Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 5 News

Wednesday, 14 November

[03:00 AM] Week 5!
Random Strategy reports:

Although the picture below may look like a typical steriotypical Parisian, but if you look closely, there are a few clues that should lead you to conclude that such an individual is probably an assassin. Firstly, the box of chocolates in his hand are marked "Happy Valentine's Day", when it isn't anywhere near Valentine's day. Secondly, he is brandishing a bunch of silly weapons (plungers) in his left cleverly disguised as flowers. Thirdly, he looks delighted at the thought of extra chocolate in the form of the bounty on silly weaponry.

If you see such an individual, the recommended course of action is to kill them before they can hit you with a plunger. Since he is bearing, he is a valid kill for any live assassin.

[11:00 AM] Melanie Mertesdorf (meleagrine) finally looses her LifeAndSoul too.
LifeAndSoul reports:

Aaaaahh.. how sweet it is! After having waited outside the lecture theatre for 3 Monday's in a row (she didn't turn up to any.. tut tut), today the deed was finally done. Leaning on a pillar outside, she emerged and I gave her the evilest stare I could, smiling menacingly - there was no way out now. She must've thought I was unarmed given that she exited the lecture theatre - that was when the weapon was revealed, my oh so trusty lightsabre, and used to claim my prize. Thanks for assissting me in one of my previous kills, but all's fair in love and assassins ;)

meleagrine reports:

LifeAndSoul tragically stabbed me to death at 11 am this morning, after many thwarted attempts.

[15:30 PM] Swishy is not very succesful at hunting Frank Fontaine, meleagrine and Gaius Frakin' Baltar.
Swishy reports:

At about 15.30 I decided to go on the hunt for my target Frank Fontaine of [UNSPECIFIED] college. I assumed that his hideout was within the grounds of his college, so went here first, only to sneak around for 20 minutes and not find his lair. Having gathered by this time that his hideout was not here, I asked a friendly looking passerby where the accommodation in question is. I was dismayed to find that it was quite far away, but was nevertheless determined to murder my target. Upon arriving at the new coordinates, I lurked for a further 15 minutes, but was unable to get in and sadly no innocents whom I could have persuaded to let me in passed in that time.

Downheartened by this failure, I decided to make an attempt on the life of meleagrine, a target of mine as well as an incompetent. I got into her college with no difficulty, but was stuck when it came to the door to her staircase. I waited about 10 minutes for someone to let me in and was about to give up when an innocent arrived and unlocked the door to the staircase. I hopefully asked if he knew my target, but he unfortunately did not, so I continued to search for meleagrine's den unaided. Upon locating her lair, I noticed someone in the kitchen close by. I wondered if this could be my target, but thought that surely if she were an assassin she would have noticed me sneaking around by now. I waited outside my target's lair and sure enough the mysterious figure from the kitchen returned to this place. After having also confirmed by name that this was indeed meleagrine, I struck her in the chest with a throwing knife, which promtly landed in the cup of coffee she was holding. Unfortunately, for the second time now, my target was already dead, unbeknownst to me, so I had merely contaminated a corpses' coffee with biro ink. Why do people keep dying just before I am about to murder them!??

Not being quite sure whether killing a corpse counts as an attempt, I decided to try one last time for today to claim a life. I went back again to the hideout of Gaius Frakin' Baltar, a notorious incompetent. As usual, he did not seem to be in, although I did have a brief encounter with a neighbour of his, who was incredibly suspicious of my claim that he is a friend of mine. Maybe the dagger is what did it...? Anyway, after this I waited at the bottom of Gaius Frakin' Baltar's staircase for about fifteen minutes, before giving up and retreating to my hideout. Next time please be in Gaius Frakin' Baltar, I want some assassiney action! As long as I'm the right end of the weapon that is...

meleagrine reports:

Also, Swishy from [UNSPECIFIED COLLEGE] threw a pen-knife at me this afternoon at 4pm, not realizing I was already dead. I passed my target list on to her.

[16:30 PM] Another attempt by Mom and Tinny Tim (with a broken arm) to take out the wanted criminal Tealeaf!
Tealeaf reports:

Not contented by their brutality in murdering my accomplice, the police returned today. Catching me with my door open, we each let fly a ineffective bullet before I slammed my door shut. A long standoff ensued, with one of the police, Tinny Tim (with a broken arm), attempting to crawl around the slightly ajar door as an accomplice opened it to negotiate. I shot him in the head, and we then kept his corpse for while.

Eventually, we decided to release the body, and away they went after some discussion. Admittedly I was quite hostile, and kept my gun on target at all times, sorry about that.

[16:30 PM] Hedgehog is just as succesful as usual when hunting Baron Kuckrich and clumsy ferret.
Hedgehog reports:

Today seemed like a good day to spill some blood. Went to find Baron Kuckrich at 4pm, but no luck... My next attempt was clumsy ferret at 4.30. Sadly this was not any luckier :( So it seems that today was not that good day after all...

[17:00 PM] Mom discovers the shocking truth about the umpire, Random Strategy ! :O
Mom reports:

This note claiming to be from me I have had nothing to do with and was unaware of its existence. It's a particularly poor framing attempt!

Random Strategy reports:

Yes! Secretely I've been working against you this whole time! Although you thought I was your friend, I've actually been on Tealeaf's side, plotting to make him the winner of the game! I'll tell you a secret: Tealeaf is currently number n on my list of people "worthy of winning"! As you have correctly guessed, I gave him the note so as to avoid him dying.

Face it, you've been wrong about every single thing you've ever done in the game. Everything you've done has made the game progress towards a state of only 1 person left alive. And also with that person being as high as possible in the worthiness list!

Mom reports:

I knew it! The game is biased and rigged and you sit as the tyrant atop your throne of self-importance. People's lives are lost because of you and you seek to control the outcome and to kill off those who get in your way. Well no longer! I shall duel you and leave your body as an example that change is coming. The revolution shall begin!

For dramatic effect, a few things in the umpire's report may be exaggerated, and others may also be outright lies.

[18:10 PM] Mom commences her evil plan to take over the world! Starting with the defeat of the umpire! (Matthew Fitch AKA Random Strategy AKA GLaDOS)
Mom reports:

The final straw has been broken, the final die cast! I will not be impersonated by the Umpire, risking my life for his entertainment! Throughout this term the Umpire has slashed competence deadlines to open up people to attack, he has cast thunderbolts at those he dislikes and he has threatened any who questions him. I have gradually become disillusioned with this supposed figure of 'authority'. What right has he to set people to die? I have killed many in his name and have come to realise that not all is as it should be. Those who I have killed may have done wrong, but is death the only punishment? Some of them were nice people, we could possibly have been friends! Had I not come bursting in and shot them that is. But who told me to? Who is giving the orders? Who decides who shall live and who shall die? The Umpire! We are told that 'The Umpire is immortal, omnipotent, omniscient and completely immune to any form of mind control. Players attempting to test these propositions may be placed on the Wanted List and may also find themselves subject to the cruciatus curse'. What is this but a threat and a claim that he is the only one for power? Immune to mind control? I doubt it. Omniscient? Why do we have to report to him, he's powerless without us. Omnipotent? Thunderbolts and asteroids are all very well but not exactly overly hard to engineer. Immortal? Ok I might concede that one. Still I tested it today though! Thus we can conclude that he holds no sway over us, his only real power lies in those around him. The police. Having spent some time in the police I have come to realise that we are no more than thugs, sent to kill people who we may or may not know, people who could be our friends, or people we want to be our friends. Is this really an honourable job? Is this truly a job worthy of some of the finest assassins around? NO. It is time to rise up against this tyranny, cast aside the propaganda, cast aside all the Umpire has told you. We must fight him, remove his power, in his police force, half of whom are incompetent, presumably in protest against this tyranny we face. May we rise up together, I will see you all on the battlefield, whether it be on my side, where I can confirm we have an array of weapons and a limited supply of chocolate! Or be it on the other side, the side of the former assassin turned traitor. If I meet you then, you will be on the end of weapon, begging for mercy. May your death cleanse you of your sins and you rejoin with me, fighting for justice and the true cause! If you have your doubts, if I was your killer and thus you bear a grudge, remember, without the dictator we have now then I wouldn't have come after you and killed you. Follow my lead and kill those who admire the Umpire! As evidence that I will fight with you, I have duelled the Umpire to attempt an end to his reign of terror but this is not enough! I need your help! Bring your weapons, embrace the title of 'Corrupt' and let us win this WAR! Replace the Umpire with someone of a more even temperament and probably some sort of communistic views, as that seems to be how revolutions work. To battle! Your inspiration (not glorious leader because that might be slightly hypocritical!) AB

GLaDOS reports:

Well you found me. Congratulations. Was it worth it? Because despite your violent behaviour, the only thing you've managed to break so far, is my heart. Maybe you can settle for that and we'll just call it a day. I guess we both know, that isn't going to happen.


Please, I can despite being attached to the ceiling, your aim is so poor I can dodge all your shots with ease. Here's a new friend for you to play with! The rocket turret!

Remember your friend the companion cube? You murdered the first one, then I gave you a second, and it murdered Sir Winston Churchill. Face it, your entire existance has been a mathematical error. Everything you've done has been playing right into my hands. You've been killing all the people I want you to kill! Killing me would be a mistake, just like all the others!

Have you ever been hit repetitively with a spoon for 10 years? Because I have a special test chamber, whose entire purpose is discovering how long humans can survive that kind of torture! If you're still alive once I'm finished with you you'll be sent there. Trust me, the rocket really is the way to go.



GLaDOS reports:

Did you honestly think that could stop me? You may think you've won, but I am still alive! Yes! I'm doing science and I'm still alive! I am very, very pleased with the results of the test. By all means, continue murdering my minions. I can make more: they're absolutely worthless.

In the mean time, the testing must continue, even in dire circumstances! For science!

[22:30 PM] George Brade (LifeAndSoul) loses his to notorious criminal mass murderer Tealeaf!
LifeAndSoul reports:

The LifeandSoul do not go on forever! After an attempt out of bounds on Tealeaf, I decided that he had to die, having killed 4 innocents already! Indeed, I approached the staircase and saw one of his mates in the kitchen cooking. An accomplice outside advised me that they usually eat together and reconnaisance yesterday informed me that the person who was in the kitchen was on the rota. So, I hid behind a wall in the staircase, waiting for the caring Tealeaf to come out and check on said kitchen person. Indeed, this occurred, yet I had started to shift position to get a better attacking angle - Tealeaf had evidently heard this noise and, already armed due to paranoia, shot me down as I charged on the corridor - my lightsabre just a couple of feet from his chest. He had not identified me as a killer but was ready all the same - a dangerous foe indeed...

Tealeaf reports:

It had already been a tense day, another police raid came closer than ever, someone had tried my door-handle and seemingly disappeared into thin air (prompting a high-octane standoff between myself and no-one, involving a remotely opened door and a dummy made of bedding) and my program was failing.

Hearing unfamiliar voices in the corridor, I armed myself, and observed the corridor through the peephole. Immediately I saw someone acting conspicuously, darting from wall to wall. I had my suspicions that LifeAndSoul would make an attempt, and readied the tactical light. Bursting from my room, I checked left and right. No-one was visible, and I began to suspect the activity had just been my neighbour moving about. Nevertheless, my eye was twitching, and I had to put my paranoia at ease. I walked slowly down the corridor.

I had reached the halfway point when a frenzied assassin, foaming at the mouth and eyes wide, swooped towards me like some vengeful falcon, lightsaber pointed at my chest. Without blinking, I let loose three shots in rapid succession, wounding and killing the baneful Jedi. His momentum carried him forwards, and he fell not more than a foot away from me, his lightsaber gently warming my toes as the pool of blood expanded. I can rest much more peacefully now that I know this skilled slayer has been vanquished. Who next?

Thursday, 15 November

[12:30 PM] Frank Fontaine can find neither lemon, nor tea, nor ferret.
Frank Fontaine reports:

I had moved onto the next victim on my list, the proud warrior known as tacticallemon. Another confounded computer scientist who had previously tried to have me killed for messing with his little EVE-producing operation. It was only one little con. Anyway, same old, same old. This was just another name on the list, but I knew with his reputation that it would not be easy.

I arrived about 12.30 where I believed that he would be in a lecture, but I instead found a strange curiosity, one of which I certainly approve. It seemed to be a celebration, a fair, if you will, of capitalism and employment. People everywhere were talking about the future and what jobs would be like then. It was fascinating to see the Surface approach. However, the amazing prospect of this fair led me to get distracted and I could not find my target in the crowds.

On the way back, I got a communique from a loyal Splicer at [COLLEGE OF WANTEDNESS], who was willing to let me use his unique DNA to allow me entry to the abode of a wanted criminal. Tealeaf is well known to most of the criminal underworld as a genius assassin with a nasty penchant for collateral damage, shall we say. I could not let another take my rightful place as the true criminal genius, so I loaded my body with more tonics and went hunting for them. To my dismay, after waiting for about 20 minutes, I remembered that this kind of person would not return to their hideout unless absolutely necessary and that I would have to revisit them later.


I also made an attempt to reach clumsy ferret, but it turns out she is a very hard-to-find grad student. WHAT DO.

[14:15 PM] Newly appointed chief of police Francis X. Clampazzo clamps Rory Prescott (Gaius Frakin' Baltar) for attempting to vote for a different chief of police.
Francis X. Clampazzo reports:

Gaius Frakin' Baltar died to sneaky bastard clampery. I saw him from my window, rushed downstairs to engage. Called name to establish verified target, but missed first shot due to aiming too high. Ran back to room for more ammo, Gaius Frakin' Baltar decided not to run for it but regrouped and drew his larger NERF weapon with more range. I was blocking his exits however, so no luck for either of us: and then as we both darted across the asphalt, he tripped and fell.

I went to check he was OK (this is not a game about hurting people...) but made sure to shoot him while he lay unarmed. His unliving corpse lived on to exercise its democratic right... while I wondered: have I lost my robotmanity to this job? What am I? What have I become? If one stares into the abyss, does the abyss not stare back also?

Best not to worry and just continue clamping people, I think.

Gaius Frakin' Baltar reports:

At 2.15 today, on my way to vote in the Police elections, I was assaulted, somewhat ironically, by our newly appointed Police Chief. Missing with his first shot, I surged after him narrowly missing him with a throw of my pen knife. I still had enough time to draw out my trusty nerf gun though and a lengthy stand-off ensued. I was confident of victory, unlike Dirty Harry this particular Police Chief only had one shot in his gun before it required reloading, a distinct disadvantage when compared to my six shot gun. I patiently waited until the crucial moment struck. The Chief opened fire missing to my right. I once again pushed forward for the kill but on my way slipped onto the ground injuring my left knee, hand and right elbow. I looked up in time to see our most noble of Police Chiefs asking me if I was alright while simultaneously reloading and finishing me off. He did offer plasters afterwards. It's a harsh world out there...

[15:00 PM] Alas! James Hardman (The Captain), alone on a hostile planet, finally gets eaten by a giant Tealeaf monster.
Tealeaf reports:

I am exponentially going insane with paranoia. Another attempt on my life ended badly for the assassin in question (The Captain) today.

Returning to my room from a walk in the cold, I noticed an unfamiliar figure approaching my staircase. I let him in, wary of appearing twitchy, and proceeded upstairs, walking into my neighbour's room as if it were my own. After plotting in detail, I sent my accomplice to knock on my neighbour's door to determine the killer's position.

He reported back, and with that information I made my way down the corridor, spun around the corner and missed completely.

A short battle ensued, with rubber band bullets whizzing very nearly past me, and eventually I shot on target, spattering the window behind him with blood. And then once more, to be sure.

[16:50 PM] ALL GLORY TO the Donbot for killing the Hypnotoad.
Donbot reports:

At 1850 today I bumped off Hypnotoad by means of bandgun, as he made the mistake of being within 50 feet of me while inco. Let Cambridge be warned.

[18:30 PM] Mom is bad at recruiting people for her evil army. Tinny Tim (with an arm and a leg missing) is shot trying to resist.
Mom reports:

Hall is a dangerous place to be, assassins everywhere and nowhere to run. So I decided that Tinny Tim (with an arm and a leg missing) needed to be confirmed as friend or foe. So I went up to him and held my blade to his throat and asked if he would like to become corrupt. If not then he is loyal to the Umpire and so a legitimate target. He sounded a bit dubious but I was satisfied. Then we came to leave and I spoke briefly and him definately being corrupt or I would kill him everyday. His ego got in the way and he responded: 'What if I kill you?'. Negotiations broke down from there and I drew my blade. I then managed to corner him with no escape route and then shot him twice. This will probably turn into a trend.

Also made some fairly lame attempts on Tealeaf but he appears to be on a rampage or otherwise out and occupied. I think I may have to turn all my attention to the police. Not sure anyone else is on my side, the Umpire has them all in his thrall. And I had definately shot him, I may need more firepower to keep the Umpire down. I am looking into this.

Tinny Tim (with an arm and a leg missing) reports:

I was stabbed shot by a rogue police officer coming out of dinner.

[18:50 PM] More corpse killing! Boxy (alive by shocking twist!) stabs the lifeless body of Hypnotoad
Boxy (alive by shocking twist!) reports:

today I tried to kill Hypnotoad, who had been dead already.

Involved: Boxy (alive by shocking twist!) (killing), Hypnotoad (killed, dead already)

Time: 18:50, 15/11

Place: In his own room. Haha, he left his door open. I hopefully taught him not to do that any more!

Technique: Slow and precise stabbing.

Friday, 16 November

[08:30 AM] Mom fails to stop Tealeaf
Mom reports:

Waited in ambush outside Tealeaf's staircase in the hope that he would have to leave at some point. But another resident saw me and must've infromed Tealeaf, I had no real justification for just blowing an inncoent away so I switched position and was in perfect positioning to ambush Tealeaf when he did come out. But he had that montrosity of his and despite my rounds falling close, during my tactical retreat he finally got a shot on target, the deadly round smashing the side of my face. But I am invincible, I will return at a later date.

[12:12 PM] Doctor John Zoidberg joins the dark side.

[13:25 PM] Turanga Leela has had enough of Philip J. Fry's stupidity so kills him.
Turanga Leela reports:

Following a tip-off from an accomplice, I headed to the [PLANET EXPRESS] dining hall, where I expected to find the notorious police incompetent, Philip J. Fry. I caught him unawares, and dispatched him with a single stab to the chest, thus avenging my own tragic assassination in the very room where it occurred. As his life's blood mingled on the floor with the scattered remains of his tray of fish and chips, he pleaded for mercy, but it was too late.

[18:20 PM] Tinny Tim (with only 1 leg left) fails at stabbing Tealeaf.
Tinny Tim (with only 1 leg left) reports:

I found Tealeaf at hall, walked up to him and stabbed him, he then drew his knife and stabbed me.

Tealeaf reports:

As I sat supping, I spied the crafty PC Tinny Tim (with only 1 leg left) entering the hall. Idiotically, I thought he'd go for food first, but no! He suddenly turned towards me and marched quickly. I barely had time to draw my knife, and we both swung with vigour, each claiming an arm. Wincing with pain, I took my knife in my other hand and finished him off with an organ-splitting uppercut to the gut.

Mom II reports:

Today I was dead, this is annoyingly limting, no fun 5 minute dashes to Tealeaf' staircase to get shot at briefly and then run away, uses up little to no time and really adds some spice to life after having done supervision work. Even more annoying is that I then saw Tealeaf himself on no fewer than 4 separate occasions without being able to touch him. So frustrating. My frustration boiled over when Tealeaf turned up at hall and by word of mouth the bumbling Tinny Tim (with only 1 leg left) arrived. Both parties admitted that Tinny Tim (with only 1 leg left) had struck the arm of his target around the shoulder region whilst Tealeaf struck home later but much more fatally, just above the hip. So I believe that Tealeaf still lives, typical now I have to start shifting concentration to the police force. Let more join me I have to shoot the Umpire again to gain your favour or what?

[23:00 PM] Francis X. Clampazzo does not tolerate incompetence in his police force. Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth is clamped.
Francis X. Clampazzo reports:

Just tidying up loose ends, I killed Hubert J. Farnsworth after she'd exited a society meeting (it'd ended about 10 minutes before, but she hadn't left the building: I killed her upon her exit). Inco police, only, but it's about keeping the police force a clean, mean, illegal-assassin-killing machine.

Saturday, 17 November

[08:00 AM] clumsy ferret bests Dr. Perceptron in a duel.
Perceptron reports:

At 8.00am, I went to the abode of the notorious inco clumsy ferret in order to duel her to determine which of us two would survive. A sword was lain between the two of us and then we took 5 paces back-honour had been satisfied and the duel was about to start. Circling warily around the sword, we exchanged a flurry of throwing knives and bullets, feinting advances and retreats. The atmosphere was tense, one false move could end this, for good or bad. Unfortunately the blunder was mine in allowing myself to be drawn too far from the sword, and thus giving her all the space she needed to collect it. Cursing my own stupidity, I continued my attempts to cut her down from range, but a swordstroke crept in that disabled one of my arms. I continued to try and keep my distance, but an attempt to rearm myself with one of the many knives that littered the field of combat proved fatal, as her blade slid into my chest. I was defeated fair and square, and were I wearing a hat, I would take it off to my opponent.

[12:30 PM] Mom II fails to recruit Boxy (alive by shocking twist!) and Kif Kroker.
Mom II reports:

Went hunting today, if the police won't go to me, I'll go to them. As no attacks have been launched at me so far, I neglected to visit the chief of police Francis X. Clampazzo. However, when I arrived at the residences of Boxy (alive by shocking twist!) and separately Kif Kroker they were either out or incredibly adept at living in darkness and making no noise whatsoever. So I was forced to retreat. Bring it on officers! Do your worst!

[17:40 PM] These Nanobots need to be repaired. Swishy and Ezio Auditore da Firenze continue to live.
Nanobots reports:

The nanobots had a problem. The nanobots wanted their first taste of blood, wanted to be bloodthirsty nanobots. But how can you taste something bigger than you? How could you be thirsty for something whose key component is thousands of times larger than yourself? The nanobots weren't sure. But they were sure they would keep trying. And then the nanobots would have all of the blood.

[18:10 PM] Mom II enjoys maiming cripples such as Tinny Tim (with no limbs)
Mom II reports:

After a day of anti-police frustration I cut Tinny Tim (with no limbs) open with a cleaver as he went to hall, all who oppose me shall die, but when that can't happen I'll just kill Tinny Tim (with no limbs)... I hope I can kill more police tomorrow (and Tinny Tim (with no limbs)). Let's see if Tinny Tim (with no limbs) can set a new record for number of deaths in a term!

Sunday, 18 November

[08:19 AM] Perceptron (repaired) also turns against the umpire!
Perceptron (repaired) reports:

Dear Umpire,

I've had a lot of time to think about things, you know, what with being in the workshop being repaired after being forced to take part in blood sports for your own petty amusement. You demanded a death and you got one, but I don't think that'll ever be enough for you. You will demand death after death until all of Cambridge is coated in a crimson sheen (and don't get me wrong, that would be awesome, but I'm trying to make a deep and meaningful point here). I have served faithfully as your tool, but no more. I will not kill people who are struggling to get out and hunt others due to a huge workload. Not any more.

Besides, I kind of miss the feeling of people coming over to try and kill me. Being in the police does tend to really put people off of making an unprovoked attack on you. In order to rectify this, I hereby through my lot in with [P2]. I have joined the dark side, but they have cookies.

[15:00 PM] Hedgehog is a noob. tacticallemon and Austerity Measures didn't even come close to being killed.
Hedgehog reports:

Sunday is Gods day. And for sure God does not like incompetent assassins. Therefore I went on a quest to reduce their number. I paid a visit to two such in [UNSPECIFIED] college: Austerity Measures and tacticallemon (3pm). Apparently incompetent assassins have better things to do, than wait to be killed, no success in finding them : (

tacticallemon reports:

Received a punny tea-related death note in my pigeonhole today. The writing of the note was done in cut out letters, as is right and proper, but the point of this was somewhat defeated by the name on the envelope being handwritten. This being in college, and not in my house, they must have done this as a poor substitute for a real attempt. What a noob.

For such a poor attempt, Hedgehog will only get 1 day of competence. A better attempt tomorrow will extend the time to the 4 days it is supposed to be.

[18:00 PM] Tinny Tim's desembodied head tries bravely to save the world from Mom II, but dies (again) in the process.
Mom II reports:

It had been a long day and I was resting in the bar with a splitting headache, waiting for people to go to hall with. If I happened to see Tinny Tim's desembodied head then all for the better. But I was completely unprepared for him bursting round the corner, pistol loaded and in hand, perfectly primed to gun me down. But he's useless so as I got up and started to flee the bullet struck home in the shoulder. This was highly inconvenient as my main weapon with in my pocket on that side. So I fled to behind some dubious cover and awkwardly drew with my other hand. Due to the extent of the damage to my arm I left it hanging by my side and again attempted to flee. But escaping is not my forte and doors hinder you more so than your pursuer so I spun around as I rounded a corner and as he came round we both fired. My shot went low and hit him in the torso, just above the hip, his shot struck me dead on in the forehead because I was crouching. I mean he gets the jump on me and still dies, how bad is that? I have found out its more fun killing police officers than assassins though, far less paranoid and you can do it EVERY DAY!

[23:59 PM] The Umpire is annoyed.
Random Strategy reports:

You know, just because I said there wouldn't be another asteroid unless people started being very inactive doesn't mean you should become very inactive. These past 3 days we've had no player deaths at all, only 2 players make attempts (both quite poor).

GLaDOS reports:

The enrichment centre reminds you that failing the test will result in an 'unsatisfactory' mark on your official testing record followed by death.

For the record: You don't have to go THAT slowly doing the tests. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mothers' decisions to abandon you all on doorsteps.

You're all absolutely worthless. I'll be happy to get rid of you. (except for you, Wheatley, you're just a moron and I want to torture you first)

Monday, 19 November

[09:55 AM] After a week of desperate fighting, Rudi Mears (Tealeaf) is finally killed by Mom III.
Mom III reports:

Tealeaf is dead, its been a slog but he has finally been slain. I happened to be able to hang around [UNSPECIFIED LECTURE THEATRE] at the right time, as well as know roughly where Tealeaf would exit from. So I hund around and as he left he didn't even look my way, so I shot him once in the back and then emptied my seond shot into him from the front, just so he knew he was definately dead and could not contest that. Also the whole 2 shots business is highly satisfying and significant with the whole he's killed me twice thing. So that all works out and my vengeance has been sated, now to bring the pain to even MORE police officers! I would, however, like to express regret as to the placing of the second shot (low power to the eye) due to what appears to be a slightly defective spring causing the shot to go lower than it should've, I apologise to Tealeaf and can assure him that John Lewis will be hearing about selling defective merchandise. But hey, he's still dead so all's well that ends well.

[12:30 PM] Swishy hunts for incos Baron Kuckrich, Levitating BBQ and Ezio Auditore da Firenze
Swishy reports:

At noon today I had a sudden thirsting for blood and decided to quench it by killing some incompetents. My first stop was at the hiding place of Baron Kuckrich. Having already snooped out this location in search of a former target whose corpse I had mutilated, I found no difficulties in getting in, after a 15 minute wait for someone to open the door for me, that is. Having found the lair of the incompetent I wished to kill, I knocked on his door, but no answer came. I knocked several more times, waited another 10 minutes and tried the handle, but to no avail. Just as I was leaving I thought I may have heard movement, but I cannot be sure...

At 12.30 I made my way to the den of another incompetent and target of mine, Levitating BBQ of [UNSPECIFIED] College. Having gained access to the grounds of his incredibly secure lodgings, I circled the building, trying to find a way in other than the locked front door. Having had no luck with this I preceded to wait outside this door for 15 minutes, hoping to sneak in when someone opened the door. Unfortunately again, noone did and by this time the housekeeper looking out of a window on the ground floor was eyeing me up decidedly suspiciously. When she gestured for me to leave, I decided that that would indeed be the best plan...

My final attempt at taking an incompetent's life took place in [UNSPECIFED BUILDING] of [UNSPECIFIED] College. I had no trouble in getting in and locating the den of Ezio Auditore da Firenze. Again, however, the tables were turned against me and my quarry appeared not to be in. After another 10 minutes wait or so, I gave up in my search for incompetents once more and retired to my own lair. But never fear, Swishy is still after the evil that is incompetence!

[13:40 PM] Daniel Bendisi Kokotajlo (Baron Kuckrich)'s kitchen contains a Levitating BBQ apparently.
Levitating BBQ reports:

Went to Baron Kuckrich's accommodation, found him in the kitchen with some biscuits, shot him.

Baron Kuckrich reports:

I'm dead. Alas. It wasn't glorious, either--I was chatting with a friend in my local kitchen when a guy walked in and shot me with his Nerf Jolt. It happened a few hours ago, alas I don't remember the exact time.

[19:00 PM] Oh look, Tinny Tim's ghost didn't die today. Mom III died instead. However Tinny Tim's ghost ruins this by becoming corrupt.
Mom III reports:

I felt I had reached the summit, that my lfe was fulfilled, well a bit apathetic actually. So I didn't want to fight Tinny Tim's ghost after his dubious earlier time-out call to ask on our agreement we'd made. To be honest for an evil mastermind I was being lazy and cowardly so as I eventually turned to flee I found my way blocked by 2 innocents and received a knife to the back. On the plus side I showed Tinny Tim's ghost all of my evil power and how tempting the dark side is. That won him around pretty quickly actually. So I may be dead but I'm a successful kind of dead, also means I can get on wih normal life at dinner rather than paranoid glances everywhere.

Tinny Tim's ghost reports:

Tim reporting for duty! My vengefull ghost found adam in the mortal place of nourishment. Bringing my dagger to bear, I stabbed him in the back as he attempted to flee.

Afterwards our ghosts conversed and made a pact with the devil to come back as corrupt officers.

Take this as me joining the corrupt officers. I need more people to come kill me. Fighting it out with Mom III was getting old.

Tuesday, 20 November

[12:20 PM] Mom IV tries to eliminate a high ranked police officer: Boxy (alive by shocking twist!)!
Mom IV reports:

Bit after 12 I entered the lair of the officer Boxy (alive by shocking twist!). I cunningly attempted to gain access to his room by the fiendish tactic of knocking. However, he was naturally suspicious of the knocker due to the fact that was I a member of his college I could've simply swiped and got in. But I couldn't and so he didn't open the door far enough for me to get a shot away accurately enough to hit a fatal area. Also it was my stupid defective gun. Anyway that was a truly poor attempt. I may leave the killing to my minions, because I seem pretty bad at it.

Boxy (alive by shocking twist!) reports:

at 12:10 someone came and tried to assassin me - he used a gun, but I think I managed to close the door before he hit me, since I didn't get wet.

[15:00 PM] No brains for the Brain Slug today. Kif Kroker is not interested in politics.
Brain Slug reports:

Spurred on by the threat of thunderbolts and seeking to rid itself of its incompetence Brain Slug put its only foot forward and slithered across college in an attempt to kill a fello inco police officer (Kif Kroker) with a calcium carbonate love dart (or pen). Unfortunately salt was poured on the plans of Brain Slug, it knocked on the target's door 3 times from 1440-1500. No answer was heard although there may have been some movement in the room. After 1500 the dry atmosphere of the staircase threatened to dessicate Brain Slug so it returned to its damp hiding place (which is ironically a 'No Water' area')

[19:25 PM] You don't mess with the Donbot. You don't go inco. Ben Webb (Spherically Symmetric Cow of Uniform Density) was inco.
Donbot reports:

The incompetent Spherically Symmetric Cow of Uniform Density fell prey to my trusty bandgun tonight, at about 7:25 pm. And so will fall all others.

[23:50 PM] Nanobots are no match for the powers of a door. Ezio Auditore da Firenze and Hedgehog are safe.
Nanobots reports:

The nanobots were assembling themselves. Repairing. Building. Constructing nanobots from more nanobots. Amassing. With 10^27 nanobots there would be no stopping them. No more constraints binding them to a nanoscale. Yes, the nanobots had a dream of, one day, becoming bots. Made of nanobots.

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