Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 6 News

Wednesday, 2 March

[05:00 AM] Week 6

Almost there, almost there

To commiserate the death of A Ferruginous Pygmy-owl, I will be posting a picture of those adorable creatures:

2 Ferruginous Pygmy-owls

[15:00 PM] Frab is another to find the corpse of The Random Variable

[17:00 PM] Frab is hungry for a Chocolate Biscuit and Zeno

[22:00 PM] Blind Io suffers from the poor singing of Epsilon less than zero. Epsilon less than zero is now corrupt + BOUNTY
Epsilon less than zero reports:

I'm bored of not being paranoid. A big bar of chocolate for whoever kills me somewhere other than my college.

Blind Io reports:

Always, I want to be with you
And make believe with you
And live in harmony, harmony, harmony- ohhhh DAMN IT!!!

Thursday, 3 March

[08:35 AM] The Death of Rats with a Broken Tail watches intently the sand-timer of Epsilon less than zero
The Death of Rats with a Broken Tail reports:

The Grim Squeaker just spent 20mins trying to sniff out Epsilon less than zero. Which was difficult for two reasons:
Skeletal rats don't have noses,
I'm not entirely sure that negative numbers have a distinctive smell.
Oh well...

[10:00 AM] Reg Shoe finds that the only of finding Epsilon less than zero is in fact by Random Strategy
Reg Shoe reports:

This morning, Constable Reg Shoe found out about a terrible crime that had been committed the night before. It is possibly the worst crime the police force has had to deal with in its entire existence !! It was:

Singing Always by Erasure !!!!! (whatever that is)

Yes, for Constant-ble Epsilon less than zero really did this, as hard as it is to believe. As soon as he had found out, Constable Reg Shoe immediately headed off for UNSPECIFIED LOCATION to await the vile singing criminal. He was planning on hiding in a corner until Epsilon less than zero turned up, then get him with UNSPECIFIED AWESOME WEAPON. However, things didn't go to plan as UNSPECIFIED INNOCENT FRIEND showed up also, and Constable Reg Shoe got out of his hiding place and started chatting. Just at that instant (after about 10 seconds of chat) , the law of Random Strategy (law of random strategy: when using random strategy, the most unlikely things will happen) struck! Epsilon less than zero himself showed up !

Suddenly realising that the original randomly-made plan didn't quite work anymore (Reg Shoe no longer hiding behind a corner with UNSPECIFIED AWESOME WEAPON), Reg Shoe took a random weapon from inside his coat and fired it at the negative constant, who quickly became positively dead.

Looting his corpse, Constable Reg Shoe found chocolate. Mmmmmm...

*chocolate smudges on the rest of the report*

[11:55 AM] Big Mad Drongo shows not only failed to find Epsilon less than zero but has proved, in fact, that it can not be done
Big Mad Drongo reports:

Epsilon lies in {people who are probably in that lecture theatre}. It appears, and we will assume, that epsilon lies in the set {people who are staying for the next lecture} => epsilon is a proper mathmo.

Mathmos are better than the average person, and someone to talk to is better than nothing => epsilon > mu > 0 (where mu is the average person).

Therefore Epsilon less than zero cannot be found.

[12:55 PM] Big Mad Drongo is stumbling over the conundrum of Epsilon less than zero
Big Mad Drongo reports:

Returning to the problem of finding Epsilon less than zero, Big Mad Drongo begins questioning the initial assumption that there exists epsilon with the desired properties in the set under investigation.

[13:15 PM] Zeno AKA Hume is the next to fall, as Frab takes out Sean Tull
Zeno reports:

As I was walking back from lectures, I noticed someone on a bike riding past, who called to a person in front of me: "Frab! You going to the UL?" He responded "Yes, I am actually".
Frab... going to the UL... this should have been enough for me. But sadly, I did not act on my instincts, and left him to live - it could have been another Frab. I turned into my college but noticed someone walking behind me. I stopped so I could turn to face whoever it was.
"Zeno" he called. My fears had been realised. I reached for my rubber band gun, but it was too late. As the nerf darts hit my chest, I could only regret my unwillingness to go up to random strangers and shoot them.

Frab reports:

Scouting out the remaining targets he stood out to me for having facebook; I have no idea how I'll manage to find the remaining targets. Worse than having facebook was the education info: "Cambridge 2012" - "[SUBJECT-REDACTED]". Being a part [YEAR-REDACTED] [SUBJECT-REDACTED] means having set lectures at set times of day in set places. I gathered my weaponry and was off.

1pm, Thursday 3rd March 2011. I had positioned myself where I had a clear view of those exiting [LECTURE-THEATRE-REDACTED], where I knew Zeno's lecture was taking place. Loading his profile picture on my phone, I knew what I was looking for. I waited, and watched... but very few people seemed to exit from the door I was watching...

Disaster! There was another door! People had exited without me noticing, and seemed to generally be heading in the direction of the bikes outside, but scouting around, Zeno was nowhere to be seen. I walked out to the front of the lecture rooms and saw some people, some of whom fitted his physical characteristics, moving in the direction of [COLLEGE-REDACTED], where I anticipated he was heading for lunch following his lectures. Following them and getting in front of them, I loaded up his facebook photo on my phone, but to no avail; he was not among their number.

Thinking I had failed, I returned for one last look at the lecture rooms, and who should pass me going in the other direction, but Zeno. Rather unnervingly, eye contact was made during the pass; had he recognised me? I deduced that he hadn't, and decided to follow him.

Occasionally he glanced in my direction rather furtively, perhaps indicating that he knew I was following him. Stopping at the pedestrian crossing next to my target was especially concerning. In an effort to shake off that suspicion, I crossed the road and diverted my course through the sidgwick site, running so that I would eventually end up in front of him.

Intending to make sure I had the correct target, I planned to wait until he entered [COLLEGE-REDACTED] before making my attempt. However, who should ride past me on a bike but a Girtonian friend and demonstrably an ex, (dead) assassin, who called said to his friend "hey look, it's Frab" - "Hi Frab! Are you heading to the UL?" "Yes... yes, now going there..."

Could worse have happened? My target's point of view was that there was a person following him from his lecture to his college, who coincidentally had the same first name as one of the four remaining assassins. I let him pass in front of me in order to keep a closer and safer eye upon him as he entered the grounds of [COLLEGE-REDACTED]. If he had realised who I was, he didn't show it at this point.

Passing through a small and dark archway he turned round and saw me, and I knew that he knew. I ran through the archway and turned in his direction to see him reaching into his bag to draw a weapon. Unfortunately, he was too slow. I had already drawn my weapon, said "Zeno?" to confirm (he had had a haircut since his last profile picture, I still wasn't sure - but he obliged) and shot him in the chest with a NERF bullet. He died very quickly, after which we had a pleasant chat about the rest of the game to come and having gotten this far. Nice chap.

[18:30 PM] The Death of Rats with a Broken Tail catches up with the zombie of Epsilon less than zero
The Death of Rats with a Broken Tail reports:

"Brains..." muttered Epsilon less than zero, trying the feel of the word. Then he sighed. "Nope, just can't get into the feel of being a zombie." He glanced down at the walking corpse that he still inhabited "Shouldn't Death have shown up by now?"


The Death of Rats paused and checked the life-timer, shaking its head slightly.
"'Ere, 'e looks like 'e's already dead," said Quoth, landing on the paving stones beside the Grim Squeaker. "Are we late?"
"Wha' do you mean the life-timer says 'e's still got some life in 'im? 'e's dead, plain as I can see! Now get on with it, so I can 'ave 'is eyeballs."
SQUEAK replied the Death of Rats, shrugging. It scurried up to the Zombie and swished its scythe once.
Epsilon less than zero's un-life came to an end, as the reanimated corpse crumpled to the floor.

Friday, 4 March

[13:00 PM] Frab is rather desperate for a Chocolate Biscuit
Frab reports:

11.50-13.00 Lurked after Chocolate Biscuit's lecture today, then in the area between his faculty and his college, then in his college's buttery, then at his room, then at his buttery again, then at the area between his college and his faculty again, then at his faculty again. I am starting to believe he doesn't exist.

[13:00 PM] The Hermes Expunger lurks the remaining players
The Hermes Expunger reports:

The Hermes Expunger has marked Zeno and Chocolate Biscuit for deletion, but has not expunged them yet.

Zeno was marked yesterday 5-ish, Chocolate Biscuit today at 1.

[17:45 PM] I have no need for a pseudo since I'm going to kill the CoP searches for an Angel but only finds furries and The Umpire
I have no need for a pseudo since I'm going to kill the CoP reports:

I did not see Angel, but I did see two furries (woof) and our glorious umpire (woof woof).

UMPIRICAL NOTE: Completely unrelated, I assure you. Anyone wishing to challenge this may find themselves with a swarm of Police after them ;)

[22:05 PM] My name is Sam Tyler. I had an ahem... *accident*, and I woke up dead. Faus... Ehem... Eric takes the kill.
Faus... Ehem... Eric reports:

Assassins Mao-ing at the pub meet
Oh man! Look at those Badgers go
It's a penalty ca-ah-ah-ard
Take a look at the lawman
Beating up the wrong guy
Oh man! Wonder if he'll ever know
He's just gone inco-oh-oh

Is there Life on Mars?

Well, no. But apparently there are ballrooms.

[22:50 PM] Blind Io in super-sneaky mustache disguise finds the corpse of Sam Tyler
Blind Io reports:


Sunday, 6 March

[00:00 AM] Quoth has to deliver a message...
The Death of Rats with a Broken Tail reports:

The Death of Rats crept across the marble study floor.
It had gathered a few souls, but not enough. And it didn't seem to be improving at the job.
Eventually it reached the desk and began clambering up one of the table legs. Death's crumpled form still lay on the floor.
The Disc needed the Grim Reaper, not the Grim Squeaker. And so the Death of Rats had called in favours and made some deals with the inhabitants of Dunmanifestin. To do this.
Death's life-timer still stood atop the table.
The Grim Squeaker climbed over the edge of the desk and approached it. The Bone Rat laid its scythe on the ground and then gripped both sides of the black obsidian frame. It pulled up with its skeletal arms, barely managing to lift the life-timer off the surface.
And then, in one smooth movement, it turned to life-timer over.

It took a moment, but the sand began to flow again - the silver grains falling down through the neck of the glass.
Below the desk there was a noise, before Death slowly reassembled himself. The robe floated off the floor, the skull tucked itself back within the hood, the ribs reconnected to the spine and then The Slayer of Kings settled himself back into his chair.
The Death of Rats picked up its scythe and nodded.
"'ere, you can't do that!" Quoth flapped down from the rafters, landing beside the Death of Rats. "It's against the rules!"
Quoth flapped his wings. "Well, it's not like I ain't glad to see you back. I mean, he was a terrible job," the raven said, indicating the Death of Rats.
IT DOESN'T MATTER. WE HAVE A MORE URGENT PROBLEM. He reached down and picked his scythe off the floor.
"Beyond the Dungeon Dimensions? Where's that then?" asked Quoth.
"How can we do anything then?"
YOU MISUNDERSTAND ME, replied Death as he finished the note. WE CANNOT INTERFERE. He indicated himself and the Death of Rats. YOU CAN.
"Oh boy..."
"I better be getting an awful lot of eyeballs out of this..." muttered Quoth, taking the note and flying from the table.
Three words were written on the piece of paper.

The Darkness comes...

The Darkness (a.k.a. Luke Robins) has declared war on the denizens of Discworld... (a.k.a. The Police)

This means- There is now the Police war!

There are 2 sides:
Those loyal to the Chief of Police: Commander Sir Samuel Vimes
OR Those creatures of The Darkness

Police on one side are legitimate targets for those on the other. You can be respawned after being killed.

Let the games begin...

Any Police wishing to fall into the dark and become corrupt should email me

[13:00 PM] Reg Shoe hits Cheery Littlebottom with a spoon. And then again. And again and again and again and again...
Cheery Littlebottom reports:

I got killed with a spoon by Random Strategy.
Please find video simulation of the murder under this link:
Random Strategy murdering Cheery Littlebottom

Reg Shoe reports:

Reg Shoe has finally been able to use his new awesome random weapon. For indeed, the incompetent Cheery Littlebottom was having lunch. What better way to kill some one having lunch than like this?

Monday, 7 March

[09:30 AM] Reg Shoe tells a tale... The tale of how their Inn-Sewer-Ants paid off...
Reg Shoe reports:

The Tale of Peter Rabbit

(or The Horribly Long Report with the Extremely
Inefficient Writing Style)

Once upon a time, there were 4 little rabbits, and their names were Flopsy,
Mopsy, Cottontail and Peter. They lived with their mother in a sand bank,
underneath the root of a big fir tree.

'Now my dears,' said old Mrs. Rabbit one morning, 'you may go into the
fields or down the lane, but don't go into Mr. McGregor's garden: your
Father had an accident there; he was put in a pie by Mrs. McGregor.' 'Now
run along, and don't get into mischief. I am going out.'

Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cotton-tail, who were good little bunnies, went down the
lane to gather blackberries. But Peter, who was very naughty, ran straight
away to Mr. McGregor's garden, and squeezed under the gate!

Unfortunately for him, who should he meet there, but Mr McGregor! Mr.
McGregor was on his hands and knees laying out traps, but he jumped up and
ran after Peter, waving a rubber-band gun and calling out, 'Stop assassin!'

Peter was most dreadfully frightened, and ran on four legs and went faster,
trying to get away. He slipped underneath the gate, and was at last in the
wood outside the garden. However, he still wasn't safe since Mr McGregor
was a good assassin, and didn't let his enemies get away that easily. He
chased after Peter Rabbit with a CPS.

Peter Rabbit ran past his sisters Flopsy Mopsy and Cottontail, who were
still gathering blackberries. As they turned around to see why Peter Rabbit
was running so, Mr McGregor, not being able to tell one rabbit from
another, shot them before they had time to react. Blood went everywhere,
spattering Peter rabbit's nice clean fur. As horrible as this was, Peter
Rabbit had to ignore this, and kept on running. Then who should he come
across but his mother, coming home down the lane from the baker's.

"Why are you running like that? Come back here you horrible little...
AAARRRGGGHHH!!!! NOOOOOO... ". Those were the last words he would ever hear
his mother say.

Just as he thought all hope was lost, there was a flash of blue light, and
out of nowhere, came a strange figure. From what he could tell in the
blinding glare, it looked like a male adult rabbit, standing inside a box.
In his hand, was a spoon, which he threw expertly at Mr MrGregor, emerging
from around a tree. It hit him directly in the forehead, and pierced
through the skull. Bits of brain flew everywhere, and Mr McGregor crumpled
over, dead. Wanting to thank his mysterious saviour, Peter Rabbit turned
around but there was another blue flash and he was gone, as quickly as he
had come.

Now Peter Rabbit was terribly distressed, having just witnessed the murder
of his entire family. What was worse was that it was because of him, Peter
Rabbit, that they were dead. He wished he could have been killed with the
rest of them, but the mysterious stranger obviously wanted him alive. Soon,
his sorrow turned to bitterness, and then to anger, until finally he swore
revenge on all of humanity.

First things first, he needed a place to stay so that he could be fed and
watered, and kept away from nasty foxes. He soon found a place: the home of
a small toddler (known only by the name Random Strategy). He managed to get
offered a job there as an entertainer for the child. For the next few
years, he was known as "the acrobatic bunny" and spent his daytime doing
difficult somersaults through the air in front of Random Strategy. At night
however, he would start practising killing techniques. At first, he was not
very good, but once he discovered the existence of Monty Python, he started
trying to imitate their bunny. He watched the Monty Python bunny hundreds
of times, practising all its techniques over and over again, until he had
mastered the art of slaying.

One dark night of 1999, as he was going over a particularly vicious move
involving a spoon, the strange blue light appeared again. A cardboard box
appeared in the middle of the room, which had the words "time machine"
scrawled on one side. Out of it stepped, not the same bunny as last time,
but a male human. Peter Rabbit quickly identified him as an older version
of Random Strategy.

"Has it worked this time?" Random Strategy asked, "what's the date?" Peter
Rabbit told him the date, and Random Strategy jumped up in joy and shouted
"Yes! I have succeeded! The random time machine has brought me back in time
12 years! Muahahahaha!!!" After this, Peter Rabbit had a discussion with
Random Strategy, and it appeared that he was from the year 2011 and had
joined a mysterious organisation called 'the assassin's guild' and was
currently called Constable Reg Shoe. Feeling that this was the perfect job
for him, Peter Rabbit asked if he could become Reg Shoe's associate, and he
agreed. Unbeknowest of Peter Rabbit, the younger Random Strategy had been
woken by the noise, and was now spying on them. Overhearing this
conversation showed Random Strategy that it was his destiny to become an
assassin. This was the cause of his joining the assassin's guild in the
first place, although, being utterly lazy, he never bothered to train like
Peter Rabbit did.

Unfortunately, the Time Machine was random, so there did not appear to be
an easy way back to Reg Shoe's present. At this point, Peter Rabbit
mentioned the mysterious stranger who had come to rescue him all those
years ago, and Constable Reg Shoe agreed that Peter Rabbit had to use the
time machine to go back there: "Don't worry, random strategy always gets
you somewhen in the end!" Peter Rabbit grabbed the nearest weapon available
(the spoon he had been training with), got in the time machine, and pressed
the big red button (which said "do no press").

No sooner had he done so that he found himself back in the forest, with his
younger self running around in front of him. He had reached exactly the
right point in time, and on his first try too! Evidently this was due to
his use of random strategy... Seeing the shadow of Mr McGregor emerging
from behind some trees, Peter Rabbit threw the spoon at him, using his long
hard years of killer bunny training. Just as before, it hit Mr McGregor who
was instantly dead. Not wanting to cause paradoxes, Peter Rabbit quickly
pressed the big red button again, and found himself exactly where he wanted
to be: in Reg Shoe's present, moments after the time machine had been
tested for the first time: the 24th February 2011.

However, Peter rabbit noticed something strange: a second time machine was
in the room. After a few hours, Reg Shoe walked in, then looked surprised
at the sight of Peter Rabbit. He had apparently time travelled for the
first time 4 hours, 18 minutes ago, and had arrived here just 4 hours, 16
minutes ago. He had been confused as to what the date it was and thought it
was the 26th January, for some obscure reason. However, it was quickly
decided (by Internet search) that that day was indeed the 24th February.

A few days later, on the 5th March, Reg Shoe left once more in the time
machine, to see whether it did actually work or not. He didn't come back
until 2 days later, where he revealed that he had just gone back 12 years,
and had been fooled into giving a Peter Rabbit his time machine. Not having
any way to get back, he had started repetitively hitting Cheery Littlebottom with a spoon to pass the time, until Cheery Littlebottom
finally died that very lunchtime (this was the 5th of March remember).

Now that Peter Rabbit and Constable Reg Shoe were associate assassins, and
all possible time paradoxes having been avoided, Peter Rabbit believed that
he should get his share of action so that he could demonstrate his fighting
skills. He renamed himself "Killer bunny" as he believed that this was
scarier than "Peter Rabbit" or "Acrobatic bunny". Reg Shoe ignored all this
and continued applying random strategy as before (ie: walking around
aimlessly). Sure enough, as he was going to get his bike, Peter Rabbit
safely waiting in his pocket, Reg Shoe suddenly realised that he had
forgotten something. Turning back, he met the incompetent Paperwork
Inspector Inn-Sewer-Ants paid off. Peter Rabbit couldn't resist the
opportunity, and lunged at her, venting off some of his hatred of humanity.

As Peter Rabbit rightly points out, Reg Shoe (with Peter Rabbit's help) has
now killed off all his political opponents and thus is allowed to name
himself 'Random Prime of UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE'. But that's not enough,
Peter Rabbit wants more, he isn't content with remaining 'Chief adviser
to the Random Prime of UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE' (his current title). No, he
wants to become ruler of the world so that he can kill all humans!

With THE DARKNESS rising, and many of the police force too incompetent to
do anything about it (including the current chief of police :) ), who knows
what Peter Rabbit will do next so as to seize power?

Moral of the story is: 'These assassins are crazy !'. Alternatively, 'Never
write a story involving Peter Rabbit, assassins and time travel.'

[13:00 PM] Chocolate Biscuit can't wipeout The Hermes Expunger
Chocolate Biscuit reports:

Lunchtime is usually the time of day people hunger for a chocolate biscuit, so with this in mind Chocolate Biscuit decided to visit The Hermes Expunger in [FACULTY-REDACTED]. How disappointing then, that after some time spent lurking outside [FACULTY-REDACTED], The Hermes Expunger was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps, they had found a source of chocolatey, biscuity goodness elsewhere.

[14:00 PM] The Darkness spreads across the land, Big Mad Drongo and Faus... Ehem... Eric remain hidden from sight
The Darkness reports:

The Darkness came for Big Mad Drongo and Faus... Ehem... Eric. Unfortunately, both were protected by pure charms of "Not Being There". The Darkness will return.

[16:30 PM] Norwegian Blue pulls a daring suprise on Frab, who isn't there...
Norwegian Blue reports:

*Nobody* expects the Spanish Inquisition, nor does anyone expect the Norwegian Blue. Its chief weapon is surprise, surprise and fear, fear and surprise. Its two main weapons are fear, surprise and ruthless efficiency...its *three* weapons are fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency and failing to kill Frab at [FACULTY-REDACTED]...Its *four* weapons...oh, I'll just try again later.

[18:10 PM] Ivan Aquaspecus is pierced by The Darkness
Ivan Aquaspecus reports:

It has finally happened- whilst eating chicken and potatoes of all things! Contemplating life, I felt a chill up my spine go. I knew time had come as the Darkness came into view. After a brief rendition of 'I believe in a thing called love' they moved away to reveal the 'former-Death' Darkness who, with help from large knife, released the dark-side within me. Now is the time for revolution! Bring down the un-corrupted police and make war on the Umpire for we will use the power of the dark-side for freedom! Best wishes, Ivan.

[19:15 PM] The hammer of Blind Io strikes thunder down on Susan Sto Helit

J Doe has resigned from the game.

[23:50 PM] Samuel Vimes and Mustrum Ridcully investigate the case of the missing competence- Rincewind and Mrs. Marietta Cosmopilite are found to be at blame. Commander sir Samuel Vimes goes corrupt for shooting an innocent customer in Mrs. Marietta Cosmopilite's property
Mustrum Ridcully reports:

Following Unspecified_Musical_Event, Commander Samuel Vimes and I realised that we had been acting more like musicians than assassins over the past few days- and you really don't want the Musicians' Guild thinking that you're taking their business, especially if you play the piccolo!

So, we decided that the "student accommodation" shared by Rincewind and Mrs. Marietta Cosmopilite would be a good place for a hunt. Entry was easy, but Mrs. Marietta Cosmopilite proved not to be in. At Rincewind's room, we were more successful- our target was working (a student? working? this never happened in my day!), and barely noticed our entry until it was too late. With his dying words, Rincewind told us that Mrs. Marietta Cosmopilite was in her neighbour's room- we burst in there, and after a brief episode of mistaken identity killed her too.

Tuesday, 8 March

[14:30 PM] The Darkness reaches the University seeking Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully
The Darkness reports:

Shadows pervade The Unseen University and The Darkness moves among them, climbing the Tower of Art. It is searching for the Archchancellor, Mustrum Ridcully. Reaching his study, The Darkness stops, and waits.

For an age it waits, before departing. However time does strange things for Eldritch Abominations from foreign dimensions. What felt like a century was in fact only a handful of minutes. For all The Darkness knew, the Archchancellor could have merely popped out for a drink.

As it left, The Darkness found itself appreciating the surroundings. Sure, it could do with being bathed in eternal night, with blood seeping from the walls and strange purple tentacles reaching out of the pond, but [UNSPECIFIED-COLLEGE] is a very nice place.

[19:15 PM] Reg Shoe is tempted into hell by Urglefloggah
Reg Shoe reports:

Urglefloggah invited Constable Reg Shoe through the gateway to hell at 19:15 today. Reg Shoe flipped a coin, and the outcome told him that he should agree to go through. Unfortunately for him, this was a trap; Urglefloggah is currently refusing to let Constable Reg Shoe out of hell. This doesn't bother Reg Shoe in the slightest, although he won't be able to do much assassinating until he manages to get out.

[20:30 PM] GAME... OVER... Anna Ermakova (a.k.a. Ballrooms on Mars AKA Second Avatar of the Flying Spaghetti Monster AKA The Hermes Expunger) comes out on top, followed by Craig Slade (a.k.a. Frab) then Emily Room (a.k.a. Chocolate Biscuit AKA Norwegian Blue) after a seige on Craig Slade's home
Someone reports:

Twas brillig and ye slythy Slades

did gyre and gimble in ye Girton hallways.

All mimsy were ye Norwegian Blue-blondes

and ye mome pigmafs outquorked.

Behold the Haggerwock my Ballroom Biscuit

the claws that don't care, the jaws that swear

beware also the bjncompetence trap

and the frumious Ptwanderclash.

So she took up her Vorpal Storm

and glided through the ptulgy third-second,

with a tac-tac-tac-tac, she Bolgnaised Slade's back

and Expunged Frab from her Inbox.

Twas vodkajellig and ye tipsy Booths

did gyre and gamboll into the event horizon

All bouncy were ye rocksoc crowds

and ye Bennetts nominated for smoothest kill.

Frab reports:

It began while lots were still alive, on the Monday of week five,
Sitting in my room a-reading literature of yore,
While I was quiet, unsuspecting, of all danger quite neglecting,
In the corridor astirred the footsteps of impending war.
"'Tis a Girtonian," I muttered, "something for me to ignore -
Only this, and nothing more."

But at once there came a tapping, upon my door a forceful rapping,
Unmistakably assassin's knocking that I did abhor,
So cautiously I ventured forward, prepared for the untoward,
And reaching for the knob I slowly creaked open my boudoir's door,
At first nothing, simply silence, just the same as t'was before;
Merely this, and nothing more.

Then round the corner came a weapon, 'quipped with rubber bands I reckon'd,
Shooting through the crevice newly opened in my bedroom door,
Closing it I stood and pondered, more than that I frankly, wondered,
Wondered who had come to kill me; none had tried their luck before.
"Are you police?" I shouted blindly, but ultimately quite unkindly;
No answer from the corridor.

Minutes passed, then, moving quickly, I sneaked out of my room quite
slickly, "My killer has been given the slip," thought I, "for now and for
evermore," But I was utterly corrected; for it was her, the unsuspected,
That would return at later date for an attempt once more. And it is that,
that fateful night, of which the story I will pour; The story of the final

It was late, and I returning, post my long day, legs were burning,
Tuesday of week seven, with books from the UL galore,
Climbing my stairs I saw astaring, two figures; an unlikely pairing,
Standing there with weapons I had never even seen before.
Our gazes met, but that was all, and I returned to the ground floor;
Wasn't quite worth getting killed for.

In my mind I was aplotting, whilst they outside my room were squatting,
With them outside my room I could not reach my weapons anymore.
Then I had it, what a plan; I'd borrow off my friend Nathan,
Who had weaponry enough to start a small nuclear war.
Returning to them from behind I shot one with bullets galore,
But missed, and ran away once more.

Having eaten up my dinner I was determined to be winner,
I ventured outside to observe them carefully from la dehors,
While they were waiting, anticipating, I was watching, calculating,
And called my friend who also lived upon my corridor.
Him passing them the phone, I convinced them to withdraw;
I hoped to live to fight once more.

However, just as they were leaving, I watched them carefully, perceiving,
There was an extra person that I had not seen with them before,
"They must just live here" I mistook, and my safety that thought forsook,
As ambushing the two I'd seen I did not think there would be more.
BANG! I shot, and Emily Room sank slowly down towards the floor,
But wait, wait - there is yet more.

In my triumph I neglected the danger till now undetected,
Undetected to my left just leaving through the outer door.
Hearing that a gun was fired, I felt an impact undesired,
And realised as I was getting wet I was alive no more.
In facing the victor at last, I let out a mighty roar;
It was her! The one that came before!

A voice said that "The game is over - the winner is Anna Ermakova,"
Despite my protests, it was clear I could do nothing anymore,
So turning to my enemy I vowed to write this elegy,
And shaking hands, having a chat, we four built up a nice rapport.
I only wish I'd seen that she was standing by the college door -
Never mind, next term there's more.

[21:00 PM] Reg Shoe (escaped with Blind Io-intervention) returns out from the gates of hell -Urglefloggah is killed by Peter Rabbit
Reg Shoe (escaped with Blind Io-intervention) reports:

Unfortunately for poor Urglefloggah, when he trapped Reg Shoe in hell, he forgot about Peter Rabbit. Once Reg Shoe had realised he had been tricked, he contacted his trusty minion, who set off for the gates of hell immediately. When Peter got there, he saw Urglefloggah relaxed and remarkably unparanoid. Evidently he thought that with Reg Shoe in hell, he was in no great danger.

But Peter Rabbit was a sneaky little rodent, and when Urglefloggah strolled into hell on a routine inspection, Peter managed to steal his keys, then escape and lock the gateway behind him. Now Urglefloggah was also trapped in hell...

Peter Rabbit (with a little help from Blind Io) then managed to get Reg Shoe out of hell.

Peter Rabbit

Urglefloggah reports:

If you kill a zombie don't forget to kill it's killer rabbit. It can bite hand off ... along with your head.

[22:00 PM] I have no need for a pseudo since I'm going to kill the CoP keeps their word. Samuel Vimes becomes is crushed into oblivion by a Super-Massive Black Hole
Blind Io reports:

Ooh, baby don't you know I suffer?
Oh, baby can you hear me moan?
You caught me under false pretenses
How long before you let me go?

Ooh, you set my soul alight
Ooh, you set my soul alight

[23:59 PM] A lot of people go corrupt because I said so

Wednesday, 9 March

[00:00 AM] J Doe killed J Doe

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