Cloak & Dagger The Assassins' Guild - Week 5 News

Saturday, 10 November

[14:00 PM] You Tolkein to me? tries to pay a few visits
You Tolkein to me? reports:

Havin spent a few days doin a 'onest mans work, I decided that, to avoid the label of an incompetent fellow myself, I'd pay young Bambi another call. Now I heard from my friends in high places that he was, in fact, livin in his original apartment, but that he employed the lil old lady ah encoitered as a decoy. So ah made my way to his abode, and to my everlastin joy I found his door wiiide open. Well, I picked myself a comfy chair, rested my dirty harry special .44 on the arm, and waited. And waited... goddam its annoyin when u pay a social call to an absentee inco ain't it. Followin this dissapointment I thought I'd console myself by goin to see my ole pal Arthur Zachary Helious. Ah tell you, that boy needs to git hiself a new room, cause after lettin maself into the neighbourin apartment I simply could not find a way of getin to his front door. Now hows that gonna contribute to a neighbourly henvironment I ask yew? Anyways, all this Tolkein of past dissapointments is gettin me down. Catch ya in the alley maze.

[16:00 PM] Alder Skrilth has precious little to say, but decides to say it anyway
Alder Skrilth reports:

"Always wanted to kick the devil in the teeth."

-Alder Skrilth, about 3 weeks ago.


Lucifer's dead, eh?

That's... that's a shame. Seriously, after the length of time I spent trying to be in the same place as him, the least he could have done was to return home at a reasonable time and not be out at... well, unreasonable times.

I mean, without a functioning amplifier, it might have even been a fair fight... it might have been a challenge.

Lord Farquaard, you and me need to talk some time. I 'wanted' that one. Now you're my best chance at doing something about my boredom and... and I've been asked to leave you alone.

And that's to say nothing of 'you', self-proclaimed goblin king.

I mean, seriously... I figured this maze of yers would be a bit of fun... you know, something to put maybe 10% of my concentration towards when I'm not, you know, thwarting the plans of creatures capable of swallowing the world whole (worth noting, thwarting their plans is not the same as defeating them... I ain't gonna pretend I can take one of those things in a fair fight... mostly, it involves stopping followers of theirs from waking them up or closing a rift that they are currently clawing their way through... you know, patching up holes before the dam bursts, like killing Lucifer's host before they could be at full power... not that I got to actually do that, 'Lord Farquaard').

But you weren't happy with that, were you?

No, there I was, mid-way through slipping a knockout drug into a cult's communal... wine? Yeah, let's pretend that was just wine. Then, before I really knew what happening, I turn around and right behind me, there's the laby- maze... there is the maze. Turn around again and the cult's gone.

Alright, alright, I get it... before, you had my curiosity... now you demand my attention.

I found myself before a body, eyes wide in panic, blood slowly pooling around them.

I've... I've seen enough of his sort of thing by now to not be too fazed by it. See, here's the thing... we advenurers see death every other day.

Think I recognised the guy... Hutmann, the Prematurely Obliterated of the Western Marshlands or somethin. Never worked with him, but I've seen him in action before... got... well, had a smooth way of doin things that always made me jealous... best I ever do is look like I'm stumblin inteh the right place at just the right moment by luck.

When it comes to life and death though, in the end, it's not how you looked in the fight that matters, it's whether or not you won.

He clearly hadn't.

I closed the guy's eyes with a long sigh.

Might be used to death... just like a person can get used to being punched in the gut repeatedly... or, you know, used to torture (3 weeks in the custody of Satan's tormentors and 2 weeks being eaten alive by void spiders will do that one to yeh... trust me, I know)... doesn't mean I like it.

Alright, Gobbo... yeh want my attention? You've got 20% of it. I guess I'm playing now.


"Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City and... well, beyond this pile of pain that I call a life... to settle the score, bring the powerful low and to quench my boredom. For my will is weak as a twig, and my kingdom no longer exists... But you still have no power over me, Kingy."

-Alder Skrilth... about 2 minutes ago.

[You really think saying that has any effect at all? How little you know of the power of words and ritual. Watch your step, boy. You are well within my power. Don't forget it again. -J]

[17:00 PM] A PSA from Garfield the Deals Warlock, if you will
Garfield the Deals Warlock reports:

Dear Reader,

Diary and I have been getting a little worried that others are reading him. A cruel trick of Jareth's, no doubt. These are becoming lonely and dangerous times in the Labyrinth. If you feel like snagging a bargain, I've been itching to make a deal.

Feel free to get in touch at

Sunday, 11 November

[10:57 AM] Lord Farquaard sees to it that Lucifer (Luc Liedtke) falls, from grace and from life
Lucifer reports:

And so it was done. Lord Farquaard, protector of the Kingdom of Far, Far Away, had finally banished the evil lurking within the twisted labyrinth of the Goblin King Jareth's creation. Sinking his dagger into the devil's skull, he performed an incantation to banish Lucifer's soul to the Nether realm, condemning him to whence he came. The devil's cries of anguish echoed through the trees as Lord Farquaard wiped the blood from his weapon and turned to the next target, leaving behind the withering corpse of Lucifer's host and his soul-stealing mace.

Pride had been Lucifer's weapon and disease. It had consumed him as he watched the others slowly fall, thinking he was shielded from potential threats. Yet pride is a fickle thing and switches masters frequently and unreliably. It was this that had led to Lucifer's downfall but the story does not end there. Pride as a cardinal sin is eternal and will surely find a new soul to plague. Will Lord Farquaard be consumed by the very thing he hoped to banish? Time will only tell.

Lord Farquaard reports:

Devils. Defined as the manifestation of evil and destruction. And Lucifer was the most evil of them all. The fallen one was cast from heaven upon his hubris. Lucifer was once called the Morning Star. But he challenged God for he desired to be something more than an angel. This desire and ambition caused his fall... they said he fell in a wreath of flames to the deepest circle of hell.

And today, I send him there again. I had heard Lucifer took human form. Possessing a young man as his avatar. But despite being possessed, human bodies still had human needs. From an anomynous tip, Lucifer was spotted going to an event regularly. It was hunting training. Maybe he thought his human body needed to be stronger and faster. Today I wore my silver cross and rode to the place of this training and lurked in the room. Lucifer was distracted. He clearly did not know my face and did not detect me via whatever sixth sense devils had. The event was ending but I knew I had to wait. Somehow there was an aura of protection about him as he left the event. I waited for the magic to fade and it was just my luck that he stopped beside a well to drouse his thirst and tame his hunger with snacks. I watched as the aura faded and drew my new dagger made from silver and rowan and blessed by a bishop. I ran up behind the poor human avatar and stabbed him in the skull. With an piercing scream and vision of flames, Lucifer emerged from the body. He tried to claw at me but the holy water was already doing its work. Lucifer was dragged back to hell. The body of the human laid on the cold stone, dead.

Hubris always leads to the fall. As Lucifer found out for the second time. Take note, Marlo.

- Lord Farquaard

[13:08 PM] Axl N' Rose snoops around

[14:35 PM] Lyra Viria goes for a stroll
Lyra Viria reports:

My desperation for a kill continues. Tried (and failed) to murder two people this afternoon. All I got out of it was a slightly pleasant walk and really cold hands.

[15:00 PM] Nevar and Merlin have a dramatic standoff
Nevar reports:

Whoever said locks are for mortals was clearly mistaken. Having traveled to one edge of the Labyrinth, my attempts were confounded by a locked door. I could hear people inside, so I knocked on the door hoping Merlin's guard would be down, but he was wary and started interrogating me on why I was there. My attempts to play this off were subpar and immediately figured out I was there to kill him, especially after I let my Staff of Power show. But though I failed to kill him, he knows that I'm coming. He knows to fear me.

Merlin reports:

In a land of myth and a time of magic, I heard a young fellow knock at my door. I cast a spell to make the door invisible to me, after which it became clear that the knocker was not here on friendly business, for his staff was very clearly visible, in spite of his efforts to conceal it behind his back. I informed him I would not let down the numerous protective wards on my abode and that he would have to go about his business. I would normally have burst through the door and gone to battle, however, I was in the middle of a very complex disguise spell.

[16:35 PM] Ravenclaw the Purifier is much too late for Kevlun (Benedict (Ben) Skinner Cassidy)
Ravenclaw the Purifier reports:

Dear Parents and Guardians,

I feel it necessary to send this message by owl-mail to every parent in the school due to recent developments in the Wizarding World - which could unfortunately affect any or even every student. There has at some unknown point in the last few months been a Conjunction between magical realms, causing a great many existences entirely alien to our own to appear suddenly in Europe. I feel confident in this theory after having investigating into an increasing number of suspicious cases in Hogwarts and reports from further afield, many with tragic consequences.

You may have heard rumours in various circles of the infiltration of a new threat, the goblins that have long remained on the continent. They have indeed grown bold with new-found reserves of gold and have attempted to infiltrate our homes, seemingly starting with Hogwarts itself. Another student was found under Goblin influence today, and though it pains me to say it, when I knocked on his door on the grounds of a particularly powerful infatuation magic felt by a female pupil, I saw immediately that he was long-gone. It is perhaps important to recognise the symptoms in your child or others you know in these dark times, so please look out for:

  • Hyper-dilated pupils, looking almost a bottomless inky black
  • A shuddering, unnatural gait
  • Evidence of destructive behaviour or an internal mental struggle
  • A new and unexplained item of jewellery, particularly rings and amulets
  • The child was unfortunately in such advanced stages of goblin's possession that he was already dead; indeed, something I cannot yet ascertain had happened hours before. His parents have been informed, but his name will remain undisclosed for their privacy.

    It is vital that we combat the spread of this dark magic, and remain vigilant to any suspicious activity. I would like to reassure you that every effort is being made as a write these to secure our fledgling institution, and I have personally given up teaching Conjurations temporarily to investigate and purify the school. My normal duties will be managed by Professor Fitzwilliam for the next few weeks. If you have any concerns, please do send an owl, and I will do my best to answer them post-haste.

    Kind regards, and my best wishes,

    Professor R Ravenclaw

    Co-founder of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

    [21:00 PM] Arthur Dent slays Finn mac Cool (Jacob Smith)
    Arthur Dent reports:

    I killed Finn mac Cool in [COLLEGE REDACTED] with a knife.

    Finn mac Cool reports:

    I was killed by Arthur Dent, who stabbed me in the back like a coward.

    Monday, 12 November

    [08:50 AM] Lucy the Platypus (Sonali (Preeti) Kate) is struck down by Barry Bluejeans
    Barry Bluejeans reports:

    Was having breakfast in a nice safe building when Lucy the Platypus introduced herself to me. We had a good chat and then left the building together, allowing me to stab her.

    Nowhere in this labyrinth is truly safe, and nobody is to be trusted.

    Haruto Amo reports:

    Alder Skrilth, whatever you did has worked. It was more difficult to get going today, sure, but I managed it. That means there's hope for the others.

    I made my way to try and take out Lucy the Platypus, who had been so kind as to give her location. I was surprised no-one had killed her already. She turned up on cue, and I killed her. But it turned out she had been killed barely 10 minutes ago.

    This was an important lesson in communication, as Barry Bluejeans had tried to reach me to tell me that he had been the one to kill Lucy the Platypus. However, it seems his message got lost, he must have used some sort of confused carrier pidgeon or magic guided letter. I found it eventually, but it was far too late by then of course.

    Oh well, congrats on the kill Barry Bluejeans!

    [09:15 AM] ExoticAngel (Siddharth Chandrappa) falls at last, as The Shadow Broker springs the trap
    The Shadow Broker reports:

    I had a challenge this morning, trying to find a target with less than complete information. I had a pretty good Idea what he studied, and with a bit of time on my hands this morning, decided there was no harm in arriving early.

    This proved to be for the best. He left *very* early. The building was very nicely laid out so I walked ahead of him until we reached the foyer of the building, where I turned round, gun drawn, and fired. He just about dodged, but I pursued and shot him again. This time he was far too close to escape.

    Patient Man reports:

    With Prudence Lad out of action, I called in somebody else to assist me in my hour of need. Contemplation Girl was at hand.

    Another victory for the Patient Man!

    [09:45 AM] A clumsy magician in training gets lost
    A clumsy magician in training reports:

    Well today didn't go to plan, again.

    Went strolling to the main site of a college said to house two prime kills only to find that they didn't even live there. I trudged round to find their residence, and completely forgot where I was going.

    Stopped on the way to see if someone might come out of another gate nearby, just my luck he didn't.

    Eventually found the place I'd been looking for all along. It's pretty secure, too many exits, and no sign of life. Just my luck :/

    [10:55 AM] It's best to keep an eye out for the Wall Shadow
    Wall Shadow reports:

    The magic is seeping into the walls.

    The walls are alive, and they're hungry. Soon, people will just start to "go missing" in the Labyrinth...

    [12:15 PM] Emma Milstein scours the kingdom
    Emma Milstein reports:

    I was helping myself to some freshly made brownies, when a telegram arrived to me from Lord Farquaard. He informed me that he had seen someone who looked like she could be Anne Oldman entering his kingdom. Sadly, he had been too preoccupied with urgent lordly paperwork to investigate, and so he asked if I might instead.

    I was quite happy to accept his invitation, and quickly packed my bag and made my way there. It had been a while since I'd seen the enchanting castle where his kingdom was centred. I made my way there but quickly found all the social spaces - a charming tavern, sophisticated eatery, and ancient meal hall - devoid of anyone who matched her. I even went and checked to make sure she wasn't hunting Lord Farquaard and Marlo, but I guess unsurprisingly she wasn't.

    [17:00 PM] You Tolkein to me? has some stern words for the absent [REDACTED]
    You Tolkein to me? reports:

    Hey [REDACTED]. We needa talk. Bout some business. Or rather ... you're lack of busyness - if you know what I mean. I have some very sharp feedback on your recent apathetic attiude. Ya gotta make more than a Tolkein effort to stay alive in this game.

    [18:10 PM] [REDACTED] (Ben Shute) is removed from the story
    M reports:


    May I respectfully beg that you explain the joke.


    Along with M's note was the dossier K sent him earlier that day, ink and parchment still fresh, in neat and careful handwriting:

    Name: [REDACTED]

    Location: [REDACTED]

    Known aliases: [REDACTED]

    Known contacts: K

    At least he had progressed from self-resentment to indifferent anger. K studied M's brief note with a smile. His frivolous formality of self-demeaning had turned to a succinct and sarcastic disdain of his Master, which K found a lot more comfortable to read. Nevertheless, he was expecting this response.

    Dear M,

    I apologize. My study. Now. Please.

    Yours sincerely,



    M followed the servant K sent to deliver the message through the maze of the castle before they stopped in front of a humble wooden door. The servant opened the door then silently left, leaving M for his solo ascension on whirling stairs to the tower.

    This would be the first time that M met K in person since that fateful day. Even on that day he'd only caught a glance of his buyer in distance, and he was not sure that was K himself either.

    Rumors had a thousand way with the true identity of K. Some said he did not exist. Some said K existed, but was, in fact, a woman. Some insisted that he was just a man, only too ugly to reveal himself to the public. Wilder speculations included that K was Lucifer's child, or, as a matter of fact, Lucifer himself.

    Well, M knew the last one could not be right, for Lucifer had fallen yet his Master remained. Truth was, he really couldn't care less. It was the deeds rather than the form that made a man. K was horrible, and he never should have doubted that.

    M knocked on the final door and it opened automatically.

    He stepped in and found himself at the far end of a rectangular room. How that could fit in a tower he could not fathom. At the other end of the room stood a figure behind a desk.

    M lowered his head and knelt. "Master, you requested me?"

    "There you are, my friend. Sorry for the confusion. Do come over and take a seat. " The voice was cheerful and lively. M reluctantly obeyed, still determined not to look up. What was it that his Master had come up with to taunt him this time?

    "He put his name under a spell. " The voice said, matter-of-factly. " His residence, his aliases... he put a spell on his identity so that no one could pass on that information unless he himself willingly gives. "

    M realized belatedly that this was about the dossier he received earlier. So that was why. The information was redacted by the spell. Cut to the chase, then? He waited.

    "As you have seen, any effort to document him would be shrouded by the spell. It also renders me unable to simply say his name or address out loud.

    "All I could tell you is that he has crossed the Goblin King very recently. However, Goblins do tend to hold grudges very easily...

    "Ever hunted without a target? Should be fun. Happy hunting. "

    M took that as the sign to leave. He stood up, knelt again, and left the chamber without looking up at the figure that was supposed to be his Master.

    The figure studied the man with full interest, and smiled in the shadow.


    The spell of redaction belonged to what wizards call reality spells. They effectively prevented certain conceptual outcomes from becoming a reality, which requires manipulation of the whole reality. There were only so many wizards who can cast such spells, and the spell of redaction was one that required exquisite skill and superior power. How do you counter the spell of redaction? By reduction.

    Mingling with folks from several major lands of magic, it didn't take long for the rumor of the fall out between the Goblin King and a great wizard without a name in the land of [LOCATION REDACTED] to make its way to M.

    [LOCATION REDACTED] was a land fertile with magic. M was here once, for a much more harmless purpose. He knew where to NOT find magic in the land, and by trial-and-error his exploration of possible directions soon led him to a cave, where as he walked through the long tunnel, torches lighted themselves up along the gem-glittered wall and faded silently behind him. At the end of the tunnel, M found a strange garden.

    The wizard's abode was not difficult to locate at all. In fact, many habitants here seemed to carve their names in rune on their door, and though M didn't know [REDACTED]'s name yet, he knew exactly how to find out. It was, as he tried to pronounce each of them, indeed [REDACTED]. A coat of arm was hanging above the doorway, read [REDACTED].

    The light of an oil lamp was coming from the window, and sure enough the wizard was sitting in front of his desk, studying a grimoire.

    M suddenly felt very exposed.

    He had never dreamt of dealing with a wizard in combat, let alone assassination. What if - of course they would have some kinds of perimeter protection spells, or sight through the wall to detect danger? What if he saw through his intention before M set foot in the tunnel and was just waiting to strike the moment he came to his door? What if he would not open up?

    M decided to wait, to try and calm his nerves. Odd. This had never happened before. He felt duty and glory when he went to battles as a Paladin. He felt obligation and guilt when he carried out his Master's awful biddings. But nervous and paranoia? They had never entered his emotion. Was this... survival instinct? Did he suddenly care about his own personal survival?

    M turned his attention back to the door. How do you trick a wizard to open his door? Tricking wizards. Ha. Good luck.

    "Just knock. " A voice, curiously sounding like a goblin, said in his head.

    "That won't work. "

    "Try it. "

    "That really won't work. "

    10 minutes later.

    "What do I do?"


    "That won't work. "

    Really, how do you trick a wizard to open his door?

    "Kittens. "The girl with paprika earrings said, casually.

    M was slightly baffled. Who was she? Where did she pop up from? Why kittens? And most importantly, how did she know...?

    "Kittens. My neighbors have the most lovely of kittens and occasionally they just knock on doors and ask whether people want to meet their new born kittens. I always open up to them. "

    Gods. That's genius. She should be an assassin, not me.

    "No thanks. " The girl vanished.

    M rubbed his eyes really hard.

    Probably not kittens this time.

    A full hour had passed and M was annoyed with himself. Since when did he coward away from danger? He forced himself to the door and as he looked up at the coat of arms he conjured up an excuse.

    "Hello? Master Wizard?"

    Silence. Not even the sound of turning of book pages.

    "I just want to let you know there's a piece of wood thing on the ground? I think it might have fallen from your door...?"

    Silence. With the sound of people moving about in the room.

    "Yeah might be. " Faint voice from within.

    "Should I leave it there or shall I try to fix it for you?"

    "If you could, that'd be fine."

    The wizard seemed quite reluctant to come to the door. Did he spot his intent already? On the good side, he wasn't being struck by magical lightning, yet.

    The coat of arms was still resting squarely at the top of the doorway, and M was not a carpenter. He felt quite bad for damaging the wizard's property as he scraped across the wood, faking an attempt to "fix" it, especially considering his plan for the wizard himself. He decided to apologize.

    "I was really not doing a good job with it..."

    The wizard must have been terrified by the ominous noise M's pocket knife was making on his precious coat of arms. M heard someone hastily made to the door, grumbling as he opened up.

    [REDACTED] was a [SPECIES REDACTED] of normal build, scholarly and untrained in battle, slightly confused, and was apparently quite uneasy with social interactions with common folks.

    However, M was very glad that he had concealed his weapon carefully, because the wizard was holding a fully charged staff, its tip surging with energy enough to petrify a small army of goblins.

    Apparently relieved to see that M was not a Goblin, [REDACTED] eyed his safely attached coat of arms doubtfully.

    M drew his sword.

    It stuck in the sheath.

    The wizard's eyes widened in realization.

    M's mind froze.

    It was in those moments that experience in battle field counted. The wizard, recognizing a foe, instinctively took a step back and hid himself behind the door, discharging his staff violently but aimlessly into the very air in front of him. The assassin, however, finally managed to draw his sword, swung forward and then struck backhanded into the space behind the door. He felt the staff against his limb, but it was harmless. The source of magic holding it was no more.

    The great wizard, [REDACTED], was dead, and on his grave his name shall remain redacted.

    With quivering hands, M sheathed his sword. It was its first kill, and he shall name it Sting.

    For the first time, M felt relieved after a murder.

    Tuesday, 13 November

    [11:50 AM] Arthur Pendragon is determined to hold back the tide of shadows
    Arthur Pendragon reports:

    My scouts gave me some more times to venture to the village frequented by another cursed with dark magic. I arrived and patrolled the area, becoming more familiar with it and knowing where it was I needed to be.

    I waited outside one building in the hope that she would appear, and she sadly was not among the very few people who had been in attendance.

    I rode back to my castle and returned an hour later. I now knew that this room could be accessed from multiple locations, and so waited with a view of both entrances, my hand on my sword ready to strike her down. But yet again she did not appear.

    I wonder if she really does frequent this place. While it would be nice for this village to be safe, her hometown is a much longer journey, and arguably somewhere even less prepared for an attack by goblins, so perhaps this would be an even worse scenario. I will surely return again and hopefully be met with success next time.

    [18:30 PM] Alder Skrilth messily eliminates Maynord Manera (Austin Reed) and Elfie Stanley (Ciara Watkins)
    Alder Skrilth reports:

    "Now here you go again, you say
    You want your freedom
    Well who am I to keep you down
    It's only right that you should
    Play the way you feel it
    But listen carefully to the sound
    Of your loneliness
    Like a heartbeat drives you mad
    In the stillness of remembering what you had
    And what you lost, and what you had, and what you lost"


    Haruto Amo... there's this ritual you can run through... quite a simple one to be honest. With your skills, I'm sure you'll find it in no time. Of course, the issue I have with those things is how damn chaotic my magical signature is. You know... the whole reason I need an amplifier? I can't channel magic through myself properly without one... it just gets too disrupted as it goes through me, coming out with some chaotic mess of everything, but not quite enough of anything to really be useful.

    I had to get a bit creative, see? With Lucifer recently dead, there's a hell of a lot (oh, wait, I see what I did there... moving on before somebody hits me across the back of the head) of abyssal energy floating around... you know, with THE DEVIL HIMSELF recently having kicked the bucket. So, I went and channelled that as best I could, making runes of Hutmann, the Prematurely Obliterated of the Western Marshlands's blood to help stabilise what I could... look, long story short, I don't need protection from the effects of the maze... been sleepless for years now... but if you and the others do, then I'll gladly sacrifice protection from Jareth to spread out that protection around.

    Turns out if you're basically a walking magic scattering array, you can do a decent job of making a high power ritual spread out a low power effect to a hell of a lot of people... assuming you can get the thing to work at all.

    Well, Jareth seems to think that what I did was to protect me... and seems to think that it didn't work, so I'll take that... wait, he's reading this right now, ain't he?

    Ah... heck.

    Well, [ADVERB CENSORED] [VERB CENSORED] the [ADJECTIVE CENSORED] [NOUN CENSORED] sideways without thought of what their ancestors might think of their [ADJECTIVE CENSORED] position and [VERB CENSORED] me [ADJECTIVE CENSORED] with a mages damned blob of elephant shaped goop!

    ... please don't do that, it sounds real uncomfortable like.

    [Really, your eloquence does astonish. -J]

    Well, maybe, he'll think this was a double quadruble bluff and never not nearly think to fail and neglect to stop checking on his spells less than routinely... right kingy?

    Ok, ok, I'll stop messin around for all of 10 seconds to actually give a report.

    [Yes, do hurry along and stop wasting everyone's time. Time here is growing short, after all... -J]

    So, I spent about 2 weeks trying to get my hands on a new amplifier after 'The Doctor' damaged my old one.

    2 bloody weeks.

    I mean, seriously, you can go to hell and get the grand blacksmith of Lucifer himself to forge you something in that time... I should know, that's... that's roughly what I did.

    Blah blah blah, epic quest, blah blah, fires of hell, blah blah, fighting for my life against an army of hellhounds, blah blah frilly tutu wearing chef with chicken legs of doom... actually, ignore that last part. I mean, it was by far the most dangerous, but... look, there was context, ok?

    Anyway, the old one was something a friend of mine threw together out of spare parts, some arch demon's gotta be able to do better, right?

    When I got back, I learned real quick that The Doctor was actually still alive...

    Well, the guy had been the first person in a while to actually threaten me... figured I might as well reach out to him. Seemed poetic that if I was gonna test this new thing (obsidian looking think with red glowing runes down its length that kept shifting into the form of shrieking faces... the blacksmith assured me a mountain would break before it did), then I'd do it with the guy who made me break my old one.

    "You can regenerate, right?"

    "Yes... but... why are you aski-"

    "No reason, just makin absolutely sure that... err... look, don't worry about it... I'm sure everthing will be fine."

    "You... don't exactly fill me with confidence."

    After givin him a rousing speech about how much I valued his life (see above), I had him take me to a pair of rather slow lookin folks who didn't seem like too much threat... or, at least, they'd been out of practice for at least 2 weeks... that had to count for something.

    This was a field test, not a challenge.

    Just as well, too... because when we came face to face with the first of em, the damn thing broke.

    I'm not just talking about 'that' amplifier either... see, I'd gone and gotten a few, all of which I tried in quick succession.

    I mean, I just channelled what I thought was a reasonable power through each of em and the whole damn amplifier just blows up in my hand, leaving me holding splinters. So, I drew another one and... that was when the blowback from the first amplifier going off hits me and I drop it.

    Went for a third, this one was the so called 'decent' one. And... yeah, it doesn't last long either.

    Seriously, it lets me get off one simple missile spell and then splinters apart.

    Tough as a mountain my left hand's fingernails.

    (I later found out that his claim was true, but it couldn't handle such a chaotic signal as mine).

    Anyway, with nothing in my hand but a defective stick, I used one last spell to sharpen the damn thing, then struck at em with it.

    When all else fails, stab the idiot.

    I'd planned to field test against another one of these guys too, but...

    Well, it's not like I had an amplifier now.

    Still, I'd be damned if I was gonna go home now. The Doctor slowly shook his head at me as he saw the mess that I'd made of our first operation. I made some incredibly witty comment at him (I mean, I'm me... I'm sure it was real witty, even if I don't remember what it was) and then went for the next guy.

    Without an amplifier, I was doin this the old way... trickery, wit, preparation, skill and...

    Or he could just leave his door unlocked.

    Well, that was easy. Hey, I ain't complainin... actually, I guess I am.

    Well, whatever.

    Mine, and mine alone

    -Alder Skrilth, perhaps the only person you can trust in his maze... perhaps the only one worth your suspicion. Still dreamless.


    "The Fae are a weird lot, but follow these 4 simple steps and you'll be beatin em soon enough.

    1) Play their games by their rules

    2) Play their games, but not by their rules

    3) Don't play their games at all

    4) You better know what you are doing when you make a deal with one.

    Now just do all of these at exactly the same time and yeh'll be fine."

    -How to deal with the Fae, an auditory account by Alder Skrilth.

    [19:30 PM] Merlin and Tor enjoy a cheery family outing to the home of Johnthehandyman (Yusuf Benkraouche)
    Merlin reports:

    In a land of myth and a time of magic, Tor and I rode aback a basilisk to a far away corner of the labyrinth. A kind cave gnome let us past a locked door and we wandered the winding stone corridors hoping to find the cave of one Johnthehandyman. We came across a cave bearing his markings, but alas, it was protected with an impenetrable door which nobody would answer. We began to walk away, but at this moment someone appeared from the tunnels, we hid behind a stalagmite. The mysterious figure walked straight into Johnthehandyman's cave, it was him! Alas, he was beyond our reach! No magic could bring him from his room now. After a brief moment of frustration, we jumped to action, Tor went forth and knocked loudly on the enchanted door, as it echoed around the caves, I cast a spell of invisibility on myself. Johnthehandyman opened the door and swiftly realised his mistake, he attempted to close it but it was already too late, I dispelled my invisibility and as my eyes glowed with the light of magic, 5 bolts of fire went forth into his chest. He was no more.

    Wednesday, 14 November

    [09:30 AM] Peanut Butter and Jelly look for humans
    Jelly reports:

    "I wanna meet a human!" Said Jelly.

    "What for?" Asked Peanut Butter.

    "Because humans eat us and that's our meaning in life?" Said Jelly.

    "That's a bit deep," commented Peanut Butter. "Oh fine."

    Peanut Butter took Jelly to where they could find a human, Rowena Ravenclaw.

    "So the human comes out from there?" Asked Jelly.

    "Less questions, more focus," said Peanut Butter.

    "Focus on what?" Said Jelly.

    "Waiting for human," Peanut Butter was starting to get annoyed.

    After a little while. A human walked out.

    "Ooo is that the human?" Said Jelly.

    "Maybe..." Peanut Butter said.

    Peanut Butter and Jelly hopped after the human. But it turned out that this was not the human (as far as they can tell). But it was a gingerbread man and gingerbreadmen can't eat Peanut Butter and Jelly.

    And so it was a sad day for Peanut Butter and Jelly. They will have to wait till another day to get eaten.

    Peanut Butter reports:

    Crunchy, gritty and full of nuts. None of that creamy shite. Peanut Butter was the real deal and he knew it. And yet... he didn't know why.Why he had suddenly been given sentience, why he had just now appeared in this twisted labyrinth. Why he had been given a list of three names, and instructions to-

    "Come on PB, we gotta get eaten!"

    Why his only companion was this wibbly wobbly halfwit that had no place in a sandwich, let alone a labyrinth.

    Peanut Butter sighed. Not like he could really talk. "Come with me, then." he said to Jelly. Getting eaten seemed a more enjoyable prospect than spending another second with him. The pair glooped their way over to a redacted location and waited eagerly for its inhabitant to end their lives. And waited.

    There were definitely a couple of humans, the pair thought, that could have been their ticket to freedom, but they collectively decided not to risk anything. Peanut Butter had no idea what could be worse than the hell he was currently living, but he wasn't about to find out. Eventually, the duo gave up and parted ways. Peanut Butter was glad to have some time away from Jelly's pestering, but soon realised this newfound loneliness was much worse. Was this all this vast labyrinth had to offer, how he'd spend the rest of his days? Maybe Peanut Butter and Jelly weren't such a bad combination after all.

    He still wasn't about to try putting it in a sandwich.

    [15:45 PM] Red Riding Hood is hungry again
    Red Riding Hood reports:

    The weather has been inclement recently. I was tempted into stepping out of my door without a coat nor gloves the other week. The day had been sunny and the joyous chirping of sparrows on tree branches lured me into trotting outside to look for more berries. I wasn't at all expecting for the sky to come falling down on me. At least not in such a tempestuous way. Rain poured over me and in the twenty-thirty minutes or so that I spent walking back, I managed to get entirely soaked in water. No wonder I then caught a cold and was forced to stay in bed for the next few days, sipping mulled wine to soothe my throat.

    Today I was finally better and ready to go hunting again. I was just about to walk out when a squirrel run up to my window. I looked at it and it looked back at me, then it scratched its nose. Its cuteness drew me to it and I crawled closer, slowly not wanting to scare it away. It sniffed my fingers when I offered it my hand. Then, satisfied with its inspection, it dropped an acorn on my palm.

    I stared at it perplexed, was this a present? A way to show its affection? A trap? It was as smooth as one would expect it to be, so I cracked it open. Much to my surprise, a paper rolled out and a message appeared. My old friend who had come to my aid when I was ill was now suggesting a time to go hunting together. I had totally forgotten that in my feverish state I told her how in need for some good fresh meat I was! Happy that she had remembered, I took my trademark red coat and a few bullets for my sling which hung hidden below my clothes and left the house.

    Ten minutes later we met just outside of her abode, a much fancier habitation than mine. After merrily greeting each other, we crossed the entrance to an intricate series of twists and turns. Thick foliage covered the walls surrounding the torturous path onto which we rushed in the hope to catch my target off-guard.

    'Won't she be expecting you?' my friend asked.

    'Not after so long.' I replied with a toothy grin. 'Either way, my sling is going to be faster.'

    I instinctively brushed the edge of my weapon as we moved deeper inside. Since she was more knowledgeable about the area, my friend was the one leading the way. I walked beside her as we passed a number of prickly shrubs monstrously convoluting around the columns of [COLLEGE REDACTED]. It was both a terrifying and fascinating sight, one worth remembering. I thought I spotted someone familiar in there and pointed that out to my fellow hunter. Anyway, we were on a hurry so I had no time to wonder and hastened my pace.


    My little heart sped up in excitement as we reached the door to Cherry Pie's room. I sniffed the air trying to catch her scent but failed to do so. She might be out. I thought as my friend knocked on the door, twice, and then called out for her. No reply and the door was locked.

    'Really?' I said. 'I'm growing tired of this...'

    And yet again I have had to fall back on a vegetarian option, seriously it does no good to my diet. Ah well... maybe next time I will be luckier, but for now all of my targets are too evasive.

    [16:30 PM] Rumpelstiltskin is out for blood
    Rumpelstiltskin reports:

    After my last adventure outside of my lair, my contact from France had to leave, called upon by important duties. Once I found myself alone yet again, keeping a low profile for a bit did not seem a particularly bad idea. I preferred the warmth of my lair to the cold of the roads, the soothing powers of a magical spinning wheel to the murderous impulses which occasionally take me over.

    Spin. Spin. Spin.

    The straws turning into finest gold laces glint in the firelight as thoughts and emotions flow. Yet, I had a duty to absolve and as time ran short and shorter, I prepared myself for yesterday's dinner with a doomed feeling in my heart. My newly tailored suit fit perfectly on my shoulders, almost as if I were dressing up for my own funeral. A touch of class, the golden string I placed around my neck occasionally sparkled in the candlelight, matching my glittery skin and giving me the tiniest shard of hope.

    Nevertheless, I was in a rather shaky mood when I confessed to an author that I could already foresee myself end in tragedy, my final moments unravelling before my eyes whenever I tried to sleep.

    'I am afraid I have to say that perhaps this reveals something deeper and darker about yourself,' he said and accused me of only concocting twisted plans that brought me no good. It was thanks to one of this questionable plans, however, that after several glasses of wine I ended up sitting outside of a church's steps with an unexpected companion. She was drunk, I noticed as I handed her a glistening bottle of gin. Time was almost ripe for me to lure her into my scheming and with a zealous hug I proposed her a deal.

    Her blue eyes shimmered in excitement as I explained the precarious situation I was in. I felt I was exposing myself by telling her the truth, but I reckoned I needed an ally and she was adept for the position since she was not new to the world of intrigues. Indeed, she seemed interested enough to listen until the end and we arranged for a meeting today. At the established time, I materialised at her place. My locating spell worked fast and we departed for the target's location with map in hand.

    'So what kind of magic are you into?' She asked me as we approached our destination.

    'The dark type, dearie' I replied with a giggle. 'What about you?'

    'Ehm... it's complicated...' she started but I had to phase her out in order to break into an enchanted barrier.

    I did not expect there to be any interference with my magic and I stepped through the gate with confidence, checking my charts every now and then. My newly recruited acolyte followed behind as I ventured further inside the enemy's domain. After about ten minutes of going around in circles, I started to notice that something wasn't quite right. The design of the building and that of the map did not match at all. Yet I was sure that this was [COLLEGE REDACTED], I had been there merely two weeks earlier for another fancy ball.

    Annoyed, I recast my spell and this time the target's house appeared in the completely opposite direction. I stormed out of the building and, taking care to avoid the dangerous creatures lurking just outside of the barrier, I guided my follower to the other side. We stopped in front of a mahogany door and I examined my papers again.

    'What's her name?' She asked.

    'We are in the wrong place,' I pointed out showing her the map. A red shiny light on the right caught my attention, it looked like a protection-spell-amulet but thankfully it was disarmed at the time and thence we could pass through and access the maze of bricks that [ACCOMODATION REDACTED] was. We went all the way around, once, and then out through the other gate. We searched the lowly houses of several dwellers before finding the correct one.

    By this point I was growing more and more thrilled and I snickered at the thought of murdering Anne Oldman. My less than holy intentions must have showed up on my face as one of the inhabitants of those lands glared at me warily while he walked past us. Keeping an eye on him, I prepared my shiny dagger for the slaughter while trusting my ally with the task of knocking on the door. For several minutes there was no answer and we were tempted to turn on our heels and leave. I could not give up just yet, though; in a situation where you either kill or are killed I had to take the chance.

    My patience was rewarded when we heard a noise from the other side and someone turned the doorknob. A girl appeared from inside, yet she did not look anything like my target's description. She was smiling, unaware of our sinister intentions, when she enquired the reason of our visit.

    'I am looking for someone,' I said after a moment of hesitation and then promptly proceeded to forget the name of my target. Hence, I fumbled with my list of names and I was about to show it to the girl when I realised that it was possibly the worst idea I had had in a while. 'Anne Oldman,' I said.

    'Anne Oldman?' She asked.

    'Yes,' I confirmed wondering whether it could be her.

    'Oh, is this because you're here to dispose of her?'

    I was not surprised by her answer, rumour travels fast and I am sure someone else before me must have attempted to cleanse this world of unneeded pestilences. 'Yes,' I repeated monotonically.

    'People kept showing up asking for her... I am sorry, she lives here but... she is just never home during the week because she travels to work to [TOWN REDACTED].'

    I internally cursed. Should I go and chase her all the way to another town? Obviously, it was not worth the effort. I thanked the girl on the door, still suspicious that in truth she might be Anne Oldman, and made my way towards the gate with my accomplice in tow.

    As we passed by the giant ominous clock on the way back, my lugubrious thoughts returned to haunt me. Time was still ticking forward and I had yet to accomplish a single thing this week.

    [22:28 PM] Lord(ish) Marlo tastes failure for the first time
    Lord(ish) Marlo reports:

    My first unsuccessful kill! For over 30 minutes, I waited, alone, at the abode of Alex. 30, gruelling minutes. Finally, I entered the layer of the mysterious Alex, yet she was nowhere to be found! This was not the first time that I have attempted to kill Alex, but this is by far the longest I have waited. For any kill. Alex, I am coming for you. Just you wait and see.

    Thursday, 15 November

    [08:43 AM] Haruto Amo happens across Savage (Nida Pathan)
    Haruto Amo reports:

    I've really begun to notice how much fewer people there are in this maze. It's almost unsettling, seeing how dead the streets have got. But on the other hand, a friend caught a glimpse of Satsuki the other day, so at least everyone seems to be safe.

    I'd managed to track another incompetent, Savage, and after a scouting mission the other day, knew what route she would likely take when leaving her home. So I waited, and sure enough, there she was. And orange blade cascaded from Pleiades into her stomach, and she was dead.

    That's another less person. I can't help but feel that soon we'll end up in more danger than we were before. I heard some whispers from passing goblins that the end is upon us. Maybe this whole thin the numbers plan to keep everyone safer is going to have the opposite effect... I can only hope I am mistaken.

    [16:00 PM] A concise update from Sorry for the lack of a proper published report because I spent all the time writing the amusing factual report which I am not publishing but feel free to request it once the game is over because 1) it contains too much identifying information 2) it is sadly not themed
    Sorry for the lack of a proper published report because I spent all the time writing the amusing factual report which I am not publishing but feel free to request it once the game is over because 1) it contains too much identifying information 2) it is sadly not themed reports:

    1) Who would have thought that assassination and sewer cleaning go hand in hand?

    2) I don't like tennis balls, particularly when they grow out of your ankle.

    [17:30 PM] Barry Bluejeans tries his luck, but Bambi is nowhere to be found
    Barry Bluejeans reports:

    Thought I'd swing by the home of Bambi, but alas a long wait and some dooring showed he was very clearly out. My luck's clearly running out, let's hope it doesn't run out too much.

    Friday, 16 November

    [11:08 AM] Rowena Ravenclaw is concerned for Bambi's education
    Rowena Ravenclaw reports:

    Dear Mr Bambi (of Slytherin House),

    There have been many reports of your inactivity, indeed, complete disregard for attendance of Defence Against the Dark Arts; and I wish to speak with you on an urgent matter about your new amulet, that is best left unmentioned to fellow pupils.

    I looked for you outside of your Magical Creatures' Anatomy lecture today at [PLACE OF LEARNING REDACTED], but you were nowhere to be found amongst the other students, though I looked, and I had other pressing matters to attend to.

    I shall be in touch again soon.


    Professor Ravenclaw

    [17:05 PM] Mandos (Leo Zlotnikov) strikes down Marlo AKA Ser Marlo AKA Soon to be Lord Marlo AKA Grand Master Marlo AKA Lord(ish) Marlo (Sheamol Obeda), but is killed himself in the process
    Mandos reports:

    I'm here! Activate the time warp… 3085 sound-kilometres later Marlo appears. I knew I had to rid the Labyrinth of his existence whatever it takes.

    As I fired my projection tiles in his direction, I felt an unstoppable force coming from inside, it obliterated my current body but not before I saw Marlo's remains absorbing into the fabric of the Labyrinth.

    I guess I'll spend the next 4936 sound-kilometres reassembling myself. It also gives me a perfect chance to add a few extra features.

    Lord Farquaard reports:

    Marlo. Today was the day, I decided, that you were too much of a threat. I coaxed you into agreeing to another hunt. But I planned to stab you in the back before you had a chance at mine. Alas, as I turned to corner to your abode, I saw your body, half absorbed into the fabric of the labyrinth.

    Your flaw has always been your pride. You never fought for Duloc. Whilst I was away slaying the devil, you were sitting around, arrogant at your success. You thought you were untouchable. Yet your incompetence killed you. But none of this matters now, as I am on my knees, staring at your remains disappearing into dust. I only thought of the Marlo I once knew. The Marlo that I watched train into a warrior. The Marlo that I placed the knighting sword upon. My prodigy, Marlo.

    Your killer will claim the bounty on your head. But your death should have been at my hand. I will find those that did this to you. Those that took my rightful kill. Fare thee well, Marlo. May we meet again in the next life.

    - Maximus

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