Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 1 News


Sunday, 6 February


[00:00 AM] The Lost asks too many questions

[00:00 AM] Drex and Ripley the Alien Slayer forget am important part of their signups

[00:45 AM] The umpires were cowards and couldn't cope with my REAL pseudonym enquires about dolphins
The umpires were cowards and couldn't cope with my REAL pseudonym reports:

Which is the best dolphin?


[01:00 AM] 200 character limit and Darth Rayder attempt to take out The umpires were cowards and couldn't cope with my REAL pseudonym early - presumably they're not fans of dolphins.
200 character limit reports:

Not so long ago in a galaxy far far away, We voyaged to [Redacted Cluster], thinking this was the location of our alien enemy. It was not. We then voyaged to another galaxy, so named [Redactrus Zeta] to get my accomplice's alien enemy. We could not. Finally, we returned to the first far far away galaxy to find [Redacted Cluster], the planet my alien enemy resides in. With lightsabers drawn we charged frantically toward his abode, with murderous intent. We charged out. Outmatched by a Very Big Gun(tm) we decided upon a tactical retreat - our lives remained existent, but our dignity and sleep did not.

The umpires were cowards and couldn't cope with my REAL pseudonym reports:

At 1:30 am a mysterious being alerted me to its presence outside my door. I asked it if it was here a mere 45 minutes after the target lists went out by some kind of miraculous coincidence. It confirmed my suspicions. I opened the door a crack, enough to poke the muzzle of my gun through, and fired. The gun jammed immediately, and the presence waved a lightsabre through the gap in a vaguely threatening manner. I was unable to dodge it entirely and suffered great injury to my upper arm, though I did survive. They fled the scene immediately after.


[01:54 AM] First blood as vera historia takes out Reuben Mason(Wyndham)!

[11:38 AM] Django Melly(Banjo Jelly) goes mad as Beta is eclipsed and night falls over Lagash.
The Woman in the Red Dress reports:

With the slow fascination of fear, he lifted himself on one arm and turned his eyes toward the blood-curdling blackness of the window. Through it shone the Stars! Not Earth's feeble thirty-six hundred Stars visible to the eye; Lagash was in the center of a giant cluster. Thirty thousand mighty suns shone down in a soul-searing splendor that was more frighteningly cold in its awful indifference than the bitter wind that shivered across the cold, horribly bleak world. Banjo Jelly staggered to his feet, his throat, constricting him to breathlessness, all the muscles of his body writhing in an intensity of terror and sheer fear beyond bearing. He was going mad and knew it, and somewhere deep inside a bit of sanity was screaming, struggling to fight off the hopeless flood of black terror. It was very horrible to go mad and know that you were going mad -- to know that in a little minute you would be here physically and yet all the real essence would be dead and drowned in the black madness. For this was the Dark -- the Dark and the Cold and the Doom. The bright walls of the universe were shattered and their awful black fragments were falling down to crush and squeeze and obliterate him.


[12:30 PM] Badman Masoon VIII's rlly big weapon has great effect on Heather E Taylor(Nerio)
Badman Masoon VIII reports:

I made my way up to their staircase, knocked on their door, and hit them on the torso with a mini rugby ball labelled "rlly big weapon".


[13:16 PM] A fast start for W, taking out both Farah Kassab(The Bride) and Nathan Kay(Maquinaciones)!

[13:40 PM] Echo completes their assignments: Chesa Matei(The quasi-quasar from the galaxy over yonder), Ella Veakins(Agatha pie), and Ilia Nayakshin(The Man with no Cents no Penny no Thoughts), all in the space of a few hours.
Echo reports:

The Man with no Cents no Penny no Thoughts has been shot dead with an smg at their home address at 13:40 after being let in by a housemate. Agatha pie has been executed with two shots to the back in their halls of residence at 14:02 The quasi-quasar from the galaxy over yonder was shot in their doorway at 15:20


[13:43 PM] I'm an elf displays their distaste in grammar, murdering Rose Conway(semicolon)

[13:50 PM] The Lost tries to work out where Drex and Ripley the Alien Slayer are meant to be
The Lost reports:

Dear Diary, I still keep hearing the voices in my head. "Isaac", they say, "we're coming for you." And they're right. They are coming for me. Everyone's coming for me - mom, dad, my friends, the neighbor's cat down the road... I'm not sure how much longer I'll live but I hope I can at least see Guppy one last time before I go. XOXO Isaac


[17:51 PM] Zaphod Beeblebroken derezzes a User, mistaking them for the MCP, before successfully derezzing Sophie Perryman(Space Hopper) with the help of Princess SLeia
Zaphod Beeblebroken reports:

On a stake out to assess the situation with Princess SLeia I unwittingly killed an innocent, mistaking them for my target whilst they was eating a bowl of cereal. If you think about it really hard, I actually saved the cereal from a gruesome death, so at least they died for the greater good. (The greater good). I corrected this mistake 20 mins later when my target returned to their room. After watching them enter I knocked and when they answered I stabbed them in the abdomen. Myself and Princess SLeia then fled the scene of the crime(s) as fast as we could. Whoops.


[20:25 PM] Chucke retires the Nexus-7 Rebekah Treganna(ripley)

[22:40 PM] Mr McFly impales Sally Edser(Sir Shrubbery the Sleepless) with a snooker stick

[22:46 PM] Queso Soze, with the help of Chucke, eliminate the Rebel Drexel Loh(Drex) before they escape with the plans for the Empire's secret weapon

Monday, 7 February


[00:00 AM] The Warden kills Caio Bezerra(Grolnok Hucksmith of the jatraxian empire) kills Thomas O'Hare(K)
Grolnok Hucksmith of the jatraxian empire reports:

After miraculously bullet time dodging a ravenous monkey, he stole the weapon designed for his murder, did a back flip, then shot.

The Woman in the Red Dress reports:

Grolnok Hucksmith of the jatraxian empire successfully hunted down K, but while leaving, having put their weapon away, Grolnok Hucksmith of the jatraxian empire was killed by The Warden, sending The Warden wanted and the other two dead.

The Warden reports:

The Warden detects the loss of a soul within his realm. Crawling out of his cage he flings his scythe encapsulating the soul of the scoundrel. He wrings the soul out of the body as he flays flesh from the broken body. The soul screams as it's is dragged towards his mouth. Dirty grease covered lips separate and the soul falls within his touthless darkness, a red serpent slithers out of the shadows and snakes around the last remnant of the man. "Delicious" he chuckles. One lost to the man above. The Warden smiles


[09:45 AM] The Pied Piper can't find the Fremen I Am Lonely in the harsh deserts of Arrakis
The Pied Piper reports:

The Piper trod the lanes with care And sought someone who wasn't there Two shops, three courts, the streets, their home-- They'd left them all, elsewhere to roam


[14:00 PM] Princess SLeia tries to track down Donkey Kong, an elusive member of the First Hundred
Princess SLeia reports:

Princess SLeia embarked on an exploratory mission to explore locations connected to Donkey Kong


[19:16 PM] Darth Rayder finds and eliminates the bugger queen Amelia Coxon(The statement "[The Millennium Falcon] made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs" makes no sense as a parsec is a unit of distance not time.)
Darth Rayder reports:

"Why", I ask myself, "am I about to kill a police alien?" I ponder... I stop pondering... I raise my galactic gun... and shoot. For chaos I live.


[23:20 PM] Dr. Doctor secretly kills Khai Tran(Jam)

Tuesday, 8 February


[12:00 PM] Mostly Harmless, KID, and Dr. Exterminate hitchhike around Cambridge, but are unable to locate Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, The Adjugate, or Aldric
Mostly Harmless reports:

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the [REDACTED DIRECTION] spiral arm of Cambridge, three unregarded bounty hunters (all with towels!) decided to pay a visit to some of their targets, while debating about the best ways to grow a toothbrush tree. They first went to [REDACTED COLLEGE]'s faraway colony planet for Aldric, but a nosy spaceship pilot outside of Aldric's hideout became suspicious of their sneaky behaviours. They had no way but to abort and hitchhiked to Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ's system at the centre of our Galaxy. Alas, they were confused by the mysterious inscriptions on the comm system ("We didn't have that on Damogran!") and could not crack the clearance code. Their only hope lies with The Adjugate, who was sneaky enough to hide in the stronghold of [REDACTED COLLEGE]. Luckily, the three were able to pass through all the sophisticated defense system and landed right in front of The Adjugate's lair. They knocked thrice to show their respect (with the scariest weapons drawn), but were answered with sheer silence. Bad luck! Time to grab some Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.


[15:05 PM] Switch tries to duel Ubik in the Thunderdome

[16:30 PM] The Lost is locked out by The Warden
The Lost reports:

Dear Diary, Today I saw some scary drawings on the wall. They're all me dying in various ways. They show me getting shot, stabbed, blown up, falling onto spikes, and drowning. I couldn't bear the thought of how I would die, so I lied down and started crying for the rest of the day. Yours truly, XOXO Isaac


[17:15 PM] Marvin the Paranoid Android Two and Turquoise fox make some hitchhiking notes, missing BoJack but finding Rohan Gupta(Boba Fett) along the way
Marvin the Paranoid Android Two reports:

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say on the subject of [REDACTED] College, Cambridge. "[REDACTED] College", it proclaims, "is one of the more delightful spots in all of Cambridge. With its [REDACTED ATTRACTION], and its lovely people, one can often find what one is looking for within its bounds. Readers of a more assassiny nature, however, should be aware that not all targets may be found there. In particular, BoJack, a distinctly murderable target, was not in fact found by the duo of Turquoise fox and Marvin the Paranoid Android Two. Whilst this author does not believe it was worth the increased pain in all the diodes down his left side to find them, his companion, Turquoise fox, reported a brief, but heartwarming, interaction with one of the Guide's most recommended targets, Boba Fett. For those interested in visiting [REDACTED] College, a brief excursion to stab this man is very much recommended, and will not disappoint." The Guide does not mention the vast supply of weaponry brough by the author in question, and nor does it go into detail on his disappointment, as notes from Marvin on disappointment had been flagged by the editors at InfiniDim Enterprises as 'not constructive or helpful'. Marvin the Paranoid Android was purportedly 'disappointed' by the decision, although this is not confirmed in the guide.


[18:00 PM] Your mum. makes deadly robot noises at Yifei Zheng(Badman Masoon VIII)
Your mum. reports:

*Bleep bloop blip blop* Badman Masoon VIII died with a big flop. *Clunk clink clank clee* Mr Lee, please notice me


[18:24 PM] Darth Rayder kills Amelia Coxon(The statement "[The Millennium Falcon] made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs" makes no sense as a parsec is a unit of distance not time.) again, they were just trying to phone home...
Darth Rayder reports:

The police alien has respawned! Yet my will is strong. With my Dark Side Dagger I stab the alien in the back, and once again for good measure. For Chaos I Live.


[19:50 PM] Switch kills Jake Thakur(Ubik) for betraying Zion
Switch reports:

"Third times the charm I muttered", whilst jacking in for the third time this day. Not everyone in Zion is appreciative of their freedom, and this was especially apparent when a group of rebels managed to successfully steal an entire hovership. Since then they had been operating from within the matrix, dealing immeasurable damage to the teams attempting to liberate more souls from the machines. But this time we were ready for them. The last team managed to relay information about the operatives current whereabouts to us before death, and it was now my task to finish the job. Jacking in is always disorientating especially when your body in the matrix is completely different to reality. I took a brief moment to admire the grace of my more feminine form before raising a katana. Payback time. They weren't expecting me and I was able to finish the job with ease, a few quick slices and one of the many thorns in Zions side was no more. I took a slightly longer route than was strictly necessary to my extraction point.


[20:45 PM] The Fairy Queen attempts on Adenosine Triphosphate Synthase with the help of Bean, but The Fairy Queen hurt itself in its confusion
Adenosine Triphosphate Synthase reports:

Adenosine Triphosphate Synthase had been on edge all day. For no reason why, they suspected that today was the day in which an attempt on their life would be made. Unable even to enjoy the fancy soup he had purchased the other day (from the Mainsbury's on S1dney XGJ35), the researcher-turned-assassin was determined not to repeat his last incarnation's mistakes. And, while sitting at his desk on the USS [REDACTED] College, writing up a report of a visit to the Galaxy's Museum of Zoology, he heard the fateful knock on his door. Some individuals, claiming to be the ship's Porters, were attempting to draw Adenosine Triphosphate Synthase out of their room. They instantly contacted their civilian neighbours using the ship's Derived Autonomous Radio Warning Innovative Nanobots (D.A.R.W.I.N), who confirmed that the intruders were malicious in nature. Adenosine Triphosphate Synthase attempted to return to their work, this time with a heightened sense of paranoia. He stared at his loyal miniature Attack Dragon, Powerhouse, considering a counterattack, before deciding that cowardice was the safest option. He remembered how his last incarnation had got themself killed on this very ship, very early on, and decided that he would live to fight another day. However, upon hearing another knock, and a proud assertion that their attacker would "get them next time", Adenosine Triphosphate Synthase decided to attack, tucking Powerhouse and their trusty vintage holo-sword under their lab coat. Adenosine Triphosphate Synthase threw open the door and furiously chased the assailants, who, to his surprise, were bearing quantum laser rifles. "Bloody physicists" Adenosine Triphosphate Synthase uttered, as the cowardice took over and he returned to the safety his room.

The Woman in the Red Dress reports:

The Fairy Queen impersonated a porter (apparently very badly) to try and get Adenosine Triphosphate Synthase out of their room, sending The Fairy Queen wanted.


[22:20 PM] The Pied Piper is asked a question about the kitchen by Sen and don
The Pied Piper reports:

Once upon an evening dreary, while I pondered, somewhat weary, Over many a quaint and entertaining mobile game of lore-- While I nodded, not yet napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. "Damn assassins," here I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door-- I won't answer them!" I swore. But the knocking, never ceasing, to my fear began increasing And I realised the intruders were not just here to explore. So that now, to still the beating of their fists I stood entreating, "Come back with a warrant!" Meeting, then, a voice behind the door-- "I just need some Covid tests!" it pleaded from behind the door-- "LFTs, and nothing more!" Presently my soul grew stronger, hesitating then no longer, "Sir," said I, "It's tragic; truly, your forgiveness I implore; But, fact is, I don't have any--if you are in search of many It would not cost you a penny to try any other door!" Here I listened but no words I heard outside my chamber door: Giggles there, and nothing more. Then methought that he grew bolder, spurred along by my cold shoulder, "Please," he cried, "I need help moving things--that's all that I ask for!" "But," I answered, "If you're feeling ill you need to spend time healing-- You should not be here appealing for my help with any chore!" Here another pause as he reflected on his deadly chore: Opening my chamber door. "Listen," said the voice behind it, "I hoped that you wouldn't mind it If I asked you for your help--I am your neighbour from next door!" "What's your name, then?" I inquired. "Neville!" came the voice. Inspired-- While this boldness is admired, the sad fact about next door is no Nevilles live there--never have, behind that chamber door. Or, at least, not anymore. A long silence, and I wondered if they'd left, my room unplundered-- But a fourth knock sounded out to break the quiet night once more! Here a different voice! Demanding that I step upon the landing To increase her understanding on a matter from before. She had knowledge of a group chat I'd sent missives to before! An accomplice from my floor. The assassins, never flitting, still are sitting, still are sitting With their dreadful weapons sharpened and prepared for lethal war. And their laughter has the seeming of some demons that are screaming And methinks that they are dreaming of my death behind this door. But the truth is, I am patient, and therefore this chamber door Shall be opened--nevermore!


[22:30 PM] The umpires were cowards and couldn't cope with my REAL pseudonym receives a parting gift from their assailants, 200 character limit and David McCoy, who later stake out Mint Plutonium
The umpires were cowards and couldn't cope with my REAL pseudonym reports:

A sudden sharp knock on my door alerted me. Who was it? I asked them, but there was no response. Maybe they don't know either? I waited, but still nothing. I figured that they would either have to talk to me, or leave, and went back to what I was doing. They knocked again, and I asked again. Still nothing. I armed myself heavily, and opened the door the smallest amount, but there was nothing, and no-one. I could see a light still on, having noticed movement. Maybe they have just left, or maybe they are still hiding. I dare not find out. So, I return to shelter, to my bunker, hiding from the world. I question now whether the threat was real, are these just assassins of the mind? But no, I find now a single casing on the floor. They were real. They were here. They must have tried to kill me. I wonder when? I wonder why? Am I really worth killing? What do they want from me? Will they come back? Do I have to kill them? Why do I have to kill them? Why do I WANT to kill them? Is this what drives them too? Why won't they come back?


[23:10 PM] The statement "[The Millennium Falcon] made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs" makes no sense as a parsec is a unit of distance not time. finally phones home, despite Rachel Whiteley(Darth Rayder)
The statement "[The Millennium Falcon] made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs" makes no sense as a parsec is a unit of distance not time. reports:

I'm placing you under arrest. Cardiac arrest, that is.


[23:11 PM] Samuel Rummery(Rumdog), Sean Morrissey-Ralevic(Sen), and don attempt to find The machine of time, but Rick Deckard plays ultimate bodyguard and scores a double kill!
The machine of time reports:

I got a call from Rick Deckard letting me know that Sen, Rumdog and their friends were on our staircase plotting to take me out. Rick Deckard managed to stall for time by telling them that I was at a house party when I was in fact in my room doing the examples paper that was due for the next day. Quietly, I opened the door, holding onto my nerf gun tight. Rick Deckard walked into the corridor - we made eye contact, knowing it was about to go down. Then a glimpse of Sen and Rumdog came to view. They weren't prepared to see us though, and with one attempt to shoot at us, they turned and ran to leave the building. Rick Deckard and I chased after them, in pursuit. Firing our nerf guns while our feet thundered on the corridor floor. As Sen and Rumdog were flying down the winding stairs, Rick Deckard managed to shoot them both, scoring his first two kills. It just shows, don't do a disservice to yourself by coming into our territory unprepared. And even if you are prepared, me and Rick Deckard have each other's backs and you will not make it out of here alive.

Wednesday, 9 February


[04:55 AM] Miriam Rose Eley(Scarlett) is retired by Switch
Switch reports:

The time was 00:52, and I had succeeded in tracking down my target, a small cell of individuals managing a ring responsible for trafficking replicants out of off-world mines and setting them up with false identities. Recently I had managed to track down and locate one of the many safe houses they operate from. I snuck towards the entrance to the building, a small door opening onto a back alley in a quiet part of the city, and quickly bypassed the lock. I set down my suitcase and assembled the rifle I had within it. With the rifle thrumming quietly in my hand I entered the building to find it empty. My intel suggested the building was currently in active use, and certain detritus indicating human occupation corroborated that. I took a brief moment to survey the room, my eyes lingering on a beautiful katana mounted on the wall. A truly elegant weapon, and I felt compelled to try it out. It was unfortunate that my target took that moment to enter the building again. Taking advantage of their sudden shock at seeing me I dashed towards them and with wonderful irony ran them through with their own katana.


[09:30 AM] The New Photographer for the Encyclopedia Galactica does some good hitchhiking, but is unable to locate Mammal of Action or The Gentleman
The New Photographer for the Encyclopedia Galactica reports:

Firstborn Artifacts
Evidence of Firstborn presence on Earth
Tribal Competition Field
Violent, non-lethal competitions between tribes are common on Earth. Designated battlegrounds allow visitors to spectate in relative safety.


[10:38 AM] The End of Days catches Anna-Maria Woodrow(Slartibartfast), biblical scenes ensue
The End of Days reports:

I am The End of Days
I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End. - Revelation 22:13


[13:00 PM] The Pied Piper forgets how doors work, to the aid of Zen
The Pied Piper reports:

The afternoon was dank as The Pied Piper sought the bounty hunter Zen, now a bounty themself. The Pied Piper had been tipped off as to their whereabouts--but arriving at the appointed room, they found it locked tight. "Dang! I didn't think of that," they said, and left.


[14:00 PM] The Incident. Involving BIG WURM, Master Hoe-da, Selenite, Dr Neo, GODIEGO, Sally, Chewbacca, The Warden, BigOmicron, Arthur Dent, Doctor Frank N Furter, E.T., TBIYTB, K, Zone and Adenosine Triphosphate Synthase.
The Woman in the Red Dress reports:

Sometimes I hate being umpire. BIG WURM, Master Hoe-da, Selenite, Dr Neo, GODIEGO, Sally, Chewbacca, The Warden, BigOmicron, Arthur Dent, Doctor Frank N Furter, E.T., and TBIYTB get a mutual accomplice of theirs killed by Zone, aided by Adenosine Triphosphate Synthase. K badly misinterprets the rules, causing their own death, and setting Zone and Adenosine Triphosphate Synthase against each other. E.T. illicitly kills Adenosine Triphosphate Synthase before licitly killing Zone, while they are discussing their situation. Everyone but Zone and Adenosine Triphosphate Synthase goes wanted as a result, and Zone and Adenosine Triphosphate Synthase have their deaths annulled.

The Blorg in the Red Party Hat reports:

##Data Packet Recieved. ##Rules Fuckery Detected. ##Do not fuck around with the mortality systems. ##Sending information after death can mess with causality. ##Also, please do not attempt to game the system. ##Unfortunately, events today have left us with one conclusion. ##Commander Browne, the time has come. Execute Order Sixty-Six. ##Happy Hunting, Replicants.


[15:35 PM] The Pied Piper gets luckier, taking out Aaron Syposz(Sulaco)
The Pied Piper reports:

On a different world, I stepped out of a sprawling cantina. A wretched hive of scum and villainy, to be sure, but a place buzzing with information about my target--if one knew who to bribe. I did. Grey clouds gathered as I made my way to the hideout of Imperial Spy Sulaco and slipped inside. They were easy to find, but I wasn't quite quiet enough. As I stepped behind them, slipping a lead box from my pocket, they turned, quirking an eyebrow. "Are you here to kill me?" they asked. As an answer, I flung the box to the gournd--and my Unidentifiable Construct of Radioactive Nanobots (UniCoRN) sprang out, a collective that formed a lethal blade to directly pierce their heart. Their death was quick. Assured of my success, I recalled my bots, and disappeared into the rain.


[16:30 PM] The umpires were cowards and couldn't cope with my REAL pseudonym goes hunting for Fantomas and Ravenfeeder
The umpires were cowards and couldn't cope with my REAL pseudonym reports:

I now begin my hunt for blood, though I have still spilt none. Both my victims were missing when I when I searched for them. Dark peepholes and no answer, hidden behind strong locked doors. No matter though, I will still quench my thirst for blood. It will not be long.


[18:35 PM] The statement "[The Millennium Falcon] made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs" makes no sense as a parsec is a unit of distance not time. and Rachel Whiteley(Darth Rayder) continue their battle

Thursday, 10 February


[02:00 AM] 200 character limit reminisces about the good old days
200 character limit reports:

I have not performed any murderous action tonight. Yet I cannot sleep. The umpires were cowards and couldn't cope with my REAL pseudonym seems to wonder why I havent returned and why I am still so determined to kill them. A long time ago, in a term some may call michelmas. A group of hunters, amongst whom were my partner and friends, attempted to justly take down an incompetent. Yes, we may not have been subtle, but that did not warrant the inco getting a porter to kick us out of the college. It was their Very Big Gun that caused the disturbance that resulted in the porter being called and our shameful escort from their home planet. Yes, this inco was The umpires were cowards and couldn't cope with my REAL pseudonym, and I am so thankful to be able to target them in the name of revenge, a Vendetta if you will.... But this history has given me a well earned fear of them and their Very Big Gun.


[11:24 AM] krysps goes hunting for criminals, finding Umran Tuglu(Dr. Doctor) sound asleep

[14:25 PM] Fantomas and The umpires were cowards and couldn't cope with my REAL pseudonym exchange bullets
The umpires were cowards and couldn't cope with my REAL pseudonym reports:

Once more I have decided to make Fantomas the victim of my hunt. I approached their room again, and knocked. They opened the door, and I loosed a single round. It narrowly missed them, ricocheting off of the door frame, passing into their room. They closed the door before I could fire again. I will get you soon enough.


[14:45 PM] The Adjugate eliminates the rival bounty hunter Rohan Singhal(Dark Destroyer the Second), before investigating the whereabouts of Sally

[16:45 PM] Vapour Snake makes use of scorched earth tactics, to Kitty Love-Jones(Ace Two)'s demise
Vapour Snake reports:

Intruders in deck 18! Patrol dispatched with Hurricane F-9 pulse pistols! Casualties reported: lone rebel agent Ace Two, killed by a pulse round to the head. Corpse to be shipped to airlock 9!


[17:25 PM] The umpires were cowards and couldn't cope with my REAL pseudonym gives some useful advice to Nicola (Nico) Kamara(Ravenfeeder)
The umpires were cowards and couldn't cope with my REAL pseudonym reports:

Having failed yesterday, I feel today that the winds of fate blow with me, as I have already drawn blood. Ravenfeeder's room lay before me, its door inviting unlocked, with voices echoing from inside, clearly distracted. I charged through the door, and saw the three people. I was not certain who my target was, until the panicked, clearly showing they knew their fate. I fired two bullets, both hitting their skull, killing them instantly. The brutal kinetic projectiles throwing their remains about the room, to the horror of their companions. I reminded them to lock their door as I left.


[20:00 PM] Zaphod Beeblebrox's Second Head and That Bug Dude from Men in Black have a wonderful chat
Zaphod Beeblebrox's Second Head reports:

Today I decided to test out my new cocktail - the Fan Platonic Pupil Blaster by having That Bug Dude from Men in Black at [REDACTED] college taste test it. The formula is simple really, it projects shots of instantaneous Platonic Pupil Pleasure straight into one's orifices to ensure the Pupil concentration is not affected by the gargleblobles in the air. Unfortunately, I have not spent long enough with the jobblyhoops in [REDACTED] to realise their breed does not contain absorption swooping sensors in their arms like their more commonly known cousins - the jobblytoopers. As my shot contacted with their arm, the gargleblobles in the air interacted with it too fast and - SPLOOOSH - the jobblyhoop's arm was turning into a purple jelly substance that started dripping. This resulted in splunks of colourful mess around the jobblyhoop's room and an unfortunate 2nd attempt at delivering my tasty Fan Platonic Pupul Blaster to the correct place. That Bug Dude from Men in Black ran into their bathroom disgusted with the mess I've caused and refusing to give my gorgeous cocktail a try. What a shame, I promise it's flusterious!


[21:50 PM] Ayushman Mukherjee(The Camembert Cutter)'s time runs out
The Woman in the Red Dress reports:

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe... Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion... I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain... Time to die.

Friday, 11 February


[03:36 AM] The umpires were cowards and couldn't cope with my REAL pseudonym throws down the glove
The umpires were cowards and couldn't cope with my REAL pseudonym reports:

My dear fellow 200 character limit, you commit a most heinous slander against me. I have never been, and will never be incompetant. I was, at the time described by yourself, engauging in the very splendid and worthwhile police war, and was fighting for justice, not scrabbling around in the dirt, trying to save my own skin. I take your comments as a direct attack against my character, and wish to throw down the glove. I thus request a duel, though I am not suitably available in the near future, as I have commitments far more important than skum like you. If you truely wish to fight me, then you can surely find my email and can, I trust, work out how to use it. This may, however, be optimistic, as you seem quite incapable of using grammar. Good day.

The Woman in the Red Dress reports:

people be insulting grammar and spelling like this 💀


[10:30 AM] The Lost and Vapour Snake check out the disaster area, but are unable to locate BIG WURM, Master Hoe-da, Selenite, Dr Neo, GODIEGO, Sally, Chewbacca, The Warden, BigOmicron, Arthur Dent, Doctor Frank N Furter, E.T., TBIYTB, and K
The Lost reports:

Dear Diary, I got to see Guppy today! I took her on a walk to the park and we saw a couple of friends there. Guppy likes my friends very much, and it makes them really happy whenever we go. I then had to return Guppy to my mom after we got back home, but as we reached her door, Guppy spoke to me. "Isaac," she said, "it is not safe here." I stared at her in confusion. "What do you mean?" I asked. "You are right," she said. "Everyone is out to get you. Your mother's already tried to kill you. Twice. It is no longer safe to stay at home. If you wish to live, you must let go of your life. But with your faith, God will protect you. An angel will descend from heaven to keep you safe." Enlightened, my only words were "thank you, Guppy. But what about you?" Guppy said she'd be fine, but I think she's just saying that to keep me happy. And so, later that day I picked up my Holy Bible and ran off, never to return home again. I'll miss you Guppy. XOXO Isaac


[13:10 PM] The Pied Piper remembers the theme of the term
The Pied Piper reports:

Under what should have been moody cloud cover but was actually brilliant sun, I paced the streets of my city. My goal was simple: Find Ripley the Alien Slayer and eliminate them. Did they think they could hide by not giving an address? My brilliant detective skills would soon prove otherwise. That I didn't find them on this occasion is in no way reflective of the brilliance of my detective skills. A single tear slid down my grimy face as I thought of the poor aliens that had fallen to Ripley the Alien Slayer in the past. Soon, there would be justice. Oh yeah this is supposed to be sci-fi themed. Uh, all the pigeons in the city were robots.


[15:30 PM] The umpires were cowards and couldn't cope with my REAL pseudonym begins to track down 200 character limit
The umpires were cowards and couldn't cope with my REAL pseudonym reports:

I went on a brief expedition to find 200 character limit, as I am piecing together their true identity. Your time is running out... Think carefully upon your options: Apologise or die!


[17:05 PM] Mettaton investigates Agent Smith's door
Agent Smith reports:

Two mysterious individuals were looking for me and knocked on my door, at 5:10pm. I refused to open, and they left, after talking to one of my neighbours. What they didn't know was that Bean, was aware of the altercation. They swiftly alerted many more and a group of individuals, consisting of Bean, Anthony, The Fairy Queen, and Lofty began to lurk behind them in order to ascertain whether they were planning on returning. The quadruplet decided to end their investigative movements at around 5:25pm.


[17:08 PM] Ace II tries to kill TBIYTB without taking the hint from the wanted list...

[17:09 PM] The umpires were cowards and couldn't cope with my REAL pseudonym is baffled by modern technology, luckily for Fantomas and Star Shrek
The umpires were cowards and couldn't cope with my REAL pseudonym reports:

I visited both, but no blood was spilt as their fiendish doors defeated me.


[17:19 PM] The umpires were cowards and couldn't cope with my REAL pseudonym's luck improves with Samuel Jessop(Jezza)
The umpires were cowards and couldn't cope with my REAL pseudonym reports:

I was feeling down after my recent failures against Fantomas, Star Shrek, and 200 character limit, but I am returned now to my usual jubilance, with the successful, if rather anticlimactic killing of Jezza. I had approached with much skepticism, as [REDACTED] court seemed impenetrable, but to my surprise there was an unlocked door. My journey to their room was swift and to my further surprise, their own door was unlocked. Pushing it gently, I tried to creep inside, but they were too sharp. Fortunately for me they were also woefully unprepared, being in the middle of a nap, so were dispatched rapidly with two shots, the first hitting their arm, the second their chest. I did not remind them to lock their door, contrarily to my usually helpful self, but, in my defence, they wouldn't have heard me. Their last words were "you got me". This isn't particularly enlightening, but I feel it is important to share, out of respect for the recently deceased.


[18:00 PM] Mettaton reveals a shocking truth about pipipipipipi

[19:43 PM] 200 character limit finds the corrupt Rachel Whiteley(Darth Rayder)
Darth Rayder reports:

All I did was say I liked dolphins :(


[19:47 PM] Archibald makes short work of Lucy Currid(Juice)

[23:47 PM] AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA gets creative
AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA AKA reports:



The Woman in the Red Dress reports:

evidently not long at all

Saturday, 12 February


[20:00 PM] HAL 9000 spooks easily
HAL 9000 reports:

Landmine was identified by neighbours outside my door, I successfully defused the item with ease. Such a transgression at my personal domicile will not be forgiven.


[22:22 PM] The statement "[The Millennium Falcon] made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs" makes no sense as a parsec is a unit of distance not time., David McCoy, and Rachel Whiteley(Darth Rayder) do a bit of trolling, all now wanted/corrupt
Darth Rayder reports:

An argument broke out. I asked, "which is wetter, moist or damp?" They replied, foolishly sure in their answer, "damp." We are not the same people. "I disagree, moist is wetter," I retort vehemently, eyes spitting with the rage of a million Chewbaccas, hands trembling, enough to shatter the Millenium Falcon in one shake. "There's only one way to settle this," they declare, raising with their lanky arm a Galactic Gun 2000 - I look around frantically, where is my weapon, where is my weapon, where is my weapon - nowhere - the trigger is pulled - a click - through the air - a bullet. Hits. My torso. Wounded, gasping for air, nay, dead? Dead. My blood makes the floor moist - not damp - but moist. Calling all assassins and police to answer this survey, so we can truly know the moist-damp answer, lest any more be killed: https://forms.gle/mHLPWL51bX8oVS1MA

The statement "[The Millennium Falcon] made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs" makes no sense as a parsec is a unit of distance not time. reports:

I believe this video sums up what happened nicely.

The Blorg in the Red Party Hat reports:

Wet, Wild and Wanted Three Wacky Assassin's get bloody... Useless at following the game rules. Also damp is wetter than moist and anyone who disagrees will get a practical demonstration from my watergun

The Woman in the Red Dress reports:

Darth Rayder asks David McCoy to kill them, David McCoy does so and then also kills an innocent, at which point The statement "[The Millennium Falcon] made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs" makes no sense as a parsec is a unit of distance not time. kills David McCoy for bearing (which does not make a live player licit for police), and Darth Rayder submits a report claiming that David McCoy legally got that kill

David McCoy reports:

After a fierce dispute over measures of wetness, weapons were drawn and, in a flash of the discharge of phaser weaponary, multiple were sent to their graves. Please vote here to settle this dispute and bring justice for those who died in their noble cause.


[22:36 PM] The End of Days misquotes the Bible to Christian Longstaff(The Fly)
The End of Days reports:

I am The End of Days
Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that entereth not by the door into the student accomodation, but climbeth up some other way, the same is a thief and a robber and an assassin. But he that entereth in by the door is trusted. To him the porter openeth; and the target hears his voice: and he calleth his own target by name, and leadeth them out. - John 10:1-3


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