On Sunday 11th May, the international
representative of La Nuevamente-Democrática Republica Zanahoriana Abrebotellas
Hereditario de Corquidicolandia will be visiting Cambridge. As with
previous events of this nature, it is vital for the sake of global liberty,
democracy, our collective carbon footprint, the speedy resolution of
the credit crunch, and other vague, politically-correct, poorly-defined,
rockstar-approved notions that he be eliminated.
Your mission is to assassinate him. Information
on his background, his itinerary and likely opposition you will face
is provided below for your convenience.
You may also be interested to read dossiers
detailing previous events of this nature.
Except where otherwise noted, all water
weapons, Nerf weapons, wooden rubber band guns, melee weapons, knives,
coshes and cuddly toys may be used. Cuddly toys are the only throwing
weapons allowed. Obviously, indirect weapons are not permitted. If you
want to use anything else, or if there is anything you think has been
forgotten, please email the Dignitary (wb236).
The Centre of Town (by which we mean
mostly the pedestrian zone) is likely to be busy and we will do our
best to stay away from here. We will also try to avoid moving through
college property as much as possible and suggest that you do likewise.
Please exercise caution around busy roads and avoid engaging in fights
across them. All play will be outdoors.
Assassins, Bodyguards and the Dignitary
will resurrect after five minutes or shortly after they reach any objective,
alive or dead, whichever is sooner. No respawning inside ongoing battles-
please make it clear whenever you have respawned if there could be any
Assassins are encouraged to ambush the
Dignitary between events rather than attacking in huge mobs at the events
Many of you may recall the visit to Cambridge
last year of Padre Ricardo Gibon Gibon de Provechagrande, spiritual
advisor to the ruler of the South American carrot democracy of Corquidicolandia.
The Padre succeeded in his primary mission of defecting to the Chinese,
but, in the confusion of multiple assassination attempts, was forced
to abandon both the majority of his escort party and crucial documents
exposing the corruption inherent within the regime of Pelugoconsandalias
In the ensuing scandal, the surviving members of Los Alamos, the Padre's bodyguard team, launched a coup and toppled Pelugoconsandalias's government, replacing the dictator with his cousin, Vagoysospechoso Noxiano-Bigotegraaande. The reaction from the international community was muted, as the world had long since got tired of the interminable power struggles within the ill-fated republic.
To raise his international profile and credibility, Vagoysospechoso dispatched his most trusted confidante, El Duque Altíssimo de la Vanguardia y el Pais, to garner support from western nations. His first stop was to be London, where he intended to meet with the well-known friend of radical South American leaders, Red Ken Livingstone. However, on his arrival at Heathrow Airport, El Duque discovered that not only had his baggage been lost, but Red Ken had been displaced as mayor of London by some idiot with a blond wig.
Startled by this news, El Duque had to find a friendly location where he and his escort team could hide out and await the return of their baggage. Cambridge seemed an obvious, if ill-fated choice, and they will be arriving in the city some time in the morning of Sunday May 11th. It appears that El Duque intends to use the period to contact some supporters of Vagoysospechoso before continuing on his campaign of publicity.
If news reaches the wider world that
a high-profile representative of such a dubious regime was given safe
haven in this country, it would be a foreign relations disaster for
the government of the UK. It is therefore recommended that El Duque
and his team "disappear" as quickly as possible before they
can garner any more support. Details of the general's known itinerary
and his likely bodyguard unit follow:
El Duque and his bodyguard will be arriving in Cambridge by an unknown route. Their first stop is believed to be the University Library at 14:00 where they intend to acquire some reading material to while away the weeks until they can continue their journey. However, years of unrest and civil strife have wrought havoc with the Corquidicolandian education system, and relatively few of the dignitary's staff are believed to be literate.
With this in mind (and considering also General Noxiano-Bigotegrande's pronouncement of 2002 that the "old fasheeoned, Corquidicolandian playthings are the best") the dignitary and his team will likely then proceed to Lammas Land, where they intend to kidnap a few of the native llamas and spirit them away to be used later as target practice and lunch. Engaging the team in Lammas Land itself may prove difficult, as there are many native llamas who could be injured in the crossfire. A useful choke point at which the team can be stopped, however, is at Coe Fen, near the bridge to Granta Place. The team are estimated to arrive there at 14:45.
General Vagoysospechoso has been eager over the years to cultivate a relationship with that most dubious and depraved of Cambridge Colleges, Peterhouse. It is believed El Duque has a contact in the college, and will be meeting him in the early afternoon somewhere near the college grounds, possibly to rearm his escort team. The rendezvous is taking place somewhere near the junction of Tennis Court Road and Fitzwilliam Street at 15:30.
It is believed that at some point following his arrival in London, El Duque has managed to contact the Corquidicolandian government. Corquidicolandian Minister of Defence, Offence and Fencing, Mateus Karate, has activated one of his sleeper cells in Cambridge to assist the team. This cell has planted a large cache of chemical weapons- most likely dihydrogen monoxide, at Reality Checkpoint on Parker's Piece. The dignitary and his team will be moving to recover the cache at 16:15.
Once they are in possession of the weapons, El Duque intends to visit his alma mater, Jesus College, to make use of his contact there. Most notably he hopes to induce the Master of Jesus to use his omnipotent powers to further the Corquidicolandian cause. Jesus College itself is something of an impenetrable fortress, so attacking the dignitary and his team once they are inside will prove impossible. They will be more easily ambushed en route on Kings Street at 17:00.
Finally, the dignitary and his bodyguards will attempt to make good their escape from Cambridge. A specially commissioned diplomatic cart will be waiting for El Duque and his team on Pretoria Road, and will transport them to a safe house somewhere deep in the fens. The cart itself will be heavily guarded, so El Duque must be eliminated before he can reach it. Your last opportunity to kill him will be as he crosses the bridge from Midsummer Common at 17:45.
All the above locations are marked on the map at the bottom of the page.
El Duque was one of the survivors of Padre Provechagrande's mission to Cambridge last year. The team were severely chastised on their return to Corquidicolandia, and El Duque, as a high-profile member of the team, was imprisoned and scheduled for re-education by General Pelugoconsandalias, a move which met with approval from many of the more hardline and revolutionary elements of Corquidicolandian society. All his property was confiscated by the state and redistributed among the Generale's most loyal followers.
Pelugoconsandalias severely misjudged,
however, as the remaining members of Los Alamos quickly broke El Duque
out of his minimum security prison. With support from the exiled ruler
Vagoysospechoso, they spearheaded a coup which drove Pelugoconsandalias
into exile. Vagoysospechoso was impressed both with El Duque's affected
mannerisms and his dress sense, and not only restored to him all his
property and properties, both real and imaginary, but promoted him to
the position of Ambassador to the Rest of the World, hoping his illustrious
and brilliantly forged family tree would give him the gravitas needed
to negotiate successfully with the superpowers of today.
El Duque will be accompanied on his mission by members of Corquidicolandia's legendary bodyguard unit, Los Alamos, or the Llama Hunters. Three of the team survive from previous years:
Pajaro Comomono was too popular a figure with the public for Pelugoconsandalias to take serious and public action against him following the Provechagrande debacle. However, Comomono realised that it would only be a matter of time before the Generale was confident enough to take him on openly, and so threw his considerable weight behind El Duque's coup. He has been greatly rewarded by the new regime, having been appointed Minister for the Presidential Wardrobe. He has also recovered enough personal power to retake his position at the head of the Guild of Hatters and Gentleman's Outfitters, a move which left him one of the most powerful members in the new Corquidicolandian government. Comomono swiftly used the coup as a pretext to launch a campaign of terror and sartorial elegance in the Corquidicolandian countryside. Peasants tell stories of drive-by suitings by government officials wearing the Guild insignia to this day.
He was appointed as Special Fashion Advisor
to El Duque for the duration of the mission. He intends to delegate
most of the work.
No true identity has yet been uncovered for the much-feared 'Huron Hurgon', a former deputy director of the Corquidicolandian secret police, promoted to Grand Junior Under-Inquisitor after the last coup. His assistance proved instrumental in breaking El Duque from prison, probably because he retains copies of keys to all the cells.
Hurgon has refined his torture techniques
since his previous visit to Cambridge: while his famed method of ferret
insertion remains a favourite, he has also invented an entirely new
torture, known only as Death By Scrabble. Rumoured to be functionally
immortal, and always heavily armed, he is a psychotic killer who even
the most determined of assassins should treat with the greatest amount
of respect and caution.
Il Dottore disappeared following the return of Provechagrande's team to Corquidicolandia, and for many months he was thought dead. No reliable photo of him exists; that provided is a photo-fit based on the most recent confirmed sighting, in 1982.
We only know him from the swarm of scantily-clad
women who follow him around. He is the man with no name, no face, no
fingerprints, no past, no known associates, knows no fear, leaves no
trace, has no address, no public image, no.....job other than being
the Chief Eunuch of the Presidential Harem, a title he has regained
Three new members have also joined the
team in the last year. Details follow:
Amelia is the youngest scion of the notorious
Wilkes-Booth clan, who have been involved in some capacity in most of
the upheavals in the Republic. The actions of Amelia's elder brothers
Thomas and JJ in recent years have given the family an unparalleled
reputation for treachery, double-dealing and overeating, but Amelia
seems to have the trust of Vagoyespechoso. In fact, rumours abound that
she is his god-daughter, and has been appointed to Los Alamos to keep
an eye on the other, less reliable, members. Given that most of the
revolutions in Corquidicolandia have originated within the ranks of
the elite bodyguard unit, this may represent an uncharacteristically
shrewd move on the part of the General.
Felipe de la Burrito
Burrito rose to prominence as a member of the Revolutionary Guard at an unusually young age. Many say he bears a striking resemblance to the famous Corquidicolandian stand-up comedian Tomas Utene, although Burrito strenuously denies this and has been known to react in a shockingly violent and bloodthirsty manner when this is pointed out.
His ruthless and unapologetic manner
caught the eye of General Vagoysospechoso, who appointed him a member
of Los Alamos for El Duque's visit.
Siemone Minione de Laboinaynada
Simeone first came to the attention of Corquidicolandian government officials late in the reign of Pelugoconsandalias when he was discovered roaming the streets of the town of Nodyncam wearing nothing but a particularly flamboyant hat. Arrested and subsequently freed during Vagoyospechoso's coup, he quickly became the right-hand man of Pajaro Comomono when he regained control of the Guild of Hatters and Gentleman's Outfitters and was responsible for some of the most infamous actions of the Guild in the isolated peasant communities of the Corquidicolandian rainforest.
He is believed to be accompanying El
Duque to the UK to help further his training. There are persistent rumours
that he is planning a ram-raid of Ede and Ravenscroft at some point
during his visit, although these have yet to be substantiated by concrete