Good afternoon. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, will be to assassinate
the foreign dignitary General Noxiano-Bigotegrande; this will be easiest on his visit
to Cambridge on Saturday 4th May. We have
some background information for your perusal, and also
limited details about his plans for the day.
Many groups have reasons for wanting him dead. Combining these and the strong security presence, your mission will not be easy. Intelligence has prepared a briefing on the opposition you will face.
Due to the sensitive nature of this assignment, certain Rules of Engagement must be obeyed. We can now publish more Information on how your performance will be evaluated.
There will probably be a public battle after the General's visit is concluded, in the area around Queens' Backs... Talk to the bodyguards after one of the General's engagements for more information - claim a truce, they will probably shoot you if you get too close anyway, but this won't count against you if you only wish to chat. Alternatively, meet at the General's last event, or ring the bodyguards for further information related to the day's organisation.
El General Vagoysospechoso Noxiano-Bigotegrande has for several years been one of the most influential politicians and military leaders of his country (in the history of La Republica Abrebotellas Hereditario de Corquidicolandia these two things seem to have been the same). All those ever expecting to address him in person are advised that the a in grande takes 5 seconds to be pronounced, on penalty of death by aerial drop into the dense saguaro plantations used to conceal ministerio de narcotrafico y brutalidad police facilities.
El General Vagoysospechoso Noxiano-Bigotegrande recently regained power in La Republica Abrebotellas Hereditario de Corquidicolandia, after all members of the previous government had had unfortunate accidents on the same day. He was elected president by a somewhat reduced parliament (a few MPs were involved in further unfortunate accidents). The previous president of La Republica Abrebotellas Hereditario de Corquidicolandia El Generalissimo Eduardo Tequilamagnifico Anderconnez y Oldcayusmafioso has also disappeared, but rumours that Noxiano-Bigotegraaande has declared:"He eeeeees dead. I keeeeeell heeeem," were categorically denied by the general's spokesman Mateo Carrettez. This democratic return to power followed the end of El General Vagoysospechoso Noxiano-Bigotegrande's previous reign of terror just two years ago.
According to Mateo Carrettez, political subversive agitation provoked by anarchists opposed to the new institutional order has lead to growing concerns about the general's visit to Cambridge University on the 4th May. Intelligence analysts believe that the security measures taken might prove insufficient, especially considering his current disagreements over payment details with EO (Executive Outcomes) and MPRI (Military Professional Resources Inc.), who had in the past ensured Noxiano-Bigotegraaande's safety. The general might well have to rely on the security arrangements made by his local business partners. However in a recent interview he declared that he was not concerned and was not helpless himself:"A Christian has to walk around with his Bible and his machine gun."
This is one of only three known photos of the General. He is standing in the middle background with a gun in his hands. The international peace conference he is seen attending ended shortly after this photo was taken when he shot most of the other participants.
Animal activists have also been worried about his recent activities: since returning to power, he has been heavily involved in the 'sport' of llama hunting, which he prefers to do with a sniper rifle from several hundred metres away. Rumours that he aims for the ears to cause extra suffering are as yet unsubstantiated.
Briefly, this man must be stopped before he can do more damage, both to the llama community and to world peace. Make this your first priority.
He was born in the city of Nodyncam, where another contender for the power in La Republica Abrebotellas Hereditario de Corquidicolandia Eduardo Noxiano comes from.
The route the general will take about Cambridge is unknown, but we are certain that he will be visiting certain locations at specific times. You may like to try to kill him at these locations, but the bodyguards will be particularly vigilant there. They may also give you some hints to the routes that may be chosen; a clever ambush might prove very effective.
We are unsure where the General will be spending his morning, but he is expected to be giving a speech about world domination to the assembled crowd of compscis from the steps of the University Library at 1345. This will last about 5 minutes.
One of the General's spies was spotted performing reconnaissance outside Trinity last night. We believe the General is unhappy that Trinity has more money than his whole country; he may be seeking to rectify this.
The general has heard of the ineptitude of the English football team and wishes to prove his superiority by scoring five penalties in a row. He will use his country's traditional tactics, which means the goalkeeper will probably be gunned down first, and the penalty spot may be repainted somewhat closer to the goal.
The general will be receiving his PhD outside the Senate House at a quarter past three. Security will of course be tight, but it's a high-profile location, ideal for an assassination. The University feels the degree of Paranoia-hardened Deathmaster ideally suits his near-unique abilities.
We have received new information concerning the general's plans for this time: He will be taking a five-gun salute from massed troops at this famous monument, situated in the centre of Parker's Piece, in fond memory of those members of government so sadly lost back in La Republica Abrebotellas Hereditario de Corquidicolandia recently. Viva el presidente!
Intelligence reports suggest that this shady Green Street location will be the scene of an arms deal. The General hopes to revitalise his flagging military with interesting weapons, possibly including the fearsome BFRBG. Here you can see his agent entering the shop and a buttonhole camera view of some of the weapons available.
We think the general will be utilising public transport in an attempt to leave the city anonymously. Intelligence reports a suspicious-looking booking under the name of 'Mathieu Garotte' aboard the National Express coach NX305 leaving the bus station for Stansted Airport at 1650. This will be your last chance to kill him before he leaves the country.
Below is a satellite photograph taken today (Friday) at 1503 local time using a KVR-1000 high-resolution camera aboard one of our Cosmos satellites. The key locations and times for most of the General's visit are marked.
I leave the mechanics of his death(s) up to you but feel I must stress again the importance of this mission: the General must die!
We believe the general will bring along 6 top operatives from his elite bodyguard unit, 'Los Alamos' (the Llama Hunters). Very little is known about this unit; all we have are a few possible real names for these six, listed below with the code names we have assigned them. Further intelligence warns that these soldiers may glow slightly in the dark, but this is unconfirmed.
The Marquis de Marina, Eduardo Nokès.
He is more moustache now than man. Twisted and evil.
Señora Prado, Tomata Garnetti.
An Italian cross-dresser, master of infiltration, and 1337 H4x0r.
Profesoria Rubio, "Professor Blond", Björn Again.
El nombre es Rubio, Jaime Rubio.
Señorita Amapola, known only as Rosa-Maria.
Fluffy but deadly, like a pufferfish.
Doctor Mandarino, Raul Llama de la Maravilla.
Defence is the best form of attack, ideally involving water closets.
Señor Pizarro, Juan Pablo Hoggoya.
Feline or porcine, who can say?
The rules will be similar to those of our usual games except that no indirect weapons or shields will be allowed. There will also be automatic resurrection, which will occur a few minutes after death. All action will centre around the General, the places he will visit and their approach routes. Water weapons will be allowed in most parts of the game.
The General and his bodyguards will resurrect between each event, or after a few minutes of inactivity. Potential assassins may make only one attempt per site, and may not follow the general too closely between sites.
Assassins will receive one point for killing another assassin, two for killing a bodyguard, or ten points for the general himself. The will be a bonus for managing to leave the scene alive after sucessfully assassinating the general. The Bodyguard wearing a sombrero is worth one fewer point than normal.
Bodyguards will receive two points for killing an assassin, five for safely escorting the General to the beginning of an event, and another five if the general survives the event (for example, if the General starts and completes a speech, ten points are awarded). Twenty points will be awarded if the General makes it through the entire visit without being killed. The bodyguard wearing a sombrero is given one extra point for killing an assassin.
The two scoring system are not intended to be directly comparable. Assassins working in teams will be awarded equal proportions of their team's total score. The General will not be awarded points for anything, but is able and ready to defend himself at need.
Extra points may be awarded for stylish or technically impressive assassinations. Complexities of scoring, teams, etc. will be sorted out after the event.