Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 4 News

Friday, 15 November

[13:00 PM] freddy c kills yesiskinnedmypethamster,Andrew Harland.
freddy c reports:

Students of Cambridge are greatly sheltered, and there is nothing interesting to say about their execution.

[13:00 PM] Blitz Crank up the tension, Daud(James Hall) falls.

[17:45 PM] Slartibartfast (Alexander James Fairclough - known as Alex) gets killed by an Sassassin. The universe is doomed.
Sassassin reports:

It was a cold Friday night when I decided to go hunting for another assassin on my hit list. I ventured out with 2 other assassins for back up as the area my target lived in was rife with incompetents so we could get a few extra kills in whilst we were there. Whilst I was walking to the rendezvous, I walked past someone going in the other direction. They must have been using an illusion spell as it was only once I was at my destination that the haze wore off and I realised I had passed my target! Alas, I decided I could kill some incos whilst waiting for my target to hopefully return.

I sneaked into one of the staircases with a fellow assassin and we split up as they had a target on that staircase. I went for the other incompetent assassin. I could clearly see the light filtering through under their door so I knew that my search would not be in vain. I tried their door but it was locked, so I knocked and slid to the side of the door. They foolishly answered the door unarmed and a quick shot to the chest took care of them. I timed my kill to be around 5:45pm.

Sadly, I did not see my real target come back so we left to attack incos at other colleges. No more kills were made after leaving, and I returned back to the original location to see if my target had returned.

He had not.

He may have foiled me once, but he will not escape again!

[18:00 PM] Selenia attacked
Selenia reports:

Being an incompetent for almost 24 hours I am very concerned for my safety. Concerned enough to start preparing for a raid in St. Cat's. I carefully write my messages beforehand just in case the targets aren't in their rooms:


where are you?


Having just finished the fourth one I hear my neighbour calling me, saying I have a visitor.

As I don't recognise this female figure, I take extra caution. She tells me that I have forgotten something and she has retrieved it. I see her friend glancing over the corner. The "visitor" takes something out of her bag and I move my head just in time to avoid a fatal hit from a rubber band gun. The only injury is a couple of hairs that failed to move. I shut and lock my door.

I try to contact my incompetent friend and it turns out he's dead. To be continued...

Signed Selenia

[18:00 PM] Vera Kelly kills Albi (Nastassia McAdam - known as Tassia).
Vera Kelly reports:

I loved Natassia McAdams more than I could possibly say. She was a real artistic girl, sensitive, a painter. But she was always trying to find herself. She'd go out every night looking for herself and on the way she found Ruth, Gladys, Rosmary and Irving. I guess you could say we broke up because of artist differences. She saw herself as alive... and I saw her dead.

[18:30 PM] Charles Pun Mineral slays The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog, commiserations to William Kaufhold - known as Will for the loss of his pet bunny.
Charles Pun Mineral reports:

Followed a helpful young man into the house of the victim. Door of victim's room was unlocked, so I made him about 5 times as "holy" (using a gun).

Saturday, 16 November

[10:14 AM] Atlas searches the world and comes up with no targets!
Atlas reports:

Atlas's hunt had proved unsuccessful as his targets were safe in the comfort of somewhere that Atlas wasn't.

Sunday, 17 November

[13:00 PM] Fear the bite of the Black Widow, even the Battery Charger won't shock it to death. RIP Isar Bhattacharjee.
Black Widow reports:

I have been successful in hunting down my target, Isar Bhattacharjee. On seeing him approach, I was able to take out my gun and shoot him straight between the eyes.

Target eliminated.

Yours truly,

Black Widow

[19:15 PM] The Verb is to kill, something Astarael knows all too well Rebecca Harwin.
Verb reports:

Crushed: adj 1. Squashed by extreme pressure, such as when a 5,973,600 trillion kg planet lands on you. 2. Feeling of deflation due to no longer being in the game.

[21:00 PM] The Mechanic fixes up the death of randolph carter (Orlando Beecroft)

Monday, 18 November

[14:30 PM] Vera Kelly eliminates Phrederik (Filip Gokstorp) presumably because he can't spell his own name
Vera Kelly reports:

Shot Filip Gokstorp to the background of Rammstein.

He had it coming, he had it coming, he had it coming all along. If you'd have been there, if you'd have heard it, now would you tell me that I was wrong?

[18:30 PM] Spiderman assaults Rover but is fended off with the help of Tess Tickle. To top it off Rover kills Elephant
Spiderman reports:

This evening I knocked on the door of one Rover. His friend saved his life (but not his arm) by opening the door and taking the first bullet for him. A rather casual corridor standoff ensued in which bullets and friendly chit-chat were exchanged to no avail.

Umpire's Note: This friend unknowingly opened the door expecting it to be a friend he has summoned, and therefore does not count as an accomplice as he acted of his own volition.

Rover reports:

Was in my room with another assassin and a non-player. Upon the knock at my door, the foolish non opened it before we could stop him, and was instantly killed. In the scramble for weapons I lost my right arm to a particularly good rubber band shot, and was forced to return fire with only my left. Neither I nor the other assassin managed to hit my assailant, who had cleverly concealed themselves behind a fire door.

Eventually we retreated, as I have no real ability to unjam a semiautomatic weapon with only my left hand in any reasonable time, and we were unable to finish the job from our positions. Despite threats that they 'have nowhere really to go', the assassin was nowhere to be seen when we emerged ten minutes later. During this time I had fashioned a particularly crude dagger, a remarkable feat given the tragic loss of my arm, for fear of attack in a projectileless zone. Searches of the local area revealed no hiding would-be murderers, so we headed for Hall in the hope that they would not follow. During Hall I spotted a local inco, who I decided to test my new dagger on. Yup, that works! One inco down. Clearly frightened by my ability to stab defenceless and unprepared people, my assassin was not seen again that night.

[22:30 PM] Weed Ramen takes advantage of Your faithful companion cube to kill Jack Brewster. Never trust anyone
Weed Ramen reports:

Had a gentlemen's agreement with a fellow assassin friend of mine that neither of us would attempt to go for each other's lives should one become incompetent. He became incompetent and didn't think it important to tell me.

So I shot him and he's dead now. I'm sure he learnt a valuable lesson in not trusting friends.

Tuesday, 19 November

[13:00 PM] Vera Kelly kills Krem-Fresh (Kiara de Kremer) all over some dairy products. Tragic.
Vera Kelly reports:

She was crazy, and she kept on screaming "You've been screwing the milkman." Then she ran into my knife. She ran into my knife ten times.

Wednesday, 20 November

[13:15 PM] His Lordship takes offence. Lord Earldom Vomit kills Marwood,Mairead Hamilton Budge - mostly called Budge
Lord Earldom Vomit reports:

They thought they could kill me. Fools. Did they not realise that with a horcrux already under my control I could not be so easily removed. After floating bodiless for a week I found a weak willed Trinmo whose mind looked easy to control. Handsome too. Shortly after taking over his body I spotted a cunning target who had hidden their identity very well. My sources revealed however that she had fabulous ginger hair, which was her undoing. The moment she headed for her staircase I sprang out and killed her, infusing part of my soul into my lecture diary in the process. Immortality awaits.

[14:00 PM] GLaDOS bags itself Jessica Payn - known as Jess's Ducktopus for scientific experiment. Surely that's inhumane?
GLaDOS reports:

Let's see... turning softbodies into hardened killing machines, page seventy... ah! How tall are you, test subject? Four-nine? I was unaware they stacked human waste that high. Wait, that doesn't make any sense. Human waste is stacked at a median hight of seven feet five inches, and I AM aware of it. Test subject, I've been told that your mother Mmm. Well that's just digusting. Do the training. While I look at this. Oh, you died. Well, it was scientific at least...

[18:36 PM] Not so funny for The Laughing Kid (Azhir Mahmood - known as Az) when he gets crushes as Atlas drops a world of hurt on him.
Atlas reports:

It was up to Atlas to teach Az the true consequences of being incompetent.

[19:15 PM] Magic and technology don't mix. Rufus Scrimgeour destroys his Macbookpro when it fails to match his magic. Sorry Macarena Machimbarrena - known as Maca
Rufus Scrimgeour reports:

Activity report

Date and time: 20/11/2013 at 19:15

Operatives:Rufus Scrimgeour

Mission: Raid the home of Macarena Machimbarrena in search of dark artifacts, and question Macarena Machimbarrena

Status:Success: Macbookpro found; Macarena Machimbarrena arrested.

Casualties:One Macbookpro was incinerated.

Detailed Report: I arrived when Macarena Machimbarrena was out, which made searching the place easier. My first search (time: 14:30) was unsuccessful. I left the official 'raid notification' message (as per Ministry Raid Regulation N° 24-e) and left. However, I had not completed the mission objective, so I returned at 18:00 : still nothing, though I had evidence that Macarena Machimbarrena had been there in my absence (ordinary non-magical objects had been moved). Finally, at 19:15, I returned to find Macarena Machimbarrena with a MacbookPro. As an dark artifact, I was authorised to arrest Macarena Machimbarrena on the spot, which I proceeded to do so. I then destroyed the dark artifact in question, as per Ministry of Magic Decree No. 21-38472


[23:45 PM] Ashrak not voted immortal, and in fact dead, by Lord Voted Immoral's hand. RIP Konstantinos Kyriakopoulos
Lord Voted Immoral reports:

While searching for more hallowed Cambridge artifacts, long after the sun had set and acromantula and flesh eating slugs slithered out of cindies, I encountered someone who had thwarted me on three separate occasions. I killed him swiftly then and there, pausing only to pour another part of my soul into a yellow plastic shotglass. There is only one who I truly fear now.

Ashrak reports:

A few minutes ago, just outside Cindies, I was rapidly and stealthily attacked by an unknown assailant who plunged his blade in my stomach. The wound was fatal.

Thursday, 21 November

[12:55 PM] Prof. Rubeus Hagrid unsuccessfully tries to stop the misdeed of Blazer but loses him in the forbidden forest!
Prof. Rubeus Hagrid reports:

Patrolling around the grounds of Sidwick I had an owl reach me informing me of the possible location of Blazer. I made my way to where I expected him to pass unaware straight after having taught a lesson in Care of Magical Creatures. Unfortunately my plan didn't work out for reasons I am still researching.

[13:00 PM] A deadly firefight. Blazer takes down command of The Croatian National Guard, Benjamin Dobson in a sotrm of fire. .
The Croatian National Guard reports:

I have just discovered myself to be uncharacteristically lax in my security today. A stranger entered my abode through my foolishly unlocked door and started shooting. After an initial misfire, he fumbled in his bag for a minute to find a second gun. I would have taken this opportunity to despatch him, but alas, he had, by accident, placed himself between me and my weapons. I was truly cornered. He shot me with a much more effective weapon, and, as would be expected in such cases, I died.

Tuus in morte,

The Croatian National Guard

Blazer reports:

In one of the most botched and failure but ultimately successful attempts at murder, today I killed the incompetent Ben Dobson. After locating his room I burst in (it was unlocked) found him in an enviably relaxed position and shot him with my Nerf Jolt. Or would have done, but it jammed. Not to be put off, I retrieved my Nerf Strongarm from my bag and pulled the trigger to end his life. Except it wasn't cocked. I quickly pulled back the cocking handle and shot again....only to discover that the cylinder in question was empty. Finally, I managed to shoot him after reloading it. Special mention must go to Ben for remaining perfectly still during all of this.

[13:00 PM] Kim Jong-Unbelievable kills Kaminin,Vijay Maharajan
Kim Jong-Unbelievable reports:

"Are you dead yet?" I asked. He didn't reply at first, instead he simply looked down at the knife now protruding from his chest.

"No," he eventually replied.

"Well, you are now," I returned, stabbing him in the forehead for good measure.

"Oh, right. I was going to kill someone from my college later and everything. Are you going to report this?"

"Errrr...yeah, okay."

[20:30 PM] Prefect Ron Weasley and Gunther Gundrop gang up to kill Dave
Prefect Ron Weasley reports:

I'd been planning to finish for a while the last inco from Downing who escaped my last visit with Gilderoy and intended to visit tonight after some research. Then I was invited to a quiz in Downing bar where we were joined by Officer Gundrop. Gundrop at one point allowed the RBG he was carrying to become visible, so I invited him to join my raid.

Gundrop charged the room with me providing covering fire. The target was not alert and collected several rubber-bands from Gundrop's assault. I followed up with biscuits and a brief pitch for the merits of joining the force (in particular, resurrection).

Prefect R. Weasley

Gunther Gundrop reports:

Acme Computer

64K Ram System


Detective at keyboard, please identify yourself

Gunther Gumdrop

What is your sex:


Enter your security code:

Headquarters, 11.00pm


National treasure has been stolen from the Assassins.

The treasure has been identified as "competence".

Male suspect reported at the scene of the crime.

Your assignment: Track the thief from Downing College and apprehend him!

You must apprehend the thief by Thursday, 11.00pm.

Good luck, Detective Gumdrop.


Given Name: Boyd


Pongsakorn Siripornpitak (aka Boyd) is a suspect!


Gunter Gumdrop would like to report that Pongsakorn Siripornpitak has been apprehended. I allied with another of these pesky wizards. Ron Weasley was his name, apparently. He was part of the group that I had worked with before, hunting the criminal Cinderella. I was sitting at my local, dimly lit bar, drinking my standard whiskey while doing the pub quiz, when this nefarious individual approached me with some information about a criminal. I told him to turn it into the police station where it would be properly processed. He refused, did some sort of magic trick, revealed a weapon and said "It has to be now". I obviously expected a trap, but agreed to follow him anyway. He led me into a stairwell and pointed to a door. "You should find out who's behind that", he said. I asked him to cut the crap and just tell me the god-damn name, but he refused and rested against the wall. I opened the door and behind it lay the criminal that I had been hunting for weeks, Pongsakorn Siripornpitak. He reached for a weapon, so I knew I had no chance but to open fire. The target was neutralised and I turned back to Ron, in order to find where he got his information from. Strangely, he had vanished, even though there was nowhere for him to go except past me. I will have to find out more about this "Mr Weasley"...

Gunter Gumdrop also hopes that this report timing is acceptable for the Umpire.

[20:30 PM] QB ends the reighn of the Duchess Alistair O'Neill
Duchess reports:

Incompetents can be vigilant. Attempting to rid my own college from one such, I headed to the target's staircase. Unfortunately, I was seen straight through. Quite literally now for there is a great bloody hole in my chest. The shank slipped in before I could even reach for my weapon.

Duchess x

QB reports:

Preparing for my evening meal, as, however mysterious one might be, every assassin must eat. Someone casually entered through the front door. Someone I didn't recognise. Very amiably, they asked for me by name. I hesitated for a second, then my brain evaluated the information. I know the face of everyone who lives here, and having referred to me by name means they do not know me, yet know my name. That being done, my mind was made up, and I lunged forwards, my knife appearing in my hands as I deftly drew it from my pocket. Before the assailant had a chance to react, my knife was through his heart. I left the body, noting the gun hidden underneath his coat, and slunk away back behind locked doors. CONTRACT TERMINATED.

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