Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 2 News

Wednesday, 24 October

[02:00 AM] Week 2! !
Random Strategy reports:

This pack of hungry gerbils is waiting impatiently for the incobash so they can start hunting down all the incos.

[08:45 AM] The Minister of Funny Walks still isn't in his office when Sureau needs him.
Sureau reports:

At about 8:45 this morning I once more tried the door of The Minister of Funny Walks, and once more listened, for several minutes, ear pressed up against the wood, to see if he was in. I don't think he was.




[12:13 PM] RunningScared murdered his faithful companion cube! (Michael James Naccarato (known as Michael), aka The Weighted Companion Cube) You MONSTER !
RunningScared reports:

It is with great regret that the police today announced the tragic murder of The Weighted Companion Cube in his room at the University of Cambridge. A stifled cry was heard and police called. By then the victim was throughly dead, a single stab wound deep into the heart, and people were already condemining the action. There was a single witness who gave their name as Sue Donym, who described the event in great, and surprising, detail. 'At around 12:13 and 30 seconds I saw an incredibly handsome devil climb the stairs to The Weighted Companion Cube's room. They looked the epitome of what any person should aspire to. When they reached the door they knocked twice, and as it was opened, drew a single knife from their right pocket, and, with a grace that would make lesser men weep, stabbed the hapless victim in the chest. Their last words were: "Well I'd sort of given up anyway", indicating surely that they knew that no-one could hope to stop such a remarkable person from doing what they want. A very clean kill if I do say so myself...well I thought it was very clean anyway.' This was followed by somewhat nervous laughter and they then ran from the scene. Police are treating the death as suspicious, but with only one witness they are unsure as to which line of inquiry to take. A cryptic message was written in the victim's room: The Weighted Companion Cube is my friend, I must euthanise The Weighted Companion Cube to save it'. Police are urging anyone who can help decode this thought to be coded message as they consider it important to their enquiries. Very little else is known about the hit.

The Weighted Companion Cube reports:

At 12.15 today, I heard a knock at the door, and in innocent trusting spirit I opened the door, suspecting nothing (despite participating in assassins), only to have a knife thrust between my ribs. As I lay dying (or would have were the knife not made of cardboard), my assailant laughed malevolently and uttered "you have fallen to the blade of the one who is known and feared as RunningScared, know this and despair!" In despair my eyes closed, never to open again (or they would have).


the Ghost of The Weighted Companion Cube

P.S. Artistic licence may or may not have been used in some parts of this communication from the spirit world

[15:00 PM] I Rent-an-Assassin to kill The Hooded One. He doesn't do very well.
Rent-an-Assassin reports:

As I dusted off my deadly gear to hunt down The Hooded One, I couldn't help but reminisce my prime days as a youthful, energetic assassin. My age has caught up to me now, and my belly barely fits in my ninja suit. I did not let this deter me, however, as I waited in front of my target's building ([UNSPECIFIED HOSTEL]) for a resident whom I could charm into letting me in. After a 30-minute wait (not that I minded, stakeouts don't involve too much walking), I finally spotted a potential accomplice, and persuaded him to let me into the building. As I knocked on The Hooded One's door, my grip tightening around my rusted - but hopefully still deadly - old knife. Alas, The Hooded One was not in [his] room - or was too clever for my not-so-subtle attempt. The strain of tapping on the door had left me wheezing, so I pocketed my weapon, called it a day, and headed towards the nearest doughnut shop.

Nonetheless, do not let your guard down yet, The Hooded One. The first competence deadline may be rapidly approaching, but I still have more than enough time to dispose of you. Just after I catch my breath, that is.


[16:55 PM] Yarneo tempts a Beth McKinlay (BumbleBee) out of its room.
Yarneo reports:

Today at 16:55 I killed BumbleBee. My accomplice knocked on her door talking and shouting in chinese, I waited for her to open the door in confusion and took out my toy water pistol and with her 20cm from me I pointed it and shouted bang!

[20:30 PM] In West Philadelphia, people are highly suspicious of Number 6
Number 6 reports:

At about half past 8 I went over to [PHILADELPHIA] to make an attempt In West Philadelphia. He was obviously in as his light was on, but I tried his door only to find it locked. I came back later with an accomplice and I knocked on the door and called out to him, but got no reply. After we left the building, I glanced up at his window to see him looking down at us. We had an awkward conversation where the target pretended he wasn't In West Philadelphia. [The umpire: he probably pretended he was in Cambridge, right? :P sorry] He knew that we knew he was lying. My friend pretended they were looking for him to talk about supervisions, and we took some wild guesses at what subject he does and what year he was in. As we were about to leave, my friend asked the target what his name was, and the silence before he replied with a false name was incredibly awkward.

Then I went to Sainsbury's and bought chocolate milk. The end.

[21:00 PM] The Gruffalo and Charon's Apprentice use their dual identities to confuse and kill Izhan Khan (StormDragon)
StormDragon reports:

Unfortunately as of this night I have been murdered. This was a brutal attack by my target The Gruffalo, where I had been utterly bamboozled by the fact that there are 2 [PLAYERS WITH THE SAME NAME], both doing [SAME SUBJECT] at [SAME COLLEGE], and I had inadvertently been tracking the wrong one for 2 days. Hence as I reached his room I was looking for Charon's Apprentice and so I was unprepared for the attack that befell me by a stranger (who turned out to be my target) and hence I died. I must commend my target for cleverly using this double identity to good effect, and it is with great regret that I must die.

The Gruffalo reports:

At approximately 8.30pm I was warned by Charon's Apprentice that a rather unsubtle attempt had been made to lure him out into the open as an assassin was looking for one of us. Knowing this I waited in somebody else's room, in case the assassin came into my staircase. Inevitably this happened and when the unfortunate StormDragon ascended towards my room I leaped out from behind and stabbed him in the back.

[21:35 PM] As suspicious someone wants a Levitating BBQ
Levitating BBQ reports:

Was working hard in my room when a knock on the door interrupted my thoughts. I was instantly suspicious and looked out of my peep hole to see a friend on the other side. She was asking if I was in but something about her odd behavior and frequent glances to her right let me know that something was up. Speaking to her afterwards I learned that there had indeed been an assassin waiting to pounce, but on realising that I wasn't going to come out, she simply shrugged and drifted away as silently as she had arrived.

[22:30 PM] Somehow, a clumsy ferret manages to avoid death by Sze Long MUI (known as Sharon) (Chinese throwing stars)
clumsy ferret reports:

By a strange stroke of luck, I recently befriended a person who happened to live at [UNSPECIFIED ROOST], the same place Chinese throwing stars lives. Seizing on this bit of fortune, I convinced my new friend to let me into the building and help me find her room. At about 20:30 we knocked at her door, but there was no answer. We tried again half an hour later without success. Unsure of whether she was truly out or feigning, we began a search for her on Facebook, and asked around [UNSPECIFIED ROOST] to see if anyone knew whether she was in or what course she was doing. All of this planning turned out to be unnecessary, as on a third trip to her door at 22:30 she readily answered and was subdued with a knife.

clumsy ferret

Thursday, 25 October

[11:05 AM] Squirtle is defeated by meleagrine's door...
Squirtle reports:

A wild SQUIRTLE appeared.

> Door

You used Door. It's super effective! The SQUIRTLE is confused.

> Run

You got away safely.

[12:30 PM] Mr.Y tries to Rent-an-Assassin and buy a Levitating BBQ, but cannot afford either.
Mr.Y reports:

About 11:00am: Assassination attempt on Levitating BBQ from [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE]. He was either sleeping or not in his room, as he did not open after knocking repeatedly. Assassination was therefore not possible at the given moment.

Around noon: Attempt to assassinate Rent-an-Assassin failed, as he refused to open his door. He suspected me being an assassin and I ended up leaving without being able to stab him.

About 12:30pm: Second attempt on Levitating BBQ. I couldn't get in the building, let alone his room.

Rent-an-Assassin reports:

A knock on my door roused me from my reverie. As I got up to answer it, I realised that not only had no one tried to kill me yet, but that today was the first competence deadline. Naturally suspicious, I asked for a name, and was met with the unfamiliar reply "Mr.Y". It was preceded by a bout of hesitation just long enough to ring alarm bells in my head, but too short to allow my decaying brain to come up with a witty reply. All I could think of was the painfully superfluous "From the Assassins Guild?" Not to be deterred, Mr.Y replied "I brought chocolate". That was when it took every fibre of my willpower not to open the door. His ruse might even have worked if I had not just returned from grocery shopping with a bag full of high-calorie treats.


[13:00 PM] Connor Rogers (The Pootis Mystique) is finally slain by Carpe Diem
Carpe Diem reports:

Yet another charming and kindly soul has perished under the knife of Carpe Diem. Making the fatal mistake of dining in the open, The Pootis Mystique joined his good friend The Artful Bodger who sadly passed away recently. Now that Carpe Diem has wiped out the entirety of [UNSPECIFIED STAIRCASE], he looks forward to receiving a new staircase to target.

Carpe Diem

The Pootis Mystique reports:


25th October, 1:30 : The Pootis Mystique slain in cold blood. Sustained grievous knife wound to chest. His soul forever lies lost in a roiling sea of the beyond.

An honourable assassin, he is no more.

Another seeks to claim victory over The Pootis Mystique hours later in vain, only to meet his tortured spirit pacing about the void which claimed it from the mortal world.





[13:00 PM] nailPOLISH doesn't require an electrician, and certainly not a Tealeaf
Tealeaf reports:

Today I made another ill-planned attempt on the life of the lethal nailPOLISH. Cunningly disguised as an electrician, I knocked on the door and stuttered my way through a brief back story, utterly convincing the housemate who had answered the door that I was trustworthy. Having gained entry through further quick-wittedly recruiting another accomplice, I went to nailPOLISH's room, knocking and offering to check plug sockets, indistinguishable from a professional handyman. Yet no answer came, and I heard no movement, so I retreated apologetically, cursing my lack of information and acting skill. Another day nailPOLISH!

[14:00 PM] Haofeng Xu (smegmasnail) dies to a mysterious assassin
smegmasnail reports:

I attempted to assassinate two of my targets: PsyDuck and The Pootis Mystique yesterday.

PsyDuck, unfortunately wasn't in. I did manage to track down The Pootis Mystique, but he had already been killed earlier that day.

I was also killed yesterday evening.

[14:50 PM] Michael Sharrock (Dom E. Spuny) is too puny to properly assassinate Dr. Dre
Dom E. Spuny reports:

I wish to report my sudden and untimely demise at the hands of (of all people) my target. Me and my trusty accomplice arrived at [UNSPECIFIED COURT] (at around 10 to 3 this very afternoon), loaded Split & Wesson (banana gun) in my pocket, and after a deep and meaningful conversation with the target (Dr. Dre's) roommate I was granted entry to the room. I was told that Dr. Dre was out; my eager trigger finger betrayed me and I willfully fell for this ruse. Alas, not two steps into the room I heard a poetic cry of "DIE!!" and felt the cold blow of a throwing ball (presumably, of death) pierce my side. As my short and kill-less life flashed before my eyes I saw the triumphant face of my target knelt behind a door in front of me, and knew I had been bested. Though I have left the mortal world, I warn present and future assassins: I will rise again!

Dom E. Spuny

Dr. Dre reports:

During the afternoon, I decided to retire to bed for an afternoon siesta, as my life gets too wearisome sometimes. Whilst I was napping, I heard my trusty roommate being bothered by a visitor. I got up, and picked up the moon.

We then executed the pre-approved play. My roommate let the assassin in, under the ruse that I was not currently in. The assassin said his famous last words, "So when will he be back?". On cue, I then swung out of my room throwing the moon and crying, "Ermm you're dead!".

Pleasant chat and an exchange of compliments ensued and the murdered assassin's body was carried out by his innocent accomplice.

Hugs. Dr. Dre

[17:00 PM] Tealeafs cunning disguise finally gets Cora Olpe (nailPOLISH) killed.
Tealeaf reports:

Yesterday at 17:00, I killed nailPOLISH. Knowing that she lived in a house, I needed a cunning and deceitful plan to surprise her. Earlier in the day, I had arrived and knocked dressed as an electrician, gaining entry only to find that she was out. Now that I'd used that disguise, I had to find an alternative. So, aiming to be totally unexpected (I'd not met nailPOLISH before) I dressed in a suit (bow tie and dinner jacket), and carried a bunch of flowers. A bunch of flowers just large enough to conceal a dagger! Arriving at the house I rang the bell, another lady opened the door and revealed that nailPOLISH wasn't in. An awkward stand off ensued, with myself shifting from one foot to another and making repeated 'Aww' sounds, and her watching me do so unimpressed. But just as I was turning to leave, she rolled in, 'nailPOLISH?' I called to her, as I walked over. 'Yes, who are you?' came the swift reply. By this point I had closed the distance, and knowing that I had to finish now, exclaimed 'Your assassin!' and lunged with the deadly bouquet, killing her softly. Further awkwardness enveloped us, and my nerves caused me to excuse myself from the kind offer of coffee and run away. Racked with guilt that I couldn't understand, I came back later with a pack of fruit shortcakes (the apology biscuit) and left a message apologising for my actions.

[18:45 PM] Frank is not welcome In West Philadelphia
Frank reports:

Attempted and failed the attempt In West Philadelphia just half an hour ago. He bombarded me with questions and did not open his door in the end.

Will try the others.

[20:00 PM] Baron Kuckrich loses his Chinese throwing stars
Baron Kuckrich reports:

Even more embarrassing failure than usual today. Feeling like I hadn't been doing enough to further the game, I decided to go after my target named Chinese throwing stars, around 8:00 PM. Three accomplices tagged along, hoping to see some action. I let them down by getting lost, wandering around [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] asking directions to [UNSPECIFIED STAIRCASE], and then finally realizing that my target's address was not a staircase, but a street, fifteen minutes walk too far away. Morale was low and so I wisely chose to call off the search, having become something of a laughingstock.

Inshallah, I will one day achieve vindication.

[20:00 PM] otzi the iceman would like to file a complaint, but unfortunately, Charon's Apprentice isn't in.
otzi the iceman reports:

With the incompetence deadline looming ever closer and the fear of being chased down by a hoard of bloodthirsty and experienced assassins I set my plans to make my first ever kill. With the help of an insider (who for his own safety shall remain nameless...) and a very friendly bedder I made my way into the lair of Charon's Apprentice. Navigating my way through the locked doors and stair case looking (I hoped) as if my mission was entirely innocent I paused and listened outside his bedroom door. Carefully concealing my dagger of choice beneath my assassins cape I proceeded to knock several times and call his name. Tragically, I was unable to lure him out of his den (I since have reason to believe that he was in fact absent). I decided to search the common areas and when this patrol was equally unsuccessful I made a swift and hopefully inconspicuous exit. Another time Charon's Apprentice you will not be so lucky....

[21:00 PM] Someone steals the LifeAndSoul of David Tennyson (The Halk)
LifeAndSoul reports:

The Halk is no more - the victim was tracked expertly by the killer. Upon approach to the room of the victim, there was no sign of life inside, yet there were suspicious voices coming from the room next door, discussing [UNSPECIFIED WORK]. Knowing my target was a [UNSPECIFIED SUBJECT], I waited pretending to text on my phone on the stairway, until the target emerged from the room after 2 minutes, as I suspected - this joint work session, productive as it may have been, lead to the untimely death of one of the participants. Trying to flee into his room, the assassin dove in with a lightsabre dagger propping the door open with his trailing leg and stuck the unarmed victim. Alas, The Halk died on the 25th day of October 2012 - R.I.P.

[22:40 PM] Brownian motion of Nanobots doesn't work when The Captain's door is blocking the way.
Nanobots reports:

The nanobots had assembled. And reassembled. Themselves. It had taken aeons to diffuse the super-astronomically large distance to find their target. And yet there the nanobots were halted by the most insurmountable of macroscopic particles, the door. And so, slinking in the way only Brownian motion can, the nanobots returned home to their nano of domains.

Friday, 26 October

[01:00 AM] Vetinari's chopsticks make for a better weapon than Charlie Gatehouse (The Lone Hammer)
Vetinari reports:

Tonight I dispatched The Lone Hammer with a swift chopstick knife to the throat (I was giving my killing snake the night off). I should definitely be able to construct something witty about the fact that we were in Life at the time, but I can't. Anyway, RIP The Lone Hammer!

[08:00 AM] tacticallemon wasn't in, and and there is no way Lord Downey will try his luck at the fortress ukgentleman seems to have...

[09:00 AM] The Hooded One makes an attempt on Karmanator but is stopped by border control when trying to travel In West Philadelphia
The Hooded One reports:

Today I attempted an assassination on Karmanator.

I knocked on her door but there was no response, and she didn't show up.

I also attempted an assassination on someone In West Philadelphia who I'm hunting, but the porters denied my access.

[12:00 PM] the Killing vector translates Michael (Mikey) Lynam (Blat) into the subspace of death.
the Killing vector reports:

This afternoon I was walking back from my lecture along [UNSPECIFIED STREET]; as I turned off to head to my college I heard someone behind me call out my name. As I turned I saw a grenade fly past me but managed to dodge it.

Seeing my would-be assassin reach for another weapon, I grabbed my own knife from where I'd hidden it in my pocket, ran forwards and was able to stab him before he could make another attack. As he lay there, dying in the passage, he told me that he was known as "Blat".

- the Killing vector

Blat reports:

I was killed by the Killing vector today. Followed him from [UNSPECIFIED LECTURE] to [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE], threw a bomb, missed; got a pen stuck in my chest and I'm out of the game.

[13:00 PM] An innocent-looking Sheep goes after Antoine Konigsberg and Leonidas but neither are at home.

[14:15 PM] Aashik Ashley Chhibber (known as Ashley) (Blood & Strawberries) , You only live once. Random strategy was corrected applied.
You only live once reports:

Intending to follow in the footsteps of the great and majestic Umpire, You only live once employed the use of random strategy to locate Blood & Strawberries strolling nonchalantly down King's Parade. After firing a deadly shot to the chest, You only live once continued his random walk through the finite space of Cambridge streets searching for his next victims...

You only live once

Blood & Strawberries reports:

I had been assisting a comrade in locating their targets to avoid incompetence, and was passing through my college so that he might return the favour, when the sly and subtle You only live once caught my attention by calling out my name and then asking, on approaching, whether that was indeed me. Caught off guard - I have a history of meeting people and completely forgetting about it - I replied in the affirmative, and was promptly gunned down. This was in fact something of a relief, as it turns out that I'm far too lazy to be an assassin. I shall now get back to writing my memoirs, "The Inertia of Man: an Undergraduate Story."

[14:50 PM] Little Timmy kills Andrew Scull (DrYap)
Little Timmy reports:

With the incompetence deadline approaching I decided the time for action had come. I informed my accomplice, and together we made our way to my target's college. After several minutes of disoriented wandering around the different courts we finally found my target's lair and started executing my evil plan which mainly consisted of knocking at my target's door. Surprisingly, the plan worked and my target opened the door to my accomplice while I was hiding in the shadows. My accomplice then confirmed the target's identity and I emerged from the shadows to fire my nerf gun at his gut. The target died calmly like a man who does not fear death, and in his last words even told me where my nerf bullet had gone.

[16:00 PM] a Hedgehog can't find his friend the turtle Donatello. Or Little Timmy
Hedgehog reports:

In the terror of becoming incompetent I tried to kill someone, no luck though... Both Little Timmy (~3pm) and Donatello (~4pm) were not home or just terrified to confront me :(

[17:45 PM] De Terminator is out when Miss Penguin comes to visit him.
Miss Penguin reports:

I went round to De Terminator's room to make an attempt at approx. 5:45pm today but he did not answer the door and was not in any of the common areas as far as I could tell.

[18:00 PM] Hannah Vandersluis (Soggy from Capitalism AKA Number 6) is shot In West Philadelphia (Martin Chan)

Saturday, 27 October

[12:00 PM] Life is short, as Thomas (Tom) Flynn (Snuffles) discovers.
Life is short reports:

I carefully waited outside Snuffles's lecture today. As people shuffled past, one pulled out a nerf gun and shot another. Seizing my chance and observing another bearing assassin I shot him, only to find out he was an innocent, and was merely having fun instead of participating in this life or death activity.

Aghast at what I had done, I brutally shot my target Snuffles full of rubber in revenge 20 seconds later. I hope to have redeemed myself from the wanted list, but if not, innocents beware my anger!

Life is short

The Umpire: as the innocent in question was bearing, Life is short will not be going wanted.

Snuffles reports:

This morning was not a good morning for me. Having indulged rather thoroughly in beverages of a certain nature, and insufficiently in sleep the night before, I awoke this morning to significant distress when, along with the other [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] residents discovered their hot water had been cut-off. Following the excruciatingly cold shower which was necessary to remove the obvious Halloween fancy-dress residue, I stumbled into 2 hours of lectures, which passed slowly and wearily, before, at the end, I stopped to visit the bathroom, before proceeding out into the cold, sharp Cambridge winter morning. Wanting nothing more than to be back in my college with a tasty [UNSPECIFIED 8], or, better still, back in bed. However, I had scarcely gone more than 10 paces before a premature end was put to my suffering, as I was shot in the side by a innocuous-looking fellow who had been standing around talking to my friend. As the white light approached I had a nice chat with my killer (but didn't get his name), and discovered that my trip to the bathroom may cost him dear, as whilst waiting for me he had mistakenly killed an innocent, (Will Boulton, also at my college) having stupidly mistaken Will's toy gun for a genuine weapon. Why exactly Will choose to carry a toy gun at all times is a mystery he will take to the grave.

I'll be back.


[13:10 PM] Shot by Karmanator's banana, Ben Martineau (Sureau)'s dead body apparently makes the world go bananas.
Karmanator reports:

Please don't come hunting for me on the Incobash!

Sureau reports:

Life never looks so good as when you're seeing it from the other side. Those opportunities missed, those rewards gained, those trials and tribulations overcome - everything seems so much more vivid. At about 13:10 today, I was killed, and life has never been the same.

They called it a wonder. They called it a hoax, they called it a ruse. They called it insane. They didn't know. But they speculated. As my body lay strewn over the bicycle I had been locking up, the bullet hypothetically lodged in the wall of the house, they came past and gawked, took pictures on their phones and tweeted, tumblr'd, and shared them, until my death became something of an internet sensation. The world over, people questioned, theorized, and pondered, making psychological analyses and mock-up tests. Advanced explanations were proposed, unofficial bounties put out for the killer, some small-scale riots and occasional demonstrations. My death became a cause for major scientific concern, a running joke in the media, and the cause of several diplomatic incidents. Religious leaders came and preached from my window, and thousands came to visit the site. In time a pilgrim route was set up, stretching from southern France to Cambridge. For months, the world refused to accept what had happened. I was martyred for some kind of cause, they said, otherwise this would simply not have happened. It couldn't have. It was impossible. It was practically Biblical. How, they asked, does this work? How, they shouted, did this happen? How, they screamed, was it possible to actually die when shot by a banana?

[14:00 PM] INCOBASH!
Random Strategy reports:

About 15 assassins or so and 1 police officer met up with the umpire and the chief of police at Queen's backs. We first went to Anoushka Amin (Cyborg Ginosaji), who was killed by Officer Smitty after foolishly opening his door. Topological Nightmare didn't appear to be in. After this small escapade, the most important moment of the incobash arrived: De Terminator's ambush!

By use of a surprise water bomb, De Terminator managed to take out both police officers (Captain Zapp Brannigan and Officer Smitty) and a player (Robin Elliott (Donatello), as well as hitting the umpire, all in one fell swoop! The surviving members of the incobash promply engaged with him, and after a brief battle, Martin Levine (De Terminator) was finally shot by Godfrey. The Umpire resurrected the dead members of the party, and they carried on.

Porters at [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] were not sympathetic towards a group of assassins trying to kill The Penetrator, and so the incobash moved on. Following this was a long chain of absent incompetents: The Paddle, Steampunk Pigeon, TheWatchingEye, Antoine Konigsberg, Caligula.

The chain was finally broken when Captain Zapp Brannigan bravely sent a confused rabbit to its death in a succesful attempt to kill Will Thong (Giuseppe Garibaldi).

After attempting to reach The evil turnip overlord and discovering the way was blocked by a door, we went to Mr. Plant's staircase. Once in there, every single innocent proceeded to act extremely suspiciously. One of them claimed that only 5 people lived on the staircase, and since we had seen 5 people there already, one of them was sure to be the incompetent. However, identification was impossible, so we had to leave.

We made an attempt on Leonidas, who, guess what? Was also either out or hiding, just as with almost every single other incompetent today. We then received confidential imformation that Caligula was back in his room. However, this turned out to be a lie unfortunately.

The Umpire

Anyone who was present and wants competence for it, also send me an email. (those who have already informed me of their presence have been awarded 8 days competence). Thanks, The Umpire

Godfrey reports:

While on the incobash today, sometime around 2:30pm-3:00pm, De Terminator (who had been following us from the start) threw a rather stunning bomb which killed another assassin (Donatello) and a couple of policemen. He then proceeded to lob knives at us while other assassins shot at him - luckily he only managed to stab me in the leg, while I shot him in the face with a machine gun (and several times in the torso as well, I think). It's probably safe to say he's quite dead.

Swishy reports:

I am proud to announce that I, Swishy, was today part of the incobash. I shall here give my account of the most notable events of this not particularly fruitful quest. No mention will be made, however, of what kills I made or what weapon I was using, so as to keep my identity hidden from all those unfortunate enough to have me as their target. We set off from Queen's backs at roughly 2.15 with our weapons ready, yet cunningly concealed. Our first kill was made at [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE], where an unsuspecting incompetent opened her door only to be confronted with shot from a banana to her heart.

A few unopened incompetents' doors later, we were heading towards [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE], when the first true excitement happened. I suddenly became aware of a loud splash as a water bomb landed next to me. I was fortunately just out of its range and was not hit by the blast, but it was too close for comfort. I wheeled around in time to see our attacker start to hurl knives at the group of unprepared assassins. I cannot say what occurred after that, as it is a blur in my mind. Suffice it to say that battle ensued, which concluded in the death of the attacker. Unfortunately, there was not just one dead, as one of our party fell victim to the fiend. The two policemen with us were also hit, as well as the Umpire, but he fortunately is immortal and was able to resurrect them.

Another few unopened doors and we were at [UNSPECIFED COLLEGE], a college rife with incompetents. Mr. Plant made a sneaky escape and evaded his death at the hands of the incobash. Giuseppe Garibaldi, however, was not so fortunate. Despite his cunning trap of lurking in the kitchen with a large sword, he was brutally mauled to death by a killer rabbit, wielded by none other than the head of police, Zapp Brannigan. After these few kills the incobash became increasingly less exciting, as no more incompetents would open their doors to us, the cowards! One by one we snuck off to our own individual hideouts and the incobash disbanded, not entirely successful. We shall be after you all in due course, however, so beware incompetents! One day you will let your guard down and when you do, Swishy will be waiting for you!

[14:30 PM] The Hooded One makes attempts on Mr. Teatime, Karmanator, In West Philadelphia.
The Hooded One reports:

None answered when I knocked on their door. I wonder what I'm doing wrong!

The Umpire: Picking a time when they were probably at the incobash, maybe?

Mr. Teatime reports:

I get the impression some people tried to incobash me this afternoon. Due to a sleep cycle failure I managed to sleep for most of the day, so missed this. Sorry guys :P.

[18:25 PM] The Captain fails to kill the afflicted Caligula
The Captain reports:

Captain's log, stardate 66288.8

My mission today was to eradicate a former member of starfleet from my own home college, the being formerly known as Caligula. Command has designated him a viable target due to his affliction with the strange mutation known as incompetency, a condition I was close to succumbing to myself if not for this intervention.

I tracked the ex-officer to his home planet, and detected his lifesigns on the surface. A powerful forcefield prevented any form of transport down to the surface (beaming or shuttles), and I was forced to retreat at warp speed after lying in wait behind the nearby moon in case he made an escape attempt.

My duty compels me to return soon, and to wipe out the deadly incompetency plague from my home system. Resistance is futile!

Captain out.

Sunday, 28 October

[00:39 AM] Stephen Gould (TheWatchingEye) resigned

[01:10 AM] Mr. Teatime and meleagrine's sleep cycles are completely out of sync with Steampunk Pigeon and TheWatchingEye
Mr. Teatime reports:

Made an attempt in collaboration with meleagrine on TheWatchingEye the incompetent at 1:10 this morning. Found our way to his door after much faffing (Why does [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] have SO MANY COURTS?!), knocked, and had no response. Proceeded to try and find Steampunk Pigeon - another of the [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE]'s incompetents - no victory there either. Perhaps shouldn't do this in the dead of night. Ultimately gave up after being told rather bluntly by a porter that we shouldn't be wandering round college in the middle of the night by ourselves. This is probably a fair point. Whoops.

[08:30 AM] Keyser Soze tries to avoid incompetence by making attempts on Mr. Teatime and meleagrine
Keyser Soze reports:

Having become incompetent, I decided to search for some of the other incos at my college at 8:30 this evening, thinking that they might make easier targets than my own. I spent at least 5 minutes wandering round each of Mr. Teatime's and meleagrine's residences, but with no luck.

[09:30 AM] Nathan Smith (Blessed-Brian) should have been RunningScared from his assassin.
RunningScared reports:

Cunningly using the extra hour of Sunday to my advantage, I managed to get into [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] at a reasonable time to catch the inco unaware. Arriving at his staircase I was befuddled by the sheer number of rooms, it went up to like [UNSPECIFED], that's ridiculous! On my way up I saw someone look at me suspiciously, and it was only when I realised my target's room was on the floor downstairs that I thought, wait he knows exactly who I am doesn't he? the temptation to run away was large but I persevered and knocked on his door. Didn't really hear what question he asked but the appalling attempted entry of 'Can I come in?' worked and he opened the door. When I confirmed his name he finally lept into action and dodged my first swipe, but my second stab with my blade struck home and the world has become a more competent place.

I came to the realisation that assassinations while ill are not ideal, my reflexes were dulled so I retreated back to my college and felt sorry for myself in my room some more.

Blessed-Brian reports:

Today at 9.30 after having a most wonderful shower, i saw a ninja walking up my stairs. Thinking nothing of it (there are always ninjas on my staircase) I returned to my room and proceeded to produce hot chocolate of the finest flavour. Hearing a knock on my door, i opened, still in my dressing gown, whereupon I noticed the ninja at my door. Realising the foolishness of my actions I cursed and was struck in the heart by a dagger of pure mithril. I then proceded to casually chat with my assassin as my lifeforce drained away. I AM NO LONGER ALIVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!


[10:00 AM] Marwood waited outside Lord Downey's room but he didn't show up.

[11:00 AM] Mr.Y kills Joscha Thiele (The Milkman) with epic music.
Mr.Y reports:

Mr.Y was waiting for his victim, knife at hand, when the moment arrived. The Milkman entered, unsuspecting of his near fate. Suddenly the tunes of "The Final Countdown" rang through the halls of doom and The Milkman must have realized that an epic moment was nearing. While all voices hushed, Mr.Y announced that The Milkman shall suffer the fate of all incompetent - and stabbed him - in this epic moment - at point-blank range. Time seemed to stand still while the last notes of The Final Countdown were dying out.

The Milkman reports:

I have just been assassinated in my college kitchen. Mr.Y, who lives in [UNSPECIFED LOCATION], attacked me from behind and stabbed me with a cardboard knife labelled "knife". He played epic music from his phone while doing so. It was a nice kill.

[11:45 AM] Darren Koh is in London, so it will take a long time to get there by RunningScared
RunningScared reports:

Basically decided after upgrading my weaponry to go after the handy inco Darren Koh. However, no hanging around the door after no response was depressing, but as a last ditch effort I asked a group of people in the kitchen. They're apparently in London so waiting around for 5 mins didn't look like a good bet...

[12:15 PM] Vegetable wars! The evil turnip overlord kills Thomas David Johnson (known as Tom) (Mr. Plant)!
The evil turnip overlord reports:

Today at 12:15 I finally killed the incompetent Mr. Plant. I had initially expected him to appear at brunch but, after waiting over an hour and eating more hash browns and sausages than any man should ever eat in a single sitting, decided that I should actively stalk my prey. Learning of his love of mixed Lacrosse I hid in the plodge as the team gathered to get ready to play. At last I had my chance! With a swift flash of the dagger and a muffled scream I killed him and fled.

Mr. Plant reports:

At 12:15 this morning, I was brutally struck down by Mr. Plant as I innocently met up for mixed netball.

[13:00 PM] Being incompetent is dangerous, as kimbo makes Mairead Hamilton Budge (Marwood) realise.
kimbo reports:

I was wandering around the campus as I stumbled upon an incompetent with whom I am familiar. Shocked so see a shamed assassin revealing her face outside, I decided to do the honorable thing and kill her! Thus I shot her in the chest and then fled from plodge into the night, pausing only to chow with the locals so as to deepen my disguise.

[14:40 PM] More plant warfare! The evil turnip overlord makes an attempt on Tealeaf!
The evil turnip overlord reports:

This afternoon at approximately 14:40 myself and two accomplices made an attempt on the life of one Tealeaf. Finding her door left unlocked I hid insider her room whilst my accomplices attempted to flush her out of any gyp rooms or neigbouring areas she may have been in. After 7 minutes of waiting with no sign of them and feeling decidedly creepy for hiding in someone else's room we abandoned the attack and returned to [UNSPECIFIED VEGETABLE PLOT].

Monday, 29 October

[08:55 AM] RedcoatAxemurderer beheads Frederick (Freddy) Mills (Paul McCockard)
RedcoatAxemurderer reports:

In an attempt to clear my incompetent status, I noticed someone I knew on the incompetence list, Paul McCockard form [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE]. I engaged them in conversation in the [UNSPECIFIED RECEPTION] at 5 to nine, and having ascertained that he had not killed anyone since the start of the game, and that he was still alive, I pulled out a knife(a ruler labelled so) and stabbed him in the gut, taking him by surprise, unaware that incompetence made him such an appealing and opportunistic target. While somewhat dishonourable I did what had to be done to clear my incompetent status. RedcoatAxemurderer

[09:20 AM] Life is short once again. Wing Chan (Dr. Dre) doesn't live to see his evil moon project completed.
Life is short reports:

Today I killed Dr. Dre, by honorably shooting him in the back after kindly opening the door for him moments earlier. His body will help sustain the plants and ivy that make his former building such a beautiful place - life goes on. But there is no such thing as a selfless act...

Life is short

Dr. Dre reports:

I felt like going to the mail room. That feeling was to be my downfall. I walked in the mail room feeling empty. I had no moon with me. My pigeonhole was empty. I was feeling very empty.

As I left, I felt a rushing wind and then I was dead. Shot by a cowboy. In disbelief I asked him who I was. He told me. And I was no more.

[10:55 AM] Finnian Firth (The Patriot) and Gregory (Greg) Weir (Professor Moriarty) angered the boss and so got clamped.
Francis X. Clampazzo reports:

The Patriot was Clamp'd via knife while eating a delicious cooked breakfast. (Roughly 8:55)

Professor Moriarty was Clamp'd via gun (Nerf Jolt) just after leaving lectures. (Roughly 10:55).

[21:52 PM] Lieutenant Kif Kroker collects the final umpirical artifact, Devang Agrawal (Topological Nightmare)
Kif Kroker reports:

I, Lieutenant Kif Kroker, am pleased to announce the demise of the incompetent Topological Nightmare last night at 21:52. This was not without difficulty, however. I apprehended the target within a crowded bar and revealed myself, for I am a police officer with honour and wanted my unarmed victim to know his impending fate. With a jazz band to provide suitably sweet and upbeat tones, a tough hand-to-hand brawl ensued, though the target proved no match for me, as I broke out of unarmed combat and was able to thrust a knife into his back, having previously twisted it into his arm. The revelers were nonetheless oblivious to the bloody scene that had occurred among them. Such is life.

Tuesday, 30 October

[08:20 AM] Beep. Boxy stabs Tom Byrne (The Penetrator). Beep. Beep.
Boxy reports:

I have stabbed to death The Penetrator.

[12:47 PM] RunningScared from dead people... except for Felicia Clara Jun Hui Tan (known as Felicia/FCT) (Darren Koh)
RunningScared reports:

Today I extended my long run of ineptitude and misery by making the attempts on the lives of 3 incos. If there is some sort of prize for the most enthusiastic and least successful assassin, I really deserve it.

12:05- Cunning snuck into [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] via the massive open gate and made my way into the depths of the college where I had been reliably informed an inco was lurking. Topological Nightmare was not only not there however, but that means they also delayed me to my next target. Incensed at the empty room's lack of response to knocking I swiftly left, scared that the door might enact some sort of terrible retribution to the one who knocked on it when the occupant was out, thus creating unnecessary wear and tear.

12:15-35- [UNSPECIFIED COURT], full of bad memories that almost forced me away as I arrived. Unfortunately this time I couldn't cunningly follow someone in as my delay at previous target meant people had been and gone. However, a lone figure happened to be waiting for someone from the college who very kindly let me in, whilst being given the full knowledge that I was here to kill someone (people are very nosy when you shiftily say you are 'looking for someone'). So I was in, and made my way to the door of a The Penetrator. Then I knocked and gained his interest by use of a cunning lie. Caution won out though, as he asked 'Are you an assassin by the way?' before opening the door. A quick affronted reply was sufficient to convince him I was definately not. SO he began to open the door in the most paranoid way possible before [BASICALLY GETTING CONFUSED ABOUT WHETHER HE WAS STILL ALIVE OR DEAD WHILST BEING SHOT AT. HE WAS DEAD] Now I wasn't going to give up there was I? After all then I couldn't write an absolute essay on my attempt, whilst trying desperately to add humour so that people will laugh. Also he had my bullet. So I tried to convince him that now he had my bullet, I was unarmed so he could just open the door and give it back. Unfortunately he didn't, as my reloaded gun was pointing straight at the door. He also had the cheek to drop it into the courtyard so I couldn't get back in! Cunning use of equipment on hand however, allowed me to dash out and grab my bullet whislt also getting back in. But alas he would not answer, and I believe he locked his door then, after possibly hearing me, which is a shame because that was another opportunity missed. He then did not respond to my knocking and no-one else on te staircase was there to help me lure him out. So I left, paranoid that he might follow, but he was content to hide in his safehouse.

12:47 Entered [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] to kill Darren Koh. This time the noise from the room indicted that they were in. Evntually I managed to get them to their door, confirm name, fire. I was too bad-tempered, ill and hungry to try anything elaborate. Her last words were, in essence, 'If you had killed me more inventively I'd have given you chocolate'. I mean, how badly can a day go?

[13:15 PM] that exciting feeling you get just before you go on holiday (Matthew Morgan) is wanted. Boxy needs a break.
Boxy reports:

He killed me by first hitting me with cosh and then stabbing me with knife (pen).

I am looking forward to seeing him in the wanted list >:).

[14:30 PM] Charon's Apprentice is incompetent.
Charon's Apprentice reports:

Earlier today, at around 2:30, I, as an incompetent seeking redemption, made a concerted effort to hunt down and kill one of my targets. At first I went in search of Elvis, but unfortunately she was not in her room, bringing an abrupt end to my otherwise perfectly executed search. Thus, I had to resort to Plan B, Dead-meat. Unfortunately I could not bring myself to kill a fellow incompetent (I was scared off by his or her fortress-like abode). Perhaps there is a reason for my incompetence...

[15:15 PM] YAAR! Emily Room (The Ghost Pirate LeChuck) be cursin' tha' vile landlubber RunningScared
The Ghost Pirate LeChuck reports:

YAAAAR!!! A curse upon these wretched landlubbers of Cambridge. This afternoon, there came a knock upon the door to my cabin. Believing it to be nothing but the hot winds of hell rattling the door, I ignored it until the knock came again. "Who is it?" I asked. "Hello, can we ask you something?" I kept the door shut as I spoke to them through the gap in the door. Upon questioning their motives, I reluctantly opened the door to allow them to speak with me more clearly only for a small orange object to whizz past my shoulder. The door shut once more and upon investigation this small orange object turned out to a bullet marked with a voodoo spell to allow it to kill ghosts such as myself. A dejected "YARR!" from outside told me my would-be killer was disappointed to have missed. He then asked whether I was the Ghost Pirate, or my incompetent roommate. I told him who I was, and he then sighed, once more disappointed, though this time because I was not his intended target. I then opened the door so that the voodoo bullet may be returned to him and was shot!

YAAAAAAAAARRRR!!!! But the Evil Ghost Pirate LeChuck can never be defeated and I shall return. [sound as of ghost exploding]

RunningScared reports:

Ok, been feeling restless...particularly since I realised that one of my targets The Ghost Pirate LeChuck lived with the incompetent Steampunk Pigeon. This was a tempting opportunity for a double kill. So I set out for [UNSPECIFIED ISLAND] and reached the required room. Already I was feeling slightly apprehensive about facing an ex-umpire and an inco together so my rather timid knock presumably went unheard. So I asked someone in a nearby room if they would knock to get the occupants out in the open but they were an ally, sadly though I wished to execute him my honour would not allow me to. So I was ready to give up, as surely they would be alerted by their willing ally? But some people left a room downstairs and I quickly convinced them to help me in the attack! They knocked and...just about got The Ghost Pirate LeChuck to open the door. So I spun out from the wall and fired...and missed. Again my targets reactions were admirable, slamming the door and dodging the deadly shot. I, as earlier, convinced them to give my bullet back, but despite no opportunity being given I persisted, asking who I was trying to kill. It was revealed that my incompetent target was out and that this was indeed The Ghost Pirate LeChuck. So I acted disappointed and said that I couldn't really just shoot at her then. So she foolishly opened the door and was shot fatally. So despite having willing teammate in a roommate it ultimately proved to be for her demise as it gave me an excuse for her to reopen her door. Sadly I could not wait for the return of her comrade to add another kill to my tally but the deceased was kind and helpful, offering the opportunity, even with her last breaths.

[15:55 PM] Tudor Balan (PsyDuck) is Dead-meat
Dead-meat reports:

Stabbed PsyDuck, as he was entering his room yesterday (3.55pm). Celebrated with some toast!

[18:14 PM] Brendan Clifford (Caligula) loses his LifeAndSoul.
LifeAndSoul reports:

Caligula lost his LifeAndSoul on the 30th day of October as a restless assassin wandered back from his practical class, disillusioned and frustrated with the world - killing would make it all better! So, the assassin ventured into the college of said incompetent, thinking dishing out punishment would help forget the tribulations of the day. Quickly an accomplice was accquired who pointed out the incompetent in the hall, where he was blissfully unaware as the assassin patrolled the isle, lightsabre in hand. The weapon was plunged into his back and the assassin smiled callously at his victim before leaving, proud of the achievement and feeling a bit better about life.

[19:40 PM] Steph Leddington (Steampunk Pigeon) gets clamped!
Francis X. Clampazzo reports:

Steampunk Pigeon killed via gun (Nerf Jolt) as she walked through a door. Sad times.

| Home || Email |
| News 01 || News 03 || News 04 || News 05 || News 06 || News 07 || Updates || Headlines || police || wanted || inco || stats |
Valid XHTML 1.1