Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 4 News

Wednesday, 7 November

[03:00 AM] Week 4! Asteroids incoming...
Random Strategy reports:

This angry deity will continue to pelt Cambridge with asteroids while people remain inactive.

[08:45 AM] Another psychofresher dies! Thomas (Tommy) Rychlik (Carpe Diem AKA You only live once AKA Life is short AKA Memento Mori) double kills with Thomas Clausen (Fluffi)
Memento Mori reports:

Following my embarrassing placement on the incompetent list I finally decided to something about it. Seeing another incompetent withing easy reach,I wandered over to Fluffi's room to see what I could do. Upon seeing his door wide open, I crept in, not realising I had walked straight into an ambush. As I waited Fluffi leapt in and in the ensuing gunfire both us and the room were destroyed. I hope my death serves to make the Guild a more competent and less Thomasey place.

I leave my good friend and mentor Ezio Auditore da Firenze everything and wish peace and affluence to all my friends and a piece of effluence to all my enemies.

Fluffi reports:

Today, I was approached by a hideous-looking creature when I was just walking down the stairs. I realised that, after I heard him darkly whispering my name, he was coming after me. I fled and asked a trusted friend to bring me a gun, which I duly received a few buildings away from my room. I then went back to my room, trying to get rid of the deadly threat. Unfortunately, we killed each other at the same time. Oh well, certainly a more honourable death than being hit by an asteroid.

[13:00 PM] Tristan Roberts (Schrodinger's Kill AKA the Killing vector)'s wave function finally collapses to the state of dead. The Lone Ranger is responsible.
The Lone Ranger reports:

At approximately midday, I was informed by one of my many undercover agents that one of my targets (Schrodinger's Kill) was just about to have a lecture. Wasting no time, I arrived at the lecture theatre and entered as the lecture was nearing its completion (1:00). Noting my targets location, I waited until the lecture was over, then followed him as he left the lecture hall. After that it was a simple kill; one blast from my Banana-gun 2000 and Schrodinger's Kill was no more.

Schrodinger's Kill reports:

Following my 12 o'clock lecture, as my wavefunction started to delocalise and extend back to my college, I heard a loud bang behind me and, as I fell towards the ground, saw a gun pointed where my head had been.

My assailant collapsed the wavefunction and so Schrodinger's Kill was killed. Unfortunately, having just stayed up the whole night before watching the US election and being in dire need of some sleep, I immediately forgot my assailant's name.

[13:00 PM] Gregory (Greg) Weir (Free Waterfall Jr.) got thunderbolted for no reason.
Random Strategy reports:


[13:35 PM] Borned and raised in the playground makes attempts on the two players who double-killed this morning...
Borned and raised in the playground reports:

Attempts were made on the incompetents Fluffi (13.38-13.48) and Memento Mori (13.20-13.35) today, but neither was to be found.

[16:00 PM] Frank Fontaine looks for some ADAM, but finds only Schrodinger's Killed corpse.
Frank Fontaine reports:

Today, I, Frank Fontaine, searched out a necromancer known as Schrodinger's Kill. I was surprised as you must have been when you heard the word "necromancer". A man of science like myself initially outright rejected the idea of anyone having the ability to raise the dead as voodoo claptrap. But I was informed by a reliable source of his existence and I can now attest to the truth of his nature. I had clearly forgotten the words of the Surface's greatest philosophers: Arthur C Clarke - "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic".

I had taken a brief vacation from having to coexist with these pathetic surface dwellers to return to the site of Rapture and think of what might have been. Imagine my surprise when I found, washed up on the shore, the lone body of a Splicer. The cogs of my mind whirred as I developed a scheme. If I could reanimate this sorry corpse, I could extract the ADAM from it, allowing me to last a little longer.

I went to the house of Schrodinger's Kill at about 4pm in order to enlist his help by any means, but it turns out that he had already been killed and, thanks to his own powers of magic, he had reanimated himself. As I quickly shot him, he shouted "I'm already dead! I'm already dead!". Annoyed that all I have achieved is the mutilation of a corpse, I remained a while to converse with Mr Schrodinger's Kill about what it was like being dead and then took my leave.

Schrodinger's Kill reports:

Having dragged my dying body to my room and slept the four hours between my arrival and my supervision, I awoke to a loud banging from the door. Clearly Schroedinger likes to test repeatability and so will not learn from a single mistake so I opened the door only to be shot several times by Frank Fontaine. In doing so however, he collapsed the wavefunction and saw that I was already dead.

[18:00 PM] Wheatley is bad at finding The Minister of Funny Walks and Miss Penguin.
Wheatley reports:

Whoah! Hello, The Minister of Funny Walks and Miss Penguin? Can you see the portal gun? Also, are you alive? That's important; should have asked that first. Oh, you're not even in your rooms. Well, that's OK! I'll wait! Then I'll come back, and, assuming I can locate you, I'll finish the job. Look, I've left you a little message so you know I've been here! . . . OH, OK THEN! LEAVE ME! SEE IF I CARE! I DIDN'T REALLY WANT TO KILL YOU ANYWAY!

Thursday, 8 November

[12:00 PM] Daniel (Danny) Hunt (Charon's Apprentice AKA The Lone Ranger) shoots the incompetent Matt Butler (The Minister of Funny Walks), but when going out to hunt with Pazuzu, both get stabbed by otzi the iceman (Rosanna O'Keeffe)
Charon's Apprentice reports:

Realising that a freshly made inco was one that attended my lectures, I launched a simple plan: to wait for him to leave at noon and then blow his brains out with my Banana-gun 3000. This indeed happened, and thus The Minister of Funny Walks lay slain.

Fuelled by blood-lust, I later started out from my college to seek fresh incompetent blood, with a trusted police agent (Pazuzu). Not 20 metres from the exit, however, a vicious assailant struck him with a knife. Too dazed by what I had seen, I did not realise until too late that I had been the intended target, and as a result I was promptly stabbed by otzi the iceman. I can only hope that the Wanted List treats her harshly for killing a member of the police.

Pazuzu reports:

I teamed up with Charon's Apprentice to go and hunt down two incompetents at [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGES]. We were just leaving from CA's home, going out along the Styx, when otzi the iceman ambled casually up to us and without warning stabbed me with her dagger. My death happened too fast for CA to retaliate, and his gun was only half drawn before otzi the iceman stabbed him too. In order to confuse our targets, CA and I were wearing the same colour of hoodie, and I was taken in by our cunning ruse - CA (her intended target) nearly escaped.

The Minister of Funny Walks reports:

Following the end of my lectures, I sallied forth from the lecture hall, only to be grieviously assaulted by Charon's Apprentice weilding a banana gun. He shot me fatally in the heart before I had the opportunity to spring away, and I fell to my knees as my life flolloped away from me. I must regretfully resign from the Ministry.

[13:30 PM] Wheatley discovers The Minister of Funny Walks is a corpse.
The Minister of Funny Walks reports:

An hour and a half after being killed I thought I had finally come to terms with my death, but then Wheatley decided to remind me of my morbid state by shooting me in the face. I'm not sure what he had to gain from this macabre act, but it certainly ruined my funeral.

Wheatley reports:

Hello, The Minister of Funny Walks! This is the part where I kill you!

-N-N-No. Come back, please! Oh, you're already dead. Well, that was easy. I knew I could do it.

[15:44 PM] Baron Kuckrich can't find Squirtle.
Baron Kuckrich reports:

Went to [UNSPECIFIED] College, camped outside the room of Squirtle from 3:32 to 3:44, listened at the door. No luck.

[18:05 PM] Baron Kuckrich still can't find Squirtle.
Baron Kuckrich reports:

Also failed this time. Went to the abode of Squirtle at 5:52 and stayed till about 6:05, unfortunately he did not seem to be around. I probably looked pretty suspicious to passers-by, unfortunately.

[19:00 PM] Swishy rids the world of the incompetent John Dylan Musson (known as Dylan) (RedcoatAxemurderer)
Swishy reports:

At 19.00 today I decided, as I was in the vicinity, to assassinate a known incompetent from [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE], RedcoatAxemurderer. I located his lodgings with no difficult and proceeded to find a willing accomplice to get him to open his door. My accomplice did her job excellently and as she engaged in slightly stilted conversation with him I jumped out from my hiding place and flung a pen-knife at him. He reflexes were quick, but not as quick as my knife and before the door closed on him it had buried itself in his chest, just below the shoulder. Shouting "Ha, I got you!", I pushed the door open to find him bleeding to death on the floor. His final words, as he handed me back the weapon that had killed him, were to congratulate me on my skilled throw. Then he died. Incompetents beware, Swishy will be after you!

[21:55 PM] Nanobots are a threat neither to The Captain nor to The evil turnip overlord
Nanobots reports:

The nanobots were pissed. They had lost a lot of nanomoney on nanobetting. Who'd have thought that quantum fluctuations could have been so damn unpredictable? Angry, the nanobot swarm formed attack mode, with all their spiky microdomains bristling. But at that moment, ever the opportunist, kT decided to strike. All their efforts were swept away by random thermal motion. Alas - thermal energy!

Friday, 9 November

[08:00 AM] Karmanator has it all: karma,LifeAndSoul.
LifeAndSoul reports:

Frustratingly trying to find Karmanator - have loitered around her room and the hall for 20 minutes on Wednesday and 10 minutes yesterday (Friday), trying to catch her off guard - proving elusive though - perhaps more attempts are required with an inside source...

[15:00 PM] tacticallemon's Austerity Measures lead to the death of Katherine Macfarland (Karmanator), but Lord Downey and Gaius Frakin' Baltar survive them.
tacticallemon reports:

The lemon made another excursion today. After (somehow) rolling upstairs Austerity Measures and I eventually found the room of Karmanator, whose door, the single greatest defense against rolling fruit, was very helpfully open. Austerity Measures went in first, disabling her arm before she could return fire and what followed was effectively a two man firing squad (well, not so much two men as an economic policy and a small citrus fruit). The incompetent is no more.

Emboldened by our success, we waited outside the rooms of Gaius Frakin' Baltar and Lord Downey. We heard movement inside, but after someone else on the corridor passed us realised that they probably now knew we were there, and our efforts were doomed to failure. We nonetheless waited the required time, but knew no success. Not wanting to get mouldy, I hurried back to my fridge.

Austerity Measures reports:

This afternoon tacticallemon and I ventured to [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] to pick off some incos.

We first reached the room of Karmanator. Her door was open and a furious battle erupted in which her arm was shot off, beginning a rapid exchange of fire - until she realized her weapon arm had been the first casualty! The entry of tacticallemon with his watergun dispelled any doubt as to her mortality.

We then ventured to the rooms of Gaius Frakin' Baltar and Lord Downey. We loitered with intent for what seemed an eternity, but with no luck, and the sun setting, we beat a hasty retreat to safety and the fridge.

[15:00 PM] Hedgehog finds neither Sheep nor Lord Downey
Hedgehog reports:

Beautiful day was today! End of week and, I hoped, was suppose to be the end of life of some of my targets... Sadly I was not able to find neither Sheep (14.00-14.10), nor Lord Downey (14.45-15.00).

[16:35 PM] Mom and Tinny Tim make a daring police raid on the wanted criminal Rosanna O'Keeffe (otzi the iceman) to avenge their fallen comrade!
Mom reports:

Me and Tinny Tim entered [THE EVIL LAIR] with heads held high and weapons loaded. Yet again we penetrated the thick defenses of the area, moving silently and quickly. No-one saw us, as we affirmed once or twice to each person we met. Yet we were foiled once more by that cunning device, that pointlesslt cruel invention. The lock. But we got in again anyway, becoming quite a creepy habit that. Yet the door was locked and no noise was heard. Alas it looked to be another failure. But we watched and we waited and then we heard the noise of someone returning. A quick glance confirmed that they were unlocking the right room, and weapons drawn we both engaged wih startling ferocity. They were very much dead. Our comradeship in the police deems that the kill was very shared. Also its quite hard to tell. Job done, but the noise attracted several witnesses, including the deceased inco Alex Rider. Short conversation ensued but we didn't know how that pool of blood happened, no not at all. Thus we avenge a fellow policeperson by the murder of otzi the iceman.

[18:00 PM] Robert (Rob) May-Miller (Lord Downey) makes the mistake of talking to Francis X. Clampazzo.
Francis X. Clampazzo reports:

Lord Downey got clamp'd by making conversation with me just after I'd checked the inco list. Awkward turtle.

Saturday, 10 November

[00:00 AM] Bryony (Bry) Choy (NED) spontaneously combusts.
Random Strategy reports:

The Flying Spaguetti Monster is currently out partying and is probably drunk, so I had to use something other than asteroids.

[12:20 PM] We shall dine on penguin tonight! Natalia Mole (Miss Penguin) is barbequed by a Levitating BBQ.
Levitating BBQ reports:

I waited for the incompetent Miss Penguin to leave her college eating area and then shot her in the back.

[13:00 PM] The Captain and Swishy team up yet again to hunt down some incos.
The Captain reports:

Captain's Log, Stardate 66326.7

The incompetence wave is spreading, and I fear that I may succumb. The Nanobots are closing in, altering the very fabric of the ship. I don't know if she can hold together much longer.

In a last ditch attempt, my ally Swishy and I set off to destroy more incompetents - The Gruffalo in the [UNSPECIFIED] System, Miss Penguin in the [UNSPECIFIED] Nebula and Gaius Frakin' Baltar in the [UNSPECIFIED] Sector.

Despite spending a considerable length of time in each system - and even coming face-to-face, unbeknownst to us at one point with The Gruffalo - our strenuous efforts to wipe them from the face of the galaxy were unsuccessful.

Hopefully it will be enough to stave off the incompetence contagion from my ship. This time...

Captain, out.

Swishy reports:

At roughly 13.00 The Captain and I set of in search of incompetents to kill. Our first stop was at [UNSPECIFIED SYSTEM], where we hoped to end the life of The Gruffalo. We located his lair and knocked on the door, but no answer came. After lying in wait for a while, we gave up the attempt. However, just as we were about to leave, two suspicious looking individuals walked into the very same staircase we had just exited. We were certain that one of them was The Gruffalo, but did not wish to risk killing an innocent, so made no attempt on his life yet. We waited a few seconds and then followed them in, hoping to catch The Gruffalo leave his lair again. As we waited a further 10 minutes outside the door, we could hear movement, but could think of no way in which to lure out our victim. Eventually we gave up once more.

Our next stop was at [UNSPECIFIED NEBULA], where we wished to find and murder Miss Penguin. We searched for her hideout for nigh on half an hour, but could find every staircase except hers! Dismayed at yet another defeat, we moved on to the known location of a third incompetent whom The Captain had been intent upon killing since an attempt made a week ago, Gaius Frakin' Baltar. Unfortunately, as last time, he was not to be found in his den, so after another furtive ten minute wait we left. Downhearted at not having killed anyone today, I returned home. But Swishy will be back to get you, (hopefully with more luck) never fear!

Sunday, 11 November

[00:00 AM] An anonymous bounty...

Anyone (police or player) making a kill with a particularly silly weapon will be rewarded with chocolate.

[13:45 PM] Mom does lots today. Nina Jones (Vetinari) is among the dead.
Mom reports:

Today was very busy, all in a short time... 13:32: I was shocked to discover that fellow officer Winston Churchill's head was an incompetent. The fact that a fellow officer would neglect his duty was bad enough, but that our glorious Umpire would advocate his killing despite his steadfast loyalty (albeit a loyalty that wasn't shown) was shocking. A succession of pathetic attempts followed, did I really have what it took to kill a fellow officer? Knowledge of the bounty lead me to his room at 13:31, armed with a weighted companion cube (thank you GLaDOS!). Though my faithful friend is precious to me I cast it into Winston's face defiling the area with his blood. While the Weighted Companion Cube will NEVER threaten to stab you, it can do so without warning.

13:35: While fellow officer Tinny Tim has been my accomplice more times than I can count, this time the tables were turned! I wanted an accomplice for yet another excursion into the dreaded [INCO-HOLE], lair of Vetinari, another incompetent! But Tealeaf had gone inco yet again...So the plan was for me to be my honest police self and explain the whole plan to him. Then Tinny Tim wanted to shoot him. I did not mind this, I was ambivalent. Whether one person accompanied me or another then I did not mind. However, he was paranoid from the off, and I had to disarm completely and agree a no-kill agreement. I then entered his room hands raised and unarmed. Straight into the barrel of the biggest nerf gun I have ever seen. He was still suspicious then. But he seemed to agree with the plan and lead me out at gunpoint. A staircase spy informed him of Tinny Tim who span round the corner and fired. The shot hit the spy, poetic justice I suppose, and I hit the wall as Tealeaf opened up. My erstwhile companion lay very much dead on the floor and I was led out at gunpoint. But the whole [INCO-HOLE] thing fell apart because Tealeaf legged it, despite the fact that I had agreed there not to kill him. Possibly a shame really. I needed someone to help me with my target.

13:45 Or did I?! I rushed over to [INCO-HOLE] and broke in again. Cruel fate dictated I could not go any further, until a helpful figure intervened. Brainwashing techniques known as 'friendship' almost prevented me progressing but they reluctantly allowed me into the corridor and then ran away. They were surprisingly calm considering I said that I'd killed another of her friends in the college and tried on another, but failed. She still wasn't sure I was police rather than assassin but I was in. I drew my weapon and tried the door. Bursting in at lightning speed I was immediately hit but a cunning sonic weapon, she can scream quite impressively. But I let off 2 rapid-fire rounds, silencing her. She was dead and another inco cleared! She did throw a book at me after her death though. She might be holding a grudge. She seemed nice enough afterwards though, at least I wasn't escorted out at gunpoint, hear that Tealeaf? Learn some courtesy!

But several things bothered me...a policeman being incompetent, that a fellow assassin could not trust a policeman sufficiently, surely I am an arbiter of justice? I can bring pain to the worthless and relief to the good. I cleanse the world of incos and my reward is suspicion and more killing. Also the people I have killed were good and true, albeit good and true assassins...why must we kill and destroy, why can we not work together? Why is the umpire allowed to boss us around? I am still loyal, incompetents shall die by my hand. But the question of rebellion against the umpire, and first the forces loyal to him is beginning to grow. I can only hope that the next few kills leave me with no more doubts...

The Umpire reminds you he can summon lightning anytime and anywhere he feels like it.

Tealeaf reports:

Another fever of incompetence upon me, another vicious attack. This time, the fuzz came to the door, and, unbeknownst to me, with an assassin [ACTUALLY, MORE FUZZ] in tow. Again came the silver-tongued killers, making promises of co-operation, ha!

Once again, my cynicism and paranoia led me to demand disarmament, and I prepared myself to open the door and negotiate cautiously. But as my hand wrapped itself around the door handle, a call came in "He's not alone." sounded the gruff voice of my wary accomplice over the phone. I dropped the negotiations, readied the heavy weapon and unlocked the door. I stood back, crouched down and set up the machine gun aiming at the door.

"Come in." I called to the officer. Walking in, he was startled by the size of the weapon, and past him I could see that the corridor was clear. Another accomplice of mine arrived, and showed me the policeman's pistols, "Stashed nearby." he said. Heart pounding I escorted the officer out at gunpoint and down the corridor, with accomplice marching in front.

Suddenly, another murderous bastard swung out from behind a wall, wielding what had to be a .44 magnum. I fired a single bullet, missing wildly. An explosive shot rang out and my loyal accomplice spun around, eyes wide with shock and pain, before collapsing to the floor. My partner, my friend, had been cruelly blown away.

The world seemed to slow down. The officer dived for cover, and the assassin began to twist away, but my second shot was true, and hit him between the shoulder blades. Shaken by the loss of my accomplice, I escorted the officer out at gunpoint, dropped my gun, and ran before he could come to his senses.

R.I.P. Raymond

Vetinari reports:

Died yesterday, shot by a very lucky Mom. And yes Mom, I am holding a grudge. I'll be back.

[14:45 PM] Despite taking assassins incredibly seriously, [Someone drunk] (Dead-meat) is incompetent.
Dead-meat reports:

Umpire, I'm suspecting police corruption. If i hunt down and kill a police officer of your choice will you grant exemption from lighting attacks!? Please Umpire I'm a god-fearing assassin finalist who doesn't have the time to wait around to kill something!

Also if you could make it easy for me by giving me a time, place perhaps that you are meeting a key police officer and crucially not tell them about it, I will use ICED water in my attack. What do you say?

Random Strategy reports:


I can see you you fit the label "incompetent" very well.

Dead-meat reports:

I prefer "cheeky" but incompetent is fine.

Sorry just thought it would be fun, but perhaps that's not the aim.

Please thunderbolt me

Random Strategy reports:

OK then! Thunderbolted, you have been!

[16:00 PM] Doctor Perceptron makes a good attempt on clumsy ferret
Perceptron reports:

At about 4pm today, I made an attempt on the incompetent clumsy ferret. Masquerading as someone delivering free chocolate as part of a welfare event, I managed to convince her to open the door. With one of her hands now occupied by holding the chocolate, I lunged with my knife, however I was met with a thrown knife myself. With both of us unsure as to whether our attacks had struck home due to the inherent chaos of the battlefield, we agreed to call it a draw for today. We then had a rather pleasant conversation, before I left, assuring her that this would be continued another day. Today's findings: ferrets like chocolate.

Monday, 12 November

[12:00 PM] Frank Fontaine proves biology is superior to machinery by shooting Mary Dai (Godfrey)
Frank Fontaine reports:

Fontaine loves a good betrayal.

Next on my list was a computer scientist. I personally trust them about as far as (1/the distance I can throw them). Give me the wonders of biology over the unthinking, unfeeling screens of a machine. My own body is testament to this fact, as it is not imbibed with machinery and software, but it is instead powered by serums, tonics and plasmids. Ryan, however, did not see it that way - he saw the future as you Surface dwellers did, where computers and their by-products would bring about a golden age of information sharing and efficiency.

My target today, a Ms Godfrey, was a contact of mine in the fishery business. She tried to take over my business - MY BUSINESS - and "modernise" it. Bring in automation. I say no. I remain faithful to the power of humanity.

The fact that her life is now vanquished is the final proof that man will always be the victor over simple machines.

Thanks to assistance from one of her fellow colleagues that I had subtly convinced to let slip where she would be having lectures, I waited for her. Success had eluded me for so long - would I have the strength and the nerve attack her? I pulled myself together and trusted in the ADAM. As she passed me, I called her name and shot her twice. She, at first, did not notice the bullets tearing through her body and attempted to stab me (perhaps she is part-android?). But no avail - she was already long gone from this earth.

And then we went to Pret.

(I'm probably going to get killed by Nanobots, now, aren't I?)

Godfrey reports:

Godfrey here, reporting from the afterlife. It's nice, no one's shooting rubber bands at me or stalking me after lectures. I said farewell to this cruel world at around noon today - luckily there is good food in the afterlife. All's well. Over and out.

[15:54 PM] Mom is the only true villain! Jack Brewster (The evil turnip overlord) is overthrown!
Mom reports:

Eager to restore my standing with the Umpire, as otherwise I would have to convert my body into a Faraday Cage, I went out and committed murder. Again. This is becoming quite a habit. So, I had to go shopping so I passed by [UNSPECIFIED FORTRESS]. Funny place. But I slipped in, like a ghost. As I approached the accommodation I grew ever more confident and I grasped my weapon with conviction. This is what I am meant to do! Then I ran into a card-locked door. Using various methods at my disposal I attempted to open the door. These included: looking at it, walking away and back towards it to see if the card reader would miraculously disappear and trying to find other ways around. But I got through and crept towards my target, The evil turnip overlord. There he was, behind that door...which he readily opened and was shot. His first reaction was an exact quote of the now sadly deceased Vetinari: 'How did you get in, this place is a fortress!'. This time I felt no qualms about the murder, he was plainly evil, I mean have you seen his name? After that we had a nice enough conversation and I went on my way. I got very damp. I blame you The evil turnip overlord!

This time is was not the murder that left me discontent, it was the threat from the Umpire to one of his most loyal officers, an absolute psycho who has slaughtered many an assassin and incompetent. Is that right for people to do that? No matter, there are more incos to hunt.

The evil turnip overlord reports:

At roughly 16:00 I heard a knock on my door. Carefully putting down my pen and comfortable in the belief that my building was a veritable fortress I opened the door. It was as the foam dart struck my chest that I realised this had been a poor move. At least there is always next season.

[18:00 PM] GLaDOS searches for a Sheep.
GLaDOS reports:

I have a surprise for you. Telling you would spoil the surprise, so I'll just give you a hint: It involves meeting an assassin. Deploying surprise in 5, 4,... Time out for a second, that wasn't supposed to happen. Why are you not in your relaxation vault?

[21:00 PM] Sal is so incompetent he managed to set himself on fire with a Levitating BBQ
Levitating BBQ reports:

Saw Sal so thought I may as well shoot him.

Sal reports:

Shot last night by Levitating BBQ, a very sad end to a perfect pleasant night of watching Paxo vs Students. As an inco policeman I very much deserve it. Because I could not stop for death...

[22:30 PM] Tealeaf (Rudi Mears) goes on a rampage! Hannes Whittingham (Sheep) and Yarden Eitan (Yarneo) are slain, as well as 2 innocents.
Tealeaf reports:

Tonight I ventured out with the intention of slaying many. Armed with a sweet sounding Tommy gun, I claimed two lives and haunted many more.

The first venture was to the residence of clumsy ferret, where myself and my latest accomplices lurked suspiciously around the darkened corners of the building and planned an attempt. After a quarter hour of stakeout we tried the door, but no answer came, and we moved on.

Our next strike was to be in [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE]. A quick knock of Squirtle' door affirmed that he was away, and so we continued to the portal of Sheep. Approaching his door, a venegeful neighbour cheerfully pointed out that his door was open. I steadied myself. I burst in and fired off two shots, once of which struck him in the back as he sat peacefully at his keyboard. Another notch on the barrel at around 9:30pm.

The next nearest target for us was a certain Yarneo. After much searching (prolonged by misunderstanding that R209 != room 209) we found the staircase. Entering this was also a challenge, and after shooting at the windows to no avail, we followed a passer-by in. Even inside was fortress like, but when we came to the final hurdle, I saw that the door was unlocked. I rammed the door open, and bloodthirstily opened up the machine gun, killing all three people inside, despite a dive for safety by Yarneo himself. Sadly, in the aftermath, I realised that two of the dead were completely innocent, and that their blood was on my hands.

Traumatised by the massacre, I carried on, accomplices at my sides, aiming for a clean kill. Our next stop was Trinity, where I encountered the icy cold Ezio Auditore da Firenze. After knocking with a poorly prepared and executed lie, we lay in wait for a few minutes, scaring the other local students, before deciding to abandon the attempt on the spineless coward's life.

Still pained by the gore of [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE], I moved on to my next target at [UNSPECIFIED], The evil turnip overlord, none other than the cunning hitman who'd come close to finishing me twice! Arriving at the complex however, the wily old porter saw straight through our lies. I was tense and nervous that this would become yet another botched job, but our innocent demeanour convinced him, and he kindly led us to the assassin's abode. A knock was enough to trigger what could only have been a post-mortem muscular spasm that opened the door to us. Sadly, he was already dead. I shot the corpse in bitterness, and made my way back.

Arriving home, I found a note that read 'Beware! Mom and Tinny Tim (with a broken arm) will keep trying until you are dead.' We'll see coppers!

For slaying 2 innocents, the penalty should be 6 days and 2 kills. However, the umpire approves of rampages, and Tealeaf did slay two people while on it, so this sentence has been reduced to 4 days.

The umpire may also be responsible for the note on the door.

Ezio Auditore da Firenze reports:

Crouching outside the door of my vicino di casa will not work.

Ezio has eyes everywhere. Ezio knows the four who tried to attack him. Ezio saw them riding back on their bikes to the college of our great belligerent leader. Ezio will hunt them down.

We work in the dark, to serve the light.

The evil turnip overlord reports:

At about 22:30 having just got back from a JCR meeting there was another knocking on my door. Surely, this late at night with the portcullis firmly shut no one would knock wishing me any harm? Alas I opened the door to see my arch nemesis and his team of assassins as well as the porter who had led them here and betrayed me. As the bullets hit my dead and lifeless corpse I started to regret annoying the porters through continual loss of keys.

Tuesday, 13 November

[00:00 AM] Asteroid 2!
Random Strategy reports:

Daniel Stephen Hunt (Dan) (The Gruffalo) , Ruiyao Sun (Frank), Stephen Hobbs (Squirtle) all get hit.

This is probably going to be the last one, unless too many people decide to stay inactive

You may have noticed this event was at a different time in an earlier version of the site. This is entirely so that a certain assassin can be awarded the kills he made of people who were about to be hit by the asteroid.

Yes. The umpire can turn back time, although prefers not to use that power too much as it has a tendency of causing paradoxes.

[13:00 PM] Ezio Auditore da Firenze is able to survive the harsh climate In West Philadelphia (Martin Chan, aka In West Philadelphia AKA Borned and raised in the playground died)
Ezio Auditore da Firenze reports:

Ezio spied an inco (In West Philadelphia) sitting down to eat pranzo. Although not chiaro, an image in the ancient codex of Marco di Zuckerberg betrayed Ezio's target, and he soon felt a stiletto in his back.

Requiescat in pace.

In West Philadelphia reports:

Just got stabbed by a stiletto while consuming some food in hall by Ezio Auditore da Firenze. Didn't have any gunanas or windows to throw bombs from, so I was pretty defenseless.

[17:55 PM] Baron Kuckrich travels In West Philadelphia to find Ezio Auditore da Firenze. Little does he know that no one lives In West Philadelphia anymore.
Baron Kuckrich reports:

At about 5:00 PM I went out to [PHILADELPHIA] to hunt an inco and a target. I went to the door of the first, looked in the window, determined he was there but decided to check out the other one before doing anything. I did; he was not in. So I went back to the first guy (In West Philadelphia) and waited in the hallway for him for about half an hour. I had to occasionally hide from passersby and occasionally sneak up to his door to try an listen in on what he was doing. I nearly killed his neighbor by mistake. Finally, I gave up and approached his door, preparing to just try and bust in. I listened and I could hear him putting his coat on! I waited in silence for him to open his door, my nerf gun at the ready. Unfortunately, he looked in his peephole before opening the door, and freaked out--so I walked away. As I turned to leave he opened his door! I rushed at him and he yelped "whoa, don't kill me, I'm already dead!" or something to that effect. Alas. This happened at about 5:55 or so.

[21:40 PM] The Nanobots are still bad at killing either meleagrine or Gaius Frakin' Baltar
Nanobots reports:

The nanobots awakened. Of course, they were already awake but for the benefit of dramatic effect they awoke once more anyway. Drawing themselves up to their full height of 10^-9 m, they prepared to launch a nanoassault on their unsuspecting targets. But they were hiding. Even approximating the limit as particle size tends to zero, the nanobots could not break through. It was impenetrable. The exclusion principle was too strong. So the nanobots returned to nanosleep, dreaming nanodreams about a fantastical world in which everything was a billion times larger...

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