Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 1 News

Sunday, 14 October

[00:00 AM] Welcome to the Labyrinth
Jareth reports:

And so it begins. I heard your wishes, and I have answered them. A chance to prove yourself, to win eternal glory, to see all your dreams come true.

Oh, but did you think victory would simply be handed to you, that I would pass you the crown without trial or tribulation? A pity. I have many wishes to answer, and only the one among you who solves the Labyrinth and survives to the end may take the final prize. I've given you your chance; what more can you ask of me? One will succeed; the rest will be lost to the tunnels, or cast into the oubliettes, or perhaps even drawn into the ranks of the Goblin Army, forevermore.

One will succeed, and the rest will remain here, in the Labyrinth. So go on and solve your puzzles and take up your toy swords. You know that every time you steer your rival to their own dead end, you take another step closer to the gates of the castle beyond the Goblin City. What harm can it do, really? What harm can it do to you?

Go. Solve it, if you can. Survive it, if you wish. This is your wish, after all; I only heard, and granted it.

Be careful what you wish for.

[00:27 AM] And the first blood of the game is spilled! Ariana Stark's wolves make short work of CakeMix (Gokulan (Gok) Vethanayakam), as Maleficent looks on

[00:30 AM] Alder Skrilth thinks he can make some sort of stand against Jareth the Goblin King. Foolish, foolish boy.
Alder Skrilth reports:


So, I mean, guess we're all in this together, right? Stupid labyrinth, stupid game, stupid damn goblin king seeming to think they run the whole thing.

I guess I don't know why the rest of you are stuck in this mess... but, well, let me introduce myself, alright? Cause I got a thing you might all be real interested in like. Alder Skrilth, adventurer of the guild of Fallcrest.

My reasons for bein in this mess are my own like, but I got news for the lot of yeh.

I took a shot at Jareth himself and I'm still alive.

I mean, I'm not sure how much damage I did, kinda got the hell out of there faster than a crystal fired out of a magical resonance amplifier, but... look, point being that I'm still here.

It's possible to fight back, got it?

So... what do yeh say to that? I'm gonna do what I've always done... resolve to die on my feet, fighting. Anything other than that is just an improvement, right?

If you're with me, join the dreamless ones... until I know more about this 'labyrinth'... no, I'm not calling it that... there's power in names, so I ain't using any name that Jareth gave me for something... let's see... maze, that means the same thing...

Until I know more about this maze, I'm gonna keep my head down, work on staying off their 'lists'. Not too difficult for an adventurer as powerful, experienced and swashbucklingly heroic as me, I expect. I've dealt with worse before, after all. The rest of yeh... good luck, I guess, and... sorry if I meet yeh early.

Long story short, let's break out of this mess. I mean, not all of yeh will be adventurers... not all of yeh will be as dashing or talented as I am... but, you can get lucky, you can learn and you can adapt. Hell, one of you might even take out me. I look forward to that... because if you can take out me, and I can hurt Jareth without being hit myself... well, maybe you can...

Getting ahead of myself.

Mine alone and nobody else's

Alder Skrilth, the dreamless adventurer

Jareth reports:

Oh, so now you think you can fight against me? You call your little soldiers to arms, with those toys you would make weapons? How charming. You wished for adventure as much as the rest of them, boy. Don't complain when I give it to you.

Still, I'm clearly not making this difficult enough for your honed adventurer's tastes. Heroic? We'll see about that, when the allies you reach for have turned on you. They're not your friends, boy. They wished for this as much as you did. And if they haven't turned swords against you yet - well, perhaps I simply need to raise the stakes a little.

Oh, and Skrilth? I wouldn't be so hasty to see this through, if I were you. Your weapons have no power over me here, in the Labyrinth, but if they did - what do you think would become of it, if I fell? What would become of your way home? Do you really want to stay, here, for all eternity, cut loose from reality, as the walls of the world fall in?

[12:00 PM] Lyra Viria waits in vain
Lyra Viria reports:

I found the residence of Tor fairly easily. Upon arrival I prepared my weapon and waited for the perfect moment to strike. As I did so, I overheard my target and they were suspicious, they knew they were being hunted. My heart sank. I would not be able to trick them into their death, but would instead have to hide in the shadows and hope they walked into my trap. They did not. I left before I wasted any more time with this stupidity. I was cold, wet, hungry, and worst of all, I had failed.

[13:30 PM] Grimalkin's sophisticated preparation scores a critical hit on Gorgias The Sophist (Adam Reeves)
Grimalkin reports:

The kill began as a simple reconnaissance mission; a visit to Gorgias The Sophist's accommodation to try work out an optimal angle for sniping, spell casting or dueling. After a precarious interaction with another member of Gorgias The Sophist's corridor, I got a good view of both the inside of his room and the corridor. However, I still wanted to catch a glimpse of my targets face. After waiting around for an hour, trying to consider every possible angle, Gorgias The Sophist still hadn't turned up. Deciding to call it a day, and happy with a reconnaissance mission gone well, I left the college - and to my surprise and joy, I spotted Gorgias The Sophist walking up to the college just as I left. Rolling a nat20 on my move silently rolls, I quickly snuck up behind him and knifed him in the back.

[13:45 PM] Tor fends off mysterious invaders
Tor reports:

Two suspicious males knocked on my door today. I open my door a bit to talk to them and managed to confirm they were assassins. I then proceeded to close the door and they left.

[13:45 PM] PolarBear strikes down Angleic (Emily Barker) while The yoyo's back is turned
PolarBear reports:

Walking back from Sainsbury's with my friends The yoyo and Angleic, who thought we were safe in our far-off stronghold [REDACTED], I struck her several times with a knife while The yoyo was distracted, speaking with his college father.

[14:50 PM] It's death all round for Maleficent (Alex Radford) and a55a55in0 (Rebecca (Becca) Tyson)
Maleficent reports:

I attacked a55a55in0 in her staircase at [COLLEGE REDACTED] and we have both died after a brutal sword duel (pens) in which we simultaneously stabbed the other in the torso.

a55a55in0 reports:

Maleficent just arrived at my accommodation with plans to attack. Fortunately, I was ready for the attack, being equipped with a dagger. Unfortunately, we simultaneously killed each other so are now deceased.

[15:10 PM] Ariana Stark's civilised and refined campaign of death continues, as 01001110 (Nick Carson) falls to her knife.
Ariana Stark reports:

I have killed 01001110 with a highlighter labelled knife, I got him in the torso. Calypso as well as the ghosts of Maleficent and a55a55in0 watched on. We are now all having tea!

[15:25 PM] Lyra Viria's patience is rewarded; Candy Crush Soda (Tiffany Choi) pays the price of goblin fruits
Lyra Viria reports:

It had been raining for hours by the time I got to the location of Candy Crush Soda. Angry and disappointed by the morning's failure, my mood was not improved by the door to the building being sealed shut. I decided to wait and see if this was temporary, so I stood miserably in the rain. To my delight it took only a few minutes for the door to open! I entered carefully and found the room of my target. The opened the door to the offer of food. I instantly summoned a feral beast that mauled her to death. I walked away victorious, knowing the day had not been a waste after all.

[16:30 PM] The Bronze Oxon's soul escapes from the clutches of Lucifer
Lucifer reports:

It had taken eons for Lucifer to finally manifest himself in the form of a human to finally transcend into the mortal plane. Boredom is rife in the Nether Realm if you happen to be an immortal devil but by possessing a lesser soul, Lucifer was able to enter the mortal realm temporarily in search of worthy adversaries, albeit in a weaker form. Looking around, he found himself at the base of an upward spiralling staircase. Driven on by bloodthirsty desires, Lucifer mounted the stairs and was faced by a wooden door. Rapping his knuckles on the door, Lucifer drew his soul-stealing flail and prepared for any imminent dangers. Sure enough, as the door opened into darkness, a small crossbow appeared, loaded to end the life of Lucifer's host. Taking a more offensive approach, Lucifer swung at the space between door and wall but his unknown adversary slammed the wooden door shut, blocking Lucifer out. Disappointed that his human host had no capabilities of destroying said door, Lucifer descended the stairs in search of other prey. It would take a while to get used to his new mortal body.

[17:25 PM] Megumeme tries to throw a fridge at Agrajag the Mostly Harmless, rolls a Nat1 on strength

[18:00 PM] Mr Resourceful has no luck, for now
Mr Resourceful reports:

Early this evening I ventured into Cambridge with my knife to look for my targets. Alas, there was no sign of either of them, despite a thorough search of the surrounding areas.

[18:35 PM] Help! My Neighbour Is The Chief Of Police! (Roddy MacSween) is wiped out by The Butterfly Effect
The Butterfly Effect reports:

Sometimes things can have unintended consequences. I had been there not 20 minutes previously, but a friend had alerted me to the lack of strawberries for our Pimms' (I know! What else would you drink with weather like this). I returned, and was about to leave when I saw him. Surely not. Was this the figure from a blurry image I had found online? It was near to his college, after all - so I decided. Carpe Diem and all that. My clothing was conspicuous, but I hoped that that would distract him from my face, lurking in the dark outside. I was not even noticed, until I was.

Monday, 15 October

[10:20 AM] Hutmann, the Prematurely Obliterated of the Western Marshlands's scientific research mission gets off to a shaky start
Hutmann, the Prematurely Obliterated of the Western Marshlands reports:

To the Presidium of the Intercollegiate Species Documentation Committee:

Dear Sirs,

I have so far been unsuccessful in gathering the specimens you have directed me to collect in this area. However, this was not without considerable effort on my part. I attempted to acquire three species today alone - the Cherry Pie, Em, a clueless fresher, and David Monroe. The first, Cherry Pie, appears to have taken up residence in a densely-populated local urban area, but made their lair behind a series of locked doors. Despite a great deal of time spent waiting for someone to pass by and potentially let me in, I was unable to access their nest. The Em, a clueless fresher was simpler to get to; I followed their tracks for a while but lost the creature in the woods.

David Monroe was even more of a disaster. I followed the specimen to its hunting-ground but before I was able to set my sights on the beast, I tripped over a tree-root and landed hard, scratching my monocle. Thankfully, I had a spare, but my nerves are still rattled.

Frankly, Sirs, this assignment is worse than the time when I was sent out to gather Stonecrill larvae and almost suffocated in a pile of Swamp-Murloc dung.

Your faithful servant,


[12:05 PM] Can a student with a ruler simultaneously exist as a knife-wielding Schrodinger's Cat? Hard to say, but Heisenberg (Parth Shimpi) is most certainly deceased
Schrodinger's Cat reports:

Heisenberg was ambushed outside [PLACE OF LEARNING REDACTED] with a weapon of maths construction and died with grace and a degree confusion. Monday morning lectures aren't really the time you want to be confronted with a fatal plastic ruler.

[12:45 PM] Haruto Amo wants to find their friends - at any cost
Haruto Amo reports:

The Labyrinth is a strange place, sleep seems to be able to be disrupted by something a passing goblin told me was called a "fire drill". This threw my plans into disarray and I woke up late.

But I didn't have time to waste. I don't know if my friends are out there, but there are too many people to tell, so by killing some, I figured I would have a better chance of both finding, and protecting them. I know some, Asahi in particular, would disapprove of this method, but I see no other alternative. If I can reunite Subaru here, we'll be unstoppable.

My first victim was intended to die this afternoon, but I discovered that it is possible to be too far away from the doors of a lecture theatre to properly see your target, especially if you get confused by tall people. He may have passed and ascended a staircase, he may not have. I guess I shall find out the next time I try. I'm sure there will be plenty more opportunities...

[12:55 PM] demon 16 ends the life of Sawuman the Right (David Evans)
Sawuman the Right reports:

Sawuman the Right spent his morning poring over the ancient tome before him. He had long since mastered the noble art of Lek-chure, providing an aura of personal protection during his wisdom-dredging cycle. As Sawuman stirred, and the aura of Lek-chure began to shrink around him, a knife flashed in the darkness. The protection faded; the weapon found its mark. The lore had not been enough. Sawuman had been overconfident; unaware; foolish. Wrong not Right.

[13:05 PM] Tor and Gansoku (Nissim Chekroun) learn the power of using True Names
Tor reports:

I successfully managed to spot Gansoku in one of my lectures and followed him as he walked to his bike. I approach him and ask for his name, to ensure his identity. Once confirmed I revealed my Jolt and shot him directly in the chest, ending his short life.

Gansoku reports:

It is with great pain that I write this report on my own death. Around 5 past 1 earlier today, I walked out of my second and last lecture, sleepy and exhausted. I headed for my bike and was just about to leave, as an unknown, innocent-looking girl walked up to me. She asked for my name, to which I stupidly answered my real name. Monday mornings do that to your brain, apparently. She then proceeded to draw a small Nerf gun, and shot me point-blank in the torso. I fell miserably, still completely confused about what just happened.

[13:26 PM] Too good for part 1A (August Liu) is too good for this life as Finn mac Cool strikes him down

[13:30 PM] Sad Samurai (Bence Balazs) is brutally murdered by Bambi
Sad Samurai reports:

A warning from the void

After a morning of backbreaking labor I came to the communal hall to eat my meagre provisions for the day. Bambi approached me and asked my name. My tired mind didn't see the obvious trap. I foolishly answered with my true name, and was instantly eviscerated by his cleverly hidden dagger. Listener of the void, beware! Since he has my true name, his dagger is now imbued with the power of my soul. Don't fall for his cunning, or you will meet the same fate!

[16:00 PM] Joe lunn (Amelia Marshall) learns the hard way about opening doors to strangers like Soapier Mantis
Soapier Mantis reports:

After slipping through [COLLEGE REDACTED] security, I located Joe lunn's room and knocked. Oblivious to any danger, she opened the door and was immediately shot in the gut. She died instantly. BenTheChicken was present for moral support but took no part in the action.

[16:20 PM] BenTheChicken takes out Anna (Anna Mills) with a little help from a friend
BenTheChicken reports:

I arrived at Anna's room at around 16.10 and found it unlocked and empty. I waited inside with Soapier Mantis who was there with me for moral support but took no part in the killing. When Anna entered 10 minutes later I shot once but missed and she froze, so I shot again this time hitting her in the torso.

[22:50 PM] The art of disguise serves Grimalkin well, as Laura Palmer (Ieva Wade) is deceived by fluffy appearances
Grimalkin reports:

It was night time, and time for Grimalkin to strike again. Locating my next target, a student at [COLLEGE REDACTED], I managed to roll several successful bluff checks to beat their sense motives, allowing myself entry to a friendly gathering under the guise of a netflix evening in a unicorn onesie. Whilst greeting everyone, I quickly whipped out a knife, and stabbed Laura Palmer straight in the back, much to the shock and horror of everyone present. Once they had recovered, I swiftly took Laura Palmer's thumbs as trophies, before leaving to prepare for my next kill.

Laura Palmer reports:

Like Brutus, who betrayed Caesar with the final slash of his knife, so was I betrayed by someone I thought I could trust. At 22:45, Grimalkin came to the room I was in, wearing a unicorn onesie, and stabbed me in the back. Bambi, and the ghosts of Joe lunn, a55a55in0, and 01001110 looked on. However, like Caesar's spirit, I intend to have my vengeance from beyond the grave, and have passed on my knife to a successor. Avenge me.

Tuesday, 16 October

[08:30 AM] It's a rude awakening for Megumeme (Yin Tung Eugene Lee (Eugene)), as Agrajag the Mostly Harmless seeks revenge
Agrajag the Mostly Harmless reports:

As usual, it was a dark and stormy night when Megumeme tried to lure me to my death, with an offer of "the best food seen this side of the Restaurant at the End of the Universe". Fortunately his attempt to end my life was futile, and at that point I knew he was just another reincarnation of Arthur Dent.

Naturally he needed to die, and soon.

Some days later I sneaked into the dastardly Megumeme's residence; finding his door unlocked I stabbed him as he slept.

[08:50 AM] Haruto Amo finds a friend and a wooden spoon (Domantas Kuryla)
Haruto Amo reports:

I found a friend, Barry Bluejeans, lost in the maze recently. We decided there is safety in numbers, and met to take out one of my targets.

We waited in a convenient location for around 15 minutes for him to emerge from his lair, and then, someone who looked like it could be him emerged. But he looked a bit different.

"I think that could be him", I said. "His hair is very different but I think the face is his"

"Yeah, looks like it"

"I have a plan", I said, and pursued him.

He had managed to get quite far away from me, but I ran to catch up, charging my Cour de Leon sense as I did. Eventually I reached him, and luckily he hadn't heard me, so I called out his name. He turned around, and I instantly recognised him, and swung my sword, a blade of orange energy flying from it and striking his torso.

He fell. I had done it, I had killed someone. I rejoined Barry Bluejeans and we left. The maze now has one less person, one less threat to my friends. Hopefully I can find the others soon.

[09:23 AM] Trivial Group will wait however long it takes to get 5pc Chicken Selects (Ajay Ahir)

[10:00 AM] The Legs get a lucky strike at Mr. Mxyzptlk (Bilal Amin)
The Legs reports:

At 10:00 this morning I was very lucky to spot Mr. Mxyzptlk leaving a lecture by pure chance. I wopped in the guts with a cheeky bullet much to his confusion. As his spirit seeped away from this world he uttered a strange curse "[CENSORED]". I do hope that this hex is not something that will haunt me for too long!

[10:00 AM] ExoticAngel makes a trick shot at The yoyo (Robert Yeo)

[10:55 AM] Haruto Amo makes short work of Plankofwood (Robert Ogilvy)
Haruto Amo reports:

It had been a good morning so far, but I wanted it to be a better morning, and so I decided to try again on Plankofwood.

I had received an anonymous tip from a passing goblin about his whereabouts, and so I arrived at the area early, a photo of him in hand in case I should hesitate like last time. I was able to blend seamlessly into the crowd of other wanderers, checking for both Plankofwood and any sign of Subaru.

After around 10 minutes, he appeared, and turned a corner. I pursued him and tapped him on the back, calling his name to confirm his identity. His turning of his head was enough for me, and I thrust my sword Pleiades, through his back.

Now I shall retreat and plan my next move. The numbers are starting to thin, so hopefully my friends can make contact in the near future. It's a dark and lonely place right now.

[11:00 AM] Mr Resourceful (Jacob Rowlands) isn't resourceful enough to escape the wrath of Lord Farquaard
Lord Farquaard reports:

If you want something done, you got to do it yourself. With anticipation, I waited for the Mr Resourceful magician at his place of study and followed him without his knowledge. Who knew a simple knife in the belly makes short work of these "magical" beings. Ha, one less fairytale creature to pollute my kingdom. - Lord Maximus Farquaad.

[12:00 PM] Lucifer bides his time
Lucifer reports:

Hmmm? What's this? A report board for adventurers? Mortals and their desire for recognition... Pride is a temptation that few mortals can resist. Well I suppose since my host finds himself trapped in this "maze" as Skrilth put it then I might as well make use of this.

The first soul I wanted to steal seems to have barred themselves behind a wooden door in some remote corner of a tower somewhere in this labyrinth. Apparently mortal bodies cannot destroy simple wooden doors very effectively so I decided to pay a visit to my second victim. Unfortunately he proved to be a rather elusive one and managed to evade me throughout the day.

Patience. Eventually their pride will be their undoing.

Lord of the Ninth Circle of Hell,


[20:24 PM] An improbable encounter with Calypso ends badly for Ford Prefect (Josephine (Josie) Brookes)

[22:06 PM] Arthur Dent takes a stab at Em, a clueless fresher (Emily Beatty)

[23:00 PM] A poorly-timed bathroom break leaves Ramsey (Will Hackett) dead at the hands of Marlo
Marlo reports:

A band of Farquaadian knights infiltrated into the lair, of Ramsey. We knocked thrice on his chambers, but there was no reply. We heard movement from outside, in the near by outhouse, so we quickly moved away from the door. But to our surprise, it was Ramsey using the chamber pot! I asked his name, and he replies, "yes, it is I Ramsey", when we then released the arrow. He tried to dodge by leaping into his cabin, but he was too slow. A brave attempt, but foolish none the less. He died. This victory led to my knighthood by lord Farquaad. Long may he reign.

Wednesday, 17 October

[10:00 AM] Alder Skrilth gets bored, goes on a killing spree consisting solely of Sir Perfluous (Benjamin Gibson)
Alder Skrilth reports:

"I've got my mother's hopes, I have my father's eyes,

You can't take that from me, just go ahead and try.

This whole damn maze still sleeps, while giants in the sky,

Now prepare to unleash, let loose a mighty cry."

Alright... let's... let's explain some things, gobbo... after all, you seem to have a real strange idea about what it is I'm here for. [Oh, really. Do enlighten me. -J]

Staying here for eternity as the walls fall in... eh, I've dealt with worse. Hell, that sounds like my idea of a good time. We'd find a way out... always have before. Going home? What do I care for a place that's lost everything I once cared about it for? Answer me that. But, you were right about one thing... the more of a challenge this gets, the more chance there is that, just for 10 seconds, I won't be bored. [Oh, is that so? Keep asking for trouble. I'll give it to you. -J]

Take Sir Perfluous, for instance. The guy was half asleep... hardly even seemed fair. I mean, sure, the rain stung like a unicorn's horn through the gut (trust me, I'd know), and I miiiiiight have gotten lost on my way there, but... ah well, the area showed signs of having been assaulted before by a large number, so, maybe he was more than I give him credit for... not that that matters now.

Those fools back home... they made a monster out of me, kingy... did yeh know that? And now I'm even actin like it too...

Eh, whatever, I can't love, I don't fear, I do what nobody says, and I got no need of slaves, so I guess our relationship is gonna have to stay... well, as fun as it is, right kingy? I mean, we both know you could blast me away right now with not much more than a thought, but you don't...

You findin this as amusin as I am? [Your insolence is worth the entertainment, for now. But don't defy me again. -J]

Mine, and nobody else's

Alder Skrilth, first of the dreamless.

"Five thousand feet below, as black smoke engulfs the sky,

The ocean floor explodes, eleven mothers cry.

My Bones all resonate, a burning lullaby.

You can't take that from me, just go ahead and try."

Sir Perfluous reports:

Sir Perfluous lay on his wooden pallet bed, hands crossed over his chest and eyes closed in contemplation and prayer, gathering his energy for the coming day's work. There was much to be done - unbelievers to smite and lengthy illuminated manuscripts to write up for his supervisor. He would need his strength.

But then a slight sound at the door stirred him from his reverie - a twitch of the handle, a foot at the door. With a jolt, he realised that he'd forgotten to re-bolt the door after his faithful squire had been in only a few moments earlier to take the recycling out. He reached beside the bed for a sword, but too late - a hooded figure burst in, crossbow in hand. A click of the trigger and Sir Perfluous fell back onto the bed, a black bolt in his chest and blood staining the wood of his mattress. As quickly as he had come, the figure was gone.

Many hours passed and Sir Perfluous lay there, still and unmoving. But then, whether driven by the power of his holy purpose or by the fickle will of the gods, with a gasp, he sat up, his eyes black as a stone at midnight and his purpose clear as ice. He had returned from beyond the grave and he would have his vengeance on those who had cut him down in his pursuit of justice. In this life, if not in his last.

[Welcome to the Goblin Army. -J]

[12:00 PM] Artemis (Eszter Arany (Eszti)) falls to an ExoticAngel

[17:30 PM] The Legs stumble across KdogLong (Kelvin Leung)
The Legs reports:

I was just chillin' and grillin' in a fun old talk and what do I see, a dude that looks like my target, KdogLong, so I kicked about outside for a little while afterwards and waited for him to emerge. He took his time as I suspect he was involved in some highly illegal cake dealing with the lecturer but that's ok, patience is a virtue. When he did appear I just sort of shot him a bit and that was cool I guess.

[17:35 PM] Galadriel vows to do away with the likes of Gerblerb the Gerblin (Lisa She-Yin)
Galadriel reports:

Galadriel, Lady of Light, had returned. This labyrinth, a tool of foul fey magic, opposed everything she had fought against in the last thousand years. As she returned from the Undying Lands, she surveyed her next target, Gerblerb the Gerblin. As she set foot on Middle Earth for the first time in a century, she gathered her elf magic around her, cloaking herself with its power, calling upon the strength of Nenya, ring of the adamant to hide her mind and bolster her magic. As she approached the door of the abode of her target, her heart hardened, and she steeled her resolve. Rapping on the door with her staff, she awaited response, and as soon as the door was opened, she struck, killing her target as swiftly as only an elf can.

Gerblerb the Gerblin reports:

I was stabbed in my own territory. I saw the handle turn, but it was locked. (I still take my precautions, I'm not that negligent.) Three knocks. I hesistated, opening the door in caution, hand on knife. But alas, I was too slow to draw as Galadriel caught me in the arm, followed by a fatal wound to the torso. To all my comrades who may suffer the wrath of the Labyrinth. Do not delay, do not hesistate. Kill.

[18:00 PM] M's quest leads to a locked gate
M reports:

Dear Master,

Please do accept my infinite gratitude and utmost respect for your purchase. From the moment on, to when only ash remains of what were once the Seven Worlds, or when the last breath is drawn from what was mortal of me, whichever first comes to be, am I forever in your possession and debt.

Dear Master, though, do bear in mind, that my loyalty and mortal life are the only things of me you rightfully possess; my conscience, respect and immortal soul shall you never intend to corrupt.

Frankly, Master, a ruthless and merciless warlord like you should never have purchased someone like me. I am a former Paladin who killed his Lord, and if you had thought me corrupted because I was condemned, then you were nothing but too wrong. As a Paladin I hate taking a life, but our doctrine asks for loyalty to justice, not the monarch.

However, Master, you should not fear that one day I shall betray you. I only wish to express to you that I do not have the quality you might have hoped for when you saved me from the death row, namely, evil and betrayal. I am no longer a Paladin, and I shall abide now by the doctrine of Slaves. My contempt for you shall by no means weaken my effort to carry out your orders per our contract, be it trivial or impossible, humiliating or evil.

Currently I am working on the Lord from our neighboring land that you wanted out of the game. I disguised as a traveller and got to the foot of his castle today. Royal flag was flapping ferociously in the wind high up the tower, and from the busy streams of servants I figured the Lord was at home. However it was impossible to get through the second gate leading up to the palace. Wandering too long near the castle causes suspicion, so I strolled out of the city.

Rest assured that it will be done.

Your wish is my command,


[22:02 PM] Marlo's knightly routine means lights out for Oona, Queen of the Fae (Jack Lawrence)
Marlo reports:

A new night, a new knight. Time for my first kill under the cloak of Lord Farquaad. This one, however, took more patience. A stranger let us into their lair, but Oona, Queen of the Fae was nowhere to be found. We hid in the dumbwaiter for his arrival, but clock struck 10, we decided to leave his castle. But as we were doing so, we past him on his way in. Lord Farquaad gave me a glance and I knew... Like last night's kill, there was no use in running. One clean arrow to the back was all it took.

Thursday, 18 October

[12:00 PM] All About Dat Bass is all about that murderous lifestyle, to the chagrin of ToxicChopstic (Zion Kim)
All About Dat Bass reports:

ToxicChopstic suffered several stabs to the torso and died.

[12:15 PM] Never going to make you die, never going to say goodbye... The Legs tire of this nonsense and decide that the best solution is to shoot Rick Astley (Eunice Adeoyo)
The Legs reports:

After the death of KdogLong yesterday afternoon I received my new target, Rick Astley, she was very easy to find so I made my way to her room and gave it a good stern knock. From the room comes a "hello who's there?", to which I reply a feeble and weak "hello?!", a very poor disguise indeed. To my amazement the door opened and my target appeared, so I shot them, apologised for the inconvenience and left.

Be advised, this report is coming at y'all from the Bean Gang HQ, followers of the vertically challenged one, the great Lord Farquaad, E be upon him! Be warned felleronis! Keep your eyes to sky and listen out for a sign, cos ya never know when it's Bean Gang time!

[15:27 PM] Lord Farquaard decides to show Ser Marlo how it's done, with J (Juvraj Singh Sawhney) as an unwitting guinea pig
Lord Farquaard reports:

Although the castle of [COLLEGE REDACTED] is not as grand as my own, I must admit [COLLEGE REDACTED] is a fortress. Last night, my loyal knight, Ser Marlo, and I approached the fortress. Our sharpened knives gleamed in the lamp light. As we entered through the unlocked front gate, the guards of the gate house stopped us. "No visitors," they said. One man flipped a dagger, glaring at us. We were out numbered and so I swallowed my pride and silently vowed to return. We did so today, and to my pleasure, we found the gates wide open. We slipped into the corridors of wood and stone, lit only by candles. We found the room and a fairytale creature left the room just as we approached... I gave no hints of my true nature. As this monster walked by, my knife flashed in the light. He fell to the ground, bleeding foul ooze.

"And that is how it is done," I said to Ser Marlo as we left. I can see it now, my kingdom, green rolling hills free from talking donkeys, leafy ogreless forests, gingerbread men that don't scream when you eat them... I will make Duloc great again.

[16:00 PM] Kayla Stockwell (Ishaan Vadgama) escapes The Legs' ambush... the first time around
The Legs reports:

Hickory dickory eggs, another report from The Legs! Well peeps, this ones a BOGOF, a two for one offer cos this report could have been filed as what many might call TWO reports instead, however the events are related so I'll blend it into one report:

14:50 - I arrive outside the staircase to my targets tutorial, shaking with anticipation I played it cool and checked my email before checking my messages and then checking my email again another 5 times. Then I had to move out the way so some dude could get to the toilet, but other than that not a lot happened.

15:00 - ok now Kayla Stockwell rocks up for his tutorial, I draw my weapon and my bullet becomes dislodged and falls to the floor. I had failed. Fortunately this guy was not armed, I waddled away... till the very next...

15:50 - 10 mins before then end of Kayla Stockwell's tutorial I turn up and wait a short distance from the entrance to the staircase.

16:00 - Dollar time! He comes out, but doesn't leave with too much urgency, allowing me to give chase and strike him down. A true gamer win!

The Bean Gang strikes again! Lord Farquaad's a cool guy and don't you forget it!

Kayla Stockwell reports:

At 15:00 while I was walking to my supervision by the Catz main court, I was ambushed. By some miracle his gun jammed; I proceeded to the supo (very much alive). At 16:00 the supervision ended - my supo partner went out to check the coast was clear. She said it was.

It was not.

Just as I was entering an adjoining building I heard someone running up behind me - I turned around, realised what was going on and tried to get through the door. This time his gun did not jam.

[18:00 PM] Emma Milstein and Scared, Potter? deliver some baking
Emma Milstein reports:

My grandmother had given me a recipe for some enchanted baking just before I arrived here, and I decided to try it out. It was supposed to make anyone come to them, let their guard down, and put anyone who ate one to sleep. Perfect for a kill I thought.

I met with Scared, Potter? to put this recipe to the test, having chosen a victim who lived near her. He didn't emerge from his lair after a while, obviously I hadn't made this part of the spell correctly it seemed, so we ventured into his abode. I gave Scared, Potter? the brownies and waited, ready to enchant him when his guard was down. But it wasn't.

I peeked round the corner and saw that he had a gun pointed at her, his door open so little I couldn't really see his face. I dashed for cover before he could see me, my shaking hand over my mouth so he wouldn't hear and come for me. He took one of the brownies from Scared, Potter?, his gun never straying from her, and we fled as quickly as we could.

I had planned to try another target this evening, but after such a horrifying encounter I was in no hurry to push my luck, and so retreated to the safety of my home. I must ensure I cast my spells on the brownies properly the next time I make them, that was far too close.

Scared, Potter? reports:

On my travels this day, I came upon a warrior, questing to rid the world of vermin. Spurred by her gallantry, I journeyed alongside her to aid in the quest.

We happened upon the abode of one such rogue, and so we waited in earnest, attempting to surprise the knave as he sought his evening victuals. After a time, our hearts grew weary, and so we crept into the lair in search of our target. Upon happening upon the door to his chambers, I bravely knocked, fearing for my companion. When the rogue responded, I offered him some of the sweets my companion had brought. He opened the door a sliver, and I found myself staring at his weapon. My companion wisely retreated, I gave him some sustenance as a bribe, and we fled, in the hopes of trying another day.

Fare-thee-well dear reader,

"Scared, Potter?"

[19:45 PM] Ser Marlo goes a-questing once more, nobly confiscates life from chtwi (Momcilo Topalovic)
Ser Marlo reports:

I have been elevated! I am now a knight of lord Farquaard. To celebrate, another kill was in order! But not just one, but we had two planned tonight! Slowly we are increasing our numbers. At 3:20pm, an attempt was made on chtwi, but we were too slow! He opened his door, but he saw us and closed it straight in our faces! I was a shamed! Infront of my leader as well! 7 minutes later He, Lord Farquaard, made his kill, just to show me how its done, but i was still yet to kill.

However, we are the Farquaadian knights, we never give up! At 7:45pm we made our way back to his chambers, and just in time! We got him just as he was leaving for supper! Another shot to the heart, but he didn't even attempt to run. One more kill for the Farquaadian knights.

[20:31 PM] A late-night showdown between Ser Marlo and Sir Tim the Forgetful-of-the-Necessity-of-the-Providing-of-the-Pseudonym (Neal Patel) results in one late knight
Ser Marlo reports:

One kill done tonight, but the hunt is not over! I have been promoted, so I must show my worth! After my first kill of the night, we journeyed through the night to a land far far away. We infiltrated the layer of Sir Tim the Forgetful-of-the-Necessity-of-the-Providing-of-the-Pseudonym. We knocked thrice on his door, and to our surprise, he opened up! One unexpected shot to the stomach, and he was dead. Theres no time left for fooling around. We must make as many kills as possible. The little lord was proud of my work, now I've racked up more kills than him! I may even take over his roll... who knows? Only time can tell. [Dissension in the ranks already? Oh, this will be entertaining... -J] But what we do know, there's one less fair tale creature walking these streets.

[20:32 PM] Lord Farquaard's journey is all for naught
Lord Farquaard reports:

Gods' curses. All this riding, all for nothing! The name does not lie. The kingdom of Far far away is very far away indeed. I hunted for demon 16, to rid the world of another creature. But alas, in the time we waited for him, he did not return to his lair. Be warned, creature, I will be back on the morrow. Run run run as fast as you can...

Lord Farquaad

[22:28 PM] M carries out orders; Trivial Group (Jack Harrison) is removed from the path
M reports:

My dearest M,

I was most delighted to read the note from you last night. Be assured that it is for those exact virtues which you appealed to that I implored your service. I am, my dear, devastated though, that you, too, should hold such a dim view of me. Ruthlessness I will take gladly as a compliment; however I do unfeignedly hope that, given time, you would eventually discover that I am by no means evil, and not completely without mercy.

Meanwhile, interesting stories have found their way to me. Such an exciting time me live in, no? This morning, for example, rumor has it that one of the High King's praetorian knights was found dead mysteriously in his barracks outside His Majesty's castle. He appeared perfectly healthy, with no sign of struggle, no wounds on his body save a few drops of wine on his shirt. How terrifying! Yet I couldn't help but wonder, my dear M, that could this unfortunate knight happen to bear the name of Trivial Group, and his demise be perhaps your handiwork? Either way, I'm afraid it is not time for your all but well-deserved rest yet. New mission awaits, and my faith in your competence has never wavered a second.

Yours lovingly,


p.s. Poison seems hardly a paladin's choice of weapon, though. Do entertain me with the details of your remarkable feat.


Dear Master,

Allow me to express my gratitude for the luxury of lodging and multitude of weaponry you provided me with. While I deem my doings last night as more of an abhorrence than a feat, I shall present you with a detailed account of the incident per you request.

Thousands come to the High King's Castle for an audience each day. Few are aware of the barracks below, a humble gate in the wall, opening towards a busy street. To ordinary eyes, the weathered white iris carving on the gate is but a plain piece of decoration; but any paladin, even a disgraced one like me, could tell with a glance the insignia of Praetorian Knights.

I stood there, dressed as a curious countryman (merely two days into your service and I have resorted to deception twice - you really are a proficient Master), studying the door. It is made of oak wood and case iron, no visible key hole or doorknob, and seems to open inwards. It was the busiest hour of the evening, so most guards must be either on duty or resting. Not yet time for rotation. How do I get in?

My old tutor's teaching (may the Goddess of Emerald Flame rest his soul and pray he forgive my defilement to invoke him) came to mind. "How do you approach that unapproachable?" I asked. "You become one, " He said in a strangely quiet tone, "but only as a last resort. "

By the ninth hour I was freezing and tired. Shops closed, streets have grown quite, and the night shift was about to start. I have procured an outfit pass for an apprentice, and when the gate finally opened I slipped inside.

How ironic, that a dishonored Paladin would step into the altar of a Paladin's highest honor in such a manner! My conscience screamed "wrong" as I found myself trapped between the outer gate and the inner gate. "Quiet," I told it, "you no longer serve Goodness any more. Tell me when you find me lacking in fulfilling orders. " It wouldn't listen to the first half of my sentence, but did a very good job observing the second half.

A Paladin approached me, holding a giant halberd. "You look lost. " He said. My blood froze. "I can totally relate. I was always getting lost on my first couple of months. Such a big place with all the rules, right? " Shouldering his halberd, he made a few gestures and the door opened. Of course. Spellbound. I followed him in while apologizing silently for misleading him, but before I could say a word, a female Paladin strode our way and me blood froze again. I knew her.

The compassionate Paladin went hastily: "Madam, I found this young apprentice lost outside the inner gate. Would you please find out who his master is and send him on the right way perhaps?" "Sure. I'll take it from here. Come this way. Good night, Aniber. " She led me into her chamber.

I deserved this, I thought. A Paladin could never lie to another Paladin, and even as I conjure up excuses in my mind I could already feel the burn - although the binding effect itself was gone, it had left a rope mark where it used to be, leaving the mind tender against lies. Well, might as well die in the hands of Paladins than anyone else...

"So, apprentice... are you from our platoon?" she eyed me with curiosity and suspicion.

"No. " I'm not from any platoon, I thought.

"So what are you doing around here?"

"Well... my Master told me to come here. "

This statement cannot be truer. Every apprentice has a Paladin Master. Apparently, every slave does, too.

"Right. What's the name of your Master?" She asked.

Well, you've got me there, didn't you?

"Honestly I didn't know. " Honestly I didn't know. (Care to let me in on this, Master?)

"Ok...? Let's see. " To my horror she pulled out a roster of every current Praetorian Knight in her platoon and started checking.

"What do you call them then? Do you at least know their initials?"

"K. " Or at least you claimed so.

She pointed out every K in the roster to obviously no avail. I really needed to get out of there before she called anyone. Or before she recognized me.

"Wait... I remember you. " Damn.

"We served together in Cithus, right? Sorry I forgot your name. I remember you later went to serve, who, Lord Archibald? You'd have made Head of Order there by now! How come you decide to start over from bottom now?" Clearly bad news didn't travel as fast as I imagined. She hadn't heard of my recent crime, or she had but didn't know it was me. I couldn't believe my luck, at the same time I felt tremendously sorry for implicating her in my horrible deed.

"Well it's a long story. I'm really sorry for all the trouble, but do you know where can I find a Trivial Group? My Master told me to find him here. " They never taught Paladins to circle around the truth without actually lying, but now I realized it came so naturally, like pouring oil over water.

"Ah, why didn't you say so earlier? He's just next door. " She seemed so relieved. To her, I was still the young Paladin that fought side by side with her in the battle of Cithilia, one of her kind, one that she could trust and entrust her life with.

I wish I still were.

I understood why you would want Trivial Group out of the way the moment he answered the door. He was clearly expecting me. The door opened a narrow angle, he emerged, doubtful and cautious. I could make out a discrete layer of armor under his shirt, his right hand on the hilt of his sword.

I gathered up all the innocence of a hothead Paladin apprentice, bowed once, and claimed: "Sir Trivial Group? My Master has demanded that I am to meet you here. "

"I am not aware of such arrangements. " Came his cold and suspicious reply.

"But, Sir, my Master Kris has indeed said..."

"I do not believe that I know of a Kris person. "

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir, if you could just bear with me for a moment while I get out the parchment..." His paranoid attitude actually made me feel better. At least I knew that I was not taking advantage of an unsuspecting Paladin who was gonna let me in just out of goodness of his heart.

I glanced at him as I fished through my pouch. His grip on the sword tightened. Not the moment to strike yet.

"This is meant for you, Sir. " I passed the parchment roll through the tiny opening with both hands, as a proper apprentice would.

I was almost sure he would strike me the next moment when his frown thickened on the sight of that curly signature of K. The tension in the air was so tense that I knew I could not wait any longer.

"Sir, aren't you supposed to sign that or something?"

"No. You must have been mistaken. "

"In which case I'm terribly sorry for bothering you. " I replied.

His muscle visibly relaxed as I said this. He began to tie up the parchment roll back and handing it to me.

His hands off the hilt of his sword.

Which was all I needed.

The potion you provided me with was indeed potent. It all took a few drops smeared to his chest to render the man beyond any aid. A weapon a Paladin would never, ever use. Yet what weapon were I supposed to use to murder a Paladin in a barrack full of Paladins? Master, tell me, did you not deliberately engineer this scenario for the purpose of watching me break every Paladin doctrine ever known? In which case, I supposed I should hope my torment has entertained you well.

In the faintest hope that my petition be heeded, may I humbly pray that your future commands demand less of betrayal and deception from me? It is not something that I am particularly skilled at, and as you said yourself, you certainly did not buy me for being corrupted enough for your purposes.

Yours dutifully,


Friday, 19 October

[10:26 AM] The mutinous Ser Marlo takes out Nedward Ciderhands (Edmund (Ned) Carro)
Ser Marlo reports:

Another day, another kill. I am racking theese up! For my first solo adventure, i have slain Nedward Ciderhands. He opened his door and let me right in! Stabbed him in the stomach, but it was probably the shock that killed him. I'm becoming my own man, maybe the republic of Duloc needs a new leader? Maybe the time of Lord Farquaard is over? The plans have been set in motion...

[Oh, this really is too good. Are you reading these, Farquaard? -J]

[12:50 PM] Lucy the Platypus proceeds with caution
Lucy the Platypus reports:

After falling on some stairs (by ignoring a slippery surface sign) and dying from embarrassment, there was one way I thought I could cheer myself. By making my first kill. I was so excited on Sunday, the excitement died down. But today I finally had to courage to venture to [PLACE OF RESIDENCE REDACTED]. I slowly climbed the steps, paranoid about an ambush, but how could he know I was coming. I knocked, no answer. I looked in the kitchen, no one. I grew impatient. Maybe this would be harder than I thought. I just assumed it would be easy. I imagined it to be really easy. Nobody could be as paranoid as me. Then I left.

[13:00 PM] Schrodinger's Cat snuffs out the Peternal Flame (Piotr Kram)
Schrodinger's Cat reports:

After several trips to the victim's room and much loitering around the entrance to his college, Peternal Flame was finally located and fell to the deadly ruler as he was unlocking his bike after lectures today.

[15:15 PM] Opera makes a dramatic strike on ChicKen (Ken (Kwok Yin) Man)
Opera reports:

Today at approximately 3:15 pm I entered [PLACE OF RESIDENCE REDACTED] throw an open window, after explaining nicely to the people inside that I needed to assassinate someone. After requesting the use of my NERF gun for one round, they then permitted me to enter. I then found ChicKen's room, which was then unlocked and proceeded to enter, as he was absent I simply waited for him to return.
What followed was an extremely boring hour in which I took the liberty of hiding in a corner of his room and checking my phone. When he at last returned to his room, I surprised and sadly killed him with one fatal NERF gun shot to the chest.

He will be sadly missed.

[17:15 PM] JV runs away from The Legs
The Legs reports:

A tried to kill JV today. I missed twice and now he is aware of who I am, mistakes were made and he fled the scene, I'll be on the look out for him in the days to come. Long live Lord Farquuad!

[19:45 PM] Solvognen-hunter (Michael (Mike) Collingwood) becomes the hunted, as Ser Marlo ups his kill count
Ser Marlo reports:

A second night of two kills! The sweet taste of blood still lingers in my mouth, and it feels glorious! The Legs and I both have a similar amount of kills, so, for a friendly challenge, we had a wager to see if we could make our next kills whilst the other was present. My kill compared to The Legs.... not as smooth. We ventured to the location of our target, and he opened the door wide open for us. But disaster struck! My crossbow jammed! He, Solvognen-hunter, had time to run away! He ran up the stairs towards his chambers, but alas, my trusty sidearm kicked back into action. On shot in the back and he was no more. Lord Farquaard's men are doing well. But what is the lord himself doing?! Where are his kills? He calls himself our leader, yet he is trailing behind. Something must be done. And The Legs and myself have something to say to him. [Oh, do go on then. Don't let a little thing like a public forum stop you. Have out with your little quarrel. -J]

[20:00 PM] The Legs aren't remotely competitive, no. Just ask Bed&Breakfast (Oliver O'Brien)
The Legs reports:

Night myself and another Farquaadian knight, Marlo, went on an excursion to claim some kills, it was pretty cool. He made a slightly shaky but ultimately successful attempt, you'll hear from him about that.

After today's earlier failure I was sure not to bodge this one up, so when I rolled up at Bed&Breakfast's room I attacked with my gun and paper sword to ensure I was successful. And in fact I was successful!

This puts me on 5 kills and Marlo on 6, but it's still possible for me to catch up and become the leading assassin in the Bean Gang! And at the end of the days it's not the winning, it's the not losing that counts!

Have good evening fellow assassins, you never know which maybe your last!

[22:50 PM] M and Smaug come to blows in a no-go zone
Smaug reports:

Smaug flew down from the hills to investigate a treasure trap. The treasure was a source of great enjoyment, but as the moon dipped towards the horizon he knew it was nearly time to leave. As he prepared to take home his hoard of treasure, M appeared and tried to stab him. The weapon glanced harmlessly of a glowing Oob [Orb? -Ed] [That's not one of my comments, I might add. -J] that Smaug was carrying, but Smaug felt the insult nonetheless and was enraged.

[23:00 PM] Merlin heartlessly betrays his own daughter, Tor (Victoria (Tor) Catherall)
Merlin reports:

In a land of myth and a time of magic, I stumbled across Tor, my daughter, in the winding depths of the maze. Tears filling my eyes, I spoke the words, illuminating my eyes with the golden flicker of magic, and a blade materialised in my hand. I stumbled forth, I knew what I had to do, but it crushed my heart to do it. I plunged the blade into her heart, I shall never feel such pain, even when my own death comes it will be poultry in comparison.

I held my child in my arms as her life bled away, sobbing, explaining that I had no choice, pleading for her forgiveness. Her final breath came, I was left in silence, broken only by my occasional whimper.

I have sacrificed my child to the maze, the prize had better be worth it.

[What's a child to you, after all? You gave her life; why shouldn't you take it? Come, now, Merlin. This is what you wished for. And who knows? Perhaps I shall keep her as a changeling of my own in the Goblin City. -J]

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