Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 2 News

Wednesday, 26 October

[11:00 AM] HAL OGEN goes looking for Mary Moo Cow but they aren't in.
HAL OGEN reports:

On the 26th instance at 11am, I did attempt to take the life of Mary Moo Cow, but was foiled by him Not Being In.

[13:30 PM] Mario Balotelli(Rajkumar Sarujan) gets caught out by Ganon and stabbed.
Ganon reports:

Sometimes the internet is fantastic. Had I not learned from the [COLLEGE-REDACTED] JCR page that my mark's nickname was Ram, I would have not made the kill I did today. As my accomplice and I walked down [STREET-REDACTED] with aim to greet Rajkumar Sarujan with a drawn blade at his accommodation, he passed us with a hoodie marked ' JCR - Ram'. I saw my chance. I tore down the street, winding through the crowd, plastic dagger drawn, and as blade met back I passed on the two most haunting words for an assassin to hear... "you're dead".

Mario Balotelli reports:

Stabbed in the back (figuratively) by a fellow college member who gave away my location and let me be stabbed in the back (literally). Fireworks ensued. Why always me?

[14:25 PM] This was also made up by the Umpire. But I'm not making up Tinky Winky's attempt on This was also made up by the Umpire's life.
Tinky Winky reports:

After carrying out my first two kills in an identical, and rather boring, manner, I was very aware of the fact that I needed to try something a little more interesting to restore my honour, and so I hatched a cunning plan with my trusted accomplice La-La. The luck of the Gods was with us again as we by pure chance met a friend outside the target's accommodation, who allowed us entry. After a quick search, we tracked down the right room, and I set up an ambush with a Nerf gun as La-La knocked. We weren't prepared however for the quick thinking of This was also made up by the Umpire, who used the door as a Nerf Gun shield and retreated back into his room as soon as he saw me. A tense fire fight ensued, me with a Nerf gun, This was also made up by the Umpire with a banana, but Tinky Winky's most powerful weapon is the element of surprise, and with that removed I decided to make a tactical retreat after a few badly aimed shots. You win this round This was also made up by the Umpire, but I shall be back again when you least expect it.

[16:10 PM] WASPOOOR!!!! Killer Bug 2 and Killer Bug 3 sacrifice mz/x(Balazs Torok) to their god.
Killer Bug 2 reports:

Having successfully infiltrated the fleshlings' university, Killer Bug 2 and Killer Bug 3 set forth to kill some of the meaty humans picked as particularly likely to bring the weak hairless-monkey society crashing down.

Our first target was in [UNSPECIFIED HUMAN HIVE]. Outside the entrance, we paused-

"Bzzzt," I said.

"Click-click bzztclick," came the reply.

"Bzzt bzztclick clickbzztclick?"

"Bzzbzz clickclickbzzt..."

"Bzzt," I replied, finality heavy in my mandibles.

One hand reached forward to knock on the door, and I prepared my weapons- and when the shifting inside became the click of an opening door, I used the fleshling death-stick I had acquired through nefarious means involving a cove filled with mind-affecting drugs to slay the meatbag and offer down his soul to our dread, sleeping god. Then I laid eggs in his spine.

We continued to [DIFFERENT UNSPECIFIED FLESHSACK HIVE], where we attempted to lure our next quarry out. Something in our manner must have put him onto us, however, as he asked who we were- Killer Bug 3 put on her best monkeyvoice, and we got away safely.

One enemy dead, one soul taken, one body full of tiny little killer bug eggs. A good day.


Killer Bug 3 reports:

Killer Bug 2 and Killer Bug 3 headed off to hunt out the shaved monkeys in an attempt to bring down their pathetic planet. Unfortunately, the second would-be casualty of this great enterprise proved too paranoid- as well humans should be, being pink and fleshy, unlike the bug empire! Anathema stayed hidden in it's hive.

[17:00 PM] Commander Keen shoots something he is supposed to - a Frog (Raphael Proust)
Commander Keen reports:

One cannot possibly overestimate the importance of safety whilst being naked. This is the reason why I was able to fend off a vicious assassin who tried to kill me when I left the shower today at around 5. A towel being the only protection against hostile looks, it was a quick shot with my watergun that really kept me safe. Therefore, I took a satisfying post-shower bath in the blood of my enemies. Unfortunately, I did not ask for the name of the assassins, but then, asking names in an advanced state of undress has to be awkward.

Frog reports:

After seeing Commander Keen go into the wanted list I was decided to shoot him. I had been doxing and stalking him long enough and I didn't wanted that to go to waste on the account of some police agent doing their job.

Before I could reach the door handle Commander Keen shot me in the face with his water cannon. The guy's trigger happy, no wonder he killed these innocent souls.

[19:50 PM] Killer Bug 2's (Gregory Andrew Weir) weakness shows as Brandy shoots him and Waspor takes his soul.
Killer Bug 2 reports:

Expecting a cunning plot when I was told a fleshling had had his dropped fleshling card dropped through my hive's letterbox, I nevertheless chose to ensure this was not the case. Unfortunately, one of the oblivious meatbags with whom I share the hive was present, so I couldn't control the situation with the guile expected of an infiltrating insectbeing.

Words of meatsack conversation was exchanged, when suddenly the enemy drew his weapon and, in a flash, shot me.

As my life ebbed away, my consolation was that this was proof that I am weak, and the strong go on in strength...

*sounds as of Waspor consuming the soul of a dead devotee*

[22:00 PM] Tiny goes looking for Cobler
Tiny reports:

Knocked on Tiny's door as the sign said (finally) he was in. Lights on, looking hopeful. However, my timing was off and he appeared on the stairs behind me. On realising who I was and finding himself weaponless, he issued an expletive and bolted. I made a mental note to upgrade from a knife to a gun. Assassination failed.

[23:00 PM] Morgan leaves a tactical note for a tacticallemon
Morgan reports:

went to kill tacticallemon at 11:00 with assistance. he was not in but we left a death threat won his kitchen table.

[23:26 PM] Wichita kills a Real Saint (Neil Satra)...with a scythe!.
Wichita reports:

I assassinated Neil Satra at approximately 11:26pm using a scythe in the common room of [COLLEGE-REDACTED].

Thursday, 27 October

[09:55 AM] The Umpire made up this pseudonym but nobody is making up Jack Williams's death at the hands of Amun Ra.
Amun Ra reports:

Know the power of an immortal soul.

[10:00 AM] Harriet Jones (Ewa Muszynska) is inexplicably killed off by The Steven Moffat Plothole Monster
The Steven Moffat Plothole Monster reports:

I killed the wanted police member Ewa Muszynska, I'm not going to explain how or why and just ignore that it happened, hoping that everyone forgets that I haven't explained it. Also perception filters. Perception filters are always the answer.

[12:00 PM] A Wandering Minstrel teams up with a Cookie-monster, but neither get any kills
A Wandering Minstrel reports:

Thursday 12.00ish: I set out with my partner in crime Cookie-monster to track down and potentially kill a few fellow assassins.

12.05ish: We work our way through the winding corridors of [COLLEGE-REDACTED], only to discover a thoroughly locked door blocks our path. Alas!

12.15ish: Rain starts. We abandon hopes and plans alike, leave the college and decide to head back to our respective hides.

12.25ish: On the way back, we decide to enter the hallowed grounds of [COLLEGE-REDACTED] to track down yet another potential victim.

12.26ish: We find the room. We stand outside. A feeling of mutual panic envelopes us both as we realise that we have no plan.

12.27ish: A confused and as such useless combination of plans all attempt to enact themselves at once. My fellow potential assassin knocks on the door. A muffled answer of "who is it?" floats through the woodwork. I turn to hide in case he comes out. My friend mutters something about being lost then moves back himself. I take this as a signal to beat a hasty retreat. He takes my retreat as a signal to beat a hasty retreat.

12.28ish: We walk out of the building feeling sheepish and stupid.

[12:00 PM] Count Zachary was counting on finding Reginald, he doesn't.
Count Zachary reports:

After discovering my target's timetable, I waited outside the lecture room as it was about to end. I carefully scanned the stream of students coming out, but my target unfortunately managed to elude my sight.

[12:30 PM] fdztxs has some advice for would-be assassins.
fdztxs reports:

Being "a little lost" is not the best of excuses. My door remained locked.

[13:20 PM] Pablo (Elizabeth (Lizzy) Perkins) gets pwned by Aaron Domnoob
Aaron Domnoob reports:

Greetings. I am the mighty Domnoob and I own noobs. Anyway, I've heard that the first step in any multiplayer game is to join a guild so I created my own guild (called Noob), which will of course be the best. So I sat down and started asking everyone whether they wanted to join my guild or not but they were all noobs and walked off. Some even started claiming that Noob was a stupid name for a guild and that no one will ever join it! Fools! They'll see... So then I had a brilliant idea and went to the wand shop and bought myself a new wand. Since I didn't have enough money, I could only the afford the cheapest (cardboard, twelve and a quarter inches, with a paper core, flimsy) so I got that. Now the mighty Domnoob has a wand that will destroy all who dare to oppose him! Tremble before the terrible majesty of Aaron Domnoob!

Anyway, I went back to recruiting allies so as to create the best guild ever! I had heard that Elizabeth (Lizzy) Perkins might want to join so I went to [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] to find her. I found her in her room, and before she could escape like all the other fools who threw away the opportunity to join the mightiest guild in Cambridge, I shouted "Stupefy" while waving the wand at her and the spell hit her. Haha! Domnoob owns his first noob! Since I actually wanted her conscious so that she could join the Noob guild, I tried to remember the spell for making people conscious, and said "Obliviate" while waving my wand again. Unfortunately, it turns out that that isn't the correct spell, and Elizabeth (Lizzy) Perkins lost all her memories, including that of ever being an assassin.

Now, I can't have an amnesiac in my awesome guild, so I had to leave without recruiting her. I wonder whether having lost all memory will affect her degree? Since her prospects as an assassin seemed bleak (having no memory of who her targets were, or knowledge of her Hermes account), I decided to send her in the direction of the police station, since I knew that they will recruit anyone, even people who have no idea who they are or what they are supposed to be doing. She may or may not find her way there but it is no matter for me, because I am powerful and I will soon be at the head of the number 1 guild of all of Cambridge, and then I will pwn noobs all day.

So noobs, what are you all waiting for? Join the Noob guild now so that I will be even more mighty than I am now!

[15:00 PM] Discord seeks to cause disorder in the Cabinet by killing Prime Minister Harriet Jones, only to find she's already dead.
Discord reports:

I went to the room of Ewa Muszynska today to sort out that frightful Corrupt police officer, only to find some pesky agent of law and order had already disposed of her this morning! This information was only imparted after I had taken down the errant officer with my own weapon, of course. Ah, never mind. I shall have to consult my Magic 8-Ball for my next move.

[16:05 PM] King Arthur Pendragon has slayne Crispy (Jin-Xi Yuan) in bataill
Arthur Pendragon reports:

Soone after that kyng Arthur was come / from Camelot to Grant bridge / thenne he herd of another knyght that dyd plotte treson ageynst hym / who hyght [Jin-Xi Yuan]

Arthur spoke of this with quene Gweneuer / This knyght knowe I wel sayd gweneuer / and his custome is to lye in [UNSPECIFIED DEPARTMENT] to Iuste and tourney / every iv daye of the weke / Thenne Arthur made grete Ioye for this tyding / Thys fals knyght shalle dye by my hand this day sayd the kyng / And Gweneuer bad him goo with goddes blessynge

Arthur cam to the felde of [UNSPECIFIED DEPARTMENT] and sawe [Jin-Xi Yuan] mounte vpon hys stede / Arthur ranne to hym and chalengyd hym to wage bataill / and in that quarel Arthur smote the knyght so hard that he felle doune dede / Thenne Arthur kneled doune and thanked god / that he ouerthrewe the fals knyght [Jin-Xi Yuan] / I wylle not reste said Arthur / til that all such vylans are slayne

[16:45 PM] Morgan decides to rid the game of a potential Cereal Killer (Andrew Kiddey (Andy))
Morgan reports:

At roughly 4:45 I killed Andrew Kiddey (Andy) with a clean shot to the head as he opened his door. after being shot the target yelled in dismay and jumped face first onto his bed I left whistling he then followed confused. the apparent cause of the confusion was that he though i was part of something else, because there are so many groups of people who point gun shaped objects at you and shout bang.

[18:00 PM] Ben Elliott and Rachael Booth decide to go after the wanted criminal Commander Keen
Rachael Booth reports:

We, in a joint fit of boredom, decided to take a break from the evils of work and go after the Wanted Commander Keen. Sadly, after a knock on what appeared to be the door, followed by a few knocks on the /actual/ door and a bit of hanging around, he did not surface - it is unknown whether he was not there or simply heard us coming. We left as a neighbor ascended the stairs looking mildly confused.

Friday, 28 October

[11:00 AM] Tiny goes looking for Red
Tiny reports:

Visited Red again. Knocked but no response. Waited for half an hour. Assassination failed as target wasn't in.

[13:00 PM] The Jazzy Hippogriff goes on a quest to slay Arthur Pendragon! Wait, what?

[15:00 PM] Discord is foiled by Mega Super Ultra Extra's and Geekslashfool's locked doors.
Discord reports:

I had hoped to assassinate a target today who was actually still alive. Unfortunately, I was defeated, not once but twice by my nemesis; a locked door, which stood in the way of my attempts to take out Mega Super Ultra Extra and Geekslashfool. I'll have to try again when they're feeling a bit more sociable.

[15:30 PM] Brewy kills Blinky (Rich Crichton), but doesn't get Commander Keen or Aaron Domnoob
Brewy reports:

Today I journeyed to [COLLEGE-REDACTED] in order to make a devilish attempt on the life of Aaron Domnoob. Sadly my lack of a [COLLEGE-REDACTED] key card meant I was unable to enter his staircase and brew up a storm.

After this I, driven by pure rage at the merciless killing of incidents, found myself knocking at Commander Keen's door! Sadly he either wasn't in or hiding away.

Finally I (at 15:30) managed to enter the hallowed grounds of [COLLEGE-REDACTED] where Rich Crichton resides. I am happy to report that he has no life left in him.

[15:40 PM] Useless tries to kill Chanandler Bong, but ends up having a conversation. Assessment of assassin? Useless!
Chanandler Bong reports:

With admirable persistentcy, Useless once again came looking for me. Upon finding the locked door to my accommodation building quite impregnable, we proceeded to make pleasant conversation through an upstairs window. Eventually I gave chase, but to no avail, he managed to escape.

[15:54 PM] Her Royal Highness Queenie (Melanie Mertesdorf) has been slain by the villainous Don Salvatore.
Don Salvatore reports:

There I was, in an unspecified location, doing some work. If I remember rightly, I was calculating the most efficient way to bleed someone dry. Suddenly, my attention was diverted. The girl sitting opposite me had just made a fatal error, placing her (named) supervision work on the desk in full view. I recognised her name - by chance, I had found one of my targets! Praising the gods for this outrageously good luck, I waited until she went back to her college. Then, in a slightly stalkerish way, I followed her until she was out of sight of the crowds... Theory became reality, and I stabbed her ruthlessly in the kidneys.

[16:00 PM] 42nd Pseudonym Invented By The Umpire (Victoria (Vicki) McAvinue) kills Rachael Booth, and then gets shot by Anathema
Rachael Booth reports:

In an unwary and tired moment, I opened my door to a knock and a strange face...and was killed before I could say a word. My assassin, however, remained at my door for a while, and was showing off her weapon when my trusty guard Fluffy Killer Adipose, wielded by a friend Assassin Anathema, flew through the air and struck her in the chest, devouring her, in a devotional avengement of my demise.

In short, I was killed by 42nd Pseudonym Invented By The Umpire at 9:30pm today, but Anathema killed her while she was still bearing.

Anathema reports:

This evening, I was inside a room of a fellow Assassin (Rachael Booth), discussing the beauty of mathematical bijections and vegetarian risotto. Suddenly, we heard a knock at the door. Before I could stop my companion, she strode over and flung open the door. In a flash of roughly a seventh of a second, a ruler was thrust through her ribs by an unwanted intruder. All I could do was stare as her life ebbed away and she made idle conversation with the Assassin (Victoria (Vicki) McAvinue). Inspiration struck, and I started searching Rachael's room for something I could use to avenge her. I came across a knitted ball of pure fat labelled "Fluffy Killer Adipose", and the plan was complete. Before Vicky had had a chance to hide her wicked ruler of death, I grasped my only chance and flung the menacing little creature into her face. She barely had time to gasp in fear before the Adipose had sucked the life out of her, and left her an empty bag of bones outside the door. My friend had been avenged, and the Assassin had become the assassinated. I have finally become a true Assassin.

[19:40 PM] 'Tis but a flesh wound'! Well, Trafalgar Law (James Hartley) died...but it's still just a flesh wound!!
'Tis but a flesh wound' reports:

I had another visitor tonight; he knocked on my door and tried to stab me, so I shot him. Twice. Before he succumbed to his wounds, we had time for a quick chat, I believe his name was James Hartley. It's a shame he didn't stay (alive) long enough for tea.

[20:04 PM] The Government has changed the law regarding Iron Storm (Tom Norris): they're now dead.
The Government reports:

Today I headed to [COLLEGE-REDACTED] with my trusted accomplice, the Prime Minister. The porters were delightfully eager to help us find our victim's court and we were pleasantly surprised to find out that we could enter his building without the use of a card or key! Tom Norris should have seen this coming. We went to the top floor where he lives and found his room. We knocked and knocked but nobody answered. Was he expecting us? Was he waiting for us to retreat before attacking us himself? We figured it was more likely he wasn't in the room so we left a note "You survived this time!". We started making our way downstairs when the Prime Minister said "You should have called out his name as well. Who knows, he might have been in the shower." So we went back. On our way we saw a person heading to his room. Surely he was too tall to be him, his facebook pictures not doing him justice, but I called out "Hey Tom". On seeing that he turned around I stabbed him with my pen-knife 4 times, he would not survive this time!

[21:10 PM] 'Tis but a flesh wound'! But once again, nobody died.
'Tis but a flesh wound' reports:

Having cunningly located my prey Raver at [COLLEGE-REDACTED] and cunningly found my way past the Porters, I cunningly waited for someone I could cunningly mislead into letting me in. But after cunningly lurking for a while and running out of cunning disguises, the absence of people lead me to postpone my cunning plan for another day.

[21:45 PM] Morgan and Zop the Exploding Beetroot discover that Useless (Tim Squirrell) is good at one thing - dying.
Zop the Exploding Beetroot reports:

I, Zop the Exploding Beetroot, with accomplice Morgan, paid a visit to Useless of [COLLEGE-REDACTED], with malicious intent. We learned valuable information from his forthcoming block-mates, and returned after an unsuccessful visit to tacticallemon of [COLLEGE-REDACTED] to finish the job. We laid in wait in a dark corner opposite his room, amusing ourselves with shadow puppets. When he finally came, he unlocked his door without seeing us. I attracted his attention and he, while in considerable shock, was promptly shot with a nerf gun.

He then proceeded to remove his trousers and dress as strawberry.

[23:10 PM] Mega Super Ultra Extra fails to get fdztxs
Mega Super Ultra Extra reports:

Access. Denied.

Saturday, 29 October

[07:30 AM] Biscuit goes hunting for Amun Ra
Biscuit reports:

Made an attempt on the life of the elusive Amun Ra early this morning by the means on waiting outside his door and occasionally knocking the hopes that he would come out.

He did not.

[10:12 AM] A Cyborg Ostrich is on the rampage, though it hasn't killed anyone yet.
Cyborg Ostrich reports:

I report two unsuccessful hunting trips I made this morning into the territories controlled by Telganistico and Count Zachary respectively. Both were out.

[12:00 PM] Reginald (Rebecca (Becky) Bowen) is slain by Count Zachary
Count Zachary reports:

I went in search of Reginald, after ascertaining the lecture she would be at. I lay in wait, eyes fixed upon the exit to the lecture theatre. Eventually my time came, as the first trickle of people came out. My eyes furiously scanned their faces, hoping my target's would be among them. At last, I had found them. She seemed distracted, talking to friends. I slowly crept up behind her and left her the gift of a knife in her back. I left satisfied, having claimed my first life.

[12:45 PM] In his house in [MYSTERIOUS-PLACE-REDACTED] dead Cthulhu lies dreaming of killing Fusilli
Cthulhu reports:

Cthulhu's mind found itself in [UNTRANSLATABLE-COLLEGE-NAME-REDACTED-FOR-YOUR-SAFETY-|-TRYING-TO-READ-THIS-LANGUAGE-COULD-SEND-YOU-INSANE]. Tendrils of thought crept through the grounds, seeking to destroy the mind of Fusilli.
But again, the Dark God's dinner plans were thwarted. A group of scholars were enjoying a discourse near to Fusilli's room, and Cthulhu was unable to determine whether its prey was among them. After a while the Dead God's dreams moved on, leaving the college grounds in peace.

[13:40 PM] tacticallemon goes for the tactic of shooting Don Salvatore (Andrew Buchan) whilst he is sleeping.
Don Salvatore reports:

Well, it doesn't matter anymore...During a much needed nap, I was awoken by a knock on the door. In my barely-conscious state, I didn't think too hard about the dubious nature of the decision to see who it was. Suffice it to say, I got a taste of my own knife-happy medicine.

[14:07 PM] Chaosweaver (Jerome Singh) gets stabbed by Joshua Andrews

[15:00 PM] Another Umpire-created pseudonym (Guang (Betty) Xia Xu) falls prey to the Mantis
Mantis reports:

Another Umpire-created pseudonym pulled out a cowboy-style water pistol in my room. She was pretending that she was in fact my assassin and was going to kill me. Therefore, it was clear that the pistol was an Assassin's weapon and Betty became a licit target.

I swiftly grabbed a sticky label saying "KNIFE" with pen in hand, approached her, stuck the label to the pen and prodded her in the abdomen and chest. All before she had the chance to shoot me as a licit target due to holding an Assassin's weapon.

[17:20 PM] Nobody expects The Spanish Inquisition! But Commander Keen was still prepared enough to defend himself
Commander Keen reports:

I am not entirely sure, why my assassins always come at inconvenient moments, but this evening, one Max Toomey and his accomplice tried to kill me during a skype call with home. Therefore, I had to explain at length afterwards, why random people turn up in order to shoot me and why I have a watergun next to my microphone. Anyways, while this was the most difficult part of the evening, I can gladly announce that I have killed another villain which hopefully paves the way back into civilised society and away from the twilight of delinquency

[18:45 PM] Tenuousness says: "No, Medeis (David Vasak) I expect you to dine."
Tenuousness reports:

Some say it's wrong to play with your food but I enjoy it, don't get me wrong however, i'm not saying i'm about to eat my target, that would be weird.

Instead i refer to the meal i shared with my target shortly before ending his life. After arranging a "fortuitous" and "chance" meeting with my target David Vasak, through a mutual and Machiavellianly evil freind, we shared a nice (and by nice read really poorly cooked) meal in the dark bowels of [COLLEGE-REDACTED]. Over the meal we talked, we laughed, we bonded, then as we left to go our seperate ways i turned to David and gave him a warm, friendly parting handshake and stabbed him between the ribs. I mean the man no ill will and while i do not repent his death, i am sorry he was subjected to such a godawful last meal...

Medeis reports:

Last night, my body was found, mangled and cut into a thousand little pieces, the blood spilling over the court. My attacker had made a quick getaway, but not before he revealed that I was one of his targets.

[19:30 PM] DavidKean. snake. Nobody died.
DavidKean reports:

My return. Inverness. Glandular fever. Hours before incompetence. Humiliation. Elimination. I knew my orders. What I would need. My weapon. My team. Assassination gear. Halloween vampire cape. Hoodie. Funky hat. I was ready. We hit the walls at 1930 hours. The gate. Then the house. But no target. No mark. Only a report to file. Clipped sentences. Hard-hitting sentences. Maybe in those full-stops I would find solace. But no. No solace. No respite. Only that knowledge. That awful knowledge. I had failed. Failed. Failed. Failed. Failed.

[23:00 PM] I got it from Agnes (Natalie Wellings), she got killed by Amun Ra
Amun Ra reports:

Like the sun, I am eternal.

Sunday, 30 October

[00:00 AM] ihateu (Amirul Hakim) appears to be allergic to Fusilli
Fusilli reports:

Yesterday at about midnight I successfully killed my target Amirul Hakim with a nerf gun in his room.

ihateu reports:

I was dead and killed by Fusilli last night. He knocked on the door pretending to be CUSU's representative at 11pm asking for donations. (What??) I sensed something but was too tired anyway to do anything and opened the door. He opened his bag and took out a NERF gun and shot me into pieces. :)

[02:20 AM] Telganistico kills Dr Baltar (Rob May-Miller) and Oaty (James Glanville)
Telganistico reports:

Just noticed list got updated with the incompetents, and two of the people who live in my house were on it. So I just killed in the space of 5 or so minutes James Glanville and Rob May-Miller- James was killed in the kitchen with a bang kill, Rob in his bedroom with a bang kill. Fairly easy, all told. :D

[09:35 AM] Marvin the Paranoid Android makes Nine (Joe He) so depressed he dies.
Marvin the Paranoid Android reports:

I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed... Here I am, brain the size of a planet and they ask me to kill someone. I assassinated Joe He with a paper shuriken

[12:15 PM] The Darkness is vanquished in a final epic battle between the Elder God and the Alliance.
Cthulhu reports:

Well, that was fun.
It was two years ago (well, technically two and a half, but Lent 09 didn't count) that I won my first game of assassins, and it's been barrel of laughs ever since. But all good things must come to an end, and this is it. I'm done, I'm signing off, I'm now an ex-assassin.
But I couldn't resist one last roll of the die.
So here's to you lot. From the fresher assassins just starting up to the experts who left when I'd barely started - Cheers, so long, and thanks for all the fish.

The Darkness - Luke Robins

Oh, I'd better not forget - here's my last report:

The End:

The Beast is known by many names. The Dead God, The Darkness, Cthulhu, The Reaper... the list goes on. In truth, these are but many myths referring to a single thing of unknowable power. An Eldritch Horror from outside space itself.
But after many years, it had finally awoken from its slumber.
The skies darkened to night. The Darkness had come to conquer this world, but before it on this plain a final Alliance was arranged. Time Lords. Various Humans from throughout history. All manner of strange creatures. They had come to protect the Earth, to prevent its destruction.
To defeat The Beast once and for all.

Cthulhu looked across the plain and saw them. A grim smile touched what could possibly be called its face. In a blur of folded night, the Dead God adopted the shape of a man and strode across the field. They waited for it.
Greetings, said The Reaper as it drew close to the Alliance. You know why I'm here and what I'm here to do. And I can see that you will not back down.
The arranged forces braced themselves. "We see you," said Rassilon, the Lord President of Gallifrey.
"And we shall fight you," added Rory Williams, the Last Centurion.
Very Well. It reached into a pocket and threw a glove onto the ground before them. Glove down. We shall duel.
Before the Alliance had a chance to ponder this bizarre ritual, the man had exploded into The Dead God's true form. Black tendrils of death swung forth, striking at the Alliance.
The forces reeled backwards and spread out, attempting to flank the creature. Rassilon held the line and Rory Williams charged forwards, trying to strike at the heart of The Darkness.
This time it was Cthulhu who flinched, pulling back and lashing out wildly. A dark tentacle slashed through the air, but the Last Centurion's guard held and he stepped back, rejoining the line.
The Reaper glanced from side to side, sending a warning shot towards Telganistico, stopping him from from getting too far around the flank. Rassilon called for the forces to hold together and push forwards, and again Rory led the assault.
However, The Darkness was ready and Rory was struck down. The man who dies and dies and dies, died again.
The battle waged on, with neither side giving an inch. Shots were fired, but none of them struck Cthulhu's black heart. The Dead God struck at its foes, but the knowledge of the Time Lords kept them safe from harm - the Alliance dodged attacks before they even knew they were coming. By the afternoon, the ground was sundered with destruction, but The Beast still stood.
On one side, a brave member of the Alliance, Cult of Skaro had gotten separated from the rest, attempting to strike from behind The Darkness. But The Reaper's power surged forth, cutting him off, driving him into the ground, destroying him.
"Enough," whispered the Lord President of Gallifrey. Leaving King Arthur Pendragon in command, Rassilon stepped forwards, carrying the De-mat gun in his hands - a weapon designed to wipe its target from ever existing. Black bolts of lightning were thrown at him by Cthulhu, but he did not break his stride. One such bolt struck his arm, but he hefted the weapon in his other hand.
Coming in to range, Rassilon shouldered the De-mat gun. He steadied his aim even as a tendril of darkness swept towards him. With seconds to spare, his finger squeezed on the trigger.
With a single strike, The Dead God sent him flying.
Yet the shot was true. It grazed the heart of the Eldritch Horror, but did not destroy it.
As The Reaper roared in pain, Rassilon crashed to the ground among the lines of the Alliance. Arthur Pendragon ran to his side.
"I am wounded," Rassilon murmured. "I will be of no more use in this battle - I must retreat and Regenerate."
"What of the Beast?" asked Arthur.
"It is hurt. Another few blows should finish this. Now, let me leave..."
The Octopus stepped forwards as the Lord President left. Arthur looked up at him. "I will kill it," said the man.
"It could mean your life," Arthur replied.
"No matter. Cthulhu must die."
The King nodded. "Very well. Take Excalibur. End this."
The Octopus turned. The Dead God had enveloped itself in Darkness as it thrashed about. The Octopus looked down at the sword in his hand, looked back up at the creature before him, and ran forwards.
Tentacles ripped through towards him, but they were cut aside. The air crackled with black lightning, but he plunged through it, driving forwards, driving Excalibur into the heart of the Beast.
The field exploded.

When the dust settled, Cthulhu's corpse lay still on the ground, Excalibur sticking from its chest. The Octopus (Joseph Nelson) had been blown to smithereens, but a skeletal hand still gripped the hilt of the sword.
The world had been saved, and the varied peoples of the Alliance were left to pick up the pieces.
The War was over.

[12:20 PM] The incobash commences...

[12:45 PM] The incobash continues...
Rassilon reports:

As various people gathered on the expansive backs of Unspecified College, Cambridge, an unexpected darkness descended upon them wielding a large water-gun. Unfortunately, most of my fellow inco-bashers proved to be cowards and left me to face the darkness alone. As water beats Nerf one-on-one in an open field, I died, but managed to shoot its leg off in the process (left-handed, having lost my right arm earlier in the duel). The Octopus then ran in and finished it off while I regenerated- the Lord President gets unlimited regenerations. The bash itself was less than profitable for the long-distance raiding party. No-one in Unknown College was in. Fusilli in Uncertain College was- he climbed out of his back window, and after a brief exchange of fire we chased him around the college grounds for about 20 minutes, then sat in his room waiting for him to come back until a friend of his poked her head in and asked if we were allowed to be in there. I explained that we were, but we then realised that she would warn him so there was no point in staying longer. It soon became clear that all the other incos there had been similarly warned, so we left. At Unspeakable College we got our one kill of the afternoon. Unfortunately, Finlay Noble-Chamings was already dead, and had been for quite some time...

[12:45 PM] Le morte d'Arthur...
Morgan le Fay reports:

Viii dayes passed and Morgan le Fay saw nothinge of the traiters / but she wold not alow them to escape theyr fates / so when she was sumoned to a greate gathering of those styll loyal / she at once rode to the feild where they wold meete / A greate many knytes and the kynge met / and as theye spoke of theyr quest a madened knyte rode toward theme / declaryng that he wished them all slayne / He threwe down hys gavntlet and engaiged the loyal knytes in battle / Syr Rassilon wovnded hym but was slayne / whereupon Syr The Octopus dyd avenge the deth of so nobel a knyte by the slayinge of the atacker / but he fell also Wyth sorrow in theyr heartes dyd the svrvivors part wayes / Half swoure to ride far and wyde to the very edges of this royaume / to strike doune those traiters who hyd in theyr dystante castels / Morgan le Fay rode wyth Arthur Pendragon and the reste who were to slay thouse villans clouse at hande / So dyd they continue to the castel of [CASTEL NAME REDACTED] / wher they dyd seek out moure men of trechery / but theye had not cavtion enough / for a strange knyte did apeare / and at ounce struck doune the kynge Arthur Pendragon (Aneurin John (Nye) Redman-White) / befour he could draue hys swerde / Though greate was her sourcery / no enchauntment of Morgan le Fay could sayve her brother / and there was wepyng and dolour out of mesure / Thus hys body was carried to a grayve on the ile of Avalon / and the queste continued Soune did they discouver that two false knytes / Syr The Gay Gimp of Girton and Syr Yes / were hyd in the keepe of [CASTEL NAME REDACTED] / so the trewe fellowes did passe the guardes and storm the keepe / but Syr Yes was fled / Thus theye serched on and found Syr The Gay Gimp of Girton / When he sau them Syr The Gay Gimp of Girton threwe hys shelde swerde and helme from hym / and sayed he / Slay thoue me / I wish it truely / Thus dyd Morgan le Fay cast her enchauntments upone hym / and Piers Riley-Smith fell / slayne by her hand So for somme tyme did they continue on / from castel to castel / searching out the faulse knytes and stryking downe any they encountred / and though somme were fled / a greate manye of the villans were slayne / So sayed Morgan le Fay / We haue vyctory but at greate coste / I muste seeke uengeance / Soone shal I ride agayne

I have no need for a Pseudonym cos I am going inco reports:

Dear Umpire, Sorry, didn't kill many dudes (Aneurin John (Nye) Redman-White, Gregory Andrew Weir), I'll do some more (not really I'll go inco again).

[13:10 PM] Rory Williams attempts to kill Yes, but finds someone else in his room.
Rory Williams reports:

Knocking on Yes's door, I heard a muffled response, and opened the door, anachronistic gunhand at the ready. The inhabitant didn't look much like a Yes (slightly more female than the average person of that name), but you never know...

"Are you Zac?" I asked.
"OK, do you know where he is?"
"OK, tell him we dropped in."
"So who are you guys?" (Did I mention the mob? I was with a mob.)
"Have you heard of the Assassins' Guild?"
"We're trying to kill Zac."
"Ah, OK, I won't tell him."
"No, go on, it'll be fun. Anyway, we'd better be off."

I saluted and left with a final, cheery, "Have fun!"

The mob paused for a short hilarity break, and we continued to our next target.

[14:30 PM] Kingy (Alexander King) and Deathfader (James (Jamie) Scott) forgot not to blink. Weeping Angel killed them.

[15:55 PM] On the incobash, Telganistico takes down Lizard (Abdulla Al-Kamil) and 3ps (Jordan White)

[17:30 PM] The Grey Man (Kentaro Ueshima) gets eaten by The Jazzy Hippogriff

[18:30 PM] The Jazzy Hippogriff kills again! This time DIG (Daniel (Dan) Jafferji) dies.

[18:30 PM] Ambivalence manages to outstealth Stealth
Stealth reports:

At 6:30pm today I, Stealth, made an attempt to kill my target, but she was too wise to open the door to an unexpected guest. Another method required me thinks...

[20:00 PM] Ploddipop stabs Samuel Nel.lo
Ploddipop reports:

Tonight in a rather cold hearted and cynical abuse of college solidarity, in order to get myself off the incompetent list, I with some companions went to Samuel Nel.lo's room, where I stabbed him. Since we share a college, I now feel guilty, but oh well, c'est la vie...or not in Samuel's case.

Monday, 31 October

[08:30 AM] The Patriot (Finnian Firth) is no match for D. Mendeleev, The Chemistry Bro
The Patriot reports:

Due to my incompetency, a fellow [SUBJECT-REDACTED], D. Mendeleev, The Chemistry Bro, at my college came by my room this morning, with one thing on his mind: assassination. Fortunately for me, I had locked my door, and so was able to hear him try the knob. I jumped out of bed, and grabbed my weapon. Unfortunately, I had just woken up, and so he was quicker on the draw than me. He sprayed me with a face-full of water before I could even say BANG! And so, my friends, I am dead.

[10:00 AM] DavidKean. This pseudonym was also made up by the Umpire. Already dead. Disaster!
DavidKean reports:

A safehouse. The Guild does not tolerate failure. Their minions after me. Hunting assassins across the city. Others in my cell turned on each other. Or were eliminated. So. I tried again. Samuel Nello was the mark. Waited through a lecture. Pen-knife ready. An easy kill. Or so I thought. My target appeared. He was staggering. Wounded. Dying. I called. He turned. And said, 'Oh, sorry, I was killed yesterday...'. And I had. Again. Failed.

[17:55 PM] The Noob's Guild continues to grow as Aaron Domnoob pwns the Duchess of Cambridge (Kande Andrews)
Aaron Domnoob reports:

I was spamming the chat with "Want to join my guild?" as I always do when I have nothing else to do, when suddenly, to my very great surprise, someone actually agreed to join! Haha! Fear me now, weaklings, for the Noob guild has 2 members now! It will soon have hundreds and I will be the most powerful assassin ever! The person in question turned out to be a noob since he was innocent, but I let him join anyway. I appointed him to the title of "Personal slave to Domnoob". If he does well, I may promote him.

Anyway, he apparently wanted to join so that I could kill Kande Andrews, who was an incompetent neighbour of the innocent. Ha! Incompetents noobs are no match for Domnoob and his mighty wand of cardboard! My slave let me into the staircase where the incompetent fool lived (and also where my slave lived). While my slave was busy doing other stuff, I saw another stupid innocent noob enter the abode of the noob I was supposed to kill, and she did not lock the door behind her (nor was the door locked in the first place by the way).

I followed silently then rushed into the room, yelling "Expelliarmus"! and pointing my almighty wand at the noobish incompetent. Nothing happened. Emboldened by this success, I remembered that my idiotic slave was sadistic and had wanted Duchess of Cambridge killed as slowly and as painfully as possible, so I used the best spell I knew for the job: "CRUCIO!!!!" Haha! Domnoob has used an unforgivable curse now! All must bow before his glory! Starting with the noob right in front of me now! Why is she screaming on the floor and not praising me? I'll teach her a lesson in respect! "Crucio!". Unfortunately, she was really stubborn, and just continued screaming, so I decided to continue using the cruciatus until she showed the glorious Domnoob a bit more praise. It took a lot longer than I thought, but eventually, she started bowing to me over and over again, while giggling uncontrollably.

Since that was good enough for me, I decided to leave her with her friend (who was staring gobsmacked at this scene) and met my sadistic slave again as he returned. He agreed that I had performed my task admirably, having shown a lot of cruelty and no mercy whatsoever while torturing his neighbour. He also thought that torturing into insanity was far better than simply torturing and then killing. Haha! Hear that noobs? I performed my task "Admirably"!!!! And apparently, I'm also "Sadistic" (whatever that means, but it's surely good since it refers to me!).

And that was how Domnoob owned yet another noob to add to his vast collection (of 2 for the moment). Beware, incompetents! For you are nooby! And Domnoob pwns noobs!

"Want to join my guild?"
"Want to join my guild?"
"Want to join my guild?"

Tuesday, 1 November

[09:05 AM] WASPOOOR!!! Killer Bug 3 (Steph teh Ninja Ninja Leddington) sacrifices Your Supervisor (Mark Brown) to Waspor, but dies in the process.
Mark Brown reports:

On the way to a presentation this morning, Your Supervisor spotted a known assassin, Steph teh Ninja Ninja Leddington. Aware that, for reasons unknown, Steph doubted the competency of Your Supervisor, Your Supervisor draw his examples paper of death and prepared to be ambushed. To his horror, he discovered that it had been left behind in a large pile of important academic paperwork. Bereft of his lethal Maths, he opened a suspicious looking door into a dark corridor that he had just seen Killer Bug 3 walk into, and drew his knife. As predicted, a dark figure moved quickly towards him. Having foreseen all possible actions using his immense intellect, Your Supervisor struck at the figure, slaying it instantly, however not before a crude, low tech, killer tomato had been thrust into Your Supervisor's rib cage, in a vain attempt to find the heart. Nevertheless, both careers ended instantly, while the Umpire stood back, watched, and cackled maniacally with power.

1) Eyewitness account of Your Supervisor
2) Fictional account of event written by Your Supervisor

[12:00 PM] Mr X makes the Mantis his prey, but doesn't catch him.
Mr X reports:

At around 12:00 today I entered [COLLEGE-REDACTED] to attempt to assassinate Mantis. I went up to his room and knocked, but alas, he was out. Retracing my steps I passed someone in the corridor; then turning around I realised that this person was my target. I hastily doubled back, then attempted to jam my foot in the door as he was entering, but it was too late and he was safe inside his room.

[18:30 PM] Anathema (Edward (Ed) Godfrey) gets shot..."'Tis but a flesh wound'!"
'Tis but a flesh wound' reports:

I decided to try and make some progress, along with my temporary ally fdztxs tonight. First on the list was Piers Riley-Smith, whose friend kindly opened the door, so Piers Riley-Smith got shot by fdztxs, but turned out to in fact be a zombie.

Next was another attempt on Raver; this time I was not foiled by the dastardly door, but sadly my target was out, and so survives another day.

Finally, we decided to get our spirits up by hunting a few incompetents. After finding several empty rooms, we came across the incompetent Anathema, who I obligingly shot.

Thus concludes the night's festivities.

fdztxs reports:

Today, between 6:30pm and 7pm, 'Tis but a flesh wound' and I went out to practice some shooting. I shot Piers Riley-Smith only to find out that he was already dead. Raver was not in. Then we decided to go after several incompetents. The only one to be in was Anathema, who was promptly shot by 'Tis but a flesh wound'.

[21:50 PM] Shluf (Jeff Carpenter) gets bitten by a Snake

[23:00 PM] Time for tubby byebyes for Sue Donim (Amy Roberts).
Tinky Winky reports:

Having made my last attempt almost a full week ago, and with an avalanche of work still to wade through in a small amount of time, I was very aware of the fact that I was likely to become incompetent in a matter of days. I should however have remembered that the Sun God is on my side, and that even though I could not find the time to track down my prey, things would inevitably arrange themselves so that my prey would come to me.

When I described my predicament to Amy Roberts while making conversation in the Bar of an unnamed College, she informed me casually, and rather foolishly, that not only was she also an assassin, but that she was already incompetent, and therefore a legitimate kill! I could scarcely believe my luck! It would have been all too easy to pull my trusty knife out and finish her there and then, but I decided a bit more style was called for and that it wasn't time for tubby bye byes just yet. I quickly fetched my nerf gun from my room, and dispatched her about 15 minutes later with a single shot in the bar over a pool table.

Sue Donim reports:

It pains me to tell you that I was cruelly slain by Tinky Winky last night over a game of pool. A bullet caught me between the eyes and I suffered for my incompetences.

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