavik was not dead and thus, once it was established that the incompetent assassin was not dead, killed him with a quick fling of her throwing knife.

Does this mean I can get the reward from Pontius Pilate for killing him?
[UMPIRICAL NOTE: That's up to Pontius to decide. Whoever he might be...]

Compo reports:

Hearing knock at door and fearing for me inco life, I loaded up my weapons and bounded out. Finding nee body around I decided t' go back t' me cuppa char as the assailants went into another hiding. I tried t' pull wool over eyes but someone opened door and we sprang into it.

Three fought, 'n' one lives, but it werrunt me!

J. MIA Colt reports:

The late J.MIA Colt had a short but eventful life. During her brief appearance in this world she bravely fought and killed the incompetent, gave out biscuits and chocolate. In her last hours she, assisted this time by the KILLER BRAIN, eliminated Harrison Bowers from Jesus. The KILLER BRAIN, being a clever brain, knew what the target looked like, so it flew from the shower where we hid when the unsuspecting victim was passing by. Then, J.MIA Colt and the KILLER BRAIN joined forces with Lieutenant Saavik. Together, we wandered in the night and rain to Clare colony, where the KILLER BRAIN found another victim, Michael Sargent, who was drinking tea in the kitchen. Anticipation of the chocolate cake lowered his guard, and KILLER BRAIN found him before he even reached his nerf gun lying on the table.

Satisfied with the kills, the KILLER BRAIN went into hibernation, however Lieutenant Saavik and J.MIA Colt decided to go for the bounty, and went to the Memorial court, where J.M.Colt was shot in the chest by Richard Andrew Robinson. She fought back, but too late. Her body is now cold... However Lieutenant Saavik avenged her death, and Richard Andrew Robinson lives no more.

[22:50 PM] Lt. Simon "Ghost" Riley speaks off the record...
Simon "Ghost" Riley reports:


2250 17/10/2010

I'm rather amused by the amount of interested in Deathwhisper when he is so close to striking distance, perhaps I should just take him out and put everyone out of their misery.

Lt. Simon "Ghost" Riley

Thursday, 18 November

[00:00 AM] The bounties really are stacking up now... Another one on the list.

"Spartacus" reports:
Today is placed a bounty on the head of Timothy "Tea" "timotiis" Kew M.A.

A bounty however, that can only be claimed if his assassin succeeds in such assassination through the use of a certain variety of cooking instrument.

The cooking instrument to be specific, is one of those large elliptical, often metal dishes, often using in the preparation of certain oriental dishes, e.g. stir-fry. I believe those in the know and the culinary business, call it a wok.

So that is the challenge put before you all by Spartacus: eliminate Kew, with a wok. But if his Umpireship declares woks an illicit weapon, then you shall not stoop to the moral low of the Durhamite, and clang it over his head with malicious intent. In this case, the kill of Kew can be made with a regular weapon of one's choice, while visibly using a wok at the time of kill, whether this be interpretive dance with a wok hanging around one's neck, or cooking with a wok in Mr. Kew's gyp room before the kill, but I will leave such things to your ingenuity and flair!

Bounty will be variant on how imaginative the assassin's use of a wok is and how entertaining Spartacus finds the associated kill report. The bounty will most likely be edible and delicious, and adaptable to your moral/medical leanings on appropriate foodstuffs/beverages.


The Umpire Notes:
In ordinary circumstances, metal weapons are entirely illegal, which would include this wok related murder.
HOWEVER, in this case, with Tea (Tim) Kew's permission, I am making an exception.
A wok will count as contact weapon with similar restrictions to a bang kill: you may only use it against Tea, it must be a surprise attack, and the wok must not be thrown or swung - just touch him with it.
If this is too difficult, I'm sure a wok can be involved in the murder via other means! For that matter, a cardboard and tin-foil wok would be entirely legal to use as a standard contact weapon.

[01:00 AM] And *Another* Anonymous bounty. This is getting out of hand.

The Association of Cambridge Criminals feels that the police presence this game has been far too overbearing. Therefore, they place a bounty of a bar of chocolate upon the head of every police officer, effective retroactively from midnight. Free Cambridge from police oppression!

[08:30 AM] The Wheel of Fortune cannot locate The Contessa

[12:45 PM] Lieutenant Saavik is slain by one Mr. Beverage
Saavik reports:

Whilst wandering around St John's, I happened upon the inco Mr. Beverage. As I was unarmed I decided I would make an attempt at gaining his trust before smiting him down at a slightly later date. I spoke with him, noting that he was carrying with him a nerf gun and seemed slightly edgy. The conversation naturally drifted towards the reason behind him carrying the weapon, at which point he enquired as to the nature of my involvement with the noble Assassins Guild. I responded "maybe", feeling confident that he, as an inco, would have done his research and noted that I was a member of the mighty police force (he did already know my name) and thus my death would not help him on his way to competency.

Alas, it was not so, and I was shot in the chest by the nervous incompetent.

Mr. Beverage reports:

As I was leaving my room at around 12.45 today, I spied Saavik lurking outside my door. She enquired as to the whereabouts of a certain Mr. Beverage, assuming for some reason that I was not he. I told her that he was out, and asked innocently if she planned to kill him; at the affirmative response, I immediately drew and shot my would-be assassin. Alas, it seems now that this may have been a somewhat hasty and ill-considered action. Oh well...

The Umpire notes:
Although Emily Room was not bearing when Mr. Beverage shot her, she was acting suspiciously at the time. Thus Mr. Beverage is not going wanted. However, he remains incompetent because, as I'm sure you all know by now, Police kills do not gain competence.

[17:30 PM] Borg Assimilator Two of Nine decides to go even more corrupt! After hunting Deathwhisper, FreeMuRa and The Contessa, he attacks Lt. Cmdr. Riker and the Alien Xindi
Two of Nine reports:

Vessels Detected. Unimatrix 1. 6. 5. Grid Sector 4. 6. 6. Alter course to intercept.

We are The Borg. Lower your shields and surrender your chocolate. Resistance is tasty.

The Umpire notes:
There is *not yet* a Police War going. Thus Police officers are not allowed to kill anyone that isn't corrupt, wanted or inco.
Thus Two of Nine's kills of Riker and Xindi are annulled.

[18:45 PM] Random Strategy works with Wheel of Fortune to eliminate Sean Tull (Foucault)
Random Strategy reports:

Random Strategy appears hopelessly ineffective at killing assassins. Maybe the problem comes from the type of randomness? Maybe, instead of using dice, he should use a spinning Wheel of Fortune? And this is exactly what happened: Random Strategy, the Wheel of Fortune, and a zombie (who in life was called David Pennefather) set off to kill an incompetent known as Sean Tull.

At around 6:45, the target arrived. He was then chased up the stairs, and Wheel of Fortune shot his arm off while he was trying to close the door to his room. The target tried thrusting his knife round the door with his other arm, but didn't hit anything; meanwhile, Wheel of Fortune was firing his gun through the crack, and Random Strategy was ordering his squad of miniature kamikaze planes to attack. David Pennefather found that zombies are not very good at fighting, and just tried to look menacing. Eventually, a brave kamikaze did his work and hit Sean Tull squarely in the chest, blowing him up in a large explosion.

Foucault reports:

At around 12:15 I headed to the college of the inco Mr. Beverage. After finding the room to his door locked I lurked around the area for about 20 minutes hoping to see him coming in our out of his room. I then knocked on the door. A voice asked who was there and I did not respond, but instead lurked further up the stairs hoping for him to reveal himself. Someone else then arrived and by listening to their conversation, unnoticed, I learned that the voice belonged to another assassin, and that Mr. Beverage was safe in the library. The other assassin then left. I now knew there were two assassins around, and intended to return tomorrow to kill Mr. Beverage, or the other if he bore arms to defend himself.
Sadly, this shall not come to pass. Whilst returning to my room from hall I was suddenly ambushed and wounded by a group of assassins, including Random Strategy, who then finished me off.

[21:30 PM] Lt. Cmdr. Simon "Ghost" Riley and Lt. Jean Rasczak team up with Deathwhisper to hunt Mr. Beverage, FreeMuRa and Two of Nine.
Simon "Ghost" Riley reports:


2130 19/11/2010

Went on an unsuccessful mission with the Task Force with Lt. Jean Rasczak and (former inco) Deathwhisper. Went to UNSPECIFIED_LOCATION at approx. 2130 hours and spent a completely unfruitful 30 minutes in UNSPECIFIED_COURT waiting for Mr. Beverage, unfortunately that was rather unsuccessful so we had to leave before the porters became too anxious. Location number two was slightly more promising despite Lt. Jean Rasczak inquiring about the target FreeMuRa as if said target was an old friend, getting the name wrong may have been a problem. Lt. Jean Rasczak then slightly redeemed himself by possibly spotting the target in a window whilst we lurked about. The target had removed all identifying name plates from the buzzers outside the front entrance and without floor plans we had no way of ascertaining if the slightly ajar first floor window descended into the targets room, an innocents room or a sheer drop to the ground floor. After a good twenty minutes Deathwhisper announced that he had to leave us. Not once did we see Deathwhisper's face, or heard him speak (indeed he communicated via a series of hand gestures, morse code and interpretive dance). Our final sojourn was to UNSPECIFIED_LOCATION where we scouted all around, and round the back, interrupting a couple who had obviously thought that the back of that building was a good "meeting" place. From through the gates we saw some fellow UNSPECIFIED_SUBJECTEERS (yes subjecteers) but not our target Two of Nine, corruption being in need of some serious amputation. Unfortunately, despite having UNSPECIFIED_SUBJECT_SPECIFIC_ACADEMIC_RELATED_ACTIVITIES with the UNSPECIFIED_SUBJECTEERS (yes labs) we had not become totally acquainted with them and had not obtained possession of the information of their numbers. Thus was attempt number three foiled and we retreated to watch Merlin and play Halo Reach, yes we have 5 supervisions next week.

Lt. Cmdr. Simon "Ghost" Riley

[21:30 PM] Sean Tull's corpse is not found by Themselves
Themselves reports:

Being rabbit unaware rabbit of his rabbit demise rabbit earlier in the day, I frequented the rabbit college of Sean Tull in the hope of finding him. Though neither him or his rabbit corpse was discovered.

Also I hope the wording of this goes in some way to compensate the previous lack of bunnyness.

Friday, 19 November

[00:00 AM] Sophie Reed jumps off the slippery slope into full corruption.
Sophie Reed reports:

Hello all, In light of my being corrupt, again, I have decided to revel in my corruption and embrace it. If you are not on the wanted list or haven't killed more players as a policeman than I have this game (yes I am including innocents so that brings me up to 5) you are on my wanted list.

Should you wish to join the dark side please let me know and I may take you off the list. Or I might hunt you down for the sheer hell of it.

Get out there and get killing,
Sophie Reed

Stardate 54973.4: In a devastating attack, a Borg Sphere attacks the USS Voyager and assimilates Captain Kathryn Janeway.

This is now a Police War, of sorts. Kathryn Janeway, and other corrupt Police Officers, may now kill competent Police. However, as Kathryn Janeway has stated, this is mainly to encourage the Police to hunt down the remaining incos. As a result, if I deem that a Police member that has been killed as being sufficiently active, I'll discount the kill.
Correspondingly, Police competence has now been decreased to 5 days.
Police members may email me to go Corrupt.

[01:00 AM] And yet another Bounty...

Pontius Pilate: Pewmit me to intwoduce my gweat fwiend BIG-Gus, DICK-Cus, who commands a Qwack Legion and indeed wanks vewy highly in Wome!

Biggus Dickus: Thank you, Pontiuth. And now for thome of thith juthtithe thenanniganth. For Thlaying, aththaththinating, or otherwith tranthmuting the following thubjectth into thauthageth, you will be therved with delithiouth comethtibleth!

1) Thilvinath Rimath of [Unthpethified_thmall_thtrange_College] becauthe Thargent Thnow-Goonth ith no longer with uth tho we've got one thpare packet of bithcuith!

2) Thybille Luhmann but only onthe the ailth from thicknethth, for thurviving thubthtantially longer on the incompetenthe lithte and having thilly theudonym bathed on thpudth. Aththaththinth Thlaughtering thith Thlothial Thientitht will thare two packeth of thucculent bithcuitth.

3) Januthth Thikorthki for thomewhat thcaring Thally Higthon and thlightly dithrethpecting UEthEth Enterpithe Thtarfleet Offither Thophie Thpork Thtilgar Oth ThmallDeer. Aththaththinth thevering thith oneth intethtinth into thauthageth can exthpect ath deththert three thupplementary packethth of thtunning thupreme and thuperlative luxthury bithcuitth from Markth and Thpentherth.

I mutht now thtop juthtithiering and paththing thententhe for today tho ath to thee to my thpouthe, Incontinentia Buttothth...

[02:00 AM] The Umpire has had enough.

There will be two more bounties set out tomorrow morning, both of which I have already received. However, after that I will not be posting any more offers of bounties, because at this point it is getting ridiculous. Especially since, thanks to Amy, we now have bounties on *everyone*.
So don't send me any more bounties, and I won't get trigger happy with the thunderbolts.

[09:05 AM] T3H 1337 K1LL3R killed Christopher Judge (Themselves)
T3H 1337 K1LL3R reports:

"B00M!1" ~ T3H 1337 K1LL3R on headshots (more accurately, torsoshots).

Themselves reports:

I was caught like a rabbit in headlights by an unknown assasin on my way to lectures. Unfortunately his waterbottle wasn't pet friendly.

On the other hand it says in the rules that you can't commit suicide so did T3H 1337 K1LL3R really kill Themselves????

[10:00 AM] The Borg Queen watches over as Two of Nine assimilates Tom Durrant (Mr. Beverage)
Two of Nine reports:

We are the Borg. Resistance would have been more fun...

Mr. Beverage reports:

I received my long-expected retribution for my incompetence today- struck down but a couple of steps from the safety of my lecture room.

[13:35 PM] The ghost of J. MIA Colt is not a Citizen Erased... But Andy Hopkinson (Citizen Erased) is.
The ghost of J. MIA Colt reports:

KILLER BRAIN ripped out another brain today, so the cleaners will have a hard time cleaning out bits of Andy Hopkinson's brain from walls and ceiling and floor of the corridor in the Department of the Material science.

Citizen Erased reports:

While constant vigilance protected this unit from assassins and recently police, it transpired that base treachery was sufficient to bypass my defences. Through use of a man on the inside, The ghost of J. MIA Colt was able to set a killer brain on me, it's unearthly powers erasing my existence in seconds.

Citizen (finally) Erased

[14:00 PM] The Borg Queen stabs The Umpire in the shoulder. The Q Continuum looks on.

So there I was, planning to have a conversation with my Chief of Police about her recent case of corruptness/assimilation, and she stabs me! I suppose I did see it coming, but still:

The Umpire: Bad CoP. No, sit, stay. That's it... OW! What was that for?!

Also, Sophie Reed? You stabbed me in the arm. That doesn't count for a kill. Not that it would anyway, since I'm the Umpire...

The Q Continuum reports:

We saw that, Borg Queen. Attacking The Umpire right in front of us. Tut-tut...

[15:50 PM] The Jackal's Jackalope Jacket wishes that Dancing Shadow and T3H 1337 K1LL3R were more obvious.
The Jackal's Jackalope Jacket reports:

The Jacket had another irritating (although thankfully less wet) hunting trip this afternoon. The roving eye of stabby death (incidentally, I'm thinking Eye of Sauron but more... gothy) clearly needs a monocle or something. Dancing Shadow and T3H 1337 K1LL3R - how would you feel about wearing bright fluorescent jackets in future? You are problematic to locate, and everyone loves Jackets.

[16:00 PM] Pillow lurks for R.101010 and Orange Potato, but comes up short.
Pillow reports:

Today I paid a visit to Orange Potato from [UNSPECIFIED] and R.101010 from [ALSO_UNSPECIFIED], waited ~25 minutes each time, no results.. Maybe next time I should take a book?

[17:55 PM] Phil Charles (The Jackal's Jackalope Jacket) learns not to bring a knife to a gun-fight. Particularly not against T3H 1337 K1LL3R.
The Jackal's Jackalope Jacket reports:

The Jacket returned to T3H 1337 K1LL3R's room and was heartened to discover that the lights were on! I had prepared a nice spiel about a short interview for a newsletter, but T3H 1337 K1LL3R was too suspicious to open the door. As I wandered off, I heard him climb out his window, so nonchlantly sauntered back towards the room. Unfortunately, something in my expression of crazed bloodlust must have given the game away - he was armed with a nerf gun and shot me down before I was within lunging distance. 'Boom, headshot!' etc.

T3H 1337 K1LL3R reports:

"D4MN B0T5 K33P R35P4WN1NG!" ~ T3H 1337 K1LL3R on killing waves of enemies in their droves.

[18:00 PM] Oh baby! I want you more than the police want Chris Powell! Apparently Orange Potato and Themselves don't want you back.
Oh baby! I want you more than the police want Chris Powell! reports:

Lurky lurky.

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